Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 9 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

Guys with Kids is taped
iin front of a live studio audience.

Boys, the time has come.

We've been without a TV
for six months.

Now, we've had some quality time
as a family, but...

It's time to put
all that behind us.

The great sale is near.

Black Friday!

Yes. Yes!

I just have to be one
of the first seven people

in line when they open the doors
the night of Thanksgiving,

and I will take home
a $4,000 television



for $100!

Okay, Gary.
Have fun in line.

Oh, Marny, I'm surprised
how well you're taking

that I'll be missing
Thanksgiving

to spend three days
in line.

This level of understanding

is out of character
for you and...

giving me
the heebie-jeebies.

Oh, I'd be furious
if I actually thought

you were gonna miss
Thanksgiving.

Oh, you don't think
I can do it?

Gary, you don't do well
with cold.

You actually have Yoda
warm up the toilet seat for you.

It's part of the boy's
allowance, all right?



Men, gather round.

They told the Pilgrims

that they would die
on the cold shores of America.

A lot of them did.

In honor of those
who didn't,

I'm getting me
a big-ass TV.

Good-bye, family.
I love ya.

I like that guy.

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ everybody sing it out

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

Oh, Sheila,
it shouldn't be this hard

to figure out who gets Ernie
for Thanksgiving.

Fine.
Let's cut to the chase.

Ernie, who do you want
to spend Thanksgiving with?

I'm joking.

But if he somehow
does indicate me,

I think we should honor it.

Okay... fine. Um, how about this?

Since we can't decide,
you, me, and Ernie spend

his first Thanksgiving
together.

So just me, my son,
and my ex-wife.

Should we really kill
a turkey for that?

You know, I could see
what my friends are doing.

I hate your friends.
You hate your friends.

Who doesn't hate
their friends?

I don't.

I love my friends.

Well, what are they doing
for Thanksgiving?

Uh, Nick and Emily
are going to his cousin's.

Gary's waiting in line for three
days to get a cheap TV.

Oh, I never thought I'd know
one of those people.

Uh, well, okay.
It's too bad.

I was thinking,
if they were around,

I would have them
all over.

You would? Why?

Well, I live
in the building now.

You all have your Sunday night
dinners together,

and I'm never included.

I don't get to use
the Costco card you all share.

Would you ever buy
in bulk?

Ugh. No.

But I would like the opportunity
to decline.

The truth is, I always feel
a little like

an outsider here.

Having everyone over
for Thanksgiving

would be a great opportunity
for me to become

part of the group.

But now it'll just be you,
me, Ernie,

and whatever delicious treat
PBS has on tap for us.

Oh, Ernie,
we're in trouble.

Uh, actually, you know,
Marny is free.

And I'm sure I could get
Nick and Emily

to change their plans, so--

Great. Then that's settled.

Just like the Pilgrims
won over the Wampanoag,

this Thanksgiving,
I too will win over a group

of unsophisticated savages.

Mm. Emily,

you have outdone yourself
with the stuffing this year.

That is not cooked yet.

There are raw eggs in that.
You'll get salmonella.

I mean, the damage is done.
I'm gonna keep at it.

Hey.
Get this.

Sheila and I couldn't decide
who gets Ernie for Thanksgiving,

so it's just gonna be the three
of us in her apartment.

Ha, ha, ha!
That sounds terrible.

♪ You have to go to Sheila's

- And so do you two.
- What?

I'm calling in the favor
you owe me from your wedding.

- No.
- No.

Not now. You can't.
It's Thanksgiving.

Yes, now.
You two told me

you'd give me anything
if I would trash can Annie's date

to your wedding.

Huh. Trash can Annie.

I really wish you would stop
calling my sister that.

You know,
she hasn't gotten drunk

and fallen in a trash can
in eight months.

Okay, then that's that.

So we are going
to Sheila's.

A deal is a deal.

But if we do this,
you've finally gotta tell us

how you stopped trash can Annie
from getting drunk

and ruining our wedding.

I let her get
a little handsy with me,

you know.

I'm not proud of it.

I'm a little proud of it.

Oh!

Whoo! It's much colder out here
than I thought it would be.

You know, I've been keeping
my hands down in my pants,

but everybody keeps staring.

You know, can I--can I warm 'em
up on your stove, man?

Sorry.
Every man for himself.

That's just the way
it is

out here on the line.

Hey, hup!

Okay, well, uh,

can we at least all huddle
like penguins for warmth?

Will somebody at least
lay on top of me?

I promise I'll be cool.

Gary?

Whoa. Oh, my God.
It's morning.

I made it.

I made it!

- Here, we brought you a--
- Ooh!

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

- Wow.
- Mm.

Looks like a walrus
eating a seal.

Marny was right.
This was a bad idea, man.

I don't think
I'm gonna make it.

Gary, it's only been
one night.

I don't care.
It's cold!

I don't like these people.
They're mean to me.

They didn't even want
to cuddle with me,

'cause they're
a bunch of jerks!

- Dad!
- Hey!

What's up, boys?

Good.
Dad, how are you doing?

Great. A couple
of homeless guys came over

at 4:00 in the morning

and taught us kung fu
for an hour.

- Come on, Gary.
- What?

Stop pretending.

I know you're miserable.

Let's just go home.

We'll make you some
hot chocolate,

some soup.

I'll run you a nice bath.

Can I eat my soup
in the bath?

Whatever you want.

Dad, don't do it!

The Pilgrims died so you
could get a big-ass TV!

You're right, boys.

I'm not going anywhere.
I can do it.

All right, Gary.
Suit yourself.

But it's gonna be
record-low temperatures tonight.

Bring it on.
Bring it on!

I'm tough!
I'm strong!

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna die out here.

I'm gonna die.

I'm so jealous
you get to die.

I have to go to Sheila's.

What's going on?
Is Ernie okay?

He's fine. Why?

Because you called me
at 11:00 at night

and told me to get up here
right now.

I'm just trying
to figure out a theme

for tomorrow's
Thanksgiving feast.

I'm toying with period garb.

We will each represent
a native American tribe.

I call Penobscot.
Yes.

No, Sheila, my friends
aren't like your friends.

- You don't have to impress them.
- Oh, Chris.

You don't come back
from a bad dinner party.

You remember my friend
Dana Baumgartner.

- Yeah.
- Her souffle didn't rise.

She was an outcast.
She had to move...

To New Jersey.

Sheila, stop making
yourself crazy

before you freak out, okay?

Just keep it simple.

Yes. Simple.

Simple like a play.
Oh! Help me write a play!

- No cuts.
- No cuts.

- No cuts.
- No cuts.

- No cuts.
- No cuts.

No cuts.
Oh, hey, baby.

All right, Gary.

Enough is enough.

Today is Thanksgiving,

and you need to be
with your family,

having a terrible time
at Sheila's.

So just pack--

are you wearing your socks
on your hands?

I am.

Plus I switched spots
so I could sit

on this heating grate.

What?
So this is it.

We're spending
Thanksgiving apart?

Well, baby, we can spend
Thanksgiving here.

Grab the kids,

and come join us
in the queue.

That's what Ian calls it.

Ian's from England.

I don't care!

Let's just buy the TV.

We are not buying
a $4,000 TV.

Clark breaks a television
I paid $100 for,

I send him to his room.

He breaks a TV
I spent $4,000 for,

I'm pressing charges.

Well, if you're looking
for your family,

we'll be at Sheila's.

- Ba--
- Have a good day, ma'am.

Oh, shut up, Ian.

Oh.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Wow, Sheila.

I haven't been here.
Your place is so nice.

Thank you.

I have all my money
and half of Chris's.

Well, I-I made
an Oreo pie.

I'm kind of famous
for it.

Oh, Emily,
I'm sure you are.

However, I'm very excited
about this,

and I think
you will be too.

I have planned

a historically accurate
Thanksgiving meal,

serving only foods the Pilgrims
and the Wampanoag

would've actually eaten
on the first Thanksgiving.

Yeah.
So, now, uh,

Oreos weren't invented
until the 20th century,

and--fun fact--

the Mayflower arrived in...

Style?

- 1620.
- Hey!

That's right, Violet.
God, who knew? Public school.

Okay, now, I don't want this
to get mixed in,

so I will just put it
out here.

She kicked my pie
out of the party.

Well, like with everything
with Sheila,

we'll be fine
once we start drinking.

There's no booze.

What?

Evidently, the Pilgrims
ran out of booze

on the ship ride over
from England.

Fun fact.

- Hey, guys.
- Aww.

That is ridiculous.

- So no booze?
- No. No, no.

That's why I'm holding Ernie
right now,

'cause I know if I wasn't,
you would punch me.

Mom, everything in here
is breakable.

I don't trust myself.

I wish we were with Dad.

Oh, boys, I wish we were all
together too.

But we're still gonna have
a great Thanksgiving.

I'm sure Sheila has made
all your favorites,

pumpkin pie
and mashed potatoes--

- Do you smell fish?
- Good nose.

I'm boiling a cod.

You know, they didn't have
domesticated turkeys

or ovens back then.

That's why it's called
Cape Cod,

and not cape turkey.

- That's a fun fact.
- Fun fact.

No. No. That was a joke.

Oh, we are having
a festive time, huh?

Kill me.

No. We are suffering
through this together.

I wish Gary was here.

He'd have the guts
to kill me.

So, is everyone good?

Is everyone having
the best Thanksgiving

- of their lives?
- Hmm. Yeah.

More maple sap
on your hickory nuts?

Wow, all you kids are
in the clean plate club, huh?

And you know
what your reward is?

Knowledge.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna go check
on dessert.

All right, boys.
What did you do with your food?

'Cause I know
you didn't eat it.

- We did.
- No, you didn't.

You'd be dead.

Tell us how kids hide food.

Please.

When you're all not looking,
we scoop it up

all in our napkin
and throw it away

in the garbage
in the bathroom.

Okay, that gets rid of it,
but then what do we eat?

We have three pounds of stuffing

in our fridge.

Yes. Yes!

Okay, I will find a way
to sneak it up here.

Okay, but don't let Sheila
catch you.

She put all this pressure
on herself because she feels

like she needs
to impress everyone.

Are you sure she didn't say
depress everyone?

It's a little holiday
word play for ya.

All right, boys,
how many napkins would it take

to soak up this soup?

No, for soup,
you spill your water

to create a diversion
and pour it in a houseplant.

Is that how my ficus
keeps dying?

You've said too much.

"Dearest Marny,

"I know I'm far from home
and missing Thanksgiving

"with you and my boys.

"If it makes you feel
any better,

I've grown to hate Ian."

Oh. Hey.

It's almost time.
We'll be getting our TVs.

Maybe.

What do you mean, maybe?
There are seven TVs,

and we're the first seven people
in line.

It's not the first seven people
in line.

It's the seven people
who can fight their way

to the TVs first.

Oh.

All right, well,

I guess I'd better
limber up.

Hey. That's funny.
You look familiar.

Do I know you?

You got kids that go
to my school or something?

Nah. I'm Emmitt Smith.

Yeah, yeah!

You used to be a running back
for the Dallas Cowboys.

What, you in line
for a toaster or something?

Nah, I'm here for the TVs.

Oh, come on, man.
You got three Super Bowl rings.

You made some cash, right?
You don't need this.

I did all right.

But I still love
running past people, though.

- All right.
- I'm gonna stretch out.

Oh, okay.
Gonna stretch out?

Hold on, homes.
What are you doing?

I'm getting my stretch on,
like you.

No, these are
secret stretches, man.

You can't be doing that.

I'm going back to my tent.

Is everyone having
a good time?

Why doesn't anyone
want seconds?

Is the food bland?
I think it's a little bit bland.

But it's on theme.
Is it a good theme?

Am I limited by my theme?

Why aren't you answering me?
Do they hate me?

Sheila, calm down.

What is going on with you?

Look. Ever since I moved
below 72nd street,

all my old friends
barely talk to me any more.

And I can't be written off
by your friends as well.

I want them to like me.

And I want them to know
that there's more to me

than just always being
the smartest one in the room.

And that's why
it has to go well.

Is it going well?

Again, why are you
not answering me?

It is!
It's going well.

Trust me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh! You know what
I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna break out
the ring stick.

See, you try to get the ring
on the stick.

It's what the early settlers did
to amuse themselves.

Buoyed their spirits while they
were dying of exposure.

Everyone better buckle up.

- What is this?
- Chris!

What happened
to the warning signal?

Is that s-stuffing?

Is everyone eating stuffing
out of a knockoff Birkin bag?

What makes you think
it's a knockoff?

Stitching, piping, lining.

We're sorry.
We were just really hungry.

So you didn't eat
my food.

Oh, we tried.
We really did.

But don't blame yourself.

You know, Pilgrims were
just really gross people

who ate really gross things.

So the meal was
a disaster.

I am so sorry, everyone.

I can't imagine what you
must think of me right now.

I-I am mortified.

This food, I--

I am so sorry that you shouldn't
even have to look at it.

So let me get it
out of your sight.

- Whoa, hey.
- What are you doing?

I'm clearing the table.

Oh, my God.
She's losing it.

All clear!

That was awesome!

Okay.

Well, that's it.

I have caused a huge scene
and ruined Thanksgiving,

so write me off.

Make fun of me
behind my back.

What are you talking
about, Sheila?

We're not gonna write you off
just because we had

one terrible,
terrible Thanksgiving.

Yeah, and when we
make fun of you, you know,

we don't do it
behind your back.

We do it
right to your face.

For example,
can you see in infrared

like the other predators?
See?

That's true. It's--

it's always right
in front of my face.

- Always.
- Always.

See? I told you.
They don't care.

It's your friends
who banish people to New Jersey.

And, you know,
speaking of which,

you should really call
Dana Baumgartner.

Eh.

That is so nice,

that you guys don't--
don't feel that pressure

of trying to impress
each other.

I mean, look at you, Emily.

You wore flats
to a holiday dinner.

Who does that?

You do.

Because you don't care

what kind of impression
you make.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

And, Marny,

your husband abandoned you
on Thanksgiving

to sit in line
to buy a TV.

I mean, and here you are,
without a care in the world

about how that makes
your family look.

Oh, that must be so freeing.

I hadn't thought of it
that way.

Even more incredible.

You know what?

Gary didn't abandon me.

I abandoned him.

Come on, boys.
My family should be together.

Even if it is
standing in line.

Since we don't care
what people think,

I stuck a bunch
of those oat rolls

in your heating vent.

Wonderful, Yoda.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- What are you guys doing here?
- We came to join you.

I still think this
is extremely stupid,

but we're gonna be
extremely stupid together.

As a family.

Oh, hug me tighter.

I can't feel my body.

What?

Hey, guys.

Look, I know you didn't get
a lot to eat,

so in honor
of Thanksgiving,

I went to Subway
and got some sandwiches.

There's turkey melts
and roast beef,

something for everybody.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

And I kept the receipt,

so you can just reimburse me
at your leisure.

Oh, my God.
The bread is still warm!

See? Doesn't take much
to keep this crowd happy.

Oh, Sheila, these sandwiches
are so much better

than your cooking.

See? Right to your face.

Boys, the doors
are about to open.

We are this close
to our goal.

There's only one thing
that stands in between us

and my big-ass TV.

Okay?

Now!

Run! Get it! Run!

- Boys, get off!

Wow.
Families coming together.

Now, that is the spirit
of Thanksgiving, huh?

Oh.

Gary just climbed
that old man like a ladder.

Not in the spirit.
Not in the spirit at all.

All right,
it's all hooked up.

And with the touch of a button,
we'll introduce

our newest and possibly favorite
family member.

Marny, would you like
the honors?

- Are you sure?
- Nope. I'll do it.

Ah!

Yeah.

Now, I would not be
a good friend

if I didn't point out
that that TV

is far too big
for this apartment.

I feel like I can say
those things

now that you all
have officially welcomed me

into your group.

What is she talking about?
When did that happen?

That didn't happen, right?

It happened.

Then this is the blackest
Friday of all.