Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 10 - Christmas - full transcript

Guys with kids is taped
in front of a live studio audience.

[Groans]

Gary?

[Grunts]

[Groans]

I hurt everywhere.

Marny, last night,
I fell asleep on the floor

and used a rotisserie chicken
as a pillow.

What did we do?

Last thing I remember, I--
I climbed the Christmas tree,

and when it fell over,
I tried to ride it like a bull.



Oh, Gary.

Gary.

Huh?

I think
I'm gonna die.

Where are our children?

Oh, I'm pretty sure we
left them with Nick and Emily.

Oh, come on, baby,
these are things we should know.

No.
No, no, no.

We went over there last night
to pick them up,

and they said
that they would keep them.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I hope
we didn't embarrass ourselves.

Oh, impossible.

I don't get drunk.



I get awesome.

[Knocks on door]

Hold on!

Here are your children.

Here is your bra.

Uh, can I get you guys
some coffee or something?

After what happened
last night?

We are so not talking
to you.

Awesome!

Someone threw up
in my bed!

When are Nick
and Emily coming?

Emily's bringing the crackers,
all I have is cheese.

This is madness.

They should be here
any minute.

They were just taking
their Christmas card picture.

You know, last year
they were dressed

as reindeer
pulling Santa's sleigh

with a caption that read,

"it's raining deer.

Hallelujah,
it's raining deer."

There is no way they can
sustain the level of cuteness.

Hi, everyone!

Yet they do.

♪ Life is
how you live it ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ wake up
where you want to be ♪

♪ hey, hey ♪

- ♪ you and me ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ we're happy ♪
- ♪ Ooh, hey ♪

♪ we need our friends
like the sun ♪

♪ everybody singin' ♪

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ everybody singin' ♪

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

I know
there's been some talk

that I could not pull off
green velvet.

I think we can all agree
I've put those rumors to rest.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

I was just trying to finish up
my holiday shopping.

Shopping. Huh.

I thought you just stole all
the presents out of Whoville.

So pimp, leprechaun,
or both?

Remember what we got
each other last year?

- I do, a divorce.
- Yeah.

Oh, okay.
Tell it again, Chris. Please?

Okay, I will set the stage.

They just had a baby, hoping it
would repair their marriage.

It didn't.

And...Go.

I remember it
like it was yesterday.

We were getting ready
for my office Christmas party.

You were complaining
about how you hated my tie.

Yes.

Grinding my spirit
down to a fine powder.

And then Sheila said...

- If that's the way you feel--
- No, no, no.

I do a much better you than you,
apparently.

[Deep, raspy voice]
If that's the way you feel...

Then maybe we just
shouldn't be together.

- Nick!
- Nick!

[Normal voice]
But your divorce

was the best Christmas gift
of all time.

Except for the Christmas gift
you got me last year.

He saved a memento of every date
we've ever been on,

and he made me
a scrapbook of them.

So romantic.

He's so desperate.

You jest, Big G, but don't
look too deeply into my eyes

because you may
just fall in love.

Well, Gary and I
definitely went all-out

with our present
to each other this year.

Oh, my God, you guys

are finally taking
that trip to Paris?

Better.

Both:
We got a new dishwasher!

Come see, come see!
[Laughs]

Oh, I'll just see
from afar.

Shh, listen, listen,
it's running right now.

- You can't even hear it.
- Oh.

I can hear it.

What?

Well, I have,
like, super hearing, yeah.

During college,

at my one-man show,
Chris: Just a guy,

I was actually able
to hear somebody

all the way in the back row
whisper, "wonderful."

But this
isn't romantic.

Oh, the thought of not having
to rinse everything

before putting it
in the dishwasher?

[Laughs]

That gets me hot.

No, this stops now.

I am staging
an intervention.

My Christmas present
to you guys this year

is to help you
spice up your marriage.

Well, thank you,

- but we're fine.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know, guys, I still
have a couple DVD copies

of my one-man show,
Chris: Just a guy.

We should make
a night of it.

Yeah,
the Daily Northwestern

called it "Unnecessary."
[Laughs]

Oh, good,
the idiot's not here.

Oh, yes, he is!

Fine.

Look, after dinner,
I started thinking

about how it's been a year since
we decided to get divorced,

and, well,
I think it's only right

if I give you back
our engagement ring.

Oh, great.

Now we have to travel
to Mordor

and throw it
in the fires of Mount Doom.

But, Sheila,
I gave it to you

as a symbol
of my undying love, which died.

Chris, just take it.

You know I always win.

You're gonna wind up
with it eventually.

Not taking it,
Sheila.

[Sighs]

Fine.

I will be the mature one
and keep the ring.

Think fast.
No backsies.

You give me that ring,
Frodo.

It's much too powerful.

Hey, guys.

Violet, go have fun.

Don't play
with those little punks

who climb up the slide.

So what did you guys
do last night?

Actually,
you'll like this.

- We had a little bit of a date.
- Yeah.

We sat in bed
and read to each other. Happy?

Aw, I love that.

What did you guys read?

The dishwasher manual.

Cover to cover.

Turns out I know more Portuguese
than I thought.

You're right, honey.

Their marriage
has stalled.

- Would you stop that?
- I can't!

I see you turning
into my parents.

It starts with getting
each other appliances,

and then you spend
the next 40 years in a rut,

falling asleep
in front of the TV.

Daddy?

Is his foot stuck?

Is it stuck?

Is it stuck?

Look, Emily,
we are not in a rut, okay?

We're fine.

- We go on plenty of dates.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, like what?

We returned that stepladder
to home warehouse.

- Mm-hmm.
- We had a hot dog outside.

Hot dog combo outside.

And before that...

We took in
some jazz music

in the waiting room
of the boys' pediatrician.

Pretzel guy's here.

Look, let me plan
a real date for you.

I'm kind of an expert
at this.

We don't need you
to plan our dates.

Guys,
spending your Friday nights

watching people get murdered
on Dateline

is not a date.

Fine.
Then will you leave us alone?

- I promise.
- Daddy?

Can I have a jungle gym
for Christmas?

Sure, you know,
you can have this jungle gym,

and we'll just keep it here.

Get off my jungle gym!

Okay, Ernie
are you getting ready?

Because this is gonna be fun.
[Pop goes the weasel plays]

He is gonna just pop out.

♪ ♪

Here it comes.
Yeah?

Here it comes.

Any second now.

Just any second now.

This is--does not
usually take this long.

I don't know
what's happening.

What is happening--
oh!

Oh...

Oh, Ernie.

Once again,
your father has chosen

the wrong person to engage.

[A Holly Jolly Christmas
plays]

Oh.

Urgent.
Sweet.

♪ ♪

Oh, lookit.

Here.

Ready? Ready?
[Dog barks]

Whee.

[Dog barks]

Hey.

So...

This is Nick and Emily's
favorite winter date.

Yeah, it's a lovely night out
for a carriage ride.

Mm-hmm.

[British accent]
Would you fancy some white wine?

[British accent]
I would fancy some white wine.

Why are we talking
like this?

We're in a carriage, and we do
as the carriage people do.

[Both laugh]

- Oh! Oh, honey!
- Son of a bitch!

Marny, I'm sorry.

I can't pour
in this bumpy-ass thing.

There is no way
Nick and Emily

find this carriage ride
enjoyable.

I know.

How the hell
could this be romantic?

I'm cold, I'm wet,

and I can't help
but wonder

if there's such a thing
as horse deodorant.

I know, what's up with that?
Ugh.

Let's just take our rut
and go home.

We could see
if the dishwasher

can get those spaghetti sauce
stains out of our tupperware!

No, no, baby, look.

I got a better idea.

Nick and Emily
have the kids.

We finally have a night out
to ourselves.

Let's tear it up
how we used to do.

Oh, you wanna hit up
some bars?

Maybe do
some cleavage body shots?

I don't know if I still have
the boobs for that,

but you can try.

[Both laugh]

You're so silly.

Let's get out of here.

- Yes.
- All right.

- One, two...
- Honey?

Three.
Tuck and roll!

Gary!

Excuse me, sir.

Would you mind stopping?

[Groans]

Nick and Emily Thayer!

We are
in your living room!

Whoa.

And you're welcome.

Somebody had
a good time tonight.

Yep.

And we're coming
for the kids.

Release them.

Oh, you guys.

Thank you so much.

You guys...

I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to excuse me.

Huh?

This thing is
just driving me crazy.

- Oh.
- [Laughs]

Yeah.
Yeah, no, that part of the tree

was getting
a little too kid-friendly.

You know, we will be happy
to watch the kids for the night.

Both: Aw.

Thank you.

Because we
are going to have sex.

[Laughs]

See, I am an expert.

The carriage ride worked.

Oh, no.

- The carriage ride sucked.
- Shh.

You guys
didn't like it?

No, that's not
what she said.

She said it sucked.

Come on.

It was one
of your Nick and Emily dates.

Mm-hmm.

It was one
of your Nemily dates.

- Nemily?
- Yeah.

You know, Nick, Emily.
Nemily.

We all call you that.

So, Nemily, I don't know what
you guys are trying to prove

with getting
all romantic and stuff,

but you're working
too hard.

And I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret

because I love you,
and you are watching my kids,

so I can go have sex.

Yeah, but sometimes you guys
are just too cute,

and we think
it's ridiculous.

You're welcome.

Who's "we all"?

Honey,
they're very drunk.

They don't know
what they're talking about.

Nuh-uh, I don't get drunk.

I get awesome.

- I am drunk.
- [Laughs]

Oh,
I love you so much.

Mwah.

Marny out.

[Hums]

Well, those were
the rudest carolers of all time.

You guys want
some coffee or something?

After what happened
last night?

We are so not talking
to you.

Awesome!

Someone threw up in my bed!

Guys, look,
whatever we said--

Nope.
I don't wanna hear it.

Come on, Emily.

Don't you mean Nemily?

Thayers out.

- Hey, hey.
- Nick!

Oh, no.

I must have done
my "Marny out" thing.

I can't believe I called them
Nemily to their face.

Dad, Nick promised
that you were gonna take us

to ride
roller coasters today.

- Boys, I can't--
- He promised!

Do you call us
Nemily?

Uh...

Do you think
we're ridiculously cute?

Are we annoying?

Uh...

Oh, come on.

Yeah, thank you.
You've said enough.

[Door slams]
Uh...

Eh.

Everybody thinks
we're ridiculous, huh?

You know what?

They are just saying
we are ridiculous

because they're jealous.

That's what it is.

They are jealous
that we don't eat

hot dogs in parking lots.

Call me ridiculous,
I'll kill you!

Okay, honey?

Yep?

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yep.

Why don't we
just take the stabby things

out of your hands before I do?
Okay.

You know,
these carriage rides,

do you have fun
when we go on those?

Because I'm just gonna be
honest for a second

and just throw it out there.

Not my favorite thing.

But you always said
you loved it.

I do--I love it
because you love it. Okay?

But a lot of the things
that we normally do

aren't things
I would normally do.

But I love
that you love them.

Okay, the carriage ride's
not my favorite.

It's cold and smelly.

And I'm pretty sure that's
when my sweater got fleas.

It sucked.

Then why do we
keep doing it?

Because.

Because it's something my
parents would have never done.

They would never make
caramel apples

or go swing dancing.

They're just two people
sharing the same space.

I swore to myself
when I got married

I would never turn
into them.

Come here,
come here.

Listen,
no matter what happens,

we are never gonna turn
into your parents, okay?

For one,
I am not an auctioneer.

And also, you don't have
a permanent wedgie.

[Laughs]

I just think not everything
we do has to be so over-the-top.

Okay, not every date,
not every present,

not every picture has to be
such a huge production.

I don't think
we're over-the-top.

Really?

That's--
that is ridiculous.

Yep.

We ordered 1,000 of those.

You guys
want some wine?

If you even think
of opening that,

and if I smell it,
I will beat you to death.

Baby.

Gotcha loud and clear.

Super hearing.
Yeah.

Also a great listener.

Two separate powers.

- Hi.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What?
- Can you please take off

your shoes and empty out
your pockets?

Chris,
I don't have the ring,

and I've grown tired
of this silly game.

Mm-hmm.
Turn around, please.

Oh, hey, guys.

Before you say anything,

we are so, so sorry.

Yeah, we should have
never called you Nemily.

[Gasps]
We can call them that

to their faces now?

You call us Nemily too?

Well, of course.

I call anything
that annoys me Nemily now.

Adults with light-up shoes,
Nemily.

Anyone who wears shorts
in November, Nemily.

Ooh, someone who tries to start
a conversation in the elevator,

Nemily.
Yeah.

Actually,
I've called all of you

Nemily at one point
or another.

But we don't mean it.

Okay.

Look, we think you guys
are a great couple.

And we love that you do
all of that romantic stuff.

Thank you,
but you were right.

We need
to calm the hell down.

So you guys
aren't upset with us?

No, and I had no right to say
that you guys were in a rut.

No, no, no,
it's okay, really.

You got us
out of the house,

and that's something
we should do more often.

Yeah, but we just can't do it
like we did it last night.

I can't pee
in the hamper again.

It sends the wrong message
to the kids.

What?

Nothing.

[Giggles]

How?

I win.

[Sighs]
Sheila.

The ring is yours.

Remember, I tried to give you
my grandmother's ring.

You said, "no, not until she's
officially declared dead."

And you went out,
and you picked this one, so--

Chris, I don't want it!

Why is it
so important to you

that I take this back?

Because!

I feel guilty keeping it.

That ring is a symbol
of our divorce,

which over the past year,
I have come to realize

I was responsible for.

[Halfheartedly]
No, come on, it was both of us.

No.

It was all me.

And I'm not the easiest person
to get along with.

And instead of trying
to solve the problem,

I would just say,
"this is me.

If you don't like it,
get out."

And I'm sorry for that.

The ring is yours.

If you don't like it,
get out.

[Chuckles]

You know, the funny thing is
this ring game

is the most fun we've had
together in a long time.

Well--

I want you to keep it,
okay?

As a symbol,
not of our failed marriage,

but of our wonderful divorce.

I like
the sound of that.

Okay, Chris.

You win.

Yes!

Finally!

I will keep
the $45,000 ring.

That's what I told you.

This Garny date's
pretty good, huh?

You see what I did there?

I combined Gary and Marny,
made Garny.

I did see that.

Both: Mm.

We got hot dogs
and chips and soda--

the combo, huh,
what else do we need?

This is pretty nice.

I'm not gonna post
any of these photos on Facebook,

but it is pretty nice.

Well, I'm glad
to hear you say that

because remember last year when
I made you that awesome present,

and even then, we were like,
"gosh, I don't know how

he's gonna top it this year"?

Well, since we are calming
the hell down--

You are gonna find
a way to top it.

I am gonna find
a way to top it.