Greek (2007–2011): Season 3, Episode 19 - The First Last - full transcript

What are you doing?

You haven't been exclusive?

I'm not the kind of girl who's going
to have an ordinary relationship.

- Love doesn't work!
- Because you're heartless.

- We found out she slept with Beaver.
- That piece of crap?

- Rebecca didn't think so.
- Evan, what the hell?!

[Rusty] Dana gives me something more.
She inspires me.

Cappie and I aren't built to last.

We work here, in college,

and I don't think we'll
work anywhere else.

What abo graduation in May?



We'll worry about that in May.

[man] Noonan! - You're gonna
miss it, Noonan. Miss it.

- Miss it, Noonan.
- Noonan!

- [blinds rattle]
- Oh!

[murmuring]

Hey, guys. Cap, this is Dana.

Well, hello there, Dana.

We'll take three boxes of Samoas,

- four boxes of Thin Mints...
- I'm not a Girl Scout.

- This is my girlfriend.
- Can she get us cookies?

[chuckles] - These are my pledges,
the future of the KT house.

- Really?
- Anthony Hopkins.

They've done a lot of crazy stuff,

like, uh... What
have you guys done?



Were we supposed to do anything?

When Spitter was a pledge,

he stole a top-secret
weather thingie.

The Remington-Herzog Atmospheric
Destabilizer? That was you?

That's how I made
Vesuvius rain beer.

And then we put some farm
animals in Omega Chi,

and we took over the KT house,
locking out the actives.

Uh, that sounds like a lot of work.

OK, you need to step it
up and make your mark,

or else no one will
remember you here.

Why do some of you guys have OXs?
I thought you were KTs?

I like my practice conditions
to be as real as possible.

Tomorrow's the IFC Greek
Gods of Golf Tourney,

where I will smite Evan Chambers.

Golf is just the beginning

of your secret master plan,
right, Cap? - Absolutely.

To lure them into my master trap,
I have master bait.

- Yeah?
- All in good time, Spitter.

That's on a need-to-know basis,

and right now you don't
need to know. - I get it.

You can't talk about your big secret
plan in front of me because I'm a girl?

No. It's 'cause you didn't
bring me any Thin Mints.

So now that he's gone,
what's your big secret plan?

- I wish I knew.
- You guys are good.

God, we only have six
weeks left at CRU

and in the ZBZ house.

I know. We're about to experience
a lot of lasts together,

like a last Spring Break
and a last finals.

Mm-hmm. - Our last 10:
15am on March 10th.

- [chuckles]
- Our last 10:16.

Maybe my last six
weeks with Cappie?

Oh. Right. Sorry.

That's the last of the lasts.

- When did Rebecca get back?
- Oh, last night.

And not to bring up lasts again,

but this very well could
be your last chance

to be there for Rebecca
as her big sis.

Looks like she's pretty upset
that Evan broke up with her.

- [laughing]
- Or maybe she's fine.

Fine? A few days in Jackson Hole

and suddenly everything is fine?

Uh... Hey, Rebecca.

- How are you doing?
- Fine.

Um... if you need to talk,
your big sis is here.

- For you.
- No, thanks.

Wow, OK. I just thought
you'd be upset about Evan,

maybe even show some
real human emotion,

- but, whatever.
- Wow, OK.

Thanks for checking
in with me, big sis.

Have you seen today's paper?

Those administration asshats
canceled Greek Week.

- What? Why?
- [Laura] I'll summarize.

Some crap about budgetary issues,

more crap about moving
funds to next year's rush,

and total crap about no
more Blue Ribbon events.

But Greek Week was our
last chance to take down

the Gamma Psis before we graduate.

- Without it, we finish...
- Number two.

[knock on door]

Oh, hi, Natalie.
Isn't this Katherine's room?

Sure is. I mean, ever since
you burned down our house.

So sorry to hear about the
cancellation of Greek Week, Case.

I'm super bummed for you guys.

I mean, I had no idea when
I started the petition

to redistribute funds to next
year's rush it would actually do it.

I guess now ZBZ will have
to go into rush number two.

Good luck getting the
best girls with that.

Oh, and, uh, tell Ash to
say hi to Pete for me,

- if they're still dating.
- They're actually... They're not.

Oh. Super bummed for Ash, too.

Bye!

Casey, I was just
as surprised as you.

But how can they cancel Greek Week?

The boys get an extra event
with the Greek Gods of Golf,

and, what, the
sororities are just done?

We deserve one last chance
to win Blue Ribbon points.

I mean, isn't there something
that we can do? - I wish there were,

but unfortunately,
events have to be approved,

voted on, and scheduled months in advance.
I mean, it's in our bylaws.

However, if someone
were to point out

that traditionally there was a Goddesses
portion of the Greek Gods competition

we might be able to
have it reinstated.

So we would play... golf?

No, no.

OK, let's say hypothetically
a beauty pageant portion

was taken off the
calendar in the 1960s,

I can only guess due
to women's liberation.

But if someone were to petition
the president of Panhellenic,

we might be able to have
another Blue Ribbon event.

Oh! I'd like to propose

that we reinstate a beauty pageant.

A beauty pageant? Are you crazy?

I think an event to find a Goddess

should be much more geared
toward strength of character

and less about superficial
outward appearances.

- But you just...
- Although,

if we could update it
to modern standards,

I think I might be able to convince
the board to bring it back.

Why would you do this?
Don't you want Gamma Psi to win?

Well, personally I would have preferred
to battle it out during Greek Week.

I think a victory achieved on a
technicality is far less satisfying.

But I'm going to Yale Law,
so moving the frick on.

I was thinking we could go to Myrtle Beach
for Spring Break with the rest of the house.

Or we could do this.

Sebastian went last year and
said he had such a blast.

[sighs] I don't know.
I mean, a gay cruise?

- It's kind of a singles thing.
- Not if we do it together.

But we're gonna have to put
the deposit down soon, so...

[knocking] Hey, uh, Cal?

There's a Jehovah's
Witness here to see you.

Uh, I'm a Baptist, thank you.

It's like mistaking a
Methodist for a Lutheran.

Hey, guys. - Let me
know what you decide.

[sighs] What's up, Dale?

I got a favor to ask.

There's this young man
in my church group, Adam,

who has some difficult questions
that I'm afraid I'm not...

...qualified to answer.

He thinks he might be like you.

- Catholic?
- Gay.

And, after three months
of talking to the pastor,

he's still not giving in.

Oh, I see. So you want me to talk
him out of making this choice?

It's not a choice, Calvin.
For a gay guy, you're awfully ignorant.

No, he just, you know,
he's never met a gay person before.

Well, that he knows of.

He just wants to
talk to a gay person,

and there's nobody like
that at our church...

...that we know of.

Well, of course, Dale.
I'd be happy to help you.

Thank you.

Ah, I've never been
on a cruise before.

These guys look like they're
having fun... on each other.

[exhales]

So Cappie and I were talking
about his big revenge plans

against the Omega Chi, but...

You know, I forgot
some of the details.

What was the first part? - Forget it.
He hasn't told me anything.

Ooh, grab that table.

Case, listen, I know you're
mad at me for punching Rusty,

and I just wanted to say
that I am sorry, OK?

I was in a really bad place
over Rebecca cheating on me

and unfortunately your
brother took the brunt of it.

Wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm sorry.

OK, I appreciate that,

but you should tell Rusty.
He's right over there.

OK.

Rusty.

I just wanted to say
sorry for hitting you.

I don't accept your apology,
because three of my friends

had to leave CRU because of you.

Hey, you're the one
that threw it in my face

about Beaver sleeping
with my girlfriend.

I can't believe you
guys put him up to that

just to get revenge for
those stupid expulsions.

- Is that what you think?
- You crossed a line.

It seems to really bother you.

Too bad your humiliation
will continue

when Cappie kicks your ass at
golf tomorrow. - That's not likely

'cause Cappie picked up a wicked
slice when we played last semester.

Last semester?
You mean freshman year, right?

No, I mean last semester,
wh Cappie and I buried the hatchet.

- [gasps] You really didn't know.
- No, that is impossible.

Cappie's my friend.
He would've told me.

Well, sounds to me
like maybe you two

aren't such good friends after all.

- So, everything's good?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we're all good.
We're all friends here.

Guess who?

What are you doing?

Come on. - I don't
like guessing games

or public displays of affection.
I'm a very private person.

But I need a little
PDA from my GF NNT.

That's "now 'n' then.
" I made that one up.

Dale, let's not label what we have,

or initial it, or speak about
it out loud with other people.

[whispers] I prefer if we keep this
relationship in the pantry for now.

[shudders]

All right. Uh, you do
admit it's a relationship.

- That's a start.
- Then it's settled.

What happens in the pantry
stays in the pantry.

[sighs]

[exhales]

"The pageant will consist of
an evening gown competition,

followed by a socially relevant and
intellectually challenging Q & A."

So we have to choose one
member to represent the house

who exemplifies all
the qualities of...

- I nominate Ashleigh!
- I second that!

- I'm retired.
- Yeah, Ash has a pageant past.

I had a respectable career.

I was crowned Little Miss Perfect,
Little Miss Princess,

Little Miss Unincorporated
Arapahoe County

before hanging up my dental
flippers at age six...

...whe. the pressure got to me.

So... [chuckles]

I would like to
nominate Casey instead.

[applause] - And I'd
like to nominate Rebecca!

- Beth?
- Beth?

- Can she even nominate?
- I accept the nomination.

Really? Rebecca,
you want to compete?

Why wouldn't I? - Well,
given the whole Beaver thing...

Hey, it didn't hurt Vanessa Williams'
career. - No, not... not that.

Um, it's just probably best if
you stay out of the limelight

due to all of your... scandals.
We need to win. No offense.

[Ashleigh] All right.
All those in favor

of Casey representing ZBZ in
the Greek Goddess pageant?

[Casey chuckles]

- [Ashleigh] OK, great!
- [applause]

This crowd has gone deadly silent.

Cinderella story, out of nowhere,

a former greenskeeper
now about to become...

...the Masters champion.

- [thump]
- [man] Ow!

Hey, Cap. Put down the club.
I gotta talk to you.

Oh, certainly, Your Eminency.

I spoke to your buddy Evan.

- Said you're quite the golfer.
- Gopher?

Golfer! Something about
your slice last semester,

when you guys were friends.

OK, yes, Evan and I called a truce,

but that was last semester.
Everything's changed

Were you guys friends when
Wade and the guys got expelled?

You can't tell me about
your secret friendship,

you can't tell me about your revenge
plans... - Trust me, Evan will pay.

- Tell me about your plan.
- Ronald Reagan.

How does a dead president help
us get revenge on Omega Chi?

[muffled grunting]

- [gasping]
- Where... What is...?

Gee, I wonder who
could have done this?

Jigsaw? - Clearly
it was the Omega Chi.

They must have done this so you
wouldn't beat your pal Evan at golf.

Ex-pal. - They never
would have kidnapped us

if you hadn't dragged your feet
on your whole revenge plan.

Come on. No, I want to
hear Cappie's master plan.

- I mean, don't you trust me?
- No, it's about me and Evan.

How many times do I have to get hit
in the face before it's about me too?

I don't know.
How many times has it been?

I don't want to drag
other people into it, OK?

Like Wade, Jeremy, and Ferret?

You know what? Why don't you just
stick to the science and beaker stuff

and I'll handle the revenge, OK?

In the meantime I'll
figure out a way to escape

since you won't share
your plan in that either.

[grunting]

Beauty pageants require contestants

to answer important questions
about difficult issues.

While parading around in swimsuits.

Not our pageant. Katherine
lifted the swimsuit portion.

Boo! Why?

Because we're promoting "female
empowerment," not bulimia.

[both laugh] - Oh, look,
my big sis and my ex.

So much for sisterhood.

Rebecca, you can't
expect me to pick sides.

You're right.

You should be there for Evan
just as you've been there for me.

But I guess you've been
too busy with the pageant.

Why are you so
against me competing?

You always have to be the hero.

It's my responsibility to
get the house back on top.

Well, what will you do next
year to validate yourself

when there are no ZBZ
contests for you to win?

And you, I know you're the one

who broke into my room and
took back the necklace.

I should call the cops.

But I won't. So I guess
that makes us even.

Wow.

So, Adam, uh, Dale has
told me what's going on,

what you're feeling. Let's talk.

I think I might be...

Uh...

-...gay. - See? It's OK
to say the word out loud.

- What makes you think so?
- I saw New Moon six times.

Aw, man, that Mormon bunk again?

Yeah, that is definitely a sign.

You know, my pastor says
being gay is lonely,

like, you'll never find love,

or have a real relationship.

Well, no offense to your pastor,
but he's an idiot.

I'm in a really good
relationship right now,

with a guy who just came out,
actually.

Just like that? He came out
and you found each other?

No. You can't always count on that.

Usually it's a process.

You have to spend some time
figuring out who you really are

before you know what you
want in someone else.

And you and your boyfriend,
you both want the same thing?

Hey, why don't you bring
Grant to our next coffee,

so we can show Adam how happy
and gay and committed you are.

Sure. Yeah, I know he would love
to show you how happy we are.

[laughing]

- Saved By The Bell!
- Been said!

The College Years.

Damn, '90s TV tag is hard.

Um... excuse me.

Yeah, I hate to interrupt while
you're curing world hunger and all,

but I haven't been able to reach
Rusty all day and I'm kinda worried.

Haven't seen him. Try Cappie.

You know, I haven't
seen Cappie either.

So two of your
brothers are missing?

Sounds like it.

- And your golf tournament is today?
- Yeah, in like an hour.

Against your big rival
fraternity the Omega Chis?

Yeah. We hate them.

So isn't it just a little bit weird

that they're both not here?

OK, we don't have time
for your questions.

Cappie and Rusty have been
kidnapped by the Omega Chis.

- What's up with the Omega Chis?
- We think they kidnapped Rusty and Cappie.

- We'll find them.
- Hurry! It's almost tee time.

- We don't have time for tea!
- Golf, Beav.

[clamoring]

You know, I can't believe Rebecca
thinks I'm doing this for the credit,

or that I'm having
trouble letting go.

You need to stop
worrying about that

and start worrying
more about "smysing."

- What?
- Smiling with your eyes.

You look like a mime on drugs.

Hey, Casey. I heard
you were competing.

Would you like to
meet your competition?

This is Eliana Hernandez.

She's a very recent Gamma
Psi transfer from UCLA,

but grew up in Caracas, Venezuela.

We were gown shopping.
She's from warm climates

and her longest dress
was mid-thigh-high.

So against the rules.

Well, we're just on our
way to the tailor now.

She won't need that. She's so tall
and thin she could wear runway sizes.

Well, good luck tomorrow. Bye!

You're the one who's
gonna need the luck.

Venezuela almost always
wins Miss Universe

and California dominates Miss USA,

so a Venezuelan-Californian
is virtually unbeatable.

I am all for shenanigans,
but I really have to pee.

- [rattling]
- [Rusty grunts]

Is it manly to pee down your leg
as long as you're not scared?

Because I'm not scared, by the way.

Hey, how'd you do that?

This stuff dissolves adhesive.

Looks like my beakers and my science
stuff came in pretty handy, huh?

- Say hi to Evan for me.
- Wait! No, hey...

Rus! Not funny.

Rusty, come on. Rusty!

Who's holding that WD-40 now?

Say it, Cap. Say it...

Fine! You're holding the WD-40 now.

Come on, take this off.

- [grunts]
- [vehicle approaching]

Oh! [shushing]

- It's the Omega Chi.
- God, I have to pee.

[men clamoring, faint]

Rusty and Cappie,
we're here to rescue you!

Where'd they go?

Are the brothers gonna get
mad when they find out

it was us who kidnapped them?

And then lost them?

[gasps] I think I peed a little.

[gasps, panting]

[coughs]

Maybe there's a gas
station down the road.

- But you just went.
- So we can use their phone.

I think it'll be faster this way.

Well, I trust my instincts.

Is it really that big of
a deal that we go my way?

I mean, back there,
who was holding...

The WD-40, yeah, I know.

But I'm the president of the house.

And if I have to keep
something from my little bro

for the sake of the national/house security,
then you have to accept that.

Maybe I'm tired of always
being your "little brother."

You'd rather be my little sister? - Fine.
You go your wrong way,

- I'm gonna go mine.
- Fine! But I'm more fine.

- Finer.
- The finest!

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go with that kid?

Uh, I told him that you
would come along next time.

- I mean, if you can.
- Sure, no problem.

So, what's the verdict
with the cruise?

I'm sorry, I just...

I don't really want to spend Spring Break
with a bunch of single gay strangers.

So you'd rather spend it with thousands
of drunk homophobic straight dudes

and girls with low
self-esteem and wet T-shirts?

No, I would rather spend
it with you and our friends

rather than spend a week
on the gay Love Boat.

Fine. Then maybe you
should go to Myrtle Beach,

I'll go on the cruise.

Look, I... I di$n't mean that.

Are you sure? 'Cause I'm
starting to wonder if you wish

you had the chance to explore
more of the single gay world

before settling down in
a relationship with me.

Never should have let your
brother wander off alone.

Well, he couldn't
have gone too far.

Unless the Omega Chis
nabbed him again.

Either way, we're missing
the golf tournament.

Hopefully they'll have better
luck with your beauty pageant.

Maybe if we kidnap
Eliana Hernandez.

She's Gamma Psi's pageant
contestant from Venezuela

who transferred to CRU from UCLA.

A Cali-zuelan? You're screwed.

I mean, I'm sure you'll beat her.

Maybe I should let Rebecca compete,

so she can lose to that supermodel.

Serve her right for being
such a bitch earlier.

She's just pissy because she
wants to compete in the pageant

- and I didn't support her.
- Why not?

Because scandals don't help
pageant contestants win.

They help them get on
Perez and Larry King,

and this is our last chance
to put the house back on top.

Are you sure it's not your
last chance to save the day?

I mean, you've done so
much for the house already,

maybe you don't always
need to be the hero.

- There's Rusty.
- Oh.

Hey.

Say it, Spitter. Who has the
low-emissions vehicle now?

- [man] Yeah.
- Nice!

[man 2] Why didn't
Kappa Tau show up?

Doodie! Stop the match!

- You gotta clean the course.
- We're done, you jackass.

- Still no word on the Kappa Tau player.
- [cart horn honks]

Yeah, we're here!

[tires screech]

[Rusty] OK! Everybody hold up!

Stop playing! Cap is ready.

- OK.
- It's too late. Sorry.

Kappa Taus are disqualified. - No,
the Omega Chis need to be disqualified.

- They kidnapped me.
- Yeah, right.

[Cappie] Don't try and
talk your way out of this

- with that fancy talk you got.
- [Rusty] Obviously it was you.

We were transported in a black SUV,

- just like the one Trip drives.
- [Cappie] Yeah.

Uh, like that one?

[winces] - [Cappie] No,
but that's Dumptruck's.

Oh, my God.

We were kidnapped
by our own pledges.

[laughter] - We meant
to get you back in time,

but when we got to the shed,
you guys were gone.

You made me miss the whole tourney.

We only wanted to make our mark,
like Spitter's pledge class.

Well, nice work, losers.

[applause] - [man] Couldn't have
done it without you guys. Thanks!

Chest out. Chin up.

Chest out!

"Smyse." Chest out!

OK, so we need more "smysing."

Smyse like you mean it.

Gown in the house. - Oh,
thank you so much for picking it up, Abby.

No problem. But I thought you were supposed
to wear a floor-length evening gown.

- [gasps]
- Oh, what did they do?

They were supposed to take
off two inches, not two feet!

They said some little blonde
came in for new measurements.

- I thought they meant you.
- It was probably Natalie.

This would be a
floor-length gown on her.

What are we gonna do? We're sunk.

[clears throat] I have a few gowns

- that'd be perfect for this competition.
- Really? From what?

From being rich.
I can win the pageant.

I've been walking around
and fake smiling for years.

[sighs]

Forget it. Thought maybe you'd
finally give me a chance,

but... whatever.

Wait. If you really
want to do it...

...then I guess it's all
riding on you, Rebecca.

Testing... One... One, two,
two... Hello, everybody,

and welcome to CRU's Greek Goddess
of Brains and Beauty competition.

Whoo! - Now, this is not a
night about skin or swimsuits

and it's not about the
objectification of women!

- [men groaning]
- [women cheering, applaud]

We can just fill
in those gaps here.

Come on forward.
Let's fill in the gaps.

Thank you, gentlemen.

[dance music playing]

[cheering and applause]

Classic two-step heel plant.

With pivot. She's a pro.

Come on, slip!

[cheering and applause]

* Work it like a supermodel Work
it like a supermodel *

* Work it like a supermodel Work
it like a supermodel *

* Work it like a supermodel Work
it like a supermodel *

- * Work it like a supermodel *
- [man] Slut!

- Tramp!
- Skank!

Hey, shut the hell up! Not cool!

* Work it at the runway Runway,
runway *

* Work it at the runway Work
it at the runway *

* Work it *

Hey. Where's Grant?

Uh, he will not be
joining us today.

We're kinda having some issues.

- What kind of issues?
- Uh, well,

we had a disagreement
over a gay cruise.

Hey, Calvin, please come
with me for a second.

- What was that about?
- You're supposed to show Adam

that being gay means you can be in
a healthy, committed relationship.

I know, but... - Whereas the
gay cruise promotes promiscuity.

- Dale, that's not...
- I saw the pictures.

All those shaved calves
and snug swim trunks.

You're supposed to help me,
not betray me like some gay Judas.

No, you asked me to help Adam,

who should know all
the facets of gay life

not some just idealized version
or the stereotypes. By the way,

thanks for your concern
about me and Grant.

Come on! [grunts]

Adam...

It's possible that my
relationship with Grant

may not make it in the long run.

It's starting to seem like
we want different things.

Or, they might make
up tonight, chastely.

Relationships are hard,
gay or straight.

But you can't hide your
feelings in the closet

and settle for something
that isn't right for you.

Which is part of coming out.

[rock music playing]

* Oh, so he's got it made *

You let your brothers trash Rebecca

in front of the entire Greek system.
Real classy, Chambers.

Yeah, look,
I told them to stop, OK?

Maybe they wouldn't have started it if
they weren't taking their cue from you.

- Maybe I did punch the wrong guy.
- Maybe you did.

Hey, hey! Hey!

Jeez. You were the one who
stabbed him in the back.

He wasn't the one who slept
with your girlfriend.

You're gonna hit me again? Do it.

My face is numb from all
the other times anyway.

[softly] All right.

[snickers] Impressive, Rus.

How can you be friends
with that guy?

Because I thought
that he could change.

I thought he could be the
guy that I wanted him to be.

Well, you don't trust me,
even though I always have your back.

Why won't you tell me
your plan for revenge?

Because there isn't one.

- Seriously?
- I have nothing,

except for maybe a small
case of revenge block.

You didn't think that
I could help you?

I didn't want to disappoint you.
It had to be perfect,

and I don't have perfect
in me right now.

But I know that. You're one of the
biggest screw-ups in the school.

Well, thank you very much,
my friend.

But I also know that
if I have a problem

I can always come to you.
I just wish you felt the same.

Quit being my hero and
start being my friend.

Boys can be so stupid and immature.

Don't listen to any of that.

I bet you didn't
expect to see this.

I really wish you,
of all people, hadn't.

Well, it's nice to see
that you have emotions.

- [sniffles]
- And tear ducts.

Why would you want to put
yourself out there like that?

Because I wanted to show everyone

that I didn't give a crap
about how people see me.

Everyone? Or Evan?

I mean, do you still
care about him?

[softly] Yes.

And I hate that.

I just thought that
because he's different

and messed-up,
like me... [chuckles]

...that he'd get me. [sighs]

It was stupid.

[sobs]

And now I'm screwing it up
for the whole house, too.

You were right.

You were a much better
choice for this.

This competition is supposed
to be about confidence

and elegance and strength.

The fact that you even went out there,
after everything that's happened...

...I can't think of anyone who's
all of those things more than you.

You're the perfect choice.

[sniffles] I don't think I can go out
there for the final question round.

You can. I know we've
had our differences,

and sometimes, wow,
you really have pissed me off...

[chuckles]

...but you're the future of ZBZ.

We may or may not win tonight,

but I know that ZBZ will
be number one again,

and when that day happens,
it'll be because of you.

Now, go out there and kick
some Cali-zuelan ass, OK?

[Katherine] Our next contestant
is a communications major.

We have Gamma Psi's
Eliana Hernandez.

Eliana, what is
your favorite class?

- I like English very much.
- [men whoop]

Uh, thank you for
me liking America.

Please note, everyone, English is her
fourth language. Very impressive.

Moving on. Our next contestant
is a psychology major

with a political upbringing
and a passion for calligraphy.

- We have ZBZ's Rebecca Logan.
- Whoo!

[cheering and applause]

ZBZ, what is your take
on the current debate

- of healthcare reform in our country...
- This is so rigged.

Thank you, Katherine,

and thank you to the
pageant organizers

and all those voting.

This is an issue that's
been debated to death,

which is where a lot of
people will end up without it.

And one that's been challenged
with a great deal of hypocrisy.

But you know what?

Let's focus on that word:
hypocrisy.

Here's an example:

How girls are held to an
impossible sexual standard.

How a girl can be called a "slut"

while a guy's applauded
for his conquests.

And when she wants to seem
strong through the name-calling,

she's a bitch.

And it's not just the guys
who are saying this, ladies.

But it's important to
call out such hypocrisy,

because we're not actually
gods and goddesses.

We're humans... who make mistakes.

Hopefully we learn
from them and move on,

pulling ourselves back up.

Recently, I made a mistake.

But there's only one person here

who has the right to
speak to me about it.

As for everyone else...

I'm Rebecca Logan, and I'm a ZBZ.

And I'm damn proud of both.

Whoo!

- [applause]
- [whispers] Thanks.

Thank you all for voting.

Didn't they all look
fantastic and empowered?

Now I, for one, am a firm believer

that we are all winners here,

but unfortunately, that is
not how a competition works.

So I'd like to start by
announcing the winner

of the Greek Gods
of Golf competition.

The lowest score for this evening,

and this year's Greek God...

...is Evan Chambers from Omega Chi.

[cheers and applause]

And this year's Greek Goddess...

...is Rebecca Logan from ZBZ.

[cheering and applause]

Congratulations.
I thought what you said...

Save it.

[frat guys cheering, indistinct]

[rock music plays]

[groans] What do you
want now, a hug?

I want a chance to
kick your ass in golf.

- Night golf.
- [laughs]

Why should I? I already won
the IFC golf tournament.

By default. You didn't beat me.

[sighs] All right. Yeah, fine.
I'll play. What do we get if we win?

How about Pickle's uncle's beach house
he lent us for the spring break.

- It's got eight bedrooms...
- [Rusty] No, no, no.

Where are we gonna stay if we lose?

We're not gonna lose.
I know what I'm doing.

And if you win, however unlikely?

We get your house for 24 hours,

for the most badass party
and you're not invited.

Don't even, Chambers.
They'll trash our whole house.

Uh-oh! Pumpkinhead's scared.

Just listen to me
this once, please.

- Do not bet the beach house.
- It's too late. That's a deal.

Good.

So you want to go, uh,

check out the whole
golf death match thing?

Actually, I was thinking about
heading over to Gentlemen's Choice,

just to grab a beer,
if that's cool.

Well, you don't have
to ask me, you know.

That's what you want to do.

I don't... I don't
know what I want.

I think you do.

I think that you want to be single.

[scoffs] That's so untrue.

Oh, come on, I don't even care
about that stupid gay cruise.

Come on, Grant. This isn't about
the cruise or Gentlemen's Choice.

You came out of the closet right
into a relationship with me,

and, you know,
you think you missed out.

You want to know what
it's like to be single.

Maybe. A little.

[sighs] I'm so grateful for everything
you did, helping me come out.

Calvin...

...I love you.

I love you, too.
But I don't want grateful.

You know, I need to
be with someone...

...who wants to be with me...

...just me.

Are you ready for that?

I don't know what to say.

I think you just did.

So that's it? I mean,
we're breaking up?

Yeah, I... I guess we are.

[sighs] Wow.

This is so weird.

I just want to say...

...thank you for everything.

Look, you don't have
to thank me. Come on.

All right,
so you guys ready to lose

that kick-ass Spring Break suite?

Are you ready for 50 drunk KTs

puking and peeing in your house?

[Heath] And that's
just in your room.

[Rusty chuckles] All right, guys.

I have your balls.

The blue ball's yours, naturally.

Thank you.

All right, it's a one-shot
challenge with nine-irons.

The closest one to the hole wins.

- Are you OK?
- Uh, yeah.

Grant and I just broke up.

I'm sorry to hear that.

[Heath] And it's... in the water!

- Really?
- What?

- Is it?
- [murmuring]

No, I wish.

It's actually about
two feet from the pin.

[cheering]

- [man] Why would he set us up like that?
- [man 2] Way to go, Evan!

- [man 3] Way to go! Beautiful.
- [man 2] Beat that!

All right. Well,
if there are no objections,

I'd like Rusty to swing for me.

What are you doing?
You're the golfer.

Rusty, you're my little brother.

You know how important this is to me.
I know you'll do the right thing.

Just be the ball, OK? Be the ball.

Be the ball, be the ball,
be the ball, be the ball...

Just be the ball, be the ball,
be the ball, be the ball...

be the ball... - It's kinda hard
when you're talking like that.

- Sorry.
- [laughter]

- [Omega Chis laugh]
- No!

It's, like, right there.

Attention, ladies and... ladies.

I would like to present you
with this year's Greek Goddess:

ZBZ's very own Rebecca Logan!

[Ashleigh] And since
we're all here,

it is tradition for the seniors
to give a gift to the house,

and we would like to
give our gift early.

Well, thanks to all of
your hard work this year,

and to Rebecca's win today,
our gift to you

is that ZBZ is once again
the number one house!

[cheering and applause]

And we got you T-shirts
so you can flaunt it!

[mouthing] Thank you.

Hey, uh, Laura, uh,
I've been thinking.

[clears throat] I enjoy
our time together,

but I don't want to hide it behind
graham crackers and canned tuna.

You know, I want to take
it outside the pantry.

No.

Sorry.

Uh, excuse me, everybody.

Uh, attention, please.

Laura and I will no
longer be involved

in a semi-sexual relationship.

So, as of right now,

Dale Kettlewell's
back on the market.

[murmuring]

All right, everyone gather around.

Spitter, come here.

- [both laughing]
- Hey-o!

- [chuckling]
- Yeah.

Ah, look at your faces.

- What's going on?
- We wanted Evan to win.

Seriously? - So you
don't suck at golf?

Oh, I suck, all right.
That was part of the plan.

So we wanted to give
them the beach house?

Which we'll use as the greatest
revenge KT has ever known.

Ladies and gentlemen, as president

it is my job to
nominate the one man

who can lead us to victory and
avenge our fallen comrades.

- What?
- My friend...

...and our new revenge chair,
Rusty Cartwright!

Bring us to the promised land, Rus.

Brothers...

Phase one is complete.

Phase two: Myrtle Beach.