Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 12 - Higher Education - full transcript

All right, I'll say
it one more time.

We got one ski trip...

72 hours, 23 women, 13 guys...

and one nearsighted chaperone.

Gentlemen, the
possibilities are endless.

Yeah, I'm only taking one ski.

Yeah.

No way my folks
are gonna let me go.

Boner, you just gotta learn
how to handle old people.

Mike, you haven't
talked to your parents yet.

Oh, come on, Bone, you actually
think my parents could say no to me?



I know, you can talk to
my mom and dad for me.

No. Eddie, go get a
couple of chairs, all right?

Bone, look, I'll show you.

I'll be your dad and,
Eddie, you be Bone's mom.

[IN FALSETTO] Yes, dear.

Okay. Now, it's evening
at the Stabone residence.

And you and your charming parents
are sitting down for a lovely dinner.

My dad usually sits here.

Fine.

Um, pass the potatoes...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh,
what's your dad's name, Boner?

Sylvester.

Wait a minute. Your dad's
name is Sylvester Stabone?

Who knew?



Yeah. Um...

[IN DEEP VOICE] Okay. So, Richard,
what is it you wanted to talk to us about?

- Well, there's this, uh, ski trip...
- Ski trip? Ha!

Why would you want to go on a ski
trip? You don't even know how to ski.

See, guys, what did I tell you?
He ain't gonna even let me go.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Boner,
look, it's just for pretend, all right?

- Oh.
- Now, come on.

[IN DEEP VOICE] All right, give me
one good reason why we should let you go.

Women.

[IN FALSETTO] Women? I will
not have talk like this at my table.

Go to your room, Richard.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Bone, you never
say "women" in front of your parents, okay?

You say stuff like class spirit,
you say growth experience...

but you never ever say women.

- Okay, class spirit.
- Right.

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Growth experience.
- Yes.

ALL: Women!

Don't leave your books
there. Take them to your room.

No snacking. You'll
spoil your dinner.

Mom and Dad are sick
and Carol is mad with power.

- Is it clean yet?
- I'm working, I'm working.

Hey, wait a minute.
Mom and Dad are sick?

Oh, this is perfect.

Now I can ask them about
the ski trip while they're weak.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, Carol just told me
the awful news and...

Well, I just thought I'd come
in to offer my condolences.

We're sick, Mike, not dead.

Well, okay then,
that settles it.

Settles what?

There was a class ski trip this weekend
and I thought I'd try to get out of it...

so I could spend some time
palling around with you guys.

But obviously you're in no shape
for that, so I guess I gotta go.

JASON: Forget it, Mike.

Dad?

You're not going anywhere
while you're still flunking English.

Oh. Oh, great timing, Dad. I
mean, we had an English test today.

Couldn't you have told
me this before I took it?

If I had known you'd take this kind of
attitude, I just may have studied for it.

- Oh. I feel worse than Mike's grades.
- Ah. Me too.

- I gotta try again to call a doctor.
- You are a doctor.

Oh, I guess that's why I
keep getting a busy signal.

[GROANS]

Oh, Seaver, wait up, guy.

Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
You're not gonna believe this.

This has got to be the best
news since Lucy came back to TV.

What?

Boner.

His folks are letting
him go on the ski trip.

Thanks a lot, Mikey.

How come you ain't
sharing in my joy?

Because I'm not going.

- What?
- What?

My dad says I have
to be passing English,

and he tells me this
after yesterday's test.

Are you sure you flunked?

Eddie, come on, this is
me we're talking about.

Wake up and smell yourself.

You know, Mikey, as long as there's
a grade curve there's always hope.

Hey, yeah, you know,
especially with Boner in the curve.

I do what I can.

Why don't you go ask the
teacher's aide on this one, huh?

Hey, thanks a lot, guys.

Uh, hi.

Oh, hi, Mike.

- Uh, Bobbie, right?
- Robin.

Robin, Robin, yeah.

So, Robin, uh, have you finished
grading those tests from yesterday yet?

Yeah.

Your definition of a
dangling participle was...

- Inspired?
- Dirty.

- Oh, well, how'd I do overall?
- Mike, I can't tell you.

- Oh. Why?
- It's the rules.

Come on, Robin, I gotta
know. Look, whatever you want.

I'll trade you my body
for the information.

Is that an offer?

Uh...

Look, Robin, I really need
to know this grade, okay?

Now, if I don't pass, I
don't go in the ski trip.

Oh, you're going?

Well, yeah, if I get a C.

So, come on, tell me what I got.

What you got rhymes with C.

Oh, the schools are
giving out G's now?

D-plus.

D-plus.

Is that with the curve?

That's with an incredible curve.

[BELL RINGS]

[SNEEZES]

You would not believe what
the rest of this house looks like.

I'm gonna kill those kids.

We ask them for one favor, "Will you
help with the house while we're sick?"

But do they do it? No.

Jason, the house
is... perfect. Achoo!

What?

It's like a hospital out
there. There is no dust.

All the laundry's been done,
the table's been set for dinner...

Ben's little clothes have
been ironed for tomorrow.

I haven't seen the house this
organized since I went back to...

work.

Oh, good. No, that's very good.

You tell a dying man
he's a bad housewife.

Oh.

Honey, don't get upset.

Carol just went a little overboard
trying to do a great job and I just...

I've hurt your
feelings, haven't I?

No, no, no, just...

Well, it's really no big deal.

If Carol does a better job than I
do, then we should be grateful.

- She's a big help, right?
- Right.

And just to be clear, we are
saying she does do a better job.

- Oh, Jason...
- No, that's what we're saying.

- No, honey, I really...
- That's what I'm hearing.

I really didn't mean that.

As Robin passes out
your tests from yesterday...

I must say I was so shocked
no one got below a C.

I'm seeking professional help.

[BELL RINGS]

An A? I got an A?

[GASPS]

Robin. An A?

I rechecked your paper.

Uh, yeah, but Mrs.
Trotter is gonna find out.

- I mean, she'll know.
- She never even sees the papers.

You're safe with me.

Oh.

You look kind of cute with your
mouth hanging open like that.

Oh, yes. This means
I can go on the ski trip.

Look, Robin, I really
owe you in a major way.

Well, you're welcome
in a major way.

Look, if there's anything that I can
do for you, Robin, you got it, okay?

Mike? The ski trip.

Yeah, yeah. What about it?

I'd love to be your
date on the ski trip.

What ski trip?

The ski trip.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, Robin, Robin,
see, the thing is...

none of us are taking dates on the ski
trip because there's gonna be so many...

coyotes up there.

Yeah, those hills are
just crawling with coyotes:

[HOWLS]

Mike, the only reason that you're able
to go is because I changed your grade.

Yeah, and I'm very
thankful for that.

Are you?

Oh.

You know, you're even cuter
with that dumb look on your face.

So a girl is forcing you to
spend the weekend with her.

Yes.

- And this is a bad thing?
- Yes.

Okay, Mikey,
look at it this way.

Let's say you was a teacher's aide
and you were helping out a cute chick...

with a phony grade.

What would you expect in return?

Right there, right
there. You see?

No, no, totally different
situation, Eddie.

How?

If I'd treat a girl the way
she's been treating me...

I mean, it would
be obvious that...

Well, that the girl would
feel as rotten as I do.

You're right, man.
It's no different.

- Oh, no, I'm maturing.
- No.

- Mikey, don't get carried away.
- Yeah, all right.

Now, the facts here are, if you don't
take Robin with you on the ski trip...

she's gonna change your
grade back and you can't go.

Oh. Now what do I do?

I wish I had problems like this.

I've never had a second
date with a chick in my life.

Girls never like me
once they get to know me.

If no girls knew me, I'd probably
be the most popular dude in school.

- Hey, Carol, I need to ask you something.
- Take your shoes off.

Why?

I just waxed the floor.

Okay, Carol, look, I
need some advice, okay?

From moi?

Okay, now...

Nice job.

Let's say you were really desperate and you
trapped this guy into going out with you.

Let's not.

No, no, no. Let's say you
trapped him because you like him.

Now, what could he do
to make you not like him?

- You're serious?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, first, any guy who'd be trapped
into a date is a weak-kneed weenie man.

I am talking major wimp here.

Forget it, forget it.

BEN: Okay, I cleaned
my room and...

[YELLING]

Very nice job.

The place doesn't look so great.

Hey, Dad.

Look, dust. She
calls this clean? Ha.

- Dad, I think it's the fever talking.
- Oh, yeah, it's me.

Everything else is just fine.

Wait, I know
something that's not fine.

What happened on your
English test, huh? Huh, huh?

All right. I got an A.

Let me see that test.

A. Wow.

Yeah, I didn't even cheat on it.

"Punctuation. The colon is
where food digests after you eat it."

- Uh, it was graded on a curve.
- Yeah, apparently.

Well, I guess that means you'll be
able to go on that ski trip after all.

Yeah, I guess so.

You don't sound
too thrilled about it.

Dad, can I ask your
advice about something?

Why?

Well, you're my dad,
you like that kind of stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Now, if somebody does you a favor out of
the blue and it's a really great favor...

but you didn't ask them to and they want
you to pay them back, what do you do?

Well, for starters, you
should refuse the favor.

Are you kidding?

Well, then you
gotta pay them back.

Ah. That was not the
answer I was hoping for.

This have anything to do with
that ski trip you're going on?

You're going. Mike, you passed?

Passed? He got an A.

An A? Wow, Mike.

Let me see that test.

"A comma is the deep sleep you
fall into after you get hit on the head."

It's, uh, graded on the curve.

Oh.

Well, Mike, I
think it's wonderful.

Yup, yup, yup. It's wonderful.

Everything's wonderful.

Everything's running very
smoothly around here lately.

Ha! Now, what are you two doing
up? Now, come on, back upstairs.

I'll bring your dinner
up in a little while.

- What are we having?
- Coq au vin.

I made that once.

Yeah, but don't worry,
I found a new recipe.

Well, I'm gonna go see if
any of my patients have called.

With my luck, they're
probably all cured.

Your dad's still in shock.
Mike got an A on a test.

An A? Let me see that test.

Not now. Carol, honey, listen.

You are doing a terrific job of
taking care of things while we're sick.

- Well, thanks.
- I have just one request.

- Sure.
- Stop it.

What?

Your father is feeling like you're doing a
better job running the house than he does.

I am.

I know.

- All I wanted to do was help.
- And that's what your dad wanted too.

But see, by giving him what he
wanted, you've, well, upset him.

By giving him what he
wanted I've upset him?

Sure, honey, you'll find
out that most people hate it...

when they get what they want.

Hey, wait a
minute. Is this true?

Sure, there's even a Chinese curse
that says "may you get what you wish for."

Oh, this is perfect.

Look, Mom, the next time I have
a problem, I'm coming to you first.

Oh, I'm going back to bed.

Uh, Mom, I gotta go
make a phone call, okay?

[MIKE SCREAMS THEN POTS CLATTER]

Oh, you waxed the floor.

[SIGHS]

Hello, Boner?

Oh, Mr. Stabone. Uh, it's Mike.

Heh. Yo to you too, sir.

Uh, is Richard there?

Hello, Boner. Yeah,
look, I need some help.

Well, I'm gonna ask
Robin out tonight.

Okay, now, I need you
to tell me step by step...

exactly what you do on a first date
so I can completely gross this girl out.

No offense.

[SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Mike, what are you doing?

- Ah, who needs the distraction of a movie?
- Not me.

- Ow.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Look, Robin, let's not
kid each other, all right?

Now, you have needs
and I have needs.

Now, why should we both be
needy on a night such as this?

Mike.

Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

Here, now, tonight.

Oh, Mike, yes.

Uh, look, wouldn't a nice big tub
of something go good right now?

- Popcorn?
- Yeah, great idea.

Where'd he go?

I can't tell. My binocs
are all fogged up.

- Mike.
- Guys, what are you doing here?

Catching a movie, which is
more than I can say for you. Whoo!

Guys, look. Guys, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I've tried every sleazy move you
gave me and they're all working.

Don't give me that.
Those lines never work.

Did you try, "Girl, you'll be a
woman soon. Here, now, tonight"?

Yeah, I tried it
and she loved it.

- I got my face slapped for it.
- I got my face kissed for it.

Hey, man, how'd you say it?

Girl, you'll be a woman
soon. Here, now, tonight.

Wow.

That's how I say it.

Maybe you should consider the
possibility that you're scum. Ha, ha.

Guys, guys, guys, stop, okay?

Come on. Now,
I'm in a bind here.

I need a line that is
guaranteed to offend.

- Well, Boner, give him your best line.
- Yeah, okay.

Look her in the eye and say,
"You got needs, I got needs."

ALL: Why should we both be
needy on a night such as this?

- No, no, no, I already gave him that line.
- Yeah, and it worked.

- It never works for me.
- You guys are no help at all.

I'm scum?

You're scum.

- I thought you were gonna get popcorn.
- Ah, it wasn't real butter.

I hate that too.

Look, Robin, do you have any
idea why I brought you here tonight?

- I have a pretty good idea.
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.
- You don't.

- Yes, I do.
- Look...

Robin, I brought you here tonight
so that I could gross you out...

so you wouldn't like me.

You did?

What does a guy have
to do to offend you?

- You just did it.
- All right, finally.

After I put my TA status on the line
for you, and this is how you treat me?

Only after you put
my ski trip on the line.

I was just flirting.

Robin, that was
blackmailing, not flirting.

Flirting, I know about.

You sure do. Like this morning,
when you offered me your body.

Robin, I offer every
girl my body, all right?

- Just nobody ever took me up on it.
- What's wrong with treating you...

the way guys have treated
girls since the beginning of time?

The beginning of time? Robin,
I've only been dating for a year.

Well, don't worry.

You can go on your precious ski
trip and you won't be stuck with me.

[SOBBING]

Hey, come on, Robin, don't cry.

What do you mean "stuck"?

I just didn't wanna be forced
into doing something that...

Look, just because
guys are crummy to girls...

doesn't mean you have
to be crummy to me.

You know, I think it is the guys
who ought to change, not the girls.

I know. Pretty frightening
concept, isn't it?

Wow, look at that, she's crying.

Must have been one of my lines.

Look, Robin, I just wish that none
of this had ever, ever happened.

- You're right.
- Well, thank you.

- I shouldn't have blackmailed you.
- Yeah.

- I was so wrong.
- Yeah.

- I should have never changed your grade.
- Yeah... No.

- And tomorrow, I'm gonna make it right.
- Uh, Robin...

Tomorrow, I'm gonna change
your grade back to a D-plus.

- Uh, you don't...
- And thank you, Mike.

Thanks for helping me
see how wrong I was.

MAN [ON TV]: Time
for the news. It's 11:00.

Do you know where
your children are?

I don't have any children.

You're still up two
hours after your bedtime

and you've trashed
the entire living room.

- I'll clean it up.
- No, no, this is fine.

Stay right where you
are. Get comfortable.

- Perfect. Good night, Ben. Night, Dad.
- Good night, Carol.

Ben, you're up two
hours past your bedtime.

- Yeah, well, see, I was...
- And what is this mess here?

I was set up.

Take these dishes to the kitchen
and get straight up to bed right now.

I'm going, I'm going.

Look at this. Peanut
butter all over the place.

Mike, are you
responsible for this mess?

Probably.

- Where have you been?
- Out following Mom's advice.

And just between you and me, Dad, it
was the worst advice I have ever gotten.

Oh, and, Dad, uh, the
grade on my English test...

after tomorrow it won't
be an A, it'll be a D-plus.

Why?

My teacher's throwing
out the grade curve.

- Mike, I'm very...
- Disappointed in me.

Yeah, I know, me too.
How do you think I feel?

I'm missing out on the ski trip
and all that gorgeous class spirit.

I mean, Dad, all I know is nothing
has been right since you've been sick.

Well, suddenly I'm
feeling much better.

Oh, yeah.

[ENGLISH - US -SDH]