Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
BELL RINGS
I tell you, man,
this place has changed totally.
That's what happens when you don't
come to school for a year, innit?
When we started here, there weren't
as many Asian kids as there are now.
There's a massive increase
in the number of brown people
in the world, including our
Why, man?
Everybody's cross-breeding
with each other, innit?
Not with us, they ain't, man.
Shut up and listen
to what I'm telling you, right?
There is a global, pan-continental,
inter-racial, rasmulai festival on!
Fact, right - in the year 2050,
everyone on the Earth will be brown
because of in
Ye-a-a-aah! Like crayons!
What? It's true.
Remember when we were kids?
You get all the crayons
and mash them together... Yeah!
Mix 'em and they come out br
No! You eat the crayons
and they come out brown.
APPLAUSE
Kiss my chuddies, man!
That is both wrong and disgusting.
I'm talking about all the world's
peoples becoming a global tribe,
rejoicing in new-f
brown-ness.
So, you're saying, right,
everyone's gonna be Asian. Yeah!
Massive problem, man! What?
If everyone in the world is Asian,
who can I smoke in front of
without my mum f
It's a small price to pay
for racial harmony.
What about the cricket team? If
everyone's Asian, who will we play?
There'll be one big team, made up
of everybody, and everyone in the
world will take t
Same as now, then. Yeah. But think
of the massively positive aspects
of Asia World,
All shops will be permanently open.
You won't spend ages
waiting for a doctor,
cos you'll probably BE one!
Fierce, man, fierce!
But best of all -
in Asia World, there'll be no wars.
The planet will be ruled over in
peace by one all-powerful leader -
the Richard Brans
Who, man?
The Patak pickle family, innit?
BOTH: Innit!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
I love tandoori cooking.
How'd they get that amazing colour?
They use a traditional clay oven.
DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
Hello, dear.
Hi.
All on your own, eh? Yeah.
Yes, I was once shy, like you.
You know, back home, when we wanted
to win a man's heart, there was
only one wa
DANCE, of course! The dance of love,
the dance of seduction.
Nothing inflames a man
like the ancient Punjabi dance,
handed down from mothers
to daughters across the generations.
Will you show me?
Come, let us release
your untapped sensuality!
It's working.
Dance like the wind!
You know, I really respect you.
Yeah?
You're an educated, professional
Asian woman who has rejected the
traditional gender
And you've got great tits an' all!
Check, please!
'Chunky La Funga is the heart-throb
veteran of 4,000 Bollywood films.
'He hopes to make the same impact
on Western audiences.'
I love you!
INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS
BLUBBER S-I-I-INGH!
CLICK!
CLICK!
IN HINDI
BASTARD!
Ma...Ma...Ma...Ma!
Ma!
Neeey!
'I caught up with him on the set
of his latest movie adaptation
of a Jane Austen classic.'
To what do you attribute
your phenomenal Bollywood success?
So sorry. Your eyes...
they mesmerise me.
Of course, my fans really...love me.
They are the secret of my success.
Sweetie!
Darling, darling Mozzarella...
You know,
the girls really go crazy...
when I give them...the look.
The look? ..What's "the look"?
Well, sweetie, darling,
it goes something like this...
Very impressive! Good, huh?
Getting hot round the collar?
Very hot.
I can feel it. I can feel it.
Will it be difficult to adapt
this Bollywood style of movie acting
to Western period drama?
No.
But is it true that Bollywood films
tend to be rather stylised,
emphasising melodrama and heightened
external emotion, not the internal
characters of the Western
Ma'am, Mr Darcy is here.
May I present him?
Very well.
JA-A-A-A-NE!
I LOVE YO-O-OU!
Mr Darcy!
This is a presumptuous visit!
UP-BEAT HINDI SONG PLAYS
NA-A-H-I-I-N!
HARAMZADE!
Oh! It's so romantic,
holding hands under the table.
Check, please!
Don't worry, Dad.
The train's very safe.
I'll be in Paris before you know it.
Enjoy yourself. Send us a postcard.
Mum, say goodbye.
But...Paris?
Why you want to go to Paris?
I can make it at home for nothing!
Mum... I'll be rude to you
and spit in your food.
Then we can make a hole in the
ground for you to do your toilet.
Dad! Tell her! Leave me out of this.
Here, take this.
£10, please! That's Paris!
Mum, will you just leave it? Ah...
I'm so French -
I'm wearing a silly beret!
It's an aubergine. Sorry, no speak
English. Je parle only francais.
¦ Alouette, gentille alouette
¦ Alouette... ¦
According to your card, the
privilege of the next dance is mine.
WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
Did you have any trouble finding us?
No. I took the A10 and the B3118.
DOORBELL RINGS
Late arrivals?
The neighbours.
- Ooh! New blood.
- They're keen to blend in.
Surjeet...
St John! And Vanessa...
Love the costumes.
Why did you choose them?
You did say you were swingers.
Fore!
There'll be time
for foursomes later!
THEY SNIGGER
Glad to hear it. Vanessa's been up
all morning, polishing my wood.
I wouldn't have to if you didn't
take such big DIVOTS with it!
Get it?
You'll want to mingle
and let your hair down.
There's a couple
you'll really get on with.
SURJEET!
Dennis, you old party animal!
I see you're old friends.
Yes, yes!
Ish.
Glad you could make it.
Don't mention it, old fruity.
The baby's up late.
Oh! It's not a baby, Dennis.
He knew that! I knew that.
You'll find this scene very tame.
I bet you get up to exotic things
where you come from.
What, you mean next door?
You could teach us
a thing or two, eh?
We British are so sexually inhibited.
Er...yes, we are!
I'm very inhibited...sexually.
So is Dennis. ..Aren't you, dear?
Thank you. ..Huh?
You're sexually backward.
Completely useless!
There again, there's nothing
more British than a good orgy.
I should cocoa! Yes, we're always
having orgies at our place.
Very naughty. Very Bri
Our house is a cesspit
of sexual degradation!
Well, St John is frequently
beside himself with sexual rage.
Don't you think you've had enough?
You wish.
Well, if it's an orgy you're after...
we'll jump in any time!
Fill the bath with baked beans,
huh! Chain me to something painful!
Spank me hard and call me Barbara!
How about a bit of wife-swapping?
Set of screwdrivers for Charlotte?
I knew our Asian guests
would spice up the party.
What? You have...Asian guests?
Oh, twadi! ..Oh, dear.
We must go.
- What about the orgy?
- With ASIAN people?!
You perverts! Disgusting!
We're leaving.
Perverting! Perverting!
INAUDIBLE
Well, basically...
we've been continuously harrassed
since we got married.
Since we got married, that's right.
Stones through the window...
excrement through the letter box...
Threats. We've had threats. Yeah.
Basically, they've made our lives
a living hell.
'What's the reason
for this persecution?'
It's because I'm Muslim
and he's Hindu.
I'm not Hindu. I thought YOU were.
No.
I wonder what it is, then.
Namaste, namaste.
Welcome, one and all.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi
and this is my ashram.
Here you will find peace,
spiritual harmony
and inner enlightenment.
For £120 per night,
with breakfast and shower cap.
CHING!
The first thing you must do
on entering the ashram
is to shed the cares of the world,
which are symbolised
by your clothes.
So, get them off!
Not the men! Yours are symbolised
by your watches and credit cards.
Shed those in that hut over there.
Go! Take this blessing with you.
CHING!
HE CHANTS IN SANSKRIT
Pick, pick, pow! Catch the pigeon.
CHING!
Now, as you sit before me -
as God intended -
in your frilly underwear...
..the healing process can begin.
Firstly, I will cleanse your auras
by waving my hands in a strange and
mysterious fas
CHING!
IN SANSKRIT
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
CHING!
IN SANSKRIT
I'll find your chakra - the centre
of your spiritual power. Everyone's
is in a differ
Yours, my dear, is in the...
Perhaps we could examine it later.
8.30?
You like New World Chardonnays?
Yours...
yours is located with the men.
Go, go, go!
In a moment, I will run my hands
over your newly cleansed auras.
Now...sometimes the healing process
can feel quite intense.
So it may feel like I am caressing
your firm young bodies.
I assure you, this is not the case.
I want you to show your faith in me
by reaching out with your hearts,
your souls
and your writing hands.
Sign this binding disclaimer.
CHING!
Thank you!
To create the correct mood
for chakra location, I will play
a traditional, tantric in
CHING!
MUSIC:
"Never Never Gonna Give Ya Up"
by Barry White
MUSIC: Theme from "The Bill"
All right, son. Just turn round
slowly, with your hands on your head.
< Don't do anything silly.
SLEAZY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh...hello!
Fancy seeing YOU here!
Hello. Yes, I don't usually
shop here, no. My son
normally drives me to the West End.
So does mine,
and he PAYS for my shopping.
I'm here because I have to go to
Mothercare. My son has provided me
with, ooh, ANOTHER grandchild
What about your son -
still firing blanks?
Actually, my son is VERY fertile.
Oh, really?Oh, yes!
Only last month, he went to the
clinic to get his sperm counted.
Oh...and what did th
They're still counting.
Well, my son also went to the
clinic. But they didn't count it.
No? No. They just weighed it.
Well, actually, my son's wife
is pregnant...with triplets.
ALL boys.
MY son's wife is pregnant. Three
weeks after having the last one.
Also triplets, also all boys
and all, ooh, doctors!
Well, as soon as my son's wife has
had the QUADS, they'll immediately
enter the famil
leaving my son free to impregnate
his wife on a full-time basis.
My son's so fertile, he doesn't have
to be at home to impregnate her.
He can do it from the office,
by e-mail.
OK!
I'll tell you how fertile my son is.
The US Congress commissioned him
to repopulate the whole of Alaska.
Via satellite link-up.
Catch it on cable - pay per view.
You've heard of
the Asian population crisis?
MY son...working from home.
Well... And about his dunda -
it's enormous.
You really are a mysterious woman.
You really intrigue me. Oh! Why?
How does a dusky beauty like you
grow a blonde moustache, innit?
Check, please!
AUSSIE ACCENT:
I can't take it any more, Lalalene.
I know what's going on with you and
your second cousin from New Zealand.
I'm not sharing a house
with him any more.
Either he racks off or I do!
Dwayne, don't be a jerk.
He's just a friend.
DOOR BANGS
He's here! Don't do anything stupid.
Listen, mate,
it's time we had a talk.
INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS
< CUT!
Thank you, thank you!
Beautiful, beautiful! Lovely!
Did you get it, huh?
..Beautiful, gorgeous! ..Beautiful!
Well done, David.
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Time for a piss.
..MAKE-UP! Where are you?
Miaow, pussycats!
It's me -
Smeeta Smitten, showbiz kitten,
crawling through the cat flap of
controversy to deliver gossip from
the grunge under
Tonight, my little feline nobodies,
I have penetrated the hottest party.
Yeah...Bollywood director
GS Chopra's birthday bash!
It's show time, pussycats! Miaow!
Hiya, baby!
It's my favourite hero,
Chunky La Funga!
Looking strangely wizened without
his chest wig and platform boots.
Let's talk to him.
Amitabh!
Shame about the shoot, huh?
Hi, Chunky. How's it hanging?
Sorry, sweetie, no autographs.
I hear there's been tension
between you and Simple Patel on
your latest movie. Care t
Who the hell are you?
Any minute now, he'll burst into
laughter and give me a roguish hug.
It's me - Smeeta!
Remember? Smeeta? Me, you,
December '92? The photocopier?
YOU!
You bitch! How did you get in here?
What a joker! And here comes
Chunky's wife, Rekha,
to clear up the confusion.
You! I told you to keep away
from my husband, you slapper!
SHE MIAOWS FURIOUSLY
Security! Security! SECURITY!
Don't worry, viewers.
The cat always lands on her feet.
Ouch!
M-I-A-A-O-O-O-W!
Smeeta Smitten, in GS Chopra's
wheelie bin, saying good...
Oh! Look who it is!
It's Art Malik!
How chivalrous!
You'd never get that arse
under the table otherwise.
Check, please!
TYRES SQUEAL
Hi, Binder. Hi, Kul.
Wanna come for a spin? OK, Kul.
Jump in, innit.
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ I'm still single
And I'm bilingual
¦ I've never cut my hair
Or worn cheap underwear
¦ My qualifications
Go down well with Asians
Come on, Binder, let's go bhangra!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ I've never ventured
further than Heston
¦ I can sew and clean
Eat vegetarian cuisine
¦ Do what I oughta
Cos I'm a good daughter
¦ My boyfriend's 23
Drives a big Ford Capri
¦ He's so cute
And he's oh, so romantic
¦ You're my babe, you're my bird
Best you're seen and not heard
¦ Hurry up, now strip off
Mind my gear stick
¦ You can look, but keep it clean
Or my brothers'll split your spleen
Oo-oh-wo!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ Heavy petting
Is all you're getting
¦ You can beg and plead
Fall down on your knees
¦ But no hanky-panky
Until our shadi
¦ Come on, Binder, let's go bhangra
Oh-oh-yeah!
¦ Come on, Binder
Let's go pictures
Oo-oh-wo! Hounslow!
¦ Come on, Binder, let's go pizza
Oh-OK!
¦ Come on, Binder
Take your top off
Oh, no!
¦ I can pout, I can flirt
Like a thick bit of skirt
¦ Let your man think they're God
Said my mummy
¦ I can pose, I can shout
Knock my woman about
¦ If I don't
My mates call me pansy
Oh, pansy!
¦ We can touch
Play the game
¦ But we don't talk
Ain't that a shame?
¦ Maybe we could be friends
¦ But instead, we pretend that...
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ Only respected
If I do what's expected
¦ Now I'm settled with a mate
I'll grow a beard and put on weight
¦ My happy ending
No more pretending
¦ Come on, Binder
Clean that window
Oh-oh-yeah!
¦ Come on, Binder, cook my dinner
All right! Don't bite!
¦ Come on, bwoti, wash my dhoti
Oh-oh-dear!
¦ And while you're here
Trim my nose hair
Oh, no!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
¦ In a Punjabi world
¦ No-one told me
About matrimony
¦ You start off with a date
¦ And end up at Relate
¦ Who anticipated
Love so complicated? ¦
Kul, I'm not happy.
We only just got married.
I love you. Whatever.
How about we just talk tonight?
Yeah, all right.
Prastantamantra!
The quintessence of fate, based on
a multi-dimensional spirituality,
purporting to se
BOTH: Accha!
So, that's two triple word scores,
a double letter score, and I've
used up all my let
Goodness gracious me!
I tell you, man,
this place has changed totally.
That's what happens when you don't
come to school for a year, innit?
When we started here, there weren't
as many Asian kids as there are now.
There's a massive increase
in the number of brown people
in the world, including our
Why, man?
Everybody's cross-breeding
with each other, innit?
Not with us, they ain't, man.
Shut up and listen
to what I'm telling you, right?
There is a global, pan-continental,
inter-racial, rasmulai festival on!
Fact, right - in the year 2050,
everyone on the Earth will be brown
because of in
Ye-a-a-aah! Like crayons!
What? It's true.
Remember when we were kids?
You get all the crayons
and mash them together... Yeah!
Mix 'em and they come out br
No! You eat the crayons
and they come out brown.
APPLAUSE
Kiss my chuddies, man!
That is both wrong and disgusting.
I'm talking about all the world's
peoples becoming a global tribe,
rejoicing in new-f
brown-ness.
So, you're saying, right,
everyone's gonna be Asian. Yeah!
Massive problem, man! What?
If everyone in the world is Asian,
who can I smoke in front of
without my mum f
It's a small price to pay
for racial harmony.
What about the cricket team? If
everyone's Asian, who will we play?
There'll be one big team, made up
of everybody, and everyone in the
world will take t
Same as now, then. Yeah. But think
of the massively positive aspects
of Asia World,
All shops will be permanently open.
You won't spend ages
waiting for a doctor,
cos you'll probably BE one!
Fierce, man, fierce!
But best of all -
in Asia World, there'll be no wars.
The planet will be ruled over in
peace by one all-powerful leader -
the Richard Brans
Who, man?
The Patak pickle family, innit?
BOTH: Innit!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
I love tandoori cooking.
How'd they get that amazing colour?
They use a traditional clay oven.
DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
Hello, dear.
Hi.
All on your own, eh? Yeah.
Yes, I was once shy, like you.
You know, back home, when we wanted
to win a man's heart, there was
only one wa
DANCE, of course! The dance of love,
the dance of seduction.
Nothing inflames a man
like the ancient Punjabi dance,
handed down from mothers
to daughters across the generations.
Will you show me?
Come, let us release
your untapped sensuality!
It's working.
Dance like the wind!
You know, I really respect you.
Yeah?
You're an educated, professional
Asian woman who has rejected the
traditional gender
And you've got great tits an' all!
Check, please!
'Chunky La Funga is the heart-throb
veteran of 4,000 Bollywood films.
'He hopes to make the same impact
on Western audiences.'
I love you!
INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS
BLUBBER S-I-I-INGH!
CLICK!
CLICK!
IN HINDI
BASTARD!
Ma...Ma...Ma...Ma!
Ma!
Neeey!
'I caught up with him on the set
of his latest movie adaptation
of a Jane Austen classic.'
To what do you attribute
your phenomenal Bollywood success?
So sorry. Your eyes...
they mesmerise me.
Of course, my fans really...love me.
They are the secret of my success.
Sweetie!
Darling, darling Mozzarella...
You know,
the girls really go crazy...
when I give them...the look.
The look? ..What's "the look"?
Well, sweetie, darling,
it goes something like this...
Very impressive! Good, huh?
Getting hot round the collar?
Very hot.
I can feel it. I can feel it.
Will it be difficult to adapt
this Bollywood style of movie acting
to Western period drama?
No.
But is it true that Bollywood films
tend to be rather stylised,
emphasising melodrama and heightened
external emotion, not the internal
characters of the Western
Ma'am, Mr Darcy is here.
May I present him?
Very well.
JA-A-A-A-NE!
I LOVE YO-O-OU!
Mr Darcy!
This is a presumptuous visit!
UP-BEAT HINDI SONG PLAYS
NA-A-H-I-I-N!
HARAMZADE!
Oh! It's so romantic,
holding hands under the table.
Check, please!
Don't worry, Dad.
The train's very safe.
I'll be in Paris before you know it.
Enjoy yourself. Send us a postcard.
Mum, say goodbye.
But...Paris?
Why you want to go to Paris?
I can make it at home for nothing!
Mum... I'll be rude to you
and spit in your food.
Then we can make a hole in the
ground for you to do your toilet.
Dad! Tell her! Leave me out of this.
Here, take this.
£10, please! That's Paris!
Mum, will you just leave it? Ah...
I'm so French -
I'm wearing a silly beret!
It's an aubergine. Sorry, no speak
English. Je parle only francais.
¦ Alouette, gentille alouette
¦ Alouette... ¦
According to your card, the
privilege of the next dance is mine.
WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
Did you have any trouble finding us?
No. I took the A10 and the B3118.
DOORBELL RINGS
Late arrivals?
The neighbours.
- Ooh! New blood.
- They're keen to blend in.
Surjeet...
St John! And Vanessa...
Love the costumes.
Why did you choose them?
You did say you were swingers.
Fore!
There'll be time
for foursomes later!
THEY SNIGGER
Glad to hear it. Vanessa's been up
all morning, polishing my wood.
I wouldn't have to if you didn't
take such big DIVOTS with it!
Get it?
You'll want to mingle
and let your hair down.
There's a couple
you'll really get on with.
SURJEET!
Dennis, you old party animal!
I see you're old friends.
Yes, yes!
Ish.
Glad you could make it.
Don't mention it, old fruity.
The baby's up late.
Oh! It's not a baby, Dennis.
He knew that! I knew that.
You'll find this scene very tame.
I bet you get up to exotic things
where you come from.
What, you mean next door?
You could teach us
a thing or two, eh?
We British are so sexually inhibited.
Er...yes, we are!
I'm very inhibited...sexually.
So is Dennis. ..Aren't you, dear?
Thank you. ..Huh?
You're sexually backward.
Completely useless!
There again, there's nothing
more British than a good orgy.
I should cocoa! Yes, we're always
having orgies at our place.
Very naughty. Very Bri
Our house is a cesspit
of sexual degradation!
Well, St John is frequently
beside himself with sexual rage.
Don't you think you've had enough?
You wish.
Well, if it's an orgy you're after...
we'll jump in any time!
Fill the bath with baked beans,
huh! Chain me to something painful!
Spank me hard and call me Barbara!
How about a bit of wife-swapping?
Set of screwdrivers for Charlotte?
I knew our Asian guests
would spice up the party.
What? You have...Asian guests?
Oh, twadi! ..Oh, dear.
We must go.
- What about the orgy?
- With ASIAN people?!
You perverts! Disgusting!
We're leaving.
Perverting! Perverting!
INAUDIBLE
Well, basically...
we've been continuously harrassed
since we got married.
Since we got married, that's right.
Stones through the window...
excrement through the letter box...
Threats. We've had threats. Yeah.
Basically, they've made our lives
a living hell.
'What's the reason
for this persecution?'
It's because I'm Muslim
and he's Hindu.
I'm not Hindu. I thought YOU were.
No.
I wonder what it is, then.
Namaste, namaste.
Welcome, one and all.
I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi
and this is my ashram.
Here you will find peace,
spiritual harmony
and inner enlightenment.
For £120 per night,
with breakfast and shower cap.
CHING!
The first thing you must do
on entering the ashram
is to shed the cares of the world,
which are symbolised
by your clothes.
So, get them off!
Not the men! Yours are symbolised
by your watches and credit cards.
Shed those in that hut over there.
Go! Take this blessing with you.
CHING!
HE CHANTS IN SANSKRIT
Pick, pick, pow! Catch the pigeon.
CHING!
Now, as you sit before me -
as God intended -
in your frilly underwear...
..the healing process can begin.
Firstly, I will cleanse your auras
by waving my hands in a strange and
mysterious fas
CHING!
IN SANSKRIT
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
CHING!
IN SANSKRIT
I'll find your chakra - the centre
of your spiritual power. Everyone's
is in a differ
Yours, my dear, is in the...
Perhaps we could examine it later.
8.30?
You like New World Chardonnays?
Yours...
yours is located with the men.
Go, go, go!
In a moment, I will run my hands
over your newly cleansed auras.
Now...sometimes the healing process
can feel quite intense.
So it may feel like I am caressing
your firm young bodies.
I assure you, this is not the case.
I want you to show your faith in me
by reaching out with your hearts,
your souls
and your writing hands.
Sign this binding disclaimer.
CHING!
Thank you!
To create the correct mood
for chakra location, I will play
a traditional, tantric in
CHING!
MUSIC:
"Never Never Gonna Give Ya Up"
by Barry White
MUSIC: Theme from "The Bill"
All right, son. Just turn round
slowly, with your hands on your head.
< Don't do anything silly.
SLEAZY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
Oh...hello!
Fancy seeing YOU here!
Hello. Yes, I don't usually
shop here, no. My son
normally drives me to the West End.
So does mine,
and he PAYS for my shopping.
I'm here because I have to go to
Mothercare. My son has provided me
with, ooh, ANOTHER grandchild
What about your son -
still firing blanks?
Actually, my son is VERY fertile.
Oh, really?Oh, yes!
Only last month, he went to the
clinic to get his sperm counted.
Oh...and what did th
They're still counting.
Well, my son also went to the
clinic. But they didn't count it.
No? No. They just weighed it.
Well, actually, my son's wife
is pregnant...with triplets.
ALL boys.
MY son's wife is pregnant. Three
weeks after having the last one.
Also triplets, also all boys
and all, ooh, doctors!
Well, as soon as my son's wife has
had the QUADS, they'll immediately
enter the famil
leaving my son free to impregnate
his wife on a full-time basis.
My son's so fertile, he doesn't have
to be at home to impregnate her.
He can do it from the office,
by e-mail.
OK!
I'll tell you how fertile my son is.
The US Congress commissioned him
to repopulate the whole of Alaska.
Via satellite link-up.
Catch it on cable - pay per view.
You've heard of
the Asian population crisis?
MY son...working from home.
Well... And about his dunda -
it's enormous.
You really are a mysterious woman.
You really intrigue me. Oh! Why?
How does a dusky beauty like you
grow a blonde moustache, innit?
Check, please!
AUSSIE ACCENT:
I can't take it any more, Lalalene.
I know what's going on with you and
your second cousin from New Zealand.
I'm not sharing a house
with him any more.
Either he racks off or I do!
Dwayne, don't be a jerk.
He's just a friend.
DOOR BANGS
He's here! Don't do anything stupid.
Listen, mate,
it's time we had a talk.
INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS
< CUT!
Thank you, thank you!
Beautiful, beautiful! Lovely!
Did you get it, huh?
..Beautiful, gorgeous! ..Beautiful!
Well done, David.
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Time for a piss.
..MAKE-UP! Where are you?
Miaow, pussycats!
It's me -
Smeeta Smitten, showbiz kitten,
crawling through the cat flap of
controversy to deliver gossip from
the grunge under
Tonight, my little feline nobodies,
I have penetrated the hottest party.
Yeah...Bollywood director
GS Chopra's birthday bash!
It's show time, pussycats! Miaow!
Hiya, baby!
It's my favourite hero,
Chunky La Funga!
Looking strangely wizened without
his chest wig and platform boots.
Let's talk to him.
Amitabh!
Shame about the shoot, huh?
Hi, Chunky. How's it hanging?
Sorry, sweetie, no autographs.
I hear there's been tension
between you and Simple Patel on
your latest movie. Care t
Who the hell are you?
Any minute now, he'll burst into
laughter and give me a roguish hug.
It's me - Smeeta!
Remember? Smeeta? Me, you,
December '92? The photocopier?
YOU!
You bitch! How did you get in here?
What a joker! And here comes
Chunky's wife, Rekha,
to clear up the confusion.
You! I told you to keep away
from my husband, you slapper!
SHE MIAOWS FURIOUSLY
Security! Security! SECURITY!
Don't worry, viewers.
The cat always lands on her feet.
Ouch!
M-I-A-A-O-O-O-W!
Smeeta Smitten, in GS Chopra's
wheelie bin, saying good...
Oh! Look who it is!
It's Art Malik!
How chivalrous!
You'd never get that arse
under the table otherwise.
Check, please!
TYRES SQUEAL
Hi, Binder. Hi, Kul.
Wanna come for a spin? OK, Kul.
Jump in, innit.
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ I'm still single
And I'm bilingual
¦ I've never cut my hair
Or worn cheap underwear
¦ My qualifications
Go down well with Asians
Come on, Binder, let's go bhangra!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ I've never ventured
further than Heston
¦ I can sew and clean
Eat vegetarian cuisine
¦ Do what I oughta
Cos I'm a good daughter
¦ My boyfriend's 23
Drives a big Ford Capri
¦ He's so cute
And he's oh, so romantic
¦ You're my babe, you're my bird
Best you're seen and not heard
¦ Hurry up, now strip off
Mind my gear stick
¦ You can look, but keep it clean
Or my brothers'll split your spleen
Oo-oh-wo!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ Heavy petting
Is all you're getting
¦ You can beg and plead
Fall down on your knees
¦ But no hanky-panky
Until our shadi
¦ Come on, Binder, let's go bhangra
Oh-oh-yeah!
¦ Come on, Binder
Let's go pictures
Oo-oh-wo! Hounslow!
¦ Come on, Binder, let's go pizza
Oh-OK!
¦ Come on, Binder
Take your top off
Oh, no!
¦ I can pout, I can flirt
Like a thick bit of skirt
¦ Let your man think they're God
Said my mummy
¦ I can pose, I can shout
Knock my woman about
¦ If I don't
My mates call me pansy
Oh, pansy!
¦ We can touch
Play the game
¦ But we don't talk
Ain't that a shame?
¦ Maybe we could be friends
¦ But instead, we pretend that...
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
In a Punjabi world
¦ Only respected
If I do what's expected
¦ Now I'm settled with a mate
I'll grow a beard and put on weight
¦ My happy ending
No more pretending
¦ Come on, Binder
Clean that window
Oh-oh-yeah!
¦ Come on, Binder, cook my dinner
All right! Don't bite!
¦ Come on, bwoti, wash my dhoti
Oh-oh-dear!
¦ And while you're here
Trim my nose hair
Oh, no!
¦ I'm a Punjabi girl
¦ In a Punjabi world
¦ No-one told me
About matrimony
¦ You start off with a date
¦ And end up at Relate
¦ Who anticipated
Love so complicated? ¦
Kul, I'm not happy.
We only just got married.
I love you. Whatever.
How about we just talk tonight?
Yeah, all right.
Prastantamantra!
The quintessence of fate, based on
a multi-dimensional spirituality,
purporting to se
BOTH: Accha!
So, that's two triple word scores,
a double letter score, and I've
used up all my let
Goodness gracious me!