Ground Floor (2013–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - The New Office - full transcript

Okay, "Crazy, Stupid, Love"
is an emotional movie.

- It's okay to cry.
- Yeah, but, babe, you cried so much.

It's two men buying suits.
Okay, I'm not made of stone.

- Jenny. Mr. Moyer.
- Mr. Mansfield.

- Morning, sir.
- Yeah, it's interesting.

You two arriving at the exact
same time for work.

That's either a tremendous coincidence
or you spent the night together.

Which, according to my father,
means you got married.

Did you get married last night,
Jenny?

- What?
- It's a joke! (Laughs)

Ah! Brody never told you I had
a sense of humor, did he?



- Tell her I have a sense of humor.
- Oh, he's a riot.

- I'm a riot!
- Yeah.

(Rings bell)

Jenny.

Brody.

Tron.

Huh. You two arriving
at the exact same time.

That is either
a tremendous coincidence...

Or...?

Or nothing.
That's exactly what happened.

- Hey, guys!
- It's him, and he brought the dolly.

Oh, he's cleaning out an office.
Somebody's gettin' fired.

I wonder
who the poor bastard is.

- (High-pitched voice) What?! Why?!
- No!



Come on, dude.
I'm just tying my shoe. Sac up.

I happen to have
a very tall sac, thank you.

(Derrick) Mr. Mansfield needs
to see you.

- Carl's been here ten years.
- He was on track for partner.

You know what this means.

(Both, singsongy)
Empty office!

- What?! Are you serious, dude?
- I can't...

Hey, Carl.

Oh, Carl, bro. You look so sad, bro.
I'm so sorry, bro.

(Lowered singsongy voices)
Empty office!

♪

Season 1, Episode 3
"The New Office"

I consider this company
to be a family.

And like in any family, if you
underperform, you get fired.

As you no doubt have figured out,
we have an empty office.

I call dibs!

Congratulations. It's yours.

- Really?
- No!

Mr. Moyer, walk with me.

Now I think it goes without saying
who's first in line for that office.

- Thank you, sir.
- Oh, you think it's you?

I did until just now.

My daughter Lisa is in town
from college this weekend...

Oh, would you look
at that smile.

Cost me $12,000, and it was
worth every penny.

Poor girl had a mouth like
a sand shark.

- That's her before the braces.
- Watch your fingers, everybody!

She's in college now and she's being
exposed to a whole new world of ideas,

which, unfortunately,
she likes.

She's going through
some kind of

progressive hippie-dippie
eco-terrorist phase.

She's embracing
everything I revile,

and since I'm not gonna put up
with any of her nonsense,

you are.

Of course. I mean,
I-I don't wanna brag,

but I do know my way around
a hacky sack.

You and I have very different
ideas of what bragging is.

Now since Lisa thinks
every opportunity to reject me

is a clear win,
for this to work,

we're going to have to completely
convince her that I hate you.

Oh, that may require some pretty
intense acting on your part, sir.

- Don't touch me.
- Nailed it.

There's my girl!

- Daddy!
- Lisa!

Actually, I've changed it to "Lyssa,"
with a "Y" and two "S's."

Whatever makes you happy, Lisa.

No, it's "Lyssa,"
not "Lisa."

- Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.
- Lyssa. Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa.
- Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Brody.
- Yes, sir?

Uh, unfortunately, I am swamped
the whole time you're here,

and Mr. Moyer is the only one
I can spare.

So he's gonna be
your tour guide.

'Sup, girl?

Nice try, dad. He's clearly
your favorite. I'll be fine on my own.

You didn't really sell that one,
did ya, son?

"'Sup, girl"?

It's what the kids are sayin',
right?

And with an office
on the line.

Very disappointing.

It doesn't get any easier. I feel
like the Grim Reaper with a dolly.

- What is with the tricycle?
- It is not a tricycle.

It is the bike perfected.
Lower center of gravity, sleek lines.

(Bell dings)

I dig it. It's kinda like a bicycle
for people who can't get laid.

See? She gets it.

- Hey.
- Hey. You need a hug?

- Yeah, I do. Why? What's this for?
- Someone on your floor got fired.

Oh. Yeah. Right.

So... lunch?

Ooh, that is cold!
He had a name, man.

Wait. You save the badges
of every guy who gets fired?

Yes. Derrick has a process.

He learns about each guy
and then he has a memorial.

You know, he's like the priest
and executioner in one.

(Laughs) Except when Feinstein got fired,
and then he was a rabbi.

(Chuckles)

Hey, it was a mitzvah.

I call it
"The Wall of Fallen Douches."

Lest we forget how douchey
those upstairs guys are.

- You know I'm one of them, right?
- Yeah, that's why I said it.

Hey, Harvard,
he is not one of those guys.

- This guy cries at movies. (Chuckles)
- Babe.

At... manly movies.

- Babe.
- But... like...

- P-porn. Like the hard stuff.
- Please! Stop!

Please stop. Jeez.

Besides, it's impossible to get offended
by a grown man on a big wheel.

(Bell dings)

Oh, that's the future calling.
Oh, guess what?

(Whispers) I get the girl.

- She's right here, man.
- Yeah, that's why I said it.

Oh. Hey, check it out.

I got a surefire way of getting
that open office.

I am gonna blow Mansfield...

Away.

I was so worried you weren't
gonna say "away" there.

It's a new power move.

It allows me to enter Mansfield’s
office and take a seat

without ever breaking
eye contact, boom.

Right? I called
it "The Riker",

in honor of Commander William T. Riker
of "Star Trek - Next Generation."

What do you think?

I think...
You have to do that.

Yeah. I honestly can't believe
that I didn't think of it.

That's because while you were wasting
time getting busy with girls,

I was getting busy with...
(singsongy) "Star Trek."

Mr. Mansfield, I wanna talk to you
about that open office.

Fair enough. Have a seat.

Always check your chair
before you perform a Riker.

(Bell dings) Coming through!
I'm riding here!

You peds think you own
the lobby!

Nice bike.

My friend Fleur rides her recumbent
to the farmers' market every weekend.

Farmers' markets are so commercial.
I'm a member of a foraging collective.

I've had nothing but mushrooms
and hempseed to eat this week,

and I'm pretty dizzy.

Can I get a ride?
I'm Lyssa, with a "Y."

I'm Harvard,
with a "Why not?"

(Laughs) So you're excited because
you tricked your best friend

into making an ass out of himself
just so you that could get an office?

Yeah.

What the hell, Brody?
You know? Ugh.

What? Okay, a private office is
a huge deal.

There are only 12 of them
on the floor,

and one of them is for
Mansfield’s bow flex.

Okay? I don't know why
it needs the best view.

Or a private bathroom,
for that matter.

Yeah, well, you know what?
It's not like that down here, okay?

We don't have private offices or
private bathrooms or... bathrooms.

We have to use the one
in the chiropractor's office,

which is on the third floor, and that
is a long waddle when you gotta pee.

Okay, you have no idea
what it's like where I work.

If you don't step over
your best friends to get ahead,

you wind up on that wall
with Carl, okay?

Mansfield fired seven guys
last year.

And you wouldn't know
what that keep pressure is

because it's impossible
to get fired down here.

No, that is not true.

(Whispers) And lower your voice
'cause you're gonna wake up Tori.

Trust me. If you guys had something
to compete over, you'd do the same.

Or maybe we're just
better people than you are.

Oh. Yeah? Really?
Okay, let's find out.

- Hey, guys!
- I'm up!

Man, I'm working on Carl’s eulogy.
This better be important.

It is. I'm giving you all
something worth fighting for...

An access card to the parking garage.
I walk to work, so I don't need it.

- Whoa.
- I will blow you.

- Uh, blow me away?
- Huh?

Jenny, you get to be in charge
of who gets it.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm giving you all
something to compete over.

I'm turning the ground floor
into the top floor.

These guys get to see
what it's like to be me,

and you get to be Mansfield,
baby.

It felt weird to kiss you
after saying that.

- I didn't like it.
- Yeah, so weird.

Oh, good morning, sir.
You look very...

(Bell dings) Let me tell
you something, Mr. Moyer.

Someday...

Someday I hope you experience
the joy of having a daughter,

so you can see the smile on her face
when she spots you up in the stands

of every single volleyball game,
school play, and piano recital.

Then I hope you're
fortunate enough to drop dead...

Before she is old enough

to cancel dinner plans at the last minute
with a text that reads, "Sorry. Busy."

Frowny-face, frowny-face,
winking frowny-face.

Dear God, sometimes
I think it's... (Bell dings)

It's easier having a son
than a daughter.

- What?
- What?

(Whistles) Occupied.

I'm sure it's just a phase.

Every father and daughter
has to go through it.

Except most fathers accept this
new reality, which is a mistake.

The key is to hold your ground
until it passes.

That's how you win.

- Can you really win at parenting?
- Have I taught you nothing?

Life is a series of contests. You can
win 'em all. Yesterday, I won at lunch.

- What did you have?
- Nothing.

(Cell phone alert chimes)
Oh, here's another text. What...

Now what the hell kind of bike
is she riding?

The tricycle of a man
who's gonna have a frowny-face.

(Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh, my God.

Brody just texted me.
Do you know who Lisa’s father is?

It's Mansfield.

- What?
- Yeah.

That's crazy.
I paid for lunch.

Well, Harvard, who's gonna pay
for your funeral?

You are messing with
Mansfield’s daughter.

When he figures that out, the only thing
they'll find of you is your beard.

Why would Mansfield’s daughter
go after Harvard?

Mm, probably to get back
at her dad.

Think about it. You're, like,
everything he hates.

That makes total sense.
I'm the bad boy.

The forbidden fruit. The devil's candy.
Black licorice.

Harvard, Mansfield will rip off your
helmet with your head still inside.

That's not really good
for my neck.

Look, you can either be a man
and go tell Lisa it's over,

or you can run and hide
and take the coward's way.

I know what I need to do.

Coward's way. Coward's way!

Whoo!

Hey.

You're not mad that I encouraged
you to do the Riker, are you?

What? No. I would have done
the same to you.

- Okay.
- Besides, it totally worked.

- Congratulations. You got the office.
- Shut up.

I'm serious, man. Mansfield
wants to see you right away.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry
it wasn't you, man.

- But you're smiling.
- Am I? Am I smiling? Okay, I'll stop.

Have I stopped? I can't stop.
Oh, my God.

- Sir, you wanted to see me?
- No.

I wanna see the two gentlemen
seated behind you,

who just flew here from Berlin
for an intensely private meeting

which you're now interrupting.

So I should...

(Whistles) Mm!

How'd it go?

I just want to let you know that Threepeat
tried to screw me out of the office, too.

So... a-point a-Brody.

Oh, my God. Is talking like that why
you went to prom with your cousin?

A-point a-Jenny.

(Clears throat)

- I'm just saying everybody's competitive.
- Not down here, we're not.

Oh, yeah? Okay, what happened
with the parking pass?

I gave it to Derrick, 'cause he drops
his nephew off at school.

Yeah, and I gave it to Tori.
She's too hot to take the bus, man.

And I gave it back to Jenny,

because she always wakes me up
when it's time to go home.

Huh.

I guess you guys really are
better people than us upstairs.

I guess a-so.

All right, he's gone.
Give me my damn pass.

I think you mean my pass.

You know what?
I'm just gonna take it.

- (Gritted teeth) Back off, bitch.
- Okay, guys? Guys?

No one gets the pass, okay?
I'm in charge. I get the pass.

Yes, Jenny gets the pass as the prize
for being the best person.

I guess you're... you're pretty
pleased with yourself.

Am I smiling?
I'm smiling, aren't I?

Okay. Okay, you're right.

We're... we're exactly the same
as you guys upstairs.

- That's all I'm saying.
- I-I don't know. I just thought that...

You and I would bring out the best
qualities in each other, you know.

- Not the worst.
- I'm not trying to make you worse.

It's just in my nature
to be competitive.

Yeah, but you don't
have to be.

You know what's sexier than
a guy with a private office?

A guy with a private office that
knows all the parts of "Wicked"?

- A-actually, yeah.
- Yeah. (Chuckles)

But what's even sexier
than that

is a guy that puts
the people that he cares about

above everything else,
no matter what.

Okay. Well... I'm not that guy.

- Uh, I think you are.
- Uh, I'm really not.

- Uh, you really are.
- Uh, I'm telling you, I'm really n...

You are.

Uh...

I might be.

(Rings bell)

Join me, won't you?

It's 34 stories.

On the elevator,
it'd take about 90 seconds

to get back down
to the ground floor.

(Lowered voice)
I bet you could beat that.

Nothing happened, I swear.
It was second base. We held hands.

If I thought something
actually happened,

your beard would be washing up
at Alcatraz.

Okay. Well, good talk. I gotta go.
(Claps hands)

You'll go when I damn well say
you can go.

Okay. I'll just stay here.

I need some intel
on my daughter,

and you're the only one
she seems to be talking to

as she's going through
this phase.

Well, maybe it's not a phase.

Maybe she just happens to
be into bad boys... (Chuckles)

Such as myself.

(Spits)

This iced tea has gone bad.

That's 40-year-old scotch.

Well, I'd get something newer
'cause that's disgusting.

I will win this battle
with my daughter.

Well, maybe.
But if you're like me...

And you seem to be
exactly like me...

You don't want to miss a week
with Lisa.

I see. So you're saying the price
of victory might just be too high.

No. No, I'm saying, hang out with her,
see what you have in common.

If you want, I could tell you
what she likes.

- I know what Lisa likes.
- You mean "Lyssa."

- Lisa.
- Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa.
- Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Lisa.
- Lyssa.

- Lisa.
- Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa. Lisa!
- Lyssa. Lyssa. Lyssa!

- Lisa.
- Ly-ssa.

- Ly-ssaa.
- There it is.

So I think you should
give the office to Threepeat.

He brought in the Moran account.
He deserves it.

- Oh, the magnanimous play.
- No, there's no play, sir.

I just like to think I'm the kind of guy
who supports his friends no matter what.

You know, I'm trying to be
a better person.

This is the girl's influence
on you, isn't it?

- This is Jenny. Am I right?
- Yeah, she may have mentioned something.

Well, she's making you
a better person.

She's making you put other people's
feelings in front of yours.

- Yeah, she is.
- It's bullshit.

This is your job.

This is not some puppet show
at the children's library.

When you leave this building, I don't
care if you're Patch frickin' Adams.

When you're here,
you go for the jugular.

This is your job,
and that office was yours.

- It was?
- And now it's not.

Ah, Mr. Wen.

Congratulations.
The office is yours.

Yeah, it is!

I can't reward that.

I'm not gonna give the office
to anyone.

Check that...

I'm gonna give it to the potted plant.
(Elevator bell dings)

It's the only thing around here
that doesn't piss me off.

- You ready, dad?
- I sure am, sweetheart.

Let's go ride
adult tricycles.

(Lowered voice) Not a word.

I'm really proud of you.

You showed a lot of integrity.
Very sexy.

I'd trade it all
for that office.

I know.
Oh, it's starting.

Carl MacNeil will be missed.

An avid fisherman, a golfer,

and proud owner of the state's largest
collection of ships in bottles.

I probably don't need to mention
he was white.

Carl is in a better place now...

Goldman Sachs.

This is for you, Carl.

(Kisses)

- This is the best part.
- Why?

♪ Amazing grace

Oh, 'cause you're singing, you think
I'm... This is ridiculous

(both) ♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved a wretch like me

(off-key) ♪ Ohh...!

(all) ♪ I once was lost,

♪ But now am found

♪ Ooh...

♪ Was blind, but now I see

(high-pitched sobbing)

(Gasps)

Let's eat. (Chuckles)