Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Episode #1.15 - full transcript
Who's the improbable duo
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can do it
Then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin
In the minivan
Life's but
a walking shadow told by an idiot.
Full of sound
and fury, signifying nothing.
Wow, you're really
hanging out with Fred too much.
What's wrong?
There's nothing to do!
- Go to Bailey's.
- I can't.
She's spending
the day at her grandparent's house.
Okay, go watch some T.V.
Ugh, I've already
seen all the shows.
Okay, go do your homework.
I already did that.
Even the math.
Have you pondered
the meaning of existence?
What? Didn't you just hear me
quoting Shakespeare?
Then I have no more
ideas for you.
Ugh.
I'm so bored.
So bored.
So bored.
No, no, no, no!
No.
What have you done?
(EXCLAIMS)
You're bored?
Let's fix that.
Shall we?
Come on.
The bathroom's bored too.
The whole bathroom?
Every last tile.
They're all bored.
Now where's your brother?
Okay. It's just you.
But first, clean up
that tumbleweed.
(GROANS)
You think it's safe?
GRETEL: (ON PHONE)
Some big brother you are!
First sign of trouble,
you abandon me.
Hey, you knew better
than to say
the B word
when Mom's around.
As far as I'm concerned,
it's every man, woman
and domesticated rodent
for themselves.
And Hamster,
why did you run?
She's not going to make
you do chores.
I got caught up in the moment.
This is so not fair.
Now I'm gonna be
stuck here cleaning and you two are
gonna go off on
some crazy fun buddy buddy adventure.
Ah, well, I don't think
Hamster and I are...
See we're more like neutral
co-workers who live together.
That's so weird.
Maybe you two should go
hang out together.
Oh, it'll be like a bro day.
You two need that.
It'll be fun.
- GRETEL: Go, go, go.
- Who are you talking to?
- Bye.
-(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Uh, the shampoo bottle?
Hey, get off the floor
there, Bottley.
Keep an eye on her,
Mr. Soap Dispenser.
So,
uh...
You've been into any
new books lately?
Cause I'm reading
this one about...
You're making this weird.
Look, it's only weird if you...
- Oh, thank you.
-(PHONE RINGS)
There's been a
building collapse
in the warehouse district.
Great! I mean, wait, wait.
No, not... not great.
This is horrible.
Let me get the van
and we don't have Gretel
so we're going to have to
do this on our own.
Oh, okay. I see how it is.
I'll just follow in the van.
(GROANS)
I'm all done. Going to
play outside.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
The bathroom is clean already?
Yep, it's so shiny
and sparkly.
Wow,
that is impressive.
But that was just a warm up.
Here's a list
of all the things I want you to clean.
This is cruel and
unusual housekeeping.
COMPUTER VOICE: You have
arrived at your destination.
KEVIN: There doesn't
seem to be a building collapse.
Not creepy at all.
- Hey.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)
Hmm. I never took you
for a countertenor.
Knock it off, Hamster.
Where's the police
and the firefighters?
I don't like this.
Something weird is going on.
(DISTANT CLANGING)
Stay here, kid.
Kid? I'm 16.
By comparison, you're only
a year and a half.
I'm helping you.
HAMSTER: I'm not sure how.
You have no powers to protect yourself,
so it's really more
work for me.
I bring a lot to the team.
I come up with practically
all the plans.
Okay, that part wasn't
part of the plan.
Wait. Who is this
random child?
I'm not a kid.
I'm... 16.
Ugh, this is so not fair.
Ah, you should say you're
bored more often.
I'm finally catching up on
doing absolutely nothing.
You missed a spot.
(SCREAMS) What's going on?
"So sorry.
Just wanted rodent.
Here's 20 for the
inconvenience, kid."
Kid? I'm 16.
But I'll still take the 20.
Okay, he's still
in there somewhere.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What catastrophe do you
need my help with now?
I hate that you know
us so well.
I need help sneaking
into the warehouse at 246 Porter Ave.
Kevin, are you
breaking and entering?
No. We got hit with
knockout gas.
I need to get back
inside the building to save hamster
without letting this...
Exterminator guy
know I'm there.
Wait, where's Gretel?
She's at home cleaning
cause she said that she was bored.
- FRED: Out loud?
- KEVIN: Yep. Mom heard.
Amateur move.
Apparently that warehouse
used to be the old
go-kart motocross track.
Oh, I had my
tenth birthday there.
Yeah, awesome!
Oh, this is so cool! Yeah!
It's just centrifugal
force and hundreds of hours of practice.
Well, I was cynical
even back then.
There is an open air vent on
the east side of the building.
(SIGHS) There's gonna
be like a thousand spiders in there.
EXTERMINATOR: Did you
have a nice nap, Hamster?
Because I didn't.
I find it very difficult
to nap during the day.
I throws off my
circadian rhythm.
Anyway,
perhaps you're thinking
to yourself,
"how did this person
I'd never met
so easily get
the better of me?
Why is he so determined
to destroy me?"
Well, I'll tell you anyway.
EXTERMINATOR: I used to work
in a science lab.
But we had been
infested with rats.
So I built the most
sophisticated robotic rat trap
ever devised.
But just when I was about to
activate my creation...
-(RAT SCREECHING)
- ...one of the rats startled me.
I fell against my lab partner's
recently completed project.
A device for merging two
objects into one.
And I was forever merged
with my robotic rat trap.
Know, so the reason
why I'm no longer a human.
Therefore, I will destroy them
one by one,
starting with the most
powerful one of all. You.
The second most powerful
is Stomps,
the rabbit that can do math.
CHORUS:
Stomps, the rabbit who can do math!
But he doesn't
show his work
Rabbits are lagomorphs.
Not rodents.
Really?
Go on, you're free.
(SIGHS)
Go.
There's the door.
Go! Now he's under
the desk.
Come on, You can do it.
There you go.
Glad I didn't have to
destroy you.
But now I will
destroy you.
With my army of cyborg rats.
Also created by the accident.
But that's a story for
another time.
How did this house
get so dirty?
Is that
a serious question?
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING AND EXCLAIMING)
Wait. You mean
it was us?
Of course it was you.
You're kids and kids
get things dirty.
But you only get to be young
for such a short time.
And I love how you two
still like to spend time together.
So I can go play
with Kevin now?
No. You missed a spot.
(GROANS)
Okay, I'm in. And there's
a surprising lack of spiders.
That's probably what the
spiders want you to think.
You're not helping.
Get ready for a rumble
Get ready, get ready, ooh!
Get ready for a rumble
Get ready, get ready, ooh!
Get ready for a rumble
You really think
you're so tough?
Well, let's see how tough
you are against Pi Rat!
EXTERMINATOR: See,
his name works on multiple levels.
He's got a pi symbol there on
his chest, and he's a rat.
He's also pirate themed.
I couldn't find a parrot.
But his eye is a laser.
Oh, and he also cooks pies.
But not for you!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
You know what?
I'm going to take a break
and get some nachos.
But you keep fighting.
Hamster, I got a plan.
See if you can
draw his fire.
Here.
Here.
Yes. Now, here!
Almost.
And here.
Now run, Hamster. Run!
(SCREAMS) This is worse
than spiders!
EXTERMINATOR: Hmm.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Faster... I can't run...
I really didn't think this out...
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
I see you've defeated
my Pi Rat.
But you will never defeat
the Exterminator!
Ow!
So, good bro day?
Good bro day.
GRETEL: I'm here. I'm here.
Fred told me what happened.
Oh man, did I miss everything?
(GRUNTING)
Pretty much,
but we got it.
Well, I'm glad
you two bros had fun.
Wait. How'd you escape
Mom and the mop?
It's a tragic story.
(YAWNS) Oh, man.
I am so bored.
(ECHOING) I am so bored...
I am so bored...
You're bored?
Gretel, you go play
with your brother.
Freedom!
The lawn needs mowing.
ALL: Amateur move.
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can do it
Then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin
In the minivan
Life's but
a walking shadow told by an idiot.
Full of sound
and fury, signifying nothing.
Wow, you're really
hanging out with Fred too much.
What's wrong?
There's nothing to do!
- Go to Bailey's.
- I can't.
She's spending
the day at her grandparent's house.
Okay, go watch some T.V.
Ugh, I've already
seen all the shows.
Okay, go do your homework.
I already did that.
Even the math.
Have you pondered
the meaning of existence?
What? Didn't you just hear me
quoting Shakespeare?
Then I have no more
ideas for you.
Ugh.
I'm so bored.
So bored.
So bored.
No, no, no, no!
No.
What have you done?
(EXCLAIMS)
You're bored?
Let's fix that.
Shall we?
Come on.
The bathroom's bored too.
The whole bathroom?
Every last tile.
They're all bored.
Now where's your brother?
Okay. It's just you.
But first, clean up
that tumbleweed.
(GROANS)
You think it's safe?
GRETEL: (ON PHONE)
Some big brother you are!
First sign of trouble,
you abandon me.
Hey, you knew better
than to say
the B word
when Mom's around.
As far as I'm concerned,
it's every man, woman
and domesticated rodent
for themselves.
And Hamster,
why did you run?
She's not going to make
you do chores.
I got caught up in the moment.
This is so not fair.
Now I'm gonna be
stuck here cleaning and you two are
gonna go off on
some crazy fun buddy buddy adventure.
Ah, well, I don't think
Hamster and I are...
See we're more like neutral
co-workers who live together.
That's so weird.
Maybe you two should go
hang out together.
Oh, it'll be like a bro day.
You two need that.
It'll be fun.
- GRETEL: Go, go, go.
- Who are you talking to?
- Bye.
-(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Uh, the shampoo bottle?
Hey, get off the floor
there, Bottley.
Keep an eye on her,
Mr. Soap Dispenser.
So,
uh...
You've been into any
new books lately?
Cause I'm reading
this one about...
You're making this weird.
Look, it's only weird if you...
- Oh, thank you.
-(PHONE RINGS)
There's been a
building collapse
in the warehouse district.
Great! I mean, wait, wait.
No, not... not great.
This is horrible.
Let me get the van
and we don't have Gretel
so we're going to have to
do this on our own.
Oh, okay. I see how it is.
I'll just follow in the van.
(GROANS)
I'm all done. Going to
play outside.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
The bathroom is clean already?
Yep, it's so shiny
and sparkly.
Wow,
that is impressive.
But that was just a warm up.
Here's a list
of all the things I want you to clean.
This is cruel and
unusual housekeeping.
COMPUTER VOICE: You have
arrived at your destination.
KEVIN: There doesn't
seem to be a building collapse.
Not creepy at all.
- Hey.
-(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)
Hmm. I never took you
for a countertenor.
Knock it off, Hamster.
Where's the police
and the firefighters?
I don't like this.
Something weird is going on.
(DISTANT CLANGING)
Stay here, kid.
Kid? I'm 16.
By comparison, you're only
a year and a half.
I'm helping you.
HAMSTER: I'm not sure how.
You have no powers to protect yourself,
so it's really more
work for me.
I bring a lot to the team.
I come up with practically
all the plans.
Okay, that part wasn't
part of the plan.
Wait. Who is this
random child?
I'm not a kid.
I'm... 16.
Ugh, this is so not fair.
Ah, you should say you're
bored more often.
I'm finally catching up on
doing absolutely nothing.
You missed a spot.
(SCREAMS) What's going on?
"So sorry.
Just wanted rodent.
Here's 20 for the
inconvenience, kid."
Kid? I'm 16.
But I'll still take the 20.
Okay, he's still
in there somewhere.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What catastrophe do you
need my help with now?
I hate that you know
us so well.
I need help sneaking
into the warehouse at 246 Porter Ave.
Kevin, are you
breaking and entering?
No. We got hit with
knockout gas.
I need to get back
inside the building to save hamster
without letting this...
Exterminator guy
know I'm there.
Wait, where's Gretel?
She's at home cleaning
cause she said that she was bored.
- FRED: Out loud?
- KEVIN: Yep. Mom heard.
Amateur move.
Apparently that warehouse
used to be the old
go-kart motocross track.
Oh, I had my
tenth birthday there.
Yeah, awesome!
Oh, this is so cool! Yeah!
It's just centrifugal
force and hundreds of hours of practice.
Well, I was cynical
even back then.
There is an open air vent on
the east side of the building.
(SIGHS) There's gonna
be like a thousand spiders in there.
EXTERMINATOR: Did you
have a nice nap, Hamster?
Because I didn't.
I find it very difficult
to nap during the day.
I throws off my
circadian rhythm.
Anyway,
perhaps you're thinking
to yourself,
"how did this person
I'd never met
so easily get
the better of me?
Why is he so determined
to destroy me?"
Well, I'll tell you anyway.
EXTERMINATOR: I used to work
in a science lab.
But we had been
infested with rats.
So I built the most
sophisticated robotic rat trap
ever devised.
But just when I was about to
activate my creation...
-(RAT SCREECHING)
- ...one of the rats startled me.
I fell against my lab partner's
recently completed project.
A device for merging two
objects into one.
And I was forever merged
with my robotic rat trap.
Know, so the reason
why I'm no longer a human.
Therefore, I will destroy them
one by one,
starting with the most
powerful one of all. You.
The second most powerful
is Stomps,
the rabbit that can do math.
CHORUS:
Stomps, the rabbit who can do math!
But he doesn't
show his work
Rabbits are lagomorphs.
Not rodents.
Really?
Go on, you're free.
(SIGHS)
Go.
There's the door.
Go! Now he's under
the desk.
Come on, You can do it.
There you go.
Glad I didn't have to
destroy you.
But now I will
destroy you.
With my army of cyborg rats.
Also created by the accident.
But that's a story for
another time.
How did this house
get so dirty?
Is that
a serious question?
-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHING AND EXCLAIMING)
Wait. You mean
it was us?
Of course it was you.
You're kids and kids
get things dirty.
But you only get to be young
for such a short time.
And I love how you two
still like to spend time together.
So I can go play
with Kevin now?
No. You missed a spot.
(GROANS)
Okay, I'm in. And there's
a surprising lack of spiders.
That's probably what the
spiders want you to think.
You're not helping.
Get ready for a rumble
Get ready, get ready, ooh!
Get ready for a rumble
Get ready, get ready, ooh!
Get ready for a rumble
You really think
you're so tough?
Well, let's see how tough
you are against Pi Rat!
EXTERMINATOR: See,
his name works on multiple levels.
He's got a pi symbol there on
his chest, and he's a rat.
He's also pirate themed.
I couldn't find a parrot.
But his eye is a laser.
Oh, and he also cooks pies.
But not for you!
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
You know what?
I'm going to take a break
and get some nachos.
But you keep fighting.
Hamster, I got a plan.
See if you can
draw his fire.
Here.
Here.
Yes. Now, here!
Almost.
And here.
Now run, Hamster. Run!
(SCREAMS) This is worse
than spiders!
EXTERMINATOR: Hmm.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Faster... I can't run...
I really didn't think this out...
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
I see you've defeated
my Pi Rat.
But you will never defeat
the Exterminator!
Ow!
So, good bro day?
Good bro day.
GRETEL: I'm here. I'm here.
Fred told me what happened.
Oh man, did I miss everything?
(GRUNTING)
Pretty much,
but we got it.
Well, I'm glad
you two bros had fun.
Wait. How'd you escape
Mom and the mop?
It's a tragic story.
(YAWNS) Oh, man.
I am so bored.
(ECHOING) I am so bored...
I am so bored...
You're bored?
Gretel, you go play
with your brother.
Freedom!
The lawn needs mowing.
ALL: Amateur move.