Hailey's on It! (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Last Sand/The Show Must Go Wrong - full transcript

NARRATOR: Chaos Bots
have been sent from the future

to stop the one person
who can save the world.

Me?

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY: ♪ Teach a cat
To play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate
All the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my earwax
To make a candle ♪

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY:
♪ Win first place
For world's cutest pet rock ♪



♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

- Kiss my friend Scott?
- Huh?

- (Scott screams)
- (garbage can clatters)

SINGERS:
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

NARRATOR:
Legend shall speak of this day,

when a hero will be not born,
but made.

Let's do this.

(car alarm chirps)

Welcome, all, to Oceanside's

annual sandcastle-building
contest.

Brought to ye by the
Oceanside Shakespeare Company.

And also by Gravy Cakes.



♪ Sorry, but I'm the best
Cakes in town ♪

♪ Gravy Cakes ♪

DAD:
Hey, hey, the Banks are here!

Oh, Peter.
Hair's looking good.

News reporter good.

Hi, Mrs. Dawson.

You'd better get
that award-winning lemonade

away from me if you want
to keep any.

Good morrow, Gregory.

HAILEY: My dad and I
are kind of a big deal

at the sandcastle-building
contest.

We've been doing it for years.

It's kind of become
our tradition.

My dad has this cherished
triple-packing technique

which takes forever,
so we never really
make a big castle. Or win.

Or place at all.

But we do always
have a good time,

and get those sweet
participation ribbons.

- (Scott whimpering)
- Hey, Scott.

(Scott yelling)

Thanks for watching
Dwayne and Johnson

- so my dad and I can do this.
- Oh, it's easy.

When they get bummed,
I just give them cookies.

- (babies cooing)
- Ah!

(lips smacking and chewing)

Nice to finally
have a relaxing day at the bea--

Holy kettle corn!

Beta! Why are you here?

You hate the sun. And people.
And birds. And sand.

All true, but I'm here
because you need

to win the contest this year.

List item number 167.

I didn't tell you earlier,

because I know
how you are, Hailey.
You'd freak out.

I do not freak out!

I just express my concerns
loudly and quickly,

because they're buzzing around
in my head

like a punted beehive,
and now this little contest

suddenly took on
world-altering stakes,
and, yes,

I'm totally
freaking out right now!

Hey, you got this, Hailey.

(sighs) You know what?

Dad and I can totally win.

I mean, nobody here takes
this contest seriously anyways.

Hello, Hailey Banks.

HAILEY:
This is A.C., and yeah,

that's how he always looks.

Way back at Taylor Dyer's
sixth birthday party,

I apparently beat him
at Duck, Duck, Goose,

and he's claimed to be
my bitter rival ever since.

I tried ignoring him.

I tried explaining
that both people have to care

for it to be an actual rivalry.

But he's always just... there.

Hope you brought aloe vera,
Hailey Banks,

because you're about
to get burned.

Why are you here, A.C.?

A.C.: As you know,

I have been keeping track

of every competition
we've ever had.

Oh, jeez, not the paper.

On this paper.

And you are currently
one up.

Well, I am here
to settle the score,

and nothing will stop me--

- (wind gusts)
- Oh, what the beans.

(grunting)

The folds get going
the wrong way,

and then once you start,
it's just messed up...

(bugle calling)

(laughs)
Oh, we're having fun, aren't we?

Okay, we're going to read
the rules, folks.

Teams are allowed
to bring three plastic shovels,

two pails, and one personal bag
into the area of their choosing.

All builders must stay
in their roped-off area

using only things within it
to build their castle.

Exciting stuff.

Don't do that.

Architects!

Nye is the time of...

- (air horn blows)
- Look how loud this is!

This is so loud, right?

Can you believe
how loud this is?

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Whoa!

(panting)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

Hey! Good pick, Hail.

Water access,
shade from the bluffs.

Sand's a bit loose,

but nothing our triple-packing
technique can't fix.

Rookie move, picking the
least level area, A.C.

You're already off
to a bumpy start.

Oh, no. Whatever will I...

Wait, what's this that just
happens to be buried here?

Gee, I just hope I can guess
the password

on this here control tablet.

Hey, it's my birthday.

(chuckles)

That is such
a lucky break.

(sighs)

We're just going
to have to step up our game.

- Hey, Dad?
- And... done.

First brick. Whoo!

I got to pace myself.

Who's a bee brick?

You know, Dad,
I was thinking,

maybe we could try for a little
bigger castle this year.

I mean, what if we just did
double packing?

(laughs)

And make a sandcastle

that will only last the week?

Um, isn't this
a one-day contest?

Hailey...

(speaking Hawaiian)

...any job worth doing
is worth doing right.

Yeah! Um, Dad, you know what?

I'm just gonna work
over here for a bit.

Scott, give me some raisins.

Wait, what is this?

This beach is crawling
with crabs,

who build around their food
sources to protect them.

GREGORY:
Hark! A Western power

casts its shadow
upon the Eastern giant.

ANNOUNCER:
I like those little robots.

(slurping)

Hmm.

Is that a sardine?

(squawking)

Ah! Beta!

You're mine.

(grunting)

Oh. All under control.

Thanks, Beta. Good luck.

How dare she thwart
my brilliant sabotage.

This means war.

Gee, who knew the beach

would be so warm?

I'd sure be a fan of something
that could cool me down.

Pun intended
and well-executed.

Wow! The Breeze Blaster 4000?

The world's most powerful
battery-operated fan,

which just so happens to be
available at my parents' store,

Fans Plus.

What a coincidence.

Yeah, that's a huge coincidence.

I'm starting to think

A.C. buried some of that stuff
beforehand to cheat.

Oh, yeah.

- (cackling)
- (whirring)

GREGORY:
The Black Plague.

The Sacking of Rome.

Shampoo in thine eyes.

Tragedies, all,

but small compared to this.

(wind gusting)

What the beans? Is that seaw--?

(clears throat)
Yeah, it's seaweed.

Fire!

- (music playing over earbuds)
- (scatting)

All droids to the front lines!
All droids to the front lines!

Hailey, Hailey!

You should know, A.C.'s droids
are overpowering the crabs

- on the battlefield.
- Yes, Scott.

I can see.
It's literally three feet away.

It's time.

Release the twins.

Heaven help us all.

(footsteps crash)

(giggling)

(laughing)

GREGORY: The crabkins monster
doth heave and smash,

but unseen to all news,
the sugar crash.

What? Greg, have you been
speaking rhyme this entire time?

(gasps)

Have I?

(whines)

(both snoring)

Time to finish this.

The crabs are gone.

The catapults are dismantled.

The twins are passed out.

And, honestly,
I don't want to wake them up.

(both scream)

- (music playing over earbuds)
- (scatting)

(bird screeches)

(Beta) Aquabi--

(stammers)

Agrami...

Just do the thing
we talked about.

(beeping)

(squawking)

(crying)

(sobbing)

Take that, you junk...

(grunts)

Whoa.

Contest got kind of crazy
this year, huh?

What have I done?

Now we're never going to win.

And everyone else's castles
are destroyed too.

Not everybody's.

But the wind. The water.

The small-scale war.

Are no match for
the triple-packing technique.

Remember, Hailey,
any job worth doing...

Is worth doing right.

Whoa! Déjà vu.

Except your dad said it earlier,
and we were over there,

and it didn't really seem
to sink in with you then,

but now you've learned
the importance of--

- I get it, Scott.
- What ho?

This last bastion shan't
be other than victor's home.

I think you win by default.

(applause)

(beeping)

(grunting)

What the beans?

Oh, yeah!

Even better than
a participation ribbon.

And don't forget your sweet
$25 Gravy Cakes gift card.

Who wants wet cake?

ALL:
We do!

This is disgusting.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Too wet.

(powering down)

We did it, old friend.

We did it.

- (squawks)
- (screams)

Come on.
Bug off, you dumb goose.

(stammers)

I didn't mean that. Ah!

(beat music playing)