Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
How could our son - our own flesh
and blood - disgrace us in this way?
I can't think of him
as anything other than a Muslim!
Do you think
that I enjoy telling people
that my only son is now...Jewish?
DOOR OPENS
I'll handle this. You're too
hysterical. We need everything calm.
SO THE TRAITOR HAS RETURNED!
Look, it's Javed.
Or should we call him JUDAS?
AS WOODY ALLEN:
Jesus, Dad! You're so melodramatic!
Where's Mom? In the oven.
I'm dead!
Mom, get outta there! Please!
See what you've done?
A Muslim boy would never put his
mother in any kitchen appliance!
It's OK, Dad.
It's an electric oven.
You used to like my food
before you became all Jewish!
Now you hate
your Muslim mother and father! No!
Are you crazy? No... You're
the only mom and dad I've got!
I thought you'd be pleased to
see me happy through spirituality!
I don't pursue happiness
through pornography and drugs -
mainly because we're related
to every pharmacist and newsagent
from here to Nuremberg!
But why Judaism?
Would it be any better
if I were Buddhist?
Islam is growing! More and more are
joining! And you had a head start!
Head start?
What is it, an egg-and-spoon race?
Hundreds are running towards Mecca.
You run the other way!
What are you, a trout?
My son's a trout!
Actually, it's SALMON that go
upstream. Don't take advantage of
your father's innocence about fish!
What do you think I am,
chopped liver? I can fight my own
battles! I know nothing about fish.
But we thank the Almighty
we have a JEW here to tell us!
I'm only his father!
Things can never be the same
between us.
Why not? We still have so much in
common. You'll start eating pork.
Jews don't eat pork.
You say halal, we say kosher.
You say salaam, I say shalom.
Some things you can never get back.
Muslims are circumcised too. You
said we were a cut above the rest.
He's only going through a phase.
Ever notice how similar a rabbi and
a Muslim cleric are? Beard, robes,
never picking up the cheque...
Maybe we can get him some pills.
But it's almost the same.
What is he talking about? Jeez,
I feel my brain tumour coming back.
I gotta see my analyst.
BOTH: Hai...Hai...Hoivey!
OK, everyone, cake time!
CHEERING
Sweetheart!
Come and cut your cake!
POUNDING
Such a healthy boy!
We can't cut the cake
until we've taken some photos!
Oh, he's good. He won't touch it,
will you, darling?
Wish these blokes would leave
us alone, innit?
We can't help being gorgeous! Yeah!
AS IF!
RING RING
In your dreams, buddy!
You know what the problem is.
Yeah. Yeah. What?
We are not only gorgeous.
We are fashionable an' all.
Asian style is happening.
Look at Jemima Khan. I ain't never
seen her in no Lycra boob tube.
Them suits. Like
our mums wear for kilty parties.
Yeah. And all these
white girls wearing bindis.
Yeah. Bet they don't even know
what a bindi means. Innit!
What's it mean, then? It is...
Yeah? A religious,
sociological, cultural...
sticky mole!
Yeah. And it's not just our clothes.
It's our skin too.
Brown is the new black, innit?
Asian is cool. That's why
all them Hollywood hunks have
Asian girlfriends. Yeah, like...
Andrew Neil. Innit? Yeah!
Look, buddy, it takes
more than a couple of free drinks!
In your dreams!
When will you get the message - we
are not a couple of ethnic trinkets!
This don't come off, you know!
Sorry. We don't want molested by
every bloke who loses control at the
sight of a couple of gorgeous girls!
You should be all right here, then.
Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon. I would like to peruse
your board of conjugal delights
in hope of spousal satisfaction.
Pardon, sir?
Ehhh...
I'm looking for a wife, innit?
Oh! Well, you've come to the right
place. This is a marriage emporium!
We have partners for even the
weirdest of desires - all sizes,
colours, castes and qualifications!
Excellent.
I'd like a 24-year-old, 5 foot 4,
Gujerati hygienist with no vices.
Oh, we've just run out!
The last one went yesterday to
a very nice lawyer from Notting Hill.
How about a nice bit of 5 foot 3
Bengali systems analyst, then?
Oh, not on Friday, sir!
Only on a Monday, sir.
I see... Rajistani pharmacist?
Eh... Sorry.
Marathi steer-wrangler? Nope.
Goan ventriloquist? Not as such.
What do you mean, not as such? No.
Parsi ballerina?
Yes, sir. I'll take her!
Oh, I thought you meant me. What?
That's my name, sir.
Ashok Parsi Ballerina. I see...
Right, then... How about a Punjabi
accountant? Oh, no, sir.
Why not? Not much call for Punjabi
accountants around here. It's the
most popular bride in the world!
Not here, sir. What's popular here?
Could do you some nice South Indian
chiropodist. Perfect! I'll take her.
She's a bit dark. That's fine.
Probably a bit darker than you like.
No, no. Probably too dark for you.
I don't care
how bloody dark she is! Bring forth
the dusky corn-curer of Kerala!
Oh...! That Sikh's just got her.
What? Sikh gentleman rushed in
behind your back. Paid cash.
Do you have any brides at all?
We're a marriage emporium, sir!
Really?
Not really, sir, no.
..Yes, sir, can I help you?
I wish to register a complaint.
Yes, sir? This bride...
..is dead! Beautiful, though.
Hi, there. Hello. I couldn't help
but notice you across the bar.
Are you on your own?
Yes! My name's Simon.
You are...? Rita. Rita.
Wow. What a beautiful name.
So exotic.
Thank you. Speaks to me
of concealed native passion.
Untapped sensuality.
Redolent of dark secrets closely
guarded by inscrutable womenfolk.
Heh heh heh...
Excuse my presumption, but it's so
unusual to see an Asian girl out on
her own. Especially one so beautiful.
You intrigue me, Rita. What would it
take to get to know you better?
I thought you'd never ask.
It's £25 for hand relief.
Full personal's £50.
And an hour is £75.
Ahh... This is the life, eh, Dad?
On the verandah, enjoying a
perfect English summer's evening.
There's nothing English
abouttheword verandah. It's
anIndian word. Is it? Ofcourse!
She stole it from India!
Ididn'tknow that. Andshampoo.
and bungalowand jungle. OK,OK...
All these English people sitting on
the verandahs of their bungalows,
looking at the jungle,
using their shampoo!
"Western" civilisation? Rubbish!
So they borrowed the word shampoo!
Not just shampoo. Also conditioner.
What?
Brylcreem,
gel, mousse, Wash 'n' Go...
They stole them from India!
That's not true! What do YOU know?
You think all we had in India
was Partition?
Not true. We also had side partition.
Bubble perm. Layered bob.
Hang on... And not just bungalow!
Mock Tudor mansion!
Warehouse conversion! That's enough!
Two-up-two-down...
You're always banging on
about everything coming from India
when it doesn't! It's all bullshit!
What? I said...bullshit!
Also Indian.
As is horseshit, cowshit...
That's another one!
Undressing me with his eyes!
In your dreams, buddy! Why can't
they leave us alone, innit? Innit?
We can't help being gorgeous!
..You'll be lucky! They
just assume we're available, innit?
IN YOUR DREAMS, BUDDY!
OK, that's enough. Mmmmm!
Oh, just a bit more.
Oh, that's enough!
Bad for your teeth!
Mmmrrrmmm...
That's enough.
It'll upset your tummy.
There you go.
Doctor, why did you want to see me?
Calm down, Miss Kapur. I was
just going through your records -
a few things I'd like to clear up.
Could we do a few tests? Sure!
If you'd just like to sit here. OK.
Could you just cross your legs,
please?
Right... If you could repeat
the following words after me. Zoo.
Zoo. Zebra. Zebra.
Zabardasti? Zbbzbbzz.
Hmm. If you could just open wide.
Say "Ah"... Ahh.
Ahh... Ahhh.
"BOLLYWOOD" STYLE:
# A-A-A-A-AH...! #
Ah... Yes.
Finally... Does this hurt?
OWW! Yes, obviously.
Miss Kapur, I am sorry to inform you
that you are, eh...LIC positive.
You mean...? Yes.
Lack of Indian Culture. POSITIVE!
Can anything be done?
There is only one hope... OPERATION!
AGGGGH! Or you could take this pill.
Oh, thank you!
Miss Kapur! Are you all right?
Excellent! Excellent!
Just a few tests, OK?
If you would cross your legs?
Excellent! Please repeat the
following words. Aloo ka prantha.
Aloo ka prantha.
Bata chappal. Bata chappal.
Excellent. Now, say "Ahh".
BOLLYWOOD STYLE:
# Ahhhh... #
Now, finally,
tell me - does this hurt?
A complete success! You are
now a fully-fledged Indian woman!
Dr Sahib mujhe...yeh kya hua?
There ARE a few side effects.
You won't be able to speak English.
Never mind... Doctor, sahib ab mai
Yorkshire Building society mein
kasse kaa karungi! Not my problem.
Ne, Doctor!
Fits of melodrama
are quite normal!
SHE SOBS
It'll never stand up in court...
I have to go... SHUT UP!
I'm going out with my friends!
Clean this place while I'm gone,
Indian woman!
Can I help you?
Indian!
Here he comes again!
Look, we said no, innit?
Again! I don't BELIEVE it, innit?
IN YOUR DREAMS, BUDDY!
'Will passengers for BA flight 713
for Karachi please go to Gate 24?'
# I still recall the moment we met
One hot day in Lahore
# My cousin Ambreem
was getting married
# We had never met before
# We saw each other
and we fell in love
and got married straight away
# But while I'm back home
in Hemel Hempstead
You're still a thousand miles away
# Cos nothing could compare
to the love that we have
Nothing could describe the elation
# And nothing's gonna
split us or keep us apart
# Except for - immigration
# The Home Office guys
didn't believe you
They called you a passport case
# If only they knew
how desperate I am
To see your smiling face
# They asked me
all kinds of silly questions
To prove that we were true
# Your shirt collar size
and what would you read
when you sat on the loo!
# But I don't care
what the Home Office says
I'm going for that visa application
# Cos nothing's
gonna keep us apart, baby
# Except for - immigration
# No, nothing's gonna keep me
from calling your name
The phone bill's an abomination
# And nothing's gonna split us
or keep us apart
# Except for - immigration
# And why is it the whole world
can see we're in love
# Except for...Immigration? #
(Ssshh).
(Ssshh).
POUNDING
WHINING NOISE
< Darling no!
BOY SQUEALS
TV ON
Mum, Dad, I'm going out.
See you later. What?
I'm going out with my friends.
Oh...OK.
What? Nothing, nothing. You go out.
Go out with your friends.
Friends are more important than
family! Oh, Mum...! Really. Go.
Leave your parents,
who gave you life!
I hardly ever go out! Soon
we will be dead and then you can go
every night to your pubs and clubs!
Your Ministry Of Sound!
OK...! I'll stay in, then!
Well, it's up to you!
Can I watch the football, then?
Your father is watching
Star Trek: Deep Space 9.
Can I flick over for a second
to see the score? OK. For a second.
Thank you. You are young.
What is one second to you?
We are old. We will probably
be dead in one second.
Then you can watch football
in your pubs and clubs.
Your Ministry Of Sound!
OK, forget it!
I'll be in my room! Why not?
Why sit with us? You can sit
with us plenty at our funerals!
This is ridiculous! We're ALL gonna
die! I could get run over by a bus.
I can't take these constant
guilt trips any more!
I'm going out and that's that!
BRAKES SQUEAL...CRASH!
Ohhh...!
That's right! Don't worry about US!
Soon we'll be dead.
THEN you can sit under your bus
in your pubs and clubs!
Your Ministry Of Sound!
In your dreams, buddy!
Yeah! As if! Typical.
They see two gorgeous girls
and they lose control! Come back!
NO CHANCE!
OK, OK, guys. Settle down.
Now, as you all know,
we here at Sutchi & Jutha
pride ourselves on taking on tough
advertising campaigns and winning.
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
They said we couldn't sell
toilet paper to the villages.
But we DID with Ravi's slogan!
There's the man! It was nothing.
Nahin yaar! It was genius!
"Why take two lotas into the field
when you can wipe and go?" Great!
And this is the big one, guys.
We just landed the Feminum account.
Great!
We will be the first ad agency in
India to promote Feminum tampons.
That's great, Rani... Eh, guys?
Uh... It's a chance to give modern
choices to the modern Indian woman!
So...ideas. Nellum.
WHAT?
Well, you're the woman...
SO? Ask one of the bloody men for
a damn change! Where's my Nurofen?
Any ideas from the English ads?
They have a beautiful girl jumping
out of a plane in a Lycra suit
singing # It's my life! #
I don't think we want to confuse
our women with aerial tactics.
Think of the mess!
Please, guys. Grow up.
Yeah, it's a perfectly natural
physiological process. Right.
What do you mean, exactly?
A natural process.
The woman's...thing.
Yes? And this...Feminum...thing...
is for that...thing.
Oh, the thing(!)
Look at the product
and tell me what you think.
Oh, God. I feel sorry for women.
It can't be much fun having
to swallow one of these every month.
It doesn't go in the mouth!
Really? Where does it go?
WHISPERS
WHAT? REALLY...?
It'll need a health warning!
Why?
Only to be used by married women!
We don't want
hundreds of angry fathers!
With a pandit.
YOU need a warning, Dung Breath!
I'm sorry!
I've got it! The ad!
Great! Share it!
Start with tinkling music... Sort of
housewife dum dee dum dee dum theme.
She wafts into frame. Who? Today's
Indian woman in a full-length burkha.
A bell around her neck
and a sign saying "Unclean!"
She's so disgusted with herself,
she buys... Ta-da! Thing!
Brilliant! We can give away a big
bell with every packet of...thing!
"This thing for that thing...
with a ding!"
Brilliant!
God... Excuse me.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
What's wrong with her?
Time of the month.
I thought it was 4.30.
# E Feminum! O Feminum!Thisthing
for that thing...withading! #
Subtitles by Anne Morgan
BBC-1998
Know where this comes from?
India!
Goodness gracious me!
and blood - disgrace us in this way?
I can't think of him
as anything other than a Muslim!
Do you think
that I enjoy telling people
that my only son is now...Jewish?
DOOR OPENS
I'll handle this. You're too
hysterical. We need everything calm.
SO THE TRAITOR HAS RETURNED!
Look, it's Javed.
Or should we call him JUDAS?
AS WOODY ALLEN:
Jesus, Dad! You're so melodramatic!
Where's Mom? In the oven.
I'm dead!
Mom, get outta there! Please!
See what you've done?
A Muslim boy would never put his
mother in any kitchen appliance!
It's OK, Dad.
It's an electric oven.
You used to like my food
before you became all Jewish!
Now you hate
your Muslim mother and father! No!
Are you crazy? No... You're
the only mom and dad I've got!
I thought you'd be pleased to
see me happy through spirituality!
I don't pursue happiness
through pornography and drugs -
mainly because we're related
to every pharmacist and newsagent
from here to Nuremberg!
But why Judaism?
Would it be any better
if I were Buddhist?
Islam is growing! More and more are
joining! And you had a head start!
Head start?
What is it, an egg-and-spoon race?
Hundreds are running towards Mecca.
You run the other way!
What are you, a trout?
My son's a trout!
Actually, it's SALMON that go
upstream. Don't take advantage of
your father's innocence about fish!
What do you think I am,
chopped liver? I can fight my own
battles! I know nothing about fish.
But we thank the Almighty
we have a JEW here to tell us!
I'm only his father!
Things can never be the same
between us.
Why not? We still have so much in
common. You'll start eating pork.
Jews don't eat pork.
You say halal, we say kosher.
You say salaam, I say shalom.
Some things you can never get back.
Muslims are circumcised too. You
said we were a cut above the rest.
He's only going through a phase.
Ever notice how similar a rabbi and
a Muslim cleric are? Beard, robes,
never picking up the cheque...
Maybe we can get him some pills.
But it's almost the same.
What is he talking about? Jeez,
I feel my brain tumour coming back.
I gotta see my analyst.
BOTH: Hai...Hai...Hoivey!
OK, everyone, cake time!
CHEERING
Sweetheart!
Come and cut your cake!
POUNDING
Such a healthy boy!
We can't cut the cake
until we've taken some photos!
Oh, he's good. He won't touch it,
will you, darling?
Wish these blokes would leave
us alone, innit?
We can't help being gorgeous! Yeah!
AS IF!
RING RING
In your dreams, buddy!
You know what the problem is.
Yeah. Yeah. What?
We are not only gorgeous.
We are fashionable an' all.
Asian style is happening.
Look at Jemima Khan. I ain't never
seen her in no Lycra boob tube.
Them suits. Like
our mums wear for kilty parties.
Yeah. And all these
white girls wearing bindis.
Yeah. Bet they don't even know
what a bindi means. Innit!
What's it mean, then? It is...
Yeah? A religious,
sociological, cultural...
sticky mole!
Yeah. And it's not just our clothes.
It's our skin too.
Brown is the new black, innit?
Asian is cool. That's why
all them Hollywood hunks have
Asian girlfriends. Yeah, like...
Andrew Neil. Innit? Yeah!
Look, buddy, it takes
more than a couple of free drinks!
In your dreams!
When will you get the message - we
are not a couple of ethnic trinkets!
This don't come off, you know!
Sorry. We don't want molested by
every bloke who loses control at the
sight of a couple of gorgeous girls!
You should be all right here, then.
Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon. I would like to peruse
your board of conjugal delights
in hope of spousal satisfaction.
Pardon, sir?
Ehhh...
I'm looking for a wife, innit?
Oh! Well, you've come to the right
place. This is a marriage emporium!
We have partners for even the
weirdest of desires - all sizes,
colours, castes and qualifications!
Excellent.
I'd like a 24-year-old, 5 foot 4,
Gujerati hygienist with no vices.
Oh, we've just run out!
The last one went yesterday to
a very nice lawyer from Notting Hill.
How about a nice bit of 5 foot 3
Bengali systems analyst, then?
Oh, not on Friday, sir!
Only on a Monday, sir.
I see... Rajistani pharmacist?
Eh... Sorry.
Marathi steer-wrangler? Nope.
Goan ventriloquist? Not as such.
What do you mean, not as such? No.
Parsi ballerina?
Yes, sir. I'll take her!
Oh, I thought you meant me. What?
That's my name, sir.
Ashok Parsi Ballerina. I see...
Right, then... How about a Punjabi
accountant? Oh, no, sir.
Why not? Not much call for Punjabi
accountants around here. It's the
most popular bride in the world!
Not here, sir. What's popular here?
Could do you some nice South Indian
chiropodist. Perfect! I'll take her.
She's a bit dark. That's fine.
Probably a bit darker than you like.
No, no. Probably too dark for you.
I don't care
how bloody dark she is! Bring forth
the dusky corn-curer of Kerala!
Oh...! That Sikh's just got her.
What? Sikh gentleman rushed in
behind your back. Paid cash.
Do you have any brides at all?
We're a marriage emporium, sir!
Really?
Not really, sir, no.
..Yes, sir, can I help you?
I wish to register a complaint.
Yes, sir? This bride...
..is dead! Beautiful, though.
Hi, there. Hello. I couldn't help
but notice you across the bar.
Are you on your own?
Yes! My name's Simon.
You are...? Rita. Rita.
Wow. What a beautiful name.
So exotic.
Thank you. Speaks to me
of concealed native passion.
Untapped sensuality.
Redolent of dark secrets closely
guarded by inscrutable womenfolk.
Heh heh heh...
Excuse my presumption, but it's so
unusual to see an Asian girl out on
her own. Especially one so beautiful.
You intrigue me, Rita. What would it
take to get to know you better?
I thought you'd never ask.
It's £25 for hand relief.
Full personal's £50.
And an hour is £75.
Ahh... This is the life, eh, Dad?
On the verandah, enjoying a
perfect English summer's evening.
There's nothing English
abouttheword verandah. It's
anIndian word. Is it? Ofcourse!
She stole it from India!
Ididn'tknow that. Andshampoo.
and bungalowand jungle. OK,OK...
All these English people sitting on
the verandahs of their bungalows,
looking at the jungle,
using their shampoo!
"Western" civilisation? Rubbish!
So they borrowed the word shampoo!
Not just shampoo. Also conditioner.
What?
Brylcreem,
gel, mousse, Wash 'n' Go...
They stole them from India!
That's not true! What do YOU know?
You think all we had in India
was Partition?
Not true. We also had side partition.
Bubble perm. Layered bob.
Hang on... And not just bungalow!
Mock Tudor mansion!
Warehouse conversion! That's enough!
Two-up-two-down...
You're always banging on
about everything coming from India
when it doesn't! It's all bullshit!
What? I said...bullshit!
Also Indian.
As is horseshit, cowshit...
That's another one!
Undressing me with his eyes!
In your dreams, buddy! Why can't
they leave us alone, innit? Innit?
We can't help being gorgeous!
..You'll be lucky! They
just assume we're available, innit?
IN YOUR DREAMS, BUDDY!
OK, that's enough. Mmmmm!
Oh, just a bit more.
Oh, that's enough!
Bad for your teeth!
Mmmrrrmmm...
That's enough.
It'll upset your tummy.
There you go.
Doctor, why did you want to see me?
Calm down, Miss Kapur. I was
just going through your records -
a few things I'd like to clear up.
Could we do a few tests? Sure!
If you'd just like to sit here. OK.
Could you just cross your legs,
please?
Right... If you could repeat
the following words after me. Zoo.
Zoo. Zebra. Zebra.
Zabardasti? Zbbzbbzz.
Hmm. If you could just open wide.
Say "Ah"... Ahh.
Ahh... Ahhh.
"BOLLYWOOD" STYLE:
# A-A-A-A-AH...! #
Ah... Yes.
Finally... Does this hurt?
OWW! Yes, obviously.
Miss Kapur, I am sorry to inform you
that you are, eh...LIC positive.
You mean...? Yes.
Lack of Indian Culture. POSITIVE!
Can anything be done?
There is only one hope... OPERATION!
AGGGGH! Or you could take this pill.
Oh, thank you!
Miss Kapur! Are you all right?
Excellent! Excellent!
Just a few tests, OK?
If you would cross your legs?
Excellent! Please repeat the
following words. Aloo ka prantha.
Aloo ka prantha.
Bata chappal. Bata chappal.
Excellent. Now, say "Ahh".
BOLLYWOOD STYLE:
# Ahhhh... #
Now, finally,
tell me - does this hurt?
A complete success! You are
now a fully-fledged Indian woman!
Dr Sahib mujhe...yeh kya hua?
There ARE a few side effects.
You won't be able to speak English.
Never mind... Doctor, sahib ab mai
Yorkshire Building society mein
kasse kaa karungi! Not my problem.
Ne, Doctor!
Fits of melodrama
are quite normal!
SHE SOBS
It'll never stand up in court...
I have to go... SHUT UP!
I'm going out with my friends!
Clean this place while I'm gone,
Indian woman!
Can I help you?
Indian!
Here he comes again!
Look, we said no, innit?
Again! I don't BELIEVE it, innit?
IN YOUR DREAMS, BUDDY!
'Will passengers for BA flight 713
for Karachi please go to Gate 24?'
# I still recall the moment we met
One hot day in Lahore
# My cousin Ambreem
was getting married
# We had never met before
# We saw each other
and we fell in love
and got married straight away
# But while I'm back home
in Hemel Hempstead
You're still a thousand miles away
# Cos nothing could compare
to the love that we have
Nothing could describe the elation
# And nothing's gonna
split us or keep us apart
# Except for - immigration
# The Home Office guys
didn't believe you
They called you a passport case
# If only they knew
how desperate I am
To see your smiling face
# They asked me
all kinds of silly questions
To prove that we were true
# Your shirt collar size
and what would you read
when you sat on the loo!
# But I don't care
what the Home Office says
I'm going for that visa application
# Cos nothing's
gonna keep us apart, baby
# Except for - immigration
# No, nothing's gonna keep me
from calling your name
The phone bill's an abomination
# And nothing's gonna split us
or keep us apart
# Except for - immigration
# And why is it the whole world
can see we're in love
# Except for...Immigration? #
(Ssshh).
(Ssshh).
POUNDING
WHINING NOISE
< Darling no!
BOY SQUEALS
TV ON
Mum, Dad, I'm going out.
See you later. What?
I'm going out with my friends.
Oh...OK.
What? Nothing, nothing. You go out.
Go out with your friends.
Friends are more important than
family! Oh, Mum...! Really. Go.
Leave your parents,
who gave you life!
I hardly ever go out! Soon
we will be dead and then you can go
every night to your pubs and clubs!
Your Ministry Of Sound!
OK...! I'll stay in, then!
Well, it's up to you!
Can I watch the football, then?
Your father is watching
Star Trek: Deep Space 9.
Can I flick over for a second
to see the score? OK. For a second.
Thank you. You are young.
What is one second to you?
We are old. We will probably
be dead in one second.
Then you can watch football
in your pubs and clubs.
Your Ministry Of Sound!
OK, forget it!
I'll be in my room! Why not?
Why sit with us? You can sit
with us plenty at our funerals!
This is ridiculous! We're ALL gonna
die! I could get run over by a bus.
I can't take these constant
guilt trips any more!
I'm going out and that's that!
BRAKES SQUEAL...CRASH!
Ohhh...!
That's right! Don't worry about US!
Soon we'll be dead.
THEN you can sit under your bus
in your pubs and clubs!
Your Ministry Of Sound!
In your dreams, buddy!
Yeah! As if! Typical.
They see two gorgeous girls
and they lose control! Come back!
NO CHANCE!
OK, OK, guys. Settle down.
Now, as you all know,
we here at Sutchi & Jutha
pride ourselves on taking on tough
advertising campaigns and winning.
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
They said we couldn't sell
toilet paper to the villages.
But we DID with Ravi's slogan!
There's the man! It was nothing.
Nahin yaar! It was genius!
"Why take two lotas into the field
when you can wipe and go?" Great!
And this is the big one, guys.
We just landed the Feminum account.
Great!
We will be the first ad agency in
India to promote Feminum tampons.
That's great, Rani... Eh, guys?
Uh... It's a chance to give modern
choices to the modern Indian woman!
So...ideas. Nellum.
WHAT?
Well, you're the woman...
SO? Ask one of the bloody men for
a damn change! Where's my Nurofen?
Any ideas from the English ads?
They have a beautiful girl jumping
out of a plane in a Lycra suit
singing # It's my life! #
I don't think we want to confuse
our women with aerial tactics.
Think of the mess!
Please, guys. Grow up.
Yeah, it's a perfectly natural
physiological process. Right.
What do you mean, exactly?
A natural process.
The woman's...thing.
Yes? And this...Feminum...thing...
is for that...thing.
Oh, the thing(!)
Look at the product
and tell me what you think.
Oh, God. I feel sorry for women.
It can't be much fun having
to swallow one of these every month.
It doesn't go in the mouth!
Really? Where does it go?
WHISPERS
WHAT? REALLY...?
It'll need a health warning!
Why?
Only to be used by married women!
We don't want
hundreds of angry fathers!
With a pandit.
YOU need a warning, Dung Breath!
I'm sorry!
I've got it! The ad!
Great! Share it!
Start with tinkling music... Sort of
housewife dum dee dum dee dum theme.
She wafts into frame. Who? Today's
Indian woman in a full-length burkha.
A bell around her neck
and a sign saying "Unclean!"
She's so disgusted with herself,
she buys... Ta-da! Thing!
Brilliant! We can give away a big
bell with every packet of...thing!
"This thing for that thing...
with a ding!"
Brilliant!
God... Excuse me.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
What's wrong with her?
Time of the month.
I thought it was 4.30.
# E Feminum! O Feminum!Thisthing
for that thing...withading! #
Subtitles by Anne Morgan
BBC-1998
Know where this comes from?
India!
Goodness gracious me!