Hamster & Gretel (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.13 - full transcript
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Who's the improbable duo
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can't do it
Then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin
In the minivan
-(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
- Stop being better than me.
Dude, that's like
asking a bird not to fly.
You know, one of these days,
I am so gonna...
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Lose?
- You're cocky.
- I'm only cocky because I'm so good.
(SNORING)
FRED: Hey, why does your dog
sleep so weird?
It's part of his unique gift,
which is being really, really dumb.
I'll show you. Churro. Churro, come.
-(YAPS)
- Just wait. You'll love it.
-(PANTING)
- Okay, go get it.
(AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(GRUNTS AND WHIMPERS)
(WHIMPERING)
Thanks for helping me
build this for art class.
You mean me building the whole thing
while you signed autographs.
I saved that bus full of kids.
It would have been rude to leave.
-(CHILDREN CHEERING)
-(CROCODILES GROWLING)
- Don't forget what day it is today.
- Too late.
It's "Take Gretel to Mr. Brain Freeze
for bubblegum tapioca ice cream
"barring any crime fighting
that might happen" day.
Don't be sneaky. That's on Saturday.
What? I can't have more than one
"Take Gretel to Mr. Brain Freeze..."
Out. Go. Get straight A's
with the project that I made you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(LAUGHING)
Man, he's really dumb.
- What's it like being famous?
- I don't get it. What's going on?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(GRUNTS AND WHIMPERS)
- Wait. You posted it?
- Last night.
Already has two million views.
- What?
- Yep. You and Churro are blowing up.
- I can't believe it. That's insane.
-(GIGGLES) Your dog is so dumb.
- So dumb.
- Thanks.
Wow. Fame has already
gone to your fingers.
We're trending on
every platform overnight.
We have, like, millions of fans.
Hey, tell them your catchphrase, Kevin.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(WHIMPERING)
So you're welcoming people to dumb?
- That's not even a place.
- I know dumb is not a place.
It's a dog.
A very, very cute little fuzzy dog.
I can't believe it. That's him.
That's Churro.
The opposite of smart. We love you.
- I guess it's a young person thing.
-"Welcome to the opposite of smart."
Looks like you have yourself
a cool new hobby. Congrats, kiddo.
It's not a hobby, Dad.
I'm a successful pet influencer.
I've already gotten calls from sponsors
wanting Churro to do dumb stuff for money.
Wow! I'm so proud
of my little entrepreneur.
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
He's doing something stupid.
(GROWLING)
Boom mic, check. Light reflector, check.
Hey. Hey.
I have a permit for the monkey bars.
Aw!
Fred, I'll shoot the main footage
while you shoot B-roll.
- B-roll?
- Different angles I can cut in the story.
You're my second unit director.
Don't worry. I'll give you credit.
- Please don't.
-(BARKS)
Hey, Kevin, can I shoot the C-roll?
- There's no such thing as C-roll.
-(BARKS)
I could fly around with the camera.
I already got a drone.
Actually, Gretel, you're in my shot.
Can you go over there
by the swings? Thanks.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)
Bet you're a little jealous,
since you're, you know,
a miraculous, superpowered,
talking hamster
while Churro's getting all this attention
just for being, you know, dumb.
Actually, I'm okay with it.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah, me too.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- Look how happy Kevin is.
(BARKS)
Hey, Kevin, after we finish,
don't forget we're getting ice cream.
Sorry, Gretel. I'm way too slammed today.
My assistant's gonna set up another time.
You don't even have an assistant.
I know. I've been too busy to hire one.
We'll go another time, though.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Welcome to The Opposite
of Smart Enterprises.
- K-man speaking.
- K-man?
We could put you in on Friday
between Colonel Kibble Pork Chews
and Happy Puppy Pee-Pee Pads.
(SIGHS)
I think Kevin likes
Churro more than me now.
I think he just needs to be
reminded of how great you are.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You've just got to do
more to get his attention.
- Yeah. I will not be ignored.
- You will not be ignored!
I will not be ignored!
BOTH: Yeah!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
GRETEL: (SINGING)
I don't like what's going on here
I can't help but feel demoted a little
I used to be your favorite
Now there's something wrong here
Went from first-chair cellist
to a second fiddle
I don't like being an also-ran
A runner-up, an honorable mention
- I want you to see me
- CHORUS: See me, see me
GRETEL: I want your attention
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, look at me
I'm having tea
I'm in a tree
Hey, look, I'm on TV
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
Listen, mister
I won't be ignored
I'm your little sister
CHORUS: Little sister
And did I forget to mention?
I want your attention!
(CROWD CLAPPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
This is it, guys.
Churro and I have hit it big time.
We've been invited to be special guests
at Puppy-Con tomorrow,
and we have our own booth.
Yay! This is so exciting.
You're not bringing
that lobster with you, I hope.
This outfit happens to be a fan favorite.
He walks really dumb in it.
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Can I come to Puppy-Con with you?
I can be your assistant.
Sorry, Gretel. I'm gonna be
too busy to look after you,
so maybe on the next one.
Anyways, we gotta go and prepare.
I never get to do fun stuff
with Kevin anymore.
He's forgotten I even exist.
Ay, sweetie, your brother has never
gotten to influence anything before.
Every person needs their time to shine.
Yeah, well, he's starting
to get too shiny, if you ask me.
Hey, what do I always say?
No whining about shining.
- You've never once said that.
- Well, I should. It rhymes.
How hard could it be
to take me to Puppy-Con?
He doesn't have to babysit me.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
- Uh-oh.
- What "oh"?
Terror has struck as influencer dogs
have been stolen from
Puppy-Cons all over the tri-state area,
depriving extremely bored people
of their only source of entertainment.
No one is sure who the perpetrator is,
but one thing is for sure.
It's a doggone shame. (CHUCKLING)
Kevin! Kevin! Somebody's dog-napping
influencer dogs at Puppy-Cons.
You need to take us so we can protect you.
(CHUCKLING) I see.
So right when you want to come along,
suddenly there's a person
stealing dogs at Puppy-Con.
I'm not making it up.
Look, I know we haven't had
a lot of quality time together lately,
but I promise, after Puppy-Con,
we'll get some hang-time.
We'll be okay, Lil' G.
- Lil' G?
- I'm still processing K-man.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
It's Kathy with a K. I've waited
my whole life to meet you guys,
even though I didn't know
who you were until last week.
Cool. Would you like
a pawtograph too, Kathy with a K?
- More than life itself.
-(GRUNTING)
Hey! I'm a big fan of you and your dog.
My dog isn't dumb like yours,
but he sure is small. (CHUCKLES)
I can see that.
Does he have any special skills?
No. Pretty much just small.
(TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. And the Irish dancing.
Wow! That's totally insane.
Where are you guys going?
We're giving free selfies
with every pawtograph.
Hey! That's my dumb dog.
- It's the Dog Napper!
- KEVIN: Security!
You'll never catch the Dog Napper.
CHORUS: The Dog Napper!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ENGINE REVVING)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(WHIMPERS)
I can't believe how stupid I am.
My sister warned me,
and I didn't believe her.
I'm such a jerk.
I've been so wrapped up in myself.
All she wanted was to come to Puppy-Con.
- I didn't invite her.
- She just wanted to be around you.
I bet she even knows
she's been really annoying lately,
and was being resentful
of your time to shine.
Wow. That is shockingly insightful
for just having...
- I love you, Kevin.
- What?
- It's me! I was wearing this mask.
- Oh, Lil' G!
I'm so sorry for not bringing you along.
Where's Hamster?
Hamster. Hey, well, that makes sense.
(SCREAMS)
Let's go get our dog back.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
- Pull over the vehicle, ma'am.
- What the... You can't stop me!
-(WHOOSHING)
-(CRASHING)
Wait. Why am I stopping?
Your fan belt needs replacing.
And I guess your whole engine now.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Great work, Hamster.
Okay, lady, we've got you now.
(CHUCKLING) Well, good thing I'm a...
Whoo-hoo! Master of the martial arts!
-(BOTH GRUNT)
-(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)
(GRUNTING)
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(CRASHES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
The willow survives
by bending with the wind.
What does that even mean?
-(THUDDING)
-(SIREN BLARING)
Why were you stealing dogs?
I used to own a Labradoodle
named Mutt Damon.
He went viral,
but he was a one-hit wonder.
- Cute fades, but dumb is forever.
-(WARBLES)
I started stealing charismatic dogs
to cash in on their fame.
Every like gave me a little jolt
of happiness, and I felt like a star.
Wow. Now I've had a glimpse
of what I might have become.
Of course, I was also
planning on selling them
to a Russian circus
when they stopped making me money. So...
- Okay, not now. That got dark real quick.
-(DOOR OPENS)
What? I'm a cat person. (CHUCKLING)
(SIREN WAILING)
On that note, wanna guess what day it is?
BOTH: It's "Take Gretel
to Mr. Brain Freeze
"for bubblegum tapioca ice cream
"barring any crime fighting
that might happen" day!
I am so done with fame.
I lost track of pretty much
everything that matters to me.
- Do I matter to you?
- Only the most.
(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(PANTING)
-(SLURPING)
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
Maybe this one's just for us.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Who's the improbable duo
That you heard about?
Faster than a scooter
Stronger than metal
Who's the little girl
And her domesticated rodent?
Who's still standing
When you see the dust settle?
It's Hamster
Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
If they can't do it
Then nobody can
Hamster, Hamster, Hamster
Hamster and Gretel
There's also Kevin
In the minivan
-(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
- Stop being better than me.
Dude, that's like
asking a bird not to fly.
You know, one of these days,
I am so gonna...
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
Lose?
- You're cocky.
- I'm only cocky because I'm so good.
(SNORING)
FRED: Hey, why does your dog
sleep so weird?
It's part of his unique gift,
which is being really, really dumb.
I'll show you. Churro. Churro, come.
-(YAPS)
- Just wait. You'll love it.
-(PANTING)
- Okay, go get it.
(AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(GRUNTS AND WHIMPERS)
(WHIMPERING)
Thanks for helping me
build this for art class.
You mean me building the whole thing
while you signed autographs.
I saved that bus full of kids.
It would have been rude to leave.
-(CHILDREN CHEERING)
-(CROCODILES GROWLING)
- Don't forget what day it is today.
- Too late.
It's "Take Gretel to Mr. Brain Freeze
for bubblegum tapioca ice cream
"barring any crime fighting
that might happen" day.
Don't be sneaky. That's on Saturday.
What? I can't have more than one
"Take Gretel to Mr. Brain Freeze..."
Out. Go. Get straight A's
with the project that I made you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(LAUGHING)
Man, he's really dumb.
- What's it like being famous?
- I don't get it. What's going on?
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(GRUNTS AND WHIMPERS)
- Wait. You posted it?
- Last night.
Already has two million views.
- What?
- Yep. You and Churro are blowing up.
- I can't believe it. That's insane.
-(GIGGLES) Your dog is so dumb.
- So dumb.
- Thanks.
Wow. Fame has already
gone to your fingers.
We're trending on
every platform overnight.
We have, like, millions of fans.
Hey, tell them your catchphrase, Kevin.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the opposite of smart.
(WHIMPERING)
So you're welcoming people to dumb?
- That's not even a place.
- I know dumb is not a place.
It's a dog.
A very, very cute little fuzzy dog.
I can't believe it. That's him.
That's Churro.
The opposite of smart. We love you.
- I guess it's a young person thing.
-"Welcome to the opposite of smart."
Looks like you have yourself
a cool new hobby. Congrats, kiddo.
It's not a hobby, Dad.
I'm a successful pet influencer.
I've already gotten calls from sponsors
wanting Churro to do dumb stuff for money.
Wow! I'm so proud
of my little entrepreneur.
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
He's doing something stupid.
(GROWLING)
Boom mic, check. Light reflector, check.
Hey. Hey.
I have a permit for the monkey bars.
Aw!
Fred, I'll shoot the main footage
while you shoot B-roll.
- B-roll?
- Different angles I can cut in the story.
You're my second unit director.
Don't worry. I'll give you credit.
- Please don't.
-(BARKS)
Hey, Kevin, can I shoot the C-roll?
- There's no such thing as C-roll.
-(BARKS)
I could fly around with the camera.
I already got a drone.
Actually, Gretel, you're in my shot.
Can you go over there
by the swings? Thanks.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)
Bet you're a little jealous,
since you're, you know,
a miraculous, superpowered,
talking hamster
while Churro's getting all this attention
just for being, you know, dumb.
Actually, I'm okay with it.
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, yeah, me too.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- Look how happy Kevin is.
(BARKS)
Hey, Kevin, after we finish,
don't forget we're getting ice cream.
Sorry, Gretel. I'm way too slammed today.
My assistant's gonna set up another time.
You don't even have an assistant.
I know. I've been too busy to hire one.
We'll go another time, though.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Welcome to The Opposite
of Smart Enterprises.
- K-man speaking.
- K-man?
We could put you in on Friday
between Colonel Kibble Pork Chews
and Happy Puppy Pee-Pee Pads.
(SIGHS)
I think Kevin likes
Churro more than me now.
I think he just needs to be
reminded of how great you are.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You've just got to do
more to get his attention.
- Yeah. I will not be ignored.
- You will not be ignored!
I will not be ignored!
BOTH: Yeah!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
GRETEL: (SINGING)
I don't like what's going on here
I can't help but feel demoted a little
I used to be your favorite
Now there's something wrong here
Went from first-chair cellist
to a second fiddle
I don't like being an also-ran
A runner-up, an honorable mention
- I want you to see me
- CHORUS: See me, see me
GRETEL: I want your attention
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, look at me
I'm having tea
I'm in a tree
Hey, look, I'm on TV
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
Listen, mister
I won't be ignored
I'm your little sister
CHORUS: Little sister
And did I forget to mention?
I want your attention!
(CROWD CLAPPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
This is it, guys.
Churro and I have hit it big time.
We've been invited to be special guests
at Puppy-Con tomorrow,
and we have our own booth.
Yay! This is so exciting.
You're not bringing
that lobster with you, I hope.
This outfit happens to be a fan favorite.
He walks really dumb in it.
(COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Can I come to Puppy-Con with you?
I can be your assistant.
Sorry, Gretel. I'm gonna be
too busy to look after you,
so maybe on the next one.
Anyways, we gotta go and prepare.
I never get to do fun stuff
with Kevin anymore.
He's forgotten I even exist.
Ay, sweetie, your brother has never
gotten to influence anything before.
Every person needs their time to shine.
Yeah, well, he's starting
to get too shiny, if you ask me.
Hey, what do I always say?
No whining about shining.
- You've never once said that.
- Well, I should. It rhymes.
How hard could it be
to take me to Puppy-Con?
He doesn't have to babysit me.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
- Uh-oh.
- What "oh"?
Terror has struck as influencer dogs
have been stolen from
Puppy-Cons all over the tri-state area,
depriving extremely bored people
of their only source of entertainment.
No one is sure who the perpetrator is,
but one thing is for sure.
It's a doggone shame. (CHUCKLING)
Kevin! Kevin! Somebody's dog-napping
influencer dogs at Puppy-Cons.
You need to take us so we can protect you.
(CHUCKLING) I see.
So right when you want to come along,
suddenly there's a person
stealing dogs at Puppy-Con.
I'm not making it up.
Look, I know we haven't had
a lot of quality time together lately,
but I promise, after Puppy-Con,
we'll get some hang-time.
We'll be okay, Lil' G.
- Lil' G?
- I'm still processing K-man.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
It's Kathy with a K. I've waited
my whole life to meet you guys,
even though I didn't know
who you were until last week.
Cool. Would you like
a pawtograph too, Kathy with a K?
- More than life itself.
-(GRUNTING)
Hey! I'm a big fan of you and your dog.
My dog isn't dumb like yours,
but he sure is small. (CHUCKLES)
I can see that.
Does he have any special skills?
No. Pretty much just small.
(TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. And the Irish dancing.
Wow! That's totally insane.
Where are you guys going?
We're giving free selfies
with every pawtograph.
Hey! That's my dumb dog.
- It's the Dog Napper!
- KEVIN: Security!
You'll never catch the Dog Napper.
CHORUS: The Dog Napper!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
-(ENGINE REVVING)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(WHIMPERS)
I can't believe how stupid I am.
My sister warned me,
and I didn't believe her.
I'm such a jerk.
I've been so wrapped up in myself.
All she wanted was to come to Puppy-Con.
- I didn't invite her.
- She just wanted to be around you.
I bet she even knows
she's been really annoying lately,
and was being resentful
of your time to shine.
Wow. That is shockingly insightful
for just having...
- I love you, Kevin.
- What?
- It's me! I was wearing this mask.
- Oh, Lil' G!
I'm so sorry for not bringing you along.
Where's Hamster?
Hamster. Hey, well, that makes sense.
(SCREAMS)
Let's go get our dog back.
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
- Pull over the vehicle, ma'am.
- What the... You can't stop me!
-(WHOOSHING)
-(CRASHING)
Wait. Why am I stopping?
Your fan belt needs replacing.
And I guess your whole engine now.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Great work, Hamster.
Okay, lady, we've got you now.
(CHUCKLING) Well, good thing I'm a...
Whoo-hoo! Master of the martial arts!
-(BOTH GRUNT)
-(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)
(GRUNTING)
-(EXCLAIMS)
-(CRASHES)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
The willow survives
by bending with the wind.
What does that even mean?
-(THUDDING)
-(SIREN BLARING)
Why were you stealing dogs?
I used to own a Labradoodle
named Mutt Damon.
He went viral,
but he was a one-hit wonder.
- Cute fades, but dumb is forever.
-(WARBLES)
I started stealing charismatic dogs
to cash in on their fame.
Every like gave me a little jolt
of happiness, and I felt like a star.
Wow. Now I've had a glimpse
of what I might have become.
Of course, I was also
planning on selling them
to a Russian circus
when they stopped making me money. So...
- Okay, not now. That got dark real quick.
-(DOOR OPENS)
What? I'm a cat person. (CHUCKLING)
(SIREN WAILING)
On that note, wanna guess what day it is?
BOTH: It's "Take Gretel
to Mr. Brain Freeze
"for bubblegum tapioca ice cream
"barring any crime fighting
that might happen" day!
I am so done with fame.
I lost track of pretty much
everything that matters to me.
- Do I matter to you?
- Only the most.
(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(PANTING)
-(SLURPING)
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
Maybe this one's just for us.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)