Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Love Song of M. Aaron Seaver - full transcript

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY, YOU AND ME ♪

♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪

♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪



♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

OK, NOW, WE'VE ONLY GOT
2 DAYS LEFT TO PRACTICE,

SO WE'VE ALL GOTTA HELP
CAROL WORK ON HER GUTTER BALL.

BUT WHY, DAD? IT'S PERFECT.

IT GOES IN THE
GUTTER EVERY TIME.

COME ON, CAROL, NOW
LET'S TRY THIS RELEASE.

SO SUPPOSE IT'S
HEADED FOR THE GUTTER.

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

WE LEAN TO THE LEFT HERE
AND PULL HER BACK TO THE RIGHT.

[all chattering] OVER TO THE
RIGHT, OVER TO THE RIGHT.

(Jason) OOH.



(Maggie) OH, WELL.

PERFECT.

COME ON, GUYS, GET IT TOGETHER.

WE GOTTA KILL THE
KOOSMANS THIS YEAR.

NOW, BEN, THIS IS A NEIGHBORLY
LITTLE GAME OF TENPINS.

LET'S NOT TURN IT INTO
"BOWLING FOR BLOOD."

DAD, THEY'VE BEATEN
US 3 YEARS IN A ROW.

AND THEN LITTLE KENNY KOOSMAN
STANDS OUTSIDE OUR WINDOW

AND DOES THAT
STUPID LITTLE CHANT.

"TURKEYS, MONKEYS,
CHIPMUNKS, BEAVERS:

THEY ALL BOWL BETTER
THAN THE SEAVERS!"

WELL, LET'S KILL THE KOOSMANS.

LET'S KILL THE KOOSMANS.
COME ON, MAGGIE.

OK, OK. READY? WE CAN DO IT.

OK, JASON, WATCH THIS. ATTAGIRL.

TELL ME IF I'M DOING IT RIGHT.

TAKE YOUR TIME. OK, AND...

GOOD BOUNCE. OH, THAT...

TO THE RIGHT.

(Jason) EH, OOH.

[Maggie laughing]

OH, WELL, HEY, HOW CAN WE LOSE?

WE'VE GOT OUR NEW SECRET
WEAPON, MIKE "THE STRIKE" SEAVER.

YEAH. YEAH. YOU KNOW,
HIS AVERAGE IS UP TO 187.

OH, GOOD.

THERE HE IS NOW.

[all cheering]

[all chanting] WE'RE NUMBER
ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

OK, HERE WE GO.

OK, WATCH CAREFULLY. HERE WE GO.

(Jason) ALL RIGHT. NEVER MISS.

[all shouting]

YES, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

AND NOW THERE'S JUST ONE
MORE THING I'D LIKE TO SAY:

CAROL, I'LL GIVE YOU $3 IF YOU
WRITE ME A NEO-SYMBOLIST POEM.

MIKE,

WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR SISTER

TO WRITE YOU A
NEO-SYMBOLIST POEM?

DAD, THE MOST WONDERFUL THING
HAPPENED TO ME AT SCHOOL TODAY.

(Maggie) MIKE?

I FORGOT WHAT I WAS
GONNA SAY. OH, OK.

UH, MIKE.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN FOR US THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF THE SEA IN MOBY DICK?

UH, SURE. SURE.

UH, IT'S THE LETTER
BETWEEN THE "I" AND THE "K."

IT'S A LITTLE
TECHNIQUE I PICKED UP

AT THE LAST
TEACHERS' CONVENTION.

OK, PEOPLE, SETTLE DOWN.

HELLO. I'M JULIET.

AND I'M ROMEO.

DAD, I'VE NEVER MET A
GIRL LIKE JULIET BEFORE.

MIKE, YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME.

WELL, IT'S DIFFERENT
THIS TIME, DAD.

I MEAN, JULIET IS REALLY CLASSY.

DAD, SHE WAS BORN IN PARIS.

SHE WAS RAISED IN
LONDON AND NEW YORK.

SHE WRITES POETRY, AND SHE EVEN
SPEAKS 3 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

THAT'S 3 MORE THAN YOU SPEAK.

SO YOU WANT TO IMPRESS
THIS NEW GIRL WITH A POEM?

YEAH, BUT NOT JUST ANY POEM,
DAD, A NEO-SYMBOLIST POEM.

THAT'S HER FAVORITE BRAND.

MIKE, IF CAROL WRITES THE
POEM, IT'S NOT YOURS, IT'S CAROL'S.

NOT IF SHE GIVES IT TO ME.

WELL, MIKE, IF YOU'RE REALLY
GOING TO GET ALONG WITH THIS GIRL,

SOONER OR LATER YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD WITH HER.

DAD, I CAN'T DO THAT.

OH, SURE YOU CAN. WHAT DO YOU
USUALLY SAY TO A GIRL YOU LIKE?

"HEY, BABY, WANT A ONE-WAY
TICKET TO PARADISE?"

I'D BETTER WRITE HIM THE POEM.

ALL RIGHT!

MIKE.

HEY, LOOK, LOOK. I KNOW
WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING,

BUT I'M JUST GONNA USE THIS
POEM TO GET HER TO TALK TO ME.

THEN I'LL BE MYSELF.

WELL, IF YOU GUYS THINK THAT
A $3 POEM IS ANY SUBSTITUTE

FOR REAL AND HONEST
COMMUNICATION, THEN GO AHEAD.

MIKE, DAD'S RIGHT.

REAL AND HONEST IS
GONNA COST YOU $5.

"WITH EYES THAT
SCAN THE DISTANCE,

"WITH FEET THAT CROSS THE SAND,

"WITH THOUGHTS THAT
KEEP ME DREAMING,

"THIS PLACE IS WHERE I STAND.

I HATE MY MOTHER."

OH, OH.

WAY TO WRITE, JULIET!

AH-HA, HEY, WAS THAT
A POEM OR WHAT, GUYS?

AHEM. THANK YOU, JULIET.

UH, DOES ANYONE
ELSE HAVE ANYTHING

THEY'D LIKE TO
READ FOR THE CLASS?

UH, MISS JEFFRESS,
I HAVE A LITTLE POEM

I'D KIND OF LIKE TO RECITE
FOR THE CLASS TODAY.

THIS ISN'T GONNA
GET ME FIRED, IS IT?

MISS JEFFRESS, YOU KNOW
HOW THEY ALWAYS SAY

THAT DESPITE ALL THE
HARDSHIPS OF TEACHING,

THERE ARE THOSE RARE MOMENTS
THAT MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE?

YES.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.

"LET US GO THEN, YOU AND I,

"WHEN THE EVENING IS
SPREAD OUT LIKE A SWATTED FLY,

"LIFE BEING MIASMIC,
SOMEWHAT PROTOPLASMIC,

"WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF
RAINDROPS PITTER-PATTER,

"LIKE LOOSE PANCAKE BATTER
ON THE GRIDDLE OF OUR DAYS?

"I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
A PAIR OF PANTYHOSE

HANGING ON THE SHOWER
ROD OF OUR DREAMS."

[chuckles]

[bell ringing]

[sighing]

MICHAEL. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

OH, REALLY?

I MEAN, UH, IT WAS REALLY
ONE OF MY MINOR WORKS.

I FOUND IT TO BE A
FASCINATING PARODIC MELDING

OF POPULAR CULTURE
AND THE LYRICAL MODE.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S IT!

GOD, IT IS SO NICE
TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, IT'S
WONDERFUL TO DISCOVER

HOW GIFTED YOU ARE,

BECAUSE FOR SOME
REASON I GOT THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU WERE JUST
ANOTHER SUBURBAN DOLT.

ME? A SUBURBAN DOLT?

[laughs]

OH, LIFE CAN BE CRUELLY
IRONIC, CAN'T IT, JULIET?

ALL THAT

AND CUTE, TOO.

OK, NOW JULIET'S GONNA
BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

NOW, THERE'S A FEW LITTLE
THINGS HERE I'D LIKE TO GO OVER.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S A BRIEF FAMILY HISTORY.

NOW, IF YOU GUYS CAN JUST
QUICKLY COMMIT THIS TO MEMORY.

MIKE. YEAH, MOM?

IT SAYS HERE THAT I'M A WRITER.

OH, WELL, YOU ARE, MOM.

AND THAT I'VE JUST
COMPLETED MY 27TH NOVEL.

OK, ALL RIGHT, SO IT
WAS A ROUGH ESTIMATE.

APPARENTLY, I'M A PAINTER.

WELL, YOU GOTTA ADMIT,
DAD, YOU DID A PRETTY

BANG-UP JOB ON THAT
UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.

AND I'M A CHILD...

PRO... PRO...

PRODIGY, BEN.

YEAH, BEN, SEE, I JUST TOLD JULIET
THAT YOU WERE SORT OF A, UM...

WELL, THAT YOU WERE A
GENIUS AT PHILOSOPHY.

SO WHENEVER I
WINK AT YOU LIKE THIS,

I WANT YOU TO READ ONE OF
THESE LITTLE PHRASES HERE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY ONE.

"I THINK, THEREFORE I AM."

GOOD, GOOD.

MIKE, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

MIKE, YOU DON'T
SERIOUSLY EXPECT US

TO TELL JULIET THAT
WE'RE ALL THESE THINGS.

COME ON, MOM, I'M JUST TRYING
TO MAKE YOU GUYS LOOK GOOD.

OH, I APPRECIATE THAT, MIKE,

BUT YOU'RE ASKING US TO LIE.

AND, BADLY.

[doorbell rings] COME ON, GUYS.

JUST FOR TONIGHT, BEAR WITH ME.

LOOK, IF YOU CAN'T
COUNT ON YOUR FAMILY

AT A CRUCIAL
MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE,

WHO CAN YOU COUNT ON?

JULIET.

MIKHAIL.

TO THINK WE CAME THAT CLOSE TO
NAMING HIM THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

UH, MOM, DAD, THIS IS JULIET.
JULIET, THESE ARE MY PARENTS.

HELLO, JULIET.

MIKHAIL HAS TOLD ME
SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU
HAVE A FASCINATING LIFE.

YES, BUT WHAT IS LIFE?

(Mike) AH.

SO PROFOUND FOR ONE
WHO'S 9, DON'T YOU THINK?

BUT THEN, I GUESS
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

IT MUST.

TELL ME, MRS. SEAVER,
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE

TO WIN THE PULITZER
PRIZE FOR LITERATURE?

WELL, I'LL BE HONEST
WITH YOU, JULIET. IT...

IT FEELS GOOD.

DARN GOOD.

THE FIRST COUPLE
OF TIMES, ANYWAY.

AND, MR. SEAVER, MIKHAIL
TELLS ME YOU'RE A PAINTER.

DO YOU WORK IN OILS OR ACRYLIC?

MOSTLY FLAT LATEX.

AND SOME HIGH-GLOSS ENAMEL.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
ONE OF MY RECENT WORKS?

I CALL IT, "UPSTAIRS BATHROOM."

DAD, DAD, NO! MAYBE
SOME OTHER TIME.

MR. SEAVER, TELL ME,
HAVE YOU BEEN INFLUENCED

BY THE RECENT WAVE OF GERMAN
ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISTS?

NO. NO, NO. I'M REALLY MORE
INFLUENCED BY THE DUTCH BOYS.

OH, YOU MEAN
REMBRANDT AND VERMEER.

WELL, THAT'S FASCINATING,

CONSIDERING YOU WERE
A STUDENT OF PICASSO'S.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, MOM...

IS UNCLE PABLO COMING TO
VISIT FOR THE HOLIDAYS THIS YEAR?

MIKE, PICASSO IS DEAD.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S A NO.

[laughing]

YEAH, UNCLE PABLO LOVED IT WHEN
WE JOKED THIS WAY ABOUT DEATH.

YES, BUT WHAT IS DEATH?

OH, YOU ARE SO DEEP.

SOMETIMES IT EVEN SCARES ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, IT REALLY
IS EXTRAORDINARY

MEETING A FAMILY LIKE
YOU IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

(both) OH?

I MEAN, I THOUGHT I'D
HAVE TO GO INTO THE CITY

TO FIND A CULTURAL
EVENING LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE LORD KNOWS THAT MOST
SUBURBANITES ARE BRAIN DEAD.

WHICH REMINDS ME, MISHKA,

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D LIKE
TO COME TO THE CITY WITH ME

TO SEE SOME PERFORMANCE ART.

OH, GO, MIKE. NO, GO,
GO. BECAUSE LORD KNOWS

YOU CAN'T GET A DECENT PIECE OF
PERFORMANCE ART IN THE SUBURBS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THAT
REALLY BURNS ME UP.

TOMORROW IS THE LAST NIGHT OF
GERHARDT'S PERFORMANCE PIECE.

AND THERE'S NO ONE I'D
RATHER SEE IT WITH THAN YOU.

WELL, THEN, IT'S A DATE.

MIKE.

YEAH, MOM?

AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

YEAH, A PRIOR COMMITMENT, LIKE
SOMETHING ELSE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?

ONE THAT'S VERY, VERY
IMPORTANT TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY?

UH, GEE, NO, I DON'T THINK I HAD
ANY PLANS FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

SURE YOU DO, MIKE.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO...

MISHKA, WHAT IS HE DOING?

UH, HE'S... HE'S DANCING.

YES, INCREDIBLY
ENOUGH, LITTLE BEN, HERE,

IS A PHILOSOPHER
AND A MODERN DANCER.

NOW, UH, HE'S GOT A
RECITAL TOMORROW NIGHT,

BUT ONCE YOU'VE SEEN ONE
LITTLE PHILOSOPHER DANCE,

YOU'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.

SO, WE'RE ON?

RIGHT, WE'RE ON.

AU REVOIR, MISHKA.

HEY, WAS SHE
INCREDIBLE, OR WHAT, HUH?

I KNOW, I KNOW.

LOOK, I'M SORRY I HAD
TO PASS ON THE BOWLING,

BUT I KNEW YOU GUYS
WOULD UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MIKE, YOU HAVE TO GO
WITH US. YOU PROMISED.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BEAT
THE KOOSMANS WITHOUT YOU?

YOU GUYS, IT'S JUST A GAME.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT, MIKE.
YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.

WE'RE ALL COUNTING ON YOU.

AND IF YOU CAN'T COUNT ON YOUR
FAMILY, WHO CAN YOU COUNT ON?

LOOK, DAD, I'M INVOLVED
IN A RELATIONSHIP HERE.

WITH AN ARTIST.

I CAN'T JUST DROP
THAT TO GO BOWLING.

A RELATIONSHIP?

SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU
ARE. SHE THINKS YOU'RE "MISHKA."

AND YOU'RE JUST A
BOWLER LIKE THE REST OF US.

HEY, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?

MAYBE I'M NOT A BOWLER.

MAYBE I AM MISHKA.

MAYBE I'M GONNA BARF.

IF THIS WERE THE RUSSIAN ARMY,
HE'D BE TRIED FOR DESERTION AND SHOT.

CAROL, WE'RE NOT GOING TO FORCE
YOUR BROTHER TO GO BOWLING WITH US.

ANYWAY, I HAVE A HUNCH

THAT PRETTY SOON HE'LL
REALIZE HE'S NOT MISHKA.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
I'M JUST A PAINTER.

"ESSENCE OF COW?"

WHAT A PIECE OF...

THIS? I LOVE THIS.

OH, YES. YES, I LOVE THIS THING.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN COW
ESSENCE BEFORE, BUT THIS...

ANDRE! FABRIZZIO!

OH, JULIET!

GOD, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE
THE GERTRUDE STEIN-A-THON.

THIS IS A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE, MICHAEL SEAVER.

MICHAEL IS A POET.

OH, LOOK, THE PERFORMANCE
PIECE IS ABOUT TO START.

OH, I HEAR IT'S BRILLIANT.

♪ [music playing]

ORANGUTANS BARK
AT THE SOUND OF...

(voice) SUNLIGHT.
WHY ARE THERE NO...

LUMBERJACKS...

IN BIG CITIES?

BIG CITIES.

BIG CITIES.

BIG CITIES.

BIG CITIES.

BRILLIANT! ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!

IT'S A PERFECT COMMENTARY

ON THE FASHIONS AND FOIBLES
OF MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICA.

OH, YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.

UH, FASHIONS AND FOIBLES.
FASHIONS AND FOIBLES.

OH, MISHKA, YOU
CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

I MEAN, IT'S OBVIOUSLY A PLEA
FOR NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT.

OBVIOUSLY. YES,
NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE DUMB
AS A POST TO MISS THAT.

SO YOU'RE SAYING IT'S A COMMENT
ON CONTEMPORARY FASHIONS

AND NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT?

YES. YES, RIGHT. UM,

I MEAN, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
CONTEMPORARY FASHIONS ARE

OBVIOUSLY NUCLEAR.

AND THAT'S DISARMING.

ALL RIGHT, TEAM,
LET'S GO! GIVE ME AN "S"!

(all) "S."

GIVE ME AN "E"!

(all) "E."

ALL RIGHT, I'LL
FINISH IT MYSELF.

A-V-E-R! WHAT DOES IT SPELL?

(all) LOSERS.

NO, COME ON. NOW, MAYBE WE'VE LOST
ONE OF OUR STRONGER TEAM MEMBERS,

BUT WE'VE GOTTA
BELIEVE WE'RE GONNA WIN.

AND WE DO BELIEVE
WE'RE GONNA WIN.

AND WHY DO WE BELIEVE
WE'RE GONNA WIN?

BECAUSE WE'RE IDIOTS?

NO, BEN. BECAUSE WE'RE

"THE BOWLIN' SEAVERS."

[laughs]

(Jason) WHAT DO YOU
THINK? LOOK AT THIS.

"JASON 'BUD' SEAVER"?

AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

I ALSO HAVE ONE HERE

FOR BEN "FUDD" SEAVER.

FOR CAROL "SPUD" SEAVER.

ISN'T THIS FUN?

AND MAGGIE "MUD" SEAVER.

MUD?

WELL, THERE AREN'T THAT
MANY WORDS THAT END IN "UD."

OK, WE READY?

NOW, GIVE ME AN "S"! (all) "S!"

GIVE ME AN "E"! (all) "E!"

GIVE ME AN "A"! (all) "A!"

GIVE ME A "V"! (all) "V!"

GIVE ME AN "E"! "E!"

GIVE ME AN "R"! "R!"

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

LOSERS!

SO, MICHAEL, WHY DON'T
WE TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK?

MICHAEL READ THE MOST
REMARKABLE POEM THE OTHER DAY.

UH, IT WAS JUST A
LITTLE SOMETHING

FROM MY RECENT
NEO-SYMBOLIST PERIOD.

REALLY? WHAT WERE YOU BEFORE
YOU BECAME A NEO-SYMBOLIST?

I WAS A, UM,

A NEO-SYNEPHRINE!

OH, A JOKE! HOW FUNNY!

[titters]

WELL, MICHAEL, WHY DON'T YOU
READ ONE OF YOUR POEMS FOR US NOW?

YES, NOW. RIGHT NOW.

EVERYBODY, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
MICHAEL SEAVER. AN EXCITING...

UH, JU-JULIET, I CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

I DIDN'T EVEN BRING MY POEM.

SO WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU RECITE
ONE OF YOUR OLDER WORKS?

UH, NO, NO, ACTUALLY,
I COULDN'T DO THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, MICHAEL?

LOOK, JULIET, IT'S
THIS LEGAL THING.

I MEAN, I SOLD ALL MY
POEMS TO HOLLYWOOD

AND FROM NOW ON ONLY JACK
NICHOLSON'S ALLOWED TO READ THEM.

OH, MISHKA, STOP JOKING
AROUND AND READ YOUR POEM.

EVERYBODY'S WAITING.

LOOK, LOOK, JULIET.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT?

THE TRUTH IS, I'M NOT A POET.

WHAT?

BUT THE POEM YOU READ, IT WAS...

I... I DIDN'T WRITE
IT. I... I BOUGHT IT.

YOU MEAN YOU LIED TO ME?

LOOK, JULIET, WHEN YOU FIRST
WALKED INTO THAT CLASSROOM,

I... I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO MUCH
DIFFERENT, SO MUCH CLASSIER

THAN ANYONE ELSE I'D EVER SEEN.

I JUST WANTED TO IMPRESS YOU.

BUT, UH, BUT YOUR FAMILY, THE PULITZER
PRIZE, THE MODERN DANCE RECITAL...

NO, NO. MY FAMILY'S NOT
AT A MODERN DANCE RECITAL.

THEN WHAT WAS THIS?

BOWLING!

BOWLING.

YEAH, BOWLING.

SEE, UM, IT'S THIS BIG MATCH WE
HAVE EVERY YEAR WITH THE NEIGHBORS.

IT'S CALLED... IT'S CALLED
"BOWLING FOR DINNERS."

THAT WAS MY DAD'S IDEA.

AND THE LOSERS HAVE TO TAKE THE
WINNERS OUT FOR A BIG SURF 'N' TURF DINNER

AT FERBER'S HOUSE
OF MEAT AND FISH.

FERBER'S HOUSE OF MEAT AND FISH?

(Mike) WHAT?

WELL, IT'S... IT'S SUCH
A DISGUSTING IMAGE.

I MEAN, 2 ENTIRE FAMILIES
ROLLING BALLS FOR MEAT.

HEY, IT COMES WITH A SALAD AND
CHOICE OF RICE OR POTATO, OK?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
PEOPLE WHO BOWLS, AND...

AND HANGS OUT AT MALLS,

AND EATS HOT DOGS ON A STICK.

YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS I AM.
SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

MAYBE I LIKE MALLS.
MAYBE I LIKE BOWLING.

MICHAEL, WILL YOU
PLEASE LOWER YOUR VOICE?

WHAT? ARE YOU
ASHAMED OF ME, JULIET?

YOU ASHAMED OF BEING
SEEN HERE WITH ME?

THIS IS REALLY EMBARRASSING.

OH, YOU WANT EMBARRASSING?
I'LL GIVE YOU EMBARRASSING.

HEY, BUDDY, YOU KNOW
WHAT, YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHY THERE'S NO LUMBERJACKS
IN THE BIG CITIES? HUH?

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL AT THE
MALLS EATING HOT DOGS ON STICKS!

[balls rumbling]

IT'S OVER.

WE'RE DEAD.

IT'S HOPELESS.

NOW COME ON, GUYS,
WE'VE ONLY LOST 2 GAMES!

WE'VE ONLY PLAYED 2 GAMES.

I HATE THE KOOSMANS.

DID YOU HEAR THEM OVER THERE?
THEY HAD THE WHOLE SNACK BAR SINGING:

"WE'RE MOPPING THE
FLOOR WITH THE SEAVER 4."

I WON'T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT THEY
HAVE 'EM SINGING IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

WELL, THEN, LET'S PRACTICE.
COME ON, CAROL, YOU CAN DO IT.

LET'S JUST GRAB
A BALL RIGHT NOW,

WORK ON YOUR
APPROACH A LITTLE BIT.

JUST REMEMBER TO SQUARE YOUR
SHOULDERS AND WHIP THAT WRIST

AND FOLLOW THROUGH. OK? COME ON.

[pins crashing] I GOT 8 PINS!

YES.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO CHECK
THE RULE BOOK ON THIS,

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THEY
HAVE TO BE IN OUR LANE.

WELL, THIS WILL BE AN
EXPENSIVE DINNER THIS YEAR.

THE KOOSMANS ARE OFF THEIR DIET.

THE SLOBS.

HI, GUYS. SORRY, I'M LATE.

(both) MIKE.

HEY, LOOK, GUYS, ABOUT
THE WAY I'VE BEEN ACTING...

[sighs]

I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO SAY THIS, BUT...

WELL, I GUESS I OWE YOU GUYS...

HEY, MIKE.

YEAH, DAD.

DO YOU WANT TO BOWL OR ARE
YOU GONNA WRITE A POEM ABOUT IT?

I'M GONNA BOWL.

[all cheering]

AND YOU BETTER HURRY, TOO.
BETTER BOWL FAST, MICHAEL.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

[pins crashing]

HEY, MISHKA!

(Seavers) WE'RE NUMBER ONE! YES!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
HEY! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

HEY! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

(Jason) ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ATTENTION, PLEASE.

ON BEHALF OF THE
ENTIRE SEAVER FAMILY,

I'M TALKING ABOUT FUDD, SPUD,
MUD, AND OF COURSE MYSELF, BUD,

MAY I PRESENT THIS TO THE
MAN WHO LED US TO VICTORY.

YEAH, MIKE!

[whooping]

WELL, I GUESS WHEN
ALL'S SAID AND DONE,

IT'S YOUR FAMILY
WHO KNOWS YOU BEST.

"MIKE 'STUD' SEAVER."