Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
Goodness Gracious Me!
Ah!
A perfect English summer's day!
And nothing could be more English
than a spot of tennis
at the new club.
Yes, marvellous, darling.
Do adjust your shorts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I say, isn't that Surjit and Veena?
Yoo-hoo! SURJIT!!
Pronounced "St John", actually.
And "Vanessa".
Of course, of course, of course...
Well, what a nice surprise.
I said to Vanessa,
"Have the Kapoors joined?"
You mean Coopers.
Coopers, of course.
So, Dinesh...
So, Dinesh... Denis.
Looking forward to tucking away
some loose balls?
Damn shorts!
I meant tennis balls, Denis.
I knew that. I knew that.
Marvellous about Tim Henman.
Yes, marvellous.
Who?
Tim Henman, the English tennis ace.
Ah, ah, ah, Tim Henman!
Yes, we haven't had
a world-class player like him
since Vijay Amritraj retired.
You mean "Vaginia Wide".
Yes, that's the fellow.
Shall we digress to the reception?
Digressing, digressing.
Excuse me. Where do we sign in?
I'm sorry, members only.
Yes, we'd like to join.
Hence the attire.
Yes. You see, I've got the racket
and he's got the bal
Anyone for...Denis?
Where do we sign? It's not
as simple as that. There are certain
rules and regulation
Glad to hear it.
Keep the riffraff out.
I don't believe I'm making myself
entirely clear. We have a very
restrictive...entrance...policy.
Quite right! No jeans!
No work overalls. Over-21s only.
Come on, old chap. How much is it?
Do you take Barclaycard?
It's not a question of money.
Dear me, how can I put this?
Your names would not be appropriate
on our members list.
I'm not sure I'm with you,
old fruity.
Well, let's take a little look at
our list of members, then, shall we?
Wing Commander Buffy Henderson.
Hmm.
Brigadier Sir Bufton Tufton.
Hmm.
No?
Mr Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe.
ALL: Yes?
You must see how your
names are different.
What - Denis Cooper?
That's your name, is it?
Yes, and this is my good friend
St John. Hello, how d'you do?
But you're both, um...
Yes?
We don't allow...
What?
Look, no Pakis. All right?
I should hope not! Quite right, too.
APPLAUSE
Miaow, pussycats.
Yah, it's me -
Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten,
spraying hot gossip into your faces
and lighting up your dull lives.
Guess which humble number one
confidante of the rich and famous
has been invited to the premiere
of the hot new Bollywood flick.
Yah, me. All the stars
will be glittering -
Salman, Akshay, Jackie...
Salman.
And here we are. Let's go in.
It's showtime, pussycats.
MIAOWS
Have you booked?
Oh, miaow! Female jealousy
follows Smita wherever she goes.
We haven't got any tickets left.
Hiss! Could it be that Salman Khan
has heard that I've been
stepping out with J
and barred Smita from the party?
We've got tickets for tomorrow
night if you want to book.
Or you could come back.
Art Malik!
Over there.
TOOTLING ON RECORDER
Well done, Katy! That was very good!
You're going to be a big musician
when you grow up, aren't you?
Has anybody else got a party piece?
Manoj has one. Don't you, beta?
Oh, mum! Come on. Come on. All the
grown-ups want to see. Don't you?
OK, then.
Good. OK, are you ready, then?
12-pack of toilet rolls?
£4,20, please.
20 Marlboro Lights?
£3.16. Oh...
A rose for the woman you love?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Cos I'm seeing her
after I drop you off, innit?
Check, please.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello. Mr Gauthum from the pest
control agency. You rang earlier.
Oh, yeah.
We've got mice all over the place.
That's what we're here for. Come in.
I'll show you where the problem is.
HE HUMS
Oh, that's an unusual uniform.
Uniform? Actually, I'm a Buddhist.
The mice are nesting
under the cooker.
Yes, that's quite normal.
Well, I'll take it from here.
What bait are you going to use?
Bait? No bait.
Oh, you use traps?
Traps, I do not use.
So how are you going to kill them?
Kill?!
How are you gonna get rid of them?
Ah, Buddha teaches us there is more
than one way to get rid of mice.
We do not have to kill.
Right, so what are you gonna do?
I intend to make them think again
about their actions.
Hang on. Think again about their
actions? How are you gonna do that?
Ah, that's the clever bit.
You see, I have brought with me...
a small banyan tree...
under which the mice will sit
in cross-legged contemplation
until eventually they will
reach enlightenment. Right.
And stop crapping in the bread-bin?
They will reach nirvana,
where there are more enlightened
toilet facilities.
Look, just kill them. I cannot
kill them. But if you insist
on death, I could try so
It is an extreme measure. What is?
I could create a very oppressive
political regime under your cooker.
It will cause the mice to set fire
to themselves in protest. Shut up.
Is there anyone in your firm
who kills mice? There's Mr Kumar.
Right. He kills mice
No, but he makes them behave
so badly that they come back in
their next lives as little st
which are much easier to catch.
Thanks, that's great. Get out.
If you insist, I can call Mr Malik.
He'll kill your mice. Oh, really?
As long as you don't mind him
slitting their throats and hanging
them up on little hooks. G
APPLAUSE
Really cool outfit! Are you coming
to the '70s revival night as well?
No, I've just arrived from Patiala.
DING-DONG
Hello? Would you be interested
in literature about Krishna? No.
Brahma? No, sorry. Siva?
No, sorry. Double glazing?
Oh, yeah. Come in.
KNOCKING
Come on in.
'She walked in like a cool breeze
on a hot night,
'but I wasn't gonna be blown away.'
Mr Sethi, I need your help.
'I gave her the once-over.
'Nice figures.
She knew how to use her assets.
Something just didn't add up.'
I think I might be in trouble.
I'm sure you are. No-one talks to
an accountant unless they have to.
Will you help me?
I ain't cheap.
That's not what I heard.
'The lady had style, but she was
high maintenance. All luxury
expenditure, no savings
'I decided to double my fee.'
50 a day, plus expenses.
Tax deductible, naturally.
'She was surprised. Her brown eyes
flickered like a warning sign.'
Mr Sethi...
Sam.
I don't have much money right now,
but if you help me,
I'll find some way to...repay you.
'Double entry. Double entry.
'Book-keeping - that's all I could
think about. She was a tough cookie,
but I wasn'
You listen to me, cousin-sister.
I'm an accountant. I get broads
like you throwing themselves at me.
They're trying to knock you down.
You came here because you heard
I was cheap. Sorry. That's
something we don't have in com
OK, lady, I'll do your accounts.
I'll call you in a week...innit?
You don't have to call me, Sam.
You don't even have to write.
Just use your little machine
to balance the books.
You know how to balance the books,
don't you, Sam?
You just put your lips together...
and blow.
'And she was gone, leaving me
feeling like an outdated PEP.
'But I knew she'd be back,
for tomorrow was the first day
of the rest of my financial
Oh, look.
TING
Hello, old boy. We'd like
to join the Conservative Party.
Fantastic. We're keen to attract
members of ALL ethnic communities.
Hello, and welcome to this special
edition of MasterChef, coming to you
from the bustling city o
In the Red Kitchen today we have
renowned society lady, Rani Rao.
Hello, Rani.
Hi, Loyd. How's it hanging?
What will you be cooking for us?
I'm going to be serving up
baked truffled eggs, a brochette
of langoustines in a
and a three chocolate terrine.
That fennel coulis sounds delicious.
Quite a challenge for you, though.
I'll do my best.
OK, Rani, we'll start the clock now,
and let's get cooking. OK.
SHOUTING IN HINDI
Rani, Rani! No, no, no, no! What
are you doing? This is MasterChef.
I am the master, this is the chef.
No, you cook the food yourself.
It's a competition.
Me? Yes. Do I look like a bloody
servant to you? It's the rules.
I've never been so insulted
in all my life!
Doctor, do you realise what you've
done? This is the greatest day
in the history of m
You've created an antibody that
kills cancer cells. Let's test it.
Kill them, you say?
No, no, no, no. We mustn't kill.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry. We'll cope.
We'll be fine. But our little girl
is grown up and married
PIANO CHORDS
¦ Our last child is married
¦ Gone away to start anew
¦ The house feels so empty
¦ What can we do?
¦ Well, we could...
¦ Chase each other round the room
You smack my bottom with a broom
¦ The things you can do
When the kids ain't around
¦ We can dance like Bollywood stars
Do it on the bonnet of a Datsun car
¦ Sit on the washing machine
And feel weird... ¦
No!
¦ Or we could just talk
¦ To each other
¦ Visit a massi or two
¦ A walk
¦ By the river
¦ Dine at the Ritz, tea for two
¦ Or we could...
¦ Roll around in ghee
Play hide-the-kebab
¦ The things you can do
when the kids ain't around
¦ I could swing from the lampshade
in my Batman cape
Smoke dope and hallucinate
¦ The things you can do
when the kids are away
¦ Or we could just read
¦ To each other
¦ Share a moment, me and you
¦ Cook
¦ For your mother
¦ Attend some cultural do...
Or... Yes. We... I know. Could...
¦ Watch naughty movies on satellite
Build an extension in the moonlight
¦ Ring up strangers
Make animal sounds
¦ Cook in the nude
Cover each other in lots of food
¦ For 9½ weeks we'd be in the mood
When kids are married, people cry
¦ Oh, but this is the happiest day
of my life
¦ Oh, all the things
that we can do-o-o-o-o! ¦
It's appalling. Women are under
all that pressure to be thin,
do their hair, have the right nose.
Absolutely.
That's what's great about you.
You make no effort at all.
Check, please.
This is it - EuroStar! Yeah, man!
In three hours we'll be in Paris.
Three hours! It is the future of
travel in a European s
Yeah, yeah, it's like a fusion, man,
between England and France.
And the whole of Europe, man.
Think of the places you can get to.
Paris! Brussels!
Paris!
Anywhere in Europe, man.
Turkey, Poland, Netherland,
Disneyland.
Hold on, man. Turkey's in Asia, man.
No, man. You're thinking
of Bangladesh, innit?
How fast do you think we're going?
Top speed 340kph, man. Whoa!
What's that in miles?
Converted into miles, that is...
900! You times by 4, take away 3.
I can't get used to conversion, man.
Euro-cats will be ruling over us.
British way of life will be changed
by Euro-changes, innit? All of it?
Totally, man. Even our music?
The first to go. You mean like...?
No more techno-bhangra disco fever,
innit? No way, man!
British activities will be banned.
No more chilling out outside the
temple, checking
No more pakoras. Pakoras banned!
Unless Euro-weight. Euro-taste! You
know what'
Frogs' legs. Sauerkraut! Spaghetti!
We've gotta protect our traditional
British way of life, innit? Yeah.
Let's get off the train, man. Yeah.
'This is the Northern Line
service...'
Man, I told you the terminal
wasn't in Tooting Bec! Innit!
OK, OK, people!
Listen up, listen up, listen up!
Before we start, yah,
I'd like to introduce you to Dev,
our new features man.
Whoo, Dev! Dev, welcome
to British Asian Man's Quarterly,
the premier style magazine
for Asian men. Whoo! Right, thanks.
Let's get on with it. Anil,
what's new in health and fitness?
JJ, we're running a piece on body
toning. A classic Asian look -
a huge beer gut with spindly legs.
Whoo! OK, Raj...
Food. I've done a series
of easy-to-prepare meals to fit in
with our readers'
including lager and samosa butties.
Oh, nice. And they're printed
on perforated cards so the reader
can tear them out
Yes...!
What? To give to their wives.
Oh, right! OK...
Love and sex. What have we got?
JJ, we've got some exciting stuff
this month.
I'm starting with a piece called
What Women Really, Really Want
And How Not To Give It To Them.
Followed by...
Spice Up Your Marriage -
Sleep With Your Wife.
And finally, Sex After Pregnancy -
Ugh! Why Bother?
And tips on attracting the perfect
partner on perforated cards which
the reader can tear out an
Ow, ow, ow...
What do you mean?
To give to their mothers.
OK, Dev, here's your chance.
What are you bringing to the party?
I'm disappointed
with what I've heard.
Sorry? I thought
this was a progressive journal,
dealing with real issues.
All I hear is reactionary drivel.
Sorry you feel that way.
I've written an article about
having a pregnant white girlfriend.
Not sure I'm with you
on that one, Dev.
Quickest way to change your phone
number. How to beat the DNA test.
Cheapest flights to India.
Check, please.
BLEEPING
< Hello? Hello?
Hello. I do hope I'm not intruding
on your simple, rural rituals.
It's just that I'm visiting
from England, and I wanted to see
something, you know, authenti
Please come in, Mrs...?
Call me Rose.
Oh, my goodness!
This is absolutely perfect!
What is it that you do, Rose?
I'm an artefacts buyer
for a chain of stores. Ohhhhhhhh!
I know, you wouldn't understand
such decadent Western practices.
You're connected with the flow of
the seasons, the ripening of crops.
But that's what I do.
That's my "korma".
Korma!
What's that over there?
What, the old pail...? Ow!
That...was my great-grandmother's
birthing bucket.
Three generations of downtrodden
dung-handlers have squatted over it.
It is over here because
we like looking at it and...
crying.
Lovely, isn't it? It's amazing.
I mean, you could really
appreciate it if it was mounted on
a plinth with subtle back-lig
I've lost you. I do apologise.
I'm sorry. May I sit down? Oh, no!
Not on my uncle's prayer-seat.
I thought it was a deck chair.
I suppose you'll be telling us
that this is a Formica coffee table
with a l
Well...
It is a 200-year-old bullock slide.
You see, the bullock
climbs up here and slides through
the middle of the gap there.
You must think I'm stupid.
Er...well...
I am stupid not to have seen how
precious these things are to you.
This whole house tells a story.
That thing on the wall that to
my eyes looks like a can-opener...
An authentic turban-winder.
The patterned bedspread over here.
A hessian covering woven by blind
Punjabi widows. Looks familiar.
It is amazing how our ancient gods
look so much like the Power Rangers.
I know this is presumptuous of me,
but this whole house is a monument
to authentic India.
I could offer you a sizable...
No, you'd never sell your heritage.
What am I thinking?
How much? £2,000?
Let me help you load your
Land Rover. Don't forget these.
But aren't those cow pats?
Coasters.
Authentic.
Subtitles by John Macdonald, Subtext
for BBC Subtitling, 1998
MUSIC: "Godfather Theme"
The family decided that Don Rossini
should be sleeping with the fishes.
We want you to make the hit because
you're the best in the business.
Rub him out clean. Capisce?
You understand? Uh-huh.
Do it in public so everybody
can see what happens to a guy
who dishonours the family.
How are you gonna kill him?
Kill?
No, no, no, no, no, no. No killing.
Ah!
A perfect English summer's day!
And nothing could be more English
than a spot of tennis
at the new club.
Yes, marvellous, darling.
Do adjust your shorts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I say, isn't that Surjit and Veena?
Yoo-hoo! SURJIT!!
Pronounced "St John", actually.
And "Vanessa".
Of course, of course, of course...
Well, what a nice surprise.
I said to Vanessa,
"Have the Kapoors joined?"
You mean Coopers.
Coopers, of course.
So, Dinesh...
So, Dinesh... Denis.
Looking forward to tucking away
some loose balls?
Damn shorts!
I meant tennis balls, Denis.
I knew that. I knew that.
Marvellous about Tim Henman.
Yes, marvellous.
Who?
Tim Henman, the English tennis ace.
Ah, ah, ah, Tim Henman!
Yes, we haven't had
a world-class player like him
since Vijay Amritraj retired.
You mean "Vaginia Wide".
Yes, that's the fellow.
Shall we digress to the reception?
Digressing, digressing.
Excuse me. Where do we sign in?
I'm sorry, members only.
Yes, we'd like to join.
Hence the attire.
Yes. You see, I've got the racket
and he's got the bal
Anyone for...Denis?
Where do we sign? It's not
as simple as that. There are certain
rules and regulation
Glad to hear it.
Keep the riffraff out.
I don't believe I'm making myself
entirely clear. We have a very
restrictive...entrance...policy.
Quite right! No jeans!
No work overalls. Over-21s only.
Come on, old chap. How much is it?
Do you take Barclaycard?
It's not a question of money.
Dear me, how can I put this?
Your names would not be appropriate
on our members list.
I'm not sure I'm with you,
old fruity.
Well, let's take a little look at
our list of members, then, shall we?
Wing Commander Buffy Henderson.
Hmm.
Brigadier Sir Bufton Tufton.
Hmm.
No?
Mr Reginald Ponsonby-Smythe.
ALL: Yes?
You must see how your
names are different.
What - Denis Cooper?
That's your name, is it?
Yes, and this is my good friend
St John. Hello, how d'you do?
But you're both, um...
Yes?
We don't allow...
What?
Look, no Pakis. All right?
I should hope not! Quite right, too.
APPLAUSE
Miaow, pussycats.
Yah, it's me -
Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten,
spraying hot gossip into your faces
and lighting up your dull lives.
Guess which humble number one
confidante of the rich and famous
has been invited to the premiere
of the hot new Bollywood flick.
Yah, me. All the stars
will be glittering -
Salman, Akshay, Jackie...
Salman.
And here we are. Let's go in.
It's showtime, pussycats.
MIAOWS
Have you booked?
Oh, miaow! Female jealousy
follows Smita wherever she goes.
We haven't got any tickets left.
Hiss! Could it be that Salman Khan
has heard that I've been
stepping out with J
and barred Smita from the party?
We've got tickets for tomorrow
night if you want to book.
Or you could come back.
Art Malik!
Over there.
TOOTLING ON RECORDER
Well done, Katy! That was very good!
You're going to be a big musician
when you grow up, aren't you?
Has anybody else got a party piece?
Manoj has one. Don't you, beta?
Oh, mum! Come on. Come on. All the
grown-ups want to see. Don't you?
OK, then.
Good. OK, are you ready, then?
12-pack of toilet rolls?
£4,20, please.
20 Marlboro Lights?
£3.16. Oh...
A rose for the woman you love?
Oh, that's a good idea.
Cos I'm seeing her
after I drop you off, innit?
Check, please.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello. Mr Gauthum from the pest
control agency. You rang earlier.
Oh, yeah.
We've got mice all over the place.
That's what we're here for. Come in.
I'll show you where the problem is.
HE HUMS
Oh, that's an unusual uniform.
Uniform? Actually, I'm a Buddhist.
The mice are nesting
under the cooker.
Yes, that's quite normal.
Well, I'll take it from here.
What bait are you going to use?
Bait? No bait.
Oh, you use traps?
Traps, I do not use.
So how are you going to kill them?
Kill?!
How are you gonna get rid of them?
Ah, Buddha teaches us there is more
than one way to get rid of mice.
We do not have to kill.
Right, so what are you gonna do?
I intend to make them think again
about their actions.
Hang on. Think again about their
actions? How are you gonna do that?
Ah, that's the clever bit.
You see, I have brought with me...
a small banyan tree...
under which the mice will sit
in cross-legged contemplation
until eventually they will
reach enlightenment. Right.
And stop crapping in the bread-bin?
They will reach nirvana,
where there are more enlightened
toilet facilities.
Look, just kill them. I cannot
kill them. But if you insist
on death, I could try so
It is an extreme measure. What is?
I could create a very oppressive
political regime under your cooker.
It will cause the mice to set fire
to themselves in protest. Shut up.
Is there anyone in your firm
who kills mice? There's Mr Kumar.
Right. He kills mice
No, but he makes them behave
so badly that they come back in
their next lives as little st
which are much easier to catch.
Thanks, that's great. Get out.
If you insist, I can call Mr Malik.
He'll kill your mice. Oh, really?
As long as you don't mind him
slitting their throats and hanging
them up on little hooks. G
APPLAUSE
Really cool outfit! Are you coming
to the '70s revival night as well?
No, I've just arrived from Patiala.
DING-DONG
Hello? Would you be interested
in literature about Krishna? No.
Brahma? No, sorry. Siva?
No, sorry. Double glazing?
Oh, yeah. Come in.
KNOCKING
Come on in.
'She walked in like a cool breeze
on a hot night,
'but I wasn't gonna be blown away.'
Mr Sethi, I need your help.
'I gave her the once-over.
'Nice figures.
She knew how to use her assets.
Something just didn't add up.'
I think I might be in trouble.
I'm sure you are. No-one talks to
an accountant unless they have to.
Will you help me?
I ain't cheap.
That's not what I heard.
'The lady had style, but she was
high maintenance. All luxury
expenditure, no savings
'I decided to double my fee.'
50 a day, plus expenses.
Tax deductible, naturally.
'She was surprised. Her brown eyes
flickered like a warning sign.'
Mr Sethi...
Sam.
I don't have much money right now,
but if you help me,
I'll find some way to...repay you.
'Double entry. Double entry.
'Book-keeping - that's all I could
think about. She was a tough cookie,
but I wasn'
You listen to me, cousin-sister.
I'm an accountant. I get broads
like you throwing themselves at me.
They're trying to knock you down.
You came here because you heard
I was cheap. Sorry. That's
something we don't have in com
OK, lady, I'll do your accounts.
I'll call you in a week...innit?
You don't have to call me, Sam.
You don't even have to write.
Just use your little machine
to balance the books.
You know how to balance the books,
don't you, Sam?
You just put your lips together...
and blow.
'And she was gone, leaving me
feeling like an outdated PEP.
'But I knew she'd be back,
for tomorrow was the first day
of the rest of my financial
Oh, look.
TING
Hello, old boy. We'd like
to join the Conservative Party.
Fantastic. We're keen to attract
members of ALL ethnic communities.
Hello, and welcome to this special
edition of MasterChef, coming to you
from the bustling city o
In the Red Kitchen today we have
renowned society lady, Rani Rao.
Hello, Rani.
Hi, Loyd. How's it hanging?
What will you be cooking for us?
I'm going to be serving up
baked truffled eggs, a brochette
of langoustines in a
and a three chocolate terrine.
That fennel coulis sounds delicious.
Quite a challenge for you, though.
I'll do my best.
OK, Rani, we'll start the clock now,
and let's get cooking. OK.
SHOUTING IN HINDI
Rani, Rani! No, no, no, no! What
are you doing? This is MasterChef.
I am the master, this is the chef.
No, you cook the food yourself.
It's a competition.
Me? Yes. Do I look like a bloody
servant to you? It's the rules.
I've never been so insulted
in all my life!
Doctor, do you realise what you've
done? This is the greatest day
in the history of m
You've created an antibody that
kills cancer cells. Let's test it.
Kill them, you say?
No, no, no, no. We mustn't kill.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry. We'll cope.
We'll be fine. But our little girl
is grown up and married
PIANO CHORDS
¦ Our last child is married
¦ Gone away to start anew
¦ The house feels so empty
¦ What can we do?
¦ Well, we could...
¦ Chase each other round the room
You smack my bottom with a broom
¦ The things you can do
When the kids ain't around
¦ We can dance like Bollywood stars
Do it on the bonnet of a Datsun car
¦ Sit on the washing machine
And feel weird... ¦
No!
¦ Or we could just talk
¦ To each other
¦ Visit a massi or two
¦ A walk
¦ By the river
¦ Dine at the Ritz, tea for two
¦ Or we could...
¦ Roll around in ghee
Play hide-the-kebab
¦ The things you can do
when the kids ain't around
¦ I could swing from the lampshade
in my Batman cape
Smoke dope and hallucinate
¦ The things you can do
when the kids are away
¦ Or we could just read
¦ To each other
¦ Share a moment, me and you
¦ Cook
¦ For your mother
¦ Attend some cultural do...
Or... Yes. We... I know. Could...
¦ Watch naughty movies on satellite
Build an extension in the moonlight
¦ Ring up strangers
Make animal sounds
¦ Cook in the nude
Cover each other in lots of food
¦ For 9½ weeks we'd be in the mood
When kids are married, people cry
¦ Oh, but this is the happiest day
of my life
¦ Oh, all the things
that we can do-o-o-o-o! ¦
It's appalling. Women are under
all that pressure to be thin,
do their hair, have the right nose.
Absolutely.
That's what's great about you.
You make no effort at all.
Check, please.
This is it - EuroStar! Yeah, man!
In three hours we'll be in Paris.
Three hours! It is the future of
travel in a European s
Yeah, yeah, it's like a fusion, man,
between England and France.
And the whole of Europe, man.
Think of the places you can get to.
Paris! Brussels!
Paris!
Anywhere in Europe, man.
Turkey, Poland, Netherland,
Disneyland.
Hold on, man. Turkey's in Asia, man.
No, man. You're thinking
of Bangladesh, innit?
How fast do you think we're going?
Top speed 340kph, man. Whoa!
What's that in miles?
Converted into miles, that is...
900! You times by 4, take away 3.
I can't get used to conversion, man.
Euro-cats will be ruling over us.
British way of life will be changed
by Euro-changes, innit? All of it?
Totally, man. Even our music?
The first to go. You mean like...?
No more techno-bhangra disco fever,
innit? No way, man!
British activities will be banned.
No more chilling out outside the
temple, checking
No more pakoras. Pakoras banned!
Unless Euro-weight. Euro-taste! You
know what'
Frogs' legs. Sauerkraut! Spaghetti!
We've gotta protect our traditional
British way of life, innit? Yeah.
Let's get off the train, man. Yeah.
'This is the Northern Line
service...'
Man, I told you the terminal
wasn't in Tooting Bec! Innit!
OK, OK, people!
Listen up, listen up, listen up!
Before we start, yah,
I'd like to introduce you to Dev,
our new features man.
Whoo, Dev! Dev, welcome
to British Asian Man's Quarterly,
the premier style magazine
for Asian men. Whoo! Right, thanks.
Let's get on with it. Anil,
what's new in health and fitness?
JJ, we're running a piece on body
toning. A classic Asian look -
a huge beer gut with spindly legs.
Whoo! OK, Raj...
Food. I've done a series
of easy-to-prepare meals to fit in
with our readers'
including lager and samosa butties.
Oh, nice. And they're printed
on perforated cards so the reader
can tear them out
Yes...!
What? To give to their wives.
Oh, right! OK...
Love and sex. What have we got?
JJ, we've got some exciting stuff
this month.
I'm starting with a piece called
What Women Really, Really Want
And How Not To Give It To Them.
Followed by...
Spice Up Your Marriage -
Sleep With Your Wife.
And finally, Sex After Pregnancy -
Ugh! Why Bother?
And tips on attracting the perfect
partner on perforated cards which
the reader can tear out an
Ow, ow, ow...
What do you mean?
To give to their mothers.
OK, Dev, here's your chance.
What are you bringing to the party?
I'm disappointed
with what I've heard.
Sorry? I thought
this was a progressive journal,
dealing with real issues.
All I hear is reactionary drivel.
Sorry you feel that way.
I've written an article about
having a pregnant white girlfriend.
Not sure I'm with you
on that one, Dev.
Quickest way to change your phone
number. How to beat the DNA test.
Cheapest flights to India.
Check, please.
BLEEPING
< Hello? Hello?
Hello. I do hope I'm not intruding
on your simple, rural rituals.
It's just that I'm visiting
from England, and I wanted to see
something, you know, authenti
Please come in, Mrs...?
Call me Rose.
Oh, my goodness!
This is absolutely perfect!
What is it that you do, Rose?
I'm an artefacts buyer
for a chain of stores. Ohhhhhhhh!
I know, you wouldn't understand
such decadent Western practices.
You're connected with the flow of
the seasons, the ripening of crops.
But that's what I do.
That's my "korma".
Korma!
What's that over there?
What, the old pail...? Ow!
That...was my great-grandmother's
birthing bucket.
Three generations of downtrodden
dung-handlers have squatted over it.
It is over here because
we like looking at it and...
crying.
Lovely, isn't it? It's amazing.
I mean, you could really
appreciate it if it was mounted on
a plinth with subtle back-lig
I've lost you. I do apologise.
I'm sorry. May I sit down? Oh, no!
Not on my uncle's prayer-seat.
I thought it was a deck chair.
I suppose you'll be telling us
that this is a Formica coffee table
with a l
Well...
It is a 200-year-old bullock slide.
You see, the bullock
climbs up here and slides through
the middle of the gap there.
You must think I'm stupid.
Er...well...
I am stupid not to have seen how
precious these things are to you.
This whole house tells a story.
That thing on the wall that to
my eyes looks like a can-opener...
An authentic turban-winder.
The patterned bedspread over here.
A hessian covering woven by blind
Punjabi widows. Looks familiar.
It is amazing how our ancient gods
look so much like the Power Rangers.
I know this is presumptuous of me,
but this whole house is a monument
to authentic India.
I could offer you a sizable...
No, you'd never sell your heritage.
What am I thinking?
How much? £2,000?
Let me help you load your
Land Rover. Don't forget these.
But aren't those cow pats?
Coasters.
Authentic.
Subtitles by John Macdonald, Subtext
for BBC Subtitling, 1998
MUSIC: "Godfather Theme"
The family decided that Don Rossini
should be sleeping with the fishes.
We want you to make the hit because
you're the best in the business.
Rub him out clean. Capisce?
You understand? Uh-huh.
Do it in public so everybody
can see what happens to a guy
who dishonours the family.
How are you gonna kill him?
Kill?
No, no, no, no, no, no. No killing.