Growing Up Fisher (2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Drug/Bust - full transcript

One of the upsides of
my parents splitting up

was I got to spend time just me and dad.

Hi. Regular coffee and
a hot chocolate, please.

Uh, ten marshmallows, two
in and eight on the side.

Two in and zero on the side.

- He's choking!
- Choking. Somebody's choking.

Oh, and my dad was blind

which, I guess, technically
is considered a handicap.

- Uh, d-dad.
- I'm on it.

But ironically the blind
guy didn't see it that way.

Uuhh!



- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Anybody need a baby delivered?

It wasn't all superhero stuff.

Here you go, bud,

there were some downsides
to having a blind dad,

like... finger juice.

But the biggest downside?
His crazy bedtime stories.

For as long as I could remember...

Yep, got this freak infection
and went blind when I was 12.

Went to bed 20/20. Woke up...

Nothing.

Huh.

I was just a little bit
older than you are now.

Anyway, get some sleep, buddy.



Only one part of the story ever changed.

I was just three years older than you.

I was just two years older than you.

I was just a year older than you.

Anyway, get some sleep, buddy.

Looking back, it was completely irrational.

But I was terrified of my 12th birthday.

You know that nightmare

about showing up to
school in your underwear?

I would've killed for that one.

With my birthday just days away,

I was giving myself eye tests
roughly every chance I got.

What's happening here?

Oh! Um, just checking to
see if I have X-ray vision.

Sometimes I think I might.

Oh, bug, try and get that
all out of your system,

or they're gonna destroy
you in high school.

I didn't wanna tell my
family what was worrying me,

because deep down I knew
it was ridiculous...

slash definitely, definitely happening.

Okay, be brutally honest.

Do I look like I'm trying too hard,

not trying at all?

Like, where do I fall
on the trying spectrum?

You're very trying.

Wait, is that my scarf?

And my perfume?

Mom, what did I tell you
about borrowing my stuff?

We have so many great talks, hon.

I don't remember.

Look, I'm gonna be on campus today,

buying my textbooks, and I wanna look nice.

Mom was getting her
degree in family therapy

which, given our family,

should've earned her a minor in irony.

Bye, birthday boy.

It's not my birthday yet, mom.

Three days. Technically I'm still 11.

And you're more like dad every day.

Any other day I would've
taken that as a compliment,

but today I did not.

And that's why I said...

Well, you're more like mom every day.

Since I was sure I was going blind,

Runyen and I came up with a list

of all things I needed to
see before it happened.

Mona Lisa, you gotta see that.

Niagara Falls, breathtaking.

Hold the phone.

I know what you need to
see before you go blind.

Boobs! Naked boobs.

Yeah.

Mel?

It's Principal Sloan from Henry's school.

Well, now it's Principal
Sloan from across the hall.

Yeah, I heard a rumor you were moving in.

That should traumatize Henry nicely.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh... sorry.

- Elvis, no, no.
- That's okay.

He probably just smells my
ex-wife's apricot body splash.

Or the salt from my tears.

- Ha.
- No, it's good.

It's good. It's a fresh start.

Okay, well, I'd help you lug boxes, but...

Oh, no, no, no. Of course.

Yeah, ah. I get outta all kinds of stuff.

Airport runs, charades.

All in all, being blind
is a... pretty sweet deal.

Wendy and I used to play charades.

Whoa, Elvis, your snoot is
out of control today, buddy.

What do you got?

No, leave Katie's stuff alone.

No. Leave it!

Did she leave food in her bag again?

How many times do I have
to give the ant speech?

What's this?

I'm gonna need a new speech.

Well, you don't have to
be a family therapist

to know what's upsetting Henry.

He's obviously anxious
that with the divorce

his birthday is going to
get lost in the shuffle.

Which is why he's gonna
love the surprise party.

Maybe we should tell him.

Should tell him? Let's tell him.

- Henry!
- Or...

we could not tell him
about the surprise party

and have it be a surprise party.

Remind me to stand like this
next time I wear that outfit.

It's really effective.

Hi.

How are you?

What?

Elvis found something in your bag.

- Oh, shoot.
- Uh-huh.

Look, that energy bar was wrapped in foil.

There's no way the ants were after that.

If you're still finding
ants it's 'cause of Henry.

That kid keeps chocolate in every pocket.

What is that?

That's not mine.

Then why was it in your purse?

That'll be 158.52.

Oh, shoot! I don't have my wallet.

I borrowed my daughter's purse yesterday.

Shoot!

So, what, the joint just flew into your bag

all by itself?

Whoa, man!

This bag looks like a mellow
place to hang out, man.

- Who are you supposed to be?
- Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't know about drugs.

How do they talk? I don't know either.

- It's not mine.
- Katie,

you are talking to a trial attorney

with 30 years of experience
dealing with evasive defendants.

I am not a defendant!

Katherine!

What? Are you gonna throw your gavel at me?

I don't have a...

Do you even know what I do for a living?

So mom used my key to
sneak into dad's apartment

to look for her pot,

which she had left in Katie's bag.

Katie?

Katie, is that you?

Katie, I can smell your perfume.

- Actually, Mel, it's me.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, I just brought a box of stuff over

for Henry's surprise party to stash here.

Not stash, uh, store. Store... here.

You know what, actually,
I'm glad you're here.

Will you... have a seat, please?

We really need to talk.

Mom knew what she had to do...

Her classic speak 'n' sneak.

Okay, what's up?

Well, even though we are divorced,

we still need to be a united front

when it comes to the kids, right?

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Ah, boy, there's just no
easy way to tell you this.

What is it, Mel?

Well...

Our daughter is on drugs.

- What?
- Ooh!

Joyce, come on! You know I don't like it

when you speak 'n' sneak.

Dude, I'm telling you, we
go back into your house,

we see Katie in the shower, and...

My sister is not the reference
point I'm looking for,

so stop asking.

This is perfect.

I heard my mom talking about
how Mrs. Glebe breast-feeds

every morning before work.

Breast-feed! It's right in the name.

- Oh, my God, there she is.
- Whoa.

Mrs. Glebe's beautiful.

- Oh, my God.
- Be cool, be cool, be cool.

Uhh...

Abort, abort!

What was that machine doing to her?

Now I wish I was blind!

Maybe it's not hers, Mel.

Maybe it's some other kindhearted person

who just wanted to try it once

and then stupidly, stupidly
left it in Katie's bag.

No, it's hers.

She ran right outta here. Guilty!

Okay, let's not be so quick to judge.

Well, maybe you should be
a little quicker to judge.

I mean, what is going on over there, Joyce?

I'm barely outta the house
and our daughter is on drugs!

- She's not on drugs, Mel.
- Joyce, wake up and smell

- the mariju...
- Okay, it's my pot, okay?

Mine. Yes, mine. Not Katie's.

Yeah... what do you got to say now?

Well, that's not a lot better!

Joyce, I know you're in
this experimental phase,

and you're doing the kale
chips and the meditation app,

but there is a line! Good lord!

What are you, running
a drug den over there?

I've only had the joint a day, all right?

I haven't even tried it yet.

A philosophy major that
I met at orientation

gave it to me when I
complimented her ukulele.

Oh. Well, at least you got it
from some girl with no future.

You're so uptight!

Okay.

You know what, Mel?

I honestly don't care what you think.

When we were married, maybe.

But now that we're getting divorced,

uh-huh, okay?

I've always kinda wanted to try pot.

I've wanted to do a lot of new things...

maybe go vegan, learn to play the drums.

But I never even mentioned
any of those things

because I knew this is how you would react.

Well, then I did my job. You're welcome.

This... is what pushed me away, Mel.

And let me tell you something,
if you don't ease up,

you're gonna push Katie away too.

So if you'll kindly hand over my doobie,

I will be on my way.

Nope. Not gonna happen.

Ah, in a drawer with the pot holders!

Nice touch, Mel!

That's a coincidence.

I would never trivialize
drugs with a humorous...

hiding place.

Thanks again for helping me

take these party things
back over to Joyce's house.

- Oh, no problemo.
- Hello?

♪ Katie, it's your father ♪

Hey, guys, I'll be right there.

It's this boy I met from camp.
He's so obsessed with me.

What?

Well, I just wanted to have a little talk

about our... our miscommunication earlier.

You mean how you falsely
accused me of doing drugs?

Well, yeah, I guess
that was the gist of it.

Katie, I'm really sorry.

Sorry for not believing
me? Sorry for yelling?

Sorry for your general stick up your ass...

ishness?

It's, uh, sort of a blanket apology.

You know what, dad? I can't hear you.

I'm in a meth lab, and it's really loud!

Stick up my ass?

I don't have a stick up my a...

If I had a stick up my ass,

I would've called her out
for using the word "ass."

Right on Colorado.

I'm not uptight. Are
you turning on Colorado?

I think we should stay on apple grove.

Yes, the blind guy correcting the GPS lady

is not at all uptight.

I mean, you're a principal.
Your whole gig is by-the-book.

You know what I'm saying.

Yes, I'm a man of law.

I respect order and I follow the rules.

But I've also smoked pot.

- Really?
- Yep.

I gotta stay current with what's
going on in my students' lives.

Violent video games, Twilight books,

yogurt in tubes,

even the wacky tobacky,
if they're into that.

See, I gotta try it so I know
where they're coming from

without overreacting.

Otherwise I risk alienating them and...

then I've lost them forever.

Like in Twilight when Jacob lost Bella.

Yeah, I think you're right.

I do need to sample stuff
outside my own comfort zone

- so I don't lose them.
- Mel Fisher...

neighbor, dare I say "friend"...

You are so g-d brave.

You're not gonna hug me, are you?

No, I was not.

So... do you have any pot?

I don't know how you say
it. Can you hook me up?

I don't have a guy anymore

since they closed that blockbuster.

Uh, you know what? Never
mind, I think I'm good.

Thank you for helping out,

and, uh, enjoy the rest of your day off.

Okay. What are you up to for dinner?

Yeah. Good boy!

You find drugs better than the real Elvis.

Pot.

Pot.

I'm gonna be a person who smokes pot.

Elvis, maybe you should go upwind.

I don't want you inhaling
any secondhand drug smoke.

Go, buddy!

What? No, I'm not. Wha... who's this?

Give us a sec.

Oh, God.

If you don't have a
prescription, we're gonna have

to write you a citation for possession.

Makes sense. We have laws.

They exist for a reason.

Sorry.

We didn't realize that you were, uh...

non-sighted.

Yeah. Um, I think we're good here.

Take care now, sir.

Wha-wha-what about my citation?

Oh, it's forgotten, sir.

Hey, don't call me sir
just 'cause I'm blind.

We're not.

We're calling you sir
'cause you're like...50.

I don't want special treatment.

This is America, for crying out loud.

You should be arresting me!

Okay. Loosen up, sir.

Cops telling people to loosen up.

This country's going down the tubes.

I don't know if I feel
comfortable doing this.

Oh, you're not comfortable?

Buddy, you got less than 24
hours till your birthday,

then it's lights out.

A girls' high school
locker room is all we got,

so you get comfortable.

Everything's bigger in high school.

Yeah.

If we got stuffed in these lockers,

it wouldn't be that bad.

Quick!

Clear your mind and prepare
for your reference point.

'Cause here they come!

Wait. What are guys doing in here?

What goes on in high school?

Wrong locker room! Abort, abort!

Everything is bigger in high school.

Is this a cry for attention?

Like, do you need more structure
and control in your life?

Or... has this just been
inside of you for a while,

and now that dad's gone
you finally feel free

to explore it, you know?

Kinda like me with my college courses,

and you, I guess, with boys.

Mom, I told you.

We thought it was the girls' locker room.

Just let me out!

I can walk to dad's from here.

If you wanna talk, I'm here for you.

- Hi, Mel.
- Joyce, it's me, Melvin Fisher.

I know, that's why I said, "hi, Mel."

I'm as high as a kite.
I need you to save me.

Where are you?

I'm either in the attic or the basement.

I took stairs to get here.

Joyce, I'm sorry I yelled at you

for wanting to try pot.

You're right, I'm too uptight.

I blame these suckers.

I overcompensate to feel like
I have some kinda control

over my surroundings, you know?

It's okay.

Oh, no.

We missed Henry's surprise party.

It's tomorrow!

Oh, it's tomorrow.

I'm so thirsty. Why am I so thirsty?

Well, there's oj right in front of you.

I'll get you a glass.

Joyce, I have realized something.

I am very difficult.

- I really am.
- I wasn't arguing.

This is amazing.

Have you ever tried orange juice?

- A couple times.
- I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get you a glass.
Will you get me a glass?

Uh-huh.

I think I feel like I have
to have control over my life,

and sometimes that makes me
control you and the kids.

It's like this.

You want orange juice,

and I am giving you finger juice.

And that's not fair.

I'm sure the acidity kills
any of the bad stuff.

- It's a metaphor, Jo-Jo.
- Jo-Jo.

The juice is your life,
and my finger is all...

Oh, no!

It's tomorrow!

Oh, good.

Yep. Never trying pot.

Mom did a pretty good
job at talking dad down

when he was freaking out.

And the next day, he did the same for me...

Not that I was freaking out or anything.

You excited for your birthday, pal?

I don't wanna go blind!

I don't want you to go blind either.

That would mess up our basketball game.

I'm turning 12, and that's
when you went blind.

And now it's too late
to do anything about it

'cause there's only 7 hours and
22 minutes till my birthday.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, Henry...

what I had is not hereditary.

You are not gonna go blind, okay?

How long have you been worried about this?

Not that long. Just like...

five... six years.

Oh, good. So only, like, half your life.

Why didn't you say something sooner?

Because... I didn't want you to think

that I didn't wanna be like you.

Oh, buddy. Come here.

That is the sweetest,

most insane thing I have ever heard.

You thought it would hurt my feelings

that you didn't wanna be blind?

Nobody wants to be blind!

Ha. You think I wanna be blind?

How amazing was this guy?

In my 12 years as his son,

that was the first time I realized

he didn't wanna be blind.

Gimme the ball.

The man never complained about it.

Did that damn hoop fall again?

Oh, he complained about everything else...

Help me find the receipt, pal,

'cause we are taking it back!

But never about the blind thing.

Later, while I was up in my
room playing video games,

mom and dad gathered all
my friends in the basement.

Hey, Mr. Fisher.

Hi, girls!

I like your dog's saddle.

Oh, uh, that's, uh... thank you.

We're going to surprise Henry any minute,

so you need to go make up with your father.

Hi, Mel. Uh, I brought Katie over.

Oh, hi, Katie! Kate-a-roo!

♪ K-T and the sunshine band ♪

- You two need to talk.
- Don't think we do.

You know what, I got this.

Mel, right now, I don't want
you to think of me as your wife.

Ex-wife.

- Or you as my best friend.
- Done.

I want you instead to think of me

as your emotional interpreter.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, God.

No, no, no. Now let's dig deep here.

I think it was Freud who first said...

- Katie, I am so sorry.
- Totally forgiven.

Well, I'm gonna crush those classes.

Ladies! Good to see you.

If you want I can sneak
you into the after-party.

Oh, like you snuck into
the boys' locker room?

So, Melvin. Let's review.

First, you accuse me of having pot.

I told you it wasn't mine,
but did you believe me?

Mm, you did not.

And as it turns out,

not only was it not mine,

it was in fact my mother's.

- She told you.
- She can't not tell me.

She also told me that she didn't smoke it

because you did.

Do I have the facts of the
case correct, counselor?

Indeed you have. Nicely played.

Mel! It's 7:19.

I need you to go get Henry. Chop-chop!

- Okay.
- Yep.

Hey, uh, she also told
me why you smoked it...

Something about wanting
to be a better parent.

I guess that's sweet.

And weird. But... sweet.

Hey, pal.

Mom called, said there's
a fuse out downstairs.

Can you give me a hand? Sure.

Mom and dad thought I was worried

my birthday would get
overshadowed by the divorce.

So they threw me a party I'd never forget.

Just need you to show me
which fuse it is, buddy,

so we can swap it out.

Surpri...

Oh!

Never, ever, ever forget.

Oh! We got ya, man! Right?

Happy Birthday!

Why are you not wearing a shirt?

Yep. Turns out the only boobs
that were seen on my birthday

were mine.