Green Acres (1965–1971): Season 2, Episode 24 - Lisa's Vegetable Garden - full transcript

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out,
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪



♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Excuse me, henrietta.
Excuse me.

Come, come.
Go, little one.

[Chatters]

What's the matter
with you chickens?

All of your eggs are
coming out with names on.

Eb!

Oliver.

Lisa, is eb
back there?

No, he isn't.

Do you know
where he is?



Yes, I do.

I wanted to ask if--

Lisa!

Oliver?

Where are you now?

(Lisa)
In the kitchen.

I wanted to ask you
where eb...

Lisa!

Oliver?

Lisa, do you know where...

Lisa, where the...

Where are you?

(Lisa)
In the bedroom.

Don't move.
I'll be right there.

Honey, I...

What are you
looking for?

Where do you
keep the booze?

The booze?

Well, you know,
the bottle you keep
for municipal porpoises.

Municipal porpoises?

You know,
when you get sick.

Medicinal purposes.

Yes, where is it?

What's the matter,
don't you feel well?

I don't think so.

Oh. What is it,
honey?

Well, I keep seeing
names on eggs.

What kind of names?

Like the ones you see on

the beginning
of television shows,
but on eggs.

If you find the bottle
I'll have a belt with you.

Is eb around?

No, he had to leave.
But he left a message for you.

He told me to tell you
that I sent him to drucker's
to pick up something.

You sent him
to drucker's?

Well, that's what
the message said.

Oh, but I need him.

He'll be right back.

Unless he can't find them
at drucker's,

then he has
to go to pixley.

Uh, for what?

For what he couldn't
find at drucker's.

Look for the bottle.

I had to send him
to buy some vegetables.

Lisa, that's ridiculous.

Buying vegetables.

How else can you
get them?

You grow them.

Where?

Well, right here.
What do you think
this place is?

Oh, you're finally
going to tell me.

Lisa, why do you think
I bought this farm?

Oh, you're finally
going to tell me
that, too.

Lisa, I bought--
oh, i--i remember.

You bought the farm
to get away from
the rat's race

and to plant
the little seeds
in the rich brown earth

and watch them
shoosting up
towards the sky,

with their little
green shoosters

and reaching up--

Lisa, Lisa, when you have
a farm, you live off the land.

You don't buy
the vegetables,
you grow them.

Well, why don't you?

Oh. I haven't got time.

And besides, on a farm,
it's the wife's place
to grow the vegetables.

Everyday you make up
a new rule.

Yesterday,
you wouldn't let me
play in the sandbox.

Oh, come on.

A day before,
no dancing on the table.

Do you want to discuss
this intelligently?

If you think you can.

I'll try.

I don't want you
to hurt yourself.

You know, it might not be
a bad idea for you
to have a vegetable garden.

Would that make you happy?

Yes, it would.

That's it.

Always thinking
of yourself.

Look, if you don't
wanna have it--

who said I didn't?

You mean you do?

Who said that?

Oh, for--

I'll do it.

Good girl.

It's kisses like that,
that are keeping me
that way.

(Oliver)
All right. Give it some gas.

You want me to stick
its head in the oven?

Come on! Step on it.

[Engine sputtering]

Hey.

These fell out.

What difference
does it make?

It's running
better than ever.

How can it run
without these?

Maybe that's been
its trouble all along.

Too many parts.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
It can't run without
its parts.

You shouldn't
have said that.

It was perfectly content

till you planted all those
superstitious ideas
in its head.

Oh, for the...

Now what are we gonna do?

We have 40 acres
to plow this week.

Beginnin' to feel the pressure
from the competition, huh?

What competition?

Mrs. Douglas told me
she's gonna grow vegetables.

She's gonna try.
But believe me,
nothing'll grow.

I hope not.

It wouldn't look good
to have her spoil your
perfect record, huh?

Eb, will you see
if you can find out
where some of these go?

Hey.

This one came out
of my roller skates.

Eb, I got enough problems.

I've got one myself.

When Mrs. Douglas
starts farmin'
and she wants me to help her,

and you want me
to help you,

who do I help?

Me.

It's not gonna
be that easy.

I'm community property.

Eb, will you stop worrying?

I doubt if she'll
ever get started.

So you're gonna raise
your own vegetables?

That's right.

Oliver and I were
talking it over.

Well,

I must say
I'm surprised.

Well, I don't
have to say it.

I mean, there's nothing
in the department
that makes it mandatory.

Of course,
there is a rule that says
a county agent should...

That doesn't apply
in your case.

Well, is there
any other information
I can give you?

You haven't
given me any yet.

I-I'd like to know
how to grow vegetables.

For what purpose?

Eating.

Well, let's see
if we have a bulletin on

how to grow vegetables
for eating purposes.

Well, that would be under "g"
for growing,

"v" for vegetables,
"e" for eating.

We don't seem to have
anything in those categories.

Oh. We got a good supply
of bulletins

on how to cure
cucumbers of clodworms.

What are clodworms?

Oh.

Those are nasty little...

Well,
they're not nasty
to each other.

Just to cucumbers.

Well, we don't
like cucumbers.

What other vegetables
are there?

Oh, I have a list here
as long as my arm.

No, I guess it's shorter.

Can I have that?

Oh, no, I need it to hold
my wristwatch on.

Oh, you mean
the list.

Yes, here you are.

That has every known
variety of vegetables
on it.

You just pick out
the ones you want
and plant 'em.

Oh, what do I do
with the vegetables
I don't like?

Oh, we have
a pamphlet on that.

Yes, sir, one thing
we have around here

is pamphlets.

[Crashing]

Well, here we are.

"What to do
with vegetables
you don't like."

Of course,
this isn't an
official publication.

I mean, it's one
the chief tried

to get published
through the department.

Boy, those were
sure exciting days,

with all those
insulting letters flying

between the chief
and Washington.

And I must say this
for the chief,

he's got a thick skin.

He wouldn't resign
no matter what
they called him.

Do I need any other one
besides this one?

Oh, yes.

Yes, there are
some more here, I think.

Oh, yes,
you'll need this,
and this, and this.

No, I don't think
you'll need that.

It's a list of feed stores
off-limits to county agents.

You'll surely
need this.

Oliver, I could
use some help.

Already?

Not with the farming,
with the figuring.

It says here
in this famphlet...

Flamplet.

Flamplits.

No, this is a bulletin.

What do you wanna figure?

Well, it says here
that three fourths
of an acre of land

grows enough vegetables
for a family of 5.

Now, we are only
a family of 3.

Now the question is,

do we get
2 more people

or do we do the
hard arithmetics?

There's nothing
hard about it.

If three fourths of an acre
will feed 5 people,

what fraction of an acre
will feed 3 people?

Wouldn't it be just as easy
to get 2 other people?

Lisa, any school child
can figure that out
in his head.

Well, I didn't go
to a head school.

The school I went to,
all they taught me
was to count

how many karats there are
in a diamond.

The way you do that,
you find a jeweler--

uh, the answer is
nine twentieths of an acre.

Do you mind
if I have that checked
by an accountant?

Lisa, why don't
you make it easy?

Let's say, one acre
will feed 5 people.

Therefore,
3 people require
three fifths of an acre.

Do we have
one of those?

We'll find one.
What's your next step?

Well, you have
to find out

what vegetables
your family likes the most.

What do you like?

I like you.

Well, you can't plant that.

Do you like radishes?

Sure.

How many
do you eat a year?

I don't know.

Well, would you say
you eat 2 a day?

Yeah, that seems like
a fair radish average.

(Lisa)
2 radishes day.

Now, let me see,
2 times 3 is 6,

2 times 100 is 200,

2 times 65...

Uh, 2 times 6 is 12,

which calls for
a one shove over,

which makes the 5, 15.

Now, 2 times 15 is 30.

Now we lump them
all together,

which gives us
the answer: 730.

That's right.

What made you think
it wouldn't be?

Lisa, if you want to plant
a few radishes, fine.

But why don't you take
an acre and divide it up,

and plant some beans,
and peas, and lettuce.

Beets, and corn, tomatoes.

What about spaghetti?

Yeah, well...

Spaghetti isn't a vegetable.

What is it?

It's made out of flour.

Well, what is
flour made out of?

Wheat.

Good, then I'll plant
some spaghetti wheat.

Yes, you plant a few rows
of spaghetti wheat.

And, uh, look,
while you're about it,

why don't you plant
a couple rows of meat sauce?

And, uh, maybe some
parmesan cheese vines.

Good.

Now, which
land is mine?

Well, come on with me.

We'll walk around
and I'll find you an acre.

Good morning,
neighbors.

Good m...

What are you
dressed up for?

This is my
vegetable plowing ensemble.

And what have you
got in here, wine?

No, perfume.

It's going to be
a long hot day
in the sun.

I'll be over later,
to get squirted.

I have to go
to work.
Work?

Aren't you gonna
get me some breakfast?

I am too busy farming
to do any cooking.

I knew something good
would come out of this.

I'll see you
in Burbank, Luther.

Uh, where do you
think you're going?

I have to do
my plowing.

How do you start
this thing?

Lisa, I need
the tractor.

Well, so do I.
Where are the keys?

Lisa,
you can't have it.

Well, for a neighbor,
you're not very friendly.

I noticed that, too.

You keep
out of this.

Boy, imagine how
you'd treat me
if I were a wetback.

Now come on, Lisa,
get off.

I don't see why
I can't borrow it.

Off. Thank you.

I suppose you think
you're a big man
sitting up there.

Stand aside.

Contact.

Contact.

[Engine exploding]

[Moans]

I am glad
I didn't borrow
that mess.

You no-good--

that'll teach you not
to meanmouth a hoyt clagwell.

[Barking]

[Barking]

Oh, howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Uh, Arnold, shut up.

How did--

oh, he's been watching
Lassie on t.V.

And he keeps immitatin' her.

But that's impossib--

Arnold, in the house.

[Whimpers]

Ain't that the corniest thing
you ever heard?

Uh...

What can I do for you,
Mr. Douglas?

Oh, well,
I got a problem.

My tractor blew up.

And I was wonderin'
if I could borrow yours,
or rent it?

Oh, well, I couldn't
rent it to you.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

I couldn't lend it
to you either.

I got some plowin'.

But you can have it
as soon as I finish.

When will that be?

In about 2 weeks.

Well, I can't
wait 2 weeks.

Well, I am sorry.

Say, how about newt Kiley?

Can't get it
to run at all, huh?

Oh, it's a
complete wreck.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yes, and Mr. Ziffel
thought that you might
lend me yours.

Well, if I had known
you needed it, I never
would have sold it.

Oh, you sold it.

Yeah, 3 years ago.

3 years ago?

Yeah, needed the money
to buy this here barking pig.

A barking pig?

Well, he did
do imitations,

but that is, he did 'em
for the feller
that sold him to me.

But when I got him home
he didn't do nothin'
but eat and grunt.

Well, uh--

he made me so mad

I finally gave him
to Fred ziffel.

Oh, yeah,
I just heard him bark.

Yeah, Fred likes to do
imitations of Lassie.

No, no,
I meant I just heard--

sorry about the tractor.

Oh, that's all--

[meowing]

Was that one of the...

One of the what?

Uh, forget it. Bye.

Couldn't find one, huh?

No, I've been
all over the valley.

Everybody who has
a tractor, needs it.

Well,

I guess that's
the end of this farm.

Not that it ever
really began.

I am not giving up
just because
I don't have a tractor.

How did farmers plow
before they had machinery?

They used Indians.

They didn't use Indians.
They used horses.

Good, sturdy
plow horses.

[Horse neighing]

Mr. Haney!

Tallyho, Mr. Douglas.

I just happened
to be riding to the hounds,

and thought I'd drop in.

Sure.

You didn't happen
to see a frightened fox

go through here, did you?

No, we didn't.

Well, guess there's no sense
in continuing the chase.

I didn't really expect
to find you home.

I thought
you would be
out plowin'.

With what?

With that
magnificent tractor
that I sold you.

That hunk of junk?
That's nothing but a--

may I be excused?
It looks like this is
gonna get messy.

Mr. Douglas,

I don't see why
you have so much trouble
with that tractor.

I used it for 30 years

and never had
to do nothin' to it,

except have
the horn bulb patched.

The horn works.

Then I don't see
why you're so upset.

I'm upset because
I've got 40 acres to plow
and nothing to pull the plow.

You don't have nothin'
to pull the plow?

You're not going to sell me
that horse, are you?

Sell you this
magnificent animal
to pull a plow?

Did you hear that, Nellie?

[Neighing]

That's what they call
a horse laugh.

All right, how much?

Mr. Douglas,

you are insultin' the steed

that won
the Irish sweepstakes,
in 1961.

She won the Irish--

yes, sir, she had a ticket
on the winnin' horse.

She'd be retired today,

but it turned out
to be a counterfeit.

Oh, you sold her
the ticket, huh?

[Neighs]

He's just joshin', Nellie.

All right, mr haney,
how much do you want
for the horse?

Well, since you're in trouble,
I ain't one to hold you up.

So just name your own price.

As long as it's $300.

$300?

I'll give you $50 for her.

Look, I'm not going
to stand here
haggling with a horse.

I'll give you $100
and that's my final offer.

Ok, it's a deal.

But don't tell Nellie.
She's got delusions
of grandeur.

All right, Nellie,
we just made a deal.

I hope you'll
be happy here.

[Mooing]

Did that horse
just moo?

If she did,
would I sell her to you
for a measly $100?

You all set,
Mr. Douglas?

Yeah, all set.

Giddap!

What's the matter
with her?

I guess she's waiting
for the fox.

We haven't
got a fox.

Giddap!

Try tallyho.

Tallyho?

Mr. Douglas, come back,
you forgot the plow!

I guess he don't need it.

He's doin' all right
with his nose.

Whoa!
Help!

Help!

Somebody get--

[tractor approaching]

Well, who have we got here,

whose polka dot shorts
are showing?

I'm not wearing
polka dot shorts.

These are
black and blue marks.

Get me out-- ow!

Get me out of here.

Sorry, neighbor.
I have to do my plowing.

Lisa, get...
Where did you get...
Ooh, ow.

Where did you get
that tractor?

At the tractor store,
it was on sale.
It only cost $4,000.

$4,000... ooh. Ooh.

$4,000? Take it back.

But I have to do
my plowing.

Take it back!

[Exclaims]

No, don't take it ba... ow!

Look, I need it!

Good evening, sir.

May I take your hat?

Oh, you're not
wearing a hat.

What are
you doing here?

I'm the new houseboy.

Would you like a blast
before supper?

No!

Hey, cook,
the master's home.

Howdy doody, master.

What would you
like for supper?

Who hired you?

Mrs. Douglas.

Where is she?

Was she expecting you, sir?

Now, look here--

madam, the master's home!

Hello there, master.

Now look here,
madam...

Your bath
is running, sir.

Shall we oil you
or bubble you?

Get back in
the kitchen.

Watch it.

Help ain't easy
to get these days.

Out!

What did you
hire them for?

For $150 a week.

I mean, why did you
hire them?

Well, I can't grow vegetables
and take care of the house
at the same time.

Oh, that stupid
vegetable...
$150 a week,

$4,000...

Where did you put
the tractor?

I gave it back,
like you told me to.

Did you get
your money back?

Yes, all except $1,000.

What?

The man said as soon as
you drive it off the lot,

it depreciates
that much.

$1,000?

Well, it was worth it.
I got all my plowing done.

Oh, Lisa, this is
the most ridic--

[knocking on door]

Come in.
I'll get it, sir.

Oh, evenin', Mr. Douglas.

May I take
your hat, sir?

Well, i--i--i guess so.

Would you
like a blast?

That'd be fine.

Alf, will you--

is there going to be
another one for supper,
master?

No.

Uh, Mr. Drucker,
did you want something?

Oh, uh, yeah,
i--i came to tell
Mrs. Douglas

that the stuff
is outside.

Thank you.

Uh, what stuff?

The stuff I need
for my vegetable garden.

Uh, give the bill
to Mr. Douglas.

Allow me.

$980!

We got a discount,
being professionals.

Look, if you think
I'm gonna...

Mr. Dru...

Where did he go?

He'll be back.
I've still got his hat.

This is, without a doubt,
the most--

[clanging]

Dinner is served
in the dining saloon.

I don't want any!

[Water running]

What's that?

Your bath.

If you wait a while
you can take it in here.

I give up!

Lisa, tomorrow morning,
I want you to get eb,

and take all that stuff
that you got from drucker's
back to him.

But I need them
for my vegetable garden.

The hoes, the rakes--

anything you need
for your garden,
we've got here.

I don't want you
to spend another penny.

Oh, but--
not another penny!

And tomorrow I'll go down
to that tractor place

and I'll straighten
that fellow out
about the $1,000.

Now, about the help,

do you wanna fire them,
or should I?

Wait, you wouldn't
fire them on Christmas.

It's not Christmas.

When you proposed
to me,

you said that
every day's going
to be like Christmas.

Oh. So I did.

Oh, merry Christmas,
darling.

You're fired.

[Both bawling]

That is your
vegetable garden?
Yes.

I've been working on it
for the past 6 weeks.

Where are
the vegetables?

Well, you know,
I wouldn't do anything
you didn't want me to.

And when you went
on that economy kick,

and you told me
not to spend
another penny...

Yes?

I didn't buy
the seeds.

You didn't buy
the seeds?

Would it make you
feel better if you hit me?

I don't want
to hit you.

Do you want
to kiss me?

Do I have to?

Well, that'll show
that you're good sport.

[Whistling]

Did that horse just...

Just what?

Oh, forget it.

[Meows]

[Barks]

[Neighs]

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.