Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Bathroom Incident - full transcript

Guys with kid is taped
in front of a live studio audience.

Mmm.

Oh, lord, look away
Freddie, look away.

The good news is I'm
raising him to think that

this game is called slice and
I'm the best in the world.

Chris, I'm gonna ***
diaper for later.

You didn’t bring diapers again?

What would you do if
I was not around?

*** from Gary.

No!

Why not?



Because this is what
didn't happen this morning.

"Honey, I'm gonna spend the day
with the twins,

but I'm gonna pack extra
supplies for my adult friend."

You know what, Nick?
It's... it's fine.

Here, take a couple.

I got to run anyway
and put Ernie down for his nap.

Don't go.
Relax.

You're having fun.
Ernie's having fun.

"Relax, have fun"...
you know, historically,

listening to that advice
from you has ended badly for me.

"Relax! It's totally cool to
wear a Yankees hat at Fenway."

Yeah!
Yeah, we got the crap

kicked out of us that day.

I lost my peripheral vision.
Anyway, I can't stay.



Ernie's got to stay
on his nap schedule.

Gary, back me up on this.

Don't look at me.

I have four boys
all under the age of eight.

My only schedule is to cry
a little every morning.

Ifif Ernie doesn't nap...

Chris? Chris?
You know what? I get it.

It's your first kid, okay?

But if he misses a nap
once in a while,

it's not the end of the world.

And if it is, I regret having
a nicoise salad as my last meal.

All right, you know what?

Maybe you're right.
I'll stay.

Good.

Hup!

Not again.

Chris, why are all
your new clubs so slippery?

♪ Life is how you live it ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ Wake up where you want to be ♪

♪ Hey, hey

- ♪ You and me.
- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ We're happy.
- ♪ Ooh, hey

♪ We need our friends like the sun ♪

♪ Everybody singin'

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ Everybody singin'

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

I got to hand it to you, Nick.
This day is working out.

I got to play golf.
Ernie napped on the subway.

And you napped
on the subway too.

We had a competition
to see who could throw

the most puffs in your mouth.

This guy named Doug won.

- Ready, Gary?
- Oh, yep.

Where you guys going?

I asked your wife to help me
organize my apartment.

You know, there's a lot
of junk up there,

and Marny
won't throw anything away.

You know, we have a drawer full
of baby hair and lost teeth?

We could almost build
another person.

Well, Gary, you got
the right woman for the job.

She keeps a label maker
in a box labeled "label maker."

Hmm.

This label maker
is the only thing

standing between us
and chaos, Nick.

Chaos.

Can you empty the dishwasher
while I'm gone?

On it.

Thank you.
You've got the boys?

Yeah, they're in the box
labeled "boys."

- Where are the boys?
- They're around here somewhere.

Should we put them
in the octagon, just to be safe?

Please. When I was little,
my mom used to send us out

to play in the woods...

the woods, where bears live.

Yeah, but your mom is...

An angel? Is that what you
were gonna say, Chris...

that my mother is an angel?

Looks like I found the boys.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Nick, why aren't you
opening the door?

Because it's locked.

What?

Huh. Look at that...
it's locked for you too.

Declutter?

I don't need help de-cluttering,
'cause everything is fine.

Really?
Fine?

Without looking down,
what color is our rug?

We have a rug?

Look, sometimes it's good
to have a third party come in

to help you determine what
you need and what you don't.

Emily, really,
this is unnecessary.

You should just be home
with your family,

minding your own...

I don't want to say "business,"
'cause that sounds rude.

I promise
it's gonna feel so good

once we start
throwing stuff out.

Good!
Hey, let's start

with her six bags
of old maternity clothes.

Hold on!

What if I want
to have another baby?

Not with me, you're not.

Well, I might meet
another man... younger, richer.

Great! Then he can buy you
new maternity clothes.

Sounds like these should go
in the charity pile.

Mm.
Charity pile.

- How's this feeling?
- Good.

- Good.
- No, not good.

Great!
Keep it going.

Oh, hey. Oh, no, no, no.

Emily, you don't have
to worry about those.

These are mine.

Oh, well,
why do you still need these?

Are you still selling
commercial real estate?

- I did.
- Eight years ago!

- Sounds like garbage to me!
- No, Emily!

Emily, we're here to focus
on Marny's stuff.

Well, I don't see
Marny's stuff or Gary's stuff.

I just see stuff.

It's my gift.
It's my curse.

How's that feel?

Good. Good.

Yeah, no, we tried that,

but the safety mechanism
must be broken.

Okay, okay, just get here
as soon as you can.

Maintenance guy's on his way.

Oh, we don't need
the maintenance guy.

I will get the boys to open
the door from the inside.

I'm coaxing them
with a feather.

A feather?

Yeah, yeah, that's how they
got those Chilean miners out.

Hey, man,
I got to stop your wife.

You got a taser?

Uh, once she's organizing,
she can't be stopped.

The taser just makes her mad.

But she's throwing away
all my old work stuff...

business cards, files,
and my desktop zen garden!

How am I supposed to relax
without my desktop zen garden?

Well, you could try
setting warehouse fires.

That worked for my cousin.

Chris, I'm gonna need you
to store all that

in your apartment, all right?

We're a little busy
right now, okay?

Nick got the kids
locked in the bathroom.

Correction... Nick got the kids
unlocked from the bathroom.

I got the doorknob off.

Now watch as the door
swings wide open.

Well, not only
have I not solved the problem,

but I can say with confidence
I have made it worse.

You know, when Freddie
makes that face,

it means he's going number two.

I got it.
I got it.

Hey.
Don't worry, kids!

String cheese coming through,
all right?

Yeah. It's almost
like they designed string cheese

to fit through doorknob holes.

This must be more common
than we think.

Okay, Ernie
doesn't like string cheese.

Plus, it's dinnertime.

He only eats chicken
vegetable medley, okay?

And if he doesn't get fed soon,
there will be crying...

first from him, then from me,
and I will see to it also you.

We will figure something out.

Well, how do you expect
to feed him?

Do... do you have a spoon
that's six feet long?

I do.

I can't believe
this is working.

Yeah, I thought
about this one night

sitting across the table
from Marny,

and I really wanted
to eat her jell-o.

Okay, uh, four degrees
to the left.

- Okay.
- Good, all right,

okay, almost there.

Come on, Ernie. Come on.

Take a bite... one last bite.

Okay, guys, we're gonna have
to sing the song again.

It's the only way he'll finish.
No, no. I cannot do it.

I can't sing the song, man.

It's gonna be stuck
in my head forever.

- Come on.
- Just start high.

♪ I ate some food,
and I liked it ♪

♪ chicken
and vegetable medley ♪

♪ I ate some food,
just to try it ♪

♪ I hope my tummy
don't mind it ♪

♪ food is so good,
food is so right ♪

♪ please eat your dinner
tonight ♪

Oh, good boy!
Good boy, Ernie!

Okay, he ate it.
Nice work, everyone. Whoo!

All right. Great.
I got to get back upstairs.

I can almost feel them throwing
away all of my old cologne.

Where am I gonna
find a new bottle of canoe?

I got to get your wife
out of my apartment.

Hey, no, no, no, no!
You got to keep her there.

Emily cannot know about this.
Why?

Because a couple years ago,
Violet locked herself

in a bathroom
very much like this one.

Actually, it was this one,

and the mechanism
to pop the lock

from the outside was broken.

You knew the lock was broken?

Can we save all of our
questions till the end, please?

Great.

The difference was that Violet

was old enough to open the door
from the inside,

and I told Emily that
I was gonna get the lock fixed,

and then I forgot.

And if she ever finds out
about this,

she's gonna hold it against me
for the rest of my life.

Hey, you choose to lie to
your wife, that's your problem.

Gary, she's never gonna
let me swing Freddie around

by his little arms again.

His arms could come
out of the sockets!

That's not gonna happen.

Look, okay,
you're gonna owe me...

I-I mean, big-time owe me.

You're gonna have to wash
my high chairs.

I mean, deep-clean them,
like, take the covers off.

Yes. Done.
Thank you.

Unbelievable.

You knew the lock was broken,

and you still
didn't get it fixed.

You know, Chris,
uh, a couple years ago,

I did make a phone call to a guy
about getting the lock fixed,

but, uh, you clicked in
on the other line,

and I chose to take
your call instead.

And I hoped like hell I'd never
have to tell you about that.

Shut up!

Where the hell
is the maintenance guy?

You know what?
We don't even need him.

It's fine.
We don't need him.

Ooh!

What was that?

I thought maybe this
is one of those times

when a parent
develops hulk strength.

- Did you?
- No.

- No, you didn't.
- No.

Dad! Emily threw away
all of our play-doh!

It's a bloodbath!

What? Come here.

Marny, I know this
has been hard for you,

but you have been great.
Thanks.

You know, I actually feel
lighter and clearer,

- if you know what I mean.
- I do!

I do know what you mean!

Now, you're gonna want to chase
that organizational high

for the rest of your life!

Okay.

Well, I guess it's time
for me to go home,

because my job here is done.

Whoa, whoa.
No, you can't go home just yet.

- Why not?
- Because Nick...

because I'm still hiding
all my old files

and things
that are still special to me.

Help me.
I'm a hoarder.

I can fix it, no problem...

If some genius
hadn't taken the doorknob off.

You?

Well, you know, that could've
been anyone, really.

So there's nothing you can do?

It's really a lock problem.

You should've called
a locksmith.

Who's the genius
who called me... you?

Actually, that was Chris.

I don't need
to know your names.

Thank you so much, Victor,
for coming by.

We will factor all of this
into your Christmas bonus.

Bonus?

Oh, you mean the donation you
made in my name

to the rock and roll museum?

That's our charity.

That does not sound good.

Oh, okay, now they're playing
in toilet water!

All right, well, you don't
have to make it sound

like a bad thing.

They're... they're playing
in toilet water!

See, it's all in the attitude.

You just... you need to relax...
Do not tell me to relax!

Okay, you know why
I'm not relaxed?

Because I've hung out
with you all these years.

Oh, why should I bring diapers?
Chris'll have them.

Why should I take notes
in class? Chris'll do it.

Why should I pay rent?

I'll sleep on Chris' couch
for a year after college,

chip all his mugs.

I will call a locksmith.
Calm down.

No, you know what?
I'm done listening to you, okay?

Our kids are locked
in a bathroom,

and I'm getting them out
right now.

Yeah, by the way,
I still have your hammer.

All right, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna make a hole in the wall.

I'm gonna reach in.

I'm gonna have the kids
pass me the handle.

I'm gonna pop the lock back on
and open it from the inside.

I'm sorry. What?

Don't worry, Ernie.
Daddy's coming.

Hey, are you crazy?

Right now?
Yes!

What am I supposed
to tell Emily?

Tell her to rela-a-x!

Hey, hey, hey, I can't hold
your wife off much longer.

What's going on?
He freaked out.

He's screwing up my apartment.

Well, you are screwing up
my life,

which I'm used to, except that
now you're screwing up my kid.

Hey, hey, hey, guys!

Calm down before we say
something we can't take back.

You don't need my help
screwing up your kid,

'cause you're doing just fine
on your own.

Yeah, you're turning Ernie

into an uptight mess
just like yourself.

Well, I guarantee Freddie's

the one who locked them
in the bathroom

doing dumb-ass stuff
like his dumb-ass dad.

Okay, let's not say
more than three things

that we can't take back...
let's cap it at three.

I am done listening to you.

What...

okay.

I'm gonna reach in,
and get this handle back on,

and get the hell out of here.

Ow.
Damn it!

- What's wrong?
- I can't get my arm out.

It's stuck on a nail
or something.

Good!

Oh, what's the matter?
Your little t-Rex arms

too short to get me, huh?

Ah!

I misjudged the distance 'cause
I have no peripheral vision.

You know, guys, I think
this will go a lot faster

if you just cut his arm off.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Now... now, please,
get the kids out.

- All right.
- And may I suggest doing

as much damage to the apartment
as possible?

Just give us some room.

We'll have them out
in a couple minutes.

Hey, I have a couple questions.

Hey, when you got the call,
did you slide down the pole?

Did you use the siren?

I don't see the dog.
Is the dog here?

- Sir, please, just step back.
- Okay.

Hey, hey, I hear you guys eat
a lot of chili... is that true?

Thank God you're okay.

I don't want you hanging out
with this kid anymore.

He's gonna get you both
thrown in jail.

Well, at least he won't be
a constant bummer like your dad.

"We shouldn't use the student
discounts... it's summertime"!

You know what? I'm done.
I'm done taking care of you.

You don't want to be friends

with someone
who's a constant bummer?

Guess what... you're not anymore.
Good!

Yeah...

We never used to fight
before we had kids.

But that's not a dis on you.

I love you.

It's okay.

Nick?

Yeah, he's...

he did it.

- Is he strapped in?
- No, he doesn't like that.

He'll be fine.

Oh, just like he was fine

when you locked him
in the bathroom?

See, Freddie,
I am never gonna live this down,

and because of that, we will
probably never be able to play

the "let go of the stroller
for a second on the hill" game.

- You're still doing that?
- No!

Ha!

All right,
well, have fun at the park

while I'm here
fixing your apartment.

Yeah, thank you, Victor,
for taking time away

from your job to do your job.

Who's smoking cigarettes for you
up on the roof

while you're down here?

Don't get mad at Victor.

You're the one
who destroyed our apartment.

Me?
Okay, try Chris.

He's the one who went crazy
and put a hole in our wall.

No, Nick.
He didn't go crazy.

You made him crazy.

I'm sorry.
Are you taking his side?

There is only his side.

Nick, everything you do,
you always try to make it fun.

It's what I love about you,

but you have to know
that sometimes

it can be very exhausting
to the people around you.

Now, I'm your wife,
and you make cute babies,

so I put up with it,
and I forgive it,

but Chris doesn't have to.

So I'm the one
who owes the apology.

Yes, because it's all
your fault.

I'll go talk to him.

Sure.

Go play with your friend
while I fix your place.

That's your job.

Yeah, and I love my job,

which is more than you can say.

I have the greatest job
in the world.

I direct commercials.
I love my job.

Oh.

And the secret ingredient is...

Uhh! Pear!

Hey!

I found something
very interesting

shoved in the back
of Clark and Yoda's closet...

all of your stuff
that we threw away.

You know, the boys
must've done this.

You know how much kids

love commercial real estate
promotional material.

Mm.

Gary, look, I know
I didn't want to throw away

all the old baby stuff,
but that's just a mom thing.

But you...

Your business cards,
your briefcase...

What's going on?

Look, babe,
I know it's hard to believe,

but one day all of our kids

are gonna be
in school full-time...

Maybe even boarding school

somewhere far, far away!

And I'm gonna need
something to do.

And I feel if I throw out
all that stuff,

somehow, I'm throwing out

all my connections
to my old life...

And I won't be able
to find my way back.

All right,
I know it sounds stupid.

Yeah.

Gary, you were great
at your job.

You are great
as a stay-at-home dad,

and I have absolutely no doubt
that you will be great

at whatever you decide
to do next.

So...

Do I get to keep
all my old stuff?

If that's what you need to do.

Can we keep our stuff?

No!

What do you want?

I am not here for you.
I am here to speak with Ernie.

May I please enter?

Hi, Ernie.

I, uh...

I just came down here
to apologize.

I, uh...

I'm very sorry that I alone

was the cause of you
getting trapped in the bathroom.

I also said some things
that I didn't mean.

You are not going to be
a constant bummer like your dad.

If anything,
he's very responsible,

and that's... that's good,
because that means

that he's there for me
when I need him.

If it weren't for him,
your buddy Freddie over there

would've died of diaper rash
a long time ago,

and I would be covered
in Mario brothertattoos, so...

I just wanted to tell you that,

and, uh, maybe your dad
has something

he'd like to say to Freddie?

Hey, Fred.

Uh...

Hi.

Yeah.

I know I said, uh, that you're
gonna end up in prison,

but if you're anything
like your dad,

it'll be one hell of a story.

Montreal, new year's Eve, 2001.

Yeah. Apparently
we took a mountie's horse

for a joyride,

woke up in a Canadian jail.

They had the best
breakfast buffet there.

We stayed for three extra days,
made a whole trip out of it.

It was good.

I hope you and Ernie
have as much fun together

as your dad and I have had...

Without all
the boating accidents,

the torn acls,
the lost security deposits.

It should say on the hot tub

that you can't bring it out
onto a balcony.

So, um...

What do you say, Ernie?

You forgive me?

Thank you.

Come here, buddy.

Yeah.

We forgive you.

But this Christmas,
you are not making a donation

in his name
to the rock and roll museum.

I mean, I'll have
to talk to Emily, but...

Okay, come on, guys.
Whose baby did it?

- Not it.
- Not it over here.

Oh, my God, we are so it.

- Here's a diaper.
- Uh, buh, buh, buh...

you offend me, sir.

I have fully packed
my diaper bag.

No.
Impossible.

I got diapers, wipes,
ointment, sunscreen,

teething tablets, burp cloths.

I, too, can be
the responsible one.

- Well, lookee here!
- Way to go.

Unfortunately,
the diaper bag itself

is at home in my apartment...

As is my wallet.
Chris, your paying for lunch!