Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Off to the Races - full transcript

Congratulations, fellas.

- On what, sir?
- On winning the lottery.

Because the only reason
I can imagine

why my fine young
money managers

aren't at the conference table
at 9:00 A.M.

is because y'all went in
on a winning lottery ticket

and you've come here to tell me
to kiss your collective ass.

You know, let's... let's take
a pause for a second

so you can all feel
appropriately uncomfortable.

Run.

Mr. Wen, not so fast.
Where is Brody?



He's never missed a Monday
morning debriefing before.

Uh, yeah. He had a...
Family emergency.

His dad... came down with
a surprise illness.

That is surprising,

especially since his dad has
been dead for nine years.

Yeah., it's been a real
roller coaster for the family.

Mr. Wen, a very important man
once said

that there are two reasons
a man should risk his career,

neither of which is
covering for a best friend

who is missing work
to be with a girl he just met.

- Who said that?
- I did. Just now.

Quotable

(Cell phone rings)

Hello? What?



- Aah!
- Aah!

It's 9:02!

I'm two hours late for work!

I'm two minutes late
for work.

Oh, wow.
We have different schedules.

How did my alarm
not go off?

Well, it did by accident
at 4:30, so I shut it off.

What? That's not an accident.
That's the time I set it for.

4:30? Are you a ship captain?

I have a routine, okay?
My alarm goes off at 4:30.

I have three egg whites and
a half-caf coffee with almond milk,

then 9-minute abs,
40 minutes on the treadmill,

6 minutes of hair zhuzhing,
and at work by 6:47.

Why don't you sleep in a little?
Skip the zhuzhing.

You never skip the zhuzh.

I've never missed Mansfield's
Monday debriefing before.

Well, tell him I debriefed you
at home... Twice.

Yeah. Mansfield really loves
sex puns.

- What are you looking at?
- Your butt. I gotta bite it.

One time. Two times.

- Five times, then I'm done.
- N-no.

Um, you cannot
bite my butt, okay.

Maybe once.
No, no. I can't.

I have to go to work, okay?
(Laughs)

So what are you doing later? Do you
wanna get some dinner or something?

Uh, no. Just text me
before you go to bed,

and I'll come over
and you can... debrief me.

Wow.

You are either the coolest
chick in the world... (Laughs)

- Or a dude.
- Hmm.

- Speaking of dudes...
- Hmm?

You're wearing my pants,
dude.

Guess I got in your pants
three times.

Mm. Up top.

♪

Season 1, Episode 2
"Off to the Races"

Gentlemen,
start your chairs!

(Handles click)

All right, this is for
all of the marbles.

No way. I have been collecting
these marbles all year long.

On your marks!

Get set!

Go!

Whoo!

- Damn it!
- That's how I roll.

It's not fair. You order
all the office furniture.

Obviously you're gonna have
the best chair.

Sorry I'm late, guys.

I, uh, I had
a-a doctor's appointment.

Ohh. And by "doctor,"
you mean Brody

and by "appointment,"
you mean appointment.

Oh! (Laughs)

(Speaks indistinctly) Maybe a little
somethin' like this.

- Bam! Bam! Bam! Come on!
- Ohh!

- Ping-pong! Ping-pong! Ping-pong!
- Whoo! Ping-pong her ass!

What kind of doctor
are you going to?

(Laugh) I was with Brody.

But it's not a big deal.
We're just hanging out.

- Just two friends hanging out.
- Sometimes I sleep over.

Yeah. Two friends hanging out,
sleeping over.

Although the sex has been
phenomenal.

(Voice breaks) Two friends
hanging out, sleeping over,

hurting everyone
around them.

- Hey.
- You okay?

What happened
at the debriefing?

Uh, well, Mansfield quoted
John McEnroe.

And then he asked
if any of us pussies

wanted to punch him
in the stomach.

Oh, he asked where you were,
but I covered for you, bro.

- Thanks. Did he seem pissed?
- Uh...

Hard to say.

He was smiling,
but was it the smile

of a man whose company
just posted a record year?

Or was it a deeper, sadder smile
that masked the disappointment

he felt in a young man
who is pissing away

a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity?

- I'm guessing both, sir.
- Ya nailed it.

Would you like to punch me
in the stomach?

No, sir. I don't want
to hurt my hand again.

Good call. Follow me.

(Clicks button, door unlocks)

I've been at this company
for 35 years.

Would you like to take a guess
how many times I've been late for work?

- Zero times.
- Less than that.

And that includes the time
I had back surgery,

came in at 9:00 A.M.
the next morning,

and closed a $10 million deal
while I was still high on pain meds.

It turns out the client was
this lamp.

As my father always said,

"If you can't be on time,
be early."

Son, as you know, I'm training
you to be my protégé.

Now it will be impossible for you
to do that and maintain a relationship.

A wise man once said,

"The greatest things ever achieved
are ones thought impossible."

I said that.

Well played.

Still, I need you to focus 100%
on this job.

Trust me, sir. I can do the job
and do the girl...

Date the girl.

Well, then anything over 100%,
you can give to the girl.

However, it's been my experience
women hate getting zero.

I know you're against
the idea of Jenny,

but I think if you met her,
you'd really like her.

I don't want to meet her.
She is a distraction.

I promise she won't be.

Really? Then what is she doing
here right now?

Jenny?

Right. I see what you did there.
(Laughs)

This is
the Haynes family trust.

I want you to figure out a plan
and have it on my desk by noon.

I'll have it to you by 10:00.
I want it by 7:00.

Ah.

It looks like your ground floor
company has arrived.

Is it a beautiful blonde
with legs for days?

It's a rugged auburn...

With a beard for months.
Go on. Touch it.

Whatever you find in there,
that's yours to keep.

I'm good.

(Snaps fingers)

Young man,
you smell like the forest.

- What can I do for you?
- I am with I.T.

And I am here to update
your firmware.

- You have six minutes.
- Oh. Good.

'Cause your time is
more valuable than my time.

I get it. We're not so different, though.
I have a job. I have a desk.

I have a drawer
filled with... cash. Okay.

I got a chair. Ohh!

(Chuckles)
(Handle clicks)

(High-pitched voice) What?

Whoa!

What are you doing, bro?

I'm trying to find a place
to take Jenny on a date.

Dude, you don't need to date.
Okay? You do what I do.

You take her back to your place, you throw
back a couple bananas so nobody cramps,

and then you oil up, you throw a tarp
down, you start banging bodies.

You must get laid a lot.

No, but I will be ready
when that day comes.

Look, all you just and I have
done is hook up.

I like her. I don't want to do
that "dick guy move."

Wait. What? How do I not know
what the dick guy move is?

Dick guy move is where you sleep
with a girl a bunch of times,

and then say you're not ready
for a commitment.

But then two weeks later,
you get stupid drunk on Tequila,

text her you love her.
Then the next thing you know,

you gotta change your number
and find a new coffee shop.

And I loved
that coffee shop!

Hope everybody's hungry.
I brought doughnuts.

Excuse me,
we are working down here.

Marco!

- Post-it!
- Post-it!

Wow. Is this really what
you guys do all day?

No. No, not all day.

We do building maintenance, I.T.,
office supplies, mail distribution.

We've been working on this list
of what we do in case anyone asks.

How cynical are you to think you
can buy us off with pastries?

(Chuckles) Am I right, guys?

- Well, I'll hit that.
- I'll hit that like it owes me money.

(Chuckles)

- Brody, you didn't have to.
- Well, yeah, I did.

Otherwise, I would've needed
an awkward segue

before asking you
on a date tonight.

Nice hair. You wanna go
on a date tonight?

(Laughs)

Nah.

- Wait. What?
- She said... (Laughs) "Nah."

Hey, no, I just like
what we've been doing.

Yeah, but all we've been doing
is going back to my place,

having hours
of acrobatic sex,

and then going our separate ways
in the morning.

- Yeah, and it's fun.
- So much fun.

(Laughs) But...

If I didn't know any better,

I would start to say that
you are using me for my body.

(Laughs)

That's funny.

So text me, uh,
when you're done with work,

and we can work off
these bear claws,

if ya know what I mean.
(Slaps butt)

Yeah.
I think I cracked that code.

(Mouth full) I mean have sex.

- Oh, yeah. No, I got it.
- (Jenny) Right.

Mm, what are we doing? I thought
we were going to get condoms.

Oh. Yeah, we are. They have a great
condom dispenser in the bathroom here.

Wait a minute. Are you trying
to take me on a date?

What?

Me? Pfft.

Mr. Moyer,
your table is ready.

How does she know my name?
We should follow her.

Did you steal
an upstairs chair, man?

- Does it look like it?
- Yes.

Well, then yes, I did.

On your marks!

Get set!

Go!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Not good! This is not good!
I can't...

(loud crash)

I can't believe you tricked me
into going on a date.

I can't believe I had to trick you
into a date. I'm a catch.

In fact, my aunt Shelly said if I wasn't
her nephew, I'd have to look out.

Look, I'm... I think you're great.
I'm just, um...

The thing is, I'm not looking
for a commitment right now.

Oh, my God.
That's the dick guy move.

- The what?
- The dick guy move.

It's where you sleep with
someone a bunch of times,

and then say you're not ready
for a commitment.

Next thing you know, I have to
find a new coffee shop,

and I'm really loving
this new coffee shop.

What? I'm... I'm not the dick guy.
I'm not even a-a guy.

- Really? You sure are acting like one.
- Okay. Well, you need to just calm down.

- Just calm down...
- Don't tell me to calm down. Okay?

Is that why you brought me here,
so I wouldn't make a scene in public?

You brought me!
I just wanted to have fun.

Now do you wanna go back
to your place or not?

If you're not gonna care
about me for me,

you're not gettin'
any of this.

Oh, my God.

- Is this a bad time?
- It's an excellent time.

I just finished
my 3-mile open ocean swim.

There was
a high surf advisory,

so I had the place
all to myself.

- "The place"?
- The ocean.

- Nature's gym.
- Gotcha.

Anyway, here's the work I did
on the Haynes trust.

You can transfer most of the assets
into a deferred annuity...

Or you could throw it off
the building.

I asked for that at 7:00.
I don't need it anymore.

- But it's 6:45.
- You should know my 7:00 is 6:30.

Sorry, sir. I didn't know
it was time sensitive.

It's time sensitive because I said
it was due at a certain time. And...

Well,
I'm a sensitive little bunny.

It was a test.

You failed.

Well, you'll be happy to know that
Jenny won't be a distraction anymore.

- Turns out she's just not that into me.
- How could she not be into you?

You're a catch.

- I know.
- Have a seat.

I know it stings a little now,
but trust me.

You will be grateful that you didn't
jeopardize your whole career for a fling.

Wow. That wet suit is
form-hugging.

Eyes up.

Thatta boy.

I guess I kinda thought
it wasn't a fling.

You know, a part of me thought
maybe she could've been "the one."

Oh, come on.
I'm a romantic myself.

Hell, I have a heart the size
the head of a baby.

I believe in "the one."

In fact, I believe in
a thousand "the ones."

Sir, I'm not sure you understand
the concept of "the one."

There are a lot
of "the ones."

There's the one
you meet in college,

the one you meet
backpacking through Europe,

the one who convinces you that
you actually look good in white jeans.

But the one
you meet in your 30s,

when you've finally made it,
if you're very lucky...

That's "the one" you marry.

You really wore white jeans?

Honest to God,
I wore the hell out of 'em.

I still wish
you could meet her.

I don't and I won't.
I want you to redo the Haynes work.

Have it on my desk end of day.
My end of day, not yours.

Yes, sir.
Is this another test?

Of course it's a test.
Everything's a test.

Tests and quality furniture

are the only things that
separate us from the animals.

Where the hell's my chair?

Yeah, this chair is dead.

What do you mean it's dead? You said
you could take apart any chair.

Yeah, I can. I just can't put
the chair back together.

Do you think I would work here if I knew
how to put chairs back together?

Well, can't we just give
Mansfield one of our chairs?

No, it won't work.
This is a top floor chair.

They have a different ass palate than
we do, and his butt's gonna know.

All right, which one of you
is Jenny?

- Who wants to know?
- You're Jenny.

Well, it makes
perfect sense now.

Brody died, and he asked me
to take care of you.

I'm Tori.

Hey, I follow you on Twitter.
You're @neverendingtori.

- Ha! Yeah.
- How are you hotter than your selfies?

Well, actually, I thought
that all my followers

were either 13-year-old boys
or gay.

Well, I have the fashion sense
of a gay man

and the hormones
of a 13-year-old boy.

Ah.

We should hang out.

If I met you two years ago,
I'd throw a tarp down,

get the oil out,
and eat some bananas.

Ohh.

But I put my man-eating days
behind me.

So here is some free advice...

Just back away slowly
before I change my mind,

unhinge my jaw,
and swallow you whole.

(Shaky voice)
Oh, no, I love you.

Hey, Jenny.

What the hell? Is this place
just crawling with hot chicks?

Thank you.

Okay, well, because of you,
Brody is hurting right now.

Which is crazy
because he's a catch.

And... and you need to know
that if you mess with him,

you mess with me.

And if you mess with anybody
down here,

you messing with me.

W-well, I guess we all saying
the same thing,

which is that...
(Shaky voice) I'm leavin'.

Is this Mansfield's chair?

Oh, my God. One of you guys is
so screwed. (Chuckles)

He knows about the chair.
What are we gonna do?

(Whispers) He's gotta die.

Do you know how
to kill people?

You think I would work here
if I knew how to kill people?

You guys, I think I know
who can help us,

but I'm not so sure he wants
to see me right now.

I don't wanna see you
right now.

Besides, why would I help him?
He hates me.

That's true. I do.

Harvard, we practiced
this in the elevator.

Right, yeah.

Brody, um, I know we've had
our differences.

But I think that you're awesome,

and I just hate you so much.

- Are ya high?
- I'm a little high, yeah.

Okay, look, if you won't do it
for him, do it for me.

Why would I help you?
You don't even like me.

You're just using me
for sex.

But I really like you.
That's why I don't want to date you.

- Oh. Okay. That makes no sense.
- W...

Okay, look, you're... you're cute
and you're smart

and you make me laugh
on purpose

and, hey, we wear the same size pants.
(Mouths word)

But relationships in my family,
they just don't work.

My grandma and grandpa,
mom and dad,

mom and stepdad,
stepdad and grandma.

All of 'em ended
really badly.

Yeah, but all relationships end
until the one that doesn't.

- That's the risk.
- Yeah. I don't like risk.

Yeah. Risk is the worst.

Put the stapler back.

I do like risk. I risk other
people's money for a living.

I work at a job where I can
get fired without notice.

My favorite board game
is Risk.

- I happen to dominate at Risk.
- I will destroy you at Risk.

But my professional opinion
as an expert risk taker

is that you and I
are a risk worth taking.

Well, I guess there is
something kinda sexy

about dating a guy
who likes risk.

Did I just
hear you say "dating"?

But I still expect you
to put out.

I'm the one who took
Mansfield's chair. Okay?

Doesn't get any riskier
than that, right?

(Door buzzes)
Hello. Magic door.

How high am I?

You and I need to have
a little talk.

I have nothing to hide.

My name is Brody Moyer.

- (Brody) He already knows me, genius.
- (Whispers) Damn it.

You have ten seconds to tell me
where my chair is.

Well, I have something
that you want,

so it appears to me
that I have all the leverage.

I could fire you,

have you arrested,
or simply disappear you.

It appears as though I have
grossly misread the situation.

Actually, sir, he took the chair
for your benefit.

- Really?
- This oughta be good.

He thinks you should have
a standing desk.

A standing desk?

Yes. It's good for your posture, it spurs
creativity, and generates confidence.

As I'm sure you know,
General Patton once said,

"No good decision was ever made
in a swivel chair."

That's a good quote.

All right, I'll buy it, but not really.
And, you... You're on my radar.

Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?

Probably the second one.

Here. Let me get that
for you.

Oh. (Chuckles) Thank you, dear.

My stepdad always
used to say,

"A man should always keep one hand free
for either catching or scratching."

Mm.

I quite like that.
(Laughs)

- What did you say your name was?
- I'm Jenny.

Oh, shit.

Ah, son. Come on in.
Come on in.

Your friend from the forest
was right.

I may never sit again.

Great. So here's the Haynes trust.
Just in time...

For you to throw it
30 stories to its death.

It's okay. You passed this test.
Rest assured, there'll be more.

- I'll be ready, sir.
- So I, uh, I met Jenny.

We talked, we laughed,
we shared folksy quotes.

- She is delightful.
- Told you.

Well, do you think
I'm surprised?

You care for her, so I knew
she'd be delightful.

That's exactly why
I didn't want to meet her.

Now when your career destroys
this relationship,

we're both gonna feel
horrible.

Tell you the truth, I, um,
I was hoping it'd just be you.