Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Cheer Cheer Bang Bang/La Ballad of La Cebolla - full transcript
Fred goes deep undercover as a cheerleader/Gretel and Kevin meet a villain with unique abilities.
Isn't it illegal
to make kids work?
Gretel. It's math
homework, not coal mining.
Well, I don't want to mine coal
and I don't wanna do math.
Kids. I did it. I did it.
Tonight I am finally going
to make your mother cry.
Um, at your anniversary dinner?
Yes! Every year your mom
goes above and beyond
and gives me the most
amazing gift ever.
And where's the problem?
They're always
better than my gifts
and it makes me feel terrible.
Thanks for the locket, mi vida.
I tracked down this
rare family heirloom
your grandfather
lost in the war.
(STRANGLED SOB) And I also
tracked down your grandfather
who was lost in the war.
Jamie Boy. (SOBBING)
Well, finding Papa sure
is a hard one to beat.
This year, I'm gonna win.
I'm going to give her
a video documenting
all the most important
moments of our lives.
I had it professionally edited
and it's three hours long
with two intermissions.
It's going to make her cry.
All right, well,
have fun with that.
I have the much
more difficult job
of getting Gretel to
do her math homework.
I'd rather mine coal.
Dad, just make sure you
backed up that file.
Don't worry, it's all
uploaded to the cloud.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
That's an ominous cloud.
All right.
Howdy, folks, I'm
here to free you all
from your mind-numbing
talkie boxes.
Drop the cell phone.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
Zap! Zappity zap zap. Zap.
Zappity zap. Zap,
zap. Zap, zap.
Zappity zap. Zap, zap.
Yee-haw!
A new age starts today.
Wait. My phone is dead.
My cappuccino phone
photos are gone.
(WAILING) No!
So, question two, a train is traveling from
point A to point B at 30 miles an hour.
Yes. I just took out
Hamster's artillery.
You have no honor.
Come on, Gretel.
Put your phone down and focus.
(GROANS WITH IRRITATION)
Now, a train is traveling...
Why is there always a train?
From point A to point
B at 74 miles per hour.
People still even use trains?
If point B is 60 miles away,
how long will it take the
train to reach point B?
Two seconds, because I'll
fly there. Problem solved.
Gretel... Kevin,
I'm a superhero now.
You don't need math to lift
things, fly super-fast,
or punch bad guys.
Everyone, even superheroes,
need to learn math.
Nope. Yes.
No, times a jillion.
That's math.
Even though a jillion
isn't a number,
which you would know
if you learned math.
(RAPID BEEPING)
Oh no, there's a new
supervillain in town.
People are in trouble.
All right, fine.
You save the day.
Then, math. What did you
say after save the day?
I couldn't hear you. I
was busy not doing math.
Gretel, I said we're going
to do that math homework.
Let's fly.
I know you can hear me.
No, I can't.
I'm flying faster than
the speed of sound.
Again, that's math!
Well, technically it's physics,
which is just hard math!
(NEWS INTRO PLAYS)
Veronica Hill on scene downtown,
where a cowboy-themed supervillain
is using lightning powers to render
personal electronic
devices utterly useless.
(TEARFULLY) I just want to know how
many likes my sandwich got. Please.
Aw, now I can't anonymously
criticize my friends.
What's trending? For the love
of Pete, what's trending?
It's a new age, y'all!
And by that I mean an
old age, a bygone age.
This is Rodney Thunderpants, a
lightning-themed supervillain,
for some reason in
a cowboy costume.
Why a supervillain
whose power is electricity would choose
a costume theme from before electricity
is a mystery
a lot of us are still
trying to work through.
Mr. Thunderpants, why
are you doing this?
Now, I don't care
much for smartphones.
I prefer a time when
phones were dumb,
people were smart and
horses were faithful.
Tell me about it.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Fascinating. But what
exactly are the roots
of your deep-seated
animosity towards progress?
Oh, tragic backstory
time. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, I was a regular singing
cowboy living a simple life,
watchin' the world
change before my eyes
with these devil boxes
popping up everywhere.
Just when I thought they couldn't
intrude more into our lives,
I came upon a new
cell phone tower
out there on the range while
riding on my trusty horse, Delilah.
A storm came in. The horse got
spooked and the tower fell on me.
And then I got
struck by lightning.
I got struck by lightning
three more times.
You got struck by lightning
once and then three more times?
You mean you got struck by
lightning four times in total?
I'd rather mine
coal than do math.
Mr. Thunderpants, even
supervillains need... Anyway,
when I regained consciousness,
I had these lightning powers,
and I had a score to
settle with cell phones.
GRETEL: Rodney Thunderpants.
At your service, ma'am.
So, you shoot lightning
and your name is Rodney?
And you didn't think to
call yourself Lightning Rod?
Well, that's just... Darn it, and I
already printed out the business cards.
Why are you so angry
at cell phones?
Didn't you hear my
tragic backstory?
Those techno-mological contraptions
are nothing but trouble.
What? Jillions of people use phones
to connect with friends and family
and access information
from all over the world.
Plus, you know, video games.
Nobody zaps my partner
with bolts of electricity
explicitly emanating from their
fingertips and gets away with it.
This is better than any
gift I've ever given.
Wait, wait, honey,
I want to go first.
I just got to load it.
Going to make you cry so
hard, honey, once you see it.
This is, uh, taking
longer than I thought.
It's loading.
Yes, still loading. Ha-ha! I
should have done this at home.
Well, I could just
give you... No, no, no.
Just give it a second.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Did you hire them to
distract me, Clyde?
No, I did not, Andrew.
I hired these guys.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well played,
Clyde. Well played.
Uh-oh.
(YELLS)
Well, the time is short.
I'll just send this here
electromagnetic pulse
down these lines to the
city's main cell phone tower.
Once this energy
pulse hits that tower,
it will fry every cell phone
and every tablet, for 50 miles.
Permanently! Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
You have to stop that pulse
before it hits the tower.
Kevin, you can't fight him.
I'll keep track of him so
you can come and get him
after you save the city.
Go! Go, go, go, go!
Grab it, Hamster.
We can't touch it.
How're we gonna stop it?
Just don't let it
hit the power plant.
Now, time for my getaway in the
only mechanical machinery I like.
Pre-electrical.
♪ Now here's an
anecdote I've got
♪ About a locomotive
♪ Just to know it
may sound made up
♪ But it's true
♪ We're not sure of his motive
♪ But the villain is devoted
♪ To a cowboy-themed aesthetic
♪ That we're all
still working through
♪ He's the lightning
tower cowboy
♪ Let's just wrap
our brains around it
♪ Though the
imagery's confusing
♪ I guess that's
just what we got
♪ We're on a crash
course towards disaster
♪ And this train
is going faster
♪ The brakes are broke
The throttle's down
♪ They've only got one shot
(SCREAMS)
♪ It's a race against time
♪ It's time to save the city
♪ With power on the line But
we're both a little dizzy
♪ Oops, I hit that sign
Got to shift in overtime
♪ Don't wanna turn
the clock back to 1895
♪ It's time ♪
98% loaded.
99...
Kevin, we made it. But
what do we do now? Kevin?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Sir, we need to shut down the tower
before that energy ball gets here.
Ahh! we're all gonna die!
Unless we do some simple math.
There are five wires
plugged into five outlets.
If you remove three of
the wires, in America...
Ugh, superheroes
don't need math.
(STRAINING)
We did it. We saved the tower.
Well, yes, but you shut down
signal for the entire town.
GRETEL: Won't it come back
when we plug it back in?
I guess so. But imagine
if you were trying
to download something
really, really important,
you'd have to start all
over at zero percent.
Zero?
Wait. Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
Well, maybe I can
give you my... No!
I was winning!
I don't get paid
enough for this.
But, feel good about
yourself if you want to.
Okay. Thanks. Got to
go save my brother.
Help!
Kevin, where are you?
We're three miles away
from Dead Person's Gulch
GRETEL: How fast
are you traveling?
60 miles per hour.
If the train carrying
my brother and
the lightning powered cowboy supervillain
is traveling 60 miles an hour...
Why is there always a train?
Math!
♪ It's a race against time ♪
And now you're gettin tired
♪ With power on the line
♪ Look at her defying
♪ She's also multiplying
♪ She's got a brother to save
♪ And a train to round up ♪
We have to fly
180 miles an hour.
Well, that's fast.
Hamster, push me.
Two percent, two
percent, three percent.
Three percent, three percent.
I'm going to die with the
lightning-themed cowboy.
Oh, just call me Lightning Rod.
(BOTH YELLING)
How deep is this gulch?
(BOTH YELLING)
Gretel, you did
it. You used math.
You were worth it.
Now, if only we could apply this lesson
to your history homework, then...
Don't push it.
(WHISTLING)
(SIRENS CUT OFF)
Wait. How did you
guys get here so fast?
GPS on our phones.
Phones can do that?
Yeah, there's even an app to
help you find a faithful horse.
(NICKERS)
Maybe I should get myself
one of them smartphones.
You couldn't have come
to this realization
a train chase ago?
It's not fair. It's not fair.
I was going to win
this anniversary.
It's not about winning, mi amor.
Can I give you my gift now?
(SIGHS) Fine.
What did you get me?
It's a video documenting all of the
most important moments of our lives.
But the Wi-Fi is out.
I downloaded it before we left.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Dave and Carolina.
A love story for the ages.
(SOBBING) I guess
it is about winning.
That feels good.
♪ Hamster and Gretel
♪ Hamster Hamster and Gretel ♪
to make kids work?
Gretel. It's math
homework, not coal mining.
Well, I don't want to mine coal
and I don't wanna do math.
Kids. I did it. I did it.
Tonight I am finally going
to make your mother cry.
Um, at your anniversary dinner?
Yes! Every year your mom
goes above and beyond
and gives me the most
amazing gift ever.
And where's the problem?
They're always
better than my gifts
and it makes me feel terrible.
Thanks for the locket, mi vida.
I tracked down this
rare family heirloom
your grandfather
lost in the war.
(STRANGLED SOB) And I also
tracked down your grandfather
who was lost in the war.
Jamie Boy. (SOBBING)
Well, finding Papa sure
is a hard one to beat.
This year, I'm gonna win.
I'm going to give her
a video documenting
all the most important
moments of our lives.
I had it professionally edited
and it's three hours long
with two intermissions.
It's going to make her cry.
All right, well,
have fun with that.
I have the much
more difficult job
of getting Gretel to
do her math homework.
I'd rather mine coal.
Dad, just make sure you
backed up that file.
Don't worry, it's all
uploaded to the cloud.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
That's an ominous cloud.
All right.
Howdy, folks, I'm
here to free you all
from your mind-numbing
talkie boxes.
Drop the cell phone.
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
Zap! Zappity zap zap. Zap.
Zappity zap. Zap,
zap. Zap, zap.
Zappity zap. Zap, zap.
Yee-haw!
A new age starts today.
Wait. My phone is dead.
My cappuccino phone
photos are gone.
(WAILING) No!
So, question two, a train is traveling from
point A to point B at 30 miles an hour.
Yes. I just took out
Hamster's artillery.
You have no honor.
Come on, Gretel.
Put your phone down and focus.
(GROANS WITH IRRITATION)
Now, a train is traveling...
Why is there always a train?
From point A to point
B at 74 miles per hour.
People still even use trains?
If point B is 60 miles away,
how long will it take the
train to reach point B?
Two seconds, because I'll
fly there. Problem solved.
Gretel... Kevin,
I'm a superhero now.
You don't need math to lift
things, fly super-fast,
or punch bad guys.
Everyone, even superheroes,
need to learn math.
Nope. Yes.
No, times a jillion.
That's math.
Even though a jillion
isn't a number,
which you would know
if you learned math.
(RAPID BEEPING)
Oh no, there's a new
supervillain in town.
People are in trouble.
All right, fine.
You save the day.
Then, math. What did you
say after save the day?
I couldn't hear you. I
was busy not doing math.
Gretel, I said we're going
to do that math homework.
Let's fly.
I know you can hear me.
No, I can't.
I'm flying faster than
the speed of sound.
Again, that's math!
Well, technically it's physics,
which is just hard math!
(NEWS INTRO PLAYS)
Veronica Hill on scene downtown,
where a cowboy-themed supervillain
is using lightning powers to render
personal electronic
devices utterly useless.
(TEARFULLY) I just want to know how
many likes my sandwich got. Please.
Aw, now I can't anonymously
criticize my friends.
What's trending? For the love
of Pete, what's trending?
It's a new age, y'all!
And by that I mean an
old age, a bygone age.
This is Rodney Thunderpants, a
lightning-themed supervillain,
for some reason in
a cowboy costume.
Why a supervillain
whose power is electricity would choose
a costume theme from before electricity
is a mystery
a lot of us are still
trying to work through.
Mr. Thunderpants, why
are you doing this?
Now, I don't care
much for smartphones.
I prefer a time when
phones were dumb,
people were smart and
horses were faithful.
Tell me about it.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Fascinating. But what
exactly are the roots
of your deep-seated
animosity towards progress?
Oh, tragic backstory
time. (CLEARS THROAT)
Well, I was a regular singing
cowboy living a simple life,
watchin' the world
change before my eyes
with these devil boxes
popping up everywhere.
Just when I thought they couldn't
intrude more into our lives,
I came upon a new
cell phone tower
out there on the range while
riding on my trusty horse, Delilah.
A storm came in. The horse got
spooked and the tower fell on me.
And then I got
struck by lightning.
I got struck by lightning
three more times.
You got struck by lightning
once and then three more times?
You mean you got struck by
lightning four times in total?
I'd rather mine
coal than do math.
Mr. Thunderpants, even
supervillains need... Anyway,
when I regained consciousness,
I had these lightning powers,
and I had a score to
settle with cell phones.
GRETEL: Rodney Thunderpants.
At your service, ma'am.
So, you shoot lightning
and your name is Rodney?
And you didn't think to
call yourself Lightning Rod?
Well, that's just... Darn it, and I
already printed out the business cards.
Why are you so angry
at cell phones?
Didn't you hear my
tragic backstory?
Those techno-mological contraptions
are nothing but trouble.
What? Jillions of people use phones
to connect with friends and family
and access information
from all over the world.
Plus, you know, video games.
Nobody zaps my partner
with bolts of electricity
explicitly emanating from their
fingertips and gets away with it.
This is better than any
gift I've ever given.
Wait, wait, honey,
I want to go first.
I just got to load it.
Going to make you cry so
hard, honey, once you see it.
This is, uh, taking
longer than I thought.
It's loading.
Yes, still loading. Ha-ha! I
should have done this at home.
Well, I could just
give you... No, no, no.
Just give it a second.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Did you hire them to
distract me, Clyde?
No, I did not, Andrew.
I hired these guys.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well played,
Clyde. Well played.
Uh-oh.
(YELLS)
Well, the time is short.
I'll just send this here
electromagnetic pulse
down these lines to the
city's main cell phone tower.
Once this energy
pulse hits that tower,
it will fry every cell phone
and every tablet, for 50 miles.
Permanently! Yee-haw!
Yee-haw!
You have to stop that pulse
before it hits the tower.
Kevin, you can't fight him.
I'll keep track of him so
you can come and get him
after you save the city.
Go! Go, go, go, go!
Grab it, Hamster.
We can't touch it.
How're we gonna stop it?
Just don't let it
hit the power plant.
Now, time for my getaway in the
only mechanical machinery I like.
Pre-electrical.
♪ Now here's an
anecdote I've got
♪ About a locomotive
♪ Just to know it
may sound made up
♪ But it's true
♪ We're not sure of his motive
♪ But the villain is devoted
♪ To a cowboy-themed aesthetic
♪ That we're all
still working through
♪ He's the lightning
tower cowboy
♪ Let's just wrap
our brains around it
♪ Though the
imagery's confusing
♪ I guess that's
just what we got
♪ We're on a crash
course towards disaster
♪ And this train
is going faster
♪ The brakes are broke
The throttle's down
♪ They've only got one shot
(SCREAMS)
♪ It's a race against time
♪ It's time to save the city
♪ With power on the line But
we're both a little dizzy
♪ Oops, I hit that sign
Got to shift in overtime
♪ Don't wanna turn
the clock back to 1895
♪ It's time ♪
98% loaded.
99...
Kevin, we made it. But
what do we do now? Kevin?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Sir, we need to shut down the tower
before that energy ball gets here.
Ahh! we're all gonna die!
Unless we do some simple math.
There are five wires
plugged into five outlets.
If you remove three of
the wires, in America...
Ugh, superheroes
don't need math.
(STRAINING)
We did it. We saved the tower.
Well, yes, but you shut down
signal for the entire town.
GRETEL: Won't it come back
when we plug it back in?
I guess so. But imagine
if you were trying
to download something
really, really important,
you'd have to start all
over at zero percent.
Zero?
Wait. Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
Well, maybe I can
give you my... No!
I was winning!
I don't get paid
enough for this.
But, feel good about
yourself if you want to.
Okay. Thanks. Got to
go save my brother.
Help!
Kevin, where are you?
We're three miles away
from Dead Person's Gulch
GRETEL: How fast
are you traveling?
60 miles per hour.
If the train carrying
my brother and
the lightning powered cowboy supervillain
is traveling 60 miles an hour...
Why is there always a train?
Math!
♪ It's a race against time ♪
And now you're gettin tired
♪ With power on the line
♪ Look at her defying
♪ She's also multiplying
♪ She's got a brother to save
♪ And a train to round up ♪
We have to fly
180 miles an hour.
Well, that's fast.
Hamster, push me.
Two percent, two
percent, three percent.
Three percent, three percent.
I'm going to die with the
lightning-themed cowboy.
Oh, just call me Lightning Rod.
(BOTH YELLING)
How deep is this gulch?
(BOTH YELLING)
Gretel, you did
it. You used math.
You were worth it.
Now, if only we could apply this lesson
to your history homework, then...
Don't push it.
(WHISTLING)
(SIRENS CUT OFF)
Wait. How did you
guys get here so fast?
GPS on our phones.
Phones can do that?
Yeah, there's even an app to
help you find a faithful horse.
(NICKERS)
Maybe I should get myself
one of them smartphones.
You couldn't have come
to this realization
a train chase ago?
It's not fair. It's not fair.
I was going to win
this anniversary.
It's not about winning, mi amor.
Can I give you my gift now?
(SIGHS) Fine.
What did you get me?
It's a video documenting all of the
most important moments of our lives.
But the Wi-Fi is out.
I downloaded it before we left.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Dave and Carolina.
A love story for the ages.
(SOBBING) I guess
it is about winning.
That feels good.
♪ Hamster and Gretel
♪ Hamster Hamster and Gretel ♪