Great Performances (1971–…): Season 27, Episode 3 - Cats - full transcript

Are you blind when you're born?

Can you see in the dark?

Can you look at a king?
Would you sit on his throne?

Can you say of your bite
That it's worse than your bark?

Are you cock of the walk

When you're walking alone?

Because Jellicles are
And Jellicles do

Jellicles do and Jellicles would

Jellicles would and Jellicles can

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

When you fall on your head
Do you land on your feet?



Are you tense when you sense
There's a storm in the air?

Can you find your way blind
When you're lost in the street?

Do you know how to go
To the Heaviside Layer?

Because Jellicles can
And Jellicles do

Jellicles do and Jellicles can

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicles do and Jellicles can

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Can you ride on a broomstick
To places far distant?

Familiar with candle

Were you Whittington's friend?
The Pied Piper's assistant?

Have you been an alumnus

Are you mean like a minx?
Are you lean like a lynx?

Are you keen to be seen
When you're smelling a rat?



Were you there when the pharaohs
Commissioned the Sphinx?

If you were, and you are
You're a Jellicle Cat

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats
Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

We can dive through the air

Like a flying trapeze

We can turn double somersaults
Bounce on a tyre

We can run up a wall
We can swing through the trees

We can balance on bars
We can walk on a wire

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Can you sing at the same time
In more than one key

Duets by Rossini
And waltzes by Strauss?

And can you, as cats do
Begin with a "c"?

That always triumphantly
Brings down the house

Jellicle Cats
Are queens of the night

Singing at astronomical heights

Handling pieces from The Messiah

Hallelujah, angelical choir

Jellicle Cats
Are queens of the night

Singing at astronomical heights

Handling pieces from The Messiah

Hallelujah, angelical choir

The mystical divinity

Of unashamed felinity

Round the cathedral

Rang vivat

Life to the everlasting cat

Feline, fearless

Faithful and true

To others who do what

Jellicles do and Jellicles can

Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Jellicle Cats sing Jellicle Chants

Jellicles old and Jellicles new

Jellicle Song and Jellicle dance

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Practical cats, dramatical cats

Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats

Oratorical cats,
Delphic-Oracle cats

Sceptical cats, dyspeptical cats

Romantical cats, pedantical cats

Critical and parasitical cats

Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats

Statistical cats and mystical cats

Political cats, hypocritical cats

Clerical cats, hysterical cats

Cynical cats, rabbinical cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats
Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats

There's a man over there
With a look of surprise

As much as to say
Well, now, how about that?

Do I actually see
With my own very eyes

A man who's not heard
Of a Jellicle Cat?

What's a Jellicle Cat?

What's a Jellicle Cat?

What's a Jellicle Cat?

The naming of cats
Is a difficult matter

It isn't just one
Of your holiday games

You may think at first
I'm as mad as a hatter

When I tell you a cat
Must have three different names

First of all there's the name
That the family use daily

Such as Peter, Augustus
Alonzo or James

Such as Victor or Jonathan
George or Bill Bailey

All of them
Sensible, everyday names

There are fancier names
If you think they sound sweeter

Some for the gentlemen
Some for the dames

Such as Plato, Admetus
Electra, Demeter

But all of them sensible
Everyday names

But I tell you, a cat
Needs a name that's particular

A name that's peculiar
And more dignified

Else how can he keep up
His tail perpendicular

Or spread out his whiskers
Or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind
I can give you a quorum

Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo
Or Coricopat

Such as Bombalurina
Or else, Jellylorum

Names that never belong
To more than one cat

But above and beyond
There's still one name left over

And that is the name
That you never will guess

The name that no human research
Can discover

But the cat himself knows
And will never confess

When you notice a cat
In profound meditation

The reason, I tell you,
Is always the same

His mind is engaged
In a rapt contemplation

Of the thought, of the thought

Of the thought of his name

His ineffable

Effable

Effanineffable

Deep and inscrutable

Singular

Name... Name... Name... Name...

Jellicle Cats come out tonight

Jellicle Cats come one, come all

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright

Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball

Jellicle Cats come out tonight

Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball

Jellicle Cats meet once a year

At the Jellicle Ball
Where we all rejoice

And the Jellicle Leader
Will soon appear

And make what is known
As the Jellicle Choice

When Old Deuteronomy
Just before dawn

Through a silence you feel
You could cut with a knife

Announces the cat
Who can now be reborn

And come back to a different
Jellicle Life

For waiting up there
Is the Heaviside Layer

Full of wonders
One Jellicle only will see

And Jellicles ask
Because Jellicles dare

Who will it be?
Who will it be?

I have a Gumbie Cat in mind

Her name is Jennyanydots

Her coat is of the tabby kind

With tiger stripes
And leopard spots

All day she sits beneath the stair

Or on the steps or on the mat

She sits and sits and sits and sits

And that's what makes a Gumbie Cat

That's what makes a Gumbie Cat

But when the day's hustle
And bustle is done

Then the Gumbie Cat's work
Is but hardly begun

And when all the family's
In bed and asleep

She tucks up her skirts
To the basement to creep

She is deeply concerned
With the ways of the mice

Their behaviour's not good
And their manners not nice

So when she has got them
Lined up on the matting

She teaches them
Music, crocheting and tatting

I have a Gumbie Cat in mind

Her name is Jennyanydots

The curtain cord she likes to wind

And tie it into sailor knots

She sits upon the window-sill

Or anything that's smooth and flat

She sits and sits and sits and sits

And that's what makes a Gumbie Cat

That's what makes a Gumbie Cat

But when the day's hustle
And bustle is done

Then the Gumbie Cat's work
Is but hardly begun

She thinks that the cockroaches
Just need employment

To prevent them from
Idle and wanton destroyment

So she's formed from that lot
Of disorderly louts

A troop of well-disciplined
Helpful boy scouts

With a purpose in life
And a good deed to do

And she's even created

A beetles tattoo!

( Rule Britannia )

Squad salute!

For she's
A jolly good fellow...

Thank you, my dears

Miaow

Miaow

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

If you offer me pheasant
I'd rather have grouse

If you put me in a house
I would much prefer a flat

If you put me in a flat
Then I'd rather have a house

If you set me on a mouse
Then I only want a rat

If you set me on a rat
Then I'd rather chase a mouse

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

And there isn't any call
For me to shout it

For he will do as he do do

And there's no doing anything
About it

The Rum Tum Tugger
Is a terrible bore

When you let me in
Then I want to go out

I'm always on the wrong side
Of every door

And as soon as I get home
Then I'd like to get about

I like to lie in a bureau drawer

But I make such a fuss
If I can't get out

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

And there isn't any use
For you to doubt it

For he will do as he do do

And there's no doing
Anything about it

The Rum Tum Tugger
Is a curious beast

My disobliging ways
Are a matter of habit

Now if you offer me fish
Then I always want a feast

And if there isn't any fish
Then I won't eat rabbit

If you offer me cream
Then I sniff and sneer

For I only like
What I find for myself... No

So you catch me in it up to my ears
And put it on the larder shelf

The Rum Tum Tugger
Is artful and knowing

The Rum Tum Tugger
Doesn't care for a cuddle

So I'll on up into your sewing

Cos there's nothing
I enjoy like a horrible muddle

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

The Rum Tum Tugger
Doesn't care for a cuddle

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

And there isn't any need
For me to spout it

For he will do as he do do

And there's no

Doing anything

About...

(Miaowing)

About...

(Miaowing)

About...

(Screaming)

About it

Remark the cat

Who hesitates towards you

In the light of the dawn

Which opens on her

Like a grin

You see the border
Of her coat is torn

And stained with sand

And you see the corner of her eye

Twist like a crooked pin

She haunted many a low resort

Near the grimy road
Of Tottenham Court

She flitted about the no man's land

From The Rising Sun
To The Friend at Hand

And the postman sighed
As he scratched his head

You'd really have thought
She'd ought to be dead

And who would ever suppose

That that

Was Grizabella

The Glamour Cat?

Grizabella the Glamour Cat

Grizabella the Glamour Cat

Who would have ever supposed

That that

Was Grizabella

The Glamour Cat?

Bustopher Jones
Is not skin and bones

In fact, he's remarkably fat

He doesn't haunt pubs
He has eight or nine clubs

For he's the St James's Street Cat

He's the cat we all greet
As he walks down the street

In his coat of fastidious black

No commonplace mousers
Have such well-cut trousers

Or such an impeccable back

In the whole of St James's
The smartest of names is

The name of this Brummell of cats

And we're all of us proud
To be nodded or bowed to

By Bustopher Jones in white spats

In the whole of St James's
The smartest of names is

The name of this Brummell of cats

And we're all of us proud
To be nodded or bowed to

By Bustopher Jones
In white spats

My visits are occasional
To the Senior Educational

And it is against the rules

For any one cat
To belong both to that

And the Joint Superior Schools

For a similar reason
When game is in season

I'm found not at Fox's, but Blimp's

I am frequently seen
At the gay Stage and Screen

Which is famous
For winkles and shrimps

In the season of venison
I give my ben'son

To the Pothunter's succulent bones

And just before noon's
Not a moment too soon

To drop in for a drink

At the Drones

When I'm seen in a hurry
There's probably curry

At the Siamese or at the Glutton

If I look full of gloom
Then I've lunched at the Tomb

On cabbage, rice pudding

And mutton

In the whole of St James's
The smartest of names is

The name of this Brummell of cats

And we're all of us proud
To be nodded or bowed to

By Bustopher Jones in white

Bustopher Jones in white

Bustopher Jones in white spats

So much in this way
Passes Bustopher's day

At one club or another he's found

It can be no surprise
That under our eyes

He has grown unmistakably round

He's a twenty-five pounder
Or I am a bounder

And he's putting on weight
Every day

But I'm so well-preserved
Because I've observed

All me life a routine, and I'd say

I am still in me prime
I shall last out me time

That's the word
From this stoutest of cats

It must and it shall
Be spring in Pall Mall

While Bustopher Jones wears white

Bustopher Jones wears white

Bustopher Jones
Wears white spats

Toodlepip!

(Thunder rolls)

(Police siren )

Macavity!

(Car brakes screech)

(Car accelerates away )

- (Woman laughs )
- Shh!

(Woman laughs )

Mungojerrie
And Rumpleteazer

We're a notorious couple of cats

As knockabout clowns
Quick-change comedians

Tightrope walkers and acrobats

We have an extensive reputation

We make our home in Victoria Grove

This is merely our centre
Of operation

For we are incurably given to rove

When the family assembles
For Sunday dinner

Their minds made up
That they won't get thinner

On Argentine joint
Potatoes and greens

And the cook would appear
From behind the scenes

And say in a voice
That is broken with sorrow

"I'm afraid you must wait
And have dinner tomorrow

"The joint has gone
From the oven like that!"

Then the family will say
"It's that horrible cat!

"Was it Mungojerrie
Or Rumpleteazer!"

And most of the time
They leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer

Have a wonderful way
Of working together

And some of the time
You would say it was luck

And some of the time
You would say it was weather

We'd go through the house
Like a hurricane

And no sober person
Could take his oath

Was it Mungojerrie
Or Rumpleteazer?

Or could you have sworn
That it might have been both?

And when you hear
A dining room smash

Or up from the pantry
There comes a loud crash

Or down from the library
Came a loud ping

From a vase which was commonly

Said to be Ming

Then the family will say
"Now which was which cat?"

It was Mungojerrie

And Rumpleteazer

And there's nothing at all
To be done about that

And there's nothing at all
To be done about that

Old Deuteronomy?

I believe it is Old Deuteronomy

Well, of all things

Can it be really?

Yes! No! Ho! Hi!
My eye!

My mind may be wandering
But I confess

I believe it is Old Deuteronomy

Old Deuteronomy's lived a long time

He's a cat who has lived
Many lives in succession

He was famous in proverb
And famous in rhyme

A long while before
Queen Victoria's accession

Old Deuteronomy's buried nine wives

And more - I am tempted
To say ninety-nine

And his numerous progeny
Prospers and thrives

And the village is proud of him
In his decline

At the sight of that placid
And bland physiognomy

When he sits in the sun

On the vicarage wall

The oldest inhabitant croaks

Well, of all things

Can it be really?

Yes! No! Ho! Hi!
My eye!

My mind may be wandering
But I confess

I believe it is Old Deuteronomy

Well, of all things

Can it be really?

Yes! No! Ho! Hi!
My eye!

My mind may be wandering
But I confess

I believe it is Old Deuteronomy

Well, of all things
Can it be really?

Yes! No! Ho! Hi!
My eye!

My mind may be wandering
But I confess

I believe it is Old Deuteronomy

Well, of all things

Can it be really?

Yes! No! Ho! Hi!
My eye!

My legs may be tottery
And I must go slow

And be careful

Of Old Deuteronomy

Jellicle Cats meet once a year

On the night we make
The Jellicle Choice

And now that the
Jellicle Leader is here

Jellicle Cats can all rejoice

Of the awe-full battle of the Pekes
And the Pollicles

Together with some account

Of the participation
Of the Pugs and the Poms

And the intervention

Of the Great

Rumpus Cat

The Pekes and the Pollicles
Everyone knows

Are proud and implacable
Passionate foes

It is always the same
Wherever one goes

And the Pugs and the Poms
Are the most people say

That they do not like fighting
Yet once in a way

They now and again
Join into the fray, and they

Bark
Bark

Bark
Bark

Until you can hear them
All over the park

Now, on the occasion
Of which I shall speak

Almost nothing had happened
For nearly a week

The big Police Dog
Was away from his beat

I don't know the reason
But most people think

He slipped into the
Wellington Arms for a drink

And no one at all
Was about on the street

When a Peke and a Pollicle
Happened to meet

They did not advance
Or exactly retreat

But they glared at each other
And scraped their hind feet

And started to
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them
All over the park

And they'd
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them
All over the park

Now, the Peke, although people
May say what they please

Is no British dog
But a heathen Chinese

And so all the Pekes
When they heard the uproar

Some came to the window
Some came to the door

There were surely a dozen
More likely a score

And together they started
To grumble and wheeze

In their huffery-snuffery
Heathen Chinese

But a terrible din
Is what Pollicles like

For your Pollicle dog
Is a dour Yorkshire tyke

There are dogs out of every nation
The Irish, the Welsh and the Dane

The Russian, Dutch and Dalmatian
And even from China and Spain

From the Poodle, the Pom
The Alsatian

And the Mastiff
Who walks on a chain

And to those that are frisky
And frolicle

That my meaning be perfectly plain

That my name is Little Tom Pollicle
And you better not do it again

And his braw Scottish cousins
Are snappers and biters

And every dog-jack of them
Notable fighters

And so they stepped out
With their pipers in order

Playin' When the Blue Bonnets
Come Over the Border

Then the Pugs and the Poms
Held no longer aloof

But some from the balcony
Some from the roof

Joined into the din with a
Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark

Until you could hear them
All over the park

Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuffery

Huffery-snuffery, huffery-snuff

Until you could hear them
All over the park

Now!

When these bold heroes
Together assembled

The traffic all stopped
And the Underground trembled

And some of the neighbours
Were so much afraid

That they started to ring up
The fire brigade

When suddenly up
From a small basement flat

Why, who should stalk out

But the Great Rumpus Cat?

His eyes were like fireballs

Fearfully blazing

He gave a great yawn

And his jaws were amazing

And when he looked out
Through the bars of the area

You never saw anything

Fiercer

Or hairier

And what with the glare
Of his eyes and his yawning

The Pekes and the Pollicles
Quickly took warning

He looked to the sky
And he gave a great leap

And they every last one of them
Scattered like sheep

And when the Police Dog
Returned to his beat

There wasn't a single one
Left on the street

All hail and all bow to

The Great Rumpus Cat

Jellicle Cats and dogs all must

Pollicle Dogs and cats all must

Like undertakers, come to dust

(Thunder rolls)

Macavity!

Jellicle Cats come out tonight

Jellicle Cats, come one, come all

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright

Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball

Jellicle Cats are black and white

Jellicle Cats are rather small

Jellicle Cats are merry and bright

And pleasant to hear
When we caterwaul

Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces

Jellicle Cats
Have bright black eyes

We like to practise
Our airs and graces

And wait for the Jellicle Moon
to rise

Jellicle Cats develop slowly

Jellicle Cats are not too big

Jellicle Cats are roly-poly

We know how to dance
A gavotte and a jig

Until the Jellicle Moon appears

We make our toilette
And take our repose

Jellicles wash behind their ears

Jellicles dry between their toes

Jellicle Cats are white and black

Jellicle Cats are of moderate size

Jellicles jump like a jumping jack

Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes

We're quiet enough
In the morning hours

We're quiet enough
In the afternoon

Reserving our terpsichorean powers

To dance by the light
Of the Jellicle Moon

Jellicle Cats are black
And white

Jellicle Cats,
As we said, are small

If it happens to be a stormy night

We will practise a caper
Or two in the hall

If it happens the sun
Is shining bright

You would say we had
Nothing to do at all

We are resting and saving
Ourselves to be right

For the Jellicle Moon
And the Jellicle Ball

Jellicle Cats come out tonight

Jellicle Cats, come one, come all

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright

Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball

Jellicle Cats come out tonight

Jellicle Cats, come one, come all

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright

Jellicles come
To the Jellicle Ball...

(Music stops abruptly)

You see the border of her coat

Is torn and stained with sand

And you see

The corner of her eye

Twist like a crooked pin

Midnight

Not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone

In the lamplight

The withered leaves
Collect at my feet

And the wind

Begins to moan

Every street lamp

Seems to beat

A fatalistic warning

Someone mutters

And the street lamp gutters

And soon it will be morning

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew

What happiness was

Let the memory

Live again

The moments of happiness

We had the experience

But missed the meaning

And approach to the meaning

Restores the experience
In a different form

Beyond any meaning

We can assign to happiness

The past experience

Revived in the meaning

Is not the experience

Of one life only

But of many generations

Not forgetting

Something that is

Probably quite ineffable

Moonlight

Turn your face to the moonlight

Let your memory lead you

Open up, enter in

If you find there

The meaning of what happiness is

Then a new life

Will begin

Moonlight

Turn your face to the moonlight

Let your memory lead you

Open up, enter in

If you find there

The meaning of what happiness is

Then a new life

Will begin

Gus is the cat
At the theatre door

His name, as I ought to
Have told you before

Is really Asparagus

But that's such a fuss to pronounce

That we usually call him just Gus

His coat's very shabby
He's thin as a rake

And he suffers from palsy
That makes his paws shake

Yet he was in his youth
Quite the smartest of cats

But no longer a terror
To mice or to rats

For he isn't the cat
That he was in his prime

Though his name was quite famous,
He says, in his time

And whenever he joins
His friends at their club

Which takes place at the back
Of the neighbouring pub

He loves to regale them
If someone else pays

With anecdotes drawn
From his palmiest days

For he once was a star
Of the highest degree

He has acted with Irving
He has acted with tree

And he likes to relate
His success on the halls

Where the gallery once gave him

Seven cat calls

But his grandest creation

As he loves to tell

Was Firefrorefiddle

The Fiend of the Fell

I have played in my time

Every possible part

And I used to know seventy
Speeches by heart

I'd extemporise backchat

I knew how to gag

And I knew how to let the cat
Out of the bag

I knew how to act
With my back and my tail

With an hour of rehearsal
I never could fail

I'd a voice that would soften
The hardest of hearts

Whether I took the lead
Or in character parts

I have sat by the bedside
Of poor little Nell

When the curfew was rung
Then I swung on the bell

In the pantomime season
I never fell flat

And I once understudied
Dick Whittington's Cat

But my grandest creation

As history will tell

Was Firefrorefiddle

The Fiend of the Fell

Then if someone will give him
A toothful of gin

He will tell how he once played
A part in East Lynne

At a Shakespeare performance
He once walked on pat

When some actor suggested
The need for a cat

And I say that these kittens
They do not get trained

As we did in the days
When Victoria reigned

They never get drilled
In a regular troupe

And they think they are smart
Just to jump through a hoop

And he says as he scratches himself
With his claws

Well, the theatre is certainly
Not what it was

These modern productions
Are all very well

But there's nothing to equal
From what I hear tell

That moment of mystery

When I made history

As Firefrorefiddle

The Fiend of the Fell...

(Music fades away, ghostly wind)

These modern productions

Are all very well

But there's nothing to equal

From what I hear tell

That moment of mystery

When I made...

Skimbleshanks
The Railway Cat

The cat of the railway train

There's a whisper down the line
At eleven thirty-nine

When the Night Mail's
Ready to depart

Saying Skimble, where is Skimble?
Has he gone to hunt the thimble?

We must find him
Or the train can't start

All the guards and all the porters
And the stationmaster's daughters

Would be searching high and low

Saying, "Skimble, where is Skimble?
For unless he's very nimble

"Then the Night Mail just can't go"

At eleven forty-two
With the signal overdue

And the passengers
All frantic to a man

That's when I would appear
And I'd saunter to the rear

I'd been busy in the luggage van

Then he gave one flash
Of his glass-green eyes

And the signal went all clear

They'd be off at last
For the northern part

Of the northern hemisphere

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat

The cat of the railway train

You could say that by and large
It was me who was in charge

Of the Sleeping Car Express

From the driver and the guards
To the bagmen playing cards

I'd supervise them all
More or less

Down the corridor he paces
And examines all the faces

Of the travellers
In the First and the Third

He establishes control
By a regular patrol

And he'd know at once
If anything occurred

He would watch you without winking
And he saw what you were thinking

And it's certain
That he didn't approve

Of hilarity and riot
So that folk were very quiet

When Skimble was about
And on the move

You could play no pranks
With Skimbleshanks

He's a cat that cannot be ignored

So nothing went wrong
On the Northern Mail

When Skimbleshanks was aboard

It was very pleasant
When they found their little den

With their name
Written up on the door

And the berth was very neat
With a newly folded sheet

And not a speck of dust
On the floor

There was every sort of light
You could make it dark or bright

And a button you could turn
To make a breeze

And a funny little basin
You're supposed to wash your face in

And a crank to shut
The window should you sneeze

Then the guard looked in politely
And would ask you very brightly

Do you like your morning tea
Weak or strong?

But I was just behind him
And was ready to remind him

For Skimble won't let
Anything go wrong

When they crept into
Their cosy berths

And pulled down the counterpane

They ought to reflect
It was very nice

To know that they wouldn't
Be bothered by mice

They would leave all that
To the Railway Cat

The cat of the railway train

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat

The cat of the railway train

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat

The cat of the railway train

In the watches of the night
I was always fresh and bright

Every now and then
I'd have a cup of tea

With perhaps a drop of Scotch
When I was keeping on the watch

Only stopping here and there
To catch a flea

They were fast asleep at Crewe
And so they never knew

That I was walking
Up and down the station

They were sleeping all the while
I was busy at Carlisle

Where I met the station master
With elation

They might see me at Dumfries
If I summoned the police

If there was anything
They ought to know about

When they got to Gallowgate
There they did not have to wait

For Skimbleshanks will help them
To get out

And he

Gives you a wave
Of his long brown tail

Which says I'll see you again

You will meet without fail
On the midnight mail

The cat of the railway train

The cat of the railway

Train

(Crashing and banging)

(Sinister laughter)

(Crash)

Macavity!

(Laughing)

Macavity's a mystery cat

He's called the Hidden Paw

For he's the master criminal

Who can defy the law

He's the bafflement
Of Scotland Yard

The Flying Squad's despair

For when they reach
The scene of crime

Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity
There's no one like Macavity

He's broken every human law

He breaks the law of gravity

His powers of levitation

Would make a fakir stare

And when you reach
the scene of crime

Macavity's not there

You may seek him in the basement

You may look up in the air

But I tell you once and once again
Macavity's not there!

Macavity's a ginger cat

He's very tall and thin

You would know him if you saw him

For his eyes are sunken in

His brow is deeply
Lined with thought

His head is highly domed

His coat is dusty from neglect

His whiskers are uncombed

He sways his head from side to side

With movements like a snake

And when you think he's half asleep

He's always wide awake

Macavity, Macavity
There's no one like Macavity

For he's a fiend in feline shape

A monster of depravity

You may meet him in a by-street

You may see him in the square

But when a crime's discovered
Then Macavity's not there

He's outwardly respectable

I know he cheats at cards

And his footprints are not found in

Any files of Scotland Yard's

And when the larder's looted

Or the jewel case is rifled

Or when the milk is missing

Or another Peke's been stifled

Or the greenhouse glass is broken

And the trellis past repair

There's the wonder of the thing
Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity
There's no one like Macavity

There never was a cat

Of such deceitfulness and suavity

He always has an alibi

And one or two to spare

Whatever time the deed took place
Macavity wasn't there

And they say that all the cats

Whose wicked deeds are widely known

I might mention Mungojerrie

I might mention Griddlebone

Are nothing more than agents

For the cat who all the time

Just controls the operations

The Napoleon of Crime!

Macavity, Macavity
There's no one like Macavity

He's a fiend in feline shape

A monster of depravity

You may meet him in a by-street

You may see him in the square

But when a crime's discovered
Then Macavity

Macavity

Macavity

Macavity

When a crime's discovered
Then Macavity's not there

(Music stops abruptly)

(Sinister laughter)

(Cats ) Macavity!

(Cats whisper) Macavity's not there.

We have to find

Old Deuteronomy

You ought to ask
Magical Mr Mistoffelees

The original Conjuring Cat
There can be no doubt about that

Please listen to me
And don't scoff

All his inventions
Are off his own bat

There's no such cat in the metropolis
He holds all the patent monopolies

For performing surprising illusions

And creating eccentric confusions

The greatest magicians
Have something to learn

From Mr Mistoffelees'
Conjuring turn

And we all say

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

He is quiet, he is small,
He is black

From his ears
To the tip of his tail

He can creep
Through the tiniest crack

He can walk on the narrowest rail

He can pick any card from the pack

He's equally cunning with dice

He's always deceiving you
Into believing

That he's only hunting for mice

He can play any trick with a cork

Or a spoon and a bit of fish paste

If you look for a knife or a fork

And you think
That it's merely misplaced

You have seen it one moment
But then it is gone

But you find it next week
Laying out on the lawn

And we all say

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees
Presto!

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

His manner is vague and aloof

And you would think
There was nobody shyer

But his voice can be
Heard on the roof

While he was curled up by the fire

And he's sometimes
Been heard by the fire

While he was about on the roof

At least we all heard
That somebody purred

Which is incontestable proof

Of his singular magical powers

And I've known the family to call

Him in from the garden for hours

While he was asleep in the hall

And not long ago
This phenomenal cat

Produced seven kittens

Right out of a hat

And we all say

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees...

(Laughter)

Magical!

And not long ago,
This phenomenal cat

Produced seven kittens

Right out of a hat...

(Drum roll)

(Drum roll)

(Cats gasp )

And we all say

Well, I never

Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees...

Mystical!

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever...

Magical! Mystical!

Well, I never
Was there ever a cat so clever

As magical Mr Mistoffelees

I give you the magical...

The marvellous... Mr Mistoffelees!

Daylight

See the dew on a sunflower

And a rose that is fading

Roses wither away

Like the sunflower

I yearn to turn my face to the dawn

I am waiting

For the day...

Now Old Deuteronomy

Just before dawn

Through a silence you feel
You could cut with a knife

Announces the cat
Who can now be reborn

And come back to a different
Jellicle Life

Memory

Turn your face to the moonlight

Let your memory lead you

Open up, enter in

If you find there

The meaning of what happiness is

Then a new life

Will begin

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember

A time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory

Live again

Burnt out ends of smoky days

The stale cold smell

Of morning

The street lamp dies

Another night is over

Another day

Is dawning

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of the new life

And I mustn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory, too

And the new day

Will begin

Sunlight through the trees
In summer

Endless masquerading

Like a flower
As the dawn is breaking

The memory

Is fading

Touch me

It's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me

You'll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day

Has begun

Up up up
Past the Russell Hotel

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

Up up up
Past the Russell Hotel

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

Up up up
Past the Russell Hotel

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

Up up up
Past the Russell Hotel

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

Up up up
Past the Jellicle Moon

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

Up up up
Past the Jellicle Moon

Up up up up
To the Heaviside Layer

The mystical divinity

Of unashamed felinity

Round the cathedral

Rang vivat

Life to

The everlasting

Cat

You've heard of
Several kinds of cat

And my opinion now is that

You should need no interpreter

To understand our character

You've learned enough
To take the view

That cats are very much like you

You've seen us both
At work and games

And learnt about our proper names

Our habits and our habitat

But how would you

Address a cat?

So first

Your memory I'll jog

And say a cat

Is not a dog

So first

Your memory I'll jog

And say a cat

Is not a dog

With cats

Some say one rule is true

Don't speak till you

Are spoken to

Myself, I do not hold with that

I say you should address a cat

But always keep in mind that he

Resents familiarity

You bow

And taking off your hat

Address him in

This form

"Cat!"

Before a cat will condescend

To treat you as a trusted friend

Some little token of esteem

Is needed, like a dish of cream

And you might now and then supply

Some caviar or Strassburg Pie

Some potted grouse or salmon paste

He's sure to have
His personal taste

And so in time you reach your aim

And call him

By his name

A cat's entitled to expect

These evidences of respect

So this is this

And that is that

And there's how you address a cat

A cat's entitled to expect

These evidences of respect

So this is this

And that is that

And there's how you address

A Cat