Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 14 - First Blood - full transcript

♪ SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ DON'T WASTE ANOTHER
MINUTE ON YOUR CRYIN' ♪

♪ WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE END ♪

♪ THE BEST IS READY TO BEGIN ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ WE GOT THE WORLD
SPINNIN' RIGHT IN OUR HANDS ♪

♪ BABY YOU AND ME ♪

♪ WE GOTTA BE ♪

♪ THE LUCKIEST DREAMERS
WHO NEVER QUIT DREAMIN' ♪

♪ AS LONG AS WE KEEP ON GIVIN' ♪

♪ WE CAN TAKE ANYTHING
THAT COMES OUR WAY ♪



♪ BABY, RAIN OR SHINE ♪

♪ ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ WE GOT EACH OTHER ♪

♪ SHARIN' THE
LAUGHTER AND LOVE ♪

LOOK, JENNIFER, IT'S NOT THAT I
DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU SATURDAY

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE GOT
THIS PRIOR COMMITMENT.

UH, I'M DONATING A KIDNEY.

AH, LOOK, BUT
DON'T TELL ANYBODY.

WELL, 'CAUSE THEN
EVERYBODY'LL WANT ONE.

LOOK, IF THE DEAL FALLS
THROUGH, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

OK, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.

YOU TURNED DOWN A
DATE WITH JENNIFER MILLER?

JENNIFER "WONDER BUNS" MILLER?

HEY, MY ATTRACTION TO WOMEN IS NOT
ENTIRELY BASED ON PHYSICAL BEAUTY.



YEAH, THEY GOTTA BE STUPID, TOO.

MIKE, I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED JENNIFER.

YEAH, BUT SHE WANTS
ME TO DO SOMETHING

I'D NEVER DO IN A MILLION YEARS.

WHAT? READ A BOOK?

NO, WORSE. SHE WANTS ME
TO GO TO HER SISTER'S WEDDING

AND GO BALLROOM DANCING.

AS GOD IS OUR WITNESS, THEY
CAN'T MAKE OUR BABY DO THIS.

NO.

OK, FINE, FINE. YOU GUYS
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH,

BUT MICHAEL SEAVER
IS NOT GONNA MAKE

A FOOL OF HIMSELF IN
FRONT OF 200 PEOPLE.

YEAH, YOU'RE USED TO
A MUCH BIGGER CROWD.

MIKE, THERE ARE ADVANTAGES
TO BALLROOM DANCING.

YOU KNOW, YOU ACTUALLY
GET TO TOUCH YOUR PARTNER,

HAND TO HAND, CHEEK TO CHEEK,

EVERYTHING ELSE
TO EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH, JASON!

AND IF YOU'RE A REAL COOL GUY,

AND YOU LEARN ALL
THE MOVES, MIKE,

WELL, THE RIGHT GUY
AND THE RIGHT MOVES

CAN ABSOLUTELY
MAKE THE RIGHT WOMAN

MELT.

THERE ARE MORE MOVES, BUT
THEY REQUIRE A MOTEL ROOM.

OH, NOT SO. OBSERVE.

THE FRENCH DIP.

THERE ARE MORE MOVES,
BUT THEY REQUIRE GRAVY.

YEAH, JENNIFER, MIKE.

LOOK, THE DEAL FELL THROUGH.

UH, I DON'T KNOW. APPARENTLY,
THERE'S A REAL GLUT

ON THE WORLD KIDNEY MARKET.

YEAH, SO WE'RE ON
FOR THE WEDDING.

YEAH, AND I'LL BRING THE GRAVY.

UH, NEVER MIND,
IT'S A DANCING TERM.

YEAH, OK, BYE-BYE.

ALL RIGHT, MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, DAD. YOU KNOW,
I'M GONNA MAKE HER MELT.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN
"WONDER BUNS" MELT BEFORE.

WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T
EVEN KNOW HOW TO DANCE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, NO PROBLEM.
COME ON OVER HERE AND GIVE IT A TRY.

NOT WITH ME, WITH YOUR MOTHER.

WHAT YOU TRY TO DO IS YOU TRY TO

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE.

(Maggie) GLIDE.

THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT.

A MAN CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH.

SOMETHING WRONG, BEN?

THE NEW COACH AND
HIS STUPID SON, RODNEY.

THE KID TRIPPED ME 3
TIMES TODAY WITH HIS STICK.

NEXT PRACTICE, THAT KID IS
GONNA BE SUCKING THE PUCK.

NOW, I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR THAT, BEN.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES

FIGHTING IS NOT THE ANSWER.

BEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUMPING MILK.

HEY, IT WORKED FOR
SCHWARZENEGGER.

AND 1, AND 2, AND 3.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
DID YOU TRY TELLING

THE COACH THAT
RODNEY TRIPPED YOU?

THE COACH SAW THE WHOLE THING.

NOW COME ON. YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT THE COACH ACTUALLY
TOLD RODNEY TO PLAY DIRTY?

HE TELLS ALL THE
KIDS TO PLAY DIRTY.

THAT'S WHY HE HATES ME.

IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE,
I'M A FINESSE PLAYER.

WELL, THAT'S IT, BEN.

I WAS AFRAID THIS HOCKEY THING
WAS GOING TO BE TOO ROUGH.

JASON, I THINK HE
SHOULD QUIT THE TEAM.

NO, MAGGIE, THAT'S
NOT FAIR TO BEN.

JUST BECAUSE THE COACH IS OUT
OF LINE, YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM QUIT.

I'LL GO DOWN TO
THE NEXT PRACTICE,

I'LL MEET THE GUY, AND
WE'LL TALK IT ALL OVER.

IF THAT'S OK WITH YOU, BEN.

YEAH, THANKS, DAD.

AND WHILE YOU KEEP
THE COACH BUSY TALKING

I'LL GO AND SKATE
OVER RODNEY'S FACE.

[whistle blows]

COME ON, GIRLS, THIS IS
HOCKEY, NOT A SQUARE DANCE.

I WANT TO SEE SOME
CONTACT OUT THERE.

REMEMBER, JUST
'CAUSE YOU'RE WEARING

SKATES DOESN'T
MEAN YOU CAN'T KICK.

ALL RIGHT?

HELLO. HI, I'M JASON SEAVER.

COACH BROCKTON. HOW ARE YOU?

AND THAT'S MY BOY, BEN,
OUT THERE, NUMBER 7.

YEAH, HE COULD USE
ANOTHER 40 POUNDS.

WELL, NO PROBLEM. I'LL GET HIM
STARTED ON STEROIDS RIGHT AWAY.

GOOD, I LIKE TO SEE THE
PARENTS GET INVOLVED.

[whistle blows]

(coach) KELLY!

KELLY, YOU SHOULD'VE PASSED OFF.

THAT'S GONNA COST YOU.

SURE, MAKE HIM SKATE A FEW
EXTRA LAPS AFTER PRACTICE, HUH?

DO YOU HAVE CHANGE
FOR $5, COACH?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, CHANGE?

YOU MISSED THE
OPEN MAN. THAT IS $5.

TAKE A LAP.

YOU'RE FINING THESE KIDS?

HEY, THAT IS NOT A
FIRST-TIME OFFENDER.

TOO BAD THEY OUTLAWED
THE DEATH PENALTY.

YEAH.

CARMELLO, YOU CALL THAT A CHECK?

MY WIFE HIT HARDER
ON OUR HONEYMOON.

WHO'D YOU MARRY, WAYNE GRETZKY?

YOU CALLING ME A HOMOSEXUAL?

NO, BUT I DO THINK YOUR COACHING
METHODS ARE A LITTLE OFFENSIVE.

HEY, I NEVER HAD A
LOSING SEASON, BUDDY.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY,

BUT I THINK WHAT'S IMPORTANT FOR
THESE KIDS IS THEY LEARN SOMETHING,

THEY HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

NOT WIN, WIN, WIN, AT ALL COSTS.

THAT'S HOW WE LOST VIETNAM.

YOU'RE A WIMP, SEAVER.

OH, REALLY? WELL, YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?

YEAH?

YOU'RE TAKING A LOT
OF SUBLIMATED ANGER

AND YOU'RE DISPLACING
IT ON THESE KIDS.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'VE BEEN
TO ONE OF THEM WUSSY SHRINKS.

I AM ONE OF THEM WUSSY SHRINKS.

I MEAN, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE
SELF-ABSORBED AND NARROW-MINDED...

HEY, WHO ARE YOU
CALLING SELF-ABSORBENT?

YOU BETTER BE READY
TO BACK THAT UP, PAL!

KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME. OK?

HIT HIM, DAD.

BEN, THAT'S NOT THE
WAY MATURE PEOPLE...

MATURE NOTHING.

[kids shouting]

GLIDE, 2, 3. RIGHT. GLIDE, 2, 3.

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE, 2, 3.

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE, 2, 3.

MIKE, THAT'S THE FIFTH
TIME IN THE LAST HALF HOUR.

HEY, I'M GETTING BETTER.

GOOD, THEN LET'S
CALL IT A NIGHT.

I'VE GOT AN ARTICLE TO FINISH.

COME ON, MOM. THE WEDDING'S
TOMORROW NIGHT. I NEED TO PRACTICE.

HONEY, YOU'RE DOING FINE.

BESIDES, I'VE GOTTA CHANGE
THE BANDAGES ON MY FEET.

COME ON, I BARELY
BROKE THE SKIN.

YOU KNOW, I OFTEN WONDER,
WHAT'S MORE BEAUTIFUL?

THE GLIMMERING
STARS ON A CLEAR NIGHT,

OR THIS FACE?

FORGET IT. I'M NOT
DANCING WITH YOU.

COME ON, CAROL. I'M NOT
GONNA STEP ON YOUR FEET.

YOU STEPPED ALL OVER MOM'S.

CAROL, THE WOMAN HAS HUGE FEET

AND JUST BETWEEN YOU
AND ME, MOM CAN'T DANCE.

YOU'RE SUCH A JERK.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I AM.

NO, NO, REALLY, I AM,

AND THAT'S WHY I'M SO
INCREDIBLY FORTUNATE

TO HAVE A SISTER
WHO'S NOT JUST A SISTER,

BUT, WELL, A SAINT.

THAT'S WHY I THINK I'LL CALL YOU

SAINT SISTER CAROL,
NO SISTER SAINT CAROL.

NO, I GOT IT, CAROL
SAINT SISTER,

BECAUSE, AFTER
ALL, CAROL, YOU ARE...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'D RATHER LOSE A FOOT
THAN LISTEN TO THIS.

OK, READY?

AND GLIDE, 2, 3.

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE, 2, 3...

(Carol) HEY, THIS
IS SORT OF NEAT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CAROL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DANCING.

CAROL, THIS IS NOT
INTERPRETIVE DANCING.

THIS IS BALLROOM DANCING.

THE MAN IS SUPPOSED TO LEAD.

THE WOMAN IS
SUPPOSED TO BE LIMP, OK?

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

OK, TRY IT AGAIN.

AND GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE...

COME ON, CAROL, THIS
ISN'T LIMP. IT'S DEAD.

JUST FOLLOWING YOUR LEAD.

OK, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE...

HEY, MIKE, YOU'RE DOING BETTER.

GLIDE, 2, 3...

[crashing]

WELL, I THINK THAT'LL
BE IT FOR TODAY, CAROL.

BEN, HOW DID IT GO?

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME.

JASON, WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD
SAY COACH BROCKTON AND I HAD

A BRIEF, BUT MEANINGFUL,
EXCHANGE OF IDEAS.

AND FISTS! DAD WHOOPED HIM GOOD!

(Mike) ALL RIGHT, DAD.

JASON, YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY
GOT IN A FIGHT WITH THE COACH?

WELL, HE TOOK A
SWING AT ME, MAGGIE.

I HAD TO DEFEND MYSELF.

WELL, I BETTER GET
SOME ICE FOR THAT EYE.

MIKE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT.

POW! BANG! BOOM!

BROCKTON NEVER HAD A CHANCE!

AND WE'RE HERE AT RINGSIDE
WITH JASON "THE ANIMAL" SEAVER

AND ALONG WITH US AT RINGSIDE
IS THE ANIMAL'S MANAGER,

BENJAMIN "BUGSY" SEAVER.

TELL US, BUGSY,
HOW DID YOU GET THE

CHAMP'S BLOOD BOILING
FOR TODAY'S BOUT?

I SHOWED HIM HIS OLDEST
SON'S REPORT CARD.

WELL, ANIMAL, WHAT'S NEXT?

WELL, I WANT HOLMES

AND THEN I WANT NORTON,
AND THEN I WANT KRAMDEN.

AHEM.

AND THEN I'M GOING TO RETIRE
TO PURSUE PSYCHIATRY, FULL-TIME.

JASON, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE
KIDS THINK FIGHTING IS A GOOD THING.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL TALK TO THEM.

BOYS, WHAT I DID TODAY
WAS REPREHENSIBLE.

FIGHTING IS NOT THE BEST
WAY TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

I WANT THAT TO BE CLEAR.

THANK YOU.

♪ [humming Olympics theme]

MAGGIE, I JUST DON'T THINK I
SHOULD HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER

24 HOURS MAKING EXCUSES
FOR WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE
THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

YOU FOUGHT LIKE A BARBARIAN,
AND THEN YOU GLOATED LIKE A CHILD.

YOU'RE A BABY-BARBARIAN.

OH, I SEE, SO YOU'RE
SAYING BY THAT ONE INCIDENT

I'M TURNING OUR SON
INTO ANOTHER RAMBO.

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME.

OH, MY GOD.

COME ON, BEN. SIT DOWN.

TELL US EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

RIGHT. I WAS SITTING
IN THE CAFETERIA

EATING MY SALISBURY
STEAK, MASHED POTATOES,

AND SOMETHING THAT LOOKED LIKE
EITHER BROCCOLI OR ASTROTURF.

BEN, THE FIGHT.

YEAH, THAT'S WHEN RODNEY
BROCKTON WALKED OVER

AND PULLED ME OUT OF MY CHAIR.

RODNEY BROCKTON.

YEAH. I SAID, "RODNEY, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SICKER,

YOU OR THIS LUNCH."

AND THEN I DID WHAT JASON "THE
ANIMAL" SEAVER WOULD HAVE DONE.

I GAVE HIM A KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

WELL, ANIMAL, ARE YOU
PROUD OF YOURSELF?

NO, MAGGIE. I'M NOT PROUD.

BEN, IS RODNEY OK?

YEAH, MISS FINKLE
CAME AND BROKE IT UP,

BUT TOMORROW AT HIGH NOON,
WE MEET UNDER THE MONKEY BARS

AND ONLY ONE OF US MAKES
IT TO THE FOURTH GRADE.

WELL, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

I'M GOING DOWN TO TALK
TO BROCKTON MYSELF.

NO. NO, MAGGIE. I
STARTED THIS WHOLE THING,

SO I GUESS IT'S TIME
THAT I SHOWED BEN

HOW A REAL MAN
FIGHTS HIS BATTLES.

ALL RIGHT, DAD!

COME ON, BEN.

NOW LET'S SAY
YOU'RE MIXING IT UP

IN THE CORNER. THE
REF ISN'T LOOKING.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

RODNEY, DEMONSTRATE.

OK, DAD.

PERFECT.

NOW IN A GAME, YOU MAKE SURE
YOU FOLLOW THAT UP WITH A PUNCH.

EXCUSE ME, COACH,
BUT ISN'T THIS ILLEGAL?

THIS IS HOCKEY, KID.

YOU WANT LEGAL, GO TO
LAW SCHOOL. TAKE A LAP.

YES, SIR.

OK, SO WHO MAKES THE FIRST MOVE?

I DO, YOU JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.

GOTCHA.

DAD, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SEAVER?

YOUR KID WAS CUT FROM THE TEAM.

WELL, COACH, I'D
LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

I KNOW I SAID SOME PRETTY
INSULTING THINGS THE OTHER DAY,

AND, TODAY, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE I'D LIKE TO SAY.

MIGHT I SUGGEST, "DROP
DEAD, CHICKEN LIPS"?

BEN, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

MR. BROCKTON, I'M SORRY.

I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

NO WAY, SEAVER. I OWE YOU ONE.

COME ON. COME ON.

LOOK, I DIDN'T
COME HERE TO FIGHT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY OR
DO ANYTHING TO OFFEND YOU.

YOU SAID I WAS MARRIED
TO WAYNE GRETZKY!

NOW I'M NOT GONNA
TAKE THAT, SEAVER.

LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO SAY, SERIOUSLY,

THAT YOU WERE MARRIED
TO WAYNE GRETZKY.

SO YOU'RE SAYING
WE LIVED IN SIN?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT YOU
HAD ANY RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER...

OH, I GET IT.

SO NOW WAYNE IS TOO
GOOD FOR ME, HUH?

NO, I'M NOT TALKING...
LOOK, IF YOU'RE JUST...

IF YOU JUST WANT
ANOTHER EXCUSE TO FIGHT...

I DON'T NEED ANY
EXCUSES. COME ON.

HOW COME YOUR DAD ISN'T
ROLLING UP HIS SLEEVES?

ONCE HE STARTS FLEXING THOSE
MUSCLES, HIS SHIRT POPS OFF BY ITSELF.

IT'S REMATCH TIME, SEAVER.

NOW YOU WANT ME TO
START IT, I'LL START IT.

OK, YOU WANT TO
HIT ME, GO AHEAD.

FINE, HIT ME. I'M NOT
WORRIED ABOUT ME.

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT
YOU. IT'S THESE KIDS.

IF WE CAN'T TEACH OUR
CHILDREN THAT FIGHTING

IS NOT THE ANSWER,
THEN WE HAVE FAILED

AS PARENTS AND AS HUMAN BEINGS.

SO YOU CAN HIT ME, OR
YOU CAN SHAKE MY HAND.

CHOICE IS YOURS.

[clears throat]

SEAVER...

[Jason groans]

NOW, BELT HIM, DAD!

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
WUSS. COME ON,

SHOW THE KID WHAT
YOU'RE REALLY MADE OUT OF.

COME ON, BEN. WE'RE GOING HOME.

WHAT?

[all laughing]

(Maggie) HEY, MIKE, YOU
BETTER GET A MOVE ON.

JENNIFER'S GOING TO
BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

OH, MY GOD. I STILL
HAVE TO SHOWER

AND SHAVE.

GEE, IT'S ANOTHER MONTH ALREADY?

AND GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE, 2, 3.

GLIDE, 2, 3. GLIDE, 2, 3.

OH, MY GOD. I'VE GOT A ZIT.

THERE IS A GOD.

[Carol chuckling]

(Maggie) HI, BEN.

I NEED A DRINK.

JASON, WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, COACH BROCKTON
CALLED ME A WIMP

AND THEN HE PUNCHED ME AS
HARD AS HE COULD IN THE STOMACH.

NOW COMES THE ROUGH
PART OF THE EVENING.

BEN, BEN, MILK IS
NOT THE ANSWER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
CHICKENED OUT TODAY.

NOW HOLD ON RIGHT THERE.

A LOT OF KIDS WOULD
GET SPANKED FOR THAT.

OH, SURE, HIT ME.

OK.

HEY, I WAS JUST
TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

YEAH, SO YOU THINK I
SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT

WITH COACH BROCKTON TODAY, HUH?

HE SLUGGED YOU, DAD.

YEAH, AND BECAUSE HE SLUGGED ME,

I GUESS I SHOULD'VE
SLUGGED HIM RIGHT BACK?

YOU GOTTA ADMIT, THERE'S
A CERTAIN LOGIC TO IT.

BEN, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW
THIS WHOLE THING GOT STARTED?

RODNEY TRIPPED ME.

RODNEY TRIPPED
YOU, AND THAT'S WHY

I WENT DOWN TO TALK TO THE COACH

AND WE ENDED UP
PUNCHING EACH OTHER UP.

NOW DID THAT SOLVE ANYTHING?

NO, BUT IT WAS FUN TO WATCH.

YEAH, AND BECAUSE I
FOUGHT WITH THE COACH,

THE VERY NEXT DAY, YOU
AND RODNEY SLUG IT OUT.

DID THAT SOLVE ANYTHING?

NO, THAT'S WHY WE
WENT DOWN THERE TODAY.

OK, SO SUPPOSE I HAD
PUNCHED HIM BACK,

WOULD THAT HAVE SOLVED ANYTHING?

YEAH, BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE
HAD 2 BROKEN ARMS, 2 BROKEN LEGS,

A FAT LIP, AND HE WOULDN'T
BE COACHING ANYMORE.

NO, HE WOULDN'T BE
COACHING ANYMORE,

BUT HE'D GO OUT AND HE'D GET ONE
OF THOSE ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIRS

AND HE'D SHOW UP ON OUR
FRONT LAWN WITH A SHOTGUN.

2 CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME, DAD.

BEN, WE DON'T HAVE AN
ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR.

NO, BUT WE COULD
GET A MACHINE GUN

AND BLOW MR. BROCKTON
AWAY, LIKE IN RAMBO.

[mimicking machine gun]

OK, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SAY WE DO THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WE WON!

YOU THINK YOU'VE WON,

AND THEN YOU'RE BACK AT HOME,
AND YOU'RE TAKING A SHOWER,

AND YOU'RE GETTING READY FOR
BED, AND SUDDENLY ALONG COMES

MRS. BROCKTON.

INTO OUR SHOWER?

NO, INTO OUR LIVING ROOM,

AND SHE BRINGS HER
OWN MACHINE GUN

AND SHE WIPES OUT MOM AND CAROL.

OH.

AND THEN WHAT DO WE DO?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, WE
COOK FOR OURSELVES AND...

COME ON, BEN, DON'T
YOU WANT TO GET EVEN?

YEAH, WE TRADE IN THE
VOLVO AND GET A TANK.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. GOOD, BEN,
AND THEN I HOP INTO THAT TANK

AND I MOTOR OVER TO THE
BROCKTONS, AND I BLOW 'EM ALL AWAY.

ALL RIGHT!

BUT WAIT, BEN, THEY
BOOBY-TRAPPED THE FRONT LAWN.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR
THAT, DAD. YEAH.

SO JUST AS I'M PULLING AWAY,

THAT TANK AND YOUR FATHER
GET BLOWN TO CONNECTICUT.

OH, MY GOSH.

HMM.

SO YOU SEE WHAT I'M GETTING AT.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN LEFT
ALONE WITH MIKE.

NO, NO, BECAUSE WHILE YOU
WERE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH,

RODNEY'S COUSINS CAME
AND TOOK CARE OF MIKE.

THEY GOT MIKE, TOO.
SO I'M ALL ALONE?

WEIRD, ISN'T IT?

JUST A FEW DAYS AGO YOU
HAD A FAMILY, A HOUSE, A VOLVO.

NOW ALL YOU'VE GOT LEFT ARE YOUR

SUBSCRIPTIONS TO
BOYS' LIFE MAGAZINE

AND A FEW FADED MEMORIES.

BUT, HEY, IT WAS
WORTH IT, WASN'T IT?

'CAUSE WE DIDN'T CHICKEN OUT.

NO, SIR, WE FOUGHT BACK.

YOU REMEMBER HOW
THIS GOT STARTED AGAIN?

RODNEY TRIPPED ME.

YES, RODNEY. WELL, WE WON'T
HAVE HIM TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.

GUESS WE FOUND A PRETTY GOOD
WAY TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.

NO, WE DIDN'T, DAD.
IT WAS A STUPID WAY.

I NEED ANOTHER DRINK. WANT ONE?

SURE, SET 'EM UP.

SO I GUESS YOU REALLY DIDN'T
CHICKEN OUT TODAY, HUH?

NO, I DIDN'T CHICKEN OUT, BEN.

I JUST FEEL THAT MOST OF THE
TIME, FIGHTING IS NOT THE ANSWER,

AND THAT, WHENEVER POSSIBLE, WE
REALLY MUST TRY TO FIND A BETTER WAY.

I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

[clinking]

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

WHAT, BEN?

I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T GET
BLOWN TO CONNECTICUT.

SO AM I.

[clinking]

HOW YOU DOING, GUYS?

PRETTY GOOD, MOM.

[doorbell ringing]

AH, THAT MUST BE JENNIFER.

POOR GIRL, SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT
MIKE'S GONNA DO TO HER FEET TONIGHT.

JENNIFER, WHAT A NEAT DRESS.

COME ON IN. THANKS.

OH, MY GOD. OPEN-TOED SHOES!

PARDON?

NEVER MIND.

HI, JENNIFER. DON'T
YOU LOOK PRETTY.

(Jason) VERY NICE.
LET ME TAKE A PICTURE.

(Mike) JENNIFER.

MIKE, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT WAITER
AT THE FISH RESTAURANT.

MIKE, I GOT TERRIBLE NEWS.

THE WEDDING'S OFF.

WHAT?

MY SISTER CAUGHT THE GROOM IN THE
CONFESSIONAL WITH HER MAID OF HONOR.

SHE BROKE THE WHOLE THING OFF.

AFTER ALL I'VE BEEN THROUGH?

HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME?

WE CALL HIM MR. SENSITIVITY.

JENNIFER, WE CAN'T
LET THIS HAPPEN.

I WANT YOU TO GO OVER HERE
AND CALL YOUR SISTER RIGHT NOW

AND TALK SOME
SENSE INTO THAT GIRL

BEFORE SHE THROWS HER LIFE AWAY.

MIKE, IT'S NO
USE. IT'S ALL OVER.

I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO CALL HER.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

HEY, MAYBE SHE COULD
MARRY SOMEBODY ELSE.

MIKE!

OK, OK, FINE. OK, COME HERE.

WHAT?

JUST COME HERE.

MIKE, I'M REALLY NOT
IN THE MOOD FOR THIS.

SOMEBODY GIVE ME THE PHONE.

MAGGIE, I THINK WE MIGHT
HAVE CREATED A MONSTER.

YOU'RE LOOKING
GOOD OUT THERE, BEN.

I FEEL LIKE A NEW MAN SINCE
COACH BROCKTON GOT THE BOOT.

UH-OH, HERE COMES THE COACH.

IT'S 5 LAPS FOR
TALKING WITH THE FANS.

[groaning]

SHOW OFF!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, YOU GUYS.

LET'S GET TOGETHER HERE.

FIRST GAME'S TOMORROW. LET'S GO.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

(all) TRY HARD!

AND HOW ARE WE GONNA PLAY?

IN A SPORTSMANLIKE MANNER!

AND WHAT IF WE DON'T WIN?

YOU'LL KILL US!

HOW DO I MEAN THAT?

FACETIOUSLY!

[all clapping]

C'MON, BOYS!