Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Episode #1.16 - full transcript
(LAUGHS) You can't defeat
the Amplifier.
You know my motto.
Bigger is better.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Gretel, I think I found
his weakness.
If you reverse
the molecular polarity of the...
GRETEL: (ON PHONE) Ugh, you start using
those big words and I just zone out.
Don't worry.
We got this.
(EXCLAIMS)
I did not
think that through.
Great job, guys.
Glad I could be
of no help whatsoever.
I'll see you at home.
(ANNOUNCER SINGING TITLE)
(SNAKE RATTLING)
Your time is up, human.
As soon as you lay your eyes on me,
you will turn to stone.
Oh, I won't turn to stone
if I can't see your face!
No! A tapestry,
- my only weakness!
- Ha-ha!
- Yes!
-(ROARS)
Oh, why does England
have to have so many dragons?
Wow. Covering her face.
Can't believe no one
thought of that before.
This show
is so unrealistic.
Come on, hamster!
Let's go use these super powers
aliens gave us.
(SIGHING)
Is this one of those sighs
where I have to ask
why you're sighing?
It's just that I usually
have great ideas
that help Hamster and Gretel.
And today, I felt
totally powerless.
You mean because
you have no powers?
No. I meant because
I wasn't terribly helpful.
But thanks
for rubbing it in!
Well, what are you
going to do?
It's not like you can
give yourself powers.
I should give
myself superpowers.
Next time, Fred,
just let the boy sigh.
Throw me the ball,
throw it to me, come on.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(CLANKING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(CRIES)
ALL: Aww!
So in this one,
he gets powers from cosmic rays.
And in this one,
she builds a suit.
Oh, and this one,
he gets into an industrial accident.
"Industrial accidents
near me..."
You're smarter
than this, Kevin. These are comics,
not how-to manuals.
I'm just finding
my origin story.
To the Kevinmobile!
The Kevinmobile?
You know, the van.
It's part of my rebranding.
(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAMERAS FLASHING)
Nice! "That feeling
when you defeated all the villains."
Here. Do me, do me.
REPORTER: (ON TV) Downtown was plunged
into chaos today by a 40-foot sea otter.
And even though the destruction
is horrible, it's hard to be upset,
with this marauding marine mammal
because it's just so darned cute.
(TRILLS)
ALL: Aww!
(GROWLS)
(SCREAMING)
Who will save us from
this adorable menace?
MAN: Hey, I'm bathing here!
We've got to
get down there.
Wait, where's Kevin?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Hey, Gretel, uh,
I'm kind of busy right now.
Hey, ask him
what he's doing.
(SHUSHES) It's a surprise.
Hamster and I are going downtown
to fight a giant sea otter.
Okay, I'll meet you
down there.
It's just an otter.
If you're busy,
we can handle it.
KEVIN: No,
I'll see you there.
(METAL CREAKING)
Well, Hamster and Gretel aren't
the only superheroes in town anymore.
Nate. Lower the helmet.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS) Ow!
Okay, I'm ready.
Behold, Armorsuit Guy.
Wow.
Super clever name.
A little less snark
and a little more support, please.
(METAL CREAKING)
To downtown!
That's gonna be
my catchphrase.
Too, plus the place
I'm going to.
- Love it.
- Right?
(GRUNTS)
Oh, my goodness,
this suit is heavy.
Oh, I know.
It's awe inspiring.
- Really.
- No snark.
(ROARS)
Otter, we have
no quarrel with you.
I don't understand
your language,
but we do have
an interpreter.
Yeah. There may have
been a misunderstanding.
I only speak dolphin.
You've gotta
be kidding me.
Does anyone else
hear speak otter?
Anyone?
I know you speak otter,
we need someone
else who speaks otter.
You see, I don't
speak otter and you don't speak English.
So I need someone
who speaks otter and English
so they can translate
what I'm saying in English into otter,
and then what
you're saying in otter into English,
so that the two
of us can communicate.
ALL: Aww.
(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)
(METAL SCREECHING)
Alrighty, Hamster.
I'll go hide, you go look.
Otter punch!
Aww, I can't punch him,
he's too adorable.
(OTTER SQUEALS)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
He's wreaking havoc
Wherever he goes
He's stepping on cars
He's wrecking downtown
But he's got big eyes
And a cute little nose
So it's logistically challenging
To bring him down
The destruction he's causing is horrible
Too bad he's so freaking adorable
Too pretty to pound
He's too sweet to swat
I'm giving it my all
But it's all that I've got
He just came out of the water
And he must be stopped
But he's too cute
To clobber
I don't want to quit
Too cute to clobber
But he's to huggable to hit
Too cute to clobber
He's too pretty to punch
Too cute to clobber
I'd say we break the legs,
But why bother?
He's too cute to clobber
CROWD: Aww.
Aw, man, that wasn't
supposed to...
All right,
back in the game, baby.
(METAL SCREECHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(OTTER SQUEALING)
ALL: Aww.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, no. He's headed
for the Fish Art Museum.
GRETEL: He's gonna destroy
some of the world's greatest fish art!
We need to stop him.
-(SQUEALS)
- But look at those whiskers.
(METAL CREAKING)
(METAL CONTINUES CREAKING)
(METAL CREAKING STOPS)
(METAL CONTINUES CREAKING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, this is not
a... oh, oh, here we go.
(ROARS)
Gretel, help me... (GRUNTS) Gretel,
I can't... Help me... (GRUNTS)
I'm a little busy here, the otter is
smashing some weird, slow robot?
No, that's me.
I'm the weird slow robot thing.
Wait! Why are
you a robot?
No, it's just
an armored suit.
Oh, that makes
more sense.
Can you just
help me, please?
I don't know.
He's just so cute.
How can you fight something that you
can't look at without saying "aww"?
(TRILLS)
Can't look at it...
That's it!
Gretel, remember
England, but with Dragons?
I don't have
a dragon, Kevin.
No, we have
something better.
A tapestry!
A cute otter's one weakness.
(OTTER SCREAMING)
Well, what are we going
to do with him now?
-(OTTER GROANS)
- Wait a second.
I think I understand
what he's saying.
You speak otter?
Otterese is linguistically
similar to Hamsterish.
They're both derived
from walrus.
(OTTER CRIES)
I think he said,
"I want my mommy."
ALL: Aww.
Or "There will be blood."
(ALL SCREAMING)
I know where
to take him.
ALL: Aww.
Actually, I'm kind of
glad he's gone.
Yeah, he destroyed
my house.
So what's with all this?
I was trying
to be a superhero.
Armorsuit Guy.
Oh, Kevin, oh,
whoa, this was heavier than I thought.
Tell me about it.
Even without powers,
you're a hero to me.
- Oh, Gretel.
- And even if you can't lift things,
or fly or basically
do anything without...
Okay, I get it. Thanks.
I love you,
slow robot guy.
That's not the name!
So, are you done
trying to give yourself superpowers?
I guess I got kind of
out of control.
But you know
what's not out of control?
Finding the aliens
and getting them to give me powers.
I'm walking away now.
No. If we triangulate
all the UFO sightings
in the last several months,
we'll be able to predict the...
I'm not spiraling.
A little help here.
(METAL CREAKING)
Hey, big guy,
I found some folks
who are going
to be very happy to see you.
(OTTERS CALLING)
(SCREAMING)
Sorry, sorry, my bad, I should
have put him closer to the water.
Kind of a reckless guy.
I didn't know he was gonna run.
I was gonna pick him up
and drop him.
Classic hamster mistake.
ALL: Aww.
Aww.
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
the Amplifier.
You know my motto.
Bigger is better.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Gretel, I think I found
his weakness.
If you reverse
the molecular polarity of the...
GRETEL: (ON PHONE) Ugh, you start using
those big words and I just zone out.
Don't worry.
We got this.
(EXCLAIMS)
I did not
think that through.
Great job, guys.
Glad I could be
of no help whatsoever.
I'll see you at home.
(ANNOUNCER SINGING TITLE)
(SNAKE RATTLING)
Your time is up, human.
As soon as you lay your eyes on me,
you will turn to stone.
Oh, I won't turn to stone
if I can't see your face!
No! A tapestry,
- my only weakness!
- Ha-ha!
- Yes!
-(ROARS)
Oh, why does England
have to have so many dragons?
Wow. Covering her face.
Can't believe no one
thought of that before.
This show
is so unrealistic.
Come on, hamster!
Let's go use these super powers
aliens gave us.
(SIGHING)
Is this one of those sighs
where I have to ask
why you're sighing?
It's just that I usually
have great ideas
that help Hamster and Gretel.
And today, I felt
totally powerless.
You mean because
you have no powers?
No. I meant because
I wasn't terribly helpful.
But thanks
for rubbing it in!
Well, what are you
going to do?
It's not like you can
give yourself powers.
I should give
myself superpowers.
Next time, Fred,
just let the boy sigh.
Throw me the ball,
throw it to me, come on.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(CLANKING)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(CRIES)
ALL: Aww!
So in this one,
he gets powers from cosmic rays.
And in this one,
she builds a suit.
Oh, and this one,
he gets into an industrial accident.
"Industrial accidents
near me..."
You're smarter
than this, Kevin. These are comics,
not how-to manuals.
I'm just finding
my origin story.
To the Kevinmobile!
The Kevinmobile?
You know, the van.
It's part of my rebranding.
(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAMERAS FLASHING)
Nice! "That feeling
when you defeated all the villains."
Here. Do me, do me.
REPORTER: (ON TV) Downtown was plunged
into chaos today by a 40-foot sea otter.
And even though the destruction
is horrible, it's hard to be upset,
with this marauding marine mammal
because it's just so darned cute.
(TRILLS)
ALL: Aww!
(GROWLS)
(SCREAMING)
Who will save us from
this adorable menace?
MAN: Hey, I'm bathing here!
We've got to
get down there.
Wait, where's Kevin?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(METAL CREAKING)
Hey, Gretel, uh,
I'm kind of busy right now.
Hey, ask him
what he's doing.
(SHUSHES) It's a surprise.
Hamster and I are going downtown
to fight a giant sea otter.
Okay, I'll meet you
down there.
It's just an otter.
If you're busy,
we can handle it.
KEVIN: No,
I'll see you there.
(METAL CREAKING)
Well, Hamster and Gretel aren't
the only superheroes in town anymore.
Nate. Lower the helmet.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS) Ow!
Okay, I'm ready.
Behold, Armorsuit Guy.
Wow.
Super clever name.
A little less snark
and a little more support, please.
(METAL CREAKING)
To downtown!
That's gonna be
my catchphrase.
Too, plus the place
I'm going to.
- Love it.
- Right?
(GRUNTS)
Oh, my goodness,
this suit is heavy.
Oh, I know.
It's awe inspiring.
- Really.
- No snark.
(ROARS)
Otter, we have
no quarrel with you.
I don't understand
your language,
but we do have
an interpreter.
Yeah. There may have
been a misunderstanding.
I only speak dolphin.
You've gotta
be kidding me.
Does anyone else
hear speak otter?
Anyone?
I know you speak otter,
we need someone
else who speaks otter.
You see, I don't
speak otter and you don't speak English.
So I need someone
who speaks otter and English
so they can translate
what I'm saying in English into otter,
and then what
you're saying in otter into English,
so that the two
of us can communicate.
ALL: Aww.
(ROARS)
(SCREAMS)
(METAL SCREECHING)
Alrighty, Hamster.
I'll go hide, you go look.
Otter punch!
Aww, I can't punch him,
he's too adorable.
(OTTER SQUEALS)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
He's wreaking havoc
Wherever he goes
He's stepping on cars
He's wrecking downtown
But he's got big eyes
And a cute little nose
So it's logistically challenging
To bring him down
The destruction he's causing is horrible
Too bad he's so freaking adorable
Too pretty to pound
He's too sweet to swat
I'm giving it my all
But it's all that I've got
He just came out of the water
And he must be stopped
But he's too cute
To clobber
I don't want to quit
Too cute to clobber
But he's to huggable to hit
Too cute to clobber
He's too pretty to punch
Too cute to clobber
I'd say we break the legs,
But why bother?
He's too cute to clobber
CROWD: Aww.
Aw, man, that wasn't
supposed to...
All right,
back in the game, baby.
(METAL SCREECHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(OTTER SQUEALING)
ALL: Aww.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, no. He's headed
for the Fish Art Museum.
GRETEL: He's gonna destroy
some of the world's greatest fish art!
We need to stop him.
-(SQUEALS)
- But look at those whiskers.
(METAL CREAKING)
(METAL CONTINUES CREAKING)
(METAL CREAKING STOPS)
(METAL CONTINUES CREAKING)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, this is not
a... oh, oh, here we go.
(ROARS)
Gretel, help me... (GRUNTS) Gretel,
I can't... Help me... (GRUNTS)
I'm a little busy here, the otter is
smashing some weird, slow robot?
No, that's me.
I'm the weird slow robot thing.
Wait! Why are
you a robot?
No, it's just
an armored suit.
Oh, that makes
more sense.
Can you just
help me, please?
I don't know.
He's just so cute.
How can you fight something that you
can't look at without saying "aww"?
(TRILLS)
Can't look at it...
That's it!
Gretel, remember
England, but with Dragons?
I don't have
a dragon, Kevin.
No, we have
something better.
A tapestry!
A cute otter's one weakness.
(OTTER SCREAMING)
Well, what are we going
to do with him now?
-(OTTER GROANS)
- Wait a second.
I think I understand
what he's saying.
You speak otter?
Otterese is linguistically
similar to Hamsterish.
They're both derived
from walrus.
(OTTER CRIES)
I think he said,
"I want my mommy."
ALL: Aww.
Or "There will be blood."
(ALL SCREAMING)
I know where
to take him.
ALL: Aww.
Actually, I'm kind of
glad he's gone.
Yeah, he destroyed
my house.
So what's with all this?
I was trying
to be a superhero.
Armorsuit Guy.
Oh, Kevin, oh,
whoa, this was heavier than I thought.
Tell me about it.
Even without powers,
you're a hero to me.
- Oh, Gretel.
- And even if you can't lift things,
or fly or basically
do anything without...
Okay, I get it. Thanks.
I love you,
slow robot guy.
That's not the name!
So, are you done
trying to give yourself superpowers?
I guess I got kind of
out of control.
But you know
what's not out of control?
Finding the aliens
and getting them to give me powers.
I'm walking away now.
No. If we triangulate
all the UFO sightings
in the last several months,
we'll be able to predict the...
I'm not spiraling.
A little help here.
(METAL CREAKING)
Hey, big guy,
I found some folks
who are going
to be very happy to see you.
(OTTERS CALLING)
(SCREAMING)
Sorry, sorry, my bad, I should
have put him closer to the water.
Kind of a reckless guy.
I didn't know he was gonna run.
I was gonna pick him up
and drop him.
Classic hamster mistake.
ALL: Aww.
Aww.
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel