Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Ready to order? Yeah, Dad. Yeah.
I think I'll have the pizza.
Yeah, me too.
Mum? I'm not hungry.
What?
The pizzas are really good here.
What is pizza? Why should I pay
people for pizza when I can make it
at home for nothi
Of course I can make pizza.
All I need is tomato, atta, paneer
and a small aubergine.
But it's not the same, is it?
Now your mother can't cook?!
OK, forget pizza - have spaghetti.
Spaghetti...I can make at home.
No, you can't. We haven't got
any spaghetti at home.
I cut the roti into thin strips.
Then all you need is mince, tomato,
paneer and a sma
Every time we go out, it's the same.
..Waiter, call us a taxi.
Oh, Dad! Dad!
Taxi!
Taxi I can make at home.
All you need is a car, a driver...
and a small aubergine.
Eagle B to Control. Looking good.
Roger, Eagle. Approach is on.
Check all systems for final approach.
Brakes,
saddle and little dingly bell.
I got a blow-out!
I can't stabilise. I can't hold it.
She's breaking up!
Oh, bugger!
Sanjiv Austin, rickshaw test pilot.
A man barely alive.
We can rebuild him. We have
the power and capability. We don't
have the ideal exchange rate.
Yes, Sanjiv Austin is...
KNOCKING
Oscar. Sanjiv. You rebuilt me. Yeah.
At a cost of six million rupees.
150,000?
Possibly more on the black market.
So I'm faster, better, stronger
than I was before?
Well, no.
What's my first mission?
Sanjiv Austin, your first mission
is to buy some groceries.
I'd like some sugar, please.
I'm afraid we don't have any.
BEEPING
Yes, you do.
Behind you - on the shelf.
How did you see that?
My bionic eye enables me
to see objects.
Wow!
Would you like a...bag?
No, thanks. My bionic arm enables
me to carry small items of shopping.
Sanjiv Austin, you have successfully
completed your first mission.
This tea tastes much better with
sugar. Yeah, but where are those
plastic stirrers we used t
You're standing on them.
They're under my feet?
No, we made your legs out of them.
CRACK!
TV ON
Hi, Mum, Dad. Oh, hello.
..Hello, Simon.
Very good, very good. Sit, sit.
So, you two boys been out
chasing girls again tonight?
You can't go on like that for ever.
Think about settling down.
Simon, you should help him -
help him find a nice girl.
Look, Mum, Dad, there is something
we need to talk about.
How can I put it?
You've seen my record collection?
Yes! ..He has hundreds of records.
They're all by Judy Garland.
No, no. Also you have
Shirley Bassey, Gloria Gaynor...
Village People.Village People.
Yes! Do you see what I'm saying?
BOTH: Er...no.
Isn't it odd I never brought any
girls home? You are a good boy.
I've never had any girlfriends.
You're waiting for the right girl.
No, I ain't waiting for any girl.
There is no rush. You are very busy.
Look, we live together.
Fun, isn't it? I used to live
with 400 other men in the army.
No, no, no. Me and Simon
sleep together, all right?
Morecambe and Wise slept together.
Laurel and Hardy. Comic teams.
OK, I'm gay, OK? And so am I.
What - both of you?
Oh, my God!
My son is a lesbian!
Go to your room and don't come back
until you're not of the gay!
Simon is my life partner.
We're madly in love. We enjoy
a full physical relationship.
Mum! Dad! Don't get upset!
You'll get used to it.
I'm still the same person.
But Simon...
You couldn't have found
a nice Indian boy?
APPLAUSE
Excuse me, this cheese...
Yes, madam?
I can make it at home for nothing.
No! What did you do that for?
Hello, sweetie. ..Hello!
Batchi!
Now, kids,
I've got a surprise for you.
What is it? You know how
you're always on about a pet.
Yes! Well, I got one! Eeeee!
A dog? A dog?
No, dogs are very dirty.
They smell, they leave
their hair all over the place,
they do their toilet on the carpet.
Hindus don't keep dogs. A cat?
No, cats are also very dirty animals.
They do their toilet on a tray
in the kitchen.
Come with me. Close your eyes.
Close, close.
Come on, come on.
..Sweetheart, come on.
Keep your eyes closed.
Don't open. Don't open.
Step, step, step! Come on, darling.
OK...and open!
Kids, it's little Daisy!
It's a cow.
Actually, she's a mad cow. She was
going to be killed by the barbarian
westerners, but I saved he
Dad... I know what you're going
to say, but cows are very clean.
They do their toile
They give milk, till the land,
they're loyal. Stroke her.
I don't want a cow. Don't want one.
Shut up! Come and play with the cow.
..Fetch!
Get this cow off my doorstep.
Get the stick. She'll fetch it.
No, she won't. All she
Eugh!
Apart from that!
OK, as responsible pet owners, let's
put that in a bag and throw it away.
I'm going in. No way! No way!
Help me with this shit!
MUSIC: "The Size Of A Cow"
by the Wonder Stuff
Heel! Heel! Stop!
OK?
Come on, everybody,
only four miles to home.
Help me!
It's running away.
Easy! Easy!
What have we got there? 60-year-old
female collapsed with chest pains.
Have you got
Here. 20mg of atropine
and 5mg of diamorphine. BP's 80/50.
Oxygen. She's coming round.
You're in hospital. We have
to perform a bypass operation.
No. I can perform bypass operation
at home.
All I need is a piece of artery, a
sharp knife and a small aubergine.
Oh... I'm sure you'll love it. I'll
just get your receipt. Thank you.
A-hem. >
Uncle!
Raju, Sangeeta, how are you?
Good to see you. How are you?
Good. You buying holiday?
Yes, we're going away.
Why not come to me? You're not a
travel agent. You'd get it cheaper.
We've booked already. Don't worry.
We've got the tickets.
Very good. Uncle... Never too late.
Please... Don't insult me.
He's gone... Don
You leave everything to me.
Raju, go to the airport.
Tell them you are Mr Makhija -
64 years old, travelling to Delhi.
We want to go to Tenerife. ..Two
weeks later, you go to the airport.
Tell them you ar
64, travelling to Calcutta.
But he'll be in Delhi. No, I won't.
He's arranged... You want cheap
holiday? I will get for you.
No, we want a nice holiday -
together.
It's better to go separately.
We have to go together.
Don't worry. We have to go together
because I'm ovulating
and we're trying for a bab
There! You happy now?
You want baby?
Why didn't you come to me?
I can get you much cheaper.
INTRO TO "I Know Him So Well"
¦ Bunty is the man
that I've been waiting for
¦ I met him
through my cousin's brother's son
¦ And after just one date
in Pizza Hut
¦ I knew that for me he was the one
¦ Bunty's been my lover now
for six long years
¦ I'm the English girl
he never takes outside
¦ And now I hear
his mother's chosen him...
¦ A village virgin
for his brand-new bride
¦ Isn't he good? Lying git!
¦ Isn't he fine? What a big shit!
¦ Isn't it crazy?
He will... Won't... Be mine
¦ But in the end he needs someone
who is just like me
He needs security
¦ He used me
just to practise shagging on
¦ I know him too well
¦ I love the way he smiles at me
so tenderly
¦ I won't miss his skid marks
or his smelly breath
¦ He must be clever
He's a pharmacist
¦ His brainless chatter
bored me half to death
¦ I wonder
if he's had a lot of girlfriends
¦ I wonder
if the poor cow knows the score
¦ But I'll forgive him -
he's my husband soon
¦ I'd like to nail his scrotum
to the floor
¦ What a dickhead!
And who are you?
¦ I wish he was dead!
This can't be true
¦ He lied to me
And he can lie to you
¦ But in the end,
he needs a little bit more than me,
more than a goree...
¦ He told me that I was the only one
¦ I know him too well...
Well, you've got 50 years
to change him
¦ I know him too well. ¦
If you wanted money, you should
have come to me. No... No problem.
I can get you much cheaper. Fine...
So sweet!
You don't worry! Don't insult me!
It's OK. Don't insult me.
Don't worry!
Hi, thanks for coming. Hello.
Did you get a chance to look at
the script? Yes. Great. Sit down.
Thanks.
OK, now, as you know,
your character is an Indian girl
who was beaten up by her father
and six brothers for
She's ended up as a drug-abusing
prostitute, living on the streets
and having to fend
It's set in Glasgow, so what
I'm looking for is broad Scottish
with just a trace of I
Right. I'll try.
That's great.
I'll read in Keith -
that's her pimp -
if you would read in Nazneen...
Nazneen Suleman. Nazneen Suleman.
Sorry. That's all right.
Right, let's give it a whirl.
So, you little bitch! Thought you
could get away with ripping me off!
No-one does tha
Oh...
That's great. Thanks very much.
You've embarrassed me enough
already. Put it in the garden. OK.
Oh, my God!
What's happened? We've been burgled.
I thought the windows and doors
were locked.
How did they get in, then?
Maybe through the cow flap.
I mean, we're normally so careful...
Did you say COW flap?
Cow flap.
Like a cat flap?
Yes. For a cow.
Large enough for a cow.
Obviously.
And smaller things.
Like TVs, fridges, videos...
The average size of a cow...
Of all the stupid...!
What possessed you
to put in a bloody cow flap?
I thought it would be easier for
the cow if she could come and go.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Why have I got such a budoo
for a husband? You'll upset Daisy.
She's upset already.
DAISY CLUCKS
Oh, my God!
What's keeping them? We're lucky to
have got a kidney at all. Let's go.
Don't touch that!
Hey, Beta!
Hello, Uncle. If you wanted a
kidney, why didn't you come to me?
I could've got you much cheaper.
We're very busy, please...
Ah...ah...ah...
You're very kind, but...
Don't insult me. Don't worry!
Leave it to me.
Oh... Rubbish!
Don't worry!
This is fierce, man!
I can't believe you got tickets
for the Oprah Winfrey Show!
I didn't even know she was in
the country. My uncle works in TV.
Massive, man! What channel?
All of them. Eh? He's a repairman.
I love Oprah, man! When I grow up
I wanna be like Oprah!
Yeah!
An overweight, middle-aged black
woman? No! Rich and successful...
A TV mogul. She's the richest woman
in the world, man! That is because
chat shows a
Do you know why? Is it because of
the angst caused by the dissolution
of the common
No, you bendu!
It is because a problem aired
is a problem shared.
People got problems
they wanna chat about, innit?
You mean like the... Rasmalai!
Everyone.
So what's your problem, man?
I ain't got one! What's yours?
I ain't got a problem! Calm down!
You calm down! You calm down!
Shhhh.
See? Now we've aired our problems,
innit?
..I feel better already.
Oprah can do that. Make
the audience relate to each other.
That's why she's the best.
Better than Ricki Lake? Easy.
Better than Montel? No problem.
Esther?
Even Esther, man!
Who do you think would win
in a fight? What a stupid question!
I just wondered...
Oprah would kick their butts!
Cos she's the best! Yeah! Yeah!
Have you ever wondered why there's
no Asian talk show host? No. But
it's a good ques
it wouldn't work. Why not?
Imagine it.
"Tonight - women who run off with
their husband's sister's husbands.
"Here's your host - Auntie Prem!"
Auntie comes on. First thing
she does? Give everyone a thapaar!
Then she says, "Total bestie! You
shameless women! Out my studio!"
End of show. Credits.
Leave it to Oprah.
APPLAUSE
Here she is.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Man, she look different from the TV,
innit?
W-W-W-W-What you mean? Thinner?
No, man, whiter.
SOPRANA BELTS OUT AN ARIA
Man, are you sure
these are Oprah tickets?
Innit!
ORGAN PLAYS
If you wanted a funeral,
you should've come to me.
It's not too late.
You don't worry about a thing.
Hi, Magenta Devine here.
Welcome to another of India's
favourite travel show Back Packs.
The show where I follow the
travellers leaving the rat race
in search of passion, adventure
and spiritual awakening.
In this week's show, we have a group
of Delhi students who've taken
a year off to travel round th
Hi!
Here we are in England.
Already we're experiencing
major differences in culture.
You never know how long
you have to wait for a train.
Some journeys can take days.
The pace of life here
is much slower.
More relaxed? No, just slower.
What is the most famous garden
in the world?
Yes, London's famous Covent Garden.
You've been here a few days.
How are you getting on?
Oh, it's fab.
Love it!
Me too. Apart from the beggars.
I mean, people did warn us that
begging in England was pretty bad,
but we never expected
anything like this.
You feel you ought to help. There's
so many of them. If you give to
one, you have to
Eeeek!
Here we are - the local bazaar,
where your ordinary housewife comes
and does her shopping.
The food is very different
to what we're used to.
Don't buy from street vendors.
Avoid the meat completely.
It's really poor quality.
You have to use bottled water.
It's the same throughout Europe.
The girls have been shopping.
How are you doing, ladies?
I think we're doing OK.
Try not to look like a tourist
or they try and rip you off.
Look at this! I must have one!
Let me handle it. OK.
SLOWLY:
Excuse me! How much is this?
It's 30 pence, love.
Oh, don't charge us tourist prices.
How much would you charge a local?
It's 30p. He's trying it on. ..I'll
give you 20p. That's all we've got.
The Evening Standard's 30p.
So quiet, tranquil...
spiritual...
I think there's something
almost religious about these places.
I gather that you've undergone
a bit of a conversion.
Yes. I've become C of E.
I know what you're thinking,
but it's more than a religion -
it's a way of life.
What advice would you give
other travellers doing the UK?
Get your jabs done.
I've had a runny nose since Day 1.
You can't come to England
and not expect to get the flu.
I would warn women about the men.
Oh, definitely.
Their attitude is really bad.
Everywhere, they just stare at us.
I think they assume we're some sort
of Kamasutra Asian Babes.
Perhaps they're not used to
foreigners? We tried to blend in.
In the last few weeks, you've been
all over the UK. What have been
the highlights of your visit?
Stratford-upon-Avon
was my favourite.
What about Oxford? I loved Oxford.
Yes, but to see the real England,
you have to go to the villages.
I spent a week travelling around
Surrey. It was a different world.
I found a small village called
Guildford. There are people there
who've never seen a
Here we are. It's our last day
and we're going to the airport.
I'm not coming back with you.
I feel this is my spiritual home.
In what way? I met a group of
travellers who came in the '60s.
They formed their own community.
I'll stay with them. But will you
be happy? Just
Who wouldn't be happy here?
There's no university pressures
or looking for a good job
No parents. It's like paradise.
Subtitles by Martin Maguire
BBC Scotland 1998
What are you cooking for us today?
Foie gras, chilli con carne,
beef Wellington,
lobster thermidor, pizza,
baked Alaska, truffles and cheese.
That sounds fantastic.
Can we look at your ingredients?
Goodness gracious me!
I think I'll have the pizza.
Yeah, me too.
Mum? I'm not hungry.
What?
The pizzas are really good here.
What is pizza? Why should I pay
people for pizza when I can make it
at home for nothi
Of course I can make pizza.
All I need is tomato, atta, paneer
and a small aubergine.
But it's not the same, is it?
Now your mother can't cook?!
OK, forget pizza - have spaghetti.
Spaghetti...I can make at home.
No, you can't. We haven't got
any spaghetti at home.
I cut the roti into thin strips.
Then all you need is mince, tomato,
paneer and a sma
Every time we go out, it's the same.
..Waiter, call us a taxi.
Oh, Dad! Dad!
Taxi!
Taxi I can make at home.
All you need is a car, a driver...
and a small aubergine.
Eagle B to Control. Looking good.
Roger, Eagle. Approach is on.
Check all systems for final approach.
Brakes,
saddle and little dingly bell.
I got a blow-out!
I can't stabilise. I can't hold it.
She's breaking up!
Oh, bugger!
Sanjiv Austin, rickshaw test pilot.
A man barely alive.
We can rebuild him. We have
the power and capability. We don't
have the ideal exchange rate.
Yes, Sanjiv Austin is...
KNOCKING
Oscar. Sanjiv. You rebuilt me. Yeah.
At a cost of six million rupees.
150,000?
Possibly more on the black market.
So I'm faster, better, stronger
than I was before?
Well, no.
What's my first mission?
Sanjiv Austin, your first mission
is to buy some groceries.
I'd like some sugar, please.
I'm afraid we don't have any.
BEEPING
Yes, you do.
Behind you - on the shelf.
How did you see that?
My bionic eye enables me
to see objects.
Wow!
Would you like a...bag?
No, thanks. My bionic arm enables
me to carry small items of shopping.
Sanjiv Austin, you have successfully
completed your first mission.
This tea tastes much better with
sugar. Yeah, but where are those
plastic stirrers we used t
You're standing on them.
They're under my feet?
No, we made your legs out of them.
CRACK!
TV ON
Hi, Mum, Dad. Oh, hello.
..Hello, Simon.
Very good, very good. Sit, sit.
So, you two boys been out
chasing girls again tonight?
You can't go on like that for ever.
Think about settling down.
Simon, you should help him -
help him find a nice girl.
Look, Mum, Dad, there is something
we need to talk about.
How can I put it?
You've seen my record collection?
Yes! ..He has hundreds of records.
They're all by Judy Garland.
No, no. Also you have
Shirley Bassey, Gloria Gaynor...
Village People.Village People.
Yes! Do you see what I'm saying?
BOTH: Er...no.
Isn't it odd I never brought any
girls home? You are a good boy.
I've never had any girlfriends.
You're waiting for the right girl.
No, I ain't waiting for any girl.
There is no rush. You are very busy.
Look, we live together.
Fun, isn't it? I used to live
with 400 other men in the army.
No, no, no. Me and Simon
sleep together, all right?
Morecambe and Wise slept together.
Laurel and Hardy. Comic teams.
OK, I'm gay, OK? And so am I.
What - both of you?
Oh, my God!
My son is a lesbian!
Go to your room and don't come back
until you're not of the gay!
Simon is my life partner.
We're madly in love. We enjoy
a full physical relationship.
Mum! Dad! Don't get upset!
You'll get used to it.
I'm still the same person.
But Simon...
You couldn't have found
a nice Indian boy?
APPLAUSE
Excuse me, this cheese...
Yes, madam?
I can make it at home for nothing.
No! What did you do that for?
Hello, sweetie. ..Hello!
Batchi!
Now, kids,
I've got a surprise for you.
What is it? You know how
you're always on about a pet.
Yes! Well, I got one! Eeeee!
A dog? A dog?
No, dogs are very dirty.
They smell, they leave
their hair all over the place,
they do their toilet on the carpet.
Hindus don't keep dogs. A cat?
No, cats are also very dirty animals.
They do their toilet on a tray
in the kitchen.
Come with me. Close your eyes.
Close, close.
Come on, come on.
..Sweetheart, come on.
Keep your eyes closed.
Don't open. Don't open.
Step, step, step! Come on, darling.
OK...and open!
Kids, it's little Daisy!
It's a cow.
Actually, she's a mad cow. She was
going to be killed by the barbarian
westerners, but I saved he
Dad... I know what you're going
to say, but cows are very clean.
They do their toile
They give milk, till the land,
they're loyal. Stroke her.
I don't want a cow. Don't want one.
Shut up! Come and play with the cow.
..Fetch!
Get this cow off my doorstep.
Get the stick. She'll fetch it.
No, she won't. All she
Eugh!
Apart from that!
OK, as responsible pet owners, let's
put that in a bag and throw it away.
I'm going in. No way! No way!
Help me with this shit!
MUSIC: "The Size Of A Cow"
by the Wonder Stuff
Heel! Heel! Stop!
OK?
Come on, everybody,
only four miles to home.
Help me!
It's running away.
Easy! Easy!
What have we got there? 60-year-old
female collapsed with chest pains.
Have you got
Here. 20mg of atropine
and 5mg of diamorphine. BP's 80/50.
Oxygen. She's coming round.
You're in hospital. We have
to perform a bypass operation.
No. I can perform bypass operation
at home.
All I need is a piece of artery, a
sharp knife and a small aubergine.
Oh... I'm sure you'll love it. I'll
just get your receipt. Thank you.
A-hem. >
Uncle!
Raju, Sangeeta, how are you?
Good to see you. How are you?
Good. You buying holiday?
Yes, we're going away.
Why not come to me? You're not a
travel agent. You'd get it cheaper.
We've booked already. Don't worry.
We've got the tickets.
Very good. Uncle... Never too late.
Please... Don't insult me.
He's gone... Don
You leave everything to me.
Raju, go to the airport.
Tell them you are Mr Makhija -
64 years old, travelling to Delhi.
We want to go to Tenerife. ..Two
weeks later, you go to the airport.
Tell them you ar
64, travelling to Calcutta.
But he'll be in Delhi. No, I won't.
He's arranged... You want cheap
holiday? I will get for you.
No, we want a nice holiday -
together.
It's better to go separately.
We have to go together.
Don't worry. We have to go together
because I'm ovulating
and we're trying for a bab
There! You happy now?
You want baby?
Why didn't you come to me?
I can get you much cheaper.
INTRO TO "I Know Him So Well"
¦ Bunty is the man
that I've been waiting for
¦ I met him
through my cousin's brother's son
¦ And after just one date
in Pizza Hut
¦ I knew that for me he was the one
¦ Bunty's been my lover now
for six long years
¦ I'm the English girl
he never takes outside
¦ And now I hear
his mother's chosen him...
¦ A village virgin
for his brand-new bride
¦ Isn't he good? Lying git!
¦ Isn't he fine? What a big shit!
¦ Isn't it crazy?
He will... Won't... Be mine
¦ But in the end he needs someone
who is just like me
He needs security
¦ He used me
just to practise shagging on
¦ I know him too well
¦ I love the way he smiles at me
so tenderly
¦ I won't miss his skid marks
or his smelly breath
¦ He must be clever
He's a pharmacist
¦ His brainless chatter
bored me half to death
¦ I wonder
if he's had a lot of girlfriends
¦ I wonder
if the poor cow knows the score
¦ But I'll forgive him -
he's my husband soon
¦ I'd like to nail his scrotum
to the floor
¦ What a dickhead!
And who are you?
¦ I wish he was dead!
This can't be true
¦ He lied to me
And he can lie to you
¦ But in the end,
he needs a little bit more than me,
more than a goree...
¦ He told me that I was the only one
¦ I know him too well...
Well, you've got 50 years
to change him
¦ I know him too well. ¦
If you wanted money, you should
have come to me. No... No problem.
I can get you much cheaper. Fine...
So sweet!
You don't worry! Don't insult me!
It's OK. Don't insult me.
Don't worry!
Hi, thanks for coming. Hello.
Did you get a chance to look at
the script? Yes. Great. Sit down.
Thanks.
OK, now, as you know,
your character is an Indian girl
who was beaten up by her father
and six brothers for
She's ended up as a drug-abusing
prostitute, living on the streets
and having to fend
It's set in Glasgow, so what
I'm looking for is broad Scottish
with just a trace of I
Right. I'll try.
That's great.
I'll read in Keith -
that's her pimp -
if you would read in Nazneen...
Nazneen Suleman. Nazneen Suleman.
Sorry. That's all right.
Right, let's give it a whirl.
So, you little bitch! Thought you
could get away with ripping me off!
No-one does tha
Oh...
That's great. Thanks very much.
You've embarrassed me enough
already. Put it in the garden. OK.
Oh, my God!
What's happened? We've been burgled.
I thought the windows and doors
were locked.
How did they get in, then?
Maybe through the cow flap.
I mean, we're normally so careful...
Did you say COW flap?
Cow flap.
Like a cat flap?
Yes. For a cow.
Large enough for a cow.
Obviously.
And smaller things.
Like TVs, fridges, videos...
The average size of a cow...
Of all the stupid...!
What possessed you
to put in a bloody cow flap?
I thought it would be easier for
the cow if she could come and go.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Why have I got such a budoo
for a husband? You'll upset Daisy.
She's upset already.
DAISY CLUCKS
Oh, my God!
What's keeping them? We're lucky to
have got a kidney at all. Let's go.
Don't touch that!
Hey, Beta!
Hello, Uncle. If you wanted a
kidney, why didn't you come to me?
I could've got you much cheaper.
We're very busy, please...
Ah...ah...ah...
You're very kind, but...
Don't insult me. Don't worry!
Leave it to me.
Oh... Rubbish!
Don't worry!
This is fierce, man!
I can't believe you got tickets
for the Oprah Winfrey Show!
I didn't even know she was in
the country. My uncle works in TV.
Massive, man! What channel?
All of them. Eh? He's a repairman.
I love Oprah, man! When I grow up
I wanna be like Oprah!
Yeah!
An overweight, middle-aged black
woman? No! Rich and successful...
A TV mogul. She's the richest woman
in the world, man! That is because
chat shows a
Do you know why? Is it because of
the angst caused by the dissolution
of the common
No, you bendu!
It is because a problem aired
is a problem shared.
People got problems
they wanna chat about, innit?
You mean like the... Rasmalai!
Everyone.
So what's your problem, man?
I ain't got one! What's yours?
I ain't got a problem! Calm down!
You calm down! You calm down!
Shhhh.
See? Now we've aired our problems,
innit?
..I feel better already.
Oprah can do that. Make
the audience relate to each other.
That's why she's the best.
Better than Ricki Lake? Easy.
Better than Montel? No problem.
Esther?
Even Esther, man!
Who do you think would win
in a fight? What a stupid question!
I just wondered...
Oprah would kick their butts!
Cos she's the best! Yeah! Yeah!
Have you ever wondered why there's
no Asian talk show host? No. But
it's a good ques
it wouldn't work. Why not?
Imagine it.
"Tonight - women who run off with
their husband's sister's husbands.
"Here's your host - Auntie Prem!"
Auntie comes on. First thing
she does? Give everyone a thapaar!
Then she says, "Total bestie! You
shameless women! Out my studio!"
End of show. Credits.
Leave it to Oprah.
APPLAUSE
Here she is.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Man, she look different from the TV,
innit?
W-W-W-W-What you mean? Thinner?
No, man, whiter.
SOPRANA BELTS OUT AN ARIA
Man, are you sure
these are Oprah tickets?
Innit!
ORGAN PLAYS
If you wanted a funeral,
you should've come to me.
It's not too late.
You don't worry about a thing.
Hi, Magenta Devine here.
Welcome to another of India's
favourite travel show Back Packs.
The show where I follow the
travellers leaving the rat race
in search of passion, adventure
and spiritual awakening.
In this week's show, we have a group
of Delhi students who've taken
a year off to travel round th
Hi!
Here we are in England.
Already we're experiencing
major differences in culture.
You never know how long
you have to wait for a train.
Some journeys can take days.
The pace of life here
is much slower.
More relaxed? No, just slower.
What is the most famous garden
in the world?
Yes, London's famous Covent Garden.
You've been here a few days.
How are you getting on?
Oh, it's fab.
Love it!
Me too. Apart from the beggars.
I mean, people did warn us that
begging in England was pretty bad,
but we never expected
anything like this.
You feel you ought to help. There's
so many of them. If you give to
one, you have to
Eeeek!
Here we are - the local bazaar,
where your ordinary housewife comes
and does her shopping.
The food is very different
to what we're used to.
Don't buy from street vendors.
Avoid the meat completely.
It's really poor quality.
You have to use bottled water.
It's the same throughout Europe.
The girls have been shopping.
How are you doing, ladies?
I think we're doing OK.
Try not to look like a tourist
or they try and rip you off.
Look at this! I must have one!
Let me handle it. OK.
SLOWLY:
Excuse me! How much is this?
It's 30 pence, love.
Oh, don't charge us tourist prices.
How much would you charge a local?
It's 30p. He's trying it on. ..I'll
give you 20p. That's all we've got.
The Evening Standard's 30p.
So quiet, tranquil...
spiritual...
I think there's something
almost religious about these places.
I gather that you've undergone
a bit of a conversion.
Yes. I've become C of E.
I know what you're thinking,
but it's more than a religion -
it's a way of life.
What advice would you give
other travellers doing the UK?
Get your jabs done.
I've had a runny nose since Day 1.
You can't come to England
and not expect to get the flu.
I would warn women about the men.
Oh, definitely.
Their attitude is really bad.
Everywhere, they just stare at us.
I think they assume we're some sort
of Kamasutra Asian Babes.
Perhaps they're not used to
foreigners? We tried to blend in.
In the last few weeks, you've been
all over the UK. What have been
the highlights of your visit?
Stratford-upon-Avon
was my favourite.
What about Oxford? I loved Oxford.
Yes, but to see the real England,
you have to go to the villages.
I spent a week travelling around
Surrey. It was a different world.
I found a small village called
Guildford. There are people there
who've never seen a
Here we are. It's our last day
and we're going to the airport.
I'm not coming back with you.
I feel this is my spiritual home.
In what way? I met a group of
travellers who came in the '60s.
They formed their own community.
I'll stay with them. But will you
be happy? Just
Who wouldn't be happy here?
There's no university pressures
or looking for a good job
No parents. It's like paradise.
Subtitles by Martin Maguire
BBC Scotland 1998
What are you cooking for us today?
Foie gras, chilli con carne,
beef Wellington,
lobster thermidor, pizza,
baked Alaska, truffles and cheese.
That sounds fantastic.
Can we look at your ingredients?
Goodness gracious me!