Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 17 - Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins - full transcript
Carol is determined to get a nose job even without her parents' permission, and Mike is surprised when he finds out his teasing may be responsible.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad, how
the heck are you guys?
Hi, honey, we're fine.
How was school today, Ben?
Fantastic.
- That good, huh?
- Wait till you hear.
When the principal was finished
doing the announcements over the PA...
she got a shock when she touched the
microphone and yelled out a naughty word.
So that's what made
it a fantastic day?
You bet.
Boy, you could hear that dirty
word echoing through the halls.
Well, look who made it
through another day of school.
Yeah, just barely.
Hey, Dad, do you think I
could borrow about $217?
Okay, I'll settle for 5.
WZLP time is 4:15and that's...
jackpot call-in time.
Two thousand big ones
in the hopper right now.
Just waiting for you to call555-LOOT
and tell me the name of this song.
- That's...
- I know the song.
Ben, I got it, I got...
- Dial already.
- All right, all right.
- Hurry up.
- Go, Mike, go.
Carol's been driving me
crazy playing that song.
Boy, am I glad she's my sister.
Doesn't that get you right here?
Hi, listen, I know
the song. It's...
Aw, it's a recording.
All the lines are busy.
What a shame, Mike.
Well, maybe next time.
Yeah, Dad, since I didn't win
the 2000, how about the 5?
This isn't your day, Mike.
I got news that
will cheer you up.
Wait till you hear what
Mrs. Gunn said over the PA.
Don't you dare quote her.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Carol, a breath of normalcy. Ha, ha.
Oh, listen, I need a note from one
of you for that field trip next week.
I need canned
food for the charity.
- Great.
- And I really need a nose job.
Sure.
- Did she just say...? And I said...?
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Carol.
- Carol.
- Carol.
- Yes?
- Did you just say...?
- What's this...?
- After you.
- Go ahead.
- Did you just say...?
- Honey, what's this...? I give up.
Did you just say you
wanted a nose job?
I knew you guys would be upset.
- Oh, we're not upset, honey.
- Of course not.
- We wanna know what this is about.
- But we certainly aren't upset.
We'd be upset if we thought
you were serious about it.
I am.
Well, then, we're upset.
I've been thinking
about this for a long time.
And then this girl in my Latin
class came in after having it done.
And, Mom, she looks great.
But, honey, you
have a cute nose.
You have a perky
little button nose.
Yeah, you have
your mother's nose.
I know.
No, Mom, Mom, it
looks good on you.
You can get away
with a big nose.
No, I mean, because all
your other features are big too.
I don't mean big, I just mean...
Carol, give up.
Carol, who says
you have a big nose?
Well, I do, and that's
what matters, right?
Hey, Carol, someone named
Charlotte Bowser is on the phone.
Oh, great, she's giving me all the
information about her plastic surgeon.
Carol, wait, we're
talking to you.
Oh, I know, but
this is important.
Wait, wait a minute,
did I just hear right?
Is Carol actually
considering plastic surgery?
Mike, this doesn't concern you.
Okay, all right, but before I
go, I just wanted to say bravo.
This isn't like Carol.
You know, where did she get
this hyper-concern for her looks?
Maggie?
What's wrong with my nose?
Your nose is beautiful.
Your nose is the first part
of you that I fell in love with.
When I get a picture
of you in my mind...
all I see are those two
come-hither nostrils.
Look, look at this, as far as
noses go this is perfection.
God should have such a
nose. What am I saying?
This is the nose of God.
Because you're frustrated with Carol does
not mean you have to take it out on me.
Oh, I'm not frustrated,
I'm just confused.
I mean, why would our sensible
Carol wanna get her face rearranged...
just because someone
named Charlotte Bowser did it?
Hey, hey, hey, is it true?
Carol's getting a face transplant?
Ben, let me give you some
advice, all right? Don't listen to Mike.
That applies not only to this
case, but to life in general.
Jason, you know what?
This nose thing is just a phase.
I mean, a lot of teenage
girls go through it.
And I know it's hard to
believe, but even I did.
- Oh, I believe it.
- You do?
I mean, with great difficulty.
You're right, this is a phase.
And I know just
what to do about it.
We sit her down, we talk
to her, we ask her reasons...
and we have an
intelligent dialogue...
between a responsible child
and her supportive parents.
We ask her all the right
questions and Carol will see...
that she hasn't thought
this thing through at all.
A nose job, or rhinoplasty,
is an outpatient procedure...
normally involving a local anesthetic
that wears off in about four hours.
It's recommended that the patient
remain in bed for one additional day.
There's discoloration of the
nose and orbits of the eyes...
as a result from hematoma
from blows of the mallet.
And it costs only $2400.
What did I say? She hasn't
thought this through at all.
First of all, I'm still the same
Carol who gets straight A's...
and thinks everything through.
And this is not a whim or an adolescent
phase, if that's what you're thinking.
Oh, not me.
The basic question here is:
Do you believe that the size of a person's
nose can affect the course of their life?
- Well...
- Explain Karl Malden.
Let's keep the size of Karl
Malden's honker out of this, okay?
We wanna find out why
you want this surgery.
Well, I'd feel better about the way I
look and I'd feel better about myself.
Oh, honey, there's nothing
wrong with the way you look.
Remember when you started
working out with weights?
Yeah.
And, Mom, remember when
you started coloring your hair?
I add occasional highlights.
Don't you see?
You guys did those things so you'd
feel better about the way you look.
That's all I'm asking.
Your mother and I
have to discuss this.
So would you mind
stepping out of the room?
Sure, sure.
Could you step
a little further out?
Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
Jason, this discussion
is a great touch...
because Carol will think we actually
considered this before we said no.
Well...
Don't say well, I
know that well too well.
I don't want this more than you do. But
we've relied on Carol's common sense.
Which she has taken leave of.
There's no point to start
treating her like she's Ben's age.
She'll get used to it.
We should go and tell her
she can have the nose job.
- Jason.
- If she pays for it herself.
For every dime she has to save,
she'll have time to think if it's worth it.
Twenty four hundred dollars,
that's a lot of thinking, Maggie.
But, honey, what if she saves the
money and she still wants a nose job?
By the time Carol saves $2400,
she's gonna need a facelift.
Ten dollars a week
into 2400 is 224...
divided by 52 is...
four-and-a-half years?
Hello, Michael.
Hot shirt.
No, Carol, I don't have
any money to lend you.
And, you know, it really pains me to say
that, knowing what a worthy cause this is.
Oh, go squeeze some zits.
Oh, now, what a rude thing
to say, especially to a guy...
who happens to know a job
where you can make big money.
- What job?
- No, no, no.
It's too late, Carol, I'm hurt.
Oh, come on, Mike.
I'm sorry. What job?
Truly sorry?
In tears. What's the job?
Well, word is...
American Express needs
someone to replace Karl Malden.
You scum.
All right, all right, so it's a little
joke, I was just kidding there.
Okay, all right, all right,
let's be serious now, Carol.
Okay, now come on, Carol, you don't
need to spend all that money on a nose job.
Right, because I'm
beautiful already.
No, I said let's be serious.
Now, look, I know where you
can get a nose job for half the price.
Well, how?
Igor!
Your credit is good with me.
Dinner.
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy. Liver!
Liver is good for you.
Oh, is that liver I smell?
Yes, and it's got
lots of iron in it.
Oh, Mom, can't we just
eat the skillet instead?
What in the world?
Since I have to wait so long
to save the money I need...
I decided to camouflage
my facial deformity...
with the subtle use of makeup.
Looking good, Carol.
That's enough, Carol, upstairs
right now and wash it off.
- But, Mom...
- It's not gonna work, Carol.
You're still gonna have to
save the money yourself.
Oh, well, fine.
Okay, fine, fine, I'll go
upstairs to my room, fine.
But I just want you to know I
am never coming out, okay?
Just think about
it, never. I don't...
Now exactly what are you doing?
Getting sent to my
room without dinner.
- No, you're getting a double portion.
- No, no, Dad, no.
- And you too, Ben.
- Hey.
All right, it's
jackpot call-in time.
Oh, I'm not
missing it this time.
We've put another $1000 into
the jackpot for the fifth caller...
- to identify our mystery song.
- Shh, shh.
I got it, it's the same
song. I got this one.
Hey, Carol, Carol, get
off the phone right now.
Off, now.
Pick up the phone, let's go.
I don't believe this.
I know the name of this song and
Carol will not let me use the phone.
Here's our fifth caller.
Hi, what's your answer?
"In The Name of Love."
That is absolutely right.
What's your name, honey?
Carol Seaver.
- What?
- Well, Carol Seaver, you just won $3000.
Do you know what you're
gonna do with all that money?
I sure do.
Honey, we're saying no...
for your own good.
Speaking of our own good.
How can this possibly be...
for my own good?
Carol, we're a little
older, a little wiser.
We have a little bit
more perspective.
I know, but the situation's
changed, and we...
It's for your own good.
Breaking your solemn
promise is for my own good?
Well, sometimes parents
just have to be unfair.
I'm gonna remember this day.
The day that my parents
gave me their word.
And then broke it.
Whoa, boy, am I full.
- Yeah, liver wasn't as bad as I thought.
- Huh?
Oh, yeah, I just couldn't
stop eating that stuff, Mom.
Can we be excused?
Okay.
- Jason.
- I was just thinking, you know, I'd...
All right, I know we've stopped
Carol, but at what price?
Now we'll never know why she's
upset about the way she looks.
Maybe she'll never know.
What's causing this
negative self-image?
I just can't help but feel that we're
cutting off our own nose to spite our face.
Okay, bad choice of words.
Mike?
Okay, Brooke, you win.
Mike, come on, get up.
Brooke.
Oh, Carol, no, what's going on?
Mike, come on, I need your help.
Carol, get lost.
It's worth 50 bucks.
All right, name it.
Okay, I need you to drive me
somewhere without anybody knowing.
- Where?
- What difference does it make?
A lot. Carol, look, I don't want my
friends seeing me driving you around.
All right, I need you to drive me
to the doctor's building downtown.
The doctor's building?
Yeah, don't worry, you won't
run into any of your friends there.
They're beyond medicine.
Are you really going
through with this nose thing?
It's none of your business.
You know, that doctor is not gonna
do anything without parents' consent.
Maybe getting Mom and Dad to sign a
consent form isn't such a problem at all.
Forgery.
Shh!
You know, I had no idea
you could be so slimy.
You're okay.
Okay, now where was I?
- No.
- No.
You didn't have to come up here.
Well, yeah, I just didn't
wanna wait in the car.
You want me to leave?
- Well, as long as you're here.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Name?
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I have an appointment
with Dr. Calabash...
for a preliminary
consultation for rhinoplasty.
I have the consent
form here, see?
My parents' signature,
my father's signature.
I'll have to pay in cash
before the procedure.
So I'll just wait there until
you call me. Thank you.
Name?
Oh, yes, how silly
of me. I am so sorry.
Just... I get really
nervous around doctors.
And receptionists.
Anyone in white, actually.
Name?
- It's Carol Seaver.
- Her name.
It is.
Oh.
He's a well-respected
psychiatrist.
My father.
Not him, he's my stupid brother.
Thank you.
Smooth.
Yes, do you have a listing
for a Dr. Jason Seaver?
Okay, okay.
Hello?
Dr. Seaver is either with a
mental patient or in the bathroom.
Dad! Dad!
Ben, you know the rules.
You don't interrupt
when I'm with a patient.
Mental patient.
- Hi, honey.
- Do you wanna talk to my mom?
You're welcome very
much. Here, Mom.
Thanks.
Hello?
Yes, Carol's my daughter.
She's there?
Where's there?
Now, all right, excuse
me, who is Dr. Calabash?
What?
No, we certainly did
not sign a consent form.
No, no, no, please, don't say a
word to her. We'll be right down.
Yes, thank you.
Jason?
He's with a mental patient.
I cannot believe this.
Oh, can you believe somebody would
actually do that to themselves on purpose?
Oh, sorry.
Mike, if you're gonna say stuff
like that, wait in the car, okay?
Look, I'm sorry, I just meant
that it looked like major pain.
- Mike.
- Oh, right.
Look, Carol, if you're so chicken
about this why are you even doing this?
You know very
well why I'm doing it.
You're just setting me up
for one of your little jokes.
What jokes?
Oh, I don't know, probably
some stupid little joke like:
"Carol, if you really
wanna improve your looks...
why not just get
a new flea collar?"
Hey, that's good.
I like that, Carol.
Hey, you said it.
I just beat you
to it, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I have come
up with a zinger or two in my day.
Yeah.
Kind of like the time I told
you to go break a mirror.
Or the time I told Eddie
you were in a bad mood...
because you had to be wormed.
Wait a minute, Carol, are you saying
that all my little jokes about you...
being ugly have something to
do with you coming here today?
Of course not.
- You're lying.
- I am not.
Ha.
Heh. If you think I'm even aware that
you've been calling me funny-looking...
for the past all my
life, you're crazy.
Look, Carol, why would
you even listen to me?
Come on, Carol,
look, you're my sister.
All right? I'm supposed
to call you ugly.
It's my job.
I suppose you're gonna
say you didn't mean it.
Oh, look...
All right, look, did you mean it all those
times you called me so incredibly stupid?
All right, all right,
bad example.
But, Carol, come on, this is brother
and sister stuff here, you know?
I mean, look, look,
Eddie calls his sister ugly.
Boner thinks his sister is ugly.
Boner's sister is ugly.
That's not the point, Carol.
The point is you're not ugly.
As a matter of fact, in
the last couple of years...
you've been looking kind of...
You've been getting
better-looking.
Oh, sure.
Look, Carol, this is
tough for me, all right?
Look, I mean, I see the way guys
look at you and I know that look.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I mean...
You know, when your friends look at
your sister that way, it's kind of weird.
So you're saying I'm...
Pretty.
What?
Pretty.
I said I think
you're kind of pretty.
Wow.
You think I'm pretty.
Yeah, and if you have
any sensitivity at all...
you will never, ever tell anyone I
said you weren't a total bow-wow, okay?
- Carol, how dare you disobey us.
- Mom, Dad.
I never thought I'd hear myself
saying this, but you are grounded.
- Wait...
- No explanations.
- You are not getting a nose job.
- I know.
- What?
- I'm not getting a nose job.
Don't confuse us by agreeing with us,
Carol, and we'll talk about this at home.
- We have to convince you that...
- I don't want a nose job.
I don't need a nose job.
I look fine just the way I am.
In fact, I might
even be a little bit...
pretty.
Did you have
anything to do with this?
Me? Hey, I was trying to convince
her to go for a whole new head.
What?
Well, I just need to know,
do you really think that...?
Oh, yes, honey, your
nose is wonderful.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
Do you think your
nose is perfect?
Sure.
- Oh.
- Why?
Oh, no reason.
Maggie, there's nothing
wrong with my nose, okay?
And frankly, I'm a little
tired of all this nose talk.
I agree, sweetheart.
It's itchy. I... I scratch.
Honk, honk! Ha, ha, ha.
the heck are you guys?
Hi, honey, we're fine.
How was school today, Ben?
Fantastic.
- That good, huh?
- Wait till you hear.
When the principal was finished
doing the announcements over the PA...
she got a shock when she touched the
microphone and yelled out a naughty word.
So that's what made
it a fantastic day?
You bet.
Boy, you could hear that dirty
word echoing through the halls.
Well, look who made it
through another day of school.
Yeah, just barely.
Hey, Dad, do you think I
could borrow about $217?
Okay, I'll settle for 5.
WZLP time is 4:15and that's...
jackpot call-in time.
Two thousand big ones
in the hopper right now.
Just waiting for you to call555-LOOT
and tell me the name of this song.
- That's...
- I know the song.
Ben, I got it, I got...
- Dial already.
- All right, all right.
- Hurry up.
- Go, Mike, go.
Carol's been driving me
crazy playing that song.
Boy, am I glad she's my sister.
Doesn't that get you right here?
Hi, listen, I know
the song. It's...
Aw, it's a recording.
All the lines are busy.
What a shame, Mike.
Well, maybe next time.
Yeah, Dad, since I didn't win
the 2000, how about the 5?
This isn't your day, Mike.
I got news that
will cheer you up.
Wait till you hear what
Mrs. Gunn said over the PA.
Don't you dare quote her.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Carol, a breath of normalcy. Ha, ha.
Oh, listen, I need a note from one
of you for that field trip next week.
I need canned
food for the charity.
- Great.
- And I really need a nose job.
Sure.
- Did she just say...? And I said...?
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Carol.
- Carol.
- Carol.
- Yes?
- Did you just say...?
- What's this...?
- After you.
- Go ahead.
- Did you just say...?
- Honey, what's this...? I give up.
Did you just say you
wanted a nose job?
I knew you guys would be upset.
- Oh, we're not upset, honey.
- Of course not.
- We wanna know what this is about.
- But we certainly aren't upset.
We'd be upset if we thought
you were serious about it.
I am.
Well, then, we're upset.
I've been thinking
about this for a long time.
And then this girl in my Latin
class came in after having it done.
And, Mom, she looks great.
But, honey, you
have a cute nose.
You have a perky
little button nose.
Yeah, you have
your mother's nose.
I know.
No, Mom, Mom, it
looks good on you.
You can get away
with a big nose.
No, I mean, because all
your other features are big too.
I don't mean big, I just mean...
Carol, give up.
Carol, who says
you have a big nose?
Well, I do, and that's
what matters, right?
Hey, Carol, someone named
Charlotte Bowser is on the phone.
Oh, great, she's giving me all the
information about her plastic surgeon.
Carol, wait, we're
talking to you.
Oh, I know, but
this is important.
Wait, wait a minute,
did I just hear right?
Is Carol actually
considering plastic surgery?
Mike, this doesn't concern you.
Okay, all right, but before I
go, I just wanted to say bravo.
This isn't like Carol.
You know, where did she get
this hyper-concern for her looks?
Maggie?
What's wrong with my nose?
Your nose is beautiful.
Your nose is the first part
of you that I fell in love with.
When I get a picture
of you in my mind...
all I see are those two
come-hither nostrils.
Look, look at this, as far as
noses go this is perfection.
God should have such a
nose. What am I saying?
This is the nose of God.
Because you're frustrated with Carol does
not mean you have to take it out on me.
Oh, I'm not frustrated,
I'm just confused.
I mean, why would our sensible
Carol wanna get her face rearranged...
just because someone
named Charlotte Bowser did it?
Hey, hey, hey, is it true?
Carol's getting a face transplant?
Ben, let me give you some
advice, all right? Don't listen to Mike.
That applies not only to this
case, but to life in general.
Jason, you know what?
This nose thing is just a phase.
I mean, a lot of teenage
girls go through it.
And I know it's hard to
believe, but even I did.
- Oh, I believe it.
- You do?
I mean, with great difficulty.
You're right, this is a phase.
And I know just
what to do about it.
We sit her down, we talk
to her, we ask her reasons...
and we have an
intelligent dialogue...
between a responsible child
and her supportive parents.
We ask her all the right
questions and Carol will see...
that she hasn't thought
this thing through at all.
A nose job, or rhinoplasty,
is an outpatient procedure...
normally involving a local anesthetic
that wears off in about four hours.
It's recommended that the patient
remain in bed for one additional day.
There's discoloration of the
nose and orbits of the eyes...
as a result from hematoma
from blows of the mallet.
And it costs only $2400.
What did I say? She hasn't
thought this through at all.
First of all, I'm still the same
Carol who gets straight A's...
and thinks everything through.
And this is not a whim or an adolescent
phase, if that's what you're thinking.
Oh, not me.
The basic question here is:
Do you believe that the size of a person's
nose can affect the course of their life?
- Well...
- Explain Karl Malden.
Let's keep the size of Karl
Malden's honker out of this, okay?
We wanna find out why
you want this surgery.
Well, I'd feel better about the way I
look and I'd feel better about myself.
Oh, honey, there's nothing
wrong with the way you look.
Remember when you started
working out with weights?
Yeah.
And, Mom, remember when
you started coloring your hair?
I add occasional highlights.
Don't you see?
You guys did those things so you'd
feel better about the way you look.
That's all I'm asking.
Your mother and I
have to discuss this.
So would you mind
stepping out of the room?
Sure, sure.
Could you step
a little further out?
Oh, yeah, okay, fine.
Jason, this discussion
is a great touch...
because Carol will think we actually
considered this before we said no.
Well...
Don't say well, I
know that well too well.
I don't want this more than you do. But
we've relied on Carol's common sense.
Which she has taken leave of.
There's no point to start
treating her like she's Ben's age.
She'll get used to it.
We should go and tell her
she can have the nose job.
- Jason.
- If she pays for it herself.
For every dime she has to save,
she'll have time to think if it's worth it.
Twenty four hundred dollars,
that's a lot of thinking, Maggie.
But, honey, what if she saves the
money and she still wants a nose job?
By the time Carol saves $2400,
she's gonna need a facelift.
Ten dollars a week
into 2400 is 224...
divided by 52 is...
four-and-a-half years?
Hello, Michael.
Hot shirt.
No, Carol, I don't have
any money to lend you.
And, you know, it really pains me to say
that, knowing what a worthy cause this is.
Oh, go squeeze some zits.
Oh, now, what a rude thing
to say, especially to a guy...
who happens to know a job
where you can make big money.
- What job?
- No, no, no.
It's too late, Carol, I'm hurt.
Oh, come on, Mike.
I'm sorry. What job?
Truly sorry?
In tears. What's the job?
Well, word is...
American Express needs
someone to replace Karl Malden.
You scum.
All right, all right, so it's a little
joke, I was just kidding there.
Okay, all right, all right,
let's be serious now, Carol.
Okay, now come on, Carol, you don't
need to spend all that money on a nose job.
Right, because I'm
beautiful already.
No, I said let's be serious.
Now, look, I know where you
can get a nose job for half the price.
Well, how?
Igor!
Your credit is good with me.
Dinner.
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy. Liver!
Liver is good for you.
Oh, is that liver I smell?
Yes, and it's got
lots of iron in it.
Oh, Mom, can't we just
eat the skillet instead?
What in the world?
Since I have to wait so long
to save the money I need...
I decided to camouflage
my facial deformity...
with the subtle use of makeup.
Looking good, Carol.
That's enough, Carol, upstairs
right now and wash it off.
- But, Mom...
- It's not gonna work, Carol.
You're still gonna have to
save the money yourself.
Oh, well, fine.
Okay, fine, fine, I'll go
upstairs to my room, fine.
But I just want you to know I
am never coming out, okay?
Just think about
it, never. I don't...
Now exactly what are you doing?
Getting sent to my
room without dinner.
- No, you're getting a double portion.
- No, no, Dad, no.
- And you too, Ben.
- Hey.
All right, it's
jackpot call-in time.
Oh, I'm not
missing it this time.
We've put another $1000 into
the jackpot for the fifth caller...
- to identify our mystery song.
- Shh, shh.
I got it, it's the same
song. I got this one.
Hey, Carol, Carol, get
off the phone right now.
Off, now.
Pick up the phone, let's go.
I don't believe this.
I know the name of this song and
Carol will not let me use the phone.
Here's our fifth caller.
Hi, what's your answer?
"In The Name of Love."
That is absolutely right.
What's your name, honey?
Carol Seaver.
- What?
- Well, Carol Seaver, you just won $3000.
Do you know what you're
gonna do with all that money?
I sure do.
Honey, we're saying no...
for your own good.
Speaking of our own good.
How can this possibly be...
for my own good?
Carol, we're a little
older, a little wiser.
We have a little bit
more perspective.
I know, but the situation's
changed, and we...
It's for your own good.
Breaking your solemn
promise is for my own good?
Well, sometimes parents
just have to be unfair.
I'm gonna remember this day.
The day that my parents
gave me their word.
And then broke it.
Whoa, boy, am I full.
- Yeah, liver wasn't as bad as I thought.
- Huh?
Oh, yeah, I just couldn't
stop eating that stuff, Mom.
Can we be excused?
Okay.
- Jason.
- I was just thinking, you know, I'd...
All right, I know we've stopped
Carol, but at what price?
Now we'll never know why she's
upset about the way she looks.
Maybe she'll never know.
What's causing this
negative self-image?
I just can't help but feel that we're
cutting off our own nose to spite our face.
Okay, bad choice of words.
Mike?
Okay, Brooke, you win.
Mike, come on, get up.
Brooke.
Oh, Carol, no, what's going on?
Mike, come on, I need your help.
Carol, get lost.
It's worth 50 bucks.
All right, name it.
Okay, I need you to drive me
somewhere without anybody knowing.
- Where?
- What difference does it make?
A lot. Carol, look, I don't want my
friends seeing me driving you around.
All right, I need you to drive me
to the doctor's building downtown.
The doctor's building?
Yeah, don't worry, you won't
run into any of your friends there.
They're beyond medicine.
Are you really going
through with this nose thing?
It's none of your business.
You know, that doctor is not gonna
do anything without parents' consent.
Maybe getting Mom and Dad to sign a
consent form isn't such a problem at all.
Forgery.
Shh!
You know, I had no idea
you could be so slimy.
You're okay.
Okay, now where was I?
- No.
- No.
You didn't have to come up here.
Well, yeah, I just didn't
wanna wait in the car.
You want me to leave?
- Well, as long as you're here.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Name?
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Hi, I have an appointment
with Dr. Calabash...
for a preliminary
consultation for rhinoplasty.
I have the consent
form here, see?
My parents' signature,
my father's signature.
I'll have to pay in cash
before the procedure.
So I'll just wait there until
you call me. Thank you.
Name?
Oh, yes, how silly
of me. I am so sorry.
Just... I get really
nervous around doctors.
And receptionists.
Anyone in white, actually.
Name?
- It's Carol Seaver.
- Her name.
It is.
Oh.
He's a well-respected
psychiatrist.
My father.
Not him, he's my stupid brother.
Thank you.
Smooth.
Yes, do you have a listing
for a Dr. Jason Seaver?
Okay, okay.
Hello?
Dr. Seaver is either with a
mental patient or in the bathroom.
Dad! Dad!
Ben, you know the rules.
You don't interrupt
when I'm with a patient.
Mental patient.
- Hi, honey.
- Do you wanna talk to my mom?
You're welcome very
much. Here, Mom.
Thanks.
Hello?
Yes, Carol's my daughter.
She's there?
Where's there?
Now, all right, excuse
me, who is Dr. Calabash?
What?
No, we certainly did
not sign a consent form.
No, no, no, please, don't say a
word to her. We'll be right down.
Yes, thank you.
Jason?
He's with a mental patient.
I cannot believe this.
Oh, can you believe somebody would
actually do that to themselves on purpose?
Oh, sorry.
Mike, if you're gonna say stuff
like that, wait in the car, okay?
Look, I'm sorry, I just meant
that it looked like major pain.
- Mike.
- Oh, right.
Look, Carol, if you're so chicken
about this why are you even doing this?
You know very
well why I'm doing it.
You're just setting me up
for one of your little jokes.
What jokes?
Oh, I don't know, probably
some stupid little joke like:
"Carol, if you really
wanna improve your looks...
why not just get
a new flea collar?"
Hey, that's good.
I like that, Carol.
Hey, you said it.
I just beat you
to it, that's all.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I have come
up with a zinger or two in my day.
Yeah.
Kind of like the time I told
you to go break a mirror.
Or the time I told Eddie
you were in a bad mood...
because you had to be wormed.
Wait a minute, Carol, are you saying
that all my little jokes about you...
being ugly have something to
do with you coming here today?
Of course not.
- You're lying.
- I am not.
Ha.
Heh. If you think I'm even aware that
you've been calling me funny-looking...
for the past all my
life, you're crazy.
Look, Carol, why would
you even listen to me?
Come on, Carol,
look, you're my sister.
All right? I'm supposed
to call you ugly.
It's my job.
I suppose you're gonna
say you didn't mean it.
Oh, look...
All right, look, did you mean it all those
times you called me so incredibly stupid?
All right, all right,
bad example.
But, Carol, come on, this is brother
and sister stuff here, you know?
I mean, look, look,
Eddie calls his sister ugly.
Boner thinks his sister is ugly.
Boner's sister is ugly.
That's not the point, Carol.
The point is you're not ugly.
As a matter of fact, in
the last couple of years...
you've been looking kind of...
You've been getting
better-looking.
Oh, sure.
Look, Carol, this is
tough for me, all right?
Look, I mean, I see the way guys
look at you and I know that look.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I mean...
You know, when your friends look at
your sister that way, it's kind of weird.
So you're saying I'm...
Pretty.
What?
Pretty.
I said I think
you're kind of pretty.
Wow.
You think I'm pretty.
Yeah, and if you have
any sensitivity at all...
you will never, ever tell anyone I
said you weren't a total bow-wow, okay?
- Carol, how dare you disobey us.
- Mom, Dad.
I never thought I'd hear myself
saying this, but you are grounded.
- Wait...
- No explanations.
- You are not getting a nose job.
- I know.
- What?
- I'm not getting a nose job.
Don't confuse us by agreeing with us,
Carol, and we'll talk about this at home.
- We have to convince you that...
- I don't want a nose job.
I don't need a nose job.
I look fine just the way I am.
In fact, I might
even be a little bit...
pretty.
Did you have
anything to do with this?
Me? Hey, I was trying to convince
her to go for a whole new head.
What?
Well, I just need to know,
do you really think that...?
Oh, yes, honey, your
nose is wonderful.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
Do you think your
nose is perfect?
Sure.
- Oh.
- Why?
Oh, no reason.
Maggie, there's nothing
wrong with my nose, okay?
And frankly, I'm a little
tired of all this nose talk.
I agree, sweetheart.
It's itchy. I... I scratch.
Honk, honk! Ha, ha, ha.