Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 12, Episode 14 - Champion of the World - full transcript

Bull Bannock, ex world heavyweight champion, tries to make a place for himself in Dodge City.

(dramatic theme music playing)

(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.


And you can tell your friends in
Upper Sandusky that you stood

at the bar with Bull
Bannock himself.

(slurring): That
sure is something.

The only man who can
claim to be the retired,

undefeated heavyweight
champion of the world.

Has-been heavyweight
champion of the world.

And kindly stop chewing my ear.

What did you say?

You heard me.


That's right.

Has-been and blowhard and...

You watch your words, mister.

I'll watch nothing.

It's a free country.

I wouldn't be surprised

if I could flatten you myself.

That'll be just enough of that.

Is that so?

Yes, that's so!

My customers don't have to

- put up with your noise!
- Your customers... (stammers)

The class of people that
come in here don't have to have

- the likes of you...
- What people?

I don't see any people.

- I never seen any people.
- Out. Out!

- Aah! The bar's so...
- Get out! And right now!

- Out!
- All right! All right!

And don't bother to come back!



(footsteps approaching)

Come right in, folks,

- and make yourselves...
- Good evening, Bull.

Mind if I come
in and sit a spell?

Sure, go ahead, Maude.

You'll have to leave when
the place starts filling up.

You know my trade.

All them swells
and society folks.

(Maude chuckles)

They're a little fussy
who they're talking with.

You got a good memory, Bull.

What are you talking about?

About the place filling up.

You haven't had a swell
or a society toff in here

for two years.

Well, it's-it's a
little early now.

But they'll be coming
in. Honest, they will.

Oh, come on, Bull.

We're in the same
boat, you and I.

Look, the-the party's over.

Ah, nobody wants us anymore.

Speak for yourself.

I retired undefeated, you know.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, we both
retired undefeated.

No, Bull, it's all over.

(clicks tongue)

End of the line.

It's the town, that's
what the trouble is.

New York just ain't
what it used to be.

It's full of pickpockets,


It always was.

You just didn't notice it.

Well, I don't want 'em in here!

Maude, I been thinking it over.

I'm gonna take that offer,
sell this place, and get out!

And go where?

Out West.

I been reading
about a little place

called Dodge City,
right here in the paper.

It has an article.

Read that.

Sounds like my kind of
town and my kind of people.

(theme music playing)

Doc, how 'bout you and me
pitch a little game of horseshoes?

- No, I'm not interested.
- Checkers, maybe?

No, I'm not... Well, now, I
might be interested in checkers.

That is, if I knew where I could
find myself a checker player

with some integrity,
which I don't.

Well, now, I 'splained you that.

Yes, I don't want to hear
any more ""splainin" about it.

I can understand
how a very small wager

of five cents a game can
be an awful big temptation

for a man with very
little conscience.

- Or no conscience at all.
- Now, I'll admit

I get a little raunchy when
they's money on the game.

But this here
game was different.

Now, when I crossed my
legs and kicked that table over,

- why, it hurt me - Oh!

As bad as it did you.

- Yes, well, I...
- And I was...

Well, what a delightfully
pleasant surprise.

Good morning, Doc. Festus.

Got wind you was
back in town, Professor.

And fate favors the righteous.

Who better to aid me

in a somewhat
embarrassing predicament

but my two dearest friends.

It seems when I left my
lodgings this morning,

- I did...
- You forgot your wallet.

(Professor mutters)

How did you guess?

You told me the same
story, two months ago.

I did?

Ah, by Jove, I'm
getting a little forgetful.

Well, no harm done.

And it's a glorious morning.

Well, now...

There's a gentleman who
veritably reeks with money.

That there's some Eastern dude.

Been in town a couple of days.

Ah, me.

Looks as if I got
back in Dodge City

at a most propitious time.

Well, gentlemen, it's
been a distinct pleasure.

Au revoir.

(clears throat)

Hope that fella's got
buttons on his pockets.

Howdy, boys!

And how's the
world treating you?


Hey, there.

Would you like to arm
wrestle a little, huh?

(man laughs)

Well, it's mighty
fine just seein' you.

Got a mighty fine town here

and I thought I'd tell
you myself, personally.

And how are you there, my boy?


My boy.

Oh, well, now,

Miss Kitty Russell.

Am I right? You're the
owner of this establishment?

I am.

I'm pleased to
meet you, Miss Kitty.

I'm Andrew J. Bannock.

Well, I'm very happy to
meet you, Mr. Bannock.

Please call me Bull.

Bull Bannock from New York City.

(quietly): A little of him
would go a long way.

(laughs): Yeah.


Bring me your best bottle of
champagne and two glasses.

That's a $20 gold piece.

- So what?
- What's champagne?


(cork pops, then
bounces around on floor)

(chuckling): Oh,
that's beautiful.

I reckon it must
have spoiled on him.


Miss Kitty.

Thank you.

- Here's to your health.
- Thank you.

And to the best business
deal you ever have made.

What business deal?

I'm buying you out.

Lock, stock, and cash
on the barrel head.


Well, $12,000.

And I think that's
a mighty fine price.

Well, I certainly do,
considering the fact

that, uh, the place
is only worth $8,000.

But I'm not selling.

I warn you, Miss Kitty.

I didn't get where I did
taking no for an answer.

Where did you get?


I was the heavyweight
prize fight champion

of the world!

I retired undefeated.

Well, I'm certainly
glad you got out in time.

Oh, I got out when I wanted to.

And I've got the
belt to prove it!

Hey, he's the champ. That's
Bull Bannock. See that belt?

- He's the champ.
- Yeah, champeen about ten years ago.

- I don't believe it's true.
- Hi, fellas. -Hi, Thad.

- Hello, Miss Kitty.
- Thad.

This was over at the depot.

- Thought I'd bring it by for you.
- Well, thank you.

- Wonder what it is.
- I don't know.

Sam, would you
come here a minute?

- I'll be seein' you.
- All right.

Uh, just a minute, young fella.

Well, now... (chuckles)

you've got a pretty good
build on you, you have.

Have you ever done
any prize fighting?

Well, I've been in a few,

when I couldn't go around them.


No, I don't mean that.

I mean professional fighting.

You know, scientific-like.

- No.
- Oh.

- Come on, put your dukes up.
- Well, what for?

Just put 'em up there.
Put yourself on guard now.

That's it. Now, see?

There you go.

Just watch where
your feet are. That's it.

Don't stumble all
over the chairs.

See? I had you. I
almost had you there.

Well, do something here.

Throw something. That's it.

Oh, I almost had you there, see?

Go on.

Come on!

Get it up... well, throw
something at me! Come on!

(laughs) You see, I
could've floored you

the first three seconds
of the round. (chuckles)

- Maybe so, but I, uh...
- All you need is training.

Training, me boy. Now,
after I've settled in here,

I'll teach you. I'll
make a pro out of you!

- Well, I'll think about it.
- You'll think about it?

Wait a minute!

How do you like that?

The world champ
offers to teach him,

and he's gonna think about it.

- (laughs)
- (men chuckling)


Mr. Bannock, you'll
have to excuse me.

I have work to do.

Thank you very much
for the champagne,

and I'm sorry we
couldn't do business.

Oh, we will, Miss Kitty.

We will.

(door closes in distance)

Set 'em up, Sam.

Boys, you're drinking
with Bull Bannock.

Now and from now on.

- I'm buying the place.
- Buyin'?

- (murmuring)
- MAN: Where have I heard that?


You ain't figuring we're
gonna drink this stuff, are you?

Well, why not?

Because it's gone and
spoiled on you, that's why.

Darn near busted
the bottle to pieces.

Fizzed all over the place.


It's champagne.

It's supposed to do that.

It is?

Well, certainly.

Come on, now, boys.

Drink up!

It's not every day
you get champagne.

Here's how.

Ew! That's awful!

Matter of fact, we
were just leaving.

We'll have a drink with you
some other time, perhaps.

- Thanks a lot.
- Yeah.

Oh, now, wait a minute,
boys. It's already poured.

- Come back here!
- Good-bye, sir, and, uh, thank you.

- Uh, thank you, sir.
- Ah, you're welcome.


I, uh, hope I'm
not intruding, sir,

but I couldn't help
overhearing your little, uh,

colloquy with
some of our citizens.

Do you like champagne?

With an expertly selected
vintage such as this, sir,

I do, indeed.

Well, help yourself.

You're a man after me own heart.

Well, thank you. Here's to your
very good health, Mr. Bannock.

Welcome to Dodge City.

Well, now, you recognize me, eh?

Well, that's hardly
remarkable, sir.

You're a very famous man.

Even here in the wilderness.

You know, I kind of
thought that more people

might recognize me out here,

but so far, to
tell you the truth,

you're the only one that has.


Well, you'll find that
most of these people

are somewhat primitive.

Oh, you mean like them
monkeys that just walked out on me.

Uncouth louts.

Permit me to apologize
for their rude boorishness.

You called it. Boors
is what they are.

(chuckles) I'll drink to that.


Oh, we're gonna get
along real nice, you and me.

- (chuckles)
- Yes.

This is more than
I'd hoped for, sir.

Sam, break out another
bottle, for me and my friend here.

Yes, sir.

Yes, indeed, Sam.
Break out another bottle.

SAM: Yes, sir.

(both chuckle)

BOTH: ♪ The ocean
white and wide ♪

Oh! (chuckles)

- Bread and butter.
- Bread and butter. (chuckles)

BOTH (off-key): ♪
To where your heart ♪

♪ Has always been ♪

♪ Ever since you became ♪

♪ My bonny bride ♪

- ♪ My bonny... ♪
- No.

Wait a minute, darlin'.

(chuckles) We just
passed my hotel.

Ah. You're buying it, too, huh?

I'm not buying it.
I'm just staying here.

That's too bad. Too bad.

- (sighs)
- You don't want to give people

the wrong impression.

(sighs) Well, I don't
know why you'd say that.

The people told me this
was the best hotel in town.

Oh, it's adequate, adequate.

For... itinerant peddlers

and transient cattle
buyers and such ilk.


But not for a man
of your status.

Oh, well, if you say so.

You know, there's only
one place for you, Bull.

It's a quaintly exclusive
little establishment.

Cora Argyle's Continental House.

As a matter of fact, I
happen to reside there myself.

(mutters, slurs): Cora Argyle's

- Continental House.
- Continental...

- I got it, Professor. I got it.
- Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

- She wouldn't take you anyway.
- Nah.

Why not?

Well, Madam Argyle's
a very peculiar lady.

She just will not have anything

to do with strangers.

Well... (chuckles)

you're not a stranger.

So why don't you
talk me up to her?


Maybe I could do that.

Of course, you know,

these quarters are
not inexpensive.

Oh, well, I'll fix that.

Would $50 a month be enough?


Excuse me.

Here's $20.

There's $30,

$40, $50.

(chuckling): Yes.

It might.

It just might, if she's
in a good mood.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

- (knocking continues)
- (groans, sniffs)

CORA: Come on.
Open up, Professor.

I know you're in there.

- (grunts)
- I can hear you breathing.

(knocking resumes)

What do you want?

I want you to open
this door, you old coot!

And hurry it up!



- Come on, open up!
- (knocking)

(mutters, grunts)

(knocking continues)

(muttering): I'm coming.


Good day, madam.

Don't you "good day"
me, you old faker.

Carousin', comin'
in at all hours,

wakin' up the whole house.

And just look at
the shape you're in.


You do have a valid point.

And where's the rent?

I suppose you
spent it all on beer.

(chuckling): Beer?
Madam, I am not a peasant.

Just what was the extent of our
monetary, uh, misunderstanding?

If you're asking how much,

it's eight dollars you
sneaked off owin' me

two months ago, plus
75 cents for the three days

since you been back
in town... (gasps)

Where'd you steal that?

Please... (chuckles) Here.

- Ten dollars!
- And keep the change,

out of my appreciation for your
many kindnesses in the past.

Well, cast your
bread upon the waters.

Oh, uh, just a moment.

I may be in a position to take
a couple of white elephants

off your, uh, hands.

What are you talking about?

Those two "druppy"
rooms upstairs

that you persist in
calling, uh, master suites...

How much?

$30 a month.


Well, then I think
$20 will be adequate.

Uh, there's a week in advance.

You mean you're moving upstairs?

Ah, yes. I shall occupy
one of the rooms,

and a very dear friend
of mine from the East

will occupy the other.

What kind of friend?

A Mister...

Andrew J. Bannock.


Former champion of the world.

Champion at what?

An endeavor that I fear

that you are not fully
equipped to comprehend.

Well, some days, it
sure pays to get up.

Oh, one thing more.

Mr. Bannock has a peculiarity.

I thought there'd
be a catch to it.

(wry laugh) He
dislikes intensely

any discussion of
the subject of money,

and all financial transactions
will go through me.

Is that clear?

There'll be no
need to talk about it

as long as I keep gettin' it.


And now, madam,

I bid you good day.

(quiet laugh)

I wonder what it
would be like to...

retire and take it
easy for a while.

Well, now, from what I
hear, you've had an offer

that could let you do that.

(chuckles) Ah, I wouldn't
know what to do with myself.

Oh, I don't know, Kitty.
You might find you enjoy it.

You know, this is
a pretty tough job.

You sayin' I can't handle it?

No, I'm not sayin' that.

(Kitty chuckles)

Uh-oh. Look who's here.


SAM: Hi, Mr. Bannock.

- How are you today?
- Fine, thank you.

Howdy, boys!

Well, you turned down some
good champagne yesterday.

And everybody here's
getting all their cards, are they?


Well, Miss Kitty.

You're looking bright
and chipper this morning.

Oh, chipper as a lark.

Matt, I want you to meet

the former heavyweight
champion of the world,

Mr. Bannock; Mr. Bull Bannock.

Marshal Dillon.

Pleasure, Mr. Bannock.


So you're the local law, eh?

The businessman's friend.

Well, I don't know if they'd
all agree with you on that.

Well, you'll not have
any trouble with me,

'cause I've never had
any trouble with the law

in all me life. (chuckles)

Glad to hear it.

Well, young lady,

are we all ready
to sign the papers?

Well, I don't know about you,

but I'm not; not now or ever.

Oh, you women.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll raise the ante $1,000.

$13,000 for the place
the way she stands.


You're driving a hard bargain.

$14,000, and that's final.

- Take it or leave it.
- I'll leave it.

I'll give you one more
day to think about it.

I don't need one more day.

But you're not gonna
get a price this good.

- Now, if you'll just listen...
- I'm not interested!

BANNOCK: How could
you not be interested?

Mr. Bannock, I
think she's saying no.


You are the hard-headedest
woman I think I ever met.

Thank you.

And, I might add, one
of the most attractive.

Nice to have met you, Marshal.

Oh, by the way, Marshal...

have you ever done any fighting?

In the ring, that is.

Did a little in the army.

Well, maybe one of these days,

we can spar a few
rounds together.

Miss Kitty.

Well, boys, will you
have a drink with me?

No, thanks, we already got ours.

Another time, Mr. Bannock.

I can afford me own, thank you.

Well! Champagne, Mr. Bannock?

No, thank you.

I don't want nothing right now.

Ah, there you are, Bull, my boy!

My good friend the professor.

- It's good to see you.
- (chuckles)

Say, you had a rather
large evening last night.

- How do you feel?
- Fine!

Never felt better in my life.

How'd you make out?

Well, I'll tell you.

I talked to the landlady.

Oh, I talked myself
blue in the face.

But she finally gave in.

I was able to get the
suite for only $75 a month.

Oh, well, fine, fine.


Here's the other 25.

Oh, no hurry.

Thank you.

I'll take you over there
when you're, uh, ready to go.

Can I buy you a drink?

Don't mind if I do.


Two beers.

SAM: Coming up.

You know, maybe I ought to
let you handle this deal here.

Uh, Kitty doesn't
want to sell, huh?

No, and I even upped the price.

Well, there are a couple of
other places down the street.

This is the best in town!

Number one! First class!

Bull Bannock goes first class!


Well, maybe we'll have
to do a little persuading.

SAM: Here you are, gents.

- Sam.
- Thank you, sir.


Yeah, just leave
the details to me.

I'm thoroughly familiar
with the intricacies

of doing business
in these parts.

You know, grease
a few skids and...

the complexion changes.

Certainly it'll change the
whole complexion of the thing.


But it will cost.

Well, how much?


maybe a couple of hundred.

Couple of hundred dollars.


There's one...

and two.

That's cheap enough,
if it'll get the job done.


It'll go a long way to
getting the job done.

(both laughing)

Tell me, Gopher...
how you doing?

Are you broke?

You think I'd be
doing this if I wasn't?

Uh... (chuckles)

Yeah. You're worthy
of better things.

You still got those
skeleton keys?

Oh, no.

I-I-If the marshal
caught me stealin' again,

he'd rack me up good.

There's no stealing involved.

You mean it's, uh,

i-it's something legal?

Well, let's leave the,
uh, question of legality

to the court, shall we?

Let's say that it's... easy.

Easy, huh?

There you are, boys.

Well, first one of the day!

11:00, straight up!

A businessman's breather.

Anybody's breather.


Well, they ain't going
to get any fuller waiting!


- (coughing)
- Help!

What's the matter?

I've been poisoned!

I don't think I'll
ever talk again,

or even breathe, maybe.

Well, you're talking now.

Well, that's hard!

Oh, Sam, me throat's aflame!

- How do you do it to us?
- Do what?

It's got kerosene in it.

That's right!

Well, I'm sorry, boys.

It's the first I've
drawn this morning;

it was all right last night.

I'll never get rid of the taste.

Good customers like us
and he tries to poison us!

This has got
kerosene in it, too.

I don't understand.

Somebody must
have broke in here.

- Come on, lads, let's go.
- Yeah.

There's a saloon down
the street we can trust.

Oh, now, wait a minute, but...

Wait a minute, boys,
I'll get a new keg!

I'll put it...

Don't go.

Miss Kitty!

You've got a lot of nerve,
showing your face in here.

Well, I couldn't very
well talk about our deal

without coming in, could I?

You thought you could
force me to sell, huh?

Force you?

- Scare me.
- Scare you?

Well, I would rather
give this place away

than let you get
your hands on it.

Well, now, hold on a minute,

there must be some
sort of mistake...

There has been a mistake,

and you've made it.

Now you get out
of here right now,

or so help me, I'll throw
you out of here myself!

Big mouth,
championship belt and all!

Hold on, now...

I said to get out of here!

And don't you ever come back!

I have never been put
out of a place in all me life.

The only reason I'm leaving
now, is 'cause I want to.

I'll be back to
talk to you later,

when you've calmed down!

Get out!

Good day.


(knocking on door)


Ah! Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, Professor.

Sit down. Have some coffee.

Uh, no, thank you.

Look, Professor... I think
something went wrong.

Oh? How so?

Well, I was just over
to see Miss Kitty.

She was boiling mad.

I thought she was
gonna lay the fist on me.

You don't say.


I think you better stay
out of things awhile.

Ah, it's a shame.

What's a shame?

Things. Uh...


Political ineptitude.


Well, your New York Tammany boys

bobble a situation now
and then, don't they?

Political machine in Dodge City?

Yeah, it's very hush-hush.

I think we're going to have
to initiate the ultimate plan.

No, no, Professor. Uh...

I think maybe we better
drop the whole thing.


Well, you see, I came
out here in the first place,

I... I thought the people
might start liking me.

But it don't seem to be
working out that way at all.

But it will.

When you're
running Bull's Place,

with that big sign you
were telling me about.

And those carpets.

And the lights that you're
gonna get from back East.

And you're packing
them in night after night

and you're the boss.

Oh, it would be
great, all right.

I mean, that room will
hold nearly 100 people.


And everybody
laughing and shouting

and having a good time and
they're all wanting to meet you

and hear about
those prizefights.

You'll be part of their town.

It'll make all the
difference in the world.

That's exactly what I want.

To mix in, be a part of things.


Well, it will take a little
extra, maybe $200 or $300,

but it will be worth
every cent to pull it off.


How much did you say, Professor?

Mm... five hundred dollars.

It will be worth
every cent of it.


(group shouting excitedly)

Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

Hey! Hey, let go of that table!

Shut up!


(woman screaming)

Stop it!

(men shouting, women screaming)

Hey, what are you doing?

What's going on?


Sam, what are you...




Oh, they must've got
some of that bad beer.

crashing in distance)

(distant shouting, screaming)

(glass shatters)

Stop it!

Stop it, all of you!


(shouting, muttering)

Stop it!


(woman screams)




All right, hold it there!

Hold it right there.

Kitty, what's happened here?

I don't know!

It's them two here
that started it, Marshal.

Is that right?

All right, get
down off of there.

The rest of you, break it up and
get out of here and move along.

- (men murmuring)
- The bar is closed.

Hold on right there.


You two know each other?

We used to ride for...

Never laid eyes on
each other in our lives.

What about Bull Bannock,
either of you know him?

- No, never heard of...
- Never heard of...


Or the professor?

Never heard of him, either.

No. No.

Thad, take these two
down and lock 'em up.


Come on.

Kitty, Matt had no choice.

He had to release them.

Bannock put them up
to it and you know it.

Well, of course I know
it, and so does Matt,

but we can't prove it.

Judge Ben set bail
and the professor paid it.

They'll jump that bail.

Well, they're probably
gone already, for all I know.

And I'm out the cost of
repairing the Long Branch.

BANNOCK: Hold on a moment there!

Morning, Miss Kitty.

What do you want?

Well, I can't come into
your place anymore,

so I'll have to catch you
out in neutral territory.

You're not going to
catch me anyplace, mister.

I heard that you had a
bit of a ruckus last night.

Glad to see that you
weren't damaged.

You heard about it.

You dirty rat.

Why, you...

- Get your hands off of her!
- Stay out of this, boy!

I said, leave her alone.

All right, boy.

Just hold on a minute,
and I'll be right with you.

Glad to oblige.

Please, now, wait a minute...

He's been asking
for it, Miss Kitty.

Please don't do this.

Please, Thad.

Come on, Bannock.

(spectators exclaiming)

- MAN: Come on, get up.
- MAN 2: Oh! Ooh! -MAN 3: Get up.

MAN: Ooh!

MAN 2: Come on, Thad.

Keep your left up.


- Ooh!
- Ooh!

(spectators clamoring)

MAN: Try a left,
Thad! Try a left, Thad!

- Come on! Come on!
- Protect yourself!

Come on, give it to him!

- Give it to him, boy.
- On your feet, boy, on your feet!

- Come on.
- Get up!

That's it!

clamoring, murmuring)

Come on, come on, boy!

Get up.

(punches thudding)

- Get up, Thad! -Come on!
- (Thad groans)

What's going on
here? What happened?

Clearly a case of
self-defense, Marshal.

The boy jumped me.

That's true, Matt.

Thad went for him first.

DILLON: How is he?

He's coming to, Marshal,

but he's gonna know
he's been in a fight.

KITTY: It was terrible!

MAN: It was plain murder!

It was self-defense,
like I said.

Yeah, but you
pushed him into it.

I swear, if I had a gun
right now, I'd use it!

champion of the world.

Well, what are you
waiting for, applause?

All right, Marshal, I'm leaving.

You can have your hick town.

I want no part of it!

- (townsfolk murmuring)
- The sooner the better.

Good riddance!

It's all over. Break
it up, move along.

Let's get him up to Doc's.

wait a second, old friend.

Hey, you were magnificent.

Absolutely magnificent.

The town will never forget it.

- Well, this town hates me.
- Nonsense.

They only acted that way

because the boy's
one of their own.

Well, I'm not one of their own

and I'm not gonna be.

Professor, I'm getting out. Out!

Where you going?

I don't know. Anywhere but here.

Listen, this is no way
to retire undefeated.

Oh, forget it.

Wait a minute.

You're making too
much out of all this.

As I said to you before,

once you open your
magnificent establishment

the whole picture will
turn upside down overnight.

Kitty wouldn't sell to me
now, for a million dollars.

For a considerably smaller sum,

I have the solution
to your problem.

Yeah, well, it's the
Long Branch or nothing.

You know how I am, I
want the biggest and the best

- or nothing at all.
- Exactly.

The biggest and the best...

and that's what
you're going to build.


There's a vacant lot right
down here on Front Street.

And I know that we can get it

for half or even a
third of what it's worth.

The owner's a born gambler,
and I know he's out of funds.

- But I can't build...
- Everything...


Plush, lots of
mirrors, bright lights.

It'll make the Long Branch
look like a livery stable.

Oh, certainly it will.

It'll be a beautiful place.

As you say, lights and mirrors.

It'll be full of
people every night.

- That's right.
- (chuckles)

Oh, but Professor,

do you think the people
will really change toward me?

Of course they will.

Just leave everything to me.

I'll do just that.

You still have that vacant
lot, next-door to the feed store?

The one nobody wants?

What if I do?

Well, I might just be willing,

out of the goodness of my heart,

to take it off your hands.

If the price is right.

How much for the lot?

Oh, come on,
Professor, get out of here.

How much?

Five hundred dollars.

I'll give you $300 cash.





Well, what do you think?

Oh, it's a nice lot.

There's a lot of space here.

It's worth $1,500
if it's worth a nickel.

Can you really
get it for $1,000?

I'm certain of it.

That owner's due
here any minute.

Maybe you'd better
give me the money now

and let me do the talking.

That I will.

One thousand dollars.

Now, of course, you realize

that this is all out of
the center of things.

Oh, that's one of
the big advantages,

away from all that
dust and, uh, noise.

Well, I'll settle for that.

It's true all right, isn't it?

And, uh, don't forget,

Bull's Place will be
the center of things.

Well, of course, it will.

Hey! There's-there's
Mr. Freely now.

Uh, you're just on time.

- I am?
- Yeah.

This is Mr. Freely, the owner.

This is Mr. Bannock.

Mr. Freely. It's
nice to know you.

Uh, Gopher, I understand

that you're a little,
uh, short on cash.

Well, I-I got a
couple of dollars.

How would you like
to have a lot of dollars?

For what?

PROFESSOR: For what?!

Well, this
worthless pile of dirt!

The thing we talked about!

It's, uh, it's a
good piece of land.

Yeah, good if you want to
raise prairie dogs, maybe.

Now, Gopher, you know
that I'm a man of my word.

You know that I don't haggle.

I'm gonna make one
final offer and that's all.

All right.

A thousand dollars.

I turned down $2,500,
just a few months ago.

Have you had any offers lately?

Fella might come back.

Gopher, did you ever think

of how far $1,000 would
go in a poker game?

It takes money to make money.

It'd sure shake up that game.

Have we got a deal?

I was... expecting more.

Take it or leave it.

I... I'll take it.

I got the deed right here.

Well, now, then,
Mr. Freely, it's a deal.


Hurts, huh?

Something fierce.

You don't have
to eat it, you know.

Doc, I tell you,
every chew hurts,

but this tastes
too good to stop.

Thad... looks like you
chose the wrong man.

Yeah, I guess I did.

I hoped I'd find you here.

Ah. Sit down, Professor.

Thank you, thank you.

And how are you today?

Fine, thank you, Bull.

The lumber's all set.

I just received a
confirmation of our order.

Fine, fine.

Would you care for some lunch?

No, no, no, we haven't got time.

You won't believe the good
fortune that's befallen us.

BANNOCK: Good fortune?

PROFESSOR: Bull, this
is a coup to end them all.

I just saw...

I'll tell you this,

that professor's been
a busy little old scamp.

Whatever it is he's doing,

it's illegal or close to
it, you can bet on that.

Just be sure you keep
an eye on him, Festus.

What in the Sam Hill do you
think I've been doing, Matthew?

I'm so blamed hungry
I could eat a polecat.

Why, I haven't sat down one time

since you told me to follow him.

You're not going to be sitting
down much longer, either.

- Well...
- DOC: Wait a minute.

For heaven's sake.

What for?

Well, don't just
jump. They just left.

You get too close to
'em, they'll catch you.

Doc, is there anything
that you ain't got advice on?

Good heavens, I've got
enough sense not to go look...

you couldn't track a
bull though a cornfield.

What in thunder's
the matter with you?

They're getting away.

You see there?

Well, of course.
Now's the time to go.

- They're far enough...
- No, you know no such...

You haven't got time
to eat! Get on out...!

Kind of makes
your day, doesn't it?

Oh, it's wonderful.

I never saw anything like it.

Do you want something?

Oh, hello there, Mr. Burke.

We were just looking at
this stuff from the East.

My, uh, my friend was
feeling a little homesick.

Yeah? Maybe your
friend should go back East.

Well! That's not very polite.

There's a lot of
good stuff here.

Yeah. A rich mining man
in Pueblo ordered this stuff.

It was supposed to go the
rest of the way by wagon,

but he went broke
before it got here.

Now they're holding this
stuff for freight charges.

I mean, look at this.

Lamps and-and crystal.


How much do you,
uh, think this is worth?

Well, you see this
chandelier over here?

If it's all in this class,

I'd say give $3,000
or maybe more.

Ah. Well, if I,
uh, handle it right,

maybe I could get
it for less than two.

You mean it?

Well, the commission
broker's on the spot.

He's got to pay
the freight charges.

He wants to get off the hook.

Well, I'd like to get
on the hook, my friend.

Boy, could I build
a place with this!

Here, see how you
make out with that.

Ah. Believe me, friend,
you're in good hands.

I've been wanting to
talk to you about that.

What do you mean?

Well... I...


I'm not very good with words,

you know, all, you
know, about the way I feel.

You see, I-I, I've never
really had any good friends.

For some reason or another,

people just don't
seem to cotton to me.

But you...

well, you've made up for it.

You're the best
friend I ever had.

Well, I had to tell you,

'cause I'm grateful
to you for it.


You make me feel very...

humble, my friend.

Very honored, too.

And I assure you,

with the utmost sincerity,

that I reciprocate completely.

Oh, Mr. Bannock!

Oh, how are you, Mrs. Argyle?

I'm just fine, Mr. Bannock.

I don't know whether I
ought to mention this.

The professor said you
hated to talk about money.

Well, now, that all depends.

Well, the thing is,

I ain't seen the professor,

and your rent was due yesterday.

I thought my room was
paid for a month in advance.

Only for one week.

The professor gave
me ten dollars...

five for each room.

You mean my rent
is not $75 a month?

Seventy-five dollars?!

Why, you could have
the whole house for that.

Burn it down, if you like.

That old fox been lying to you?

Please, madam,
he's a friend of mine.

He's a friend of nobody's.

He don't know the
meaning of the word.

He's as crooked as a snake.

Ask anyone.

I'll do that.

It was shipped out
this morning, by wagon,

to the owner in Pueblo.

But I, uh...

I-I don't understand.

My chandelier...

Who paid the freight bill?

It was paid in advance.

What are you talking about?

Well, the professor said
that this whole thing was...

Oh. Everybody in
town's been wondering

how long it'd take
you to get wise to him.

Oh, they have, have they?

FESTUS: You were right, Matthew.

That little scamp's
up to something.

Just a minute or two ago,

he bought hisself a
ticket clean to Californey.

Festus, keep an eye
on things here, will you?

I'll do it, Matthew.

Don't you worry about nothing!

(door closes)

Well, this is a surprise.

I, uh, I didn't expect you.

What now, Professor?

Going on a little trip, are you?

Oh, just overnight on
a little business deal.

Ah, yes.

All the way to San Francisco?

Uh, Bull, I saw the
broker. It's all set.

He'll have the bill of sale for
that furniture... ready tomorrow.

Professor, I saw somebody, too.

You know the fellow
that I bought the lot from?

He told me quite a story.

Oh, well, he's a
liar. (nervous laugh)

And I talked with Mrs. Argyle

and the freight
agent at the depot.

A-A-And what did
they try to tell you?

My friend, you are a
low-down dirty crook!

Now, don't you lay a hand on me!

Now, stand back,
I'm warning you.

Oh, dear.

How did I ever get mixed
up with the likes of you?

My friend!

Come on, Professor. Get
up and fight like a man.

What's going on here?

What's the matter?



He's dead!



Let me out!

Mr. Bannock, let me out!

Mr. Bannock!

Please, Mr. Bannock!

I want to talk to you, Bannock.

Out of me way, Marshal.

I said I wanted to talk to you.

I've done nothing.
Now out of me way.




Great heavens,
what happened here?


You look awful.


You look wonderful.


No, no, old friend,

I deserve whatever retribution
you had in mind to seek.

Well, honest, Professor, it
wasn't that you should die.

Well, maybe so, but...

Well, now, wait just a
minute here, both of you.

Well, but Marshal, I'm
grateful he isn't dead

and I refuse to have
him arrested for...

"Swindling" is the term.


You mean you're
not pressing charges?

That is my decision.

All right.

Thank you. (clears throat)

Now, what about you?

You mean about my
old friend's impetuosity?

"Assault and
battery" is more like it.

Well, in the face
of his generosity,

how can I do otherwise?

Release him.

All right, now that
just leaves two things.

What's that, Marshal?

Well, the first is paying the
damages at the Long Branch.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll leave Miss Kitty some
money and she can fix

that grand old place
up any way she likes.

All right, fine.

And the other thing?

I want you out of
town in one hour.

Both of you.

Excellent, excellent.

I was heading for
California anyway.

Well, would you
like some company?

I'd be delighted.

You know, a thought just
occurred to me, Professor:

With my money,

and your ingenious ways...
Legalized a bit, of course...

We could have a partnership
that'd just go on and on and on.

Wait a minute.

Marshal, there
is one other thing.

What's that?

It's the belt.

Would you like to have it?

After all, you won
it fair and square.

Well, uh, thanks, Bull,

but, uh, you
better hang on to it.

After all, it, uh,

well, it wasn't exactly
a title fight, you know.

Oh, thanks a lot, Marshal.


You know, when we get
to California, I'm going to...

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for
scenes from next week's Gunsmoke.