Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Woman on Top - full transcript
When Brody's hyper-competitive ex-girlfriend from business school, Heather, comes back into the picture, Jenny's worried that Heather is a better match for Brody than she is. When they all take the stage for karaoke, the sparks begin to fly. Meanwhile, Mansfield realizes that his office has become a boys' club and decides to get in touch with his feminine side.
Congratulations,
everyone.
We finally made it
to the Forbes 100.
- Holler!
- Yeah, we did!
The Forbes 100 worst places
for a woman to work.
If we call them, perhaps
we could get a retraction.
I'm sorry,
did you say "perhaps"?
Because when I hear a man say "perhaps,"
I think perhaps he has no spine,
and perhaps he should be
looking for a new place to work.
Next time you feel confident about
something, say "definitely."
We can definitely do something
to get off that list.
Don't say "definitely"
unless you have a plan.
I should not be on that list.
I love women. I respect women.
The most important people
in my life are my wife,
my daughters,
and Barbara Boxer... my dog!
Let me ask the women here,
if this is such a sexist,
horrible place to work,
why hasn't anybody said anything?
Oh, son of a bitch!
♪
Season 1, Episode 7
"Woman on Top"
This should not have happened.
I don't base my decisions on gender.
I hire people based on three criteria...
That they be smart, driven,
and have balls.
And, yes, I heard myself.
Well, we should have known,
since Threepeat's
the only one who uses
the ladies' room.
Yeah, it's the only one with
a full-length mirror, so...
Well, there aren't gonna be any
more men using the ladies' room.
In fact, I'm putting a camera
in the ladies' room.
And, yes, I heard
myself again.
The days of this being
a boys' club are over.
In fact, I just made the first of what
are going to be many female hires.
She is one of the top money
managers in the United States.
She was top of her class
at the Harvard business school.
Harvard. I went to Harvard.
Oh. Didn't take you long to drop
the "I went to Harvard" bomb.
- Her name is Heather Doyle.
- Oh, my God!
Uh, she's my ex-girlfriend. We...
We hooked up in business school.
Yeah, and it didn't take you long to drop
the "I hooked up in business school" bomb.
Is this going to be a problem for you?
Let me rephrase...
I don't care if this is going
to be a problem for you.
Uh, no. It... there...
There's no problem.
Are you kidding? The...
I-I'm just gonna explain it to Jenny.
It's totally fine. So, uh,
when does this Heather start?
Ten minutes.
Hi. I'm Heather Doyle.
I'm ten minutes early... To you.
To me, I'm ten minutes late,
because I like to be 20 minutes early.
Could you validate my parking?
Oh, never mind. I got it.
(Laughs) I'm sorry.
What just happened?
(Sighs) I just got hired
by Remington Trust.
- I am, uh, nine minutes early.
- Oh.
So, Heather, uh, let's get you
into the system, yeah?
- Great. (Laughs)
- Derrick, we need an I.D. Here.
- Yeah. All right. Grab a seat.
- Oh!
I must warn you, no matter what you do,
you will appear to be cross-eyed.
Well, I used to take
bad photos,
so I took a weekend seminar, "Never
take a bad photo," and I haven't since.
The trick is to act like you're
biting an invisible apple.
(Shutter clicks)
Hey, damn! Bite that
invisible apple, girl!
No way, Harvard! You are not
coming with us to karaoke.
No offence, but you suck.
(Scoffs) I'm sorry! Have you
heard me sing "American Pie"?
Yes.
And it's way too long, man.
And then you start making up
your own words.
People want to know what happened after
he drove the Chevy to the Levee, Derrick.
Hey! You went to Harvard?
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
Not you. Did you know
a guy named Brody?
- At Harvard?
- What?
Not you.
Are you talking about
Brody Moyer?
Yeah, yeah! He works upstairs.
I'm actually dating him.
Oh, my God! I used to
date him at Harvard.
- What?
- What...?
Hey, uh, Jenny...
- Brody!
- Brody!
(Chuckles) Heather, Jenny.
So you guys have met.
- Great!
- Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I was... I was worried.
You know?
I was actually thinking...
You're gonna love this.
I'm gonna love this.
By the way, Heather,
you look wonderful.
- Oh!
- I mean, you know what I mean?
You look amazing, too,
Jenny, of course,
but I feel like when someone's
wearing red,
you kind of have to...
That's a guaranteed, like...
You have to say something
about that. (Laughs)
You've had sex
with both of them.
Just trying to move
everything along here.
Heather, Jenny, I'm glad
you guys have met.
There's no reason
for this to be awkward.
So... how long were
you two lovers?
- Don't say "lovers."
- All right, I'm sorry.
How long did you two
make-a the sex, huh?
(Clicks tongue) Don't say
"make-a the sex."
I should get upstairs.
Brody, maybe we can catch up
more during lunch.
Oh, well, actually, I'm gonna
have lunch today with Jenny.
- Oh.
- You should totally come.
I'd love to. Are you sure
it won't be weird?
- No...
- Yeah, are you sure it won't be weird?
No. No, no, no.
I'm totally not that girl.
Yeah. Cool, cool, cool.
Um, you know, more, the merrier.
(Chuckles)
Hold on, hold on.
I don't think I'm stepping
over any line here
when I say personally I'd like to see
you two get back together! Get in there!
Welcome to the team,
Heather.
Since you're new here, why don't I fill
you in on how things are gonna work, huh?
Brody and I are top dogs...
Los polios locos.
Mm.
But I don't want you
to be intimidated.
Aw! You're so sweet.
Let me tell you
how this is gonna work.
I'm gonna take your accounts,
your clients,
and then I'm gonna
eat your lunch.
I will see you
in the ladies' room.
Hmm.
Hey, Heather, I hope
Threepeat warned you.
Mansfield can get a little intense
in these morning meetings.
Especially after he sees our numbers
from the Chicago office.
- They suck.
- (Chuckles) Oh...
I'll just follow your lead.
(Giggles)
(Under breath)
I will eat your lunch.
Gentlemen, lady...
I want to take this opportunity to
welcome the newest member of our team...
Heather Doyle.
Despite what you may have read
in a certain financial magazine,
I think you'll find
this environment is not, quote,
"So high in testosterone, you might as
well be working inside of a testicle."
- Pleasure to be here, sir.
- Lovely to have you.
Mr. Moyer, are the numbers in
from our Chicago office?
Uh, yes, I am afraid so.
Huh.
(Forced laugh) Huh...
(Inhales sharply)
Gosh, it seems these people
have lost me a great deal of money.
Such is our business.
(Claps hands)
Mr. Mansfield, given the Chicago
office's poor performance,
perhaps they're in need
of more oversight.
- "Perhaps"?
- (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
- Perhaps you're right.
- (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
Perhaps, perhaps,
perhaps, perhaps.
(High-pitch voice, giggles)
Ah, it's a beautiful day!
You never diversify Mezzanine C.D.O.S
in exchange-traded market segments!
Yeah, it's like trying to monetize
credit swaps in the derivatives market.
(Forced laugh)
(Laughing) Totally!
I mean, if you want
to IncentiWise me,
don't collateralize
my bonds, am I right?
(Laughing)
(Forced laughing)
Speaking of which,
is anybody gonna eatimze
that eggplant? Ha ha!
'Cause you guys were using
"ize" words.
Sorry, Jenny, these are
just inside jokes.
Oh. (Laughs) It's okay.
We have inside jokes, too,
like... (Laughs) This one time,
I laughed so hard that I farted.
It wasn't a big one, though...
- Please don't.
- Okay.
Well, anyway, we should
do this again soon.
- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, hey, how about tonight?
What? No, tonight's
our karaoke night.
- It's... it's kind of our thing.
- Yeah. You should totally come.
- Oh, I don't want to intrude.
- Oh, no!
Hey, it'd be fun to get together
outside of the office.
- You're cool!
- Yeah, she's cool.
(Laughs) Yeah. I'm cool.
(Elevator bell dings)
Hey, Heather, I think we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday.
Oh, thank you!
Is this soy?
- Uh, no, it's not.
- Oh.
Because it's mine.
Uh, but I suppose I could zip
down and grab you another one.
Great! Extra hot
and two stevias.
Oh, and while you're down there,
would you mind...
- Dropping off my dry cleaning?
- You got it.
(Forced laugh)
What am I doing?
♪ He took the last train
for the coast ♪
♪ The day
♪ the music died
I'll tell you what's killing
music... illegal downloads.
I'll tell you...
That and that Bieber kid.
What's his deal, huh? (Laughs)
But anyways...
♪ Bye-bye, Miss American...
Jobs, because they're
going to China.
To China!
Look at me!
You guys are great.
I love you so much. Thank you.
(Booing)
Oh, boo!
I love your hatred! I bathe in it!
It makes my beard grow!
Man, that Heather is fine!
If I knew business schools
had girls like that,
I would have went there, majored
in accounting, and taxed that ass!
You okay, boo?
Look, I know that I can't
compete with Heather,
you know, in the business world,
but that's why I invited her tonight.
'Cause here, surrounded by
friends in a bar
that smells like old beer
and hot wings
and just a hint of urine...
This is my house!
Amen.
(Laughs)
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
Jenny, Jenny.
If you love someone,
set them free.
If they hook up with an ex-girlfriend
and they start a family,
well, then I was always yours
to begin with.
Okay, I got you a beer,
and the songbook,
and what is that on page 9?
Is that "Islands in the Stream"?
(Gasps)
- Oh, that is what we are, babe.
- Oh, yeah.
You're not gonna believe
what song I picked.
Is it "Bitch, Meet My Fist"?
Think... second year
finals party.
(Laughing) Oh, my God!
You didn't!
- I did.
- You didn't.
- I did.
- You did not.
I... I feel like she probably did.
(Laughs nervously)
("Baby one more time" playing)
I can't believe you did this.
- Do you mind if I steal him?
- Nope. Go. Ha ha.
- It's just something goofy we used to do.
- I love goof. (Forced laugh)
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Oh
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ How was I supposed
to know ♪
♪ That something
wasn't right, yeah? ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ I shouldn't have let
you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ And now you're out of sight ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ My loneliness
is killing me ♪
♪ And I
♪ I must confess
I still believe ♪
♪ Still believe
♪ When I'm not with you
I lose my mind ♪
♪ Give me a sign
♪ Hit me, baby,
one more time ♪
(Music stops)
(Cheers and applause)
(Harvard) All right!
(Cheering continues)
Get married! Get married!
Hey, there you are.
After you slipped out
last night, I called you
a bunch of times and it went
straight to voice-mail.
I think your phone's broken.
Hmm, yeah, it's doing
this really weird thing
where when I see it's you
calling, I hit "Ignore."
Okay, so you're mad
at me?
Mad? Mad... at you? (Laughs)
Why would I be mad at you?
Because you spent all last night
singing duets with your ex-girlfriend?
She's pitchy,
by the way.
(Chuckles) What?
No, she's not.
No! No, she's not!
Hold on. I don't understand.
You said it was okay if I sang with her.
Well, yeah, but I didn't realize
you were gonna put on a concert.
Three songs? Come on!
Actually, we sang
four songs.
Four? You... you've never sang
four songs with me.
We usually do two, and then
you get tired halfway through
and I have to finish
by myself.
Look, I was drunk.
It happened so fast.
- I was thinking of you the whole time!
- Oh, please!
Hey! You're the one
who invited Heather.
Yeah, I did, because
I wanted to show her
how good we were together,
and instead,
she showed me how good
you guys are together.
I mean, better than good.
You're perfect together.
Everyone in the whole place
saw it.
Why did you guys even
break up in the first place?
Well, it was obvious
it wasn't gonna work out.
Why not?
You know, because we both moved
to different cities after we graduated.
(Laughing) Wow, there's just...
No way to overcome that one.
Oh, wait a minute, there is one way...
Like if she moved here!
Okay, you know what?
It wasn't just that.
She was so competitive. She and I
were always fighting over closet space.
You lived together?
I'm sorry,
what... was that?
Brody, Brody, Brody.
Just look me in the eye
right now
and tell me that she is not
exactly the kind of woman
that you always
envisioned yourself with.
Ugh... you're perfect
together.
You guys have everything
in common.
You know, your ambition
and your business suits,
and let's not forget
your precious Harvard!
- What?
- Not you!
Well, these are some pretty
impressive résumés.
Well, they should be.
They're 40 of the best
female money managers
in the country.
Lookit, the days of this place being
a men's locker room are over.
So no more post-deal
ass slapping?
Regretfully, no.
I-I can't slap a man's ass
in the workplace
and not also slap
a woman's ass,
and I can't slap a woman's ass,
so I...
I can't slap any ass!
Look, I gotta confess
to you,
this whole experience has been
quite freeing for me.
You see, I've managed to tap
into my feminine side.
So tell me, how are things
with you in here?
(Sighs)
- Well, actually, Jenny's...
- Feeling threatened by Heather?
Yeah. How did you
know that?
Intuition.
Of course Jenny is feeling
threatened by Heather.
You and Heather are...
Well, you're the perfect merger.
You went to the same school together,
you speak the same language...
Hell, you'd spawn a race of
super-children I'd hire in a minute.
On paper, you two are
an ideal match.
Well, we did finish
one and two in our class.
I won't say who was number one,
but, you know...
I was.
Well, if you were so perfect
together, why'd you break up?
Well, we moved
to different cities.
(High-pitched whistle)
Wrong!
Okay, I can see you're back
in touch with your masculine side.
You broke up with her because
you weren't in love with her.
This, uh... this is
a picture of my wife.
You can look at it long enough
to see how beautiful she is,
but not so long
that it gets awkward.
And that should
do the trick.
Let me ask you,
do you...
Do you think our relationship
was made any easier
by the fact
that we were both
powerful investment bankers
when we got started?
Yes.
She didn't even have a bank
account when we got started.
We had nothing in common.
She was a painter, and I was...
Well, I was impressive.
See this painting?
This painting is...
Is one of hers.
The yellow splotch
on gray.
Yes. She calls it
"Yellow Splotch on Gray."
Right.
You know what this
painting means?
Uh, well, I'm guessing the gray
could represent hopelessness,
and I'm thinking the yellow
splotch can be an egg.
No.
It means I love my wife.
And every time I look
at this painting,
I'm reminded of just how much
I do love her.
You understand, on paper,
we had nothing in common.
But God knows, you don't fall
in love on paper, do you, son?
(Pats back)
Uh, I gotta go.
Holy smokes.
I think that is an egg.
- Uh, we are closed.
- Yeah, I just... I wanna talk to Jenny.
- Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- Step off, bitch.
Listen, I screwed up,
and I'm really sorry.
But you are the only person
in the world that I want to sing with.
Oh, Brody, don't.
Yeah. Karaoke is over,
as are you two,
so let's get out of here,
guys.
♪ Right from the start
♪ You were a thief,
you stole my heart ♪
♪ And I your willing victim
(singsongy)
No one's listening!
♪ I let you see the parts of me
that weren't all that pretty ♪
♪ And with every touch
you fixed them ♪
(Exhales)
(Chuckles)
♪ Now you've been
talking in your sleep ♪
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Things you never say to me
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Tell me that you've had
enough ♪
♪ Of our love
♪ Our love
♪ Just give me a reason
♪ Just a little bit's enough
♪ Just a second, we're not
broken, just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
♪ It's in the stars
♪ It's been written
in the scars on our hearts ♪
♪ That we're not broken,
just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
So, the place downstairs
couldn't get the stain out,
but I found a place
in Jackson Square that could.
So, uh, if there's
nothing else...
Go ahead.
Good work today.
Yes! What?
(Giggles)
Heather, could I speak
with you for a moment?
Oh.
I, uh, I just
want to tell you
what a delight it's been to have you
with us here the last couple of days,
and I sure hope nothing has prevented
you from feeling comfortable
while you've been here.
- Can I speak frankly, sir?
- Sure. I wish you would.
I took this job because I heard
you were a hard-ass boss
who would push me to be
the best that I could be,
and you're treating me like some
kind of princess, and it's bullshit!
No wonder the Chicago office
is going in the crapper.
I feel like I'm the only one
in this company with balls!
That's fantastic!
How, uh...
How would you like to run
my Chicago office for me?
- I'd love to.
- Good.
You start Monday.
(Gasps)
Oh... one other thing.
Please don't confuse me with some
jackass you meet out in the street.
I am your boss, so watch
your BLEEP mouth.
Go get 'em!
(Laughing) A toast to
the Chicago office!
- Hear, hear!
- Whoo!
- Mmm.
- Why do you have to go?
("Locked out of Heaven" playing)
Guys, let's go. We're up.
- Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Ooh!
Oh! I love this song!
Heather, get your cute butt
up here.
Yes!
♪
- Let's kill this.
- Let's go.
- Okay, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
♪ I never had much
faith in love ♪
♪ Or miracles
- Great job, babe.
- ♪ Huh
♪ I never wanna put
my heart on the line ♪
♪
♪ Huh
♪ Swimming in your water
is something spiritual ♪
- ♪ Ooh, oh, oh
- ♪ Huh
♪ I'm born again every time
you spend the n-i-i-ight ♪
- ♪ ...I-i-ight
- ♪ Huh
♪ 'Cause your sex takes me
to paradise ♪
♪ Yeah, your sex takes me
to paradise ♪
♪ And it sho-o-ows
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪
♪...
everyone.
We finally made it
to the Forbes 100.
- Holler!
- Yeah, we did!
The Forbes 100 worst places
for a woman to work.
If we call them, perhaps
we could get a retraction.
I'm sorry,
did you say "perhaps"?
Because when I hear a man say "perhaps,"
I think perhaps he has no spine,
and perhaps he should be
looking for a new place to work.
Next time you feel confident about
something, say "definitely."
We can definitely do something
to get off that list.
Don't say "definitely"
unless you have a plan.
I should not be on that list.
I love women. I respect women.
The most important people
in my life are my wife,
my daughters,
and Barbara Boxer... my dog!
Let me ask the women here,
if this is such a sexist,
horrible place to work,
why hasn't anybody said anything?
Oh, son of a bitch!
♪
Season 1, Episode 7
"Woman on Top"
This should not have happened.
I don't base my decisions on gender.
I hire people based on three criteria...
That they be smart, driven,
and have balls.
And, yes, I heard myself.
Well, we should have known,
since Threepeat's
the only one who uses
the ladies' room.
Yeah, it's the only one with
a full-length mirror, so...
Well, there aren't gonna be any
more men using the ladies' room.
In fact, I'm putting a camera
in the ladies' room.
And, yes, I heard
myself again.
The days of this being
a boys' club are over.
In fact, I just made the first of what
are going to be many female hires.
She is one of the top money
managers in the United States.
She was top of her class
at the Harvard business school.
Harvard. I went to Harvard.
Oh. Didn't take you long to drop
the "I went to Harvard" bomb.
- Her name is Heather Doyle.
- Oh, my God!
Uh, she's my ex-girlfriend. We...
We hooked up in business school.
Yeah, and it didn't take you long to drop
the "I hooked up in business school" bomb.
Is this going to be a problem for you?
Let me rephrase...
I don't care if this is going
to be a problem for you.
Uh, no. It... there...
There's no problem.
Are you kidding? The...
I-I'm just gonna explain it to Jenny.
It's totally fine. So, uh,
when does this Heather start?
Ten minutes.
Hi. I'm Heather Doyle.
I'm ten minutes early... To you.
To me, I'm ten minutes late,
because I like to be 20 minutes early.
Could you validate my parking?
Oh, never mind. I got it.
(Laughs) I'm sorry.
What just happened?
(Sighs) I just got hired
by Remington Trust.
- I am, uh, nine minutes early.
- Oh.
So, Heather, uh, let's get you
into the system, yeah?
- Great. (Laughs)
- Derrick, we need an I.D. Here.
- Yeah. All right. Grab a seat.
- Oh!
I must warn you, no matter what you do,
you will appear to be cross-eyed.
Well, I used to take
bad photos,
so I took a weekend seminar, "Never
take a bad photo," and I haven't since.
The trick is to act like you're
biting an invisible apple.
(Shutter clicks)
Hey, damn! Bite that
invisible apple, girl!
No way, Harvard! You are not
coming with us to karaoke.
No offence, but you suck.
(Scoffs) I'm sorry! Have you
heard me sing "American Pie"?
Yes.
And it's way too long, man.
And then you start making up
your own words.
People want to know what happened after
he drove the Chevy to the Levee, Derrick.
Hey! You went to Harvard?
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
Not you. Did you know
a guy named Brody?
- At Harvard?
- What?
Not you.
Are you talking about
Brody Moyer?
Yeah, yeah! He works upstairs.
I'm actually dating him.
Oh, my God! I used to
date him at Harvard.
- What?
- What...?
Hey, uh, Jenny...
- Brody!
- Brody!
(Chuckles) Heather, Jenny.
So you guys have met.
- Great!
- Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I was... I was worried.
You know?
I was actually thinking...
You're gonna love this.
I'm gonna love this.
By the way, Heather,
you look wonderful.
- Oh!
- I mean, you know what I mean?
You look amazing, too,
Jenny, of course,
but I feel like when someone's
wearing red,
you kind of have to...
That's a guaranteed, like...
You have to say something
about that. (Laughs)
You've had sex
with both of them.
Just trying to move
everything along here.
Heather, Jenny, I'm glad
you guys have met.
There's no reason
for this to be awkward.
So... how long were
you two lovers?
- Don't say "lovers."
- All right, I'm sorry.
How long did you two
make-a the sex, huh?
(Clicks tongue) Don't say
"make-a the sex."
I should get upstairs.
Brody, maybe we can catch up
more during lunch.
Oh, well, actually, I'm gonna
have lunch today with Jenny.
- Oh.
- You should totally come.
I'd love to. Are you sure
it won't be weird?
- No...
- Yeah, are you sure it won't be weird?
No. No, no, no.
I'm totally not that girl.
Yeah. Cool, cool, cool.
Um, you know, more, the merrier.
(Chuckles)
Hold on, hold on.
I don't think I'm stepping
over any line here
when I say personally I'd like to see
you two get back together! Get in there!
Welcome to the team,
Heather.
Since you're new here, why don't I fill
you in on how things are gonna work, huh?
Brody and I are top dogs...
Los polios locos.
Mm.
But I don't want you
to be intimidated.
Aw! You're so sweet.
Let me tell you
how this is gonna work.
I'm gonna take your accounts,
your clients,
and then I'm gonna
eat your lunch.
I will see you
in the ladies' room.
Hmm.
Hey, Heather, I hope
Threepeat warned you.
Mansfield can get a little intense
in these morning meetings.
Especially after he sees our numbers
from the Chicago office.
- They suck.
- (Chuckles) Oh...
I'll just follow your lead.
(Giggles)
(Under breath)
I will eat your lunch.
Gentlemen, lady...
I want to take this opportunity to
welcome the newest member of our team...
Heather Doyle.
Despite what you may have read
in a certain financial magazine,
I think you'll find
this environment is not, quote,
"So high in testosterone, you might as
well be working inside of a testicle."
- Pleasure to be here, sir.
- Lovely to have you.
Mr. Moyer, are the numbers in
from our Chicago office?
Uh, yes, I am afraid so.
Huh.
(Forced laugh) Huh...
(Inhales sharply)
Gosh, it seems these people
have lost me a great deal of money.
Such is our business.
(Claps hands)
Mr. Mansfield, given the Chicago
office's poor performance,
perhaps they're in need
of more oversight.
- "Perhaps"?
- (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
- Perhaps you're right.
- (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
Perhaps, perhaps,
perhaps, perhaps.
(High-pitch voice, giggles)
Ah, it's a beautiful day!
You never diversify Mezzanine C.D.O.S
in exchange-traded market segments!
Yeah, it's like trying to monetize
credit swaps in the derivatives market.
(Forced laugh)
(Laughing) Totally!
I mean, if you want
to IncentiWise me,
don't collateralize
my bonds, am I right?
(Laughing)
(Forced laughing)
Speaking of which,
is anybody gonna eatimze
that eggplant? Ha ha!
'Cause you guys were using
"ize" words.
Sorry, Jenny, these are
just inside jokes.
Oh. (Laughs) It's okay.
We have inside jokes, too,
like... (Laughs) This one time,
I laughed so hard that I farted.
It wasn't a big one, though...
- Please don't.
- Okay.
Well, anyway, we should
do this again soon.
- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, hey, how about tonight?
What? No, tonight's
our karaoke night.
- It's... it's kind of our thing.
- Yeah. You should totally come.
- Oh, I don't want to intrude.
- Oh, no!
Hey, it'd be fun to get together
outside of the office.
- You're cool!
- Yeah, she's cool.
(Laughs) Yeah. I'm cool.
(Elevator bell dings)
Hey, Heather, I think we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday.
Oh, thank you!
Is this soy?
- Uh, no, it's not.
- Oh.
Because it's mine.
Uh, but I suppose I could zip
down and grab you another one.
Great! Extra hot
and two stevias.
Oh, and while you're down there,
would you mind...
- Dropping off my dry cleaning?
- You got it.
(Forced laugh)
What am I doing?
♪ He took the last train
for the coast ♪
♪ The day
♪ the music died
I'll tell you what's killing
music... illegal downloads.
I'll tell you...
That and that Bieber kid.
What's his deal, huh? (Laughs)
But anyways...
♪ Bye-bye, Miss American...
Jobs, because they're
going to China.
To China!
Look at me!
You guys are great.
I love you so much. Thank you.
(Booing)
Oh, boo!
I love your hatred! I bathe in it!
It makes my beard grow!
Man, that Heather is fine!
If I knew business schools
had girls like that,
I would have went there, majored
in accounting, and taxed that ass!
You okay, boo?
Look, I know that I can't
compete with Heather,
you know, in the business world,
but that's why I invited her tonight.
'Cause here, surrounded by
friends in a bar
that smells like old beer
and hot wings
and just a hint of urine...
This is my house!
Amen.
(Laughs)
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
Jenny, Jenny.
If you love someone,
set them free.
If they hook up with an ex-girlfriend
and they start a family,
well, then I was always yours
to begin with.
Okay, I got you a beer,
and the songbook,
and what is that on page 9?
Is that "Islands in the Stream"?
(Gasps)
- Oh, that is what we are, babe.
- Oh, yeah.
You're not gonna believe
what song I picked.
Is it "Bitch, Meet My Fist"?
Think... second year
finals party.
(Laughing) Oh, my God!
You didn't!
- I did.
- You didn't.
- I did.
- You did not.
I... I feel like she probably did.
(Laughs nervously)
("Baby one more time" playing)
I can't believe you did this.
- Do you mind if I steal him?
- Nope. Go. Ha ha.
- It's just something goofy we used to do.
- I love goof. (Forced laugh)
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Oh
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ How was I supposed
to know ♪
♪ That something
wasn't right, yeah? ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ I shouldn't have let
you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ And now you're out of sight ♪
♪ Yeah
♪ My loneliness
is killing me ♪
♪ And I
♪ I must confess
I still believe ♪
♪ Still believe
♪ When I'm not with you
I lose my mind ♪
♪ Give me a sign
♪ Hit me, baby,
one more time ♪
(Music stops)
(Cheers and applause)
(Harvard) All right!
(Cheering continues)
Get married! Get married!
Hey, there you are.
After you slipped out
last night, I called you
a bunch of times and it went
straight to voice-mail.
I think your phone's broken.
Hmm, yeah, it's doing
this really weird thing
where when I see it's you
calling, I hit "Ignore."
Okay, so you're mad
at me?
Mad? Mad... at you? (Laughs)
Why would I be mad at you?
Because you spent all last night
singing duets with your ex-girlfriend?
She's pitchy,
by the way.
(Chuckles) What?
No, she's not.
No! No, she's not!
Hold on. I don't understand.
You said it was okay if I sang with her.
Well, yeah, but I didn't realize
you were gonna put on a concert.
Three songs? Come on!
Actually, we sang
four songs.
Four? You... you've never sang
four songs with me.
We usually do two, and then
you get tired halfway through
and I have to finish
by myself.
Look, I was drunk.
It happened so fast.
- I was thinking of you the whole time!
- Oh, please!
Hey! You're the one
who invited Heather.
Yeah, I did, because
I wanted to show her
how good we were together,
and instead,
she showed me how good
you guys are together.
I mean, better than good.
You're perfect together.
Everyone in the whole place
saw it.
Why did you guys even
break up in the first place?
Well, it was obvious
it wasn't gonna work out.
Why not?
You know, because we both moved
to different cities after we graduated.
(Laughing) Wow, there's just...
No way to overcome that one.
Oh, wait a minute, there is one way...
Like if she moved here!
Okay, you know what?
It wasn't just that.
She was so competitive. She and I
were always fighting over closet space.
You lived together?
I'm sorry,
what... was that?
Brody, Brody, Brody.
Just look me in the eye
right now
and tell me that she is not
exactly the kind of woman
that you always
envisioned yourself with.
Ugh... you're perfect
together.
You guys have everything
in common.
You know, your ambition
and your business suits,
and let's not forget
your precious Harvard!
- What?
- Not you!
Well, these are some pretty
impressive résumés.
Well, they should be.
They're 40 of the best
female money managers
in the country.
Lookit, the days of this place being
a men's locker room are over.
So no more post-deal
ass slapping?
Regretfully, no.
I-I can't slap a man's ass
in the workplace
and not also slap
a woman's ass,
and I can't slap a woman's ass,
so I...
I can't slap any ass!
Look, I gotta confess
to you,
this whole experience has been
quite freeing for me.
You see, I've managed to tap
into my feminine side.
So tell me, how are things
with you in here?
(Sighs)
- Well, actually, Jenny's...
- Feeling threatened by Heather?
Yeah. How did you
know that?
Intuition.
Of course Jenny is feeling
threatened by Heather.
You and Heather are...
Well, you're the perfect merger.
You went to the same school together,
you speak the same language...
Hell, you'd spawn a race of
super-children I'd hire in a minute.
On paper, you two are
an ideal match.
Well, we did finish
one and two in our class.
I won't say who was number one,
but, you know...
I was.
Well, if you were so perfect
together, why'd you break up?
Well, we moved
to different cities.
(High-pitched whistle)
Wrong!
Okay, I can see you're back
in touch with your masculine side.
You broke up with her because
you weren't in love with her.
This, uh... this is
a picture of my wife.
You can look at it long enough
to see how beautiful she is,
but not so long
that it gets awkward.
And that should
do the trick.
Let me ask you,
do you...
Do you think our relationship
was made any easier
by the fact
that we were both
powerful investment bankers
when we got started?
Yes.
She didn't even have a bank
account when we got started.
We had nothing in common.
She was a painter, and I was...
Well, I was impressive.
See this painting?
This painting is...
Is one of hers.
The yellow splotch
on gray.
Yes. She calls it
"Yellow Splotch on Gray."
Right.
You know what this
painting means?
Uh, well, I'm guessing the gray
could represent hopelessness,
and I'm thinking the yellow
splotch can be an egg.
No.
It means I love my wife.
And every time I look
at this painting,
I'm reminded of just how much
I do love her.
You understand, on paper,
we had nothing in common.
But God knows, you don't fall
in love on paper, do you, son?
(Pats back)
Uh, I gotta go.
Holy smokes.
I think that is an egg.
- Uh, we are closed.
- Yeah, I just... I wanna talk to Jenny.
- Well, I don't want to talk to you.
- Step off, bitch.
Listen, I screwed up,
and I'm really sorry.
But you are the only person
in the world that I want to sing with.
Oh, Brody, don't.
Yeah. Karaoke is over,
as are you two,
so let's get out of here,
guys.
♪ Right from the start
♪ You were a thief,
you stole my heart ♪
♪ And I your willing victim
(singsongy)
No one's listening!
♪ I let you see the parts of me
that weren't all that pretty ♪
♪ And with every touch
you fixed them ♪
(Exhales)
(Chuckles)
♪ Now you've been
talking in your sleep ♪
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Things you never say to me
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Tell me that you've had
enough ♪
♪ Of our love
♪ Our love
♪ Just give me a reason
♪ Just a little bit's enough
♪ Just a second, we're not
broken, just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
♪ It's in the stars
♪ It's been written
in the scars on our hearts ♪
♪ That we're not broken,
just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
♪ And we can learn
to love again ♪
So, the place downstairs
couldn't get the stain out,
but I found a place
in Jackson Square that could.
So, uh, if there's
nothing else...
Go ahead.
Good work today.
Yes! What?
(Giggles)
Heather, could I speak
with you for a moment?
Oh.
I, uh, I just
want to tell you
what a delight it's been to have you
with us here the last couple of days,
and I sure hope nothing has prevented
you from feeling comfortable
while you've been here.
- Can I speak frankly, sir?
- Sure. I wish you would.
I took this job because I heard
you were a hard-ass boss
who would push me to be
the best that I could be,
and you're treating me like some
kind of princess, and it's bullshit!
No wonder the Chicago office
is going in the crapper.
I feel like I'm the only one
in this company with balls!
That's fantastic!
How, uh...
How would you like to run
my Chicago office for me?
- I'd love to.
- Good.
You start Monday.
(Gasps)
Oh... one other thing.
Please don't confuse me with some
jackass you meet out in the street.
I am your boss, so watch
your BLEEP mouth.
Go get 'em!
(Laughing) A toast to
the Chicago office!
- Hear, hear!
- Whoo!
- Mmm.
- Why do you have to go?
("Locked out of Heaven" playing)
Guys, let's go. We're up.
- Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Ooh!
Oh! I love this song!
Heather, get your cute butt
up here.
Yes!
♪
- Let's kill this.
- Let's go.
- Okay, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
♪ I never had much
faith in love ♪
♪ Or miracles
- Great job, babe.
- ♪ Huh
♪ I never wanna put
my heart on the line ♪
♪
♪ Huh
♪ Swimming in your water
is something spiritual ♪
- ♪ Ooh, oh, oh
- ♪ Huh
♪ I'm born again every time
you spend the n-i-i-ight ♪
- ♪ ...I-i-ight
- ♪ Huh
♪ 'Cause your sex takes me
to paradise ♪
♪ Yeah, your sex takes me
to paradise ♪
♪ And it sho-o-ows
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪
♪...