Gossip Girl (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Wrath of Con - full transcript

GOSSIP GIRL: Gossip Girl here,
your one and only source...

...into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

- Will you move in with me?
- Yes, of course I will.

- I don't want you near her again.
- You said you trusted me.

It was a mistake
mixing business and pleasure.

I would be so proud to help you.

If we act now, we make
at least triple on our investment.

You can tell your backers I'm in.

My money is as good
as anyone else's. I want in.

With these investments, we should have
everything by the end of the month.

The drawers and closets are empty.
He's gone.



What do you mean, "Gone"?

There's one person
who knows what happened

that night Gabriel
supposedly met Serena.

Chuck Bass?
Have you been saved too?

WOMAN:
Where has she been?

GOSSIP GIRL:
And who am I?

That's one secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me. XOXO...

...Gossip Girl.

Four wise men once said:

"I get by
with a little help from my friends."

- Do you have a glass?
MAN: No, man, what do you think this is?

On the Upper East Side,
there's the added challenge...

...of figuring out
who those friends really are.



[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- It's as bad as we thought.

- Maybe worse.
- How so?

Gabriel didn't just skip town.

He took off with the money
he got my mom and the co-op to invest.

And he took Poppy's money too.
The entire thing was a scam.

Well, his suits never did fit right.
How much did he get?

I'm not sure. I'm on my way home
to tell my mom right now.

When are you gonna be back?

As fast as I can, given
my current transportation situation.

Hey, Chuck, I really am sorry
for not believing you and Blair earlier.

You never did tell me how you found out
he was lying about meeting me.

I'll explain when I get there.

No, thank you.

The Lord cannot enter a body
sullied by alcohol.

Good, because I like to be the one
doing the entering.

To each their own holy water.

LILY:
We want the harp and not the cello.

And make sure
we have two cases of champagne.

Okay. Goodbye.
I didn't even know you were out.

- Yeah, I had to go and try to catch--
- Gabriel?

We had a nice time with you
last night. He is so charming.

And that idea.

Yeah, actually, um, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

Okay, well, before you do,
there is something I want you to have.

I was gonna wait until you were 21...

...but I've been so proud of you lately,
with Brown, and graduation coming.

Go ahead, open it.

It was your great-grandmother's.

I took it out of the safety-deposit box
this morning.

It's beautiful, Mom,
but it's too much. I can't accept it.

- I don't deserve it.
- Well, of course you do.

Serena, you're becoming
a wonderful woman...

...and I want you to have something
that represents that.

Now, tell me, what were you gonna say
about Gabriel?

[PHONE RINGS]

Ugh. Must be the caterer.

Yeah. Just take that,
and we'll talk later, okay?

And thank you.
This is really something.

Don't forget, we have to leave
for brunch in 10 minutes.

Hello?

Yes.

- Hey, Blair, it's me.
- Okay.

I need your help again.

I'm on my way.
We'll have to continue later.

- Serena needs me.
- No.

"Serena needs me" is officially
no longer an excuse to avoid talking.

She's my best friend.

Whether you got this apartment
because you love me...

...or because you don't trust me
will wait.

That wasn't even the question.

The question was, and remains:
Do you wanna live in it with me?

Serena's waiting.

Fine, I'm coming with you.

[RUFUS LAUGHS]

[HUMMING]

Have a great day.

Okay, Dad, seriously,
this whole happy thing.

- It's a little annoying.
DAN: Yeah, seconded.

Humming is fine for home,
but "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" on the F?

I'm pretty sure what that lady said
meant "stop" in her language.

What's not to be happy about?

We're together. Serena's boyfriend
let me in on an investment...

...that could pay for your educations.
And I'm about to propose to Lily.

Wait, what? At brunch?
Dad, that's amazing.

No, not quite yet.
I still have to ask permission.

From who, CeCe?

No, Lily's not speaking to her,
and I'm fine with that.

The person whose permission I seek
is Eric.

Well, he's gonna say yes.

Still, Serena's gonna be at Brown
next year.

[PHONE RINGING]

Eric's gonna be there.
He'll been the man of the house.

So after we eat, we'll go for a walk.
I'll show him the ring.

We're not gonna have to wait
until next fall for Serena to ditch.

- She's skipping brunch.
- I'd really hoped we'd all be together.

Let me see what I can do.
She's not a morning person...

...but show up with a bone-dry
cappuccino, she'll follow you anywhere.

So I'll meet you at the restaurant.

Hey, and by the way, Dad,
congratulations.

- Dad.
- Come here.

I'm so glad you came, B.
Thank you so much for--

- For bringing Nate?
BLAIR: I'm just as flummoxed as you are.

I got out at 53rd and made a run for it,
but he's faster than he looks.

What happened?
Don't tell me that hick gave you scabies.

He's gone, with the money.

If you tell me, "I told you so," right now,
I might lose it, so please don't.

I'm sorry.

This isn't something
I wanted to be right about.

- Are you okay?
- I don't know.

I don't know. I keep trying to figure out
what was real and what wasn't.

- It doesn't make any sense.
BLAIR: Feelings never do.

They get you all confused.
Then they drive you around for hours...

...until they drop you
right back to where you started.

I need to fix this.

How can we help?

Well, I have a plan.

Tell me if you guys think it's crazy.

- Where's Blair?
- I agreed to give you a ride.

That's all. Meals are not included.

I told you, I just want to apologize.

One of the most sacred acts
is the ritual of forgiveness.

Why is it when you say "ritual"
I think human sacrifice?

If I wanted to hurt Blair, don't you think
I would've done it by now?

Wait here.

Hey, Gabriel, it's me.

Sorry I never came back this morning.

But I was coming to tell you something,
and then I...

I got scared because--

I hope you had an enjoyable ride back
on my leather seats.

- Shh.
SERENA: Um... Because...

Well, I might as well just say it now,
because I might get too scared again.

I think I might be pregnant.

Okay. That's it. Call me, please.

The pregnancy ruse.

Clich?, but effective.
Make sure you arrange the meeting...

...someplace where the authorities
can surround him.

No open spaces.

You did call the police, right?

No, because then my mom
will find out, and that can't happen.

Well, all this assumes
that the dirtbag even calls you back.

It's obviously time
an expert took over this operation.

We're taking care of it.

CHUCK:
You didn't mind my taking care of it...

...when it drove off with me.
- Left you in the middle of nowhere.

Serena, you should
let Chuck handle this.

Gabriel's not calling back.

Just because he took off
with the money...

...doesn't mean the feelings
between us weren't real.

Not only do I think
he's gonna call back...

...but I think I can get
the money back from him.

What money?

I'm sorry, I just came
to coerce you into family brunch.

You didn't happen to see something
in the living room, did you?

No. No, why? What's going on?

Not that it's your business, but Serena's
fake boyfriend's investment was fake.

He Madoffed with the money.
You can go now.

Wait, my dad invested my college money
with that guy.

Oh, my God, Dan.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

I have to tell him.

No, please don't. I'm taking care of it.
I'm getting everything back.

Unfortunately, the only way her plan
is gonna work is by some act of God.

Wow.

Look at that.

I'm so glad that everybody's here.

We need to get this crazy girl
out of here.

- Are you trying to have me killed?
CHUCK: She's fine. She found Jesus.

[PHONE RINGING]

I am going to scream--

Is this how you found out
about that night?

- You bring Georgina here?
- Hey, does anybody know a Gabriel?

Gabriel, hey.
Thank you for calling me back.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You okay?
- Not really.

Probably the wrong thing to say.
I'm happy to see you.

You sounded scared
when you called me this morning.

And then you didn't show up.

I thought maybe you were having
second thoughts about me.

No, not at all. Just really confused.

Yeah, me too.
I thought we were being careful.

Well, I wasn't careful enough,
it seems.

I'm not pregnant. Just naive.

I can't believe I believed you.

Don't worry. You're safe, for now.

I wanted to give you the opportunity
to fix things...

...to prove you're not
who you probably are.

Listen, you have to know
how sorry I am.

I don't know what you are right now,
except a liar and a thief.

But you can change one of those
by giving the money back.

I can't do that.

Gabriel, why, if you're just using me,
why come back?

Why act like you care about me now?

You're not leaving my hotel
until you repay your investors.

It's your choice.

Either you hand over the money...

...or we hand you over to the feds.

You have to believe me.
I would if I could.

But I don't have the money.

Poppy Lifton does.

Daniel. You just missed everyone.

Jenny said something about
an exhibit at the Fashion Institute.

And your father pulled Eric away,
all very mysterious.

You all right?

No, no. I mean, yeah.
No, I'm not. I'm sorry.

Well, there's clearly something
on your mind.

Well, Serena asked me
not to say anything.

Oh, that's my least favorite sentence.
Start talking.

I think she's wrong not to say anything.
She doesn't know how serious this is.

Or if she does, I mean, she thinks
she can handle it, and she really can't.

I'm sure if it's important,
she'll forgive you for breaking trust.

Yeah.

Gabriel is a con artist.

His investment was a scam.

He took the money for himself,
including my dad's.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. Serena thinks she can sweet-talk
him into giving everything back.

But, really, I don't think Blair and Chuck
can scheme their way out of this one.

I thought about calling the cops,
but there's no proof.

You did the right thing telling me.

The last thing we need
is the authorities to implicate Serena.

I don't want that.
But how do I tell my dad...

...he got conned out of college money?
- You don't.

And you don't need to worry.
I'll take care of it.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Do me a favor
and don't say anything to anyone.

We don't need to make this
any more complicated than it already is.

Yeah, I just want you to do
what you people do...

...and get my dad's money back.

Thank you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Poppy's rich friends invite her to parties.
Designers give her clothes to wear.

And exes who've given her
some awfully nice presents.

In other words, she's a faux-cialite.

- I met her at a Mercedes launch party.
- The faux-cialite ball.

I tried enticing her into investing
in satellites for third-world countries.

She tried enticing me
into making her the next Mrs. Edwards.

Turns out I was awfully good
at getting folks to give me their money.

I just wasn't so good at investing it.

Hence, no Wi-Fi
for the poor African children.

You know,
I had to give my investors something.

I brought on new investors
to pay off the old investors.

- And then those investors--
- We know, it's called a Ponzi scheme.

Serena, I swear to you,
in the beginning you were just a mark.

And your mom, Bart Bass' widow,
was gonna be our big score.

But then my feelings for you
got in the way of that.

So how did Poppy
end up with all the money?

It was always business for us.

Soon as we realized
we were both playing rich...

...I shared my plans with her,
she shared her society connections.

When we hit our number,
I was gonna disappear...

...and she was gonna stay behind
and just be another rich society gal...

...that I took advantage of.

When you called me this morning...

...she thought you made me.
- Smart girl.

Yeah. She said we had to end it now.

She offered to buy me out
so I could leave.

She emptied the account
and never showed.

Instead, she went to your hotel room
and blamed the entire thing on you.

And I should've just left town.

But I couldn't go
without seeing you again.

I'm afraid the only chance you have
of getting your money back...

...is finding Poppy Lifton.

NATE: This is taking too long.
I'm going to get a cup of coffee.

BLAIR: Wait, no,
don't leave me alone with her.

- Then come and talk with me.
- Oh, or stay with me and talk.

Look, Blair,
everyone else has forgiven me.

- I'm just waiting on you.
- Everyone who?

And besides,
some things are unforgivable.

God will help me find a way
to earn your forgiveness.

Oh, looks like he answers my prayers
faster than yours.

- Chuck, what happened?
- We've got the wrong guy.

Believe it or not,
the puppeteer is Poppy.

Poppy?

SERENA:
Thank you for actually coming.

Nobody believed you really would.

As much as you don't believe me...

...you're the only girl who was ever
worth waking a priest up for.

I really did fall for you.

Well, not enough, it seems.
The money was more important.

- Listen, Serena--
- Gabriel, you should go.

Where's he going?

My PI hasn't confirmed his story.
Even if it's true, he's still a crook.

He's not the one we need. If we need to
find him, I don't think it'll be that hard.

But why would Poppy stay in town
after what she did?

She has to
if she's gonna play the victim.

She wants us
to think Gabriel fooled her.

CHUCK:
She wants money.

All we need to provide is some sap
she thinks she can get it from.

Except she knows all of us.

She doesn't know all of us.

What?

No. Uh-uh.

Lying is also a sin. I will not
perjure myself in front of the Lord.

We'll see about that.

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like
Georgina's losing her religion.

Or has B met her match
in the battle for G's soul?

Here are the names and amounts
of the residents...

...who invested with Mr. Edwards,
if that's his real name.

I'm sorry, Bruce. I know
this goes beyond your usual duties.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

The Bass business usually does.

Hey, you keep calling.
Is everything okay?

Will you excuse us just a moment?

I know all about Gabriel's scheme.

And, frankly, I'm disappointed
that you did not come to me.

Dan?

I'm sorry, Mom.
I was gonna tell you, and then...

I can't believe he told you.

He obviously sees the situation...

...and my role in it
much more clearly than you do.

Well, it is a mess, but it's my mess,
and I'm gonna fix it.

You will do no such thing.

This goes far beyond
bad taste in boyfriends.

You encouraged me to be with him.

If word gets out about this...

...all anyone will think when they hear
the name Serena van der Woodsen...

...is how you helped scam
your friends and family...

...out of hundreds of thousands
of dollars.

I know. I feel terrible. That's why
I'm gonna get everything back.

I have a plan.

Well, don't be naive.

The Madoff people will be in court
for years and never see a dime.

The only plan is for me to tell everyone
the deal didn't work out...

...and pay them myself.
- What about Poppy?

- What about her?
- She was behind all of this.

- She can't just get away with it.
- Yes, she can.

And especially if it means
that your name stays out of it.

This is an adult scandal.

The adult thing to do
is for me to pay everyone back...

...and for you
to do absolutely nothing.

Now let it go.

Am I understood?

Yeah.

LILY:
Okay, Bruce.

- Where were we?
- We've been over all the investors...

...except Rufus.

Well, how about
we handle his payout...

...a little differently?

- Uh-oh. You don't really seem excited.
- No, the ring is amazing.

I think it's great
you wanna marry my mom.

I just wanna make sure
you're prepared.

- Well, I have done this before.
- So has she. Four times.

- Those guys weren't right for her.
- That's true.

But my mom can be a little crazy too.

And I love her. I just don't want you
to forget where she came from.

Trust me. I know the family...

...and your mother
is nothing like her mother.

I'm up for the wild ride...

...that is Lily Rhodes-
van der Woodsen-Bass, et cetera.

Well, welcome to the family then.

You thought about
how you're gonna propose?

Klaus with a K did it with a blimp.
C- Claus did it on a pyramid.

Although she didn't say yes to that.
But you have the bar set pretty high.

Sure, but, uh...

Yeah, yeah, I have lots of ideas.

Come on, G. Don't you miss Dior?
Prada? Looking fabulous?

I mean, for you.

Jesus loves me as I am.

He would love you more
with some styling.

Think of the fun you used to have
pretending to be Sarah and Svetlana...

...slipping people roofies...

...outing them
to their unsuspecting parents at dinner.

Those things don't call to me
anymore, Blair.

Look, I made a choice.

I let go of the evil so I can find love
and happiness with the good.

I know it sounds dull,
but it's actually quite nurturing.

Can't you understand?

More than you know.

I gave up my old ways
when I let Jesus take the wheel.

That is a Carrie Underwood song,
not a life choice.

I'm sorry, but I can't help you
if it goes against my beliefs.

But when you look at it,
Jesus drove you here, right?

I believe his name was Jes?s.

Not in the cab,
in your country-western way of life.

You said God would help you find a way
to earn my forgiveness.

And here it is.

So my amends
would be to entrap Poppy Lifton...

...get the money back that she stole,
and destroy her in the process?

Exactly.
If you cut revenge out of the Bible...

...there's not even enough pages
to make a pamphlet.

And they shall know I am the Lord,
when I shall lay my vengeance on them.

How'd you know
my favorite passage?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hey, S.
- My mom wants us to call off the plan.

What? No. Do you know
how much work this exorcism was?

It's gonna take days
for Dorota to reorganize my closet.

I don't like it either.
I'm just telling you.

She wants to take care of things
and leave Poppy out of it.

Poppy is it.

She's so evil she makes the old Georgina
look like the new Georgina.

LILY: Serena?
- I have to go.

Just put the plan on hold, and do not
do anything until I call you back, okay?

- S, wait.
- I mean it, Blair.

Yes, well, the cookies came from...

Poppy came by
to see how we were doing...

...after all of the terrible drama
this morning.

I mean, the money part was bad,
but I just felt like such an idiot.

I thought he loved me.

- Obviously, you understand that.
- Obviously.

Poppy also told me that she's going
to Miami tomorrow night.

POPPY:
Yeah, I have a cousin down there...

...and I just thought
if I have to feel like a fool...

...I might as well do it with a tan.

You might wanna check. You have--

- Oh, excuse me.
- Yes.

What are you doing
having tea and smiling at her?

- Lock the doors and call the police.
- We discussed it.

The adult thing to do
is to let it and her disappear.

She's not disappearing.
She's going to Miami.

She's gonna do the same thing
to new people.

We can only hope
that those people...

...will be smarter than we were.

My dad's not home.
Can I take a message?

Just let him know the paperwork
from his recent investment's on its way.

There must be a mistake. I was told
that investment didn't happen.

No, sir. He should begin
to receive dividends in about six weeks.

I don't care what my mother says.
Poppy Lifton must pay.

I knew you'd come to your senses.

Ta-da.

Hello.

Sherilyn Phillips.

My daddy's got a piece of the oil sands
up in Alberta...

...a piece the size of Florida.

I'm so excited to meet my first
New York friend for tea tomorrow.

Maybe you know her. Poppy Lifton?

Nice to meet you, Sherilyn.

What do you think?

I sense aspiration, yearning,
striving to be accepted.

But then there's this appealing
counter-note of sincerity and optimism.

This is the story of a young girl...

...who's enjoying her first taste
of the spoils of dirty oil.

It's perfection.

Well, there's no detail too small...

...to make sure
Poppy Lifton goes down hard.

You think this is better
than calling the cops?

It's better than my mother
sleeping with the enemy.

This will work.

Georgina has a recording device
in her handbag.

Once we get Poppy on tape
talking money...

...we can blackmail her
into handing over the cash.

If Poppy got arrested,
she'll never give up money.

And as annoyed as I am with Dan
right now, it is his college tuition.

How do we know
she's gonna show up?

She thinks Gabriel took the fall.

All she's worried about now
is party invitations...

...and keeping a seat at Bryant Park.

And she's greedy.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- You said the Gabriel deal was a scam.

So why's my dad getting a call
about dividends?

I don't know. Call my mom.

You seem to like to talk to her
these days.

What was I supposed to do?

It's not fair of you to ask me
to trust the return of my tuition...

...to Blair and Chuck.

I told you I would take care of it,
and that's what I'm doing now.

Don't expect me to drink alcohol
in this scheme.

It's the Russian Tea Room.
You can drink tea.

Serena, what are you doing?

I'm in the elevator.
I'm losing you. Sorry.

Eric said Lily's at Barneys.
We have a couple hours.

- I hope she likes all of this.
- Aw!

- Dad, you're nervous. That's so cute.
- Hey, do not call your father cute.

- Dad, Lily's gonna love the proposal.
- I hope so.

It's not exactly fireworks
over the Eiffel Tower or a G5.

No, but you got her favorite flowers,
tracked down her favorite wine...

...bought bespoke chocolates,
and you made all her favorite foods.

Although I still think spare ribs
and scallops are kind of gross together.

If you're trying to make me feel better,
you're failing.

All I'm saying
is that big proposals are great, sure...

...but yours has something
more important.

It shows that you really know her
and you love her for who she is.

You're right, I do.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- Quick, buy me five minutes.
- Yeah, I'm on it.

- Hi.
- Oh, I wasn't expecting to see you.

Lily. Yeah, I know, I wanted you to--
Here, I'll take those.

Show me that Marchesa dress
that you wore last week.

I loved the zippers.

Hey, we need to talk.

- Can't we talk inside?
- We need to talk about Blair.

Trouble in paradise?

A couple days ago,
you told me you were done with her.

Then you did everything you could
to get close to her again.

If you have a problem
with my proximity to your girlfriend...

...ask Serena
not to get into so much trouble.

I couldn't figure out
why you would go out of your way...

...to lie to me about how you felt.

Then I realized you're not lying to me.
You're lying to yourself.

That's a lovely theory you've concocted,
Nathaniel.

You should have it published.
Now, if you'll excuse me.

No, you had your shot, and you blew it.
So why start toying with her again?

I mean, if you want her,
then man up and tell her.

Otherwise, you gotta cut her loose.

You gotta cut her loose,
and for real this time...

...because I want her.

Bella's in love,
even though he's a vampire.

Maybe it's because he's a vampire.

His family doesn't suck blood.
It makes her feel safer.

[PHONE RINGING]

But the more he falls in love with her,
the more--

Jenny. Just one minute, Jenny.

- Okay.
- Okay. Hello?

- Yes, okay.
- I'm gonna...

Oh, okay.

Thank you. Bye.

Hi. I'm sorry, Daniel.
What was your question?

I got nowhere with Serena on this.
Maybe you have an answer.

Why is my dad getting calls
about dividends?

Did you not get his money back?

Um, I did.

I put it in a very safe mutual fund
that will pay him dividends each month.

Okay. Then what is Serena
still taking care of...

...at the Russian Tea Room right now?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Whatever you're doing...

...I need you to stop right now.

She can't just get away with it.

You can smile at Poppy all you want,
Mom, but I'm not like that.

It's not right.

I will not tolerate you deciding
what is right in this situation.

I am your mother,
and I am telling you to stop this instant.

It is nonnegotiable.
Serena, do you hear me?

I'm sorry, Mom. I have to go.

Serena, don't you dare--

Hi, it's Lily Bass.

Well, find him.
I need to speak with him right now.

They say that numbers don't lie
and money talks.

- Hi, are you Sherilyn? I'm Poppy.
- Poppy, it's so nice to meet you.

But can Georgina
still speak Poppy's language?

I'm just loving it here.

Are you a Carrie? I'm a Charlotte.

A Carrie?

Um, yeah.

- I thought so.
- Yeah.

- Did you see Poppy's here?
- I did.

Georgina's going to text me
as soon as she starts talking money.

Great.

You look like you could use a cocktail.

You're too late.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow.

What?

That's the first true laugh
I've gotten out of you in a while.

- Listen, Blair--
- No, me first.

Nate's waiting for me
to give him an answer.

I heard.

Don't you wanna know
what's stopping me?

I can't answer his question while
I'm waiting for you to answer mine.

The one I asked you forever ago.

What are we, Chuck?

Blair...

Last fall,
you said we couldn't be together...

...and I believed you.

But every time I try to move on,
you're right there...

...acting like--
- Acting like what?

Like...

Maybe you just want me
to be as unhappy as you are.

I would never wish that on anyone.

I want you to be happy.

Then look down deep...

...into the soul I know you have...

...and tell me if what you feel for me
is real...

...or if it's just a game.

If it's real...

...we'll figure it out...

...all of us.

But if it's not...

...then please, Chuck, just let me go.

It's just a game.

I hate to lose.

You're free to go.

Thank you.

Chuck, why did you just do that?

Because I love her...

...and I can't make her happy.

New York is full of people
doing such amazing things.

Who knew you could bring wireless
to third-world countries?

What a great job.

Yeah, it's really more of a passion
than a job.

- I mean, it gives so much to the children.
- Of course.

I mean, they can look at faraway places
and read Bible stories and--

Oh, well, they can download
Kirk Cameron movies.

- Yeah.
- You know...

...I'd really love
to be a part of something like that.

My father was really hoping
I'd find something philanthropic to do...

...while I'm down here.

I mean, you're such a great girl.

Look, if you can get me
a payment today...

...I'll find a way to get you in.

Really?

That would be amazing.
I can't wait to help the children.

Let me just call the bank
to set up a wire transfer.

I'm sorry,
because of the time crunch...

...I'm afraid I'm only gonna be able
to accept cash.

Hey, the police just pulled up.

The police?
I thought Chuck was calling his PI.

- Where is he?
- He left, believe it or not.

But as long as Georgina has Poppy
on tape, we can let the cops arrest her.

Okay, well, text Georgina.
Make sure she's ready.

I'm gonna go talk to the police.

Um...

Well, this is all the money I have
for emergencies.

But if you let me text my father, I'm sure
he can arrange for something more.

No, no, it's okay. That's a great start.

Okay.

[RELIGIOUS MUSIC
PLAYING ON PHONE]

God intended for us to meet.

I'm just glad I was able to get you in.

- So I'll call you later.
- Oh, for cosmos.

Yeah, okay.

Hi.

Chuck had to leave,
but the woman he called about is inside.

- I can take you--
- Serena van der Woodsen?

- Yeah, that's right.
- You're under arrest.

What?

Wait, no, no, there's been a mistake.
It's Poppy--

- What is taking so long? Serena--
- Blair, Blair, tell them.

- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing?

- You have the wrong girl. What--?
- I don't think so.

What's going on?
Why are they taking Serena?

- Serena, it's okay. We'll figure it out.
- Blair, call Chuck.

- Call Chuck.
BLAIR: Serena, it's okay.

- Blair, what's going--?
- Your plan was a rousing success.

- So they arrested her?
- If by "her" you mean Serena, yes.

Wait, I don't understand.
Why would they arrest Serena?

You should know.

Pretending to find Jesus
to take us all down.

It borders on brilliant.

What are you talking about? L--

Where's Poppy?
I gave her the camp's Bible money.

Oh, nice touch.

But you texted me, "All set?"
Poppy was asking for a down payment.

All I had was money
my camp gave me to buy Bibles.

You expect me to believe that
after all you've done?

Your stupid clothes
and your Bible quotes don't fool anyone.

You're evil.

I know it. You know it.
And God knows it too.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

I will never forgive you
for what you've done.

And neither will Jesus.

Rufus, I hope you weren't waiting
too long.

What's this?

Where did you find that?

It's a list of Gabriel's investors.
Oh, what beautiful lilies.

With bags of money
matching their investments?

What's going on here, Lily?

Well, if you must know,
the investment didn't work out.

So I'm taking care of getting
everyone's money back to them.

How about your different plan for me?

Rufus, this really isn't a big deal.

You were planning on giving me money
every month behind my back.

Do you have any idea
how humiliating that is?

Well, I wasn't trying to humiliate you.
I was just trying to help you.

- You had to know I'd never go for it.
- Well, you should.

Do you know how hard it is
to watch you agonize...

...over not being able to send Dan
to Yale when I could very easily help...

...if you would let me?

You are not putting this on me.
I've raised my kids just fine...

...without your help.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'm sorry, I have to take this.

I don't understand.
You were supposed to arrest Poppy.

We have her on tape
committing fraud.

- Fraud?
- Yes.

Thank you. I don't understand what
you thought you were arresting me for.

Theft.

What? No. No, I didn't steal that.
That was my great-grandmother's.

You can call my mother, Lily Bass.
She'll tell you this is a mistake.

- Lily Bass?
- Yes.

She called it in.

Thank you, detective.
I'll be down in a bit.

What was that?

- Serena's in a little trouble again.
- Is she okay?

- She's been arrested.
- Oh, no. Come on, I'll go with you.

No, I'm not going just yet.

- I'm sorry, I don't think I understand--
- I had her arrested.

Look, I know how that sounds,
but I had no choice.

This from the woman who wouldn't
let me put Jenny in a squad car?

I am not a monster, Rufus.

I'm not gonna let her sit
and rot behind bars.

But I needed to remove her
from the situation...

...so she'd have time to think.

- So you called the police on her?
- Yes, so I could drop the charges...

...and in a few weeks,
everyone would forget it ever happened.

Are you hearing yourself?

I asked her to stop,
and she purposely disobeyed me.

Look, this was the only way
that I could protect her.

- From what, Lil?
- From creating a scandal.

From ruining her future
and everything that she's worked for...

...embarrassing me.

You just sounded
exactly like your mother.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

What is all of this?

That, um...

That was a big mistake.

- Where is she?
- Inside, but they won't let us talk to her.

We'll see about that.

- You called him?
- Of course I did. He's her brother.

You have nothing to worry about
with Chuck anymore.

- Did he tell you that?
- He gave me my answer.

And you deserve yours.

I don't think
we should move in together.

Me neither.

- Then why--?
- Look, I just...

I'm sorry. I was using the apartment
to force our issues, and it's just--

It's too big of a step. I'm sorry.

Well, perhaps a more suitable step
would be for you to ask me to prom.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Hello, Blair.

Georgina?

You don't sound like yourself.

That's funny, because I feel
more like myself than ever.

Where are you?

Taking care
of what you obviously couldn't.

I don't think Jesus
would approve of that.

Well, you can tell Jesus
that the bitch is back.

Follow that car.

GOSSIP GIRL:
Oh, no.

We warned you no good would come
from spinning a wicked web.

You just get all tangled up
in your own lies.

JENNY:
Hey, how'd it go?

Did she love it?

Please return this for me.

And the more you twist,
the tighter the trap.

I need you to dig up what dirt you can
on the officers of the 55th Precinct.

Detective Sanders? My grandfather...

...said you'd be able
to help me get some information.

Serena's mom gave her that bracelet.

It's been in the family for years.
She couldn't have stolen it.

Until you're locked
in a prison of your own making.

Smile for the camera, S.
XOXO, Gossip Girl.