Great Performances (1971–…): Season 12, Episode 2 - Alice in Wonderland - full transcript

Yeah,
a little more to the left.

- Hey, whatch it!
- I told you to use that...

Will everyone please be quiet?

Now I will make the decision.
The girl has got to go on.

Look sweetheart,
I'm the director.

I told you I'm getting mad.

She does not know the part.
It'll be a disaster.

If she messes up my scenes,
I walk off the stage.

I just wish somebody would
listened to my wife.

She knows what she's talking about.
This girl must go on.

Even she carries a script.
Isn't that a good idea, darling?



- Dreadful!
- Dreadful idea.

Curtain time is in 20 minutes
and we're going to be late.

Wait a minute!

... slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

"Beware the Jabberwock..."

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!"

"Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand
Long time the manxome foe he sough

So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought

And, as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
And... And...

20 minutes till the curtain.

Oh my ears and whiskers,
how late it's getting!



If you please, sir.

Dear, dear,
how queer everything is today.

Yesterday things
went on just as usual.

I wonder if I've
changed in the night.

Let me think: was I the same
when I woke up this morning?

I almost think I can remember
feeling a little different.

But if I'm not the same, the next
question is, Who in the world am I?

I'm certain this table
was not here before.

Drink me.

Well, it's all very well to say
"Drink me",

but I better look first and see
whether you're marked poison or not.

For if a little girl drinks from
a bottle marked "poison"

it is almost certain to disagree
with her sooner or later.

Now...

Must be alright.

What a curious feeling.

I must be shutting
up like a telescope.

I am!

I wonder if I should go out
altogether, like a candle.

I wish I hadn't cried so much.

I shall be punished for it now,
I suppose,

by being drowned
in my own tears.

Would it be of any use, now,
to speak to this mouse?

Everything is so out-of-the-way here,
that I think quite likely it can talk.

At any rate,
there's no harm in trying.

O Mouse, do you know
the way out of this pool?

I'm very tired of swimming
about here, O Mouse.

Perhaps it doesn't
understand English.

I daresay it's a French mouse,
come over with William the Conqueror.

Où est ma chatte?

I beg your pardon!
I quite forgot you didn't like cats.

Would you like cats
if you were me?

No, indeed,
and don't be angry about it.

For I wish I could
show you our cat, Dinah.

She is such a dear quiet thing

and she is such a capital
one for catching mice.

I beg your pardon.

We won't talk about her
anymore if you'd rather not.

We indeed! As if I would
talk on such a subject!

You see,
our family always hated cats.

Nasty, low, vulgar things.

Don't let me hear
that name again.

O Mouse,
please do come back again.

Well, let us get to shore,
and I'll tell you my history

and you'll understand
why it is I hate...

You know.

You promised to tell me
your history, you know.

And why it is you hate...

Mine is a long and a sad tale.

It is a long tail, certainly,
but why do you call it sad?

Fury said to a mouse
That he met in the house

"Let us both go to law:
I will prosecute you."

"Come, I'll take no denial.
We must have a trial."

"For really this morning
I've nothing to do."

Said the mouse to the cur
"Such a trial, dear sir"

"With no jury or judge,
would be wasting our breath."

"I'll be judge, I'll be jury.",
Said, cutting old Fury:

"I'll try the whole cause
and condemn you to death."

You're not attending.

I beg your pardon,
you had got to the fifth bend, I think?

- I had not.
- A knot!

Do let me help to undo it.

I shall do nothing of the sort.

The Duchess! The Duchess!

Won't she be savage
if I've kept her waiting!

Oh my dear paws!
Oh my fur and whiskers!

She'll have me executed,
as sure as ferrets are ferrets!

Where can I have dropped...?

Why, Mary Ann,
what are you doing here?

Run home and fetch me
a pair of gloves and a fan.

Quick now!

He took me for his housemaid.

How surprised he'll be
when he finds out who I am!

But I better take him
his fan and gloves.

That is, if I can find them.

Who are you?

I hardly know, sir,
just at present.

At least, I know who I was
when I woke up this morning,

but I'm afraid I've changed
several times since then.

What do you mean by that?
Explain yourself.

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,
because I'm not myself, you see.

I don't see.

I can't put it more clearly than that,
for I can understand it myself

and being so many different sizes
in one day is terribly confusing.

It isn't.

Well, perhaps
you haven't found it so yet,

but when you have
to turn into a chrysalis,

and then after that
into a butterfly,

I should think you'll feel
it a little queer, won't you?

Not a bit.

Well, perhaps your feelings
may be different.

All I know is it would
feel very queer to me.

To you.

Who are you?

I think you ought to
tell me who you are first.

Why?

No, come back.
Come back.

I have something to say.

Keep your temper.

Is that all?

No.

So you think you're changed,
do you?

I'm afraid I am, sir.
I can't remember things as I used

and I don't keep the same
size for ten minutes together.

Can't remember what things?

Well, I've tried to say
"How doth the little busy bee",

but it all came different.

Repeat.

"You are old", father William.

"You are old", father William,
the young man said,

"and your hair has
become very white."

"And yet you incessantly
stand on your head."

"Do you think at
your age it is right?"

"In my youth", father
William replied to his son,

"I feared
it would injure the brain,"

"but, now that I'm
perfectly sure I have none,"

"why, I do it again and again."

That's not said right.

Not quite right, I'm afraid, sir.
Some of the words have got altered.

It's wrong
from beginning to end.

What size do you want to be?

Well, I'm not
particular as to size, sir.

Only one doesn't like
changing so often, you know.

I don't know.
Are you content now?

I should like to be a little larger,
sir, if you wouldn't mind.

Three inches is such
a wretched height to be.

It is a very good height
indeed!

But I'm not used to it.

You'll get used to it in time.

One side will make you
grow taller

and the other side
will make you grow smaller.

One side of what?
The other side of what?

Of the mushroom.

Which is which?

For the duchess!

For the duchess!

An invitation from the Queen
to play croquet.

From the Queen!

From the Queen.

An invitation for the
duchess to play croquet!

Please, sir.

To play croquet.

To play croquet.

There's no sort
of use in knocking.

And that's for two reasons.

First, because I'm on the same
side of the door as you are.

Secondly, because they're
making such a noise inside,

no one could possibly
hear you.

Please, then,
how am I to get in?

There might be some
sense in your knocking.

if we had the door between us.

For instance, if you are inside,
you might knock, and I can let you out.

- How am I?
- I shall sit here till tomorrow.

Or next day, maybe.

But how am I to get in?

I shall sit here on and off
for days and days.

There's no use
in talking to him.

He's perfectly idiotic.

There's certainly
too much pepper in that soup.

Would you tell me, please,
why does your cat grin like that?

It's a Cheshire cat, that's why.

Pig!

I didn't know that Cheshire cats
always grinned.

In fact, I didn't know
that cat's could grin.

They all can
and most of them do.

I don't know of any that do.

You don't know much,
and that's a fact.

Please,
mind what you're doing!

There goes his precious nose!

If everybody minded
their own business,

the world would go a
deal faster than it does.

Which would not
be an advantage.

Just think of all the work it would
make with the day and the night.

You see, the earth takes 24 hours
to turn round on its axis...

Talking of axes,
chop off her head!

24 hours, I think.
Or is it 12?

Don't bother me.
I never could abide figures.

Speak roughly to your little boy
and beat him when he sneezes

He only does it to annoy
because he knows it teases

I speak severely to my boy
I beat him when he sneezes

For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he sneezes

Here! You may nurse it a bit,
if you like!

I must go and get ready
to play croquet with the Queen.

If I don't take this
child away with me,

they'll surely kill
it in a day or two.

Wouldn't it be murder
to leave it behind?

Don't grunt.

That's not at all the proper way
of expressing yourself.

If you're gonna turn
into a pig my dear,

I'll have nothing more
to do with you.

What am I gonna do with this
creature once I get it home?

If it had grown up, it would have
made a dreadfully ugly child.

But it makes a rather
handsome pig, I think.

Cheshire Puss...

Would you tell me, please,
which way I ought to walk from here?

That depends a great deal
on where you want to get to.

I don't much care where.

Then it doesn't matter
which way you walk.

So long as I get somewhere.

You sure to do so
if you only walk long enough.

What sort of people
live about here?

To the right, lives a Hatter,
to the left, lives a March Hare.

Visit either you like.
They're both mad.

But I don't want to go
among mad people.

You can't help it,
we're all mad.

I am mad.

You are mad.

How do you know I'm mad?

You must be,
or you wouldn't have come here.

Do you play croquet
with the Queen today?

I should like to very much,
but I haven't been invited yet.

You'll see me there.

Well, I've often seen
a cat without a grin,

but a grin without a cat?

It's the most curious
thing I've seen in all my life.

I've seen hatters before.

The March Hare will be
much the more interesting,

and as it's May,
perhaps it won't be raving mad.

At least not as mad
as it was in March.

No room.

No room.

No room.

It must be very uncomfortable
for the Dormouse.

Only, as it's asleep,
I suppose it doesn't mind.

No room.

No room.

- No room!
- There's plenty of room.

Have some wine.

- I don't see any wine.
- There isn't any.

Then it wasn't very civil
of you to offer it.

It wasn't very civil of you
to sit down without being invited.

I didn't know it was your table.
It's laid for a great many more than three.

Your hair wants cutting.

You should learn not to make
personal remarks. It's very rude.

Why is a raven
like a writing-desk?

I believe I can guess that.

Do you mean you think you can
find out the answer to it?

- Exactly.
- Then you should say what you mean.

I do. At least...

At least I mean what I say.
It's the same thing, you know.

Not the same thing a bit.
Why you might just as well say

that "I see what I eat"
is the same thing as "I eat what I see".

You might just as well say that "I like what I get"
is the same thing as "I get what I like".

You might just as well say
that "I breathe when I sleep"

is the same thing as
"I sleep when I breathe".

It is the same thing with you,
Dormouse.

What a funny watch.

It tells the days of the month
but doesn't tell what o'clock it is.

Why should it?

Does your watch
tell you what year it is?

Of course not, but that's because it stays
the same year for such a long time together.

Which is just a case with mine.

- I don't understand you.
- Have you guessed the riddle yet?

No, I give it up.
What's the answer?

- I haven't the slightest idea.
- Nor I.

I think you might do
something better with the time

than waste it in asking riddles
that have no answers.

If you knew time as well as I do,
you wouldn't talk about wasting it.

It's him.

I don't know what you mean.

Of course you don't.

I dare say you never
even spoke to Time.

No, perhaps not, but I know that
I have to beat time when I learn music.

That accounts for it.

He won't stand beating. Now, if
you only stayed on good terms with him,

he'd do almost anything
you liked with the clock

Is that the way you manage?

Not I. We quarreled last March,
just before he went mad, you know.

It was at the great concert
given by the Queen of hearts

and I had to sing

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat
How I wonder what you're at

- You know the song perhaps.
- I've heard something like it.

It goes on, you know,
in this way.

Up above the world you fly
Like a tea-tray in the sky

Twinkle, twinkle.

I'd hardly finish
the first verse.

- Twinkle...
- I'd hardly finish the first verse.

Twinkle, twinkle.

I'd hardly finish the first
verse when the Queen bawled out

"He's murdering time.
Off with his head."

How dreadfully savage!

And ever since that,
he won't do a thing I ask.

It's always six o'clock now.

Is that the reason so many
tea-things are put here?

Yes, that's it.
It's always tea-time.

And we've no time to wash the things
between whiles.

Wake up, Dormouse!

I wasn't asleep.

I heard every word
you fellas were saying.

I want a clean cup,
let's all move one place on.

- But I don't understand.
- Then you shouldn't talk.

No room.

No room.

No room.

At any rate,
I'll never go there again!

Wake up, wake up...

That's the stupidest tea-party
I ever was at in all my life.

Would you tell me, please,
why are you painting those roses?

Why, the fact is, you see, Miss,

this here ought to have been
a red rose-tree.

And we put in a
white one by mistake.

And if the Queen was
to find it out,

we all have our heads
cut off, you know.

The Queen! The Queen!

Who is this?

Idiot.

What is your name, child?

My name is Alice,
so please your Majesty.

Alice.

They're only
a pack of cards, after all.

I needn't be afraid of them.

Who are they?

How should I know?
It's no business of mine.

Off with her head.

- Off...
- Nonsense!

Consider, my dear.
She's only a child.

Turn around.

Leave off that!

You're making me giddy!

Now, what have you
been doing here?

May it please your Majesty,
we were trying to...

I see!

Off with their heads!

Can you play croquet?

- Yes.
- Come on, then.

It's a fine day.

Very, where's the duchess?

She's under sentence of execution.

What for?

- Did you say what a pity.
- No, I didn't.

I don't think it's at all a pity.
I said "what for?"

She...
She boxed the Queen's ears.

Hush! Hush!
The Queen will hear you.

She came rather late,
and the Queen said...

Can you play croquet?

Take your places.

Off with his head.

Off with his head.

Off...

Alice, have you met
the Mock Turtle yet?

I don't even know
what a Mock Turtle is.

Well, it's the thing
Mock Turtle Soup is made from.

I never saw one
or heard of one.

You shall meet the Mock Turtle
and hear his history.

Gryphon! Gryphon!

A lazy thing.

Take this young lady to meet
the Mock Turtle and to hear his history.

I shall take care of some
executions I have ordered.

It's all her fancy, that.

They never execute nobody,
you know.

Come on.

I never was so ordered
about in all my life. Never.

What is his sorrow?

It's all his fancy, that.

He hasn't got no sorrow,
you know.

This here young lady,

she wants for to know
your history, she do.

Well, I'll tell it to her.
Sit down.

Once, I was a real Turtle.

When we were little,
we went to school in the sea.

The master was an old Turtle.
We used to call him Tortoise.

Why did you call him Tortoise
if he wasn't one?

We called him Tortoise
because he taught us.

Really, you are very dull.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself
for asking such a simple question.

Of course, you know,
we had the best of education.

In fact,
we went to school every day.

I've been to a day-school too.
You needn't be so proud as all that.

With extras?

Yes, we learned
French and music.

Then yours wasn't
a really good school.

Well, at ours,
they had at the end of the bill,

French, music,
and washing extra.

You couldn't have wanted it much,
living at the bottom of the sea.

Well,
I couldn't afford to learn it.

- I only took the regular course.
- What was that?

Reeling and Writhing,
of course, to begin with.

And then the different branches
of Arithmetic.

Ambition, Distraction,
Uglification and Derision.

I never heard of Uglification.
What is it?

Never heard of Uglification!

You know what to beautify is,
I suppose?

It means to make
anything prettier.

Well, then, if you don't know what
to uglify is, you are a simpleton.

Well, how many hours a day
did you do lessons?

Ten hours the first,
and nine the next, and so on.

What a curious plan.

Well, that's the reason
they're called lessons,

because they
lessen from day to day.

That's right.

Then the eleven same
must have been a holiday.

- Of course it was.
- But how did you manage on the twelfth?

- Well
- That's enough about lessons.

Tell her something
about the games now.

Well.

It's all right.
It's all right.

Same as if he had
a bone in his throat.

Now, you may not have
lived much under the sea.

I haven't.

And perhaps you were
never introduced to a lobster.

I once tasted...
No, never.

So you have no idea what a delightful
thing a Lobster Quadrille is.

No, indeed.
What sort of a dance is it?

- Would you like to see a little of it?
- Very much indeed.

Let's try the first figure.

We can do without the lobster,
you know?

Which shall sing?

You sing.
I've forgotten the words.

"Will you walk a little faster?"
said a whiting to a snail

"There's a porpoise close behind us,
and he's treading on my tail"

See how eagerly the lobsters
and the turtles all advance!

They are waiting on the shingle
Will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you
Will you join the dance?

Will you, won't you, will you, won't you
Will you join the dance?

If I'd been the whiting in the song,
I'd have said to the porpoise:

"Keep back, please.
We don't want you with us."

But they were obliged
to have him with them.

You see, no wise fish would go
anywhere without a porpoise.

- Wouldn't it really?
- Of course not.

Why, if a fish came to me,
and told me he was going on a journey,

I'd say: "With what porpoise?"

- Don't you mean "purpose"?
- I mean what I say.

Shall we try another figure
from the Lobster Quadrille?

Or do you want the Mock Turtle
to sing you a song?

A song, please, if the
Mock Turtle would be so kind.

No accounting for tastes.

Sing her Turtle Soup,
will you, old fellow?

Beautiful soup, so rich and green
Waiting in a hot terrain

Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Beautiful Soup!
Beautiful Soup!

Soup of the evening,
beautiful, beautiful

Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,
Game, or any other dish?

Who would not give all else for two
pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?

Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Beautiful Soup!
Beautiful Soup!

Soup of the evening
Beautiful, beautiful soup

The trial's beginning!
The trial's beginning!

The trial is beginning.

- Come on.
- What trial is it?

Come on.

That's the judge
because of his great wig,

And that's the jury-box.

And I suppose those
creatures are the jurors.

What are they doing?

They can't have anything to put down
yet before the trial's begun.

They're putting their names down,
for fear they should forget them

before the end of the trial.

Stupid things.

Silence in the court.

Herald, read the accusation.

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away

Consider your verdict!

No, no, your excelency.

There's a great deal more
to come before that.

Lovely, tarts.

I wish they could get the trial done
and hand round the refreshments.

Young lady, look along the road
and tell me, whom do you see?

I see nobody on the road.

I only wish I had such a eyes.

To see nobody had such a
distance to it.

It's enough for me to see
real people by this light.

Who did you pass on the road?

Quite right, quite right.
She saw him too.

So nobody walked
slower than you.

Well, now that you've got
your breath,

tell us what are
they saying in town?

A whispering:

The trial ought to begin!

You call that a whisper!

You do that again.
I'll have you butted.

Sit down.

The first witness.

First witness!

I beg pardon, Majesty,
for bringing this in,

but I hadn't quite finished
my tea when I was sent for.

Well, you ought to have finished.
When did you begin?

14th march.
I think it was.

- 15th.
- 16th.

Write that down.

- Remove your hat.
- It isn't mine?

Stolen.

I keep them to sell.

I've none of my own.
I'm a hatter.

Just get on with it!

And don't be nervous,
or I'll have you executed on the spot.

I'm a poor man, your Majesty,
and I hadn't begun my tea,

not above a week or so

and what with the bread-and-butter
getting so thin,

and the twinkling of the tea...

The twinkling of the what?

It began with the tea.

Of course twinkling
begins with a T!

Did you think I'm
some sort of dunce?

Well, if that's all you have to say,
you may stand down.

I can't go any lower.
I'm on the floor as it is.

- Well, then you may sit down
- I'd rather finish my tea.

You may go.

Just take his head off outside.

- Consider your verdict.
- Wait, wait, wait.

There's more evidence to come. This
piece of paper has just been picked up.

It's a set of verses.

Was it in the
prisoner's hand writing?

No, no. It's not. And that is
the queerest thing about it.

Well, perhaps he imitated
someone else's hand.

Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it.
And he can't prove I did.

There's no name
signed at the end.

Well, that only makes
matters worse, you see.

Because you must have
meant some mischief

or else you'd have signed your name
like an honest man.

That proves his guilt.

It proves nothing of the sort!
You don't even know what they're about!

Read them.

Where shall I begin,
please your Majesty?

Begin at the beginning
and continue until you get to the end.

Then stop.

They told me you had been to her
And mentioned me to him

She gave me a good character
But said I could not swim

He sent them word I had not gone
(We know it to be true)

If she should push the matter on
What would become of you?

I gave her one, they gave him two
You gave us three or more

They all returned from him to you
Though they were mine before

I gave her one, they gave him two
You gave us three or more

They all returned from him to you
Though they were mine before

If I or she should chance to be
Involved in this affair

He trust you to set them free
Exactly as we were

He trust you to set them free
Exactly as we were

My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)

An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

(Before she had this fit)

Don't let him know she liked them best
For this must ever be

A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me

Don't let him know she liked
the best for this must ever be.

A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me

For this must ever be
For this must ever be

A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me

A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me

That is the most important
evidence we've heard so far.

So please now, let the jury...

If any one of them can explain it
I'll give him sixpence.

I don't believe there's an atom
of meaning in it.

She doesn't believe
there's an atom of meaning in it

What do you know about this?

- Nothing.
- Nothing, whatever?

- Nothing, whatever.
- But that's very important.

- Unimportant.
- Unimportant!

Unimportant.

Unimportant!

Consider your verdict!

- No, no!
- No, no!

- Sentence first.
- Sentence first!

- Verdict afterwards.
- Verdict afterwards.

Stuff and nonsense!
The idea of having the sentence first!

- Hold your tongue
- I won't.

Off with her head!

Who cares for you?
You're nothing but a pack of cards!

Curtain in 15 minutes.

Where are you going
and where are you coming from?

Look up, speak nicely
and don't twiddle your fingers.

You see, I've lost my way.

I don't know what
you mean by your way.

All the ways about here,
belong to me.

But why did
you come here at all?

Curtsey while you're thinking
what to answer, it saves time.

It's time for you to answer now.

Open your mouth a little wider when
you speak and always say "your Majesty".

I only wanted to see
what the garden was like.

- Your Majesty.
- That's right.

Though, when you say "garden",

I've seen gardens compared with
which this would be a wilderness.

And I thought I'd try and find
my way to the top of that hill.

When you say "hill",
I could show you hills

in comparison with which
you would call that a valley.

No, I shouldn't. A hill can't be a
valley, you know, that would be nonsense.

You may call it "nonsense",

but I've heard nonsense compared with which
that would be as sensible as a dictionary.

I declare it's marked out
just like a large chessboard!

It's a great huge game of chess
that's been played all over the world,

if this is the world at all,
you know.

Oh, what fun it is.
I wish I were a part of it.

I wouldn't mind being a Pawn,
if only I might join.

Though of course I should like
to be a Queen best.

That's easily managed, you know.

You can be the White Queen's
Pawn if you like.

You'll be in the Second
Square to begin with.

And when you get
to the Eighth Square,

you'll be a Queen.

Faster! Faster!

I wonder if all the things
move along with us?

Faster! Don't try to talk!

- Are we nearly there?
- Nearly there!

We passed it ten minutes ago!
Faster!

Now! Now!
Faster! Faster!

You may rest for
a little if you'd like.

I declare we've been under
this tree the whole time.

Everything's just as it was.

Of course it is.
How would you have it?

Well, in our country, you generally
get to somewhere else,

If you ran very fast for a long time
as we've been doing.

A slow sort of country.

Now here you see, it takes all the running
you can do, to keep in the same place.

And if you want to get somewhere else,
you must run at least twice as fast as that.

I'd rather not try, please!
I'm quite content to stay here.

Only, I am so hot and thirsty.

I know what you want.
Have a biscuit?

While you are refreshing yourself,
I shall give you your directions.

Have another biscuit.

No, thank you.
One's quite enough.

Thirst quenched, I hope?

Now, the Pawn goes two squares
in its first move, you know.

So you go very quickly
through the Third Square

and you find yourself
in the Fourth Square in no time.

Well, that square belongs
to Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

The Fifth Square
is mostly water.

The Sixth Square
belongs to Humpty Dumpty.

But you make no remark.

Well, I didn't know I had
to make one just then.

You could have said: "It is very kind
of you to tell me all of these things."

However, we will suppose
that it has been said.

The Seventh Square
is all forest.

However, one of the Knights
will show you the way

and when you reach the Eighth Square,
we shall be Queens together,

and it is all feasting and fun!

Speak French when you can't
think of the English for it,

turn your toes
out when you walk

and remember who you are.

Goodbye.

She can run very fast.

If you think where wax-works,
you ought to pay, you know.

Wax-works are not made for
looking at for nothing, nohow!

Contrary wise, if you think
we're alive, you ought to speak.

I'm sure, I'm very sorry.

I know what you're thinking
and it isn't so, nohow.

Contrary wise,
if it was so, it might be.

If it were so, it would be.

But as it isn't, it ain't.
That's logic.

Well, I was thinking,
which is the best way

out of this wood
for it's coming on very dark.

Would you tell me please?

- Do you like poetry?
- Yes, pretty well, some poetry.

What shall we repeat to her?

The Walrus and the Carpenter.

That's longest.

The sun was shining on the sea
Shining with all his might

He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright

And this was odd because it was
The middle of the night

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand

They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand

"If this were only cleared away",
they said, "it would be grand"

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech

"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk
Along the briny beach"

"We cannot do with more than four
To give a hand to each"

The eldest Oyster looked at him
But never a word he said

The eldest Oyster winked his eye
And shook his heavy head

Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave his oyster bed

But for your Oysters hurried up
All eager for the treat

Their coats were brushed, their faces washed
Their shoes were clean and neat

And this was odd, because, you know
They hadn't any feet

Four other Oysters followed them
And yet another four

And thick and fast they came at last
And more, and more, and more

All hopping through the frothy waves
And scrambling to the shore

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so

And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low

And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row

"The time has come", the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things"

"Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
Of cabbages and kings"

"And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings"

"A loaf of bread", the Walrus said
"Is what we chiefly need"

"Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed"

"Now if you're ready Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed"

"But not on us!", the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue

"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do"

"The night is fine", the Walrus said,
"Do you admire the view?"

"It seems the shame", the Walrus said
"To play them such a trick"

"After we've brought them out so far
And made them trot so quick"

The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

Dance!

"I weep for you", the Walrus said
"I deeply sympathize"

With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size

Holding his pocket handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes

"O Oysters", said the Carpenter
"You've had a pleasant run!"

"Shall we be trotting home again?"
But answer came there none

But answer came there none

And that was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one

At any rate I'd really better
be getting out of the wood,

for it's coming on very dark.

Do you think it's going to rain?

No, I don't, at least not under here.
Nohow.

But it may rain outside.

It may if it chooses, we've
no objection. Contrariwise.

Somebody's shawl been blown off.
I'm glad I happened to be in the way.

Bread-and-butter,
bread-and-butter.

Am I addressing
the White Queen?

Well yes, if you call that a-dressing.
It's not my notion of the thing at all.

If your Majesty will only tell me
the right way to begin,

I'll do it as well as I can.

I don't want it done at all.

I've been a-dressing myself
for the last two hours.

Every single thing's crooked here
and she is all over pins.

May I put your shawl
straight for you?

I don't know what's
the matter with it.

It's out of temper, I think.
I pinned it here. I pinned it there.

There's no pleasing.

It can't go straight, you know,
if you pin it all on one side like that.

Dear me,
what a state your hair is in.

The brush has got entangled in it.
And I lost the comb yesterday.

Welcome.
You look rather better now.

But really,
you should have a lady's maid.

I'm sure
I'll take you with pleasure.

Twopence a week
and jam every other day.

I don't want you to hire me
and I don't care for jam.

It's very good jam.

Well, I don't want any
today at any rate.

Well, you couldn't have
it even if you wanted it.

The rule is jam yesterday,
jam tomorrow, but never jam today.

It must come sometimes
to "jam today".

But it can't.

It's jam every other day.

And today isn't any other day,
you know.

I don't understand you.
It's dreadfully confusing.

That's the effect of living
backwards, I guess.

It always makes one
a little giddy at first.

Living backwards!
I never heard of such a thing.

There's one great
advantage in it,

that one's memory
works both ways.

I'm sure mine
only works one way.

I can't remember things
before they happen.

It's a poor sort of memory
that only works backwards.

What sort of things
do you remember best?

I remember things that
happened the week after next.

For instance, now,
take the King's Messenger.

He's in prison being punished.

And the trial doesn't even
begin until Wednesday.

And of course the crime,
well, that comes last of all.

Suppose he never
commits the crime.

Well, that would be all
the better, wouldn't it?

Well,
it would be all the better.

But it wouldn't be all the better
he's being punished for it.

You're all there, at any rate.
Were you ever punished?

Yes, but then I had done the
things I was being punished for.

That makes all the difference.

But if you hadn't done them,
that would be better still.

Better and better and better
and better and better.

There's a mistake
here somewhere.

My finger's bleeding.

What is the matter?
Have you pricked your finger?

I haven't pricked it yet,
but I soon shall.

When do I expect to do it?

When I fasten my shawl again,
the pin will come undone directly.

Take care!
You're holding it all crooked!

That accounts for the bleeding,
you see.

Now you understand
the way things happen here.

Why don't you scream now?

I've already done
all the screaming.

What would be the good
of having it all over again?

I'm glad it's getting lighter.
I thought it was the night coming on.

I wish I could manage
to be glad.

I never can remember the rule.

You must be happy here in this wood,
being glad whenever you like.

Only it's so very lonely here.

Now don't go on like that.
Consider what a great girl you are.

Consider what a long
way you've come today.

Consider what o'clock it is.
Consider anything. Only don't cry.

Can you keep from crying
by considering things?

That's the way it's done.

Nobody can do two things
at once.

Now, let's consider
your age to begin with.

- How old are you?
- I'm seven and a half exactly.

You don't have to say "exactly".
I can believe it without that.

Now I'll give you
something to believe.

I am 101,
five months and one day.

- I can't believe that.
- You can't?

We'll try again. Take a long
breath and shut your eyes.

There's no use in trying.

One can't believe
impossible things.

I daresay you haven't
had much practice.

When I was your age,
I did it a half-an-hour every day.

Sometimes, I could believe

as many as six impossible things
before breakfast.

There goes the shawl.
I got it.

Now you shall see me
pin it on again, all by myself!

I hope your finger
is better now.

Much better.
Much better.

Better, better, better,
better, better, better.

It's Humpty Dumpty himself.

It can't be anybody else.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Don't stand chattering
to yourself like that,

but tell me your name
and your business.

My name is Alice.

It's a stupid name enough.
What does it mean?

Must a name mean something?

Well, of course it must.

My name means the shape I am

and a good handsome shape
it is too.

With a name like yours,
you might be any shape almost.

- How old did you say you were?
- Seven years and six months.

Wrong.
You never said a word like it.

I thought you meant
"How old are you?"

If I'd meant that,
I'd have said that.

Seven years and six months!
An uncomfortable sort of age.

Now, you'd ask my advice,
I'd have said, "Leave off at seven."

But it's too late now.

You seem very clever
at explaining words, sir.

Perhaps you could tell me the meaning
of the poem called Jabberwocky.

Let's hear it.

I can explain all the poems
that ever were invented

and a good many that
haven't been invented just yet.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

That's enough to begin with.
There are plenty of hard words there.

"Brillig" means four o'clock
in the afternoon.

The time you begin
broiling things for dinner.

And "slithy"?

Well, "slithy" means
"lithe and slimy".

You see it's like a portmanteau.

There are two meanings
packed up into one word.

And what does "outgrabe" mean?

Well, "outgrabing" is something
between bellowing and whistling,

with a kind of a sneeze
in the middle.

However, you'll hear it done,
maybe.

And when you've once heard it,
you'll be quite content.

Is that all?

That's all. Goodbye.

Goodbye, till we meet again!

I shouldn't know you again if we did meet,
you're so exactly like other people.

Now, if you had the two eyes on the
same side of the nose, for instance,

or the mouth on top,
that would be some help.

- It wouldn't look nice.
- Wait till you've tried.

Goodbye.

Of all the unsatisfactory...

Of all the unsatisfactory
people I ever met...

Go there.

Stop.

May I help you off
with your helmet?

Now I can breathe more easily.
I wonder even better.

Thank you.

I see you're admiring
my little box.

It's my own invention
to keep clothes and sandwiches in.

You see, I carry it upside down
so that the rain can't get in.

But the things can get out.
Do you know the lid's open?

I did not know it.

All the things must have fallen out
and the box is no use without them.

Can you guess why I did that?

In hopes some bees may nest in it
and I should get the honey.

I hope you've got
your hair well fastened on.

- Only in the usual way.
- That's hardly enough.

You see the wind is so very strong
here. It's as strong as soup.

Have you invented a plan for keeping
the hair from being blown off?

Not yet. But I have a plan for
keeping hair from falling off.

I should like to hear it
very much.

Well,
first you get an upright stick.

Then you make your hair
creep up it, like a fruit-tree.

You see, the reason things fall off
is because they hang down.

Things never fall upwards,
you know.

It's a little plan of my own invention
you may try it if you like.

You look sad.

Let me sing you a song
to comfort you.

Is it very long?

It is long, but it's very,
very beautiful.

Everybody who's
heard me sing it,

either it brings tears
to their eyes or else...

Or else what?

Or else it doesn't, you know.

The song is called
"A-sitting on a Gate".

And the tune
is my own invention.

I'll tell thee everything I can
There's little too relate

I saw an aged, aged man
A-sitting on a gate

He said "I look for butterflies
That sleep among the wheat"

"I make them into mutton-pies
And sell them in the street"

But I was thinking of a way
To feed myself on batter

And so go on from day to day
Getting a little fat

He said "I hunt for haddocks' eyes
Among the heather bright

And work them into waistcoat-buttons
In the silent night

"And that's the way" (he gave a wink)
"By which I get my wealth"

"And very gladly will I drink.
Your Honour's noble health"

I thanked him much for telling me
The way he got his wealth

But chiefly for his wish that he
Might drink my noble health

And now, if e’er by chance I put
My fingers into glue

Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe

Or if I drop upon my toe
A very heavy weight

I weep, for it reminds me so
Of that old man I used to know

Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow
Whose hair was whiteer than the snow

Whose face was very like a crow
With eyes, like cinders, all aglow

Who seemed distracted with his woe
Who rocked his body to and fro

And muttered mumblingly and low
As if his mouth were full of dough

Who snorted like a buffalo

That summer evening, long ago
A-sitting on a gate

And now I must be going.

But you'll stay and see me off.

Thank you.

You'll wait and wave your handkerchief
when I get to that turn in the road?

I think it’ll encourage me,
you see.

Of course I'll wait.

And thank you for the song.
I liked it very much.

I hope so, but you didn't cry
as much as I thought you would.

I hope it encouraged him.

And now, for the Eighth Square,
and to be a Queen.

What's this on my head?

And how can it have got there
without my knowing it?

Well, this is grand.

I never expected I should
be a Queen so soon.

And if I really am a Queen, I should be
able to manage it quite well in time.

- Would you tell me, please?
- Speak when spoken to.

And what do you mean
by "If you really are a Queen"?

What right have you
to speak of yourself so?

You cannot be a Queen until
you have passed the proper examination.

And the sooner we begin it,
the better.

I only said "if".

She said, she only said if.

But she said a great deal more than
that. Ever so much more than that.

You did, you know.
Always speak the truth,

think before you speak
and write it down afterwards.

- I'm sure I didn't mean...
- That's just what I complain of.

You should have meant.

What you suppose is the
use of a child without meaning.

Even a joke should
have some meaning.

And a child is more
important than a joke, I hope.

You couldn't deny that even
if you tried with both hands.

I don't deny things
with my hands.

Nobody said you did.
I said you couldn't if you tried.

She's in that state of mind
where she wants to deny something,

only she cannot think
what to deny.

A nasty vicious temper.

I invite you to Alice's
dinner party this afternoon.

And I invite you.

I didn't know I was
to have a party at all,

but if there is to be one,
I think I ought to invite the guests.

We'd give you the opportunity
to do it,

but I daresay you have not had
many lessons in manners yet.

Manners are
not taught in lessons.

Lessons teach you to do sums
and things of that sort.

Can you do Addition?

What’s one and one and one and one
and one and one and one and one?

I don't know, I lost count.

She can't do Addition.
Can you do Subtraction?

Take a bone from a dog.
What remains?

Well, the bone wouldn't remain,
of course, if I took it.

And the dog wouldn't remain,
it would come to bite me.

And I'm sure I shouldn't remain.

Then you think
nothing would remain.

- I think that's the answer.
- Wrong.

As usual,
the dog's temper would remain.

I don't see how.
- Why, look here!

The dog would lose
its temper, wouldn't it?

Perhaps it would.

Then when the dog went away,
its temper would remain.

They might go different ways.

What dreadful
nonsense we are talking.

She can't do sums a bit.

- Can you do sums?
- I can do Addition, if you give me time.

But I cannot do Subtraction
under any circumstances.

- Of course you know your A B C?
- To be sure I do.

So do I, dear.
We'll do them together often.

And I'll tell you a secret.

I can read words of one letter,
isn't that grand?

Well, don't be discouraged.
You'll come to it in time.

Can you answer useful questions?

How do you make bread?

I know that.
You take some flour.

Where do you pick the flower?
In the garden or in the hedges?

It isn't picked at all.
It's ground.

How many acres of ground?

You mustn't leave out
so many things.

Fan her head.

She's getting feverish
with too much thinking.

She's all right again now.

- Do you know Languages?
- Yes.

What’s the French
for fiddle-de-dee?

- Fiddle-de-dee’s not English.
- Who ever said it was?

Well, if you'll tell me what
language "fiddle-de-dee" is,

I'll tell you the French for it.

Queens never make bargains.

I wish Queens never
asked questions.

Don't let us quarrel.
What is the cause of lightning?

The cause of lightning
is the thunder.

No, I mean the other way!

It's too late to correct it now.

When you have said a thing, that fixes
it, and you must take the consequences.

That reminds me, we had
such a thunderstorm last Tuesday.

The last set of Tuesdays,
I mean.

In our country,
we only have one day at a time.

That's a poor thin way
of doing things.

Now here, we mostly have days
and nights, two and three at a time.

Sometimes in the winter, we take
as many as five nights together.

For the warmth, you know.

Are five nights warmer
than one night, then?

Five times as warm.

It was such a storm
that I can't think.

Your Majesty must forgive her.

She means well.

She can't help saying foolish
things as a general rule.

She really was never
well brought up.

But it’s amazing
how good-tempered she is!

Pat her on the head,
see how pleased she’ll be!

A little kindness
and putting her hair in papers

will do wonders for her.

I'm so sleepy.

Poor thing.

Smooth her hair,

lend her your nightcap,
and sing her a soothing lullaby.

I haven't got a nightcap with me,
and I don't know any lullabies.

I must do it myself, then.

Hush-a-by lady, in Alice’s lap

Till the feast’s ready
We’ve time for a nap

When the feast’s over
We’ll go to the ball

Red Queen, and White Queen
And Alice, and all!

Now you know the words,

you just sing it to me.

I'm getting sleepy too.

What am I to do?

Do wake up, you heavy things.

Which bell must I ring?

I'm not a visitor
and I'm not a servant.

There ought to be one
marked "Queen", you know.

Now we'll all
drink to your health.

To Queen Alice's health.

To Queen Alice's health.

You ought to return
thanks in a neat speech.

We have to support you,
you know.

I rise to return thanks.

I rise to return thanks.

Faster.
Faster.

Take care of yourself!
Something’s going to happen!

I can’t stand this any longer!

On stage, please.
Curtain going up.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!"

"Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand
Long time the manxome foe he sough

So rested he by the Tumtum tree
And stood awhile in thought

And, as in uffish thought he stood
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!"

"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves
And the mome raths outgrabe

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