Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Beverly Hillbillies - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Hello, dear.
Hi. Hi.

Dinner is ready.
Oh, we're starved.

Uh, what're you
standing there for?

I didn't get my kiss yet.

You're not entitled
to a kiss.

I don't know why not? I worked
just as hard as you did.

Sit down.

Boy, I sure am hungry.
Aren't you, Mr. Douglas?

Well, it depends.
What've we got?

Spaghetti.



Spaghetti!

Mamma Mia!

[Mutters]

I heard that
on a frank Sinatra special.

What's that?

Spaghetti.

That's not the way
you serve spaghetti.

Oh, you want it in a bowl?

No. I--i want it cooked!

Nobody eats spaghetti
this way.

[Crunching]

Mamma Mia! This sure is--

how can you eat it that way?
It's supposed to be soft.

It melts in your stomach
instead of your mouth!

Lisa, this is not the way
you serve spaghetti.

Boil some water.

Oh.

Did you eat all that?

Yes, sir.
I like Mrs. Douglas' cooking.

Well, here, have mine!

Thanks!

Holy mozzarella,
this is good!

For the love of--

while you're waiting
for the water to boil,

would you like to eat
your dessert?

Yes, it might...

What's that?

A 7-layers cake.

7!

Yes. I took 7 hotcakes
and I put them
on top of each other,

and I shoved
some chocolate syrups
in between.

Yuck!

What was that?

He said, "yuck!"

Mind your own--
do you want to try it?

Feed it to the boy fink!

Thanks!

I wouldn't eat
the whipped cream
if I were you.

Why not?
It's shaving cream.

Why did you use--

uh, to hold up
the cherry!

Oh, fine!

Oh, I wouldn't eat
the cherry either.
It's made out of wax.

Why did you bother--

to make it look beautiful
like it does in the magazine!

What magazine?
Popular heartburn?

Oliver!

Lisa, see if the water
is boiling.

I can't wait.

The hypas are having a meeting
to pick out the play
we're going to put on,

to raise money for
a clubhouse.

What are the hypos?

Hypas!

Hooterville young people's
agricultural society.

Where do you meet now?

On nice nights,
in Simpson's swamp.

But on rainy nights
we have to crawl under
Mr. Drucker's front porch.

We get a bigger crowd
on rainy nights.

I got to leave.

Bye.

I was hoping some kind man
would lend me his car.

Well, start walking,
maybe you'll meet one
on the way.

There ain't none here
in the kitchen, huh?

No.

Darling, why don't you
let eb has the car?

I need it myse--

what is that?

(Lisa)
Spaghetti.

What?

What should I do
with the boiling water?

Lisa,

you're supposed to cook
the spaghetti
in the boling water.

Well, you didn't
tell me that!

You said to boil some water
and cook the spaghetti.

So I boiled some water
in a pots

and I cooked some spaghetti
in the other pots.

Well, let's go over
to the pixley diner

and get ourselves
a hamburger.

It doesn't pay to make
any fancy cooking around here.

All you like is
those hotcakes!

And when you finish
the corn field, I want you
to take all the tomato--

am I boring you?

No more than usual.

Stop yawning.

I can't help it.

I'm tired from that long walk
I had into hooterville
last night,

and the long walk
I had back.

Exercise is good
for a growing...
Whatever you are.

Yeah, but I got to save
my strength for acting.

I'm gonna be
in the show.

Ooh! That'll shake up
Richard Burton.

Can I borrow
the car tonight?

No!

Dean Martin doesn't have
to walk to rehearsal.

Eb, what show are
you going to do?

The community players
narrowed it down to 3.

Romeo and Juliet,

death of a salesman
and ah, wilderness!

Which one
did you pick?

The Beverly hillbillies.

The Beverly--

uh, you know,
that's that show

where this old man
struck oil in the hills,

and he packed up his kit
and he's moved his whole
caboodle to Beverly Hills,

which really isn't a hill,
but it's near to California.

And when they got there,
that's when he--

I know what it's about.
I've seen it.

Everyone seems to enjoy it.

So we wrote to Hollywood
and asked them to send us
a half a dozen scripts,

and we'd pick a funny one.

Oh, that ought
to make 'em happy.

Get to work now,
we're going in to drucker's.

Anything you need
from drucker's?

No, I'll stop in there tonight
when I drive to rehearsal.

In what?

You never let your guard down,
do you?

To the corn field!

(Oliver)
Drucker.

I'll be right with you.

Oh, howdy.

Hi.

Hello there, Mr. Drucker.

I was just printing up
the tickets

for the show the, uh,
hooterville players are doing
for the benefit of the hypas.

Yeah, eb told us
about it.

That's a nice bunch of kids.
They should have
their own clubhouse.

Keep 'em out from
under my front porch
on rainy nights.

Eb told me you were
going to do
the Beverly hillbillies.

Yeah, we decided not to do
anything legitimate this year.

Oh, I like that show.

Especially the man
who plays the father.

Buddy Epstein.

Uh, ebsen.

Say, would you folks
like to join
the little theatre group?

Oh, no.
I'm not an actor.

How about you,
Mrs. Douglas?

I'd like to.

But when I married
Mr. Douglas,

I promised to give up
my acting career.

What acting career?

I thought
you knew about that.

No I didn't.

Well, then why did you
make me give it up for?

I never--

I was the star of the royal
Hungarian theater.

I once gave
a command performance
for the king.

Uh, you see, the theater was
right next door to the palace.

That's why they called it
the palace theater.

But the king got
very angry at me

because I used to keep him
awake with my singing.

Especially in the 3rd act,

where I would hit
those high notes and break
all the mirrors in the palace.

When I wasn't singing,

we used to do
those very dramatic plays,

like the cherry orchard,

doll's house,

war and peace,

[speaking Hungarian]

W-What was that last one?

Budapest hillbillies.

The Budapest hillbillies?

Oh, you know,

it's the story
about that Hungarian peasant
who struck goulash

and moved his family
to the Swiss alps.

Oh, then you saw it?

Lisa, just give Mr. Drucker
your grocery list.

Oh, all right.

Well, we need some
dusting powder, nail Polish,
mascara,

cold cream, Bobby pins,
and napkins.

Uh, how about
something to eat?

Oh, yes, and a can
of shaving cream.

Shaving cream?

She uses it to decorate
the top of her 7-layer cake.

And while I think of it,
I need a pound
of wax cherries.

W-Well, uh, y-you--

oh, and about the spaghetti
you sold me last week,
I have a complaint.

What was wrong with it?

What do you want me
to do with this?

Just send it back
to the manufacturer.
Let him worry about it.

[Snoring]

Eb. Eb! Wake up!

[Snoring]

I'm awake.

You know it's...

Who's that snoring?

Oh, that's Eloise.

I think she's got
a sinus condition.

I don't care what she's got,
I want you dressed
and down here in 10 minutes!

This is the 5th morning
you've overslept and I 'm
getting a little fed up.

If I can wake up on time,
so can you.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

You were sorry yesterday, too.
Being sorry doesn't
get the work done.

Ever since you
got into that play--

but, Mr. Douglas--

look, will you
keep out of this?
Now, eb, I'm warn--

where did you
come from?

Appleville.

It's a small town
about 300 miles from here.
After that we moved to, uh--

how did you
get down here?

Oh, I slid down the rain pipe.

Well, slide down a half hour
earlier tomorrow
or you're fired!

I wouldn't oversleep
if I didn't get home
from rehearsals so late.

If I had a car--
well, buy one.

Maybe I will.

Pixley motors
is having a sale.

Will you lend me $7,000?

$7,000?

Yeah, I can get
a great buy on a Pierce-arrow.

Well, get something else.

I know where I can buy
a good used motor scooter
for $30.

Get it!
Will you lend me the $30?

Eb, look--

you can keep Eloise
for security.

I don't need any security!

Here's your money.

$30! Boy!

This is the first time
I've ever had a whole year's
salary in my hand!

We sure are lucky
to have a dad like him.

[Snoring]

Eloise!

How can you sleep
at a time like this?

Wake up. Wake up!

Lisa?

In the kitchen!

I suppose you can
explain this.

Oh, oh, yes.

I struck out
with the spaghetti,

so I thought
I make a pizza.

What've you got
against the Italians?

What do you want me
to do with this?

Throw it away.

I didn't mean to--

oh, oh, oh.

[Scooter droning]

What's that?

Oh. That's probably eb.

I gave him some money
to buy a scooter.

Eb, be careful!

The brake won't work!

Turn it off!

The switch won't work,
either!

Hey, watch where you're going!

(Eb)
Out of the way!

Eb! Eb!

Lisa, did eb
come through here?

Yes. That's a very nice
machine he bought.

Oh, for the love...

Eb! Eb, will you
get off of that--

will you shut that door?

You're letting
all the flies in.

Eb, are you all right?

This never would've happened
if you'd lent me the $7,000
for the Pierce-arrow!

[Groans]

What's the matter?

My ankle!

I think it's sprained!

Was he unconscious
at any time?

With him
it's hard to tell.

Oliver!

Uh, doctor,
is it serious?

Tell me the truth, doc.
I can take it.

It's the not knowing
that gets you.

Give it to me straight!

Uh, oh, e-eb, it's--

just a second, doc.

Hold my hand, dad.
It'll make it easier.

Eb, it's a simple sprain.

Will I be able
to take part
in the play?

Yes. You'll be up
in a couple of days.

Good, because I don't
have an understudy.

You know the old saying:

"The show must go on!"

The curtain goes up.
A real trouper comes onstage,

even if he has to crawl.

And no matter
how much pain he's in--

I'm going to write
a prescription
for a tranquilizer.

He could use one.

It's not for him.
It's for you.

All right.
Make it strong.

Keep him
off that ankle.

Thanks, doc.
Uh, I'll see you out.

Gosh, Mrs. Douglas.

It sure is nice of you
to let me stay here.

Oh, that's all right, eb.

You can't climb up the ladder
with that ankle.

Where are you and Mr. Douglas
going to sleep?

Now don't you worry
about this.

And if you need anything,
just tinkle the bell.

Yes, ma'am.
There.

Uh, how's the patient?

Oh, he's doing fine.
I'm just going
to make him some tea.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, here, lie down.

Now, the doctor says
if you take it easy
you'll be all right.

Anything you need?
No, sir.

If I do, Mrs. Douglas said
to tinkle this little bell.

[Tinkling]

Oh, good.
All right. Now you just rest.

Ok.
I'll see you later.

[Bell tinkling]

Yes?

Would you turn on
the t.V. For me?

Oh, sure.

There you are.
Thank you.

[T.v. Playing]

[Bell tinkling]

Now, what?

Would you mind
changing the channel?

How's that?
Fine.

Anything else?
No, sir.

[Bell tinkling]

What now?

I saw this picture.
You might as well turn it off.

Anything else?

Want a drink of water?

Your pillow fluffed?

Your blanket to suck on?

No, sir.
I'm comfortable.

[Bell tinkling]

Just testing.

Now, if you want
anything else,

write a note,
put it in a bottle,

and float it
into the kitchen!

[Tinkling]

Have you got another bell?

No, sir.

Then who rang?

Oh, I guess you didn't
know that about me.

I do wonderful
bell imitations.

Bell?

[Tinkling]

Will you go to sleep?

[Tires screeching]

How can I sleep with
all that racket outside?

Oh, that's only
haney's truck.

Stop that racket.
We've got a sick boy in here.

I know that, Mr. Douglas.
And that's why I'm here.

On an errand of mercy.

Now, these are
for the sickee.

The sickee?

Yeah. That's the fellow
that's sick.

I thought you understood
that legal talk.

I'll give them to the sickee.
Thank you.

My pleasure.
That'll be $3.

$3!

Well, if it wasn't
an errand of mercy,
it'd be $6.

No, thank you!

You care to have me,
uh, drop in

and check eb's
3-way hospital bed

to make sure
it's working all right?

We don't have a hospital bed.

You don't have
a hospital bed?

No!

Well, how fortunate for you
that I dropped by.

Now, look, i--

now, the first thing
that you'll need

is this sign.

Why do I need
that sign?

Makes your patient think
he's in a hospital!

Gives him a secure feeling.

That's not gonna make him
think he's in a hospital!

No, but this will.

Our sterilized
long-playing tape,

recorded live
on the 5th floor
of the Mayo clinic.

(Woman on tape)
Doctor blanning,

wanted in surgery.

[Bell dinging]

Doctor blanning,

wanted in surgery.

That tape is guaranteed
to give your home
a real sick feeling.

That I won't
quarrel with.

Look, now all you need
to complete the picture

is miss mumford.

Who?

Our registered
rentable nurse.

How do you do?

Uh, Mr. Haney,

is it possible
for a layman to rent
a psychiatrist's couch?

Certainly.

Uh-huh.

Well, I suggest
you rent one,

and lie down on it
and give yourself
a thorough going over.

Good day!

Sorry, tillie.

"Hello, Elly may."

"Howdy, Jethro, you all."

"Do you know where granny
is at, Elly may?"

"She all went down
to the root cellar to get
a parcel of turned-up green!"

I believe that's
turnip Greens.
Oh.

What's going on here?

Mrs. Douglas is helping
me rehearse my lines.

She's doing Elle Mae.

I sure am, honey Chile,
you all.

She's not
doing her any good.

What're you doing
out of bed?

Well, the doc said my ankle
would be all right in 2 days.

It's fine.

Besides, there's
a dress rehearsal tonight.

Let's go on.
Where were we?

I was asking you all about
the turned up Greens.

Oh, yeah.

"What is granny going to make
for supper tonight?"

"Breast of pollywog
with possum sauce

and crawdad turnovers."

"Goody!"

"Why don't you set
yourself down on your you all,

"and I will go out to the
cement pond,

and catch us a barracuda."

W-W-Wait, wait.
Hold it. Hold it.

Is that in the script
they sent you?

No, sir. I made a few changes
to punch it up.

Eb.

Well, it needed a few yocks.

You--you got to be--
you can't do that.
You'll get into trouble!

Well, the fellow
that wrote it,
uh, Paul henning,

said we could do anything
we want to it

as long as he doesn't
hear about it.

He's bound to! You can't keep
stuff like that a secret.

[Knocking on door]

(Hank)
Mr. Douglas!

Oh, that's Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas!

Oh, Mr. Douglas!

Oh, Mr. Kimball,
what's the matter?

How can you ask that
at a time like this?

Well, i--
is eb here?

I got to talk to him.
It's an emergency!

Yes, he is. Come on inside.

Oh, hello there,
Mr. Kimball.

Hi.

Well?
There he is.

There who is?
Eb!

Oh, hi, eb.
Hi.

Well, it's been nice
seeing everybody.

Wait a second!

Why did you come
banging on that door here,

yelling there's an emergency,
you gotta see eb?

About what?

I'm sure I don't know!

Well, I do, or I wouldn't
have come banging
on your door

saying it was an emergency,
I got to see eb.

What is the emergency?

Well, I'm glad somebody's
interested enough to ask.

Eb, we've lost our granny.

We have?

Oh, I'm so sorry
to hear that.

Oh, it's not our granny.

Eb and I aren't related.
At least I don't think we are.

No, we're not!

But, uh, we appreciate
your sympathy.

What granny are
you talking about?

Oh, the one
in the hillbillies.

You see, the, uh, woman
who was going
to play the part,

well, she's no woman,
it was Doris ziffel.

Well, whatever she is,
she, uh, can't make it, 'cause
she came down with a cold.

She didn't come down with it,
she came up with it!

You see, she was down
in a coal cellar and--

holy smoke!

Without granny,
how are we gonna
be able to do the play?

Well, we'll just have
to find another one.

Hey, how about you,
Mr. Douglas?

Me?

That's a woman's part,
you...

Boy!

I guess everybody
would notice that.

Hey, how about
Mrs. Douglas?

Great!

She used to be a star
on the Hungarian stage!

Oh, she'd be perfect
for granny.

She's the right size.

Uh, she won't need
too much make up.

Oliver!

Would you, Mrs. Douglas?
You know all the lines!

Well, if my public
calls me,

I got to answer.

Yippee!

[Groans]

Eb, are you all right?

Hey, hey, hey.

My ankle,
I've sprained it again!

Oh.
Oh, no!

That's fine.
Now, we have a granny,
but we don't have a Jethro.

Oh, yes, we do.

Who?

Howdy there, you all.

Oh, just a minute--

just think. You and me
appearing together.

The lint and fontane
of hootersville.

Lunt and fontane.

Well, whoever you are,

will you do it for the hypas,
so we won't have to meet
in the swamp anymore?

All right!

If you're all set, we'll start
this dress rehearsal.

Ok, haney?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the hooterville
community players
are proud to present

their version
of that famous t.V. Show,

the Beverly hillbillies.

Curtain.

Granny!

Where are you at-all?

Is that all-at?

Well, whatever it is,

where is you?

Here I is, jed.

What are you hootin'
and hollerin'' about?

I'm hungry.

What are you fixin'
for vittles?

I thought
I'd whip us up

a mess of corn pone
stuffed with newt eggs.

Ooh, doggit!

That sure is a good mess!

Where is Jethro at?

I need some wood.

I'll fetch him.

Jethro!

Jethro!

Here I is, uncle jed.

And guess what I found
down by the cement pond?

What is it, boy?

Danged if'n I know.

Well, put your
"danged if'n I know" down

and get me some stove wood.

Yes, ma'am, I will.

Where's Elly may at?

Uh, last time I saw her,

she was, uh,
playing with her critters

oh, that child
is always playin'.

Hey, where's the stove at?

[Crashing]

Oliver, darling, darling,
are you all right?

[Groaning]

Pull the curtain.

But the play
isn't over yet.

It is for me!

I broke my big toe.

Oh!

Lisa! Lisa!

Jethro, would you mind
being quiet?

I wanna take a nap.

Oh, that's too bad.

You and that stupid play.

Now I'm laid
up here for...

Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa!

Boy, next time,
I'm gonna get me
a private room.

These wards
are too darn noisy.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.