Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Episode #1.18 - full transcript
CAROLINA: All right,
mis amores.
Your dad and I
are almost ready
to head out.
What do you do
at a handyman convention?
You know what they say.
BOTH: "What happens
at the North American
Superintendent and Handyman
"Trade Convention,
"stays at the
North American Superintendent
"and Handyman
trade convention."
Who says that?
Uh, they do.
Who's they?
BOTH: The North American...
Got it.
Well, parental units,
as you embark
on your weekend journey
to this boring work event
you are both inexplicably
excited about,
I want to thank you
for trusting me
to care for our abode
and your youngest offspring.
Kevin, that's so sweet.
But we are not
leaving you here
without an adult.
What?
Abuelita's coming.
BOTH: Abuelita?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Abuelita is here.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Listen,
we love Abuelita.
She's really great.
But also, really scary.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Of course,
nothing makes me happier
than seeing my children
and my children's
children.
Other people's children,
not so much. (CHUCKLES)
Now, you two,
go and have fun.
We will. Because you know
what they say.
"What happens at the North..."
DAVE: We'll be back Sunday!
I love you so much.
I love to spoil you rotten.
But this is Abuelita's
house now.
Wait, Abuelita.
Hey!
You know that
I'm not a kid anymore.
Maybe you can think of me
as more of your co-pilot
this weekend.
(LAUGHING)
Kevin, I love your
senses of humor.
Now, there is only one rule
in my house
and that is that
you must follow all my rules.
Now, hand over the phones.
But...
Ah, ah, ah!
No "buts" unless
they are doing chores!
♪ Abuela's rules
♪ They're not open
for negotiation
♪ I keep my cool
♪ Unless I see a need
for education
♪ About responsibility
♪ Mi amore
I told you both before
♪ Don't leave your dirty shoes
In front of the door
♪ But first things first
We clean every room
♪ A vacuum is lazy
Here's a broom
♪ Stop halting, no smirking
And don't you slouch
♪ Now take this plastic
And cover the couch
♪ Don't do it sloppy
We're not in a rush
♪ Clean the mop with a sponge
The sponge with a brush
♪ Don't give me that look
Don't get defensive
♪ We hang all the clothes
The dryer's expensive
♪ And we do not use
the dishwasher
♪ You are the dishwasher
♪ Abuela's rules
♪ They're not open
for negotiation
♪ I keep my cool
♪ Unless I see a need
for education
♪ About responsibility! ♪
She's like a villain
whose superpower
is scaring love into us.
This is bad, but at least
we're having more fun
than Mom and Dad.
MAN: Plunge it! Plunge it!
Plunge it!
I love tools!
(SIGHS)
ABUELITA: Why did you
stop cleaning?
How did she know?
'Cause we're done?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, you deserve
a break.
Time for something fun.
Can we get our phones back?
No, no, no.
We can watch my novela.
But we don't really
watch those, Abuelita.
Then you can sit quietly
and watch me watch my novela.
This one is crazy.
It's about an innocent brother
and sister that are punished
by a terrible old woman.
She's my favorite.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
BOTH: I'll get it!
Fred!
Why haven't you been
picking up your phone?
Hello there, Abuelita.
Hello, Winifred.
Kevin is not allowed
to have a girl over.
I'm not a girl.
I'm a cousin.
No exceptions.
You're so much fun.
You know what else is fun?
Watching the news,
like, right now.
Because maybe
there's an important...
The other side of your family
is very odd.
Abuelita, what if we
do Fred's fun idea
and turn on the news?
Not now.
It's novela time.
What do we do?
I got a flan.
You mean a plan?
No.
A flan. Trust me.
Abuelita,
you look famished.
Want some flan?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Have I ever told you,
flan makes me sleepy?
(SNORING)
Veronica Hill, on the scene
downtown, where this enormous
man-infant villain,
Big Baby,
is causing mayhem.
(WARBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Sources have confirmed
that this biologically-
altered menace
is actually former
disgraced mayoral
candidate, Bob Infantiberg.
And Infantiberg
had disappeared
from the public eye
after his last embarrassing
double digit loss.
Roll tape.
Take it younger, taller,
not-balding candidates
and mark my words,
I'll be back, taller
and younger than...
People close to Infantiberg
are not surprised
by his villainous transformation.
Including his longtime
ex-girlfriend,
who was then a starry-eyed
news intern with her
whole life ahead of her.
Anyway, yeah.
This is a shock to nobody.
(SNORING)
She's still asleep.
We gotta get
to downtown, stat.
Now, we gotta hurry...
Ah-ha!
Where do you think
you're going?
We just wanted
to get some fresh air.
With the car keys?
Yes, we needed
to drive to the park.
That's where
the fresh air is.
You know how
I feel about people
who hide things from me.
I never, ever, ever,
forgive them.
But the park sounds fun.
I will join you.
Are you sure, Abuelita?
We can go by ourselves.
Of course,
but we are taking the bus.
But it's only
a 10-minute drive.
Ten dangerous minutes.
But only one very safe hour
on under-funded
public transportation.
(SNORES)
Kevin, she'll never
forgive us if she finds out
I have powers.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know, but we
have some time to think
of a plan before we get there.
(CRASHING)
Just tell us why
you're so cranky.
Do you need a nap?
Do you need to
be changed?
No! Take me instead!
(SCREAMS)
He might be teething!
Are you teething?
Big Baby has continued
his tantrum of terror.
Really? Bob,
if I were going to
take you back,
and I'm not saying I am,
a lot of things would
have to change.
A lot! Now, back to you,
at the studios.
Hey, my cheap lunch
was in that very
expensive van.
Kevin, what do we do now?
First we have to
wake up Abuelita.
Abuelita!
Abuelita, no!
What do you
think you're doing,
making this mess?
Who you?
I'm Abuelita.
Why are you
misbehaving?
Four years,
I try become Mayor...
Bob Infantiberg
loses to the younger, cooler,
taller, not-balding candidate
for the 10th year.
(PHONE RINGING)
WOMAN: It's over, Bob.
I'm leaving you
for Phil Youngerman.
BIG BABY:
Me decide be candidate
people want.
A formula for make me young
and tall and hair.
Formula make me
too tall and too young.
Hair stay same.
But now, Big Baby make town
mine, mine, mine!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You need a time-out!
Mean lady.
BOTH: No!
Carrying Abuelita
is against my rules!
A little help here?
GRETEL: Hey, you!
Let go of my...
Older Latin woman!
Ow!
Help!
(SCREAMS)
Take your feet off the table.
What are you, a savage?
Kevin, I can't punch him
without hurting Abuela.
What do we do?
Look! The maracas
on top of the building!
Use it as a rattle!
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Big Baby,
look at this.
Shaky-shaky!
No!
(SCREAMS)
Gracias,
ninos superhero.
You're welcome,
random abuelita
I don't know.
The beams on the truck!
Make him a crib!
(CRYING)
These are very
specific stores.
Kevin! There you are.
Abuelita!
You're okay!
I'm fine.
Where is your
little sister?
Uh, she had to go
to the bathroom.
Hey, what did I miss?
Don't think
I didn't notice.
BOTH: What?
You let your little sister
go to the bathroom
all by herself
in the middle of
a giant baby attack.
You should have at least
waited outside the door
to make sure she was...
Hey, my lunch.
Well, it looks like
the nightmare
is finally over.
Not for me, because
I will forever carry
the weight
of the dating choices
I've made.
Although, he is more sensitive
than I remember.
No, Veronica,
don't do this again.
Before you say anything...
We're so sorry.
...we wanted to tell you
about Gretel's powers, but...
Let me talk.
Look at this mess.
You broke
all of Abuelita's rules.
But sometimes you
have to break some rules
to do the right thing.
Huh?
I am very proud
of both of you.
Wait, you're not mad?
Shocked? Yes. Confused?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
But, no. I could never
be mad at you for doing
the right thing.
You saved my life. Twice!
We couldn't have
done it without you.
You even stood up to him
without powers.
Children need tough love.
But mostly, they need
regular love.
Oh, and Mom and Dad
don't know anything
about this,
so maybe we just...
Say no more.
I'm good at
keeping secrets.
Your mother doesn't know
about my life as a Go-go
dancer before she was born.
Things we didn't
need to know. Agreed.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Hamster and Gretel
♪ It's Hamster
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪
mis amores.
Your dad and I
are almost ready
to head out.
What do you do
at a handyman convention?
You know what they say.
BOTH: "What happens
at the North American
Superintendent and Handyman
"Trade Convention,
"stays at the
North American Superintendent
"and Handyman
trade convention."
Who says that?
Uh, they do.
Who's they?
BOTH: The North American...
Got it.
Well, parental units,
as you embark
on your weekend journey
to this boring work event
you are both inexplicably
excited about,
I want to thank you
for trusting me
to care for our abode
and your youngest offspring.
Kevin, that's so sweet.
But we are not
leaving you here
without an adult.
What?
Abuelita's coming.
BOTH: Abuelita?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Abuelita is here.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Listen,
we love Abuelita.
She's really great.
But also, really scary.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Of course,
nothing makes me happier
than seeing my children
and my children's
children.
Other people's children,
not so much. (CHUCKLES)
Now, you two,
go and have fun.
We will. Because you know
what they say.
"What happens at the North..."
DAVE: We'll be back Sunday!
I love you so much.
I love to spoil you rotten.
But this is Abuelita's
house now.
Wait, Abuelita.
Hey!
You know that
I'm not a kid anymore.
Maybe you can think of me
as more of your co-pilot
this weekend.
(LAUGHING)
Kevin, I love your
senses of humor.
Now, there is only one rule
in my house
and that is that
you must follow all my rules.
Now, hand over the phones.
But...
Ah, ah, ah!
No "buts" unless
they are doing chores!
♪ Abuela's rules
♪ They're not open
for negotiation
♪ I keep my cool
♪ Unless I see a need
for education
♪ About responsibility
♪ Mi amore
I told you both before
♪ Don't leave your dirty shoes
In front of the door
♪ But first things first
We clean every room
♪ A vacuum is lazy
Here's a broom
♪ Stop halting, no smirking
And don't you slouch
♪ Now take this plastic
And cover the couch
♪ Don't do it sloppy
We're not in a rush
♪ Clean the mop with a sponge
The sponge with a brush
♪ Don't give me that look
Don't get defensive
♪ We hang all the clothes
The dryer's expensive
♪ And we do not use
the dishwasher
♪ You are the dishwasher
♪ Abuela's rules
♪ They're not open
for negotiation
♪ I keep my cool
♪ Unless I see a need
for education
♪ About responsibility! ♪
She's like a villain
whose superpower
is scaring love into us.
This is bad, but at least
we're having more fun
than Mom and Dad.
MAN: Plunge it! Plunge it!
Plunge it!
I love tools!
(SIGHS)
ABUELITA: Why did you
stop cleaning?
How did she know?
'Cause we're done?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, you deserve
a break.
Time for something fun.
Can we get our phones back?
No, no, no.
We can watch my novela.
But we don't really
watch those, Abuelita.
Then you can sit quietly
and watch me watch my novela.
This one is crazy.
It's about an innocent brother
and sister that are punished
by a terrible old woman.
She's my favorite.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
BOTH: I'll get it!
Fred!
Why haven't you been
picking up your phone?
Hello there, Abuelita.
Hello, Winifred.
Kevin is not allowed
to have a girl over.
I'm not a girl.
I'm a cousin.
No exceptions.
You're so much fun.
You know what else is fun?
Watching the news,
like, right now.
Because maybe
there's an important...
The other side of your family
is very odd.
Abuelita, what if we
do Fred's fun idea
and turn on the news?
Not now.
It's novela time.
What do we do?
I got a flan.
You mean a plan?
No.
A flan. Trust me.
Abuelita,
you look famished.
Want some flan?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Have I ever told you,
flan makes me sleepy?
(SNORING)
Veronica Hill, on the scene
downtown, where this enormous
man-infant villain,
Big Baby,
is causing mayhem.
(WARBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Sources have confirmed
that this biologically-
altered menace
is actually former
disgraced mayoral
candidate, Bob Infantiberg.
And Infantiberg
had disappeared
from the public eye
after his last embarrassing
double digit loss.
Roll tape.
Take it younger, taller,
not-balding candidates
and mark my words,
I'll be back, taller
and younger than...
People close to Infantiberg
are not surprised
by his villainous transformation.
Including his longtime
ex-girlfriend,
who was then a starry-eyed
news intern with her
whole life ahead of her.
Anyway, yeah.
This is a shock to nobody.
(SNORING)
She's still asleep.
We gotta get
to downtown, stat.
Now, we gotta hurry...
Ah-ha!
Where do you think
you're going?
We just wanted
to get some fresh air.
With the car keys?
Yes, we needed
to drive to the park.
That's where
the fresh air is.
You know how
I feel about people
who hide things from me.
I never, ever, ever,
forgive them.
But the park sounds fun.
I will join you.
Are you sure, Abuelita?
We can go by ourselves.
Of course,
but we are taking the bus.
But it's only
a 10-minute drive.
Ten dangerous minutes.
But only one very safe hour
on under-funded
public transportation.
(SNORES)
Kevin, she'll never
forgive us if she finds out
I have powers.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know, but we
have some time to think
of a plan before we get there.
(CRASHING)
Just tell us why
you're so cranky.
Do you need a nap?
Do you need to
be changed?
No! Take me instead!
(SCREAMS)
He might be teething!
Are you teething?
Big Baby has continued
his tantrum of terror.
Really? Bob,
if I were going to
take you back,
and I'm not saying I am,
a lot of things would
have to change.
A lot! Now, back to you,
at the studios.
Hey, my cheap lunch
was in that very
expensive van.
Kevin, what do we do now?
First we have to
wake up Abuelita.
Abuelita!
Abuelita, no!
What do you
think you're doing,
making this mess?
Who you?
I'm Abuelita.
Why are you
misbehaving?
Four years,
I try become Mayor...
Bob Infantiberg
loses to the younger, cooler,
taller, not-balding candidate
for the 10th year.
(PHONE RINGING)
WOMAN: It's over, Bob.
I'm leaving you
for Phil Youngerman.
BIG BABY:
Me decide be candidate
people want.
A formula for make me young
and tall and hair.
Formula make me
too tall and too young.
Hair stay same.
But now, Big Baby make town
mine, mine, mine!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You need a time-out!
Mean lady.
BOTH: No!
Carrying Abuelita
is against my rules!
A little help here?
GRETEL: Hey, you!
Let go of my...
Older Latin woman!
Ow!
Help!
(SCREAMS)
Take your feet off the table.
What are you, a savage?
Kevin, I can't punch him
without hurting Abuela.
What do we do?
Look! The maracas
on top of the building!
Use it as a rattle!
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Big Baby,
look at this.
Shaky-shaky!
No!
(SCREAMS)
Gracias,
ninos superhero.
You're welcome,
random abuelita
I don't know.
The beams on the truck!
Make him a crib!
(CRYING)
These are very
specific stores.
Kevin! There you are.
Abuelita!
You're okay!
I'm fine.
Where is your
little sister?
Uh, she had to go
to the bathroom.
Hey, what did I miss?
Don't think
I didn't notice.
BOTH: What?
You let your little sister
go to the bathroom
all by herself
in the middle of
a giant baby attack.
You should have at least
waited outside the door
to make sure she was...
Hey, my lunch.
Well, it looks like
the nightmare
is finally over.
Not for me, because
I will forever carry
the weight
of the dating choices
I've made.
Although, he is more sensitive
than I remember.
No, Veronica,
don't do this again.
Before you say anything...
We're so sorry.
...we wanted to tell you
about Gretel's powers, but...
Let me talk.
Look at this mess.
You broke
all of Abuelita's rules.
But sometimes you
have to break some rules
to do the right thing.
Huh?
I am very proud
of both of you.
Wait, you're not mad?
Shocked? Yes. Confused?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
But, no. I could never
be mad at you for doing
the right thing.
You saved my life. Twice!
We couldn't have
done it without you.
You even stood up to him
without powers.
Children need tough love.
But mostly, they need
regular love.
Oh, and Mom and Dad
don't know anything
about this,
so maybe we just...
Say no more.
I'm good at
keeping secrets.
Your mother doesn't know
about my life as a Go-go
dancer before she was born.
Things we didn't
need to know. Agreed.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Hamster and Gretel
♪ It's Hamster
♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪