Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Take Me Out to the Ballgame - full transcript

Three, two...

One, lunchtime!

- Yeah!
- (Tori) All righty.

All right! Who's ready to hit up
that new food truck again?

No, no, no.
That's not a food truck.

That's a guy selling bunless hot
dogs out of the back of a van.

(Laughs) Are you guys
talking about van dogs?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah? (Laughs)
- You in or you out, girl?

Um, I would love to, but Brody
and I are going to lunch.

Oh, where has he been?
I haven't seen that guy in weeks.



Yeah. You know, you're right, Derrick.
It has been amazing.

Harvard, he's just been
really busy lately.

But he's still the sweetest, most
thoughtful guy... (Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh! That son of a bitch
canceled on me again.

Now that it's finally over,
I feel like I can tell you

I never really cared
for him.

(Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh, my God, you guys!
He made me a video.

♪ When I see your face

♪ There's not a thing
that I would change ♪

♪ 'Cause you're amazing

♪ Just the way you are

How sweet! (Laughs) Oh...

Oh, big deal. I could sing
like that, too, if I had a good voice.



- Why is he on the toilet? Is he pooping?
- No!

The bathroom's the only place
he can sneak away.

Yeah, that's cool. If I sung
like that, I would poop all day.

He is not pooping, okay?

His childhood dream
was to be a singer,

and he even had a music teacher
that told him he was good enough.

So? I had a teacher who told me
I could be a model.

He even took pictures of me
in my underwear to prove it.

Can you forward me
that video, please?

- Yeah, me, too. I really love that song.
- No, you guys, that's private.

Guys, guys, guys.

Why would a typing teacher need
pictures of me in my underwear?

So van dogs.

- (Derrick) Van dogs!
- We eatin'!

Oh.

Jenny, you forgot...
(Lowers voice) Your phone.

Brody, say hello to YouTube.

(Laughs evilly)

You were supposed to forward me
those numbers!

I can't forward you those numbers
until Kyle forwards them to me.

- (Both) Kyle!
- I can't take this anymore, guys!

(Cell phone alert chimes)
Oh, this might be it.

- Oh, this is good.
- Are those the numbers?

Mnh-mnh. It's something called
"Potty Pavarotti."

No, you might
wanna check this out.

(Brody)
♪ When I see your face

♪ There's not a thing that...

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Do not forward that, please.

No, no, no. I would never...
Again.

♪ When I see your face

(laughing) Okay, let's go.
Let's hand it over.

Very, very funny. We're all laughing.
♪ When I see your face

(cell phone alert chimes) Oh, every...
everyone's a comedian now.

All right. I understand
what's going on. Oh, wonderful.

- ♪ When I see your face
- Oh, Kyle, you, too. Wonderful.

What am I doing? I'm trying
to stop the Internet with my hands.

- What the hell's going on out here?
- Uh, it's just a funny video, sir.

Well, show it to me.
I could use a good rib tickling.

I don't think
you'll like it, sir.

I wanna be tickled.
Who wants to tickle me?

Mr. Wen? Mr. McCormick?

Potty Pavarotti?

- How did you...
- You've gone viral, son.

And, Mr. Moyer, you have
the voice of an angel.

Get me those numbers.

(Gruff voice)
♪ When I see your face...

♪

Season 1, Episode 5
"Take Me Out to the Ballgame"

Jenny?

Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Depeche Commode.

New Kid on the Pot.

I suppose you're wondering who came up
with the diabolical plan to spread

this virus of humiliation
around the world.

It was obviously you.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

That was a dramatic pause.

(Dramatically) 'Twas I.

Nobody cares, man.

Well, why don't you tell that
to the 42,345 people

who have witnessed you at your
lowest moment, turd eye blind?

Listen to this
scathing comment.

- "Not bad."
- Hmm.

- "Cute."
- Huh.

"Where can I buy this?"

Damn it!

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

I am so, so sorry
about that video.

'Twas Harvard.

- How was work?
- Oh, my God. It was insane.

By 7:30, the deal was dead, so Mansfield
gets on the phone to Singapore.

I get on the phone
to Frankfurt.

I took a Bissell German
in college. (Speaks German)

Anyway, long story long,

by the time Threepeat talked
Kyle off Mansfield’s balcony,

the deal was saved, and here I am.
I love my job! I love it so much!

(Laughs) Okay.
Let's put that coffee down.

And it's empty, which would
explain why you're vibrating.

(Cup thuds)

Which might actually be a lot of fun for
me if we were spending any time together.

Okay. Look, I-I know
that I've been busy lately,

but the deal has to close
by Sunday night,

and Monday's a holiday,
so I will be all yours.

(Chuckles) And I know exactly
what I'm gonna do with you.

- Oh, I think I do, too.
- Mm-hmm.

- Baseball game.
- Sex-a-thon... Baseball game.

My Diamondbacks
versus your Giants...

Just you, me, and the greatest
team in the National League.

Plus the Diamondbacks
will be there.

Oh, ho! Ha ha ha ha!

Your team is
so getting spanked.

(Cell phone alert chimes)
Oh, sorry.

Crap. That's Mansfield.
Something's going on with the deal.

What's going on with the deal?
What's the deal?

Oh, my God!
I love my job so much!

All right, team.
Bring it in. Let's take a knee.

Oh, sir, this is a new
Prada suit, so... (Whistles)

Now I just got off the phone
with Singapore,

and it looks like this deal
is going to close.

(All cheer)

This is a place of business.
I'll tell you when you can cheer.

And you cheer!
(All cheer)

Now we have a lot of hard work
in front of us,

but when we do close,
you will be rewarded.

Won't somebody cheer?
(All cheer)

Because Remington Trust is
the best damn team in this business.

Give me a cheer.
(All cheer)

Because I'm gonna take you
to see

the best damn baseball team
in the business...

The San Francisco Giants...

From the best damn luxury suite
money can buy,

and this is all gonna happen
Monday.

(All) Monday!

Or Tuesday works better
for some people.

Monday it is!

(All cheer)

Okay, everybody has off Monday
for the holiday,

but I do need two volunteers
to help keep the building open.

Oh, yeah, that's a "Hell, no"
from me, okay?

I've watched too many
horror movies,

and the lone black guy
in the empty office building...

He's gonna die.

Hey, Tori,
can you work Monday?

- Yeah. What the hell.
- I'll do it, too.

Hey, you.

Oh, hey, babe. So bad news.
The Giants game's sold out on Monday.

Oh, no!

But I went online
and got us tickets! (Laughing)

Oh, awesome.
I'm so psyched.

Now are they the best seats?
No.

But are they the worst seats?
(Stammers) Yes.

Oh. (Laughs) Wow.
You wanna hear something funny?

- Yeah.
- (Laughs) You're gonna laugh.

I love to laugh, so...

- So to reward us for our hard work...
- Mm-hmm?

Mansfield bought the luxury suite
for Monday's game. (Laughs)

It's the same game
we're supposed to go to.

So are you telling me
that you're gonna bail on me

on your one day off of work
to spend more time with your boss?

(Laughs nervously)
Not now, I'm not.

Sir, can I talk to you
for a second?

Whoa!

Brody, what in the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry. Your assistant told
me that you were in here, so...

You're violating steam room etiquette.
You understand?

You enter a steam room the exact same
way you enter the world... naked.

Gotcha. So... I wanted to talk
to you about the baseballs...

(Exhales deeply) Uh, the
baseball game on Monday.

Oh, it's gonna be
a good one, isn't it?

You are a, uh, fellow
Giants fan, I trust.

- The biggest.
- Oh.

Now about that, I... I just gave
$250,000 to the Giants' charity.

Okay, well, I have a Willie Mays
bubblehead doll, so...

You know, I've been blessed
with two very lovely daughters,

neither of which has the slightest
bit of interest in baseball,

so it's always been
a dream of mine

to have a son who might like to go
to a couple games with me.

Yeah...

(Laughs) So funny story.
You wanna laugh?

- No.
- Oh, excellent. So, um...

Turns out that Jenny already
bought us tickets to the same game.

That's a crime.
I hope you let her down easy.

Well, I tried, but...

You know how girls get hurt when you tell
them you can't do something with them?

Are you saying you...

(Voice breaks) You don't wanna
go to the game with me?

No, no, of c... of course not.
It's just that...

'Cause I'll be darned,
it sounded like you said

you don't wanna go
to the game with me.

I'm not saying that at all.
I'm just saying,

I haven't really spent a lot of
time with Jenny recently, so...

How in God's name could you
bail on your team like this?

- Come on. Don't be like that.
- Don't tell me how to be.

Mr. Moyer, look.

Do you know why we work
so very hard to close these deals?

- The money...?
- Of course it's the money.

After the money,
there's the camaraderie.

Just like when the pack
gets themselves an antelope,

and afterwards,
everyone celebrates.

I mean, everyone
but the antelope, of course.

(Door opens)

Just need to get a signature
on these invoices.

- Why the hell are you naked?
- Uh, steam room etiquette...?

- Bend over. Nice and deep.
- All right.

What are you looking at?

Just something that I'll see for the rest
of my life every time I close my eyes.

Quit making this weird.

Sir, I could probably
talk to Jenny again.

Oh, no, you made your choice.
There will be no antelope for you.

We're gonna have fun
without you.

Young man, how would you
like a free ticket

to the company luxury suite
for a Giants baseball game?

(Chuckles) Is this some sort
of Machiavellian ploy to punish Brody?

You're damn right it is.
Are you in or out?

(Laughs) In. Of course I'm in.
(Laughs)

This is gonna be awesome.

Some quality time
to bond with Mansfield.

Oh, Kyle, real talk? I don't think
Mansfield knows your name.

Who's ready
for baseball?

Everybody gets a glove.
Mr. McCormick. Mr. Wen.

Sport.

Attention, capitalist pigs.

I am here ironically.

I have no interest in indulging
in your bourgeois idea of luxury.

(Chuckles)

Is that your own private carvery?
It's ridiculous.

What do you expect us to pay
for this orgy of indulgence?

It's free, man.

I will take two of all
the things you have here.

Kill another cow.
I don't care.

You know, this seat's not taken.
Why don't you sit here?

Uh... it's just that Brody
normally sits next to you.

Brody's not here, is he?
Come on. Scooch over.

Okay.

You a, uh,
you a Giants fan?

Oh. Yeah. The biggest.
Getting killed today, though.

Game hasn't started yet.

Oh, good.
We're still in it, then.

- Okay. I'm gonna...
- (Clears throat) I'm right here.

And you're two rows up,
unless you wanna switch.

No, no, I'll be fine. I'll send up
a flare when I get there.

(Both laugh)

Get ready to have a fun day,
just you and me.

Mwah. Oh, I've already
forgotten about work.

(Woman over P.A.) How about
a big Giants welcome

for our special guests today?
Remington Trust.

The road to a better life
begins at Remington.

It's pretty good up here, too.
What do we have here? So...

Hey, looks like I got that middle
seat there, just between you guys.

No, you know what? Uh...
There we go. Sorry.

Real quick. Hey, we're on the same team.
And I'm in. Great.

And now please rise
for our National Anthem.

(Strained voice) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
(Mouthing words)

(Crowd cheering)

Yeah!

(Laughs)

Check me out. I'm
Hawaiian Wolverine. Huh?

(Imitates
blades zinging)

No.

(Growls)

So jaded. God.
You guys are in a wonderland.

We've all been given a golden
ticket to Wonka's Factory.

The only thing missing
is...

Is that a fountain
of chocolate?!

(Bat hits ball, crowd
cheering) Whoo!

All
right.

Hey, how'd you get that guy
to switch seats?

Oh, I asked him nicely.

And then I took him on a little trip...
(Singsongy) To Cleave-land. (Laughs)

Oh, Cleave-land is so beautiful
this time of year.

(Both chuckle)

Are you watching the game
on your phone?

No, it's just
Threepeat's Instagram.

He keeps posting pictures
of what's going on in the luxury suite.

Who cares what's going on
in the luxury suite?

Oh, I certainly don't.

I'm just happy that Threepeat's finally
getting some quality time with Mansfield.

In the seat that I usually
sit in. (Chuckles)

Close enough, Threepeat?
Why don't you hop in his lap?

Ha ha ha. I'm laughing
at it, though.

(Chuckles)

Babe, come on. You're here with me.
It's a beautiful day.

- We're just outside of Cleave-land.
- You're right. (Laughs)

You're right, you're right,
you're right.

That's gotta be crab legs,
right?

They couldn't have flown in
lobster. Ah, who cares?

You know, the truth is, I never
really got into baseball

because it's more
of a father/son game.

You know, my dad was
more into individual sports

like tennis and golf
and withholding affection.

Oh, I think every boy
should learn about baseball.

It encompasses
everything I love...

High salaries,
statistical analysis,

and those
tiny batting helmets

that they say are just
for kids under 12,

but of course,
I say that's bullshit.

Well... you know, sir, I've always wanted
to learn how to throw a curvy ball.

Curveball's
a very meager commodity.

It's all about the grip.
Take a hold of that

and get your finger
across the lace

and... when you release it,
pull the trigger.

You pull the trigger.
How does that feel?

- That feels like a family.
- Attaboy.

- Maybe we should have a catch sometime.
- Oh, I want that so bad.

Oh, God. Oh.

Young man, is that chocolate
that you're drinking?

Yeah, yeah, and there's a whole
fountain of it right back there.

(Laughs)

It's making me a little sick,
but I'm powering right through it.

Score some points!

(Laughs)

But now I am 100%
totally yours.

- After I go to the bathroom.
- Didn't you just go?

Yeah, but you keep making me chug my beer
every time the Diamondbacks score a run.

(Bat hits ball)

(Crowd cheering)

- Speaking of that...
- Damn it!

Guys, word of warning...

Do not dip the turkey leg in chocolate.
It is disgusting and...

(High-pitched voice)
Highly addictive. (Giggles)

(Singsongy)
Look who's here.

(Chanting)
Brody, Brody, Brody!

Mr. Moyer.
What are you doing here?

I just came down to say hi
and just pop back up.

Well, you've said hi. You've come down.
Now you can pop up.

Oh, well, well, well. How does
it feel to be on the outside?

(Chuckles) Pressing your face
against the glass,

watching us eat our Turkey
and chocolate... (Chuckles)

Knowing that you will never be the center
of attention ever again? (Chuckles)

(Bat hits ball)

(Crowd cheering)
- Oh!

- Oh!
- I got it! I got it!

Brody just caught that ball
with his bare hands!

- Yeah!
- (All chanting) Brody! Brody!

(Crowd cheering)

Oh, my God!

(Vomits)
(Crowd groans)

Oh, my God.

Son, tell it again,
won't ya?

Okay. So I heard the crack
of the bat.

I saw the ball out of the corner
of my eye, and then boom!

Pure reflex.
And fun fact...

I'm right-handed, but
I caught the ball with my left.

I love this game!
I love this game so much!

(Chuckles)

Uh, but you know what?
I actually do have to get back to...

- Jenny.
- Exactly.

Oh. Jenny.

I caught you a ball.

Oh, my gosh, Brody.
Thank you so much!

(Men) Whoa!

Oh, it hit the guy
I threw up on.

Well, I'm sorry
to interrupt, everyone.

- Enjoy the rest of the game.
- Wait, Jenny, Jenny.

You know what? Look, if you're
gonna sneak around on me,

at least have the decency
to do it with a really hot chick,

not a 50-year-old guy.

Okay. Look, I was not
sneaking around.

I just came down here for a minute
to celebrate with my team,

but I was gonna come
right back up to you,

and then I caught the ball
with my weak hand.

Look, Brody, I know that work
comes first. I get it.

But on your one day off, I, uh... I wish
that I at least made, like, the top five.

Hey, you do. You're more than that.

I... just look, why don't we
go up to our seats right now?

Oh. Oh, no. 'Cause they're not
our seats. They're my seats.

So I'm gonna go back to my seat
and cheer for my team...

After I take a turkey leg.

(Sighs)

Shouldn't have come down here.
I shouldn't have lied to Jenny.

I honestly shouldn't have caught
the ball with one hand.

Damn my natural
athleticism.

What you shouldn't have done
is hurt that little girl's feelings.

What the hell
were you thinking?

Well, you did say that it was more
important to be a part of the team.

Naked men in steam rooms say
a lot of things that they do not mean.

Gosh, I can't believe that
she threw your foul ball back.

That's real rage. Bless her heart. You're
gonna have to do something about it.

Yeah. I'm gonna have
to do something big.

No, you're gonna have
to do something giant.

Lucky for you, I have Giant friends
who owe me giant favors

because these are
the San Francisco Giants.

Yeah, no,
I get the reference.

Good. Save your voice.
You're gonna need it.

(Announcer) And now please welcome,
to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame,"

Remington Trust's own
Potty Pavarotti!

(Crowd cheering)

(Amplified voice)
This is for Jenny.

I'll always be on your team.

(Chuckles) No way.

♪ Take me
out to the ballgame ♪

♪ Take me out to the crowd

(crowd singing along) ♪ Buy me
some peanuts and cracker jacks ♪

♪ I don't care
if I ever get back ♪

♪ 'Cause it's root,
root, root for the... ♪

- ♪ D-backs
- (Crowd) ♪ Giants

(crowd booing) ♪ If they
don't win, it's a shame ♪

♪ 'Cause it's one, two

♪ Three strikes,
you're out at the old

♪ Ballgame

(cheers and applause)

Go, D-backs!

(Crowd booing)
That is my boyfriend!

That's my boy.

Okay, please just tell me
the story one more time.

All right, fine, but this
is the last time, okay?

So I finished singing the song,
I yelled, "Go, D-backs,"

and then 40,000 people
start booing me.

Uh, 40,000 people
minus one.

Yes, I heard you cheering.
Thank you. (Giggles)

And then I run off the field
in a blind panic

and I'm pulled
by the Diamondbacks manager.

- Kirk Gibson.
- Kirk Gibson, yes.

Who brings me into
the Diamondbacks dugout,

where I am high-fived
by the entire team.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

(Laughs)

Okay, now tell me
my favorite part.

I'm throwing out
the first pitch

at the Diamondbacks
home opener next year.

(Laughs)

I love this game.
I love it so much.

(Laughs)