Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - If I Were a Rich Man - full transcript

You're going to lose!

You're going to lose,
you're going to lose...

Jenny's birthday present
isn't a competition.

Oh, that's right. Because...
You're going to lose!

You're going to lose,
you're going to lose...

No, not this year.

I got this from the startup
company on the 13th floor.

They just went under, and they have
the best leftover swag. Look at this.

It's a mapping app to find
available dogs in your area, okay?

- To have sex with?
- No!

For your dog to play with!
What is wrong with you guys?



Plus, I got one more thing.
Boo-yeow!

Dogtagd novelty dog poop.

♪ How you like me now?
(Snaps fingers)

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
No holding hands! It's flu season!

(Laughs)

- What's with that gift?
- Oh, uh, it's my birthday tomorrow.

No, it's not. Jenny!

Why didn't you tell me
it's your birthday tomorrow?

Well, it's just a birthday.
I don't know.

- I don't want to make a fuss.
- Well, I do want to make a fuss.

And I'm telling you
right now,

I'm the best gift giver
on the face of this planet.

I'm gonna kick
everyone's ass here.

Whoa!
It's not a competition.



(Singsongy) Psycho!

I don't know, I just never
really cared about gifts.

In fact, the best gift that I ever got
was for my 8th birthday,

when my mom let me dig a hole
in our backyard. (Chuckles)

So your gift was a hole?

That's right...
A hole...

Brody, you're missing the point.
It's not about money, you know?

It was so thoughtful. And me and my
brothers, we used to sleep in it. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get you a gift
that's gonna blow your hole away.

(Laughs)

♪

Season 1, Episode 4
"The Gift"

Bro, great news. I just
bought a pair of jet skis.

- You mean, like, His and Hers?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Except there's no "Hers,"
it's just "His"

and "His other one."

I thought we agreed that you wouldn't
buy any more personal watercrafts

until you at least learned
how to swim, or had money.

It's all good.

It's the end of the quarter.
Mansfield's about to hand out bonuses.

Mr. Wen.
You're getting a bonus?

Congratulations.
I hadn't heard.

Mr. Moyer, come here.

The only way to justify a morning cigar
is to be either out on a golf course

or in a meeting, and since
I was just fined last week

for chipping golf balls
up at that helipad,

welcome to our meeting.

Okay. So what's
our meeting about?

Oh, I think you know.

Is it about me searching for Jenny's
birthday gift on company time?

It is now!

So a gift for Jenny?

I say, what do you get
the girl who has nothing?

I'm actually the best
gift giver in the world.

You're not even the best
gift giver on this balcony.

Guess what I got my wife
for her last birthday.

I'll... I'll tell you if you're
in the right ballpark.

- I would have no idea.
- I got her a ballpark.

Look at this view. Huh?
Tell me what you see.

Some very nervous people
on a helipad.

Pussies.

I see limitless opportunity.

You know what they see when they
look out their windows downstairs?

Nothing.
They don't have windows.

Closest thing they're gonna
come to an expensive cigar

is about ten seconds
from...

Now.

Well, they happen to be
really nice people.

No, I didn't say they weren't. They
just have a very different world view.

(Cigar thuds)

Ooh, sweet!
Morning cigar!

You know, if you...
If you do buy Jenny a nice gift...

And you should,
because she deserves it...

You're going to be injecting
money into the equation,

and that changes everything.

Hey, I'm not worried. Like Jenny always
says, money can't buy happiness.

And like I always say,
bullshit!

Money absolutely can buy
happiness.

Listen, Jenny is one of the happiest
people I have ever met,

and the best
gift she ever got was a hole.

Let me... let me just
tell you something.

Money put my girls through
the finest schools in this country.

Money also let me build that
maternity ward at the hospital.

And money is going to pay for
that helicopter's new window.

(Hits ball)

Fore!

- That's the dog sex site, right?
- Okay, it's not a dog sex site.

It's a way for dogs to meet other
like-minded dogs to play with.

Well, I will wear it proudly.
(Giggles)

- Oh! (Gasps) A poop, too?
- Ooh! Surprise!

(Laughs)

Well, I'm giving you something
that nobody else here can give you.

(Laughs) What are you doing?

I have over 10,000
gay Twitter followers.

And after I tweet this picture of you
and I, they will all be following you.

- Are you ready?
- Uh-huh.

Congratulations. You just got gayed.
(Laughs)

Thanks, but I'm...
I'm not on Twitter.

Oh!

I went halfsies
on the poop.

(Harvard) Okay, okay, okay.
Winning gift coming through.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Don't be intimidated by the size
of my package. (Laughs)

All right, Jenny, go ahead
and open it up.

- Uh...
- Okay.

Oh, wow, that's me.

(Laughs)

Yeah, look closer.
You see it?

It's a mosaic.
(Laughs)

It's you made out of a bunch
of tiny photos of me. (Laughs)

Oh, wow, Harvard, I...
um...

I don't know what to say.

It's not serial killer-y
at all.

- Your serve.
- Well, uh, you certainly set the bar...

In a secret room
in your basement, but, uh,

I happen to have
a pretty good gift myself.

(Laughs) You didn't have to.

But I'm really, really
glad that you did.

(Giggles)

- Ooh! A hoodie!
- Yeah.

Damn, dude, that hoodie doesn't
even have a logo on it!

- Oh, it's nice!
- Thanks.

Oh! So soft! (Laughs)
(Laughs)

Oh, holy freaking crap,
this is soft.

Oh. It's wonderful.
I love it. Thank you.

Guys, guys, do you...

Wanna know how I did the mole
on your cheek?

- No!
- No!

Relax. It is not
what you're thinking.

Oh, my God.

It's my butt.

(Groaning)

Okay, there's no question
I'm getting a bonus, right?

I've hit all my targets, I have
worked three Saturdays a month.

I even shagged golf balls
off that helipad for Mansfield,

and those balls
come in fast, man!

Well, don't tell me.
Tell Mansfield.

You're right.

I shouldn't be afraid
of my boss.

He's just a man.

He doesn't have
special powers.

- Who doesn't have special powers?
- Ohh!

Did you want to tell me
something, Mr. Wen?

Uh, yeah, sir.
I, uh, have been thinking

a lot about my quarter, and I
can say with absolute confidence

that I definitely believe
that I, uh, quite possibly

deserve a bonus
of some type if...

You agree.

I think you've just answered your
own question, don't you, Mr. Wen?

Yes.

And look at you.

You seem pretty pleased
with yourself.

I recognize that look from my very
own mirror, of course. (Chuckles)

I got Jenny an Henri Pétard
cashmere hoodie, and she loves it.

Thataboy!
(Laughs)

- (Laughs) All right!
- Yeah.

- You ruined her.
- What?

See this Bordeaux?

It is spectacular.

In fact, it's one of the top five
vintages in the history of grapes.

My mentor gave me a case
20 years ago when I made partner.

If you drink this wine, it will ruin
all other wines for you forever.

Oh. Well, that's impossible.
I've had lots of good wine before.

I spent a semester
abroad in France.

Fair enough.
Drink up.

Ooh. That's good.
Really good.

Here it comes.
Three, two...

Oh, my God, I'm finding taste buds
I never even knew I had.

Is it possible to taste color?
My tongue is alive!

Ooh!

- And finally...
- I miss my dad.

Yeah.

And now any other wine you
ever drink will taste like cat piss.

Just like the hoodie
that you got for Jenny

will make all of her other clothes feel
like she is slow-dancing with a cactus.

You've exposed her
to the finer things.

- There's no going back now.
- Sir, you don't know Jenny.

It gives me no joy to be right.
Well, that's not true.

It gives me tremendous joy
to be right.

I-it gives me no joy
to see your relationship

come undone
by virtue of a gift.

I bet you're wrong.

I bet this gift brings
Jenny and me even closer.

I'll take that bet.
If I'm right, I get your bonus.

Fair enough.
And if I'm right?

- You get a unicorn.
- What?

What's it matter?
You can't win.

Fine. Fine, fine. If you win, I will
put up the final bottle of this Bordeaux.

- It's a bet.
- Fine. Let's drink to it.

This is the 2007
wine of the year.

It is the second-best wine
you will ever have.

Let me know
how that tastes.

(Shudders)

Cat piss, right?
Yeah.

You stroke that thing any harder,
it's gonna have to buy you dinner.

(Laughs) It's the softest thing
that I have ever felt.

Of course that douche has to go out
and get you a gift

that makes all our gifts
look crappy.

Hey, he is not a douche,
okay?

It's just a hoodie.
Anybody could have bought it.

Whoa! Not that hoodie.
(Inhales)

- It's an Henri Pétard.
- What?

He only uses wool made
from the underbelly of goats

who have spent their entire lives beings
pampered, groomed, and gently masturbated.

Ooh.

I wish I was a goat.

Fine, but you know what? That does not
mean that Brody went crazy on his gift.

Look. See? He paid $40...
For shipping.

Oh, my God!
This thing cost $630?

What?! The only way
a hoodie is worth $630

if there's a $600 bill
in those pockets.

- These cost $630?
- I don't know. I didn't check the price.

Do you think
that impresses me?

Not unless "impresses"
means "makes angry."

- Why? What's going on?
- I can't keep this hoodie.

- I thought you loved it.
- I do love it.

- I just don't want it.
- Why don't you want it?

I do want it.
I just can't keep it.

It costs more than my rent,
and I don't want to be a snob.

Well, you're worse than a snob.
You're, like, a reverse snob.

(Gasps)

How dare you,
and what does that mean?

It means that you purposely don't like
things because they're expensive.

I just don't want
this hoodie! Okay?

It's not me,
and if you think it is,

then maybe you don't know me
very well. (Whimpers)

Just looks to me like
you really love it.

Of course I love it!
I just hate it!

Again, not happy about
you and the girl, but...

Very happy to be right!

See? You didn't need
Brody's hoodie.

- You got dogtagd!
- (Laughing) Yeah!

Okay, we need to talk.

You can say a lot
of bad things about me.

I work too hard,
I use too much hair product...

Wow, I'm really
too self-critical.

But... the one thing
you cannot say about me

is that I'm not
a thoughtful gift giver.

(Clapping)

Bravo.

Save that for your $25-an-hour
therapist.

- Therapists make way more than that.
- Seriously?

Why am I not a therapist?
I hate my parents.

Brody, the hoodie was beautiful.
You just didn't think it through.

Yeah, look, man, it's not your fault.
You only knew her for a few weeks.

We've known her for years.
That's why your gift sucked ass.

First of all, my gift
did not suck ass.

Secondly, I know Jenny
very well.

In fact, I would argue that my gift was
the most thoughtful of anyone's here.

Oh, no. I know you ain't
talkin' to me.

Okay, Derrick,
let's start with you.

Exactly how much thought did you put
into getting Jenny that gift?

- I put a ton of thought into it.
- What thought exactly was that?

I looked in the box and I thought,
"Hey, it's too small for me."

And, Tori, you gave Jenny
the gift of Internet fame,

but you hadn't even checked to see
if Jenny was even on Twitter.

In my defense, I'm not
clear on her last name.

Tori, it's Miller.
It says it right here.

And I also went in on
the dog poop with Derrick.

So you literally gave
half a shit? Impressive.

Okay, let's talk about
your gift, Harvard.

I have nothing to hide. I mean,
look at it. My gift is all about Jenny.

Your gift is literally
made of you.

- Objection! Hearsay!
- Yes! We all heard you say it.

Withdrawn.

Now, Jenny, since we met, how many
half-movies have we seen?

- I don't know.
- I do. Three.

We always leave early
because you get too cold.

- What's your point?
- My point is that I gave you

the warmest thing that's
ever been on your body.

And by the way, how does that hoodie fit?
Fits perfectly, doesn't it?

Is that an accident,
or is it because

I always hear you complain
that a small fits too small

and a medium fits too big,
so I found the only hoodie

that comes
in a small and a half?

And, Jenny, one final question.

What is that tiny, dirty blue square
of soft fabric that lives on your pillow?

My baba?

I'm sorry, could you say that
one more time for the room?

- Sure. My baba.
- Your baba!

The blanket that you've
had since you were a baby,

and the softest thing
your skin has ever touched.

Until that hoodie.

Now you can tell me
that gift was too expensive,

but you cannot say
that it was thoughtless,

because I promise you, no one
has ever put more thought

into getting a gift
than I did for you.

I rest my case.

Mr. Mansfield, I, uh,
just want you to know

I understand why
I'm not getting a bonus.

Well, that's a hell
of an icebreaker.

Come on in. Sit down.
I want to hear this.

Okay. Well, uh, I realize now
that I was content

to hit my targets
rather than exceed them.

Uh, some weekends, I simply
skim the Nikkei reports.

And quite often,
I use the office computers

to search for Kardashian
nip slips.

Well done, Mr. Wen.

That's the first time
you've been self-critical

since you've been with us, so
it pleases me to give you... your bonus.

Thank you, sir.

You've done some
real nice work on yourself.

'Cause as Carl Jung once said,
"He who looks inside, awakes."

I think it all started
when my parents told me

I was not good enough
for a goldfish.

Get your feet the hell
off my furniture,

and take care of all that
personal crap on your own time.

Go on, get out of here.

Mr. Moyer?

- Sir?
- Come on in.

Here's your bonus, son.
Please don't open it in here.

I have a certain image of you,
and I don't want it ruined

by seeing you giggle
like a geisha.

- I don't understand.
- It's a Japanese hostess.

When they laugh, they cover their
mouth, and they do this thing...

No, I get the reference.
I-I just... I lost the bet.

Oh, come on, son, I'm not gonna
take hard-earned money

away from you just because
you made a-a silly bet.

I'm a... I'm a businessman
and I'm a grownup.

You will, however, notice
in the memo section of that check,

I wrote,
"Naa naa, na na na."

Just to remind myself
I was right.

Thank you, sir.

Jenny. Can I help you?

Hi, Mr. Mansfield, sir.
Um...

I was just bringing Brody something
work-related that he asked for.

Uh... a tampon
and a nickel.

That's awkward.

(Sighs) Hi.
(Chuckles nervously)

Um... what you did
down there

was really awesome.

And maybe I am
a reverse snob.

I just... I have never had anything
as nice (laughs) as that hoodie before.

But then again, I've never
dated a guy like you before.

(Laughs)

Mmm. Now can I please
have my hoodie back?

(Laughs) It's the only thing
I've ever gotten

that's better than my hole.
(Chuckles, stops)

Oh, God, I've been telling
that story for 20 years,

and I just now
heard how it sounds.

Yeah.

Okay...
(Chuckles)

- Well, Happy Birthday... again.
- Thanks!

So you coming
downstairs for the party?

Yeah. I just have to do
one thing first.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I thought you'd like to know that
Jenny totally loved the hoodie,

is even more into me
than ever, and, uh...

(Inhales) What's the other thing?
Oh, yes! Naa naa, na na na! (Laughs)

You'll find the bottle of Bordeaux
behind you on that table.

It has your name on it with
a "Congratulations" card next to it.

Wait. So you knew all along
that I'd win the bet?

Of course I didn't know.
I don't have special powers.

Bless you.
(Sneezes)

Thank you.

No, I had hoped she was the kind
of girl who could handle it.

Truth be told, my wife
didn't come from money, either,

although she got used to it
pretty freaking quick.

- So you ruined your wife?
- Oh, I ruined the hell out of her.

There's nothing better than
ruining the right woman.

I hope I get the chance.
Thank you so much for the wine.

Open it on a special occasion, like
maybe when... when you make partner.

(Giggles)

(Dance music playing)

Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, actually,
I brought something

that I was gonna save for a special
occasion, but this seems pretty special.

Oh, no, you know what?
I'm not really a wine person.

Trust me, you are about to be.
(Chuckles)

Happy Birthday.
(Cups clink)

Ahh...

Ooh. You know what would
make this way better?

Something bad has happened!

Ooh. Now that is delicious.

I love that I can't ruin you.

Although I think
you ruined me for other girls.

Hmm.

What you looking for?

I was just waiting
for Harvard to come in

with some sort of
a douche-related insult.

Where is Harvard anyway?

(Shovel scraping, police radio chatter)
(Humming)

- Good evening, officer.
- What are you doing?

I am digging a hole
for a girl.

I bought her a present,
and, she, uh,

she hated it. And I got
pretty upset about that.

So... I said to myself,
this is the answer.

Dig a hole, make it big enough,
(chuckling) so she can get inside.

(Laughing)
She is going to die.

What?