Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Gary's Day Off - full transcript

In front of
a live studio audience.

You know, I don't know
if Emily's gonna let

Freddie play football.
I hope not.

He's a tiny baby.
He'd get crushed out there.

Hi, guys.

Hey, boys.

Why don't you go in the back
and see if you can jump

from Chris's dresser to his bed.

I have given up on being
a good parent.

Marny's been at that conference
all week,

and I'm running out of ways
to entertain them.



Uh-oh.
Somebody's got a leaky faucet.

There are napkins
inches away from you.

Man, I am way past napkins.

I'm a human napkin.

I think you need
some time off, my friend,

away from the kids.
Oh, will you watch them?

Will I watch all four of them?

No, never, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever.

I will never do that, ever.

Get Marny to do it.

You're kidding, right?

Marny has never had all
four boys for a whole day.

She wouldn't know what to do.
Check this.

She once put an overnight diaper



on one of the twins
during the day.

An overnight diaper
is way too absorbent

for the daytime.

I think you definitely need
some time off, man.

♪ Why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

♪ everybody's singin' ♪

♪ why would you walk
when you can run? ♪

Risotto is served.

Eww!

Be polite.

Eww.

That is much better.

- Hi.
- Hey, Sheila.

Oh, right. It's Sunday night,

and all of you nice people
have dinner together.

And Nick.

Sheila, you should join us.

Chris made Risotto,
so we just might order pizza.

Oh, Sheila would love to,
but she can't.

Van Helsing's closing in on her,
and there's no time.

Chris.

I was wondering
if you might be able

to help me pack up
my apartment on Sunday.

- Oh, you're moving?
- Yeah.

My aunt moved last week.

She had a yard sale.

I never know what
to say to her.

Yeah, just a little closer
to here

to make it easier
to drop off Ernie.

Sorry, Sheila, I'm busy.

One of the senior partners
is retiring.

We're doing
a whole harbor cruise,

there's like a Caribbean theme.

Oh, ub40 is playing.

Mon.

- Don't do that.
- Okay.

Okay.
Well, maybe a different day.

All right.
Come on, little man.

Come here.
Ooh.

Oh, look at those cheeks.
I love these cheeks.

Are you storing nuts
in these cheeks?

How can she ask you
to pack up her stuff?

Especially since that stuff
is your stuff

that she took from you
in the divorce.

She didn't take it from me.

I gave it up and opted
for the high road,

so we could split
on agreeable terms.

Ah! That is so annoying!

Why can't you be a normal,
resentful divorced person?

Like your mother, Nick,
who crank calls your dad

once a day?
- Hmm.

Yeah, she can do so many voices.

Hey!

- Mom!
- Oh!

Hey, look who's back.

There are my babies.

Hey. Mwah.

Chris.

- What's for dinner?
- Risotto.

Oh.

Hey, honey,
how was the conference?

Oh, it was great.

The resort was nice.
Good golf course.

Oh, we went on a helicopter ride
at sunset.

You should try that.

Oh.

I scrubbed marker off the twins

for 2 1/2 hours at sunrise.

You should try that.

Is everything okay?

I'm fine.

- Baby, I'm just tired.
- Oh.

No, he's exhausted.

And he needs a day off.

He's given up.

This is a man
that is one step away

from wearing a blanket
everywhere he goes.

Well, no problem.

You can have a day off.
Why didn't you tell me?

Because you haven't had
all the boys

since before the twins.

And back then,
the TV was working.

I know. I broke it.

I'm sorry.
Let's not talk about it anymore.

Gary, I can take care
of the kids, okay?

Have your day off.
How about next Sunday?

Done.

Gentlemen, clear your calendars

because next Sunday, I am off!

Pizza's here!

- Pizza!
- Hey...

I made Risotto.

And click.

And this is what it
would look like

if you and I
were conjoined twins.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh!

There he is, free man!
All right.

What are we gonna do?

What aren't we going to do,
huh?

First, we're gonna return these
bathing suits to Old Navy

that I've had sitting around
forever.

No. No, Gary.

- Bad Gary.
- What?

That's terrible.
You gotta think big.

How about we go
to the apple store

and fiddle with stuff
till they ask us to leave?

No, no. Wait.
Oh, I got it.

The giants are at home tonight.

Why don't we go to the game?
What? How?

Chris has incredible tickets
on the 50-yard line.

We're sitting right in front
of Eli Manning's mom.

She offers us grapes
from her purse.

What are you saying?

I am saying this is gonna
be the greatest day off ever!

Oh, my God!

I didn't think I'd ever see
another football game again!

This is what I wish for
every time I hold my breath

in a tunnel.

Okay, actually, guys,
the thing is.

I-I don't have the tickets
this weekend.

What?
What?

Why does this keep on happening?

You gotta get them back.

- I can't.
- You have to!

It's Gary's day off.

Look at him.

He's dead inside.
- What?

He's nothing.
He's barely a man.

He's a husk.

- I'm a husk?
- Yes!

Whoever you gave them to,
you gotta get 'em back.

I can't get 'em back, okay?

You have to get them back.
I'm a husk.

Sheila got my season tickets
in the divorce.

Then you are gonna make
a trade with her.

You're gonna give her
full custody of Ernie

and Gary will give you
one of his kids,

and then everybody wins.

I'll give you one of my kids
for a giants ticket.

Look at my handsome boys.

Oh, I need to take a picture
for your dad.

Okay.
Everybody do a nice smile.

A real smile.

You're not a hostage
being forced

to prove that you're okay.

- Come on.
- Hi.

Hi.

Gary just wanted me
to stop by and check up on you,

see how you're surviving.

Surviving? Please.

This is gonna be fun.

We're gonna make
a whole day of it.

You know, have lunch,
go to a museum.

Compared to working,
this is nothing.

Really?

'Cause I think being
with the kids all day

is actually a lot of work.

And I only have two.

And I have a TV.

And I still call my mom crying
once a week.

No, Emily,
of course it's work, you know.

I'm just saying it's easier
than real work.

Oh. Thank you
for rephrasing that.

All I'm saying is every day

I have 150 people
that rely on me.

Today, I only have four.
This is easy.

Mom, we're starving.
You haven't fed us yet.

I didn't?

Are you sure you don't want
any help?

They're fasting.

Yeah.

We're all kind of spiritual now.

Do you have any food?

Okay, Nick,
elevator door opens,

we walk into Sheila's,
we ask her nicely

for the tickets, during which

Gary will flash her
his sad face.

Gary, do your sad face.
Perfect.

Nick, if you have anything
insulting to say about Sheila,

get it out of your system now.
Thank you.

Gary, you've never been here
before,

so I don't want you
to be surprised,

but Sheila lives in a web
in the corner.

All right.
Good one.

Hello?

Wow.

This place is beautiful.

And you used to live here?

Yes, I did.
Hi, old stuff.

Daddy's here.

Hey.

Oh.

Ernie is napping.
Okay.

Now what was so important
that you couldn't

ask me over the phone?

Well, Gary... you
remember my friend, Gary, here.

Gary.
- What? Oh.

Uh, Gary has a rare day off
from taking care of four kids,

and we were really hoping
we could use

the giants tickets tonight.

Sure.
What time does it start?

- 8:00.
- Great.

That'll give you
a full five hours

to help me pack my apartment.

Hmm.

- You've gotta be kidding.
- No.

But Chris was when he said
he had that cruise this weekend.

Ub40 is playing in helsinki.

I looked it up...

Mon.

If you want the tickets,

you'll help me pack
my apartment.

Now there's bottles of water
in the fridge.

Nick, if you have to use
the restroom,

there's one downstairs
in the subway station.

It was a good call.
It was a good call, Chris.

Don't... don't marry
the super cute girl

who thinks you're the funniest
person in the world.

Marry the girl
that "challenges" you.

See, this is what you get for
taking the high road, Chris.

You get to move
all your old stuff

out of your old apartment

to get your old tickets

from your old wife.

We're doing this for Gary.
It's his day off.

Hey.
I know this couch.

This is my old pass-out couch.

What have you done to it?
It's all button-y.

After the divorce,
Sheila had it reupholstered.

That is sick, man.
This is...

this is the couch we had
when we were roommates.

We have history on this couch.

Do you know how many future
Mrs. Nick Thayers

refused to hook up with me
on this couch?

- Hmph.
- You know what?

This is where I draw the line,
okay?

You have given her
too much stuff.

We're taking this couch back.

No, it's Sheila's.

And might I remind you,
I took the high road.

Oh, real... does she know that?

- I think she does, yeah.
- What do I know?

Besides the capital of Peru.
It's lima.

Oh, you know.

Just that you got all
of Chris's stuff

because he took
the high road in the divorce.

Not exactly sure
that's how it happened.

Come on, Sheila.

I mean, you know
you got all of this

because I didn't want
to drag things out

arguing over who owns what,
you know.

Or maybe because you know
I'm a better negotiator,

and you would lose it all anyway
if we went head-to-head.

Come on.

You are not a better negotiator.
Oh, no?

I have you packing
all my stuff up on a Sunday.

I'm sorry, Chris,
could you hear all the way

up there on the high road?

Okay, I'm gonna go grab Ernie
a sweater.

Mrs. Stevenson upstairs
is hosting

a little farewell get-together
in my honor.

She's such a sweet lady.

I helped her sue her children.

Okay. High road's closed.
We're taking the couch.

That's what I'm talking about!

No, you can't!

Because she'll catch you idiots,
keep the tickets,

and then the highlight
of my day off

becomes learning
the capital of Peru.

How can you think about
yourself right now?

I once cried because
I had no shoes...

Until I met a man with no feet.

What the hell does that mean?

It doesn't matter
what it means.

It's... it's profound,
and it applies.

Okay.
I'll see you guys later.

Oh, and Gary.
- Hmm?

You packed all my
madame Alexander dolls, right?

Oh, yes I did.
All 40 of them.

I'm gonna have nightmares
for a month.

Well, obviously,
you didn't understand

how valuable they are,

I'm gonna need you
to repack them,

like, one per box.

Thanks.

Let's take this damn couch.

Yes.

Which one of you threw
that juice?

I will find out.

Clark! Yoda!
Let's go.

Why are you wearing those?

Mom, we're astronauts.

Emily could be down any second.

So we gotta get out
of this apartment right now.

You look flustered.

Come on.

Okay, we'll take the couch
to Chris's, drop it off,

come right back here,
get those tickets,

get to the giants game.

- Easy.
- Yeah.

All right.

Why is this thing so heavy?

It's a pullout couch.

- This is a pullout couch?
- Yeah.

I passed out on this thing
for years.

How come you never told me
this was a pullout couch?

I was embarrassed.
I didn't have a sheet for it.

Hey, man,
this thing isn't gonna fit.

Oh, oh, right.

We went through the window.
Here.

- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay.

Then, you know what?
It's gonna go out the window.

So Gary, head downstairs,

try and flag down a van cab,
okay?

We'll put it out the window,

Chris, did you happen to lose
any rope in the divorce?

Any rope?

Try all my rope.

Almost there.

God, my arms are spent.

Why did I try and do
that chin-up

on the construction scaffolding
earlier?

Oh, she's here.

Gary, watch out!

Almost died!

That was fast.
How was the Stevenson party?

Oh, turns out it wasn't
a farewell party.

It was a pyramid scheme
to sell me a yogurt franchise.

Wow, look what you
guys got done.

Thank you.

Well, you get a lot done

when you do it with a smile.

Guys!

What are you doing up there?

Oh, is Gary outside?

Yeah, we sent him outside

'cause he was sweating so much

and steaming up the room

and warping your law books.

Tell him to wait.

I want to give him
the tickets myself

- Couch!
- Okay.

All right,

- ah!
- What?

What are you doing?

Oh, Gary.
There you are.

- Hey, Sheila.
- Yeah.

Uhoh.
Hey!

Sheila.

Wow, those are beautiful.

Where did you get
those shoes from?

That's a great story.

I saw them at Bergdorf's.

- No.
- Yeah.

Really?

- Oh, God...

to Connecticut
to the outlet store.

Of course, it was closed by then
so I got a hotel.

And anyway, now I always wonder,
do I love these shoes

because they were hard to get

or do I just love them?

Love them, obviously.

Shoes.

Anyway, here's the tickets.

- Oh.
- Have fun.

- Oh... hey.
- Aw.

Thank you, Sheila.
Thank you.

Thank you. All right,
let's just go back in.

- All right.
- Okay, bye.

Uhhuh, bye.

Guys, I got the tickets!

Couch!

I'm going to a football game.

I haven't been
to a football game

since the Houston Oilers
existed.

Warren moon!
Warren moon!

Also yell that
we got our couch back.

Oh, and they got
their couch back!

And that the high road
is for chumps.

Also, Gary, seat belt.

Hey, honey.

Guess who's going
to the football game tonight?

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Hey, what's our medical
insurance I.D. Number?

Oh, it's j76468.
Wait. What happened.

Nothing.
Clark is having stomach pains.

We're at the emergency room.
The emergency room?

It's fine.
I have it under control.

Go have fun at your game.

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Hey, can you turn the cab
around, please?

Hey, change of plans!
I'm going to the emergency room!

Oh, hey, hey!

- What are you guys doing here?
- What happened?

I think Clark has
Crohn's disease.

Wait.
Did you look at WebMD?

You cannot consult the Internet.

The Internet always leads
to Crohn's disease.

Son, look at me.

What did you eat?

Grape jelly.

How much?

All of it.

- What?
- She forgot to feed me.

I tried!
They didn't want anything.

And then Robbie...

he crapped all the way up
to his neck.

And I got distracted.

Why didn't you call Emily?

Because I wanted to prove
I could do it myself.

I'm sorry, baby.
Can you still make your game?

Yes, I mean, you know,
I think we can

still make the last quarter.

Right?
Okay.

Come on, son.
You're gonna be all right.

All right, big boy?

- Ooh!
- Ahh!

That is grape jelly, all right.

Look, I guess that's that.

No. No,
this is your day off.

We have come too far
to stop now, okay?

Yup. Here.
Put this on.

I'll look ridiculous.

No more ridiculous
than someone wearing

loafers to a football game.

You guys talking about me,
right?

Thank you so much for helping
me get the kids down.

I wish you called me earlier.

The Internet always leads
to Crohn's disease.

Emily, I am sorry.

This is work.

I couldn't even get them fed
and to a museum.

I'm not celebrating
mother's day anymore.

Nope.

I do not deserve
the last-minute gifts

purchased at CVS.

Hey, you got four kids
to the emergency room

all by yourself.

Yeah.

And back.

Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, boys.

Turns out you do have
a good mom.

Great.

Can you feed us dinner?

Right.
Dinner.

Do you have any food?

That was the best ten minutes
of any game

I've ever seen.

Oh, and for those of us
not wearing pants,

also the coldest ten minutes.

Anybody want another beer?

Nah.

You know what?
I think I'm gonna head home.

Gary, you still got, like,
two hours

left on your day off.

You know, honestly,
I just needed

time away from my kids
to miss them.

And I miss them.

And I miss my pants.

I forgot that unless
you're super drunk,

that thing kills your back.

You know, I don't know, Nick.

I don't really think
it fits in here.

Yeah.

We're gonna have to throw out
all your stuff

and rebuild around the couch.

No, I mean, I don't think the
couch fits in my life anymore.

I don't want it.

You know,
you got me all worked up,

but I didn't take the high road
for Sheila.

I took it for me and Ernie

because I want us
to be able to move on.

I'm not resentful, Nick.
I'm over my divorce.

And it'd really help me out

if you got over my divorce too.

I will try
and get over your divorce.

But I cannot be responsible
for any crank phone calls

that my mom makes.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey. That was fast.

You just called
a minute ago saying

you were leaving your place.
Yeah.

My new place is nearby.

I take a left out my apartment,

take the elevator down
eight floors.

What?

I moved into the building.
Surprise!

It's gonna be so much easier
for Ernie.

- This building?
- This building.

- My building?
- Our building now.

And I thought about what
you said.

And I want to take the high
road too.

So you can have
your season tickets.

- Oh.
- Great.

We stole your couch.

It's up on the roof
if you want to get it.

That whole thing about getting
over your divorce,

I think I'm gonna need
some more time on that.