Hailey's on It! (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Hailey's on It! - full transcript

(alarm blaring)

They're gaining on us!

(tires screech)

HAILEY: Hi, this is me,
Hailey Banks, and--

Wait, is that a bug in my teeth?

Ugh, let's just keep going.

Don't worry, I've got tiny oranges.

This is my best friend, Scott Denoga.

Ah! The tiny oranges did nothing!

This here is a squid
I've always wanted to rescue.

And these two weirdoes are Sparky and Zoot



from the Hot 95
Morning Radio Party Patrol.

Every week, the let poor
Sid the Psychic Squid

pick the winners
of high school football games

which is why I put liberating him

on my list of stuff I always wanted to do.

(tires squeal)

I'd say we lost them. Ah!

SCOTT: Sign! Cones! Art!

Oh, were you telling me
to avoid those things?

Ramp!

(both scream)

Up until a week ago, I never would have

actually gone through with this.

I'm not really the kind of person
who likes to try new things.



Not happening.

Maybe next year.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

But that all changed
back on New Year's Eve.

ALL: Five, four, three, two, one!

-Happy New Year!
-(music blares)

(blowing horn)

Resolution time.

This year, I'm gonna
stop wasting my afternoons

watching parkour fails online

and start doing my own parkour fails.

Whoa-ba! Woo-hoo!

(grunts) Nailed it.

Well, my resolution is equally exciting.

I'm going to finally enter
one of my handmade birdhouses

into the largest
birdhouse-building competition

on the West Coast: Home Tweet Home.

That's awesome, Hailey.

I really believe you think
you're going to do that.

Although, now that I look at it,
my latticework is still builder grade.

What if I get there and everyone
hates it and they laugh at me?

Then one of the judges throws
my birdhouse into the dumpster,

but there was a bird still in there
because no one checked,

and now I'm a bird murderer.

-You're doing it again.
-What?

That thing where you talk yourself

out of doing something cool.

No, I'm totally going to do it eventually.

In fact, I'm going to write it down
in my big list of things

I'm totally going to do.

Hailey, you've been working on that list
since the first grade.

You haven't crossed off a single item.

Yeah.
Well, this year's gonna be different.

In fact, that's going
to be my New Year's resolution:

to do every single thing on my list.

Now you're talking.

You know, something tells me,
this is going to be the year

we both make our dreams come true.

Parkour!

-(grunts)
-(loud crash)

I'm okay.

(whirring)

Chaos!

(gasps)

-Got him!
-Whoa.

Okay, where did you come from,

and what the heck was that?

Chaos bot. And it was sent here
to stop you,

Hailey Alakh Auli'i Banks,

from completing the most
important document in history.

Hey.
It's my list,

but everything's crossed off.

Where'd you get this?

From the future.

(dramatic keytar music)

You know, I almost didn't bring
this keytar. Glad I did.

If you're really
from the future, prove it.

Fine. In 3.8 seconds,

Ryan Seacrest will get hit
by a pigeon live on TV.

(screams)

Whoa. But that could
have just been a coincidence.

Fine. You don't believe me,
maybe you'll believe you.

HAILEY (over recording):
Hi, Hailey. It's, well, you.

-Hailey. Future you. Hi.
-Whoa! Future me, is that really you?

Sorry, this is a recording,
so we can't actually interact.

-Oh. Got it. Okay.
-Yeah. Sorry about that.

But just to prove this is legit,

I'm going to tell you something
only you would know.

Back in third grade,

you ate all of Scott's Halloween candy,

and blamed it on burglars.

Anyway, I'm sure
you're freaking out right now,

because we tend to do that, but don't.

All you need to do is complete
every item on our list.

Yes, everything.
It'll all make sense later, trust me.

You've got this, Hailey. Bye!

Okay, for the record,

I only lied about the candy thing

to protect Scott's feelings.

Yeah, I don't really care.

Well, I got to return this list
to the Smithsonian.

I just came to warn you about the bots.

But keep that phone,
a copy of the list is on it.

-Oh, and here.
-Wait.

My list is in the future Smithsonian?

Am I, like, important?

(laughs) Of course you're important.

Completing the list was the first step
toward you saving the world.

How do you not know this?

Oh, right, you're not from the future.

Wait, me saving the what now?

Ugh. Look, I'm not really supposed
to give out spoilers

-from the future, but...
-Hey!

...here's the 12-second summary.

You're named San Diego County's
Young Person of the Year.

You win a big trophy. The mayor's there,

wearing his mayor sash.
It's kind of a big deal.

That accomplishment then catches
the attention

-of President Serena Williams.
-Hold on.

-The tennis player?
-Oh, right. She did play tennis.

But, yes, President Williams
sponsors you for a grant,

which you work your butt off and win

by inventing a crowdsource
decarbonization device,

which reverses climate change.

By the way, thanks for that.

Whoa! Go me!

I can't believe I'm actually
gonna do everything on my list.

I'm gonna learn to play the glockenspiel.

I'm gonna invest a new color. I'm gonna...

kiss Scott Denoga?

-Did you say my name, Hailey?
-No! Go away!

Okay. Jackknife!

I can't kiss Scott.

-(Scott screams and grunts)
-(cat mewls)

I wrote that back in fifth grade
as a joke.

As a joke for yourself?

You had to be there. Okay, look,

maybe I thought Scott was cute
for a hot minute

when he tried that new hair gel

before it got recalled
for attracting bears.

But that was a long time ago,
and we're older now,

and he's Scott.

He wears the same jeans
for a month straight.

He thinks the money wrench
was invented by monkeys.

He calls potato chips "crispy dippers."

Look, if I'd wanted all this teen drama

I'd watch the new season
of Xerxes and Marnius.

It's the big teen drama 50 years from now.

He's a cyborg, she's an all-knowing mess.
You know, I don't want to spoil it.

Point is, I don't care
what you wrote on your list.

I'm just here to tell you
if you don't do every item,

you won't compete for a grant
and climate change will accelerate

until the world looks like this.

Aw. That doesn't look so--
(gasps) It's on fire!

-(grunts)
-So, yeah,

there's a lot riding on your shoulders.

But as long as you don't screw up,
the world will be just fine.

Again, no pressure, but it's all on you.

(nervously) Super.

Oh! And I almost forgot!
To make things easier for you,

I brought tomorrow's winning
jackpot numbers.

They are seven-- (screams)

-Seriously?
-(knock on door)

Check it out, Hailey.

I made duck lips out of crispy dippers.

Quack, quack!

-(screams)
-Ah! Something bit my butt.

Something bit my butt!

(Scott screaming)

Whoa!

So, a couple things
we should probably talk about.

HAILEY: So I laid it all out for Scott.

The bots, the professor,

the world melting into a ball of fire.

Everything except the whole
"kissing him" thing.

And all she left me with was this.

"Enable beta features"?

-Ah!
-(both scream)

Who are you? Who am I? Where are my legs?

Am I supposed to have legs?

(shrieks)

Whoa! A screaming phone!

I'm more than a screaming phone,
you buffoon.

I'm Beta, the world's most advanced AI,

here to help Hailey Banks
complete her list.

Oh, that's who I am.

So, yeah, my year got off
to a pretty weird start.

And somehow,
it just keeps getting weirder.

Trying to save the future of the world

by doing things like item number 195:

free Sid the Psychic Squid.

That squid is property
of the Hot 95 Party Patrol...

coming at you with San Diego
County's hottest hits

-of music, sports and talk!
-(air horn blows)

I'll take care of these guys.

(slow-motion scream)

Nope.

(grunts)

Give me a hand, Sid.

-(screams)
-(tires squeal)

(both cry)

Hailey, over here!

Yeah!

Sid!

Come back!

You never picked this weekend's games!

Heck, yeah!

One step closer to saving the world.

-You should take a shower.
-I'm going to take a shower.

(deep, ominous voice) Hailey Banks.

-I've been waiting for you.
-HAILEY: Hey, Beta.

(in normal voice)
How am I supposed to help you

if you leave me behind
for all the fun stuff?

HAILEY: You remember Beta,
he's that screaming phone from earlier.

He's still cranky, but he's a lot cuter

now that I made him that body
out of a spare robotics kit

at Command a Koala Plushie.

Oh, and he hates it
when you do this.

I wuv you!

All right, that's enough.

Hey, look on the bright side.

We finished another list item.

Well, I guess I do "wuv" that.

So, what's next on the list?

Well, according to my calculations,

the next item you should attempt,

with a 92% achievement probability,

is number 143:

kiss Scott Denoga.

Isn't that the buffoon
who wears the same jeans every day?

Whee!

Why would you put that on your list?

You know, I've actually
been thinking about that,

and I'm pretty sure I meant
to write "kick Scott Denoga."

So I'll just go ahead
and make a quick correction

to the list here.

(man yelps)

Uh, what was that?

Time glitch.

A rift in the very fabric
of the space-time continuum,

which could give chaos bots an opening
to jump into our timeline.

So it's not a good time glitch, then.

No! Hailey, this item is no bigger deal

than any of the others.

In fact, according to my research,

human kissing is quite simple.

It simply involves briefly interlocking
your two face holes.

Ugh! Beta!

Look, I know you don't always
get human stuff,

but Scott is my best friend.

And, yes, part of me wonders,
what if we were more than friends?

But the other part of me knows

that would risk making things
weird between us,

and ruin the great thing we already have.

But then that first part of me knows
the truth is that I like him.

I never even said it out loud,
but, yes, for some reason,

I like Scott Denoga.

Hey, guys, what you talking about?

Ah! Nothing! Certainly not you, Scott.

The world does not revolve
around your lips.

I mean, your face hole.
I mean, any part of your body.

(chuckles nervously)

Okay.

You know you're sitting in glue, right?

(scoffs) As a joke.

(laughs)

Oh, glue pants! Good one!

So, Beta, what's the next list item?

As I was explaining to Hailey,

-she's supposed to give you a--
-A present for Christmas,

which is at the end of the year.

So let's just plan to do that one later.

I wuv you!

Sure, why not?

It's only the fate of the world at stake.

Okay, okay, it looks like
the next most optimal item

is number 239: ride every ride
at the county fair.

There we go. That sounds fun--

Wait, did you say county fair?

(riders screaming)

(laughing) Oh, man!

Remember the last time
you went to the county fair?

-Yes.
-You went on the Zero Gravitron

and barfed in front of everyone.

-Yes.
-And Kristine Sanchez

accidentally livestreamed the whole thing,

and then everyone called you
Hurley for the next month.

-I said I remember!
-That was hilarious!

(laughs)

-I mean, not for you. For everyone else.
-(sighs)

So, Beta, what's the next next item?

Oh, come on, Hailey.

I know you're scared,
but you can do this one.

You know, I was scared once too.
Back in the third grade,

after all my Halloween candy
was stolen by those burglars

who left the empty wrappers
in your trash can...

Ugh! Burglars!

But the next year,
I got right back out there

and trick or treated harder than ever.
I ever got a king-sized Keith bar.

-Keith bars are disgusting.
-So disgusting.

But it was king-sized.

Point is, the county fair
is nothing to be afraid of.

Especially since I'm gonna be there
every step of the way.

Thanks, Scott. You're a great friend.

But just a friend.

Yeah. I know.

Would you two just kiss already?

I wuv you!

-What did he say?
-Let's go to the fair!

Okay!

(all scream)

It's time for me to scope out the premises

for any suspicious activity.

It's go time.

Where'd you get those sunglasses?

The Mr. Tomato Head doll in your closet.

Now... go time.

♪ Go, go-go, go, go ♪

(zip tie rasps)

Well, this is humiliating.

Okay, Scott,

looks like it's time for us
to save the world.

♪ I'm making my moves
Playing my rules ♪

♪ That's how I do it ♪

♪ Seizing the day ♪

♪ There's just no way I'm gonna lose it ♪

♪ I could do anything ♪

♪ Watch as I spread my wings ♪

♪ Baby, it's no big thing ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's obvious
That I was born for this ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

(camera shutters click)

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

Last ride. The Zero Gravitron.

My white whale.

I always thought it was a spaceship.

But, yeah, I can see it.

Hey, look, it's almost empty.

If you hork, nobody will ever know.

Oh, no.

Hey, K Squad, it's me,

Kristine the Hot Queen.

Today, I'm sporting a wide-brim

Ruffiusan & Haute vintage
2006 Lionel Verducci scarf.

Hashtag "thrift store gem."

HAILEY: Kristine Sanchez,
the most popular girl in school,

with over 2,000 followers.

She's stylish, she's tall,

she never sweats in gym class.

And the worst part of all:

she's actually really nice.

(gasps and squeals)

-Hi, Kristine.
-Hey, hey!

Can I just say how truly inspiring it is

to see you back on this ride?

Oh, and you brought Scott!

-You guys are such a cute couple.
-Couple?

(stammers and scoffs)

Yeah, more like a couple of friends
who aren't destined to kiss.

Oh, sorry.

I just assumed
because you guys are so close,

and you hang out all the time,
and you have your own handshake.

Because we're friends.

I mean, I have handshakes
with lots of people.

-You do?
-Sure. Like...

Born Shorts here.

What's up, Born Shorts?

Catch you later, bud.

OMG, can I livestream this?

Your bravery would be such an inspiration

to all the little Kristinies out there.

That sounds great.

(squeals)

By the way,
what do you think of my scarf?

It's okay.

Oh, man, I want that scarf.

Well, good luck.

Just ignore her

and her thousands of fans
watching you live.

You can do this. Just think calm thoughts.

-(machinery activates)
-MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to your worst nightmare!

Hold on to your personal items,

because they will become
deadly projectiles.

Don't worry,
they're just building the suspense.

MAN: I'm not just building the suspense.

You're gonna scream till you puke!

(rock music playing)

See? Everything's fine.

Chaos!

Something's wrong! Something's very wrong!

(alarm blaring)

I don't remember this from last time.

Where's Beta?

This one's kind of cute.

I like the blue one.

Death Spiral, Inc. is not responsible

for any injuries that may occur.

It's over. I can see through...

I guess it's up to me.

I'm on it.

♪ Don't play it safe ♪

♪ I like it dangerous ♪

(screams)

Ah! Excuse me. Coming through.

Sorry about that.

Kristine, I need your scarf.

Sure! Don't you love it?

Yes, it's adorable.

-Hold this.
-Okay.

(cheering)

(all groan)

Woo!

I slayed the white whale!

Not for real. I love whales.

You rock, Hailey.

That was amazing, Hailey.

I tip my hat--

-(retches)
-Okay.

Woo-hoo! That was so cool!

Everyone was like, "Ah."
And you were like, "Pfft."

And then everyone was like... (grunting)

And then we got off this ride,
and I started saying all this.

How did you do all that?

I don't know. I just did it.

I guess I can do everything on my list.

-I can do anything.
-(alarm blaring)

That's weird.

This thing goes green
when we finish a list item.

I guess we're not done
riding all the rides yet.

Oh, look. There's a new one.

The Tunnel of Love.

HAILEY: The Tunnel of Love?

You know what?

I think I can do that one solo.

Oh, no. I promised I'd help you
complete every ride.

And I'm nothing if not a man of my word.

And look, there's no line. Score!

(calliope music playing)

Welcome to the Tunnel of Love,

the most romantic six minutes
of your life.

Oh, man. This is gonna be so lame.

(song over speakers)
♪ You've been best friends ♪

♪ But that'll all change
Tonight ♪

-So lame.
-I don't know.

I think it's kind of cool.

♪ The moment just feels right ♪

♪ This romantic endeavor ♪

♪ Could change the world
Forever ♪

♪ If you just
Kiss your friend ♪

♪ Kiss your friend ♪

♪ You don't need to be shy
Go on and kiss your friend ♪

♪ Kiss your friend ♪

♪ He's actually a great guy ♪

♪ If you want to prevent
The apocalypse ♪

♪ Smooch your friend
Right on the lips ♪

♪ Don't make the world end... ♪

HAILEY: So this was the moment

I was supposed to kiss Scott.

Maybe it was the lights, or the fountains,

or the weirdly on-the-nose music,

but it was actually perfect.

(retches)

Until that happened.

Okay, okay, that was bad.
But you've just got to do it.

You've got to tell Scott that
kissing him is on your list.

Who knows? He might even be into it.

What if he is into it?

What if he's not into it?

(sighs) Whatever.

It's not the end of the world, Hailey.

Well, maybe it is.

-Hey, Hailey.
-Ah!

Listen, Scott, I am so sorry.

No, don't be.
Check out this sweet T-shirt they gave me.

This isn't me. It's just painted on.

-(Scott laughs)
-I know.

Look, Scott,

there's something I need
to tell you about the list,

and our friendship, and--

Hey, Hailey, can I ask you something?

Yes. Please. Anything.

Would you mind if I asked out Scott?

What? But... why?

Well, we started talking
in the cleanup tent,

and it turns out
we both have a lot in common.

We both have great hair.
We both got barf on us today.

And our birthdays
are only five and a half months apart.

That's actually
about as far apart as they--

-So? What do you think?
-Um....

I mean... sure. Why would I mind?

I told you, we're just friends.

Great! Hey, Scott!

Do you want to go out?

Sure.

Thank you so much, Hailey.

I'll get us a cotton candy!

Yay!

That was cool.

Yeah. So cool.

Cool for you. Cool for her.

And cool for me.

Yup, I am cool like a cantaloupe.

-Are you okay?
-Like a cantaloupe!

Okay.

So, what were you saying about the list?

Oh, uh, just that one of the items

is that I have to kick Scott Denoga.
So...

Ow! Ugh! That was a hard one.

Well, anything to save the world.

Later, Hay.

Not if I see you first, crocodile.

Ugh!

(both laugh)

-(alarm blaring)
-(grunts)

BETA: Hailey, what is going on?

-Beta? Why are you--?
-Uh-uh.

Not important. What is important is that,

according to my calculations,
there's no only a 0.02% chance

that you'll ever kiss Scott.

What? How is that possible?
Kristine just asked him out.

-That doesn't mean they're already--
-Hey, K Squad, meet Scott.

Hi, everyone.
Can you believe our birthdays

are only five and a half months apart?

(grunts)

-Chaos!
-Chaos!

You picked the wrong day
to mess with me, bots.

(bell dings)

-(blows)
-Dang, Hailey!

That was the coolest thing
I have ever seen you do.

HAILEY: So that's me, Hailey Banks.

Here to save the world...

-Ah!
-...someday.

I take it back.
That was not remotely cool.

HAILEY: Man, that was, like,
all pinkie toe. Ow.

BETA: Come on, I'll buy you a churro.

HAILEY: You don't have any money.

BETA: Fine, then you buy me a churro.

HAILEY: You don't even eat people food.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's obvious
That I was born for this ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ Born for this ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I got it, I got it
No forcing it ♪

♪ You know I was
Born for this ♪

♪ I'm fearless, the fiercest
That you ever seen ♪

♪ I bring it, 'cause winning
Comes naturally ♪

♪ Can't stop me, can't face me
I shoot every shot ♪

♪ Can't miss ♪

♪ You know
I was Born for this ♪