Hailey's on It! (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Flippin' Out/Smells Like Queen Spirit - full transcript

[heart monitors beeping]

- Quick, he's flatlining.
- Just hold it still.

And stop getting
Dingle dust everywhere.

Can't we just knock
this bot out?

No! It will disintegrate,
you buffoon.

Hailey,
look for a tiny black box.

That's the communications module.

I'm on it.

Wait, no! Don't touch that!

[both coughing]

Got it!



I couldn't hold that thing
much longer.

[scoffs] Do you even lift, bro?

[crackling]

- [both gasp]
- It's trying to talk to us!

What are you saying, little guy?

You don't speak Bot.

Leave this to a professional
to translate.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay, it says "Mega Chaos Bot,"

then something "disguised,"

then something something,
"infiltrate Hailey's school."

Then... something.

- What are all the "somethings"?
- I don't know.

I just did the free online trial
of the Bot language course,

so I only speak
conversational Bot.



They wanted ten bucks a month
to keep going. In this economy?

Then how are we supposed to
figure out what all this means?

- A bot in our school?
- It probably has to do

with this week's list item:

"Win the Oceanside High
Crab Queen crown."

Hold up, pop it in reverse,
back it up.

Now look behind you
and check your mirrors.

Thanks. Hailey, you wrote
that you wanted

to be Crab Queen on your list?

It was during my princess phase.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Can you imagine me
as a princess?

- [laughs]
- Hey!

You wanted to be a werewolf.

At least mine's real.

Wait, werewolves aren't real?

No, Scott, they are.

They're just really good
at hiding.

Someone please disintegrate me.

But if I do become Crab Queen,

I'll have to wear a stinky crown
made of crab

and toss hot crabs
to everyone in school.

Everyone will boo me.

Why would they boo you?

I don't know,
everyone boos me in my head.

Now I have to look
for a disguised Chaos Bot, too?

Don't worry, Hales,
I'll help you find that bot.

I have very keen
observation skills.

I'm onto you, bot.

Move. I need to use that.

Be careful it's a...

[whirring]

...pencil sharpener.

Good. And this is a desk.

Now scram, Daddy's got
a fresh box of number 2s

and he's gonna be a while.

Sharpener's off
the suspect list.

What about Miss Jackson's
desk lamp?

It's eyeballing me, right?

Quiet, everyone.

[indistinct chatter continuous]

Silence!

Ahem, today is the day
we have all been waiting for.

- Groundhog Day?
- Pizza day?

- Pop quiz?
- Groundhog Day?

Stop guessing!

Today is the day
anyone may sign up for...

the Crab Queen Pageant!

[all groan]

[squawking]

Stay out of this, seagulls!

You'll never get this crown!

Now, where was I, class?

Oh, yes, I was once
the beloved Crab Queen.

[all] We know.

It was, and remains...

[all] The greatest moment...

- Of my life.
- ...of your life.

So, who wants to throw
their claw into the butter?

Who wants to enter the pageant?

I mean, if no one volunteers,

I guess I'll just have to wear
the crown for another--

Hailey! Be cool, Veronica.

You knew this day would come.

Do not cry in front
of the children.

Well, I guess if no one else
ends up running,

- Hailey will be the new--
- [pounding on door]

Children, save yourselves!

My name is Joanne Droid.

I am new student from Canada.

I am here
for the Crab Queen crown.

My data tells me
to come to these coordinates

and enter the pageant.

Ahem. Okay.

Wonderful, an actual
competition this year,

which I'll get to host.

Joanne, you'll be running
against Hailey Banks.

[gasps]

Prepare to be destroyed,
Hailey Banks.

I think I'm in love.

So I have a crazy theory,
but go with me on this.

Joanne might be the Chaos Bot.

Yeah, Scott,
pretty sure her weird behaviors

aren't Canadian eccentricities.

I mean,
her name is Joanne Droid.

A little on the nose,
don't you think?

I didn't see anything
on her nose.

[gasps]

Is this seat taken, milady?

I see you like to work out.

Me too, but I guess
that's obvious.

Hey, Joanne.

I just wanted to wish you luck
before the pageant.

I am not here to make friends.

I am here to destroy you,
Hailey Banks.

Water danger. Water danger.

[droning]

[objects crashing]

Wow, that's... normal.

What a woman.

[droning]

Okay, partner,
if we see anything suspicious,

I'll inform Hailey.

I am not your partner.

I am doing important work
over here.

Were you able to translate any
more of the Chaos Bot's message?

I'll have you know
this is a highly technical

code-cracking process
with specialized dialects and--

- So, nothing?
- No, nothing.

[feedback squeals]

Our school mascot Clawdia and I
are thrilled to welcome you

to the annual
Crab Queen Pageant.

What a great turnout.

I'm sure it has nothing to do
with missing fourth period.

[Paul] It has everything to do
with missing fourth period!

We hate fourth period!

Ha-ha, okay.

For the first time
since I won the title,

we have two contestants
vying for Crab Queen.

So, the first time this century?

[all laugh]

They are just children, Veronica.

They do not
determine your worth.

Time to begin the competition.

First up: crab cracking.

Who can remove the largest piece
of crab meat from the shell?

Isn't she full of surprises?

[Miss Jackson]
How many crabs can you name?

Well, there's Claw-dia,
and, um...

Mrs. Crab?

According to my search,

there are more than 6,000
species of crab, and they are:

bairdi crab, blue crab,
coconut crab,

Dungeness Crab, hermit crab...

- horseshoe crab...
- [snoring]

...zebra crab and zosimus crab.

[snorts] Okay!

Now it's time for the crab walk.

Let's see your scuttling skills, ladies.

[gasps]

I am triple-jointed.

Now my favorite part.

If you were a crab,
which kind would you be?

For me, it was always
the beautiful yet fragile

blue porcelain crab.

Um, I guess a hermit crab?

[boy coughs]

I am the mighty coconut crab.

I eat hermit crabs as a snack.

I crush everything in my path.

Vote for me or feel the pain
of my claws.

[all cheer]

[groans]

Now we've come
to the final portion

of the competition: talent.

- [all cheer]
- [gasps]

Soon I will have
your crab crown.

[all, chanting]
Joanne! Joanne!

Got to admit, it's gonna be hard
not to vote for Joanne.

[groans]

But I mean, your Hula-Hoop
routine's super cool, too.

Well, I know we still have
one more performance,

but if you've already made up
your mind like I have,

go ahead and text in your vote.

Time glitch! This is bad.

Oh, I must be running
out of time.

We need to stop that bot,

even if it means
exposing my secret.

[screams]

- Huh?
- Girls!

Joanne is not
what you think she is.

And I'll prove it.

[grunting]

What are you doing,
Hailey Banks?

Man, your disguise
is really on there!

- [signal chirping]
- I got it. I got it.

Hailey, I finally paid

for the overpriced
monthly subscription.

Not a good time, Beta.

Joanne is not the bot.

She's just an eccentric Canadian.

What?

But if she's not the bot,
who is?

- [Chaos Bot] Chaos!
- [gasps]

Chaos!

Oh, no.

[screaming]

- [all scream]
- Where can I get one of those?

Scott, we need to draw
its attention.

Do something.

[Scott]
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Chaos Crab!

Come get me!

Dang, you're good.

Thanks. It's all in the hips.

It worked.
Oh no, it worked!

Chaos!

Throw me the hoop!

Ha!

[Chaos Bot] Chaos!

[gasps]

Chaos!

[screams]

Over here, you big bag of bolts!

[electricity crackles]

[all gasp]

Chaos.

[screams]

Huh?

[yells]

Chaos...

[all cheer]

Joanne, you helped me.

I thought you wanted
to destroy me.

Hailey saved Joanne.
Joanne saved Hailey.

It is the Canadian way.

Helping Hailey? Gross!

I can't believe
we used to have a thing.

Hailey, when you said
"Hula-Hoop routine,"

I was not expecting that.

And those special effects?

- Amazing!
- Um, yeah.

That's totally
what just happened.

[all, chanting]
Hailey! Hailey! Hailey!

Attention! The votes are in.

The new Crab Queen
is Hailey Banks!

[crowd cheers]

[laughs]

Hey, Joanne, how about we both
be Crab Queen?

Ah!

♪ She's charming, she's fab ♪

♪ She's the essence of crab ♪

♪ Her aura
A stench of sardine ♪

♪ To standing ovations ♪

♪ She tosses crustaceans ♪

♪ She's our Crab Queen ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it
Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Turning that into chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action
Making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what
Tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts
To do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise I'm on it
I'm on it ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey
Hailey's on it ♪

♪ Hey, hey, Hailey's on it ♪