Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

Oh...my...GOD!

Everybody, come over 'ere!
What is it?

I had a small offering of milk
to the statue,
and now the milk has gone,

leaving just a chalky white deposit

and a stra-ange smell.

It's a miracle!
ALL JOIN IN
Hang on.

Hang on.
When did you put it there?

About three weeks ago.

It's just evaporated. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. No miracle.

Wait a minute! Everyone, look!
What? This morning,



I placed a aga bhatti
in front of the statue

and all that's left
is a pile of ashes

and a stra-ange smell.

ALL: It's a miracle!
It's a miracle!

Hang on, hang on. Em...

Did you light it? Well, of course.

Well, it's just burnt down
leaving the smell of the incense.
That's what joss sti

But wait!

No, sorry. Never mind.

It's a miracle! Everyone!

It's a miracle! WHAT? I left
an entire spicy beanburger
Happy Meal near the statue.

Now it's gone,

leaving just pieces of gherkin

and a stra-a-a-a-ange smell.



Well?

Well, er...

I dunno.

ALL: It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
Hang on!

Hang on. What's that on your chin?

Er, mayonnaise.

And how did it get there?
I... I ate the Happy Meal.

GROANS
Yes, but what about
the stra-a-a-a-a-ange smell?

Yeah, sorry about that!

Come on! Look, everybody!

Why do we need a miracle?
Isn't your faith enough?

Would it be stronger if the gods
performed some trivial magic trick?
No. I suppose not.

RUMBLING
Look! The statue is moving!

It's coming alive! It's a miracle!
It's a miracle! It's a miracle!

Forgive me for doubting you.
I humble myself before you.

You are forgiven, my child.

Now, pick a card, any card.

Well, Mr and Mrs Seti,
let's begin by you telling me
what you think the problem is.

OK. I told him last night that
if he wants to save this marriage,

we should think about...
having another one.

No. Having children
is no certain way to save a marriage.

What children?
I want another Mercedes!

Sorry? All that can save
this marriage is another Mercedes.

We've enough trouble looking after
one Mercedes! I don't want it to be
an only Merce

Don't you love me? Or are you just
waiting till it's too late for me
to have another

Maybe more children WOULD help.

Mercedes take a lot of
looking after. Cleaning, repairs,

getting up in the middle of
the night to switch the alarm off!

Don't you remember
when we had our first one? Yeah.
How proud we were.

People told us
how beautiful she was.

Your relationships
with your parents...

Do you want to know the truth? Yes!
I can't have another Mercedes,
all right?

The bank manager said I've got...
low credit rating.

Oh, my God! You're not a real man!
I want a divorce! What?

He's been firing blank cheques!
No! Calm down...

Nasser! All right, mate? Er, sorry,
I don't remember... It's me!

Flash 'Ash. We met at a party.

How are you? I'm doing brilliant.

I'm a City dealer -
£100,000 a year. Yeah.

How about you, man? My grandfather
just died. How much are you earning?

What? I got head-hunted by a
computer company - £100,000 a year.

Yeah... I've set up my own company.
£100,000 a year. Bigger company's
taking over -

I still do the promotions an' that.
£100,000 a year.

Right. Still living with your mum?

Gotta go, man. Catch you later!

I'm not BEING reactionary!
I'm talking about cultural isolation.

He's married a non-Asian woman.
That has implications. When we were
young, it was dif

At this age,
you realise how Asian you are.

And if you marry a white woman.
Yeah. ..Oh, look, he's here.

Everybody, try and make her feel
welcome, yeah? ..Congratulations!

THEY HUM "Here Comes The Bride"

Guys, er... meet Sarah.
Great, yeah.

Sarah, come and meet the guys.

ALL: Hi, Sarah.

ASIAN ACCENT:
Nameste. God bless you all.

May eternal peace reign
in your homes.

Er, take a seat, Sarah.
Oh, thank you.

Sarah, please! It's so wonderful
to be with my own people at last.

I can't believe
how English people stare.

Have you noticed? As if they've
never seen a salwar before.

Would you like some wine?

Oh, my God, no!
I never touch the alcohol!
Just a plain glass of water for me.

..No, don't worry. I'll get it!

OI! Ramlal!
Jaldi! Jaldi!

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

How did you two meet?
The wedding was very sudden.

Not really. My father had promised
me to Ravi when I was nine years old.

We lived in the same village.

We met at a night club in Putney!

We really ought to be leaving.

But why? It's so wonderful here!
Up you get. Let's go. Naahi-in!

Peshwari naan!

Ram prakesh!

Saagaloo!

God almighty!

LIVELY THEME TUNE

Miaow, pussy cats!

Ja, it's me, Smita Smitten,
showbiz kitten,

coughing up those precious little
fur balls of showbiz gossip

onto the dowdy carpets of your lives.

All the top Bollywood stars
are in town tonight
for a hush-hush private party.

Although the secret venue
was announced only an hour ago,

guess whose name is on top
of the guest list. Yes, me!

You know what they say
about celebrity gatherings -

no party is complete
without a...Smit-a.

Anyway, all the top stars
will be there - Jackie Shrof,
Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan.

Oh! I think we've arrived!

It's show time, pussy cats. Miaow!

Jackie?

Salman?

Oh! I would know those shoes
anywhere!

It's Art Malik!

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hello, Malkit? Yeah. What
is it? Malkit, it's eleven o'clock!

So? So why aren't you here at work?

Oh, I get it!
I hear what you're saying.
This isn't about work, is it?

This is about the colour of my skin,
you racist bastard!

I bet you're not ringing up
all your white employees! This is
the third time th

So are you gonna sack me? You'd
love to throw me on the scrapheap,

another disillusioned ethnic youth,

marginalised by white society
and forced to live in squalor, eh?

All right, I'm sorry. Take the rest
of today off. Good. Thanks.

And...can I borrow the car,
please, Dad? Yes. Thanks.

TRADITIONAL INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Nice wedding, he nah? Mmm...

So-so.

It's not the BEST wedding
I've been to.

I have been to much better weddings
than this. Yes, of course.

This is nothing
compared to other weddings.

In fact, this is the worst wedding
I've ever been to!

So, where is your son? Isn't he
interested in his family any more?

Actually, his uncle phoned
from India this morning.
He's gone to hospital for operation.

My son took the first flight out
there, JUST to be by his bedside!

And, er...where is YOUR son?

My son is on a plane to Canada
to visit his uncle in Toronto

who has a SLIGHT headache!

He went first class.

Oh, of course.
MY son always travels first class.

He's also PAYING
for his uncle's operation.

But then he has
so much money anyway!

How much? Muje kya patha?
His bank account is in Jersey.

Oh, of course. Jersey.
MY son's bank account
had to be moved from Jersey

to a bigger island.
That's how well MY son is doing!

When MY son returns from India,
he is going to 10 Downing Street -
jaha Tony Blair raitha han -

to receive
Businessman of the Year Award.

Well, when MY son has finished
OPERATING on his uncle,

he is attending a banquet
at the White House -
jaha Bill Clinton raitha han -

before flying to New York - jaha
oosay Nobel Peace Prize millayga!

Yes, well, how big is dunda?!

A bigger company made me an offer
- £100,000 a year. So I opened up
my own company - £100,

So I reckoned...
All right. Do what you have to.

Nice one.

SQUEAKY VOICE:
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Doesn't look like it(!)

Oh, yeah, I get it! You're so funny!

SHE CACKLES

So, is it free then, this seat?

Yes, it is. Oh, thank God for that.

I knew I was gonna be late, you know.

Never have your bikini line waxed
then wear a leather skirt.

My thighs squeaked all the way here!

Are you here
for the interview? Yeah!

The newsreader's job on Newsnight?

YEAH! Are you as well? Yes, I am.

It's so excitin', innit? There's so
much we could do with that programme.

Yes, our current affairs media
should reflect the multi-racial
make-up of our society

I meant the clothes, really. Pardon?

Have you seen the polyester
pyjama tops that Gargy Patel wears?
She really lets the side dow

And is that Zeinab
allergic to blusher?!

Oh, but that Ulrika Jonsson's
a real pro. Gorgeous hair!

So, may I ask...um...exactly
which journalism course did you do?

Eh? What qualifications do you have
for this job?

Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Here's my CV.
See, right there!

Er, it just says "Asian babe".

Yeah. I'm sorry.
I don't quite see how that would...

Well, I'm Asian. I'm obviously a
babe. What bit don't you understand?

I don't understand
how THIS qualifies you
for such a demanding post.

Yeah, well, you're not a bloke.
Look, I've done an MA in journalism,

four years on the news desk
of a national newspaper,

and I've spent two years in Bosnia.
That explains the state of your hair.

Do you really think someone will
give you a responsible job just
because you flash yo

Yeah.

Um, Miss Khan? Oh...

You know, women like you
really let the side down!

If you'd just like to come this way.

SHE GIGGLES
Just call me Pinky!
Gosh, it's hot in 'ere.

INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS

OK, everybody in? Yes. OK. Good.
Now, before we go,

just for once,
let's have a nice, normal day out.

OK? Nobody will misbehave,

distract me
or get overexcited, OK? OK.

Chalo, chalo.

ENGINE STARTS...

..AND STALLS

We're not moving.

Mummy, what's wrong? What have you
done? Nothing. I've stalled the car.

ALL WAIL
Calm down!

Mummy, Mummy, I'm scared!

I told you not to marry this man!

Why us? It is a curse!
God is punishing us!

I didn't use enough accelerator.
I'll try again! My God!
And risk another disaster?

Are you trying to kill us all?
He's a madman! We are cursed!
Mummy, are we going to

Who knows?
Stranded miles from home...

Inches! Inches from home!

Have we got a flare gun?
Will we EVER be rescued?

If we run out of food, eat me first.
I am old.

CAR STARTS SUCCESSFULLY
You see?

Nothing wrong. No need to panic,

no need for stupid melodrama.
Sorry. Sorry, Daddy.

First stop petrol. We're a bit low.
ALL: Oh, my God! Take a leg each!

Who's a clever boy, then?
You're Mummy's clever boy!

You're so clever.
You're a sweetie, aren't you?

Ye-es.

But how big is his dunda?

When you worked in that
travel agency on the High Street,
you were beautiful!

< You coulda been another Lunn Poly.

That skunk of a manager
bought you up too fa-ast.

It wasn't him, Charlie.
It was you!

Remember when that customer came
into the shop looking for an open
return to Bangalor

and you came up to my desk and said,
"Hey, kid, this ain't your flight."

Not my flight? I could've taken
that customer apart!
So what happens?

You get a £75 commission
and what do I get?

A one-way ticket to Palookaville.
You was my brother,

Charlie! You shoulda looked out
for me just a little bit.

I coulda had club class.

I coulda been a contender.

I coulda been ABTA instead of
a bucket shop, which is what I am.

Here, kid.
..You're gonna need this.

What is it?

Pan.

Charlie, Charlie!

SMITA SMITTEN'S THEME TUNE PLAYS

Miaow, pussy cats! Ya, it's me
Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten,

attracting tom cats of controversy
to my glamorous gossip showbiz shows.

Tonight, my little pussies, I am
here to assist in the opening of a
spicy new eatery, Planet Boll

All the stars are going to be there
tonight - Salman, Akshay,
Gajal... Salman.

It looks like the whacky funsters
have started without me,

so let's go in and join the fun.
Miaow, it's show time, pussy cats!

Smita is here, pussy cats! Show her
to the top table. Salman is waiting.

Excuse me, I think I was here first.

Don't you know who I am?
No, I don't, I'm sorry.

Who are you?

Oh, look! There's Art Malik!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

BOYISH VOICES:
Hey, man.
What, man?

Our problem is... We can't get no
bump-and-grind with the... Rasmali!

No, man. It's YOUR problem!
You've been trying to get into
Bindhia's salwar ka

Kiss my chuddies, man!

The door to her pyjamas
is locked to you, man!

You shut your mouth or I'll
mash you right up, man! Cool.

I mean our problem
in a sociological vibe.

You see, we as young British Asians
are subject to huge pressure
to achieve high

Right. But you DO want to unlock
her pyjamas?

What is the matter with you, man?
This is serious. I've thought
about it, observed

And MTV did a thing about it.

BOTH CHANT:
MTV, MTV, MTV!

Yeah, British Asian kids, man,
are academic overachievers!

We study too hard and neglect other
aspects of our personal development.

That's US, is it, man? Yeah, man.
We are totally underdeveloped
in a personal way.

Because we work too hard! Yeah!

So what was the last book you read?
The one about that African leader...

What's his name - tall, grey...?

Nelson Mandela! ..trunk...
Babar the elephant, man!

You haven't read a book
since you were six? Exactly, man.
I don't need to read

I am an Asian academic overachiever.
I know too much!

Oh, fierce, man!

So, what we gonna do about it, man?

What we gonna do about it...
is nothing! We'll just sit here,
chill out,

try not to achieve anything, innit?

I've been doing that
for the last three hours!

That is fierce, man. You're setting
a good example to other Asian kids.

Cool, man. OK, everybody, time's up.

Put your pens down
and give me your exam papers.

BOTH: Innit?

DOORBELL RINGS
Excuse me!

Hello... Ohh! It's YOU!

Aren't you going to invite me in?

We didn't think YOU'D be turning up.
Why not?

Showing your face in public after
the shame your son has brought.
What sh

Everybody knows he was arrested
for being a PIMP!

Yes? So your son is a pimp!
Oh, no, no! My son is not A pimp.
My son is the BEST pim

What? My son is the biggest pimp
in England.

Really? Yes, he's very successful.

He has two Mercedes, a big fur coat,
and lots of gold jewellery.

All REAL gold, not like your son!

Well, MY son is a GOOD boy,
studying for his accountancy exams.

He's such a humble, unambitious boy,
unlike MY son who has more bitches
than any other pimp in

Well...he IS going
to prison, he na?

Not just prison. Parkhurst.

Achaa? Oh, yes, in the same wing
that produced Reggie Kray, the
Richardsons, and Mad

Well, my son's accountancy
is just a front.

He's actually working for the Mob.

Achaa? Of course. He is running
a huge money-laundering service,
funded by Mafia dru

He hasn't got into prison yet,
he na?

That's because they haven't BUILT
the prison that can hold my beta,

or "Crazy Birdman Umesh"
as he is known in Broadmoor.

Well, MY son is known as the Scourge
of the Screws in all the prisons

and he is renowned as being the most
vicious slag that ever did porridge.

Really?

Well, how big is his dunda?!

Babuji, pesa...

Shut up!

¦ I'm untouchable

¦ That's what I am

¦ Just untouchable

¦ Folks don't give a damn

¦ Like a piece of gandh
that clings to me

¦ How a door that's bandh
does bring to me

¦ As if it's a crime

¦ Put simply that I'm...

¦ An untouchable

¦ In every way

¦ Just untouchable

¦ Both night and day

¦ Why do Asians just make fun of us

¦ Don't they realise
they were once one of us?

¦ In a previous life
They were untouchables too. ¦

PHWRRT!

¦ I'm untouchable

¦ I smell of dung

¦ Just untouchable

¦ But I'm well-hung

¦ All I ask is the same opportunity

¦ As the folks
who just throw things at me

¦ Our numbers will rise

¦ Then you'll pay the price

¦ When untouchables

¦ Form government

¦ By untouchables

¦ They'll represent

¦ Then, my darlings,
no-one will insult us

¦ Other castes will look on envious

¦ Wishing they could be

¦ Untouchables too... ¦

HE MUTTERS

Subtitles by Judith Simpson
BBC Scotland 1998

'..the longest triple jumper
in history.

'Oh, it's huge! It's massive!

'My goodness! That is fantastic
and it's legal!'

BOTH: Yes, but how big is his dunda?

Goodness gracious me!