Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 16 - My Brother, Myself - full transcript

Let's go, let's go, let's
go! We're gonna be late!

Ben, do you have to yell?

Sure, I'm excited.

Well, then, go outside.

BEN: What the heck's taking
so long? We've gotta move!

Get back inside, Ben.

I'm sorry, Dad, I lost control.

Yes, and everyone
on the block knows it.

I can't help it.

How many kids get to spend their Friday
night at a live taping of The Cosby Show?

I know, I'm excited too, Ben,
but you don't hear me yelling.



Come on, let's go!

What's taking Mom
and Carol so darn long?

I guess you're finally
old enough to hear this.

- What?
- Women are always late.

- Why?
- No one knows, Ben.

It's just the way it is
and always has been.

We could leave without them.

This is it, the next thing you
have to learn about women, Ben...

they hate when you ditch them.

- Why are they always late?
- I didn't say women made sense.

What?

I said they make
tremendous sense. Ha, ha.

Let's face it, Ben,
they're just better than us.

Oh, you look great.



Does she look great? You look...

I'm gonna start the car.

Do we have to
wait for Carol too?

- She's your sister.
- So?

All set. How do I look?

Great. Mike, we're leaving.

Okay, you guys have fun.

Hey, Carol, come on,
aren't you gonna get ready?

May your date tonight
turn out to be the

most embarrassing
event of your entire life.

Mike, I don't get it.

How could you go and mess
around with some stupid girl...

when you could see the taping
of the number one show on TV?

When puberty hits,
you'll get it, Ben.

Dad already told me about
girls. I'm not impressed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wasn't that a great
ending? Ha, ha.

I missed it.

I can't believe I missed it.

Oh, no. Puberty.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

MIKE: All right, I made it.

[SCREAMS]

What the...?

Ben, what are you doing?

Mike, I had to talk to you
and I didn't wanna miss you.

You almost killed me.

But, Mike, something
weird happened tonight.

- What?
- Puberty.

- Get out of here.
- I'm not kidding.

I mean, there I was
laughing, having a great time.

I look over and
there's this girl, and

she's looking at me
real funny and she goes:

And, bang, I heard this
weird kind of music...

and everything looked
goofy and I was sweating.

I felt, I don't know, kind of like
my body didn't quite fit anymore.

Yep, that's puberty, all right.

It was gross. How do I stop it?

Ah, you can't, Ben. See,
nobody stops puberty.

Well, how long does it last?

You never know, I
mean, it could last forever.

Look at Michael J. Fox.

Well, I'm confused.

Yeah, you gotta learn
to live with it, Ben.

- Like you have?
- Right.

But I don't wanna make a jerk out of myself
every time a girl walks into the room.

- Who says I do that?
- Mom.

You're just gonna have to
take my word on this one.

Now, puberty is fantastic.

I mean, it's like an
amusement park filled with girls.

But I hate girls.

Oh, come on, Ben, think about
that. Do you really hate girls?

Yes! No!

- No, I don't hate girls!
- Easy, easy.

But, Mike, I don't know
anything about girls.

What do I say to them?

Ben, listen...

Explain girls, Mike,
please, please, please.

- You're gonna have to talk to Dad, okay?
- I can't do that, Mike.

This is private, help me.

Okay, look, Ben, I'll
be straight with you.

Dad made me promise that if you ever
came to me with any questions on sex...

I wouldn't say a word.

Who's talking about sex?
I wanna know about girls.

Hi.

MAGGIE: Good morning, Benny.

Are you wearing aftershave?

Yeah.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Would you guys mind if I didn't
talk? I've got stuff to think about.

Think away.

Jason, you know
what would be fun?

- Tonight, you and I go out on a date.
- Date?

You remember those? We used to
have them when we were teenagers.

- Those.
- Yeah, we get all dressed up.

Go out for a nice
dinner, a little dancing.

I mean, how long has it
been since we've done that?

How old is Mike?

How about it, sailor?

Oh, I don't know...

Ben, what do you think?
You got any advice?

I don't even know what you're
supposed to do on a date.

- Well, you go out, have a good time.
- Doing what?

Well, it doesn't matter
exactly what you're doing, Ben.

What matters is that you're spending
time with the one who captured your heart.

How do you know she's
captured your heart?

- She pays.
- Jason.

Kidding. You know I'm
kidding, don't you, Ben?

Oh, yeah.

- Well, then, you got a date, honey.
- Oh, great.

I'll go call a sitter.

I don't need a babysitter.

MAGGIE: Yes, you do, Ben.

- Dad?
- We've been through this before, Ben.

Oh, great, a whole stupid
boring night with a 12-year-old girl.

Hmm...

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Hey, babe, what's happening?

How come you're
talking to yourself?

I'm not talking to myself,
I'm just rehearsing my moves.

- What are moves?
- They're what you put on girls.

Oh, yeah.

How come you do that?

In order to look cool, Ben.

See, it's just as important
to look cool as it is to be cool.

- But you're wearing your old pants.
- Well, yeah.

Although it is
important to look cool...

the worst thing I could do is to
make it look like I went out of my way.

- Why?
- Why?

Ben, look, girls don't
like guys who are wimps.

They like guys who are
a little bit unpredictable.

The kind of guy who's
a little bit dangerous.

Kind of guy who can get
into trouble at any moment.

So Pee Wee Herman probably
has more dates than he can handle.

Get out. Get out, Ben.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Dad, I'm gonna let you in on a little
secret, okay? Girls are always late.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So who's the lucky girl tonight?

Well, I'm going out with
Sheena "Woo-Woo" Berkowitz.

See you later, Dad.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Woo-Woo?

Come on, Maggie, the
reservation is for 7:30.

Wow, you're gonna
be late. See you.

Wait now, let me get this
straight, you are going where?

Bobby's taking me to a
movie, I'm waiting on the porch.

When he comes in, he has to
talk to you, makes him nervous.

So I figured I'd wait for him
outside and spare him the pain.

Well, how thoughtful.

Wow, like, I didn't
even ring yet.

Hi, Trudy. Bye.

Hi, Dr. Seaver. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's okay,
Trudy. All women are.

All women are what?

Well, hi.

I'm Jason Seaver. I'm
your date this evening.

- And you are?
- Anxious.

Oh, Trudy, the phone number
of the restaurant is by the phone.

- Help yourself, we'll be back around 11.
- Right.

- Ben? BEN: I'm still
in the stupid bathroom.

He's taking a shower.

That's his third one today.

- Maybe he can make up for last year.
- Ha, ha.

- We're leaving, Ben. BEN: Okay.

- See you, Trudy. TRUDY: Bye.

[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Hey, babes.

What's happening?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

BEN: What the
heck's going on here?

I'm using all my moves and
she acts like she doesn't care.

Wait a minute, what did Dad say?

"Women don't make sense."

Wow, so I guess it's going
the way it's supposed to.

So far, so good.

- Ben, stop clowning around, huh?
- What?

Get away from me.

[TURNS TV OFF]

- What are you doing?
- I've had enough of this junk.

I'm in the mood to do something
unpredictable, something dangerous.

I don't know, I'm just the kind
of kid who likes to get in trouble.

You'd better not, young man.

This is the best babysitting job
I've got, and I'm not about to lose it.

Now sit still and be quiet
or I'll send you to bed.

BEN: This is the
worst night of my life.

This is the worst
night of my life.

I can't believe
this, I was stood up.

Me, Mike Seaver, stood
up. Can you believe that?

I sure can.

Yeah, that's it. I have
had it with women.

Should I call my
folks to come get me?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

I'm just gonna hang
out here with Ben.

Ben, why are you
dressed like that?

Benny.

Mike, please, Mike,
don't, Mike, please don't.

Benny, are you putting the
moves on your babysitter?

[BEN SCREAMS]

MIKE: Yeah, Boner?

Look, uh, I've got some news about
my date with "Woo-Woo" Berkowitz.

Yeah. You're not gonna
believe this but I got stood up.

Oh, why is that so
easy for you to believe?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I just wanted to let you know that as of
tonight, I am taking a break from women.

Well, hi.

Break's over.

- Hey, babe, what's happening?
- Oh, not much.

I'm Trudy's sister. I had to drive
all the way over here to pick her up.

- Uh, you drive? So you're 16?
- Eighteen.

Eighteen? Eighteen's good.

Uh, hey, what a coincidence.

Is that your convertible
in the driveway?

Uh, yeah, it sure is.

You want it?

[BOTH LAUGH]

- I'm Stacy.
- Yeah, I'm... Uh, Mike.

I'm bored.

Oh, yeah.

- Well, um, it was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, yeah, same here.

Say, um, would you
like to go out sometime?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, but I'm only in
town for the weekend. I

have to go back to
Georgetown. University.

You go to college?

Yeah. You?

Uh, another coincidence.

Um, well, what about tonight?

Oh, well, it's a
little late for a date.

If you went out now,
Dad would have a cow.

What do you know, Trudy?

[LAUGHS]

Mike, uh, the truth
is, I'm a little bit tired.

Yeah, right. Can we go?

Wait in the car.

Kids.

So young, so impatient. Ha, ha.

Uh, well, I'm coming
back in three weeks.

Three weeks?

I mean, um, yeah, all right,
we could work something out.

Yeah, you could
come down to D.C.

D.C.? No, I don't
think my folks...

I mean, my Volkswagen's
gonna make it.

Uh, see, I'm just visiting
home for the weekend too.

Oh, where do you go to school?

Yale.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

See, so it would be a real
long drive to D.C. from Boston.

Boston?

Yale's in New Haven,
Harvard's in Boston.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, uh, right, I make that
same mistake all the time.

See, I turned down a Yale scholarship
and took the one from Harvard instead.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Oh, my little sister
is freaking out.

[MIKE SIGHS]

Yeah, you know, my little
brother probably drove her to it.

See, he just recently
discovered girls...

and, uh, maybe Trudy had gotten a
little more than she had bargained for.

Oh, that's sweet.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[STACY SIGHS]

Well... Um, you
know, it's very sweet.

You know what really
gets me is that the

first crush my little
brother has on a girl...

she has to go home early.

Oh, that's a shame.

A shame? It's a crime.

I think it's just as wrong that my
little sister is denied the experience...

of some innocent flirting.

Um, you know, I
couldn't agree more.

And with the way the
world's going today...

I think that these two kids may
stumble into puberty without adults...

like you and me around.

Oh, that's frightening.

That's the idea.

- I'll get my sister.
- Okay.

[IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE]

All aboard.

Mr. and Mrs. Jones,
here's your train.

- Benny, my man, there you are.
- Leave me alone, Mike.

Look, Ben, I need you
upstairs. Trudy's up there.

Mike, I'm through with girls.

You can't be. You
haven't started yet.

I'm thinking about
the priesthood.

All right, so maybe things
haven't gone that well for you today.

Mike, she laughed at me.

So, Ben, all women
laugh at guys.

You just gotta get used to
it. This is no time to give up.

Oh, good, Mike, you just
squished Mr. and Mrs. Jones.

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, okay?

I'm gonna tell you
about women...

so you can go back
and have the last laugh.

- She doesn't care.
- Doesn't care?

Come on, Ben, don't
fall for her little act.

Now listen to me, all girls do and
say the opposite of what they mean.

Now, don't tell me
you didn't know that.

Of course I did, I just
forgot for a minute.

Are you gonna go back or
you gonna sit and wimp out?

I don't know what to say
to her, how to act with her.

Okay, okay, now the single
and most important thing...

is not to embarrass yourself.

- Okay.
- Okay, that means no belching.

Ever?

Well, at least not
when you're with her.

- Gotcha.
- Okay, no screaming.

Of course not.

Okay, and the most important thing, Ben,
don't have anything with you that's alive.

Oh.

Let me go, let me go!

He's just a stupid little kid
and I don't care about him.

You keep your mouth shut.

And you pretend to like
him, and you do it for me.

- Hi.
- Sure.

Um, look, why don't you two finish watching
a movie and I'll show Stacy the kitchen.

I'd love to see the kitchen.

I understand you love me.

Not at all.

Good. Very good. I
don't like you either.

This is what I like to
call the refrigerator.

Uh-huh.

Wanna touch it?

[LAUGHS]

So, what else can I show you?

- Ben, stop that.
- Yeah, right.

So you see, according to my
sociology professor at Hale...

Uh, Yarvard... At college.

Um, the single greatest barrier
between male-female relations...

is tension about the first kiss.

Now, we could just do that
right now and get it all over with.

Well, you know, I just don't...

There. I feel so much better.

You make me feel like
a high school boy again.

Where did you graduate from?

Uh, Dewey High.

You're a Hooter? I'm
a Hooter, class of '86.

Yeah, what a coincidence.

You couldn't have been in
my class, I'd remember you.

Um, well, I was
much shorter then.

You should have
looked down, there I was.

Your hand is sweating
all over my back.

Yuck!

- You're welcome.
- Try it again and I'll slug you.

Wait a minute, are you really
saying you really don't like me?

Ben, you're just a stupid
little kid with sweaty hands.

That's it, I've
had it with girls.

I got all dressed up for you and I
wasn't supposed to tell you that.

You say the opposite of what
you mean, but you really mean it.

This is too hard.

Everything was so simple
before I went to The Cosby Show.

You've been to a taping of
The Cosby Show, in person?

- Yeah.
- Really?

We do stuff like
that all the time.

Wow.

MIKE: Ow!

Come on, Trudy, we're
getting out of this playpen.

I didn't say I went to college,
I said it was a coincidence.

Oh, and what was
the coincidence?

Well, that you're going to
college and I've heard of it.

Oh, grow up.

Why are you still sitting
there? I said let's go.

Do I have to?

Ben and I are having a
very interesting conversation.

We're leaving.

I'm sorry, Ben, I have to go.

You're really sorry?

Are you kidding?

Wait a minute. I
thought you hated him.

That's before I got to know him.

When can we get
together and talk?

Um, gee, I don't know.
I guess I'll call you.

No, no, I'll call you.

Benjamin, bye.

Wow, The Cosby Show.

I've also been to The $10,000
Pyramid starring Mr. Dick Clark.

- All right, all right, what's the deal?
- What deal?

- I wanna know what you said to Trudy.
- Just what you told me to.

- And what else?
- That's it.

Ben, what else did you
say? I need to know.

Mike, are you asking
my advice about women?

What? Oh, come
on, Ben, that's stupid.

So, like, what did you say?

But I thought you knew
everything about girls.

Well, of course I do.

Okay, all right, maybe
not everything, but a lot.

I know a whole lot.

All right, nothing, zero, zip.

But I always thought...

Well, of course you did, Ben.

I mean, you were just
a starry-eyed little kid.

But I guess it's time you learned
the truth, now that you're a guy.

I'm an actual guy?

Yeah, a small one, but, yes.

Gee, I'm a guy and I know
as much about girls as you do.

- You know nothing.
- Uh-huh.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- Hi, guys. BEN & MIKE: Hi.

- You're up late.
- Yeah, we're having a nightcap.

Oh, and, uh, since you
asked, yes, we had a great date.

Yeah, we sure did.

Well, good night.

- What, the evening's over?
- Night, boys.

- Good night, Mom.
- Good night.

- See you in the morning.
- Uh, Dad, Dad, you got a second?

- Well, actually I...
- Uh, it's important.

Well, okay, what is it?

Well, um, see, me and Ben
were discussing women...

and we kind of wanted
to know your thoughts.

You two were discussing women?

Yeah, I'm a guy now.

Oh.

So, what do you think?

See, what we need to know is...

like at what age did you
finally understand women?

[LAUGHS]

- What's so funny?
- Well, nothing.

It was just... Seems
like only yesterday

that I was asking my
dad that exact question.

- When was that?
- It was yesterday.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Hi, Mom.

Carol, you startled me.

Why are you sitting
here in the dark?

Ah, Bobby and I are fighting.

Oh, I'm sorry. Why?

He says I should call him if I
ever decide to make sense.

Well, that's pretty rude.

Yeah, I thought so too.

So you're having some
cake so you feel better?

No, I'm not hungry.

You want some cake?

No, no, I never
eat cake this late.

Mom, do you understand men?

No, but that's okay.

They don't understand us either.

What's not to understand?

You got me.

[ENGLISH - US -SDH]