Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 8 - First Birthday - full transcript

Guys with kids is taped

in front
of a live studio audience.

Guess what I just got
invited to.

My own son's
first birthday party.

Sheila organized the whole thing
without me.

She completely left me
out of it,

and she's forcing me
to write a poem

with, "no diaper humor."

I'm sorry. I just want
to get this straight.

So you are going to recite
a poem to a one-year-old

at a birthday party
thrown by your ex-wife



and her serious boyfriend,
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yes, and it's gonna be
terrible.

She's having a string quartet
and a pinata full of raisins.

Hey, look, man, do something
to liven it up, all right?

When Yoda
had his first birthday party,

we had a band play, and then
Clarkie was born second,

so we had the radio playing,

and I think
we completely forgot

about you guys' first birthday
party altogether.

Sorry.

I wish I could do something,

but Sheila is so controlling.

She won't even let me
make Ernie a cake.

My dad always made me a cake
on my birthday.



Your dad still makes you
a cake on your birthday.

I'm his little man.

You know what?
You are divorced.

I think you should take
advantage of that...

- Throw your own party.
- Hey! There you go.

You're absolutely right.

I-I'm free of her.
I can throw the party I want.

I can write the poem I want.

I don't have to write a poem.

Yeah!

♪ Life is how you live it ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ Wake up where you wanna be ♪

♪ Hey, hey

- ♪ You and me
- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ We're happy
- ♪ Ooh, hey

♪ We need our friends
like the sun ♪

♪ Everybody singin'

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ Everybody singin'

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

Chicken nugget on the floor!

I call these jumpers.

They try to get away,
but, oh, no!

What are you doing?

- What?
- That was on the floor!

So? You're eating
out of the sink.

Oh, my God.

I am!

You and I are gross.

We eat our meals, and then
we finish our kids' meals.

I sometimes eat goldfish from
the bottom of the diaper bag.

You know, Gary, this is why

we don't have
any energy anymore...

Like those young,
healthy people.

We can still jump
like that, right?

- Absolutely.
- Look, give me your hand.

- All right, ready?
- Yes!

I'm gonna go.

- Did you jump?
- I thought I did.

Oh, we let those people down.

I can't even look my old self
in the eye.

We need to detox
and clean out our systems.

Does that mean
we have to give up calzones?

Yeah.

This just got real.

Okay, E-Vite's ready to go out.

- Done!
- Wait. You invited Sheila?

Only because I know
she can't make it this weekend.

She's antiquing with Kareem.
Oh.

I love that show.

I remember a time
when you two got along.

I know. I know.
It was so great.

You know, she was everything
I ever wanted.

She was gorgeous and smart,
and she challenged me.

The problem is she challenged me
about everything all the time.

I'm allowed to like chocolate
and vanilla the exact same.

They're my taste buds.

- Hey.
- Ernie!

And Sheila.

Hey, Chris,
what is this E-Vite I just got?

Oh, I decided to throw my own
party for Ernie this weekend.

I'll come to yours.
You come to mine.

But I'm out of town
with Kareem this weekend.

Yes!

No, I'm sorry.

I was just saying "yes"
because you can't come.

Well, I guess
if you want to throw

an unofficial birthday party,
that's fine.

- Why is mine unofficial?
- It's not on his birthday.

But it's still
a birthday party.

Yes, an unofficial
birthday party,

which is why I gave
my blessing.

We're not married. Don't need
your blessing anymore.

All right, Sheila.

So just to be clear, we will
not see you next weekend

at Ernie's
unofficial birthday party

for which we have
your blessing.

Yes, thank you
for understanding.

She went to colgate,
and she gets it.

- Bye, Ernie.
- And Sheila!

Here we go.

All-kale diet.

Maybe all we need
is a good night's sleep.

When's that gonna happen, huh?

Because these two have sworn
to kill us through exhaustion.

All right.
Hit it.

All right.

- That's not bad.
- Mm!

- How many days?
- Six.

Okay.

- We can do it.
- Mm.

We made it through that
habitat for humanity vacation

you planned.

We can make it
through anything.

Hey, I thought we got to keep
the house.

Who pays to build a house
for somebody else?

- Mommy, I'm full.
- Me too.

Okay, all right.
I got it.

Mmmm. Put it down.
Put it down.

Put it down.

Blue for you.

There you go.

And booze for you.

A little more.

There you go.
Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, buddy.
Hey, come here.

Oh, my, my.
Is Ernie having a good time?

Oh, the greatest!
Can't you tell?

Hey, sweetie, what are you
getting there, a unicorn?

No! A skeleton with a snake
coming out of its eye.

Oh, I am not gonna like
any of your boyfriends, am I?

So, Chris,
did you make your cake?

Yeah! Yeah, me and Ernie
did it last night.

Look.

Huh?

Actually, we made four.

This is the one that agreed
to become a cake.

Hi!

All right,
you guys remember the rule?

Don't bother you
unless we're bleeding.

Okay, move out.

- Can I get you guys a beer?
- Nope.

The only thing
that goes inside our body

is kale.

Day four,
and never felt better.

That cake...
Doesn't even look good to me.

Baby,
that cake doesn't look good

to anybody.

All right, Ernie.
It's your special day,

so I'm gonna let you try
your first lollipop.

There you go.

Happy unofficial birthday,
Ernie!

Sheila, what are you
doing here?

Well, Kareem and I...
we had a change of plans, so...

So he dumped you?

Well, apparently, if you want
to date Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,

you have to check your opinions
at the door.

So he really did dump you?
I was just winging it there.

All right, I guessed it!

It's for the best, because
I should be here for Ernie.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, honey.
No, no, no.

Choking hazard.

Wow, she literally
just took candy

from a baby.

Who made this cake?
Miss Havisham?

It's great expectations.

It's Dickens.
Read a book.

So Sheila's here.

Yay!

♪

What'd you say?

Oh, really?

I mean, you got 45.
I think you should stop, buddy.

Okay, one more card.

Chris, I'm glad I'm here,

because I really
don't want Ernie

getting one of those tattoos.

Oh.

Okay. Too late!

No.

No, I don't...
I don't like this.

Why don't we just kick her
out of here?

I can't.
I don't want to ruin the party

with one of our classic
party-ruining fights.

Remember Ernie's christening?

She threw my grandma's
punch bowl against the wall.

I'm not saying
that's what killed my grandma,

but "punch bowl"
were her last words.

Okay, we just need
to contain her, right?

We got to put somebody
on full-time Sheila duty.

Uh, not it.

Kind of hitting
the kale wall here.

One whiff
of her coconut conditioner,

I just might eat the hair
off her head.

We'll do it fair and square.
Hey, Emily! Come here!

Let's play "high card wins."

- Oh, wins what?
- The prize.

Okay.

Oh, I got an ace, suckas!
What's my prize?

You are on Sheila duty.

You got to stop her from ruining
the party for Chris.

Damn it! Come on!

- Love you.
- Nope!

Hey, let's do this...
first baby to fall wins.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- And...
- Yep!

- Fall down.
- Oh!

G.J. Won!
My boy won!

Kareem wasn't rejecting me.

He was rejecting the me
I was with him,

and I was just a reflection
of who he was.

So, if you're smart,
you realize

he was just breaking up
with himself.

Maybe it's the kale...

But, what?

Hi. I got a delivery here
for Sheila.

Great.

Okay, could you bring this
into the kitchen for me?

What is this?

Well, just because this
is a fake party,

it still needs a real cake.

Consider this my contribution.

Sheila, we don't need a cake.
I already baked one.

Oh, Chris.

Let's not get into what is
and what isn't a cake.

Okay.

Uh, now,
where's your cake plate?

You know damn well
you got both cake plates

in the divorce.

- Um, uh, Gary?
- Mm-hmm?

Would you hold this?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

I will be right back down.

The whole point of this party
was for me to do it

my way without her,
and now she's ruining it.

You know what?

I think I have an idea
of how to get rid of Sheila.

She's only here because Kareem
dumped her, right?

Right.

So we could send Kareem
a text from her phone

apologizing for being
so overbearing

and asking him
to come pick her up.

That could work.

She should also apologize
for always telling me

how handsome I look.

I got frosting on my finger.

Eat it.

Eat that frosting.

Get me off this kale train.

No.

I'm staying strong
for the both of us.

Look, just two more days.

- Two more days?
- Mm-hmm.

How many days is that?

I don't know!

Oh, God!

What's happening to us?

You know, the farther I get
from my breakup with Kareem,

the more I enjoy being alone,

which is not the same
as being lonely.

I mean, I have Ernie.

I have my work.

I feel like
I have you guys now.

I'm Sheila, by the way.

We just need to get her phone.

Everybody knows
what they're doing?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Gary, go.
That's a go on Gary.

Gary's a go.

Hmm.

- Hey, Sheila.
- Hi.

You know, that is
a lovely purse you have there.

- Thank you, Gary.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I was thinking
about getting Marny

that exact same purse.

Uh, you mind if I try it on?

You want to wear it?

I do.

Oh, yeah. Hold that for me,
just by the stem...

Right there.
There you go. There you go.

Oh. Yeah.

It feels kind of good.
You know, let me swing.

All right.

All right.
Ah!

Ah, it's cute, but I think
I'm just gonna get her

a ten-pack of t-shirts.

Okay, how is this
for a text to Kareem?

"Kareem, I am so sorry for my
erratic and difficult behavior.

"I have been awful.
Please come get me right now.

"I have also been awful
to Nick Thayer.

Please use your connections
to get him courtside seats."

Oh, my God. Her phone's ringing.
Make it stop!

No, no, no, it's Chris.
It's Chris.

Hey, Chris,
I still have Sheila's phone.

Why do you have my phone?

Uh...

We're trying to get you
to leave the party.

Chris doesn't want you here.
The truth...

I would never have gone
with that.

What?

Chris doesn't want me
at our son's birthday?

Well, having you here
is not easy for him.

I didn't realize that.

Um, so he's having a tough time
seeing me.

Yeah, he's having
a really tough time.

I get it.

He's lonely.

- Yeah! Why not? Sure.
- Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Well, I understand.

Dating just isn't working out
for either of us.

He misses me.

Yeah, I wouldn't exactly...

If that's the case,
I will leave after cake.

- That is definitely the case.
- That's exactly the case.

That's it.

♪ Happy Birthday to you

So Nick and Emily told me
how you were feeling.

I'm sorry if me being here
is difficult for you.

Thank you.

That's... that's really
understanding.

- Picture.
- Oh.

You could've just told me
how you feel.

Really?

'Cause I-I-I didn't know
how you'd react.

- I mean...
- Okay, get closer.

Here's how I'd react.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

Lick his face.

Why the hell did you do that?

Why did you do that?

Why did you kiss me?

'Cause you miss us
being together.

What could possibly make you
think that?

Nick told me.

Who wants ice cream?

Sheila, I understand
you must be confused

coming off your breakup
with Kareem.

No! No.
No, no, no, no, no. No.

That kiss was just a joke.

That was...
that was a joke kiss.

Ha ha!
You know?

I got you.

So I'm gonna go.

And just to be clear, Chris,

you don't want my cake?

No, thanks.

Okay. Great.

My grandmother's cake plate.

Jeez.
What's her problem?

What are you doing in here?

My purse
is in Chris' apartment,

and I don't really feel like
going back in there.

All right, well, cool.

Oh, I have to be nice to it.

Do you want a napkin?

'Cause I, uh, have...
I wrote an idea on this

for a movie starring tom Hanks,

but it's,
uh, not very good, so...

Yeah. Thanks.

You know,
I'm a very composed person,

but my boyfriend dumps me,
and I go crazy,

and I kiss my ex-husband,

and I think, "oh, maybe
we'll get back together."

I'm... I'm all over the place.

I'm a mess.

Well, you're in the right room
for it, so...

But you know what I really
think I'm upset about?

It's my child's first birthday.

It's a big deal.

It's a time for parents
to look at each other

and say, you know,
"we made it."

But Chris and I didn't.

We failed.

I failed.

I don't fail.

You know, you may have failed
as a wife

and, you know, in general
as a human being,

but... but I have seen you
with Ernie,

and you have not failed
as a mother.

At the end of the day,
you are a loving, caring mom,

and Ernie is a great kid
because of that.

Thanks, Nick.

Yep.

Hey. I thought
I heard you in here.

- Hey, Nick.
- Hi, Kareem.

- What are you doing here?
- I got your text.

I also changed your ringtone
to mmmbop.

Sheila, if you're serious
about being sorry, then so am I.

Oh.

Not today, Kareem!

Well, I can tell
you had fun, Ernie.

I can tell by the amount
of cake in your nose.

Come here.

Sorry, buddy.

Hey, I just need
to get my purse.

Don't worry.
I'm not gonna kiss you.

It's okay.

Oh, look at him.
There's more cake than baby.

Hey, Chris.

Look, if you don't want to come
to my party for Ernie,

I understand.

No, no, of course I'm coming.

The thing is, there shouldn't be
a "your party" and a "my party."

He's gonna be our kid forever.

I mean, are we gonna have

separate graduations
and weddings?

Even though we're not together,
we're still a family.

Yeah. No, you're right.
I'm sorry.

I should've included you.

Okay.

Um, I'm sorry for that too.

It's okay. It's not a party
till you break something

that belonged
to my grandmother.

Hey, Chris.

Sheila, we got to go.

I just came up with a great idea
for a tom Hanks movie.

Bye, Kareem.

Grab it. Grab it.

When did that get here?

Chris dropped off
half the wall cake

to feed the boys.

Ooh, I'd love some wall cake.

No, no, no, baby.
No... baby, baby.

Baby... baby, it's 33 minutes
to shake time.

You don't want to ruin
your shake.

Gary, this has to stop.

I was just putting chap stick
on my lips

and ate the whole damn thing!

You're right.

Who are we starving
ourselves for, huh?

So what, we don't have
the same energy

as those people
in that wedding photo?

Who the hell are they
to judge us?

Yes!

Those jerks don't have
four kids!

No!

You know what, baby?

You are just as fun
and beautiful as you were

the day I married you.

- That was a good day.
- Mm-hmm.

I seem to remember
you feeding me cake...

That day.

I seem to remember
you feeding me cake...

That day.

- You bite my finger.
- Uh, baby!