Guys with Kids (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Standoff - full transcript

Guys With Kids is taped
in front of a live studio audience.

Babies coming through!

They were here first.

You know, there's a
Chucky Cheese in Brooklyn.

Doesn't have a full bar.

Yeah, who wants to hang out
on a bar with kids.

Hey, guys...
so check this out:

Last night, I ask Yoda
to put his shoes away.

He told me, "you have arms,
do it yourself."

So I sent him to his room.

He doesn't care.



He likes his room.

Nothing I do works any more.

What's the cutoff age for leaving your kid

on the firehouse doorstep
no questions asked?

Gary, he's got your number.

Yoda knows you're a pushover.

I think you should just have
Marny deal with him

'cause she is scary.

Yeah, she's the only person
I write thank you notes to

because she will say something.

I am not gonna have my wife
fight my battles for me.

I know what I need to do.

I need to break Yoda,

just like my father broke me.



That man was intimidating.

He was so intimidating...

You know what, I'm... I'm not
gonna say anything

because I don't want it
to get back to him.

Yeah, I hear ya.

My dad broke me too.

Broke me of some pretty bad study habits.

I forgot to tell you

that Chris here grew up in Pleasantville.

As you can imagine, it was quite pleasant.

Well, I didn't.

All right,
no more Mr. nice guy.

I can be tough.

Like, smoke him out.

Crush the rebellion!

No child left behind.

Now you're just throwing out
random phrases.

Each one teach one!

Down with dope, up with hope!

Give a hoot, don't pollute!

Stop, drop, and roll!

All right.

Nice things.

♪ Life is how you live it ♪

♪ where you go and where you wanna be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

♪ we're happy ♪

♪ we need our friends like the sun ♪

♪ why would you walk when you can run ♪

♪ everybody sing along ♪

♪ why would you walk when you can run ♪

You know, these Sunday night
dinners are great.

Dinnertime has been
kind of lonely since the divorce

and I feel...

You told me to punch you every
time you bum people out

- with your stupid divorce.
- Yeah.

Did I hurt your neck, you little baby?

No.

My neck hurts because Ernie
won't fall asleep

unless I sleep in a chair next to him.

Wait, you're sleeping
in a chair next to Ernie?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.

You have to sleep train him.

You know, we got this book.

It saved our lives.

Who got that book?

Gary got that book, okay?

Better parent.

Thank you, Marny,
but you can keep your book.

I've tried everything.

This kid just cannot be sleep trained.

Okay.

That's crap.

Any baby can be sleep trained.

Gary, this bridge is incredible.

Who made this?

School project.

Clark and I did it.

All me.

- Here you go, baby.
- Thanks.

So, how did your bridge turn out?

What are you talking about?

The assignment was just to
answer four questions

about the Brooklyn bridge.

Looks like someone forgot to read

the back of the assignment sheet.

They printed on both sides?

I'm so sick of these dumb teachers

who are fresh out of college
trying to save the environment.

Your bridge is going down.

You don't have the time or the stuff.

- Yeah, I do.
- No, you don't.

- Yoda.
- What?

You do it all the time.

Not when other people are around.

Whatever.

Excuse me?

Just relax, Gary.

Hold on there, Daddy.

Hoo, let's not make a big deal
out of this.

I...

Marny, I'm sorry.

Might I have a word with you in
the library, please?

Library?

You mean the bookcase?

Yes.

Marny, you can't undermine me
like this, all right?

This kid is getting out of control.

Okay, calm down.
I'll handle it.

No. I'm the one who stays
at home with the kids all day.

He needs to listen to me.

Look, I know you think you're helping,

but the only way that you can
really help right now

is to butt out.

I see.

Okay.

You obviously don't need me

so... no, no, I will indeed
butt out.

You come with me, little Ernie.

Where you going?

To sleep train this thing.

Okay, well, when the host steals your baby

I guess it's time to go.

I think, we're gonna be heading out too.

We have some work to do.

And, once you get a look at my bridge

you're gonna wanna throw
yourself off of your bridge.

Really?

- Really.
- Really?

All right.

We'll be leaving before we start

the world's first arts and crafts rumble.

Hey, Clarky, why don't you
go brush your teeth

and get ready for bed, man?

Where do you think you're going?

You haven't finished your dinner.

I'm not eating this.

Yes, you are.

And you're not gonna get out of that seat

until that plate is clean.

So you wanna play the waiting game,

Well, I was built to wait things out.

See that tooth right there?

Yep, I chipped it four years ago.

And I'm not getting it fixed.

Because I'm waiting for it to grow back.

All right, I'm not playing around.

In this box, I have
all of your favorite toys.

And if you don't eat your dinner,

I'm gonna throw them all away.

Okay.

Not mine.

Don't like it any more.

That's broken.

That's yours.

You know what?
Eat your dinner!

Okay.

Okay, go in now.

Let him know everything is fine

but don't pick him up
or he'll never go to sleep.

Okay, I will not pick him up.

Now, I know it looks like I picked him up,

but he's actually holding me
right now, so...

Chris, you are not taking this seriously.

Here.

You know, Ernie is not the problem.

You are.

I think you should leave.

But I live here.

All this stuff is mine.

That baby is mine.

Okay, I'm a mother of four, okay?

You have to listen to me.

Okay, okay, I see what's happening here.

Gary told you to butt out down there

and so now you're butting in up here.

My God, I am so sorry.
You're right.

No, no, no, it's okay.
It's okay.

I appreciate the effort.
I know. No.

Thank you for stopping by.

Let me say good night, little Ernie...

Do you smell smoke?

Marny.

This baby is getting sleep trained!

Okay, where's the book?

Because this kid is seriously messed up.

Why are you still at the dinner table?

I'm teaching him a lesson.

The boy has school in the morning.

I tried to tell him.

Can I see you in the foyer?

You mean the welcome mat?

Look, I've got this under control.

If it takes all night, I'll break him.

Gary, you are not keeping
my kid up all night.

No, no, no. Besides,
you can't even

physically stay up
past 11:00.

How many times have I found you
asleep on the toilet

with a mouthful of Listerine?

Look, I started this, all right?

And I have to see it through

or I'll lose all authority with this kid.

Well, then you've really backed yourself

into a corner, haven't you?

You've got one hour.

Then I'm putting him to bed.

I'll put this whole building
to bed if I have to.

Hey, Marny, since you still won't let me

back into my apartment,
could you do me a favor

and just unplug my iPod?

I don't like to overcharge it, you know?

It shortens the life of the battery.

Dad, mom found the purple paint.

Let's paint it purple.

Great, yeah.

You know what?

Maybe not for this bridge,

but definitely for the next one.

You have such good ideas.

It's her bridge.

Hey, Violet.

You know who used to commute

- from Brooklyn to Manhattan?
- Who?

Cinderella.

All right, honey, come on.

Let's get your pajamas on.

You have no business being in this world.

Guys, I need your help.

Hey, your wife locked me out
of my apartment.

Yeah, she's known to do that.

Clarky, Yoda, sit down right there.

I need to talk to these guys.

Look here, man.

The kid hasn't budged, right?

And I'm running out of time.

Chris, if you were acting like Yoda,

what would your father have done?

Man.

He would have sent me
to bed 15 minutes early

and only sang me two songs.

Okay... Nick?

Yoda and I go way back.

Maybe I should talk to him.

He might be more receptive to someone

he hasn't seen cry during the movie Up!

They couldn't have a baby.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Nick.

Yeah. Butting heads
with your old man?

Yeah.

You know, guys like us, Yoda,
we don't like to conform.

We're rebels.

Emily, she tells me
not to bring the quilt in

from the bed to the sofa, but I do.

I'll snuggle right the hell up with it.

But, you gotta ask yourself,
is it worth it?

Now, I just wanna throw out there,

what would happen if you ate up
all the food on your plate

and then we all just moved on
with our lives?

Why don't you tell that
to someone who cares?

Excuse me?

Mind your own business, Nick.

Okay.

We, we are not as close as I had assumed.

You wanna help me break him?

More than anything.

All right, Yoda.

You've had your chance.

I'm done being nice.

We went out and got
all of your favorite things.

Now, if you wanna join in on the fun,

all you have to do
is finish what's on your plate.

I got Peeps, Yoda.

I'm mushing 'em together

to make one
super-mega-awesome Peep

and I'm putting it in my mouth, Yoda.

Fine.

Have it your way, Yoda.

Chris? Music.

That's right, Yoda.

We're gonna eat your favorite snacks

and do you favorite dance.

The Cat Daddy.

I did not just learn this today.

Come on.

Left turn, right turn,
wheelchair, wheelchair.

Left turn, right turn,
wheelchair, wheelchair.

You're doing it all wrong!

Well, then, finish your dinner

and come show us how to do it right.

Are we gonna do the whole song or...

We learned the whole song.

We're gonna do the whole song.

Chris is having no luck getting past Gary!

He turns to pass to Yoda, but he doesn't

'cause he can't, 'cause he won't
finish his dinner!

He feints around the couch.

He moves for the dunk.
He dunks it!

The first rule of Fight Club:

You don't talk about Fight Club.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Indoor Slip 'n Slide.

In your face!

He's sliding home!

And he's out! He's out!

Look at him.

He's about to break.

Why you keep waking me up?

Hey, son, 'cause you're my ringer.

All right?
There's nothing worse

than when your brother's
having fun and you're not.

Look at this.

Awesome!

Get ready to start.

I got you, let's go, Clarky, let's go!

Well done.

Go long, Chris, go long!

Dad, you ruined it!

And it's due tomorrow!

Hey, Clarky, I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

You're such a butthole, Dad.

Hey, you don't ever speak to me like that.

Get over here.

Dude...

This hasn't worn off yet.

I think I took too much.

I think I took too much!

Now I've lost control of both of them.

Maybe this'll help.

One time my dad did get really mad at me.

It was during high school.

I was drinking a soda

in the backseat
of his brand-new car.

I wasn't supposed to,

but I had just stared Pippin

and it had gone to my head.

Anyhow, I spilled it,
and he didn't say anything.

He just looked at me,
and he handed me the keys

and he said "I bought this car for you,

and it's your stain now."

That always stayed with me.

Tell it again, Chris.

When did smacking your child
fall out of fashion?

Hey, come on, Gary.

Even back then,
you wouldn't have done that.

You're not that kind of dad.

Gary, you're the kind of dad

that you give piggyback rides,

and you make mediocre school projects.

You are not intimidating, but that's okay

because you have
someone in your life who is,

and she is right upstairs.

You're right.

I don't have to be my father.

I married my father!

What?

Is he asleep?

Nope!

You've ruined your baby.

Hi, buddy.

What is wrong with you?

Don't you want him to sleep?

Don't you wanna sleep?

You know, the truth is, I don't mind

sleeping in the chair next to him.

I don't get to see him
as much as I'd like to

and it gives us a little extra
time together.

You know?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I could see that.

You know, sometimes if I'm working late,

when I come home I climb right
into bed with one of the boys.

Exactly, exactly.

You know, I mean,
ever since the divorce, I...

Why are you here?

Do you recall how I told you to butt out?

I need you to butt back in.

Happy to, sweetheart.

That's it?

No.

That's not it.

You're gonna be hearing about
this for a long time.

Scares me to think about it.

What the hell happened in here?

Yeah. Okay.

And on that note,

I'm gonna hand this off to Gary.

Marny, thank you so much for dinner.

Here's a note to convey my appreciation.

You two.

Why are you giving your dad
so much trouble?

You have no idea how good you have it.

Your dad goes to all your baseball games.

He gives you ice cream for dinner.

Your father stays home with you by choice.

Even I won't do that.

You two have the greatest dad in the world

and you will show him some respect.

Sorry, Dad.

It's all right, son.

Go to bed.

I've been trying to!

And you, I want you to help
your father clean up this mess.

Now.

Baby.

Thanks for butting back in.

Is this a Slip 'n Slide?

Yeah.

Yoda.

Come here, son.

What's been going on with you lately, man?

Because this isn't the Yoda that I know.

You're always telling me to do stuff.

You're the oldest.

I was the oldest.

It sucks.

All right?
But it's not gonna change.

We need to work together
on this, all right?

Because when you're grown up,

I want us to be like Chris and his father.

I want us to be friends, you know?

Okay, Gary.

Don't you do that.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm going to bed.

No. Absolutely not.

All right.

You still have some explaining to do.

What was wrong with my Cat Daddy?

Everything. You looked
like a sick horse.

Sick horse,

Look at this.

This is a super-duper-mega Peeps
going in your mouth.

Open up.
Open up!

Now go and get cleaned up.

What do you think?

It's nice, Daddy.

I don't think she really meant that.

No.

Well...

But the important thing is...

You beat your adult friend
at a first grade project.

Okay.

You know, hey, Violet,

this bridge is not finished yet.

- Really?
- Really.

Don't you think that this would
look so much better

if it was purple?

With feathers and glitter?

Yeah!

Just like it was originally designed.

Pretty!

God.

So pretty.