Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Episode #1.14 - full transcript
(YAWNING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Today's a really special day, you know
You can tell by my demeanor
that I'm ready to go
I mean, look at my face
It's really all aglow
Just like it was 365 days ago
It's an annual occurrence
I look forward to
This is gonna be a great big hullabaloo
And if we're lucky
there may even be a petting zoo
With a goat and a turtle
and a llama or two
'Cause it's my best friend
Bailey's birthday
It's gonna be the best day ever
There's no need to debate
'Cause it's my best friend
Bailey's birthday
I think you'll find
I'm of a mind to celebrate
She's my best pal
and her birthday's on my calendar
(BARKING)
Ay, good morning.
I love your unrelenting enthusiasm,
but can this wait till after coffee?
Who needs coffee
when it's Bailey's birthday?
BOTH: We do.
(SINGING) In the whole year
it's my very favorite day
'Cause it's a whole day
just to celebrate her
So hear me when I say
She's my comrade, my confidante
My partner and my pal
She's my one and only BFF
So let me tell you now!
It's my best friend Bailey's birthday
And I don't believe
it's possible to overstate
- It's my best friend Bailey's birthday
-(BLOWS PARTY HORN)
I've got these visual aids
to help me illustrate
She's my best pal
and her birthday's on my calendar now!
Okay, so shot in the dark,
but it's Bailey's birthday?
Why, yes, it is. And her
birthday parties are the best ever.
Well, your parties are pretty rocking too.
All right, kids.
I, the Amazing Carl Renoza Jr.,
will make this quarter disappear
simply using magic!
(CLATTERING)
(LINE RINGING)
Dad, I failed you. I dropped the quarter.
- The kids saw it.
- MAN: Oh, no!
They stopped believing in magic.
MAN: Get out of there.
Get out of there now!
(GLASS BREAKING)
- CARL: Ow!
- Who wants some birthday meatloaf?
- Well, we're off to the swap meet.
- You kids have fun today and be safe.
Be safe? Today nothing can go wrong.
REPORTER ON TV:
Everything is going wrong!
A birthday-destroying scoundrel
has been wreaking havoc across the city.
No one knows who is responsible,
but parties have been utterly destroyed.
My party was ruined.
This is worse than the time
that magician jumped out the window.
Will nothing stop
the mysterious party pooper?
Remind me if I'm ever a villain
never to use pooper in my name.
We're gonna have to be
on high alert at Bailey's party.
I won't let anything, and I mean anything,
ruin today, because today is...
(SINGING)
My best friend Bailey's birthday...
- No, no, no, no!
-(RECORD SCRATCH)
We don't have time
for another musical montage.
Kevin, why did you wrap my present
in this huge box? My gift is tiny.
Mom said I needed to get rid
of a bunch of boxes, so I got creative.
I don't appreciate feeling small.
Anyways, take a look
at the photos from the news reports
and see what those
destroyed birthdays have in common.
Let's see. They all have
a bouncy castle, cake,
balloons, number decorations
representing the passage of time.
- I meant look for something suspicious.
- Oh! Well, you should've said so.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Huh. I have a theory.
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, we can't jump to any conclusions.
Just because a clown
isn't photogenic doesn't mean...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, if anyone's pooping parties,
it's probably him.
We'll take him to prison
and be back in time for cake.
You can't take him to prison
without evidence he's evil.
Ugh, fine, but Bailey's my best friend
and we are not letting
anyone poop her party.
So until we get this so-called evidence...
Gretel, just play it cool and not draw
attention to ourselves until... Hiromi!
Whoa! (GRUNTS)
-(BALLOONS POPPING)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Yeah. Your definition of cool
and mine might be different.
- BAILEY: Gretel!
- Bailey!
You're here!
I can't wait to do everything together.
You made it to
the ice sculpture this year.
I'm honored. But, um...
BAILEY: First thing
on our to-do list is to get
thematically-matching face paints.
Gretel, don't you want to
give Bailey her awesomely wrapped present?
- Yes.
- Wow! It's so big!
Everyone, time to unwrap
the presents inside the house.
-(CHILDREN CHEERING)
- Very, very far from this general vicinity
where nothing suspicious is happening.
Yeah. All right.
- Come on, Gretel.
- Right behind you.
BAILEY: So back to
the thematically-matching face paint.
I could get a thimble,
you could get a submarine.
All right. Time to bring down that clown.
(DEFLATING)
But how much time do we have?
Remember when I said
I got creative with the gift wrapping?
BAILEY: It's another box.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
In legal jargon, we call this a stakeout.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YAWNS)
Okay. I thought this
was gonna be more exciting.
Another box!
- Gretel? Gretel? Gretel?
- Be right back.
I'm bored, and I run in a wheel.
I'm right here.
This is the most fun
I've had opening a present.
I'll clear some of this wrapping paper.
I am very passionate about recycling.
I'll be right back.
- HIROMI: Kevin.
-(YELPS) Hey... (MUMBLES)
Want me to grab you some punch?
I was on my way to grab some myself.
Uh, yes. Yeah. Punch me. I mean,
don't actually punch me, but you get it.
- HIROMI: I get it. I'll be back in a jiff.
- What did I miss?
Oh, Hiromi came by.
I think I played it pretty chill.
(HAMSTER GROANING)
Okay, but what's the clown up to...
Wait. Where did he go?
We got to find him.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
- He's not in here.
- Keep looking.
He's making a run for it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, Mr. Grump-Grump,
- if that is your real name.
-(YELLS)
Uh, it's not.
We know what you're up to.
What do you have in that bag?
Some party-ruining supplies
like bowties, balloons, oversized shoes?
(HORN HONKS)
- You're just a regular clown?
-(ANGRILY) Just a regular clown?
(CALMLY) Nope. You see, (CHUCKLES)
I'm carving out my own niche.
You've got funny clowns and sad clowns.
I thought, "Hey, why not angry clowns?"
It's an untapped market.
So you're not the one
destroying these parties?
The only thing I destroy
are preconceived notions about clowns.
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
- What's that?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no! The real party pooper was here.
And we got distracted by that awful clown.
CLOWN: I have a name.
The trail of destruction
goes into the bouncy castle.
- CLOWN: And feelings.
- I don't see anyone in here.
(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)
- I'm right here.
- What is going on?
What's the matter? Never seen
a sentient bouncy castle before?
- No. How are you even alive?
- I have no idea.
NARRATOR: Two weeks earlier.
ALIEN: We will now bestow upon you
powers unimaginable...
Oops. Spilled my orange juice.
(WHOOSHING)
But clearly I have magnificent purpose.
But why would you
want to destroy kids' parties?
BOUNCY CASTLE: All those years
of children mercilessly
jumping on me for their own enjoyment.
I purposely didn't clip
my toenails for weeks.
I'm wearing cleats.
BOUNCY CASTLE:
Now I shall trample on their parties
the way they trampled on me.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
- It's another box!
- ALL: Whoa!
Gretel, get out of there!
Nothing is working.
Every time we punch, we just bounce.
- Hold on. Let me think.
-(GENERATOR WHIRRING)
A-ha! You can't destroy
if you're deflated.
Oh, no! (GASPS)
(MUFFLED) You can't stop me!
Huh? I can't understand you.
Your mouth is closed.
(MUFFLED) Nice try.
Wait. Make it laugh.
You can't hold your breath if you laugh.
You're a genius, Gretel.
Hurry, Kevin.
(GRUNTING)
Quick! Do something funny.
- Uh...
-(GROWLS)
In my defense, I'm less of a "ha-ha" clown
and more of a "life is pain" clown.
Oh, great. Oh!
- A pie to the face!
- Kevin?
- Watch this.
- Whoa!
KEVIN: Wait. Why did you dodge?
It would've been hilarious.
CLOWN: I panicked. Sorry.
-(LLAMAS BRAYING)
- Whoa!
(THUDDING)
-(WHOOSHING)
- Whoa!
(YELLS)
-(GIGGLES)
- CLOWN: See, you ducked!
KEVIN: I am not a clown!
(YELLS)
- BOTH: Whoa!
- KEVIN: Ah!
(YELLS)
Look out!
BAILEY: It's another box!
-(KEVIN YELLS)
- CHILDREN: Oh, cool!
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING FASTER)
(PILOT YELPS)
-"Marry Mel"? Who's Mel?
- My name is Mel.
Okay.
KEVIN: Whoa!
(SCREAMING)
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMING)
The kid. A clown's gotta do
what a clown's gotta do.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
-(WHISTLING NOISE)
-(EXCLAIMS)
(BALLOONS SQUEAK)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Yes!
- Ah!
(SIGHS) I can't believe
I didn't get hit by...
(BALLOONS SQUEALING)
(MUFFLED LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
No! Oh, no!
Unnecessarily laugh at slapstick!
My weakness!
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
GIRL: Look! It's Hamster and Gretel!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
- Oh, no. We ruined her party.
-(BRAYING)
I got to get to Bailey before she sees.
- Kevin.
-(GASPS)
I had no idea you were this funny.
That was hilarious.
Yeah, I did that on purpose.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello. We did that on purpose.
I also do weddings and bat mitzvahs.
(HONKS HORN)
(SQUEALS)
- A friendship bracelet. Thanks, Gretel.
- I made it myself.
(CHILDREN CHANTING)
Hamster and Gretel! Hamster and Gretel!
- Oh, no!
- CHILDREN: Hamster and Gretel!
Oh, Bailey, I'm so sorry
your party was ruined.
No, the party's not ruined.
Sure, a lot of stuff got destroyed,
but everybody had a great time,
and I got to spend time with you.
I'm just sad because
apparently Hamster and Gretel showed up
and I missed them,
and I'm their biggest fan.
Bailey!
There's no way I could come to your party
without wishing you a happy birthday.
-(SQUEALS) Hamster and Gretel!
- Happy Birthday, Bailey.
Did you see that? Hamster and Gretel
wished me a happy birthday and... Wait.
- Look at that. I can't believe they came.
- Best birthday ever!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Today's a really special day, you know
You can tell by my demeanor
that I'm ready to go
I mean, look at my face
It's really all aglow
Just like it was 365 days ago
It's an annual occurrence
I look forward to
This is gonna be a great big hullabaloo
And if we're lucky
there may even be a petting zoo
With a goat and a turtle
and a llama or two
'Cause it's my best friend
Bailey's birthday
It's gonna be the best day ever
There's no need to debate
'Cause it's my best friend
Bailey's birthday
I think you'll find
I'm of a mind to celebrate
She's my best pal
and her birthday's on my calendar
(BARKING)
Ay, good morning.
I love your unrelenting enthusiasm,
but can this wait till after coffee?
Who needs coffee
when it's Bailey's birthday?
BOTH: We do.
(SINGING) In the whole year
it's my very favorite day
'Cause it's a whole day
just to celebrate her
So hear me when I say
She's my comrade, my confidante
My partner and my pal
She's my one and only BFF
So let me tell you now!
It's my best friend Bailey's birthday
And I don't believe
it's possible to overstate
- It's my best friend Bailey's birthday
-(BLOWS PARTY HORN)
I've got these visual aids
to help me illustrate
She's my best pal
and her birthday's on my calendar now!
Okay, so shot in the dark,
but it's Bailey's birthday?
Why, yes, it is. And her
birthday parties are the best ever.
Well, your parties are pretty rocking too.
All right, kids.
I, the Amazing Carl Renoza Jr.,
will make this quarter disappear
simply using magic!
(CLATTERING)
(LINE RINGING)
Dad, I failed you. I dropped the quarter.
- The kids saw it.
- MAN: Oh, no!
They stopped believing in magic.
MAN: Get out of there.
Get out of there now!
(GLASS BREAKING)
- CARL: Ow!
- Who wants some birthday meatloaf?
- Well, we're off to the swap meet.
- You kids have fun today and be safe.
Be safe? Today nothing can go wrong.
REPORTER ON TV:
Everything is going wrong!
A birthday-destroying scoundrel
has been wreaking havoc across the city.
No one knows who is responsible,
but parties have been utterly destroyed.
My party was ruined.
This is worse than the time
that magician jumped out the window.
Will nothing stop
the mysterious party pooper?
Remind me if I'm ever a villain
never to use pooper in my name.
We're gonna have to be
on high alert at Bailey's party.
I won't let anything, and I mean anything,
ruin today, because today is...
(SINGING)
My best friend Bailey's birthday...
- No, no, no, no!
-(RECORD SCRATCH)
We don't have time
for another musical montage.
Kevin, why did you wrap my present
in this huge box? My gift is tiny.
Mom said I needed to get rid
of a bunch of boxes, so I got creative.
I don't appreciate feeling small.
Anyways, take a look
at the photos from the news reports
and see what those
destroyed birthdays have in common.
Let's see. They all have
a bouncy castle, cake,
balloons, number decorations
representing the passage of time.
- I meant look for something suspicious.
- Oh! Well, you should've said so.
-(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Huh. I have a theory.
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, we can't jump to any conclusions.
Just because a clown
isn't photogenic doesn't mean...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah, if anyone's pooping parties,
it's probably him.
We'll take him to prison
and be back in time for cake.
You can't take him to prison
without evidence he's evil.
Ugh, fine, but Bailey's my best friend
and we are not letting
anyone poop her party.
So until we get this so-called evidence...
Gretel, just play it cool and not draw
attention to ourselves until... Hiromi!
Whoa! (GRUNTS)
-(BALLOONS POPPING)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Yeah. Your definition of cool
and mine might be different.
- BAILEY: Gretel!
- Bailey!
You're here!
I can't wait to do everything together.
You made it to
the ice sculpture this year.
I'm honored. But, um...
BAILEY: First thing
on our to-do list is to get
thematically-matching face paints.
Gretel, don't you want to
give Bailey her awesomely wrapped present?
- Yes.
- Wow! It's so big!
Everyone, time to unwrap
the presents inside the house.
-(CHILDREN CHEERING)
- Very, very far from this general vicinity
where nothing suspicious is happening.
Yeah. All right.
- Come on, Gretel.
- Right behind you.
BAILEY: So back to
the thematically-matching face paint.
I could get a thimble,
you could get a submarine.
All right. Time to bring down that clown.
(DEFLATING)
But how much time do we have?
Remember when I said
I got creative with the gift wrapping?
BAILEY: It's another box.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
In legal jargon, we call this a stakeout.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YAWNS)
Okay. I thought this
was gonna be more exciting.
Another box!
- Gretel? Gretel? Gretel?
- Be right back.
I'm bored, and I run in a wheel.
I'm right here.
This is the most fun
I've had opening a present.
I'll clear some of this wrapping paper.
I am very passionate about recycling.
I'll be right back.
- HIROMI: Kevin.
-(YELPS) Hey... (MUMBLES)
Want me to grab you some punch?
I was on my way to grab some myself.
Uh, yes. Yeah. Punch me. I mean,
don't actually punch me, but you get it.
- HIROMI: I get it. I'll be back in a jiff.
- What did I miss?
Oh, Hiromi came by.
I think I played it pretty chill.
(HAMSTER GROANING)
Okay, but what's the clown up to...
Wait. Where did he go?
We got to find him.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
- He's not in here.
- Keep looking.
He's making a run for it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, Mr. Grump-Grump,
- if that is your real name.
-(YELLS)
Uh, it's not.
We know what you're up to.
What do you have in that bag?
Some party-ruining supplies
like bowties, balloons, oversized shoes?
(HORN HONKS)
- You're just a regular clown?
-(ANGRILY) Just a regular clown?
(CALMLY) Nope. You see, (CHUCKLES)
I'm carving out my own niche.
You've got funny clowns and sad clowns.
I thought, "Hey, why not angry clowns?"
It's an untapped market.
So you're not the one
destroying these parties?
The only thing I destroy
are preconceived notions about clowns.
-(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
- What's that?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no! The real party pooper was here.
And we got distracted by that awful clown.
CLOWN: I have a name.
The trail of destruction
goes into the bouncy castle.
- CLOWN: And feelings.
- I don't see anyone in here.
(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)
- I'm right here.
- What is going on?
What's the matter? Never seen
a sentient bouncy castle before?
- No. How are you even alive?
- I have no idea.
NARRATOR: Two weeks earlier.
ALIEN: We will now bestow upon you
powers unimaginable...
Oops. Spilled my orange juice.
(WHOOSHING)
But clearly I have magnificent purpose.
But why would you
want to destroy kids' parties?
BOUNCY CASTLE: All those years
of children mercilessly
jumping on me for their own enjoyment.
I purposely didn't clip
my toenails for weeks.
I'm wearing cleats.
BOUNCY CASTLE:
Now I shall trample on their parties
the way they trampled on me.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
- It's another box!
- ALL: Whoa!
Gretel, get out of there!
Nothing is working.
Every time we punch, we just bounce.
- Hold on. Let me think.
-(GENERATOR WHIRRING)
A-ha! You can't destroy
if you're deflated.
Oh, no! (GASPS)
(MUFFLED) You can't stop me!
Huh? I can't understand you.
Your mouth is closed.
(MUFFLED) Nice try.
Wait. Make it laugh.
You can't hold your breath if you laugh.
You're a genius, Gretel.
Hurry, Kevin.
(GRUNTING)
Quick! Do something funny.
- Uh...
-(GROWLS)
In my defense, I'm less of a "ha-ha" clown
and more of a "life is pain" clown.
Oh, great. Oh!
- A pie to the face!
- Kevin?
- Watch this.
- Whoa!
KEVIN: Wait. Why did you dodge?
It would've been hilarious.
CLOWN: I panicked. Sorry.
-(LLAMAS BRAYING)
- Whoa!
(THUDDING)
-(WHOOSHING)
- Whoa!
(YELLS)
-(GIGGLES)
- CLOWN: See, you ducked!
KEVIN: I am not a clown!
(YELLS)
- BOTH: Whoa!
- KEVIN: Ah!
(YELLS)
Look out!
BAILEY: It's another box!
-(KEVIN YELLS)
- CHILDREN: Oh, cool!
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING FASTER)
(PILOT YELPS)
-"Marry Mel"? Who's Mel?
- My name is Mel.
Okay.
KEVIN: Whoa!
(SCREAMING)
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMING)
The kid. A clown's gotta do
what a clown's gotta do.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
-(WHISTLING NOISE)
-(EXCLAIMS)
(BALLOONS SQUEAK)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
- Yes!
- Ah!
(SIGHS) I can't believe
I didn't get hit by...
(BALLOONS SQUEALING)
(MUFFLED LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
No! Oh, no!
Unnecessarily laugh at slapstick!
My weakness!
(LAUGHING)
(GASPING)
GIRL: Look! It's Hamster and Gretel!
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
- Oh, no. We ruined her party.
-(BRAYING)
I got to get to Bailey before she sees.
- Kevin.
-(GASPS)
I had no idea you were this funny.
That was hilarious.
Yeah, I did that on purpose.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello. We did that on purpose.
I also do weddings and bat mitzvahs.
(HONKS HORN)
(SQUEALS)
- A friendship bracelet. Thanks, Gretel.
- I made it myself.
(CHILDREN CHANTING)
Hamster and Gretel! Hamster and Gretel!
- Oh, no!
- CHILDREN: Hamster and Gretel!
Oh, Bailey, I'm so sorry
your party was ruined.
No, the party's not ruined.
Sure, a lot of stuff got destroyed,
but everybody had a great time,
and I got to spend time with you.
I'm just sad because
apparently Hamster and Gretel showed up
and I missed them,
and I'm their biggest fan.
Bailey!
There's no way I could come to your party
without wishing you a happy birthday.
-(SQUEALS) Hamster and Gretel!
- Happy Birthday, Bailey.
Did you see that? Hamster and Gretel
wished me a happy birthday and... Wait.
- Look at that. I can't believe they came.
- Best birthday ever!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Hamster and Gretel
It's Hamster
Hamster and Gretel