Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
¦ Happy birthday to you
¦ Happy birthday to you. ¦
There you go, Mama. Do you
want to blow your candles out now?
Blow...out...the..candles.
Yes, of course, I would. Hooray!
Well, then, Mama...
Whenever you're ready.
Oh, sorry! You REALLY
want me to do it? Oh, silly me!
Sorry, Mama... No, no, please. I
have asthma and there are 73 candles,
so blowing out candles
is what I OBVIOUSLY do best(!)
OK, you DON'T want
to blow the candles out.
No, no. I want to. I'm DYING to.
Shall I blow,
or will my phlegm be sufficient?
OK, forget the candles...
Why don't we open some presents?
Yes, let's, shall we? Can't wait(!)
Look, Mama, an electric blanket.
It was Ravi's idea.
You shouldn't have bothered.
It was nothing.
And I believe you, Ravi.
I'm glad you like it, Mama.
You...do like it, don't you?
I'm jumping for joy(!)
More presents!
Oh, look. ..A lovely shawl, Mama.
How marvellous(!)
Wow! A video camera!
Wow! Lucky me(!)
Look, Mama. Nicky has drawn you
a LOVELY picture.
Well, that'll be USEFUL, won't it(?)
Mama, please stop this! Stop what?
Making fun of... You know!
I'm sorry. I've ruined it for you
and the children, haven't I?
I tell you what. I'll go out now
and get some extra special presents
for everybody to make it up to you.
Will you really?
Will I bollocks?!
BREAKING GLASS
How often do I have to tell you?
Go and play in the bloody park!
This is a meeting of
the Indian Broadcasting Corporation.
I'd like to introduce our new head
of ethnic minority programming -
Mr John Brit.
ALL: Hello.
He'll ensure that our representation
of...English people is tickety-boo.
Tickety-boo!
ALL LAUGH
I've suggestions... Glad you've
settled in. I call this meeting to...
Hang on. I hadn't actually finished.
SIGHS: Oh, God. Here we go.
The British community in India is
under-represented in the media here.
I disagree. You've got that weekly
magazine programme... What is it?
Network West. Network West.
I saw a great item on last week's
show - the morris dancers Of Umbala!
They mixed bhangra with traditional
British brass band music!
ALL LAUGH
It's on at 6am on a Sunday!
Why do they get up so early?
Walk the dog, I think!
ALL LAUGH
We're not all morris dancers!
That's just a stereotype.
Why is it Brits on TV
are always tourists or diplomats?
Why can't we play doctors
or shopkeepers?
LAUGHTER
When did you last
see a white doctor?
Anyway, what about the characters
in our top-rated soap, WestEnders?
"Rita, the baby's crying!"
"St John,
stop sleeping with my sister!"
THEY HUM EASTENDERS THEME
What about an English film season?
THEY GROAN
Has anybody actually
SEEN an English film?
I mean, what are they all about, eh?
I saw one once - Remains Of The Day.
I couldn't believe it.
Only two hours long and no dancing.
GROANS OF DISBELIEF
Well, they can't, can they?
All right. What about
an all-British comedy show?
STUNNED SILENCE
British...comedy?
..Are they funny?
Well, the accent's funny.
An English accent's
bound to get a laugh.
Jolly quite right!
THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
We're tired of being
marginalised and exploited and
reduced to farcical stereotypes!
OK? We want change
and we want it now.
OK...John.
I think I have a proposal
that will satisfy us all.
That's...that's great.
I propose we cut your budget by 50%,
lay off your staff and relocate the
Ethnic Minority Unit to
Hang on a second! We will also be
extending your contract...for life.
That sounds perfect.
Welcome to India. Have a paan.
MARCHING MUSIC
Ah, Trooping of the Colour. Great.
The Queen looks nice, doesn't she?
Nice? Of course, nice.
BECAUSE SHE'S INDIAN! Not the Queen!
All the Royal Family - Indian. What?
Think about it. Descended from Queen
Victoria, Empress of India - Indian.
Rubbish! Look at them. They live in
the family house together - Indian.
They work in the family business -
Indian.
All have arranged marriages - Indian.
They all have sons - Indian.
But Dad...
Unmarried children live with
their parents - Indian. Dad...
What more do you want? Turbans?!
But Dad - Harry, Wills, Fergie...
They're all Indian.
Except Prince Charles.
He's African.
What?!
If he was Indian,
he'd have smaller ears.
And now that Mike and Karen
are finally man and wife,
two loving souls joined by God,
will you give them
a big, good-luck cheer?
Will I bollocks?!
Ha-ha-ha. You're funny, You've
got a terrific sense of humour.
Thank you.
I suppose it's just as well,
with you being so ugly an' all.
Check, please!
On me 'ead, son!
Messed up my headgear!
Sorry, man.
Half-time.
I gotta redefine my headgear.
Coo-ool.
Are you going to Old Trafford?
Of course!
I thought it was sold out!
My Uncle Davinder's a travel agent.
He got me one of them packages.
It includes coach from
Southall to Manchester
with a five day stopover
in Wolverhampton.
Does that include match ticket?
Bloody uncle bastard!
Unlucky, geezer!
Kiss my chuddies!
I'll get a ticket for the away end.
The allocation's sold out!
Maybe the white man's allocation,
but not the Asian allocation.
What's that?
Five per game.
How come there's no more
than five Asians at a match?
The age-old question.
There are two reasons.
Firstly, there ain't no way Asians
will eat the crap they serve there.
I can't see my dad eating "meat pie"
until they define it more clearly
and maybe throw in some coriander.
I can't see my Auntie Bimla getting
her gob round a cold jumbo sausage.
What, what, what...
What's the second reason, man?
It's this.
If you go football every Saturday,
who'll look after the shop?
Yeah!
I never thought of that.
Who did you support
in the World Cup?
What are you on about?
England? Or France, cos they won?
That's a stupid question!
I supported the team that represents
our culture, language and life.
India weren't there.
I'm talking about Jamaica!
BOTH: Chaa!
Chaa, man, fierce!
The Reggae Boyz!
Exactly my point, man. And their kit
is sponsored by His Royal Bagginess
Joseph Bloggs Esquire.
The master.
Hey! Why hasn't India got a team?
Indians don't play football.
Why?
Because of the ball, innit?
What about it?
It's made of leather!
A Hindu football team consists of 11
blokes trying not to touch the ball.
Not a good tactic.
They should have a pork ball
for the Hindu team
and a beef ball for the Muslim team!
Salaam Al leikum, man!
And for internationals they could
use a veggie ball - like a pumpkin!
Or, or, or a coconut!
On me 'ead!
Morning, love.
Three singles into town, is it?
I thought I'd buy tickets for people
on the bus and just walk to town(!)
Right you are.
Will you please be quiet in future?
Will I bollocks?!
Men don't see things
from a woman's point of view.
You are so right.
I try to empathise with women.
That's very refreshing.
That's why I wear
my mother's underwear.
Check, please!
Our marriage has been
under strain for a while.
That's right.
We've been bickering...
Squabbles.
What's the reason
for this discord?
Well, we come from
a traditional background.
For the last 12 years we've had
his mother living here with us.
She's not my mother...
I thought she was yours!
No... I wonder who she is, then.
You're here.
I didn't know YOU were invited.
Of course.
Nice party. Wonderful food.
So-so. Very poor. Disgusting.
I've already been sick.
So, um, where is your son tonight?
Doing his "own thing", is he?
I've heard he's very...independent.
What do you mean?
I've heard he's thinking of buying
his own place and moving away
even though he's not
Very "modern".
You're wrong. You really shouldn't
listen to all the gossip you hear...
down the betting shop!
No, my son is not independent or
modern. No, no, no. In fact, he's
old-fashioned and VERY depende
My son is married with children
and he's still happy to live at
home and rely on me f
He's a good boy. I have to help my
boy boil an egg and tie his laces.
That's how dep
Laces? My son still wears
those shoes with the Velcro straps!
And if I'm not there to help him,
he puts them on the wrong feet.
Big deal. My son is so dependent
that he cries when he's hungry
and eats his own snot.
I'M still breast-feeding. Me too.
And I go to his office three times
a day to change his stinky nappy.
Aha! He goes to work... Ha-ha-ha.
My son is a complete idiot.
Yes he is!
Unemployable - his individuality
stifled by a suffocating blanket
of maternal protect
rendering him unable to do more
than sit in a puddle of his waste.
Well, how big is his dunda?
TINY!
INTRO TO "Common People" by Pulp
¦ She came from Kent
Her name was Lucy Parker
¦ Her skin was white
but she preferred it darker
That's why I...
¦ Caught her eye
¦ We met at York
She was a first-year student
¦ She wore a sari
cos she thought it prudent
¦ I thought, "Fine."
¦ Then in 30 seconds time,
She said,
¦ "I wanna live like Hindi people
¦ "I wanna do
whatever Hindi people do
¦ "I wanna sleep with Hindi people
¦ "I wanna sleep
with Hindi people like you"
¦ Well, what else could I do?
¦ I smiled and said,
"Do you want a vindaloo?"
¦ I said I'd find a groovy gig
and take her
¦ I like The Verve but she said,
"Kula Shaker - their music's tops
¦ "Just like Cornershop's"
¦ She said,
"I wanna live like Hindi people
¦ "I wanna eat
whatever Hindi people eat
¦ "I wanna dress
like the bindi people
¦ "I wanna wear mendhi on my feet"
¦ But she didn't understand
¦ You just paint it on your hand
¦ Comb your hair and be polite
¦ Do your homework every night
¦ Don't smoke fags
and don't play pool
¦ Do extremely well at school
¦ Take a medical degree
¦ Graduate at thirty-three
¦ Move back in with Mum and Dad
¦ Even though
they drive you raving mad
¦ You wanna live like Hindi people
¦ You wanna see
whatever Hindi people see
¦ You wanna live with Hindi people
¦ You wanna watch
old films on Zee TV
¦ That you'll never comprehend
¦ Cos for you it's just a trend
¦ Dressing up like Hindi people
¦ In your favourite Giorgio Salwar
¦ Dancing round with Hindi people
¦ Telling me
that you wanna learn sitar
¦ But you'll never score with me
¦ Cos I was born in Coventry
¦ Coventry
¦ Oh, yeah. ¦
< Ravi?
Pretti?
All right, Mama?
No, I'm not all right, actually.
I've chest pains and I can't breathe.
Not again! Very funny, Mama.
You're dying
and we're watching the news(!)
Yes, you are. I need help.
We've known that for ages, Mama.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Call me an ambulance.
OK. You're an ambulance.
Oh, my God! She wasn't joking!
She's collapsed.
You get an ambulance and I'll
do mouth-to-mouth. Oh, will you?
Will I bollocks?!
You know, with you I can be myself -
be natural.
< I don't feel inhibited in any way.
Do you feel the same?
Absolutely.
Brilliant.
PHA-A-A-ART!
Check - PHA-A-ART - please!
PHA-A-ART!
MUSIC: Play School theme
Hello, boys and girls.
Hello, boys and girls.
Let's say hello to the toys.
Let's. There's...
Hamble...
Big Ted...
Little Ted...
..and Jemima.
Jemima looks happy today.
Yes, she does.
That's because Jemima...
got married today. Got married?
Why's she wearing a funny dress?
Silly...! This is fashionable.
Jemima wears it as she's converted
to Islam to marry a Muslim.
We don't know any Muslims, do we?
Yes, we do, Brian.
Can you guess who it is? Which of
our friends have we NOT met today?
Humpty! Yes, Humpty.
Say hello, Humpty!
I didn't know you were a Muslim.
You used to be such a naughty boy!
Yes, he did. But he's given up
the alcohol and the nightclubs now.
Humpty doesn't hump around any more.
He used to hump around, didn't he?
Didn't he hump Hamble? That's right.
So, why isn't he marrying Hamble?
Because, Brian...
Hamble's daddy wasn't rich enough.
I see.
Hamble must be very upset.
She is, Brian.
Hamble says that Humpty is the
father of her seven-year-old child.
I didn't know
that Hamble had a child.
Who did you think Little Ted was?
Remember us - the Delhi students?
Last year, we presented Rough Guide
To England. This year, it's...
ALL:
Great Train Journeys Of The World!
THEME TO:
Great Train Journeys Of The World
People talk about the beauty
of the Katmandu Northern Express...
Across the roof of the world.
Others speak of the Assam Flyer -
weaving through the tea terraces.
For me, the most romantic train
journey is the one I've crossed
the world to experien
the LTS commuter line
from Fenchurch Street to Southend!
This train, in fact,
is the 16.30 from Fenchurch Street,
and it is now 17.45 and we're just
about to pull away from the station.
Time follows different rules here.
There's a popular phrase
among local railway workers...
COCKNEY ACCENT: "It's not my fault.
I don't run the bloody place."
It sums up perfectly the relaxed
attitude in this part of the world.
There were primitive railways in
Britain before the Asians arrived,
but it was under the Indians and
Pakistanis in the 1960s that the
British railway sys
Conditions were harsh in those days,
but fond memories remain.
Here's a man who looks like he
may have a few memories to share.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have
any memories of the arrival
of the Asians on the railway?
Well, I remember thinking
they should all go home.
And now? Now...?
Now, I think they should all go home.
Yes...fond memories there.
We're now reaching
our journey's highest point.
I'll read to you from the guidebook.
"Beckton Station - a dizzying
twelve feet above sea level!
"Dominating the skyline
is the fabric-capped peak
"of Beckton's artificial ski slope!
"The landscape sweeps down
to the fertile plains
of the Savacentre car park,
"incorporating McDonald's, Homebase
and Kentucky Fried Chicken."
GASPS OF DELIGHT
ALL: Hooray!
As we pull into the station, we're
greeted by local, colourful pedlars.
I think I'll go native
and attempt a little bartering.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
I say, what are you selling, mate?
Crack.
Do you have some tea?
SHOUTS: He's selling crack!
For people along this route,
particularly on the plain
of Becontree Heath,
the railway's their only
contact with the outside world.
Locals gather at the station,
eager to greet visitors
in the customary way.
Look, Pakis! Get 'em!
Crime on the trains is a problem.
It's important to keep your money
in a money-belt at all times.
Yes. Thieves prowl the corridors
preying on unsuspecting travellers.
Here comes one now!
Sandwiches... Aaagh!
Ah, the train
appears to have broken down again.
This happens for various reasons -
mainly religious.
People here
believe the tree to be sacred.
Even if one leaf falls onto the
track, the whole line is shut down.
Anyway, this break gives us a
chance to talk to some passengers -
some of whom
are carrying goods to market.
Excuse me, are you going to market?
Ah, ya bastard...!
Indeed.
DRUNK RANTS
Language barriers are br
ALL: Bye!
Bastard!
And as we pass the majestic
mud flats of the Thames Estuary,
we reach our journey's end,
appropriately enough, in Southend.
Which, of course, ends in "end".
It's been a fascinating journey.
Wonderful.
You know, if you think about it,
it's been a journey through time
as well as space.
..Has it?
Yes, it has.
And we've all learned something.
Through our observations of the
simplicity of these people's lives,
and through
their vast array of cultures,
we realise how insignificant...
they all are.
ALL: Bye!
India.
Goodness gracious me!
¦ Happy birthday to you. ¦
There you go, Mama. Do you
want to blow your candles out now?
Blow...out...the..candles.
Yes, of course, I would. Hooray!
Well, then, Mama...
Whenever you're ready.
Oh, sorry! You REALLY
want me to do it? Oh, silly me!
Sorry, Mama... No, no, please. I
have asthma and there are 73 candles,
so blowing out candles
is what I OBVIOUSLY do best(!)
OK, you DON'T want
to blow the candles out.
No, no. I want to. I'm DYING to.
Shall I blow,
or will my phlegm be sufficient?
OK, forget the candles...
Why don't we open some presents?
Yes, let's, shall we? Can't wait(!)
Look, Mama, an electric blanket.
It was Ravi's idea.
You shouldn't have bothered.
It was nothing.
And I believe you, Ravi.
I'm glad you like it, Mama.
You...do like it, don't you?
I'm jumping for joy(!)
More presents!
Oh, look. ..A lovely shawl, Mama.
How marvellous(!)
Wow! A video camera!
Wow! Lucky me(!)
Look, Mama. Nicky has drawn you
a LOVELY picture.
Well, that'll be USEFUL, won't it(?)
Mama, please stop this! Stop what?
Making fun of... You know!
I'm sorry. I've ruined it for you
and the children, haven't I?
I tell you what. I'll go out now
and get some extra special presents
for everybody to make it up to you.
Will you really?
Will I bollocks?!
BREAKING GLASS
How often do I have to tell you?
Go and play in the bloody park!
This is a meeting of
the Indian Broadcasting Corporation.
I'd like to introduce our new head
of ethnic minority programming -
Mr John Brit.
ALL: Hello.
He'll ensure that our representation
of...English people is tickety-boo.
Tickety-boo!
ALL LAUGH
I've suggestions... Glad you've
settled in. I call this meeting to...
Hang on. I hadn't actually finished.
SIGHS: Oh, God. Here we go.
The British community in India is
under-represented in the media here.
I disagree. You've got that weekly
magazine programme... What is it?
Network West. Network West.
I saw a great item on last week's
show - the morris dancers Of Umbala!
They mixed bhangra with traditional
British brass band music!
ALL LAUGH
It's on at 6am on a Sunday!
Why do they get up so early?
Walk the dog, I think!
ALL LAUGH
We're not all morris dancers!
That's just a stereotype.
Why is it Brits on TV
are always tourists or diplomats?
Why can't we play doctors
or shopkeepers?
LAUGHTER
When did you last
see a white doctor?
Anyway, what about the characters
in our top-rated soap, WestEnders?
"Rita, the baby's crying!"
"St John,
stop sleeping with my sister!"
THEY HUM EASTENDERS THEME
What about an English film season?
THEY GROAN
Has anybody actually
SEEN an English film?
I mean, what are they all about, eh?
I saw one once - Remains Of The Day.
I couldn't believe it.
Only two hours long and no dancing.
GROANS OF DISBELIEF
Well, they can't, can they?
All right. What about
an all-British comedy show?
STUNNED SILENCE
British...comedy?
..Are they funny?
Well, the accent's funny.
An English accent's
bound to get a laugh.
Jolly quite right!
THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
We're tired of being
marginalised and exploited and
reduced to farcical stereotypes!
OK? We want change
and we want it now.
OK...John.
I think I have a proposal
that will satisfy us all.
That's...that's great.
I propose we cut your budget by 50%,
lay off your staff and relocate the
Ethnic Minority Unit to
Hang on a second! We will also be
extending your contract...for life.
That sounds perfect.
Welcome to India. Have a paan.
MARCHING MUSIC
Ah, Trooping of the Colour. Great.
The Queen looks nice, doesn't she?
Nice? Of course, nice.
BECAUSE SHE'S INDIAN! Not the Queen!
All the Royal Family - Indian. What?
Think about it. Descended from Queen
Victoria, Empress of India - Indian.
Rubbish! Look at them. They live in
the family house together - Indian.
They work in the family business -
Indian.
All have arranged marriages - Indian.
They all have sons - Indian.
But Dad...
Unmarried children live with
their parents - Indian. Dad...
What more do you want? Turbans?!
But Dad - Harry, Wills, Fergie...
They're all Indian.
Except Prince Charles.
He's African.
What?!
If he was Indian,
he'd have smaller ears.
And now that Mike and Karen
are finally man and wife,
two loving souls joined by God,
will you give them
a big, good-luck cheer?
Will I bollocks?!
Ha-ha-ha. You're funny, You've
got a terrific sense of humour.
Thank you.
I suppose it's just as well,
with you being so ugly an' all.
Check, please!
On me 'ead, son!
Messed up my headgear!
Sorry, man.
Half-time.
I gotta redefine my headgear.
Coo-ool.
Are you going to Old Trafford?
Of course!
I thought it was sold out!
My Uncle Davinder's a travel agent.
He got me one of them packages.
It includes coach from
Southall to Manchester
with a five day stopover
in Wolverhampton.
Does that include match ticket?
Bloody uncle bastard!
Unlucky, geezer!
Kiss my chuddies!
I'll get a ticket for the away end.
The allocation's sold out!
Maybe the white man's allocation,
but not the Asian allocation.
What's that?
Five per game.
How come there's no more
than five Asians at a match?
The age-old question.
There are two reasons.
Firstly, there ain't no way Asians
will eat the crap they serve there.
I can't see my dad eating "meat pie"
until they define it more clearly
and maybe throw in some coriander.
I can't see my Auntie Bimla getting
her gob round a cold jumbo sausage.
What, what, what...
What's the second reason, man?
It's this.
If you go football every Saturday,
who'll look after the shop?
Yeah!
I never thought of that.
Who did you support
in the World Cup?
What are you on about?
England? Or France, cos they won?
That's a stupid question!
I supported the team that represents
our culture, language and life.
India weren't there.
I'm talking about Jamaica!
BOTH: Chaa!
Chaa, man, fierce!
The Reggae Boyz!
Exactly my point, man. And their kit
is sponsored by His Royal Bagginess
Joseph Bloggs Esquire.
The master.
Hey! Why hasn't India got a team?
Indians don't play football.
Why?
Because of the ball, innit?
What about it?
It's made of leather!
A Hindu football team consists of 11
blokes trying not to touch the ball.
Not a good tactic.
They should have a pork ball
for the Hindu team
and a beef ball for the Muslim team!
Salaam Al leikum, man!
And for internationals they could
use a veggie ball - like a pumpkin!
Or, or, or a coconut!
On me 'ead!
Morning, love.
Three singles into town, is it?
I thought I'd buy tickets for people
on the bus and just walk to town(!)
Right you are.
Will you please be quiet in future?
Will I bollocks?!
Men don't see things
from a woman's point of view.
You are so right.
I try to empathise with women.
That's very refreshing.
That's why I wear
my mother's underwear.
Check, please!
Our marriage has been
under strain for a while.
That's right.
We've been bickering...
Squabbles.
What's the reason
for this discord?
Well, we come from
a traditional background.
For the last 12 years we've had
his mother living here with us.
She's not my mother...
I thought she was yours!
No... I wonder who she is, then.
You're here.
I didn't know YOU were invited.
Of course.
Nice party. Wonderful food.
So-so. Very poor. Disgusting.
I've already been sick.
So, um, where is your son tonight?
Doing his "own thing", is he?
I've heard he's very...independent.
What do you mean?
I've heard he's thinking of buying
his own place and moving away
even though he's not
Very "modern".
You're wrong. You really shouldn't
listen to all the gossip you hear...
down the betting shop!
No, my son is not independent or
modern. No, no, no. In fact, he's
old-fashioned and VERY depende
My son is married with children
and he's still happy to live at
home and rely on me f
He's a good boy. I have to help my
boy boil an egg and tie his laces.
That's how dep
Laces? My son still wears
those shoes with the Velcro straps!
And if I'm not there to help him,
he puts them on the wrong feet.
Big deal. My son is so dependent
that he cries when he's hungry
and eats his own snot.
I'M still breast-feeding. Me too.
And I go to his office three times
a day to change his stinky nappy.
Aha! He goes to work... Ha-ha-ha.
My son is a complete idiot.
Yes he is!
Unemployable - his individuality
stifled by a suffocating blanket
of maternal protect
rendering him unable to do more
than sit in a puddle of his waste.
Well, how big is his dunda?
TINY!
INTRO TO "Common People" by Pulp
¦ She came from Kent
Her name was Lucy Parker
¦ Her skin was white
but she preferred it darker
That's why I...
¦ Caught her eye
¦ We met at York
She was a first-year student
¦ She wore a sari
cos she thought it prudent
¦ I thought, "Fine."
¦ Then in 30 seconds time,
She said,
¦ "I wanna live like Hindi people
¦ "I wanna do
whatever Hindi people do
¦ "I wanna sleep with Hindi people
¦ "I wanna sleep
with Hindi people like you"
¦ Well, what else could I do?
¦ I smiled and said,
"Do you want a vindaloo?"
¦ I said I'd find a groovy gig
and take her
¦ I like The Verve but she said,
"Kula Shaker - their music's tops
¦ "Just like Cornershop's"
¦ She said,
"I wanna live like Hindi people
¦ "I wanna eat
whatever Hindi people eat
¦ "I wanna dress
like the bindi people
¦ "I wanna wear mendhi on my feet"
¦ But she didn't understand
¦ You just paint it on your hand
¦ Comb your hair and be polite
¦ Do your homework every night
¦ Don't smoke fags
and don't play pool
¦ Do extremely well at school
¦ Take a medical degree
¦ Graduate at thirty-three
¦ Move back in with Mum and Dad
¦ Even though
they drive you raving mad
¦ You wanna live like Hindi people
¦ You wanna see
whatever Hindi people see
¦ You wanna live with Hindi people
¦ You wanna watch
old films on Zee TV
¦ That you'll never comprehend
¦ Cos for you it's just a trend
¦ Dressing up like Hindi people
¦ In your favourite Giorgio Salwar
¦ Dancing round with Hindi people
¦ Telling me
that you wanna learn sitar
¦ But you'll never score with me
¦ Cos I was born in Coventry
¦ Coventry
¦ Oh, yeah. ¦
< Ravi?
Pretti?
All right, Mama?
No, I'm not all right, actually.
I've chest pains and I can't breathe.
Not again! Very funny, Mama.
You're dying
and we're watching the news(!)
Yes, you are. I need help.
We've known that for ages, Mama.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.
Call me an ambulance.
OK. You're an ambulance.
Oh, my God! She wasn't joking!
She's collapsed.
You get an ambulance and I'll
do mouth-to-mouth. Oh, will you?
Will I bollocks?!
You know, with you I can be myself -
be natural.
< I don't feel inhibited in any way.
Do you feel the same?
Absolutely.
Brilliant.
PHA-A-A-ART!
Check - PHA-A-ART - please!
PHA-A-ART!
MUSIC: Play School theme
Hello, boys and girls.
Hello, boys and girls.
Let's say hello to the toys.
Let's. There's...
Hamble...
Big Ted...
Little Ted...
..and Jemima.
Jemima looks happy today.
Yes, she does.
That's because Jemima...
got married today. Got married?
Why's she wearing a funny dress?
Silly...! This is fashionable.
Jemima wears it as she's converted
to Islam to marry a Muslim.
We don't know any Muslims, do we?
Yes, we do, Brian.
Can you guess who it is? Which of
our friends have we NOT met today?
Humpty! Yes, Humpty.
Say hello, Humpty!
I didn't know you were a Muslim.
You used to be such a naughty boy!
Yes, he did. But he's given up
the alcohol and the nightclubs now.
Humpty doesn't hump around any more.
He used to hump around, didn't he?
Didn't he hump Hamble? That's right.
So, why isn't he marrying Hamble?
Because, Brian...
Hamble's daddy wasn't rich enough.
I see.
Hamble must be very upset.
She is, Brian.
Hamble says that Humpty is the
father of her seven-year-old child.
I didn't know
that Hamble had a child.
Who did you think Little Ted was?
Remember us - the Delhi students?
Last year, we presented Rough Guide
To England. This year, it's...
ALL:
Great Train Journeys Of The World!
THEME TO:
Great Train Journeys Of The World
People talk about the beauty
of the Katmandu Northern Express...
Across the roof of the world.
Others speak of the Assam Flyer -
weaving through the tea terraces.
For me, the most romantic train
journey is the one I've crossed
the world to experien
the LTS commuter line
from Fenchurch Street to Southend!
This train, in fact,
is the 16.30 from Fenchurch Street,
and it is now 17.45 and we're just
about to pull away from the station.
Time follows different rules here.
There's a popular phrase
among local railway workers...
COCKNEY ACCENT: "It's not my fault.
I don't run the bloody place."
It sums up perfectly the relaxed
attitude in this part of the world.
There were primitive railways in
Britain before the Asians arrived,
but it was under the Indians and
Pakistanis in the 1960s that the
British railway sys
Conditions were harsh in those days,
but fond memories remain.
Here's a man who looks like he
may have a few memories to share.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have
any memories of the arrival
of the Asians on the railway?
Well, I remember thinking
they should all go home.
And now? Now...?
Now, I think they should all go home.
Yes...fond memories there.
We're now reaching
our journey's highest point.
I'll read to you from the guidebook.
"Beckton Station - a dizzying
twelve feet above sea level!
"Dominating the skyline
is the fabric-capped peak
"of Beckton's artificial ski slope!
"The landscape sweeps down
to the fertile plains
of the Savacentre car park,
"incorporating McDonald's, Homebase
and Kentucky Fried Chicken."
GASPS OF DELIGHT
ALL: Hooray!
As we pull into the station, we're
greeted by local, colourful pedlars.
I think I'll go native
and attempt a little bartering.
COCKNEY ACCENT:
I say, what are you selling, mate?
Crack.
Do you have some tea?
SHOUTS: He's selling crack!
For people along this route,
particularly on the plain
of Becontree Heath,
the railway's their only
contact with the outside world.
Locals gather at the station,
eager to greet visitors
in the customary way.
Look, Pakis! Get 'em!
Crime on the trains is a problem.
It's important to keep your money
in a money-belt at all times.
Yes. Thieves prowl the corridors
preying on unsuspecting travellers.
Here comes one now!
Sandwiches... Aaagh!
Ah, the train
appears to have broken down again.
This happens for various reasons -
mainly religious.
People here
believe the tree to be sacred.
Even if one leaf falls onto the
track, the whole line is shut down.
Anyway, this break gives us a
chance to talk to some passengers -
some of whom
are carrying goods to market.
Excuse me, are you going to market?
Ah, ya bastard...!
Indeed.
DRUNK RANTS
Language barriers are br
ALL: Bye!
Bastard!
And as we pass the majestic
mud flats of the Thames Estuary,
we reach our journey's end,
appropriately enough, in Southend.
Which, of course, ends in "end".
It's been a fascinating journey.
Wonderful.
You know, if you think about it,
it's been a journey through time
as well as space.
..Has it?
Yes, it has.
And we've all learned something.
Through our observations of the
simplicity of these people's lives,
and through
their vast array of cultures,
we realise how insignificant...
they all are.
ALL: Bye!
India.
Goodness gracious me!