Grace and Frankie (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Change - full transcript

♪ Well, I don't know
Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin'
That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared
In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am
Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Frankie, what are we doing here?

What's it look like? We're taking
fat rips off my new toilet bong.

Yes, but what are we really doing?



JM, this is a classic invention pivot.

Did you know that Tesla started
as a robot girlfriend for Elon Musk?

And this has nothing to do

with what happened with Grace
on Shark Tank?

I've already forgotten
about Grace's unforgivable betrayal.

I'm a toilet disruptor now.
Get the lighter.

Frankie, you are literally setting fire
to the thing that you and Grace made.

Do you want to get fucked up or not?

Let's fire this baby up.

Well, old friend, this is why
you're my new best friend.

Hey, don't bogart that toilet. Let me...

I've got the munchies.

Oh, it's a little quick
to get the munchies.

Well, I was starving before I got here.



I could eat.

Oh, my God. We could go anywhere we want.

Grace would never go out with me
after I smoked.

She always got real paranoid
when I was high.

What about that place

where they dump the seafood
right on the tables?

Oh, perfect.
It'll make up for all the times

Grace wouldn't let me eat chili
off the counter.

But I'm too wasted to drive.

Also, I don't drive.

- Hey.
- Hello.

So, how'd it go on Shark Tank?

Not well.

The only offer we got was from Mark Cuban.

You're kidding me.

And?

Well, I... I didn't make the deal.

And Frankie may never speak to me again.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I need more than that.
I-I-I need to know this was worth it.

What on Earth did Cuban do to you?

Oh.

- It's complicated.
- Simplify it.

He bought a basketball team.

- Complicate it.
- It was the Mavericks.

And what terrible thing
did he do to you to get them?

He outbid me! Publicly!

- What?
- Yeah.

I can do it myself!

Don't tell me I sold out my best friend
for a basketball team!

No, it's not just that!

He's got more money than me!

Oh, God!

Guess what just got delivered.

Your midlife crisis, 30 years late?

Hey, man, this is what you wanted!

I do my thing, you do your thing.

You buy a theater, I buy a new ride.

Is this what we're doing now?
Revenge purchases?

Yep. I did have to sacrifice
our honeymoon money.

But that's the kind of guy I am now,
bad to the bone!

Okay, but don't be surprised

if you see an ice cream machine
in the cupboard tomorrow!

Yeah, load up!

Put yourself in an early grave!

Oh, wait. You don't have one.

Nailed him.

What's a name that makes you think "sexy"
but also "non-toxic"?

Hmm.

Cherry blossom?

- Peony?
- Mm-mm.

Armie Hammer?

Uh, Barry is back
from his backwoods emotional journey,

and he is ready to punish you
with his feelings.

Okay, that's my cue. Good luck.

Why? There's not gonna be a fight.

As soon as I tell him
I turned down the job,

he'll be back to being
my beautiful beta Barry.

There's my little Eat Pray Lover.

How was Temecula?

Can we have the room, please?

Yeah.

Okay. Before you say anything,

you should know that I turned down
the San Francisco job

because I consider you...

above all things.

I think you should take the job.

I mean, you'd be...
you'd be great at it.

This feels like a trap.

No, no, no. It's-It's not.
It's not a trap.

I...

Look, I realized something
from my journaling.

This is all my fault.

Oh, thank God.

Wait. Was that a decoy trap,
and this is the real trap?

You've always been
completely clear with me.

You don't want any kind
of commitment.

I never said "any."
We bought a mattress together.

That has a seven-year guarantee.

I think I need more than a mattress.

Fine.

We can get a memory foam topper.

I don't think we...

can be "we" anymore.

You're breaking up with me?

I think it's best for both of us
in the long run.

Well, I disagree.

And don't I have a say in this?

You've had your say.

I just haven't been listening.

I better go before one of us cries.

Who am I kidding? It's gonna be me.

I'm sorry.

You know, people have shells, too.

Only ours are on the inside.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

I mean, it would be nice to have
an outer shell sometimes.

But I guess that's what raincoats are for.

This is unbelievable!

It's like we have one mind,
but two accents.

I'm paying for dinner, JM.

No, no, no, you pay. I insist.

Oh, no. I forgot my purse.

Oh, dear.

You forgot mine, too.

Uh-oh.

Frankie, I think we're at that point
in our misadventures

where we usually call Grace to save us.

Well, that's not happening,
because I'm not speaking to her.

Oh.

And I left my phone at home.

Great.

And you left mine, too.

Well, no worries. We'll just borrow one
and call somebody else.

Oh, I-I can't remember
anyone's number anymore.

Except my lawyer's.

Uh, 1-800-ACCIDENTES.

It's okay, I just need to flip
through my mental Rolodex.

Nope.

Nope.

911, she moved...

Damn it. I got nothing.

Not a single number you can recall?

Only one.

God, I can't believe I betrayed
my best friend for nothing.

Well, it wasn't for nothing.

I asked you to do something as my wife,
and you did it,

which I appreciate.

- That's not the point!
- Well, it is to me.

It was all because of a pissing contest.

I get it. You're not happy.

But you're also a businesswoman.
Deals come and go.

You don't get emotionally involved.

Oh, like you didn't
with that stupid basketball team?

What are you getting so upset for?
This is just a crazy Frankie invention

so she could reach her Fig Newtons
in the bathroom.

It was for me.

You wanted Fig Newtons in the bathroom?

No!

Frankie invented the Rise Up
because I got...

stuck on our toilet.

- What? When did this happen?
- When I first moved in.

And I'm just hearing about this now?
Why didn't you tell me?

Because it was humiliating.

Oh, so what? I'm your husband.

If you'd told me,

I would've gotten rid of it immediately.

Like you got rid of that couch
you know I can barely get off of?

Let me guess. Frankie?

I wish. It's a number I don't recognize.

Hello? Yeah... Oh.

Joan-Margaret. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Is Frankie with you?

Oh, I'll be right there.

So you're just gonna go to her?

In case you hadn't noticed,
we're in the middle of a conversation.

I'd call it a fight.

That's why I'm slamming the door.

What's this about?

The board thought you deserved
to be honored...

What the hell is that?

The toilet Grace and Frankie gave us.

It doesn't even rise up anymore.

I had to get off the toilet all by myself.

You were saying?

Right.

The board thought
you deserved to be honored

for your incredible contribution
to the New Lear Theater.

"The Rob Hanson Concession Stand"?
Is that supposed to be me?

My name is Robert.

You pay by the letter, Rob.

So 20 grand got me a concession stand
where we only sell coffee and water?

Oh, we're not selling coffee this season.

Great. I ruined my marriage,
and I can't even get three extra letters?

Get that thing
out of here, now.

- What's that?
- What's what?

The thing you just flipped around
when I walked in here.

It's a plaque that we're putting up
at the theater to honor...

Us.

For giving scholarships
to theater-deprived youth.

Oh, well...

if we're being honored,
I'd like to see it then.

Show some humility, man!

Is this what we got for our money?

You know what?

- Ooh.
- I'm hopping on my hog,

and I'm just gonna go, man.

Just me, the lonely highway,

and Miss Janis Ian,

who I can hear
with my wildly expensive Bluetooth helmet!

Good to see you boys are back to normal.

Give me my damn plaque.

You could be a little more grateful.

It could have just said "Consesh Stand."

Sol?

Sol!

Sol.

She's got some giddyup.

Oh, I'm not talking to you.

Frankie, I'm here to pay your check
and get you out of here.

I'd rather wash dishes.

It turns out they don't pay
their dishwashers enough to eat here.

There goes the middle class.

- Can I please get a credit card?
- Absolutely.

- Thank you.
- But only after she listens to me.

God, have any of you
ever dined out before?

It's really simple. You eat, you pay.

Oh, bloody hell,
I'm not going down for this.

You two work it out.

I'd like a vodka martini,
very dry, extra olives.

We only serve wine and beer.

Then bring me a glass
and a shrimp cocktail, hold the shrimp.

I will DIY a Bloody Mary.

Can you just pay so I can get out of here?

Frankie...

I am truly sorry
for what happened on Shark Tank.

So tell me why you couldn't be straight
with me about the Cuban thing.

Have you met me?

I avoid all hard conversations.

It's... It's why I carry hard liquor.

It's bad enough you did it,

but then you made it worse
by not having the guts to tell me.

Well, what do you want me to say?
That I regret it? Because I do.

That it was stupid? It was.

That even when I was doing it,
it didn't feel like me? It didn't.

Then why in the hell did you do it?

Because it's what a good wife does!

Oh, God.

What did I just say?

"That's what a good wife does."

Yeah, I know what I said.
I'm just horrified that I said it.

I couldn't find the breakup kit,
so I brought the PMS kit instead. Okay?

Yeah.

Why doesn't Barry understand
what I gave up for him?

I mean, Taneth offered me a dream job.

Now I'm gonna have to report to some
stupid supervisor in San Francisco.

Doesn't he understand
how I feel about supervisors?

And what did he really give up
for me, anyway?

Marriage and kids.

- Cuddling and foreplay.
- Yeah.

Right.

I just thought we'd both made peace
with his compromises.

What's taking so long
with that fucking Toblerone?

I know this is awful. Okay?

But does any part of you
think that maybe Barry is right?

I mean, you two
really do want different things.

Oh, my gosh, this is really happening.

Okay. I need a Toblerone.

No. You don't get PMS chocolate
for letting this happen.

- Why not?
- Okay.

I'm your real sister here, okay?
In feelings.

And we don't show them to people,

because then they'd know
you're really a softy.

And so am I.

Yeah. Being a heartless slut
is just a role I play.

I have to say, you play it really well.

Thank you.

But the truth is I'd rather be
snuggling up with my boyfriend,

watching Hallmark movies
about ladies who marry Santa.

Have you ever seen Loving Mrs. Kringle?

Own it. With extras.

It has extras?

Hi. How does Santa help me?

Is he gonna bring me a Barry who doesn't
want to get married or a Brianna who does?

What do I do?

You find a third option.

Like Santa did in Ho Ho Holy Matrimony.

Exactly.

That reference means nothing to me.

Oh.

It's okay. You would need
a magical cookie oven anyway.

- Yeah.
- So...

When you married Nick, I knew things
were gonna change between us,

but I never thought you were gonna change.

Just like I did
when I was married to Robert.

Hmm.

I really thought
it would be different with Nick,

but I lost me again.

You know, the real me,
the me I am with you.

- I like that you.
- Yeah, me too.

And no matter how sweet Nick is,

you're always gonna be
the first person I want to call.

You're my first person, too.

In fact, the only number
I know by heart is yours.

What?

- Oh, God.
- What?

I'm starting to wonder
if I ever should have married Nick.

What kind of scam are you ladies running?
Your card was declined.

What? It can't be.

Well, here, try this.

Thank you.

I don't know what kind of scam
you're running either,

but if you need it,
I've got access to a "wet floor" sign.

So, it turns out I'm not a Son of Anarchy.

Yes, but the good news is
someone named Rob Hanson

has a concession stand named after him.

I can't believe
I bought that stupid thing.

I thought surviving cancer was supposed
to make you savor every moment

and be less petty and wiser.

And somehow, your cancer
even managed to make me stupider.

What's wrong with us, Rob?

We forgot to savor every moment
with each other.

I can't believe I blew
all of our honeymoon money.

I really wanted
to go on that cruise with you.

Ah, we don't need that boat.
We can still have a honeymoon.

- How?
- Right here. In our beautiful home.

We'll shut everything off.
We'll tell everyone we've left town.

We'll order every meal in.

Go on.

I lost it.

Anyway, let's stay home.

I love that idea.

Oh, shit!

I knew they should have stuck
to vibrators.

Oh, jeez!

What's going on? Adam said
you got attacked by a squirrel?

Yeah, a squirrel named "I Want You Back."

Look, I really don't...

Please just let me say what I need to say.

I don't want to lose you,
so here's what I'm willing to do:

We combine finances
like you always wanted.

I give you another shelf in the closet,
and you can eat my leftovers

when we order Ethiopian, ramen,
and Mexican.

Look, you know
I hate thinking about the future.

But the only thing I hate more is thinking
about a future without you in it.

So...

Oh, my God.

I don't understand.
Are you... Are you proposing to me?

Yes.

And no.

Uh...

So I'm proposing that we get engaged
and stay that way.

Forever.

I love you.
I know this is less than you want,

but it's so much more than I thought
I could ever give anyone.

Is it enough for you?

Yes.

I would love to spend
the rest of my life...

engaged to you.

I knew I was gonna cry today.

What am I gonna tell Nick?

You know, I don't want to lose him.

I just want things to go back
to the way they were with us.

I'm gonna be honest.

It's going to be a very hard conversation.

Yeah.

So I think you should fake your own death.

Oh, Frankie.

You're right. Fake his death.

That's never been done.

Oh, there's definitely shrimp in this.

I got your text
about not being able to pay.

I understand the crab is market price,

but you are married to a billionaire.

For some reason,
none of my cards are working.

Thanks for coming.

No problem.

It's not like anything important
was going on in my life,

except I was proposing to Barry.

You what?

You're getting married?

Even better. We're never getting married.

- What?
- I know.

Isn't it wonderful?

We're just gonna be engaged forever.

Genius.

And Barry's okay with this?

Please. He's already
on the phone with his mom.

Oh, she must be so confused for you both.

I had to come up with something.

I know it's unconventional,
but it works for us.

That's what you need to do.

Get engaged to Barry?

No, come up with something unconventional
for you and Nick.

Please tell me you've either
come to pay the check or kill me.

I don't care anymore.

- So I just got engaged today.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Um, so I don't know if that entitles me
to a special discount or anything.

I know some places do stuff like that.

It's classy.

Yeah, because that's what we're
known for here at The Crab Barrel.

Yeah, I understand.

Oh, she's home.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thank God you're back.

Yeah, I'm sorry I left like that.

I was being stupid.

I'm sorry I keep making Frankie an issue.
I... I know you love me.

And I have absolutely no reason
to be insecure.

Oh, boy.

Um...

Nick, it's-it's not all on you.

I should have told you
about that day in the bathroom.

Look, I get it.

The longer you don't
tell someone something,

the harder it is to ever say.

And then when you tell them,

it may not be exactly
what they want to hear.

But if-if they can deal with it,

then the relationship can maybe turn
into a different kind of relationship.

- Right. You can't fear change.
- Yeah.

The important thing is,
no matter how crazy things get,

you get through them together.

- Who's that?
- It's change.

- Oh, my God!
- Mrs. Skolka,

- I'm Agent Fenmore with the FBI.
- What the hell?

Nick Skolka, you're under arrest.

Hi, Karin.

What...? What's happening?

Remember how we were just talking about

the longer you don't
say something to someone,

the harder it is to say?

Say what?

Things like securities fraud
and tax evasion.

Allegedly. Really, Karin? Handcuffs?

- Nick?
- Call Miriam. She knows what to do.

Could I have a second
with my wife, please?

I'm really sorry about this.

I swear, it's all a misunderstanding,
and it's all gonna work out.

Is it?

Let's go.

And Grace...

sit on that couch you hate,

and you might just figure out
how to rise up.

Well, what does that mean?

Don't give up on me.

I love you.

I can't believe
I didn't see this coming.

The trip to the Caymans,

selling off his art,
the credit cards being declined.

And he did brag a lot about evading taxes.

- Yeah, he really did, didn't he?
- Hmm.

What am I gonna do now, Frankie?

Oh, that's the easy part.

- I'm taking you home.
- Oh.

What is it with this couch?

Nick said something really weird
before they took him away.

Yeah. Was it, "You'll never take me alive,
you dirty copper"?

No, because he isn't Jimmy Cagney.

He said, if I sat
on this stupid couch long enough,

I'd figure out how to solve
our... our Rise Up problem.

Wait a minute.

He said this couch?

Well, it's the only one here.

This very couch that you've hated
since the day you moved in?

Well, actually, I hated it
before I moved in.

The couch he mysteriously
never got rid of?

I find that interesting, Grace.

Very interesting.

Is it possible this couch is uncomfortable
for a reason?

Yeah. Poor Italian design.

Step aside.

I can't even get off it.

Oh, yeah. I can step aside.

God, Frankie.
Why do you have a box cutter?

I grabbed it this morning.
I thought it was a pack of gum.

No, no, Frankie, don't!

What? Stop!

Frankie, what are you doing?
Frankie, no! Stop it.

I sure hope I'm right.

God.

Oh!

My God!

I used to be excited
when I found nickels in the couch.

Frankie!

Oh, my God. I think we've got
our funding for the Rise Up!

Thank you, Nick!

I'm gonna go see what's in the mattress.

Yeah, no, Frankie! Stop.

Well, we're definitely registering
for a shit-ton of gifts.

Can we do that if we know we're
never gonna get married?

Well, we can if you want
that nine-and-a-half quart

Le Creuset Dutch oven in matte navy.

That'll complete my set.

Come here. Mmm.

Well, look at you two canoodling
on the couch.

We're engaged and registering, bitch!

I can't believe I said that.
Uh, forgive me?

Hmm. Well, seeing you guys so happy
is a beautiful thing.

Especially you.

Thank you.

Crazy thing. I got a call from Taneth.

She called you?

Yeah. We've actually talked a few times.

Of course, she's so upset
you didn't take the job.

Oh, man. Is she sulking?

Yeah.

But I've been getting her
to focus on other stuff.

And she really appreciated it and, um...

offered me a job.

That's incredible!

The one she offered you
in San Francisco, and I'm taking it.

- Incredibly bad for everyone in this room.
- Wait.

You took my job?

And so now you're my boss?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, not boss.

- Not boss at all.
- Okay.

Supervisor.

I feel so guilty.

Why? Because you wanted to be back
at the beach house with me so bad,

you manifested your husband's arrest?

No.

Because this is what I wanted. I...
I just didn't want it this way.

Oh, Grace, Nick is white-collar.

In three years,
he'll probably be president.

In the meantime, let's enjoy what we have.

- It is good to be back.
- Oh.

Ah, hey, look.

What are you two jabronis doing here?

Funny story.

Our entire house flooded.

- Oh, not funny "ha-ha."
- What happened?

What happened was your Rise Up exploded.

Oh, God.

But the best part is,
our insurance says they won't cover it.

But they did recommend
going after the people who gave it to us.

- Oh, God.
- And since I now own

the most expensive concession stand
in America, and he's a hog man,

we can't even afford to stay in a hotel.

We've got 50 grand in the freezer.

Peel off a hundy,
get yourself a motel for the night.

Oh, our house is going to be
a construction site for months.

Roomies.

Oh, God.

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪

♪ Golden years ♪

♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪

♪ Don't let me hear you say
Life's taking you nowhere ♪

♪ Angel ♪

♪ Come get up, my baby ♪

♪ Look at that sky, life's begun ♪

♪ Nights are warm and the days are young ♪

♪ Come get up, my baby ♪

♪ There's my baby, lost that's all ♪

♪ Once I'm begging you
Save her little soul ♪

♪ Gold, whop, whop, whop ♪

Okay, good night!