Hailey's on It! (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Hailey's on It! - full transcript

NARRATOR: Chaos Bots
have been sent from the future

to stop the one person who can
save the world.

Me?

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY: ♪ Teach a cat
To play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate
All the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my earwax
To make a candle ♪

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY:
♪ Win first place ♪



♪ For world's cutest pet rock ♪

♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

- Kiss my friend Scott?
- Huh?

- (Scott screams)
- (garbage can clatters)

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY: All right, Beta.
Lay it on me.

Whatever mortifying list item

I'm supposed to do next,

Let's just get it over with.

Well, according my calculations,

your next most optimal list item
is number 411.

Oh, heck, yeah. Whoa!



- Scott, it's time.
- (Scott, on phone) Whoo-hoo!

Oh, heck, yeah.

(yelps)

(sighs)
Let's do this.

What's happening here?

- Ah!
- (grunts)

Jackpot.

SCOTT:
We're rich.

There must be over
60 bucks on these.

Oh, I've been waiting
for this one.

Grandma Banks has given me
random gift cards

for every birthday,
Christmas and graduation

since I was five.

And now list item number 411
says we got to spend them all.

Which means...

(both) Shopping spree!

♪ I'm calling up my girls ♪

(beeps)

♪ We're gonna spend it all ♪

Put it on the card.

You have $20 left.

I know.
We'll take this $20 gift card.

You have $20 left.

I know.
We'll take this $20 gift card.

You have $20 left.

Hmm. We'll take
this $20 gift card.

(sighs)

Um, I'm not sure I have enough

for the full majestic unicorn,

so you can stop
when you get to $6.13.

It's gonna go over.

No, it won't. I got this.

(both cheer)

♪ Shop till we drop ♪

- (tires squeal)
- (bicycle bells ding)

Buy yourself
something small.

(grumbles)

SCOTT:
Whoa!

(both groan)

All right, I'm buying you
one gazelle and...

And, oh! One king lion.

(lion roars onscreen)

Well, you still have the lion.

And the last gift card is spent.

- (wristband chiming)
- Ugh, seriously?

What did we miss?

Oh, maybe it's this
library card.

We just need to buy a library.

It's not the library card,
you buffoon.

It's this.

HAILEY:
Butter Burger?

I remember that place.

♪ Why have a better burger ♪

♪ When you can have
A Butter Burger? ♪

(imitates guitar solo)

Wait, wasn't that the place that
closed down because of rats?

Or a fire? Or a rat fire?

Yup. My mom said
the real mistake

was hiring the rats
to run the charbroiler.

How are we supposed
to spend five bucks

at a place
that doesn't exist anymore?

Well, according my research,

one Butter Burger location
still exists

in Flagstaff, Arizona.

Which means I'm staying here

and playing "Zoo Party."

And since this gift card
expires tomorrow,

guess we're going
on a road trip.

Uh-oh, tomorrow? Ah, shoot.

I told Kristine we would hang
out for our 45-day anniversary.

That is the rust anniversary.

I'm not your friend.

You can't come?

I have to go to Flagstaff
by myself?

No, no. Helping you
save the world takes priority.

I'll talk to Kristine
and take care of it.

(air brakes hiss)

SCOTT:
Good news, Hailey.

I took care of it...

by inviting Kristine.

(squeals)
Hey-hey!

This is so exciting.

Technically, 84 days
is the bus anniversary,

so Scott and I are jumping ahead
a little bit.

SCOTT: I didn't know what to do
about our anniversary,

but then I thought, hey,
this trip is perfect.

A hot bus ride
through the desert,

a fast-food restaurant,
our awesome bus driver.

Sit down and shut
your mouth hole!

Ha! This guy...

Hey, K-squad.

Today, I'm wearing a cotton,
peaked newsboy hat

for my very first bus ride
with my BF, Scott.

Let's see if we can make
the ordinary extraordinary.

This is gonna
be so much fun!

So much fun.

Ooh, so much fun.

No fun on my bus!

(screams)

(Scott & Hailey)
♪ Down by the bay ♪

♪ Where the pomegranates grow ♪

♪ Back to my home ♪

♪ I dare not go ♪

♪ For if I do ♪

♪ My mother will say ♪

♪ Did you ever see a bear
Shaving his hair? ♪

♪ Did you ever see a deer
Picking his ear? ♪

Did you ever see water...

from the... ocean?

♪ Down by the bay, hey! ♪

Ha! There's one.
Punch buggy.

Punch buggy!

- Punch buggy!
- Punch buggy!

Ow!

This is fun.

(all chomping)

(bubble pops)

(both giggling)

Welcome to Flagstaff.
Now get out!

HAILEY:
Geez, that bus driver's a crank.

SCOTT:
No, that's the city motto.

We came all the way out here
for this?

(hawk screams distantly)

At least the food
must be good.

- Oh, it's really not.
- It's cooked by rats.

(gasps)
What?

SCOTT:
Whoa, check out that sign.

"Health Inspection Grade: F"?

No, that other sign.

"World's deepest ball pit."

Last one in sits by the bathroom
on the way home.

Oh, heck, no!

Wait! I don't want
to do that!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Whee!
- Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I don't know about this.

I don't think
they clean this very...

- ever.
- Come on, Kristine.

You don't want to miss
your chance

to swim in the world's
deepest ball pit.

Yeah. Odds are good this place

is gonna be condemned
any day now.

Well, I guess I could try.

- Here, I'll help.
- (screams)

(gasps)

My hat! I lost my hat!

I need my hat!

It's okay, it's okay.

Yeah. We'll find it.

(cat mewling)

Shoot, it must have sunk
way down.

Who knew there was a downside
to the world's deepest ball pit?

I am not leaving
without my hat.

(gasps)

(truck horn blares)

(creature snarling)

(video game chiming)

How long until
we should be worried?

(gasps)

I found my hat!

Um, yeah. That's a diaper.

(growls and screams)

That is it!

I don't know why you had
to bring us on this awful trip

to buy the world's
grossest hamburger, Hailey.

Or why Scott would think
that this would be any fun.

But this is the worst
anniversary ever.

- Do you think she's mad?
- Oh, yeah.

This whole thing is my fault.
I'll talk to her.

Thanks, Hailey. I'll stay here
and look for Kristine's hat.

It might look like I'm just
playing around in the ball pit,

but it's really
to look for the hat.

Whee! Not over here!

Whee!

Not over here! Whee!

Hey, Kristine.
Oh, you found your hat.

No. This is my lousy backup hat.

Okay.

Well, I just wanted to give you
this double butter burger

and butter shake as my way
of saying I'm sorry.

It's kind of hard to explain
why it was so important

for me to come here,

but I shouldn't have made
Scott come.

Not on your anniversary.

I'm sure you had
some really fun plans.

Not really.

His original plan was to take me
to the batting cages

to watch his "sick cuts,"

so a bus ride to the country
with you

actually sounded super fun.

And super cottage core.

But it wasn't.

This is, like, all butter.

I really shouldn't have
pulled you into the ball pit.

Or played so many rounds
of punch buggy.

Or slap train.

Those are horrible games.

(slurps)

Ugh! This is all butter too!

Truth is,
I'm just a little worried

now that you're dating Scott,

I might be losing
my best friend.

What?

Hailey, I know
I've only been dating Scott

for 45 days, 21 hours,
and 37 minutes,

but I can tell you right now,
he adores you.

- Really?
- Yes.

There's no way you guys
won't be best friends forever.

Like brother and sister.

Right.

You're blocking the slide.

Honestly, I should be the one apologizing.

The real reason I came
on this trip

is because I'm jealous of you.

Of me? But you're the most
popular girl in school.

You have thousands of followers,

whereas my dentist
unfollowed me

because she says
I depress her timeline.

Oh, I'm not jealous
of any of that.

I have very healthy sense
of self-worth.

But I am jealous of the
connection you have with Scott.

You guys have
so much fun together.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, we do.

But there's no reason
the three of us

shouldn't have fun together too.

- Friends?
- (squeals)

Are you grandmas
ever gonna move?

Grandmas?

We're, like, 14. Whatever.

(both scream)

Okay, I found all these hats
in the ball pit.

- Your hat was red, right?
- (both) It was blue.

Oh, right. Okay. Whee!

Whee! Whee!

Okay, bestie,
I think it's time

to try and salvage
my month-and-a-halfiversary.

But first, I need your opinion
about something.

I couldn't think of anything
good to give Scott,

but then I remembered
he liked sports,

so I got him this.

I mean this in the most
supportive way possible:

burn that hat.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Good thing I also got him
"Video Games."

Ugh. Here. I was saving this

so I could give it to Scott
for his birthday,

but I want you to take it.

Wow! A baseball card.

Thanks.

I mean, I don't really follow
baseball, but--

I mean take it to give to Scott.

Oh! That makes more sense.

It's a rare misprint
of Mike Trout

splitting open his pants
mid-swing.

- Scott'll love it.
- (giggles)

Thanks, Hailey.

I see why Scott thinks
you're so great.

Hey, Scott! Let's do presents!

(cat mewls)

(laughs)
Cool!

Best present ever!

Oh, and I got you
a present too.

First-class tickets
for the train back home.

(squeals)

We don't have
to take the bus back?

Oh, can you get a ticket
for Hailey too?

- Sure.
- (squeals)

And I promise we can play
whatever games you like

on the way home.

OMG, you are gonna love
Celebrity Hat Match.

You just match the hats

with the celebrities
who wore them.

(squeals)

Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga and Abraham Lincoln.

Hey, Hails,

thanks for fixing things
with Kristine.

And for giving her this card.

Uh...

(laughs)

Oh, I can't believe
he split his pants!

So cool.

(giggles)

(sign buzzing)