Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Apartment Halloween - full transcript
Guys with kid is taped
in front of a live studio audience.
Wow.
This is looking good.
More stuff than last year.
Oh yeah.
Man, I sunk wy whole 401(k) into this stuff.
Savvy.
It's blood, Uncle Gary.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, it's very beautiful.
Your daughter is super weird.
Ok, look Sheila.
Ernie's not afraid
of the decorations.
Halloween's gonna be fine.
Okay.
You're right.
But my main concern
is still that Nick is here,
and Ernie's not up to date
on his shots.
Wait a minute, Sheila.
- Hmm?
- If you're here, then...
Who's this?
Ah!
Guys, guys,
I can't do it anymore.
The bickering has to stop.
Our sons are best friends.
We all live
in the same building now.
Please just grow up,
and start getting along.
Okay.
Chris, I will... I will try.
Sheila, will you be my friend?
See, that was funny.
Hey, everybody.
We got some bad news.
Bad news?
Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold this.
Okay, please continue.
The head of the apartment
co-op board, miss Cane,
is dead.
Oh, that's terrible.
How?
How am I supposed to know?
What do I look like,
the grim reaper?
♪ Life is how you live it ♪
♪ ooh
♪ wake up
where you want to be ♪
♪ hey, hey
- ♪ you and me.
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ we're happy.
- ♪ Ooh
♪ we need our friends
like the sun ♪
♪ everybody singin'
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
♪ everybody singin'
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
Clark! I called bathroom
after Yoda!
You snooze, you lose.
Baby.
Baby!
Miss Cane from next door...
she's dead.
Oh, no.
Oh.
- Was that long enough?
- Yep!
Oh!
We finally get to buy her place
and expand our apartment.
Yes, and Clark and Yoda
can have their own bedrooms!
Oh! And we get
another bathroom.
Yes.
Clark!
What are you doing in there?
Can't a boy have some privacy?
What happened to our stuff?
Who did this?
Daddy.
"Your Halloween decorations
are in violation
of co-op board bylaws,"
signed, "Linda Allmendinger,
your new co-op board president."
We don't get to do
the haunted hallway?
No, no, no, no.
Of course we do.
Daddy's gonna find this woman.
He's gonna straighten
everything out.
Nick, you do not want to get
on the bad side
of the co-op board.
They have approval
over everything.
Dorothy Harris put unauthorized
azaleas on her balcony.
They turned off her water.
I saw her in the hallway...
filthy.
I will be nice, I promise.
All right.
Chris, let's go.
Why do I have to go?
'Cause I never go anywhere
without my lawyer.
In college, you went to see
sugar ray without me.
You went with Jay Zambelli.
I've told you a thousand times.
They were his tickets.
He invited me.
I know, so just don't tell
people you take me everywhere
'cause you don't!
Hey, Victor.
Is it all right if we check
miss Cane's place out?
Sure.
I'm just cleaning it up.
I got dibs
on her vinegar, though.
I can't believe her kids
didn't want her vinegar.
You know, we're thinking
about buying the place, man,
knocking this wall down.
Turning it into bedrooms
for our boys.
Well, you should know
that co-op rules state
that any available apartment
has to be put
on the market for a week
before any current tenant
can buy it.
Wait.
So some other people
can buy it out from under us.
I've been decorating
this place in my head
ever since miss Cane started
wearing a night gown
everywhere she went.
- Sheila...
- Yah.
What are you doing here?
Oh, the new co-op president
confiscated
my welcome mat
and autumnal wreath
because they were in violation
of some uniformity code,
and she fined me for installing
a customized doorbell...
Mozart's serenade
number 13 in "G" major.
Mine goes, "bing-bong."
I can't live like that.
So I'm here to make nice
and get on her good side.
We're here to do the same.
She took down
Nick's haunted hallway.
Hey!
This is for you.
Congratulations
on your new appointment, Linda.
I'm Nick Thayer,
your seventh-floor neighbor
downstairs.
I know who you are.
You're the one with the illegal
Halloween decorations.
Terrible.
Oh, and you're the one
who thinks
she can do anything she wants
to her apartment she pleases.
Oh.
Chris Campbell, apartment 810?
Is that you out there?
Come in.
Come in.
I don't know if you remember,
but we actually shared
an elevator ride last week.
You wore that great,
blue v-neck sweater.
Oh, my God.
I also love him
in that sweater.
Hey, so since we're learning
that we're so like-minded,
maybe you can make an exception
for my doormat and my doorbell.
No. No exceptions.
I'm sorry.
Is it because she
didn't bring a gift?
That's tacky.
Come on, guys.
What do you say you, uh,
pop that bad boy open,
we talk
about my decorations, huh?
Those decorations are a hazard.
If you put them back up,
I will fine you $500.
But I got permission
from miss Cane.
But I got
permission from miss Cane.
Miss Cane is dead, and so is
your Halloween hallway.
You should do
a push-up contest.
I think you'd win.
Violet is gonna be so bummed
when she finds out we can't do
the haunted hallway.
How are you gonna break it
to her?
Me?
How come you always
get to be the fun one,
and I always have to be
the wet blanket?
Why can't I ever be
the... Dry blanket?
You know, it's just one
of those things that's in place.
You know, there's always
the bad-news parent
and the good-news parent.
I mean, I agree.
It's crazy unfair.
Hey, Violet!
Mom wants to talk to you.
Violet, honey.
Because of a building rule,
we can't have
our haunted hallway.
- No!
- I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Not fair.
This is the worst day
of my life.
- A little help, please.
- Okay, okay.
There's... there's times
in life when...
When daddy swoops in
and saves the day.
We're still having
a haunted hallway!
- Nick!
- Daddy's the best.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't stand
to disappoint her, okay?
I'm gonna...
I'll think of something.
Well, enjoy being the
good-news parent while it lasts.
Next chance we have to be
irresponsible, I'm taking it.
Hey.
Check it out, creepy Linda
left this on my door.
She's giving me
an extra storage unit
in the basement
for doing nothing.
She doesn't even know me.
She just likes the way I look.
And I mean, yes,
I used to be a model,
so it all makes sense, but...
A model?
You were in
our college admissions brochure.
I was on the cover,
and admissions went up.
What could you possibly want?
I have a way to keep
my haunted hallway
for my daughter
and for you to get
your doorbell back.
I'm listening.
We have a common enemy...
Linda.
And we also have something
that she wants... Chris.
Well, why do you need me?
For my plan to work,
we need to give Chris
what he wants.
You and me should...
Be friends.
It's "you and I"
should be friends.
This is gonna be awful.
Okay, they're showing
the apartment.
We just have to convince
whoever's trying to buy it
that living there
is a bad idea, all right?
Clarkie, Yoda, let's show them
how annoying you can be.
All right?
This place is perfect.
Hi.
I'm Marny,
and this is my husband Gary.
- How are you?
- We live next-door.
And these are our sons.
This is Yoda.
He plays the recorder.
And that's Clarkie.
He plays the drums.
They keep practicing, but...
They just keep getting worse.
Oh, no, they're sweet.
We love children.
You're kidding.
Yeah,
I build recording studios.
I can just soundproof that wall,
no problem.
Of all the damn people
in New York City.
Did you know
the previous tenants?
Did they like living here?
Oh. Yeah.
Miss Cane loved the place.
The only reason she left
is because she died here.
Wait.
Died in this apartment?
Yes.
Yes, she did.
As a matter of fact, she died
in that exact same spot
that you're standing.
Oh, well, there too.
She kind of...
Exploded.
Hey! Nice meeting you.
Two weeks.
No one found her for two weeks.
By then,
the ants had finished
most of her.
Oh, by the way,
the place has ants.
There is one good thing
about the haunting, though.
It's always ten degrees
cooler in here
than any other part
of the building.
But on the downside,
miss Cane's ghost
does come out.
Okay, okay.
You're spooking me out. Stop.
Hey, I got your text.
Sheila,
what are you doing here?
You asked Nick and me
to get along,
so we're here to tell you
we are now friends.
Just like that?
Just like that.
Um, excuse me.
Could we get my friend here
another plate of curly fries?
I keep eating off his plate
because we're friends.
Okay, why?
Why are you friends?
Because you asked us to be.
And now to keep things fair,
we're going to ask
something of you.
Yes.
And you're not gonna want
to be holding a baby for this.
Come here.
Oh, hi.
Linda, over here.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Chris.
Look, I'm so glad
that Nick and Sheila told me
you wanted to get
to know me better.
They did what?
You look like
you could use a drink.
A Manhattan...
I am getting you a Manhattan...
Heavy on the "man."
Okay.
What's the story?
You two will only get along
if I date her?
Just long enough
to keep her distracted
for the rest of the night,
so I can pull off Halloween
behind her back.
And you also need
to sweet-talk her
into letting me do whatever
I want to my apartment.
My looks continue to be
an obstacle in my life.
Okay, if I do it,
you guys'll be friends.
- Yes.
- Forever?
Oh, I don't know.
That's a long time.
How dare you?
Forever or nothing.
Fine.
Forever.
Ugh.
The unholy alliances
you make for your children.
And your doorbell.
First time I saw you,
it was crazy.
You looked so familiar to me.
Was it from the cover of the
Northwestern admissions brochure
ten years ago?
- This is fun.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's always good
when close friends
are out together.
You know, close friends will
often show affection and hug.
Right, guys?
Why don't you two
just give each other a hug?
Yeah, come on.
Now, since you guys
are best friends,
you might want to share
something, like your food.
Sheila, have a bite
of Nick's burger.
I don't want to do that.
He's already eaten it.
That's what friends do.
They share with each other.
Take a bite.
Yeah.
Right?
Come on, Sheila.
Nick already
started it for you.
Get in there!
Get the good stuff!
Who cares that his breath's
been all over it?
Good.
Good. Almost done.
Almost through.
Just concentrate
on your breathing.
- There you go.
- Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, your friendship
is so heartwarming to me.
Mmm.
And to think,
it'll be like this forever.
Uhhuh. Do you want to go
back to my place?
Uh...
All of us?
Just you and me.
There's something
I'd like to give you.
It's private.
All right.
Let's go.
Ah!
Hooray!
Aah!
Ugh!
Oh, God!
The required week is over.
That apartment
is as good as ours.
Boys, you're gonna have
your own rooms!
There's no way
we're living there.
Why not?
Because it's haunted.
I heard miss Cane's
chest exploded,
and centipedes came out.
You heard that from me.
I made it up!
Those are just stories.
Come on, guys.
I tell you what, I'll let you
choose your own wallpaper.
Oh, yeah?
Will you let us choose
our own coffins?
Death comes to all those
who enter.
What about those creepy twins
who stand in the corner
and sing?
That's you, you ding-a-lings!
- Brains!
- Brains!
Brains?
No brains for you guys?
Okay.
- Any sign of Allmendinger?
- No. No.
Nick, I have said this
only eight times in my life,
and all of them
were to my assistant,
so savor it.
You did an okay job.
Thank you, Sheila.
So Ernie is frankenstein,
and you...
Fell asleep,
and someone upholstered you.
No, I'm Mary shelley,
who wrote frankenstein.
Why am I always the only women's
romantic lit major at parties?
Because they're parties.
And I say that to you
as a friend.
So how do you think
Chris is doing with Linda?
Well, one night with her
can't be nearly as bad
as six years with you.
- Hey!
God, I'm sorry.
You know, this whole you and I
being friends thing
is so unnatural.
It's "you and me."
So all you wanted to give me
were these clothes?
Yes.
How do they fit?
Good, I guess.
Oh, I just knew they would.
All right, let's take a peek.
You look perfect.
Come. Sit.
Oh!
The resemblance
is even more striking
than I ever thought
it could be.
Resemblance to whom,
Robert Wagner?
My father.
He left for a pack
of cigarettes in 1975
and never came back.
You look exactly like him.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
on a date with Linda.
She's not interested in me.
She wants me to be her dad.
She dressed me as her dad.
A deal's a deal, man.
I hugged Sheila.
Be her dad.
Wear socks with sandals,
and embarrass her
in front of her friends.
Victor, take it down!
Take it all down!
Come on, Linda.
If you don't clear this hall
right now,
I'm gonna make your lives
such a living hell
that you'll want to move out.
But you won't be able
to move out
because I'll block
all potential buyers.
Okay.
Okay, Linda.
Daddy, what's happening?
I'll do it.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to say it,
but I think we lost,
and we have to take down
the haunted hallway.
Is what the bad-news parent
would say.
Violet, we are keeping
our haunted hallway.
Oh, no, you're not.
We are too keeping it.
This might not be the moment.
I am not scared of you.
You know why?
You want to know why?
You want to know why?
I will tell you why.
You want to know why?
Because next election,
I'm running against you.
I'm running against you too.
And I am going to win.
We'll see.
Now get off my floor!
Victor, take me home!
Again? How come
we never go to my place?
Mommy's the best.
Yeah, she certainly is.
Yes.
So you're running
for co-op board president.
Did I say that?
Oh. Being
the good-news parent's fun.
You just say anything you want.
Violet, let's blow off school
tomorrow and eat candy.
Okay, until we get Linda
off the board,
she is going to make our lives
impossible.
We got to figure out a way
to make her happy.
We'll get Chris to take her
in an R.V. To the Grand Canyon.
Ah, yes.
- Little father-daughter trip.
- Uh-huh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't like this.
You two being together
is not good for me.
- You wanted us to be friends.
- Yeah.
No, deal's off.
Deal's off.
I'm never going anywhere
near Linda again,
so you two can stop pretending
to like each other, okay?
Come on, Ernie.
Let's go trick-or-treating
and create memories
you'll forget in an hour.
- Well, we tried.
- Yeah.
You know, Sheila, Chris does
have a point about one thing.
Now that you live
in the building,
you know, we're gonna be
seeing a lot more of each other.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying, you know,
I think you should move
out of the building.
Nice hallway, Nick.
You really did do
a wonderful job.
Well, don't be nice to me
and make me feel bad about it.
That's not cool.
See, it's just
an empty apartment.
Nothing to be afraid of.
No miss Cane,
no miss Cane's ghost.
It was all made up...
By us.
You guys are getting older,
all right?
You can't let your imagination
run away from you like that.
- Okay, dad.
- All right.
Lights go out
all the time, right?
Did it just get cold in here
all of a sudden?
I feel something
on the back of my leg.
- Is it a centipede?
- It just might be, Clarkie.
It just might be.
Okay, look, guys,
I think we should pass
on this apartment.
What do you say?
- Yeah.
Okay.
What do you say, Marny?
Marny?
I'm already home.
Let's go.
Let's go.
in front of a live studio audience.
Wow.
This is looking good.
More stuff than last year.
Oh yeah.
Man, I sunk wy whole 401(k) into this stuff.
Savvy.
It's blood, Uncle Gary.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, it's very beautiful.
Your daughter is super weird.
Ok, look Sheila.
Ernie's not afraid
of the decorations.
Halloween's gonna be fine.
Okay.
You're right.
But my main concern
is still that Nick is here,
and Ernie's not up to date
on his shots.
Wait a minute, Sheila.
- Hmm?
- If you're here, then...
Who's this?
Ah!
Guys, guys,
I can't do it anymore.
The bickering has to stop.
Our sons are best friends.
We all live
in the same building now.
Please just grow up,
and start getting along.
Okay.
Chris, I will... I will try.
Sheila, will you be my friend?
See, that was funny.
Hey, everybody.
We got some bad news.
Bad news?
Wait, wait, hold on.
Hold this.
Okay, please continue.
The head of the apartment
co-op board, miss Cane,
is dead.
Oh, that's terrible.
How?
How am I supposed to know?
What do I look like,
the grim reaper?
♪ Life is how you live it ♪
♪ ooh
♪ wake up
where you want to be ♪
♪ hey, hey
- ♪ you and me.
- ♪ Ooh
- ♪ we're happy.
- ♪ Ooh
♪ we need our friends
like the sun ♪
♪ everybody singin'
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
♪ everybody singin'
♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪
Clark! I called bathroom
after Yoda!
You snooze, you lose.
Baby.
Baby!
Miss Cane from next door...
she's dead.
Oh, no.
Oh.
- Was that long enough?
- Yep!
Oh!
We finally get to buy her place
and expand our apartment.
Yes, and Clark and Yoda
can have their own bedrooms!
Oh! And we get
another bathroom.
Yes.
Clark!
What are you doing in there?
Can't a boy have some privacy?
What happened to our stuff?
Who did this?
Daddy.
"Your Halloween decorations
are in violation
of co-op board bylaws,"
signed, "Linda Allmendinger,
your new co-op board president."
We don't get to do
the haunted hallway?
No, no, no, no.
Of course we do.
Daddy's gonna find this woman.
He's gonna straighten
everything out.
Nick, you do not want to get
on the bad side
of the co-op board.
They have approval
over everything.
Dorothy Harris put unauthorized
azaleas on her balcony.
They turned off her water.
I saw her in the hallway...
filthy.
I will be nice, I promise.
All right.
Chris, let's go.
Why do I have to go?
'Cause I never go anywhere
without my lawyer.
In college, you went to see
sugar ray without me.
You went with Jay Zambelli.
I've told you a thousand times.
They were his tickets.
He invited me.
I know, so just don't tell
people you take me everywhere
'cause you don't!
Hey, Victor.
Is it all right if we check
miss Cane's place out?
Sure.
I'm just cleaning it up.
I got dibs
on her vinegar, though.
I can't believe her kids
didn't want her vinegar.
You know, we're thinking
about buying the place, man,
knocking this wall down.
Turning it into bedrooms
for our boys.
Well, you should know
that co-op rules state
that any available apartment
has to be put
on the market for a week
before any current tenant
can buy it.
Wait.
So some other people
can buy it out from under us.
I've been decorating
this place in my head
ever since miss Cane started
wearing a night gown
everywhere she went.
- Sheila...
- Yah.
What are you doing here?
Oh, the new co-op president
confiscated
my welcome mat
and autumnal wreath
because they were in violation
of some uniformity code,
and she fined me for installing
a customized doorbell...
Mozart's serenade
number 13 in "G" major.
Mine goes, "bing-bong."
I can't live like that.
So I'm here to make nice
and get on her good side.
We're here to do the same.
She took down
Nick's haunted hallway.
Hey!
This is for you.
Congratulations
on your new appointment, Linda.
I'm Nick Thayer,
your seventh-floor neighbor
downstairs.
I know who you are.
You're the one with the illegal
Halloween decorations.
Terrible.
Oh, and you're the one
who thinks
she can do anything she wants
to her apartment she pleases.
Oh.
Chris Campbell, apartment 810?
Is that you out there?
Come in.
Come in.
I don't know if you remember,
but we actually shared
an elevator ride last week.
You wore that great,
blue v-neck sweater.
Oh, my God.
I also love him
in that sweater.
Hey, so since we're learning
that we're so like-minded,
maybe you can make an exception
for my doormat and my doorbell.
No. No exceptions.
I'm sorry.
Is it because she
didn't bring a gift?
That's tacky.
Come on, guys.
What do you say you, uh,
pop that bad boy open,
we talk
about my decorations, huh?
Those decorations are a hazard.
If you put them back up,
I will fine you $500.
But I got permission
from miss Cane.
But I got
permission from miss Cane.
Miss Cane is dead, and so is
your Halloween hallway.
You should do
a push-up contest.
I think you'd win.
Violet is gonna be so bummed
when she finds out we can't do
the haunted hallway.
How are you gonna break it
to her?
Me?
How come you always
get to be the fun one,
and I always have to be
the wet blanket?
Why can't I ever be
the... Dry blanket?
You know, it's just one
of those things that's in place.
You know, there's always
the bad-news parent
and the good-news parent.
I mean, I agree.
It's crazy unfair.
Hey, Violet!
Mom wants to talk to you.
Violet, honey.
Because of a building rule,
we can't have
our haunted hallway.
- No!
- I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Not fair.
This is the worst day
of my life.
- A little help, please.
- Okay, okay.
There's... there's times
in life when...
When daddy swoops in
and saves the day.
We're still having
a haunted hallway!
- Nick!
- Daddy's the best.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I can't stand
to disappoint her, okay?
I'm gonna...
I'll think of something.
Well, enjoy being the
good-news parent while it lasts.
Next chance we have to be
irresponsible, I'm taking it.
Hey.
Check it out, creepy Linda
left this on my door.
She's giving me
an extra storage unit
in the basement
for doing nothing.
She doesn't even know me.
She just likes the way I look.
And I mean, yes,
I used to be a model,
so it all makes sense, but...
A model?
You were in
our college admissions brochure.
I was on the cover,
and admissions went up.
What could you possibly want?
I have a way to keep
my haunted hallway
for my daughter
and for you to get
your doorbell back.
I'm listening.
We have a common enemy...
Linda.
And we also have something
that she wants... Chris.
Well, why do you need me?
For my plan to work,
we need to give Chris
what he wants.
You and me should...
Be friends.
It's "you and I"
should be friends.
This is gonna be awful.
Okay, they're showing
the apartment.
We just have to convince
whoever's trying to buy it
that living there
is a bad idea, all right?
Clarkie, Yoda, let's show them
how annoying you can be.
All right?
This place is perfect.
Hi.
I'm Marny,
and this is my husband Gary.
- How are you?
- We live next-door.
And these are our sons.
This is Yoda.
He plays the recorder.
And that's Clarkie.
He plays the drums.
They keep practicing, but...
They just keep getting worse.
Oh, no, they're sweet.
We love children.
You're kidding.
Yeah,
I build recording studios.
I can just soundproof that wall,
no problem.
Of all the damn people
in New York City.
Did you know
the previous tenants?
Did they like living here?
Oh. Yeah.
Miss Cane loved the place.
The only reason she left
is because she died here.
Wait.
Died in this apartment?
Yes.
Yes, she did.
As a matter of fact, she died
in that exact same spot
that you're standing.
Oh, well, there too.
She kind of...
Exploded.
Hey! Nice meeting you.
Two weeks.
No one found her for two weeks.
By then,
the ants had finished
most of her.
Oh, by the way,
the place has ants.
There is one good thing
about the haunting, though.
It's always ten degrees
cooler in here
than any other part
of the building.
But on the downside,
miss Cane's ghost
does come out.
Okay, okay.
You're spooking me out. Stop.
Hey, I got your text.
Sheila,
what are you doing here?
You asked Nick and me
to get along,
so we're here to tell you
we are now friends.
Just like that?
Just like that.
Um, excuse me.
Could we get my friend here
another plate of curly fries?
I keep eating off his plate
because we're friends.
Okay, why?
Why are you friends?
Because you asked us to be.
And now to keep things fair,
we're going to ask
something of you.
Yes.
And you're not gonna want
to be holding a baby for this.
Come here.
Oh, hi.
Linda, over here.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Chris.
Look, I'm so glad
that Nick and Sheila told me
you wanted to get
to know me better.
They did what?
You look like
you could use a drink.
A Manhattan...
I am getting you a Manhattan...
Heavy on the "man."
Okay.
What's the story?
You two will only get along
if I date her?
Just long enough
to keep her distracted
for the rest of the night,
so I can pull off Halloween
behind her back.
And you also need
to sweet-talk her
into letting me do whatever
I want to my apartment.
My looks continue to be
an obstacle in my life.
Okay, if I do it,
you guys'll be friends.
- Yes.
- Forever?
Oh, I don't know.
That's a long time.
How dare you?
Forever or nothing.
Fine.
Forever.
Ugh.
The unholy alliances
you make for your children.
And your doorbell.
First time I saw you,
it was crazy.
You looked so familiar to me.
Was it from the cover of the
Northwestern admissions brochure
ten years ago?
- This is fun.
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's always good
when close friends
are out together.
You know, close friends will
often show affection and hug.
Right, guys?
Why don't you two
just give each other a hug?
Yeah, come on.
Now, since you guys
are best friends,
you might want to share
something, like your food.
Sheila, have a bite
of Nick's burger.
I don't want to do that.
He's already eaten it.
That's what friends do.
They share with each other.
Take a bite.
Yeah.
Right?
Come on, Sheila.
Nick already
started it for you.
Get in there!
Get the good stuff!
Who cares that his breath's
been all over it?
Good.
Good. Almost done.
Almost through.
Just concentrate
on your breathing.
- There you go.
- Mmm, mmm.
Mmm, yeah.
Oh, your friendship
is so heartwarming to me.
Mmm.
And to think,
it'll be like this forever.
Uhhuh. Do you want to go
back to my place?
Uh...
All of us?
Just you and me.
There's something
I'd like to give you.
It's private.
All right.
Let's go.
Ah!
Hooray!
Aah!
Ugh!
Oh, God!
The required week is over.
That apartment
is as good as ours.
Boys, you're gonna have
your own rooms!
There's no way
we're living there.
Why not?
Because it's haunted.
I heard miss Cane's
chest exploded,
and centipedes came out.
You heard that from me.
I made it up!
Those are just stories.
Come on, guys.
I tell you what, I'll let you
choose your own wallpaper.
Oh, yeah?
Will you let us choose
our own coffins?
Death comes to all those
who enter.
What about those creepy twins
who stand in the corner
and sing?
That's you, you ding-a-lings!
- Brains!
- Brains!
Brains?
No brains for you guys?
Okay.
- Any sign of Allmendinger?
- No. No.
Nick, I have said this
only eight times in my life,
and all of them
were to my assistant,
so savor it.
You did an okay job.
Thank you, Sheila.
So Ernie is frankenstein,
and you...
Fell asleep,
and someone upholstered you.
No, I'm Mary shelley,
who wrote frankenstein.
Why am I always the only women's
romantic lit major at parties?
Because they're parties.
And I say that to you
as a friend.
So how do you think
Chris is doing with Linda?
Well, one night with her
can't be nearly as bad
as six years with you.
- Hey!
God, I'm sorry.
You know, this whole you and I
being friends thing
is so unnatural.
It's "you and me."
So all you wanted to give me
were these clothes?
Yes.
How do they fit?
Good, I guess.
Oh, I just knew they would.
All right, let's take a peek.
You look perfect.
Come. Sit.
Oh!
The resemblance
is even more striking
than I ever thought
it could be.
Resemblance to whom,
Robert Wagner?
My father.
He left for a pack
of cigarettes in 1975
and never came back.
You look exactly like him.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
on a date with Linda.
She's not interested in me.
She wants me to be her dad.
She dressed me as her dad.
A deal's a deal, man.
I hugged Sheila.
Be her dad.
Wear socks with sandals,
and embarrass her
in front of her friends.
Victor, take it down!
Take it all down!
Come on, Linda.
If you don't clear this hall
right now,
I'm gonna make your lives
such a living hell
that you'll want to move out.
But you won't be able
to move out
because I'll block
all potential buyers.
Okay.
Okay, Linda.
Daddy, what's happening?
I'll do it.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to say it,
but I think we lost,
and we have to take down
the haunted hallway.
Is what the bad-news parent
would say.
Violet, we are keeping
our haunted hallway.
Oh, no, you're not.
We are too keeping it.
This might not be the moment.
I am not scared of you.
You know why?
You want to know why?
You want to know why?
I will tell you why.
You want to know why?
Because next election,
I'm running against you.
I'm running against you too.
And I am going to win.
We'll see.
Now get off my floor!
Victor, take me home!
Again? How come
we never go to my place?
Mommy's the best.
Yeah, she certainly is.
Yes.
So you're running
for co-op board president.
Did I say that?
Oh. Being
the good-news parent's fun.
You just say anything you want.
Violet, let's blow off school
tomorrow and eat candy.
Okay, until we get Linda
off the board,
she is going to make our lives
impossible.
We got to figure out a way
to make her happy.
We'll get Chris to take her
in an R.V. To the Grand Canyon.
Ah, yes.
- Little father-daughter trip.
- Uh-huh.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't like this.
You two being together
is not good for me.
- You wanted us to be friends.
- Yeah.
No, deal's off.
Deal's off.
I'm never going anywhere
near Linda again,
so you two can stop pretending
to like each other, okay?
Come on, Ernie.
Let's go trick-or-treating
and create memories
you'll forget in an hour.
- Well, we tried.
- Yeah.
You know, Sheila, Chris does
have a point about one thing.
Now that you live
in the building,
you know, we're gonna be
seeing a lot more of each other.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying, you know,
I think you should move
out of the building.
Nice hallway, Nick.
You really did do
a wonderful job.
Well, don't be nice to me
and make me feel bad about it.
That's not cool.
See, it's just
an empty apartment.
Nothing to be afraid of.
No miss Cane,
no miss Cane's ghost.
It was all made up...
By us.
You guys are getting older,
all right?
You can't let your imagination
run away from you like that.
- Okay, dad.
- All right.
Lights go out
all the time, right?
Did it just get cold in here
all of a sudden?
I feel something
on the back of my leg.
- Is it a centipede?
- It just might be, Clarkie.
It just might be.
Okay, look, guys,
I think we should pass
on this apartment.
What do you say?
- Yeah.
Okay.
What do you say, Marny?
Marny?
I'm already home.
Let's go.
Let's go.