Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Roomies - full transcript

"Roomies"? "Roomies"?

Who seem to feel we owe them 'cause
our toilet blew up their house.

We should find out why, right?

Unless we want all our
customers living with us.

But that doesn't give them the right
to use our house like a beach hotel.

They'll come to their senses after
a week of over-priced pancakes.

Gotta get them out before
they change into soft pants.

- Once those are cinched...
- Send them to a real hotel.

And pay with what?

My credit cards don't
work, yours never work.

Not like we can use the money
in the freezer...



Shit. The money in the freezer.

We gotta get it out.

Why would they look for
money in our freezer?

Because you told them to.

If they find it, they'll
say we can't spend it.

Or worse, want it
for their new floors.

As if they need floors.

What are they, feet?

- Could have been worse, Sol.
- Really?

Right now, I'm wishing we took the
cruise where everyone got botulism.

I'm saying I'm okay with all
this because I'm here with you.

And maybe it's a chance
for us to... connect.

It's been a while.

Are you really
bringing this up now?



Our floors are waterlogged.

We may be facing
mold, for God's sake.

But we're in a romantic place.

There is no chance for romance
in our ex-wives' house.

Didn't stop us before.

I know we're in a rush, but
quick feelings check-in.

I'm feeling irritated with
your feelings check-ins.

- What about Nick?
- I'm mortified.

I went from being a woman who
didn't know her husband was gay

to being a woman who didn't
know her husband was a criminal.

Not sure it's an upgrade.

Well, next time, just marry a gay
criminal and check off all the boxes.

What's going on with your box?
Where's the rest of the money?

Well, jeez, Grace, you never
hide all the loot in one spot.

I hid it in four places.

And I've got a simple system
to remember where they are.

Each stash is named
after the Beatle

most associated with
his hiding place.

Paul: Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks.

Brilliant? I think so.

And how stoned were you
when you came up with this?

- I thought my hand was see-through.
- Frankie!

Uh, she's not here!

Yeah. What...?

What the hell do
you want now, Sol?

And pancakes are 4 bucks.

Eyes up here, pal.

Uh...

Hello?

This is Agent Karin
Fenmore with the FBI again.

Mrs. Skolka, we'd
like to talk to you.

Why in God's name would
the FBI wanna talk to you?

Okay, quick update: Nick
got arrested and is in jail.

Grace got humiliated and is back here,
and how do we feel about Thai tonight?

- What?
- We just had Thai.

Wait, what's this about Nick?

Brianna, I understand how
me being your supervisor

is going to be weird,
to say the least.

Not as weird as that time I
saw you tanning your butthole

but still weird.

I'll be going back and forth to
headquarters in San Francisco.

But when I'm here, I'm
going to need a real desk.

We'll have to share Adam,
and most importantly,

I'm going to need the respect
that my new position calls for.

Am I making myself clear?

Oh. You're still here.

Did you at least
bring me a muffin?

I am not your muffin
girl, Brianna.

I'm your supervisor.

But, yes, I brought
you a muffin.

Okay.

Is there something
you wanna say?

You know...

Brianna...

- Because...
- Oh, my God, this is taking so long.

Shoo. I have work to do.

Good morning.

And for our first day
in upside-down world,

- things look the same.
- I'm assuming you have a purpose.

I don't think you
can assume that.

But I need to have
these papers signed

- by Mallory.
- I get to sign something? Fun!

Bring them here, please?

Do it. See what happens.

Do you feel lucky?

No.

This is not my first
rodeo. I'll do the talking.

But we want to talk to you.

That won't stop her.

Mrs. Skolka, we came back to
seize the rest of Nick's assets

and found that the couch
had been ripped up.

And it concerned us because sometimes
things are hidden in couches.

You mean like candies and such?

More like cash.

Didn't Frankie mention something
about money in the freezer?

Do you know anything about
the couch, Mrs. Skolka?

I know I
really hated it.

You can imagine how I felt
about Nick at that moment.

You took out your anger
at your husband on your couch?

No, I took out her anger at
her husband on her couch.

Sure feels like
your first rodeo.

I was doing her emotional work.

And, yes, it's a way of subtly
robbing her of her feelings,

and that's on me.

I think we're done here, Karin.
Good to meet you, Mount Rushmore.

My problem here is that you two
were the only ones in that apartment.

Okay, Karin, I know
where you're going.

I'm there, and I'm on
my way back. You see?

Nobody sees.

I'm saying we have
nothing to hide.

So you won't mind if Rushmore
and I take a look around.

Actually, I mind.

There's a little thing I
call "civil liberties."

Everyone calls it that.

And what that means is,

you don't treat the wife
of the alleged criminal

- as if she too were a criminal.
- I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm her ex-husband.

And, yes, Grace can be
harsh and often vindictive.

Lord knows she's had low
moments, mostly due to drink.

Uh, is this gonna turn
around soon, Robert?

But she's a woman of principle.

And she would never
lie to law enforcement.

And my ex-wife is also
a woman of principle.

She might lie to law enforcement

but only for a good reason.

Neither of them is gonna
speak at our funerals.

Look, Karin, I'm a lawyer, and
I've got you on unlawful search,

witness harassment, and
I'm just getting started.

Might as well leave now

because you're not turning
over one cushion in this house,

today, nor next
week, or next ever.

We'll get a search warrant.

Okay, then, well, we'll see
you tomorrow. How's 10:00?

Rushmore?

You're up early, right?

Uh, perhaps we should show
these nice agents out.

Actually, I like to sleep in.

Thanks for coming by.

God, that was too
close for comfort.

At least we
got them off our trail.

They're coming back tomorrow.

And I'll handle the
money from now on.

Gotta get it to a safe place,
then get it out of here.

What's a safe place with
Sol and Robert around?

The safe. In my bedroom.

That they don't know
the combination to.

I'll get the rest of the dough.

Oh, no. No, no.

You have a system so you
remember where they are.

Grace, I don't wanna kick
you when you're down,

but you probably shouldn't
have put me in charge of that.

Didn't you used to yell at the kids
for scrounging through the cereal

to get the prize?

Prizes have gotten... better.

Grace, I am really sorry
to hear about Nick.

Well, I'm really sorry
you heard about it too.

- And can we not talk about it?
- Hey,

if you ever need someone to
not talk to, I'm your man.

It's just

you deserve better
husbands than you've had.

Thank you.

Are you gonna take
your hand out?

- No.
- All right.

We don't need to talk
about that either.

Oh, wait a minute.
What are you doing?

I've been ravenous lately
and I don't know why.

Yes! We have all the fixings here for
a spaghetti and meatball sandwich.

No. You'll ruin your
appetite for dinner.

Trust me, I'll rally.

Oh, my sweet Lord, George
has to be in here somewhere.

Oh, Sol.

Why do you keep
walking into rooms?

Because I'm ambulatory
and curious.

- What are you looking for?
- Solitude.

I'm on to you, Frankie.

What? To what are you referring?

You gave us the room with the
twin beds instead of the queen

so we'd be uncomfortable
and leave sooner.

Oh, right.

Ah, yes, my little Belgian friend,
you are too clever by half.

But
there is more, mademoiselle.

I also deduced you felt guilty so
you pushed the beds back together.

That wasn't me.

Oh.

I guess Robert did, then.

I know that
"Sol-needs-to-talk" sigh.

And I'm always here for you.

But right now, I'm up
against a ticking clock.

- Why?
- Because we all are, damn it!

Spill it.

Okay, so since my
prostate surgery...

Robert and I haven't been,
you know... intimate.

Now I'm dialed in.

How's Robert dealing with it?

Mmm!

It isn't Robert, it's me.

I feel like I'm being
betrayed by my own body.

How can I ever trust
things will be the same?

What if I'm not the same man?

I feel like damaged goods.

No, you're not
damaged goods, Sol.

Your goods just took a knock.

Let's get good energy
going into that area.

I could do some Reiki healing.

- I'll take my pants off.
- Don't make this weird, Sol.

- Ooh. Watch the door.
- I, uh...

No, no, no. What are you doing?

Oh, well, this is Dad and Dad's stuff
that they told us to bring over.

There's more in the U-Haul. Where
do you want us to put these?

Back to Robert and Sol's.

Barring that, I
don't give a shit.

Is it me or is she being
friendlier than usual?

Yeah. I was getting a solid
"I tolerate you two" vibe.

- Found it!

My God.

Frankie

when you're secretly
looking for illicit cash,

you don't yell out, "Found it!"

- What's that?
- My Reiki pendulum for dowsing.

- Does it find money?
- No, but you found John.

Why is this John?

Don't tell me.

"Sitting on a corn flake,
waiting for the van to come."

Oh, great.

The van is gonna come
and take us to prison

if we don't get the cash
out by tomorrow morning.

I am all over that.

But first, I need to do
some Reiki on Sol's hoohah.

What?

On the DL, since the operation,

he and Robert have been having
some problems downstairs.

You know what I mean.

You used the word "hoohah."
How could I not know?

So as an Internet-certified Reiki
healer, it's my duty to help him.

And we flooded his house.

Yeah, I know. I feel
bad about that too.

But I need their sorry
asses out of here.

I'm looking for money and
all I keep finding is them.

Okay.

The text about Nick
didn't surprise me.

This throws me off.

Hey, what's going on with my dad?
Was he that upset about Nick?

- Why would he be upset?
- Isn't Nick why you're here?

- Did Nick cause the flood?
- A flood?

Why do you think our parents
are all living together?

Our parents are all
living together?

That explains my dad.

Fuck.

Mom? Where are you going?

We know you saw us!

Girls! Well, what
a lovely surprise.

Why are you here?

Why'd you just put corn
flakes in the safe?

To lock in freshness.

Mom, we just heard the
whole Nick bombshell,

so you might be in shock.

- Certainly that he was caught.
- I can't talk about that now.

Anything but Nick.

What's with Dad and
Sol and the flood?

Anything but Nick and Dad
and Sol and the flood.

- Uh, okay.
- I had an interesting dream last night.

Thanks for stopping
by. I'll be in touch.

- Okay.
- Where are you going?

- We're not abandoning our mother.
- How about in five or so?

She put corn flakes in the
safe. You're not going anywhere.

I'm sorry. Are you my
supervisor of leaving rooms too?

Just...

I know. I know.

Our new dynamic is a
little rocky. But...

I am taking Brianna out tonight
for a real heart-to-heart.

Taneth gave me this gift
certificate to Julianna's.

- Give it to me.
- It's fancy... Excuse me?

Robert and Sol need it more.

And I need it more
than all of you.

Uh, that may be true, but
isn't that a judgment call

to be made by the owner
of the gift certificate?

Mom! That was my plan
for dealing with Brianna.

Wasn't a great plan.

Oh, God. You got this, Mallory.

How do you know?

Because you took the job.

And you knew the shit-show you'd
face with Brianna if you took it

and you did it anyway.

Because being the
boss is in you.

- You really think so?
- I know so.

Okay, I need you and Brianna
to get the fuck out. Come on.

This is why I'm at a loss.

I need your take on
this Mallory shit.

Brianna, this is kind of
a private Reiki session.

Okay. Relax, Sol.

I'm trying.

If you wanna solve your problem, you
need to start thinking like Mallory.

But right now, I need
you to think like me.

I'm stoned and listening to the
Beatles. Where would I hide something?

The Lennon closet.

Brilliant.

I gotta go.

- Here, take over the Reiki.
- Oh, hell, no.

Hard pass.

I'll take over.
What's our focus?

We're doing some groin
work on your father.

Great.

Not great.

You need to keep her off guard.

Like this.

Brianna, Mallory's
leaving without you!

Like hell she is!

Shoot.

Mallory! Mallory!

To the Lennon closet.

- Already checked. Nothing there.
- What is that?

Our way to get those bozos
to dinner so we can search.

What are we gonna
do about dinner?

Thai is still on
the table, right?

I want your
hands up and your guns down.

You heard
him. Put them up.

Three men are about to get
shot and I can't see the TV.

There they go.

So we feel bad about
a couple of things.

First and foremost that
our toilet exploded.

That must've sucked.

And, also, we haven't
exactly been welcoming.

We feel less bad about that.

But still bad. But less bad.

So to make it up to you, we've
gotten you a gift certificate

to Julianna's for tonight.

Yay! Your favorite place!

Never heard of it.

Your new favorite place.

I'm not hungry.
You saw what I ate.

You said you'd rally.

This is very thoughtful. We'll
just use it another night.

Nope. Nope. You
gotta go tonight.

- We already made a reservation.
- Then why don't you go?

No. Frankie and I don't
need a romantic night out.

You and Robert do.

Why do we need a romantic night?

Why? Because it's a thing people
do now when their houses flood.

Jeez, Robert, pick up a New
York Times once in a while.

- You told them?
- No.

- I told Frankie.
- And then I told Grace.

Right. Of course.

Five minutes after we move in and
you're back talking to Frankie

- when you should be talking to me.
- Robert,

this isn't like the other
times I went to Frankie.

It sure feels like it.

You know where a perfect
place to hash this out would be?

Julianna's.

- Why don't you go and take Sol?
- Robert.

- I think we did something bad.

- Stop following me!
- Stop moving!

Oh! That's where Ringo is.

What, the kayak?

Like "Yellow Submarine."

Oh, that would
have been good too.

Oh, come on.

Uh, I know for a fact that
you can still use bills

after you've peed on them.

Never ever tell me
how you know that.

In my defense, Andrew
Jackson had it coming.

How are we gonna get that
wet wad before they see it?

Well, I won't be using the
zipline you made me return.

All these years, you've been on me about
talking more and actively listening.

And I have been trying.

But it feels like you just don't
trust that I'll be there for you.

It's not about trust!

Then why would you talk
to Frankie and not me?

It was easier to tell Frankie
because it didn't involve her!

Hey, ho.

Sorry to disturb.

How about instead of being
sorry, just don't disturb?

Frankie, we're in the
middle of something.

Yes. And I wanna get
you to the end of something.

Ta-da!

The conflict-resolution sweater?

Frankie, I'm not in the mood for
your magical sweater nonsense!

There's nothing magical
about this sweater.

It's science.

Arms up, everybody.

That goes for you too, mister.

Oh.

Get in here, Robert. Oh, Robert.

- Okay. There you go.
- Get your arm in there.

- Here, stick your hand in the arm.
- There. In there!

- Which one? This one?
- Your hand, yes.

- For God's sakes.
- Here, let me help you.

Oh, God, for...

You would've gotten
run out of the commune.

Oh, there. So great.

I don't see the purpose of this.

Purpose is, you can't storm off so
you have to deal with each other.

Fine.

Sol, will you please storm off with
me so we can have some privacy?

Of course.

Step up.

Thank you. And I'll be back with
your toasted muffin post-haste.

And I would also like
my muffin toasted.

And at a temperature
I find agreeable.

Excuse me.

Yes?

You don't seem to know
where your desk is.

It's not a promising
sign for a supervisor.

You know what, Brianna?
Let's just drop the bullshit.

The truth is, I'm
not your supervisor.

Exactly. Thank you, Mallory.

I'm really your boss.

Now shoo.

I have work to do.

Yep.

Okay.

Think this is my first game
of "Big Muffin, Small Muffin"?

I invented "Big
Muffin, Small Muffin."

We just have to find George
and we're home free.

Didn't he write "While
My Guitar Gently Weeps"?

What weeps? Besides me if
we don't find that money.

The song is actually called
"While My Guitar Gently Sleeps."

No, it isn't.
Guitars don't sleep.

Sure they do. That's why you have to
put them away in their little beds.

Which is why I put it in the
bedroom with the queen bed

because he's British.

The only words I understood
were "queen bed,"

and that's where I'll look.

Or is it "While My
Guitar Gently Sweeps"?

- Look away!
- Oh, God.

Yes!

No!

Get out of here!

I thought
you locked the door!

Mmm!

So the conflict-resolution
sweater worked.

You gotta feel good about that.

You are gonna dry-clean
that for us, aren't you?

- We're throwing it away.
- Okay.

I'll finish breakfast
some place else.

I can't eat.

Oh, God, the FBI's here.

They're early.

I thought Rushmore liked to sleep
in. The money is still in the safe.

Ha-ha, no, it isn't.

- I got it out of the house.
- How?

You never even left.

I got it. I got it. It's open.

- Then walk through.
- I'm walking through.

We brought these all the way to the
beach house just to bring them back.

Why are we the guys always
schlepping things around?

- Why aren't Brianna and Mallory here?
- They have jobs.

So do we.

Oh, shit.

- Come on. I'll be late. Let's go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Genius.

What the...? Grace! Frankie!

Oh, what the hell, Frankie?

- There's only four Beatles.
- Oh, God. I forgot about Pete Best.

- The FBI is on their way down.
- Oh, shit!

What are you cursing about?
I'm the one holding it.

- How are we gonna explain this?
- We're not!

Before you run your
mouth off to the feds,

you should know the
rest is in your house.

- What?
- That's right, Sol.

You are in this up
to your eyeballs.

And you're the tallest
one here. So do that math.

What you'll do is
stuff that cash down your pants

and zip up your mouth.

And zip up your pants too.

I understand why you're upset,
but just listen to yourself.

- Do you realize what you're asking?
- I'm not asking. I am telling.

I am done with husbands
who constantly humiliate me

and do whatever they want

without any thought
about how it affects me.

- Now I'm doing the doing.
- But you're not doing anything.

- You're making him do it!
- Without regard for me!

Boo-fucking-hoo.

I've got a husband in jail,

I'm not gonna get all weepy
to have an ex there too.

They're monsters.