Hailey's on It! (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Hailey's on It! - full transcript

NARRATOR: Chaos Bots
have been sent from the future

to stop the one person
who can save the world.

Me?

SINGERS: ♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY: ♪ Teach a cat to play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate all the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my earwax to make a candle ♪

SINGERS: ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

HAILEY: ♪ Win first place
For world's cutest pet rock ♪



♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

-Kiss my friend Scott?
-Huh?

-(Scott screams)
-(garbage can clatters)

SINGERS: ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hailey's on it ♪

(Hailey snoring)

HAILEY: Here I am,
getting my beauty sleep.

(snores)

Right.

Here I am, moments before

the most exciting day of the entire year.

Scott... Hm.

Your pants are on backwards.



What?
Kiss me.

Nope! Uh-uh! Hailey, wake up!

(hacks)

(sighs) Today's the day.

Today's the day!

BOTH: It's the 45th Annual
North Oceanside Fish Taco Festival,

sponsored by the Bank of Temecula!

Aw, man. My pants are on backwards.

Morning, weaklings.

Beta, were you working out?

Yup. Got to be as strong in body
as I am in mind.

So I've been getting yoked!

I can see. Wow.

So yoked.

But he's a stuffed bear. He can't--

Looking strapped and jacked, my man.

Yoked up, dawg. Ripped to shreds.

Okay, don't overdo it.

I heard excitement. What's going on?

(gasps) Is Scott moving away?

(party favors blowing)

Cool streamers.

But I'm not moving.

Although now I kinda wish I was.

(sighs) A bear can dream.

The reason we're excited, Beta,
is because according to our calculations,

the next most optimal list item
is number 178,

"Win first prize at
the Oceanside Fish Taco Festival."

Hey, that's my line.

But you are right,
and I do love your enthusiasm,

-so let's get--
-Started!

(upbeat music)

What is going on here?

We give you the perfect taco.

We solved the equation
that the world's brightest minds

have been working on
for thousands of years,

the perfect ratio of taco to fish.

Hailey used science, and I used my butts.

My taste butts.

It's taste buds, you Neanderthal.

We have science, my dad's sour poi,

and Scott's mom's famous kimchi
on our side.

It's time to get cooking.

(upbeat music continues)

Our most secret ingredient,
sweet onion Dingles.

BOTH: Aah!

It's the perfect taco.

-Almost too good to eat.
-Almost.

BOTH: Mm, mm, mm!

This is the best fish taco
with no fish I've ever had.

Oh, right.

We need to figure out what fish to use.

Beta, what have we got?

All you have
is Mama Ishie's Fishy Stickies.

Fish sticks? This isn't the rinky-dink
San Clemente Fish Taco Festival, Beta.

People drive tens of miles
to enter this competition.

Hey. What are you kids doing up
so early on a Saturday?

Aww, who crumbled my Dingles?

It was for science.

Dad, do you know
what the tastiest fish is?

Do I? Does a turtle poop in its shell?

BOTH: Uh...

No, it doesn't. But yes, of course I know.

The secret is, the meaner the fish,

the tastier the fish.

Really? Then, what's the meanest fish?

Whoa. How'd he get over there so fast?

Let me tell you the tale
of the meanest, the biggest,

and therefore the tastiest fish
in all of Oceanside Bay,

One-Eyed Jack.

Uh, Dad, can you just tell us?

Guess not.

KAI: I was on my paddleboard.

One with the sea, poised and strong.

(screams)

Once I was out past the breaks,

I stopped for some sweet onion Dingles,

and as I filled my belly,

an angry force knocked me off my board.

I tried to swim to the surface,

but the riptide was pulling me deeper.

That's when I saw the one-eyed monster
coming straight for me,

his mouth wide open!

(gasps)

Next thing I knew, I woke up on the beach

next to my broken board.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

I looked in that Ono's eye.

I saw his soul.

And it was mean.

Whoa. He sounds delicious.

(plays)

If you want to win the festival,

we need that one-eyed Ono.

Just get me in the ocean. I'll catch him.

Dad, any idea where we can get a boat?

Does a crab poop in its shell?

No. But I do know of a boat.

Let me tell you the tale
of your Uncle Chunk.

No, thanks. We know where he lives.

Bye!

CHUNK: Okay, sea voyagers,

this is the spot your dad said
he saw the fish.

(stomach rumbles)

-You okay, Uncle Chunk?
-Not at all.

I bought this houseboat as an investment.

You know what that is?

-No.
-We're 14.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I thought it would even help me
get over my hatred of the water.

It... (retches)

...has not.

I think it's cool.

Do you guys want to buy my boat?

-No.
-We're 14.

Ugh! Fine! Well, listen up.

I only have one rule,

and it's to follow these three rules.

Don't rock the boat,

don't get my boat wet, and no crying.

That last rule is mostly for me.

I hate this boat!

Let's get this One-Eyed Jack.

(rock music)

(distant hawk screams)

BETA: What? Why are you sitting?

-Get that fish!
-We are.

-This is fishing.
-Well, fish harder!

Come here, fishy fishy fish!

Beta, stop. You're gonna scare
the Ono away.

Yeah, the quieter, the better, Beta.

Back at you. Ha!

That's right, I'm yoked!

(Beta grunting)

Beta! Beta! Beta!

-(breathing heavily)
-Dingle me.

The one-eyed Ono.
He must want the Dingles.

Scott, put some on the line.

(both scream)

(Hailey yelling)

-(grunting)
-Whoo-whee!

We got you, Ono!

Uncle Chunk is not gonna like this.

CHUNK: I do not like this. (retches)

(grunts) I can't hold it.
I need to let go.

No! Reel that fat daddy into papa!

He's too strong!

Ugh! I'm cutting bait!

Out of my way. Yoked bear coming through!

Hyah!

-Whoa!
-Beta! No!

(somber music)

(chomps)

I should have stopped him.

Ugh. I should have
challenged him to a flex-off.

Which would've distracted him
from harpooning.

(sobs) He hated you so much.

(sniffles)

Oh, I miss him!

-Fin!
-That's beautiful, Scott. Fin.

(sobbing)

Finito, my digital friend.

No, Hailey, fin! Like, the Blue Ono's fin!

(gasps)

Oh, no, the Ono,
it's coming to finish us off.

Brace for impact!

(both screaming)

(hacks)

HAILEY: Beta?

The Ono didn't eat him. He saved him.

He's not a tasty, mean fish.
He's a yucky, nice fish.

-(barking)
-But also, he probably saved my dad

that day on his paddleboard.

He's a hero! How can we thank you?

(barks)

Wait! That's the last--

Never mind. It's cool, it's cool.

(barking)

Pull through, Beta.

(buzzing)

(gasps) Hailey?

(panting) Hailey!

You're alive!

Scott? You're still here?

I'm right here,
and I'm never leaving you, buddy.

Throw me back in the water!

What is going on?

You got my boat all wet!

I'm never going to be able
to sell a wet boat.

BOTH: Sorry, Uncle Chunk.

Well, I'm taking you back to shore,
and you can't stop me.

BOTH: Okay.

My calculations are back online,

and it looks like the fish taco festival
is starting.

But we still don't have any fish.
What are we gonna do?

(ticking, dings)

Here goes nothing.

(sniffs)

Mm. Mm!

Mm! This taco is so good!

And your choice of fish didn't distract

from the delicious kimchi and poi.

And what is this savory crunch on top?

Uh, family secret.

Yup. Let's just say we got a little help
from some sweet onion Dingles.

(chuckles)

I said the whole thing, didn't I?

We have a winner!

Whoo! (chuckles)

But that was the first taco you tried.

I drove over ten miles to get here.

Well, their taco is delicious,

and I have hot yoga in ten minutes,

so tough bananas.

(all grumbling)

Yeah! First place, suckers!

What has four thumbs and makes
the best fish taco in Oceanside?

-We's guys.
-We's guys.

-(watch chiming)
-Hey, where's Beta?

BETA: Oh, yeah!

Giddyup, fat daddy!

Yee-hoo!

Yoked bear coming through!

-(horse hooves galloping)
-(hawk screams)

RUSTY: In a town
where only the strong survive,

and vicious outlaws have a showdown

every day at high noon,

are you tough enough
to be sheriff for the day?

Well, then come on down to Cowpoke Corral,

where you can try your hand
at apple bobbing,

spittoon spitting, and barrel rolling.

Not to mention
all the sarsaparilla you can drink

from our commemorative glass boots.

(reading)

ALL: Yeehaw!

(wind whistling)

Whoa. What happened to this place?

It's a ghost town.

Ghosts? You said we were going
to some corny Western town.

You didn't say anything about ghosts.

You know ghosts are drawn to me!

I mean the place is run-down, Scott.

But since I put "become sheriff
for the day" on my list when I was nine,

we might as well have a rootin',
tootin' good time doing it.

Come on, partner.

-Yee-haw!
-SCOTT: Yee-haw, I guess.

(lively music)

(gasps) There's the old horse corral.
And the old water trough.

(gasps) And the old Rusty Nickels!

Ah! He is definitely a ghost!

Listen here, sidewinders.

We got some rules in the Cowpoke Corral.

No bikes, no foul language,
and no horseplay.

Unless you're a horse, of course.

And absolutely no phones.

You can put those wireless
telegraph doohickeys

in this here bucket
and collect them at day's end.

Oh. Look at all that fresh dirt.

I bet I could carve out
some sick bike tricks on those.

Uh, yeah, sure. Have fun.

I've got a sheriff's badge to win.

Now, which of you junior buckaroos

think they're ready to be sheriff?

Aren't you a little old for this contest?

Age is just a number, kid.

My number is six. What's yours?

Number one.

(country music)

(whinnies)

(whoops)

(alarm bell ringing)

(giggling)

(Hailey grunts)

(growls)

Yeah!

Dang it, Jungo!

-This is a ranch, not a rodeo!
-(Jungo laughing)

JUNGO: You'll never catch me, Rusty!

(screams)

-(kids panting)
-All right, buckaroos.

Time for your last challenge of the day.

(neighing, huffing)

Uh, who's that?

Bitter Bertha.

The wildest bronco
this side of the Colorado.

No one's ever been able to ride her,

and those who tried
got a ride in an ambulance instead.

And I have to ride her to win?

Are you off your rocker? Of course not!

You're riding Miss Millie.

(sighs)

(brays)

So, did I win?

Yeah. I think you won.

(chiming)

Woo-hoo!

Tighten that hitch, Missy.

Can't give a ride on a wobbly wagon.

Don't squat with your spurs on.
You might spring a leak.

-(children giggling)
-Have fun, young'uns,

but I'll have no cussin',
fussin' or mussin'.

There's a new sheriff in town.

-(panting) Hailey, you got to see--
-Whoa!

Slow down there, little doggie.

Your gums are a-flappin'
before the syrup hits the flapjack.

-Why are you talking like that?
-I think my hat's on too tight.

-What do you want, Scott?
-Oh, I just wanna show you

all the sick bike tricks I did.

I posted the videos,
and I got a ton of shares.

As newly-minted sheriff, I must remind you

that this town has rules
against bikes and phones.

And seeing as you and I
are known associates,

you've put me in a dilly of a pickle.

Don't worry, Hailey.

What's the worst that could happen?

(motorcycle engines revving)

Scott, never ask that question.

(hip-hop music)

(yelping)

I'm sure this has nothing to do
with the videos I posted

about all the sweet fresh dirt.

Name's Road Rash, and we're here
because of the videos you posted

about all the sweet fresh dirt.

Of course you are.

We dabble in mischief,

mayhem and mud flinging,

and this town is perfect for all three.

Don't worry, I'll talk
to these guys, biker to biker.

Hey, man, as a fellow biker,
maybe you all can just head out

and find another town to ruin.

If you're a real biker,
what's your biker name?

My biker name is, um...

"Butter Scott." Get it?

Because I love butter.

What? You think I love road rash?

Your nickname is what you like the least,

because that's the sickest!

-(all chuckling)
-You gotta do the opposite.

Oh. In that case,
call me "No Butter Scott."

(scoffs) Move, poser.

-This is our town now.
-(coughs)

(hip-hop music resumes)

Let's go!

Who will stop these varmints?

I paid for all-day parking!

ROAD RASH: All right!

That's it, I'm out of here!

-Miss Banks.
-Yeah?

As sheriff, ridding the town of these here

two-wheeled weasels
is your responsibility.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Wait, you're serious?

She who wears the badge bears the burden.

What if that six-year-old had won?

(cries)

This is just a plastic badge.

And also, I'm not good with confrontation.

This is my fault.

I never should've made those videos.

Or posted them online.

Or eaten that spicy chili
from the chuck wagon.

We don't have a chuck wagon.

(stomach gurgles)

Point is, I'm going to fix this.

Well, maybe not the chili part.

But I know the biker code,

and the only way these guys will leave

is if we out-extreme them.

Check it. This is gonna be extreme!

(Road Rash laughs)

That was pretty extreme. Extremely lame.

Please help, Sheriff Hailey.

You're right, dusty girl.

I can't let these bullies
take over this town.

I am sheriff after all,
and I know what I have to do.

Gentlemen, this is a law-abiding town,

and as sheriff, for the day,
I must kindly ask you to leave.

(laughing)

Hm. Didn't know that was fake.

Point is, this town
ain't big enough for the...

15 of us?

Twenty?

Regardless, you got to go.

Oh, yeah? Who's going to make us?

Sheriff Hailey Alohilani Banks,
that's who.

And I am challenging you
to an extreme stunt duel.

(all gasp)

As part of the biker code, I must accept.

But have fun trying to beat me
on your puny pedal bike, kid.

Make sure you take off
your training wheels.

(chuckles)

No offense, Carl.

Oh, I'm going to beat you, all right.

On nature's bike. A horse.

(snorts)

You're gonna try to out-extreme me
on a meat-cycle?

Good luck, sheriff.

You'll need it.

Whoa. Hey, girl.

You've got a pretty wild reputation
around here.

But I know deep down,
you're a gentle soul.

So, whatever happened
in your past, just let it go.

(somber music)

(distant whinnying)

I'll always love you, Bertha.

You're the best horse ever.

And nothing could ever replace you.

(engine revs)

Whoa! A dirt bike for my birthday? Cool!

Move, horse!

(dirt bike engines revving)

(hip-hop music)

(snorts)

-(neighs)
-Whoa!

Bertha! Calm down, girl!

(snorts)

Oh, it is on, weird girl.

That's Sheriff Weird Girl to you.

Bertha, I sure hope you know some tricks.

(grunts)

-(whinnies)
-(Hailey grunts)

Whoo!

Whoa!

Superman!

Whoa.

He's too good. We can't beat that.

Looks like I win.

Move, horse.

(chuffs)

-(neighs angrily)
-(Hailey shrieks)

(growls)

Whoa!

I hate road rash!

(all cheering)

You beat me fair and square, sheriff.

Guess we'll have to find
a new place to ride.

Come on, Carl!

(wheels creaking)

(all cheering)

Well, my work here is done.

But this town is still
going to need a sheriff

to keep it safe, so there you go, partner.

Wear her with pride.

Can I have the hat, too?

Nah.

This is coming with me.

I pulled the cord too tight,
and now it's stuck.

-Hailey.
-SCOTT: Ah!

Seriously, stop doing that.

Your sheriff badge was well-earned,

and you're welcome in this town anytime.

Thank you, Mr. Nickels, and I must say...

-(wind whistling)
-(crow cawing)

Yeah, he's definitely a ghost.

RUSTY: Some folks say
a fool fears nothing,

but a hero faces their fear.

Well, if that's true,
then I reckon there's no hero

more legendary
than Hailey Alohilani Banks.

Sheriff for a day,
but hero for a lifetime.

(whip cracks)

(hip-hop music)