Goodness Gracious Me (1998–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
APPLAUSE
I call this meeting
of Delhi Electronics to order.
We have a new man starting today.
A new man joining the team.
He is from England,
so let's be gentle with him.
His name is...um...
..J-J...J...
It's Jonathan. ..Junnuthan.
No... Sorry - it's Jonathan.
Yes...Janalayan.
No, no - Jonathan.
Jantawalla!
Jammu and Kashmir?!
I don't know - you English,
with your complicated names!
It's not complicated.
There's only three syllables.
Listen - Jo...
ALL: Jo.
..Na...
Na.
..Than.
Than.
Jonathan.
Jalawaya!
Haven't you got a short version -
Juna? No, it's Jonathan.
Jaggee.
Jonathan.
Muna. JONATHAN!
No need to get angry yar.
You're not in jolly England
any more, sipping tea
and doing the morrising dancing.
Why make everyone's life difficult
by giving yourself a silly,
hard-to-pronounce, for
All I'm saying is that my name's
not Jinuthan or Jandalayan
or Bunty or anything like that.
It is Jonathan.
It's quite straightforward.
It's just Jonathan.
OK, have it your way. But I don't
see you progressing very far
in this firm with a na
What do you mean? People might
think you're a troublemaker if you
keep your long-win
So, everyone, may I introduce...
Joginderpal Shivarama
Guruattimurthy.
Thank you.
Why don't we skip dessert
and get out of here?
Why? What have you got in mind?
Nothing.
It's just you're already quite fat.
Cheque, please.
What's the matter? You seem troubled.
Well, we're Sikhs, right? Mmm.
But what does that mean?
To BE a Sikh? How do I fit into the
hundreds of years of culture? How
do I apply th
Calm down.
It's very simple. Listen carefully.
You are a man, hmm?
You have a turban.
So you are a Sikh man.
Is that it? What about metaphysics
and ethics and philosophy?
Bupinder! Yes, Dolly, what is it?
He wants to know
what it means to be a Sikh.
You told him - man, pug, pug, man?
He wants more. More?
Listen to me, boy!
You got pug, you got man.
You put pug on man - Sikh!
Isn't there anything more? Look...
You have cup, you have saucer.
You have cup of tea.
Pug on man, you got Sikh.
Oh!
And that thing you do
with your hands...
very bad.
Good evening.
Welcome to the Albert Hall,
where we are privileged to witness
the first foreign concert
of the Calcutta Male Voice Choir.
The vocal techniques may sound odd,
but they evolved
over thousands of years.
And the conductor has taken
his position on the podium.
I understand that the choir
will be opening their programme
with their own unique version
of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
THEY COUGH,
TO THE TEMPO OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH
THEY SPIT
APPLAUSE
DRUM 'N' BASS TRACK
This club is massive, man.
Yeah, man. And it's
a fierce place to pick up...
BOTH: The rasmalai!
That's why I'm meeting Bindya here.
Bindya?
What happened to Juggy, man?
I ditched him. That geezer
is no longer in our crew.
Whoa!
So, who's in our crew, man? We are!
Cool!
But Juggy was our friend, man.
I've been thinking about our image
and he does not fit the picture.
He is total basti, man,
whereas we are cool. Cool.
What new image, man?
I've been listening
to that new Britpop leader -
Tony Blur.
He changed his image,
now he's Top Of The Pops, innit?
He's got a wicked, wicked, wicked
vibe, man!
We gotta redefine ourselves,
in order to attract middle ground...
Rasmalai!
..who previously did not trust
our policies, innit?
But it's tough on Juggy, innit?
That is the new us -
tough on Juggy! Whoa!
Tough on the causes of Juggy! Yeah!
But it sounds like we're abandoning
our traditional values, man.
Sitting with a bag of mixed pakoras,
listening to your one CD?!
Yeah.
You can keep those values, man.
Bhangramuffins deserve better.
The women will be all over us, man!
We'll be up to our necks
in a rasmalai landslide!
We'll experience a magic swing
to the left.
This sounds dangerous, man,
dangerous!
New Muffins, new danger.
Look, there's Bindya, man.
Check out the new image in action.
So, Bindya...
Whoa, Juggy...!
Juggy...!
It's back to my place, innit? Pick
up some mixed pakoras on the way.
INNIT?
I think it's just so great
that you're a doctor.
Cos I've got this rash...
Cheque, please.
HE SIGHS
What's the matter, son?
You look worried.
Dad, we're Hindus, right?
Correct.
And Hinduism goes back
thousands of years, right?
It stems from one of the earliest
civilisations on Earth, right?
Its religious texts are some
of the most complex discussions of
the human conditio
Right.
But what does it mean?
What does it really mean?
Ah, my son. You're indeed right.
It is a very complex and intricate
religion.
There are many gods and many texts.
But they all point
to one universal principle.
No beef.
What?
The non-believer says,
"Cheeseburger?" The believer says,
"No thanks." But, Dad...
"Tripe and onions?" "No!" Dad... And
that thing you do with your hands...
Very bad.
Miaow, pussycats!
It's Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten,
clawing through
the showbiz litter tray
to find you hot gossip to chew over
in the comfort of your living room.
Right, guess who's been invited
to the fabulous new premiere
of the latest Hollywood blockbuster?
Yes, me. That's right.
Everyone who's anyone will be there.
Brad, Kevin, Keanu...Brad...
and anyone who's not anyone
will just have to watch me mingle
with all the top cats.
It's showtime, pussycats. Miaow!
Sorry. We open at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning.
Oh, look!
There's the gorgeous Art Malik.
SCRATCHY SOUNDTRACK:
'Moviegoers! After tonight's feature,
'we offer you the authentic taste
of England, right here in India.
'Let our chef delight you
with traditional dishes, including
potatoes, chicken and peas!
'Just round the corner
from this cinema.'
LOUD BURP
Bombay is the restaurant capital
of India, so how come
every Friday night we end up h
Because that's what you do -
you go out, get tanked up on lassis,
then go for an English.
It's not Friday
if we don't go for an English!
Anyway, I love English food.
You just fancy the waiters, innit?
Hello.
All right, mate?!
We're ready to order now.
BURP!
Sir is feeling unwell?
Oh don't worry, he's never sick.
What's your problem? We come here
every week. You should be grateful!
Leave it. He's a mate.
COCKNEY ACCENT: You're my mate,
ain't you, Jam-es?
Jam-es is my mate.
It's James.
Jams. That's what I said, damn it!
Hasn't he got lovely pale skin?
Nice and pasty.
But you know what they say
about white men...
What are we having?
Jams! First off, we'll have 10... 12.
..12 bread rolls.
And bring some of that fancy stuff...
Butter.
Butter, yeah.
OK...
Main course.
What's the blandest thing
on the menu?
Scampi is particularly bland, sir.
I'll have that.
And bring a fork and knife!
I'll have the same as him. No!
Except I'm also going to have...
prawn cocktail.
You'll regret that in the morning!
Gammon steak, please.
Jams...
Give him the gammon,
but leave off all your crap.
No pineapple rings -
not in his condition.
I'll have the gammon,
but crap on the side, OK?
Nina? >
Um, could I just have
the chicken curry, please?
AW! What?
You've got to have
something English.
I don't like anything too bland.
Have something a bit bland. Jam-es,
what's not totally tasteless?
The steak and kidney pie
is only a little bit...
Steak and kidney pee, huh?
Have that.
But I won't go
to the toilet for a week!
Nina, that's the point
of going for an English.
What are you going to have?
Either the steak and kidney pee
or the cod mornay.
You have the cod, I'll have the pee
and we'll share.
Actually, I think that's how you're
meant to eat this sort of food.
OK. Two scampis, two gammon -
one with the crap on the side -
one cod mornay, steak and kidley pee
and chips...? Cha?
Twenty-four plates of chips.
You might have ordered too much, sir.
What? Hey! Clive of India!
Who asked you, eh?
Just bring us the bloody food
or I'll do a moonie!
So you must all be models, right?
What makes you say that?
Well, you're all pretty thick.
Cheque, please.
SITAR MUSIC
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to this first symposium
on the Higher Consciousness,
transcendental tantric karmic...
this thing.
PING!
Tonight's lecture will be delivered
by His Most Serene Calmness,
the Guru Maharishi Yogi...
which is me! Hello!
Now, many people in the West think
that in my country - India -
because of our religions,
our history,
because of I don't know what...
that we are more in tune
with our spirituality, more at one
with the forces of Nature.
Well, we are!
So well done all those people
who said that.
One of the ways in which we gurus
like to express our spirituality
is in the form
of ancient Sanskrit Rags.
These are similar
to your Christian hymns
but they're more catchy tunes,
with more "ch-pow".
Tonight's recitation will be the
story of The Demon And The Mongoose,
which tells of the dilemma of a man
who has committed a terrible crime.
I will translate from the original
Sanskrit as we go along.
PING!
¦ Arta baningram ba baja-u...¦
Unable to face his friends, the man
is telling his mother of his crime.
¦ Devis fatum-m-m...
¦ Brushed latrine na-jatum-m-m...¦
PING!
Now, it seems what has happened
is that he has shot a man
in the head, from very close range.
The text does not specify the make
or calibre of the type of pistol,
but I would interpret
that it is a small gun,
possible a .22
or a Saturday night special.
Now, for the first time,
the text quotes the actual words
spoken by the man to his mother.
¦ Gavaskar Sunil na Botham
¦ Chunderinma Batman in Gotham...¦
Translated this is meaning,
"Mama, I just killed a man.
"Put a gun against his head,
pulled my trigger,
now he's dead.
"Mama, his life had only just begun
"Now I've gone
and blown it all away."
¦ Galileo, Galileo...¦
RP ACCENTS:
Darling, this is goodbye, unless...
Don't say it, my darling.
Don't utter another word.
You could change your mind.
It was never meant to be.
Just a brief sojourn
at romance's summer cottage.
< RAUCOUS SHOUTS
Fancy a cup of tea, sahib?
No, thank you.
Please, come with me, darling.
We could live elsewhere, where
we wouldn't be dogged b
I've got biscuit! No, I told you.
Why, darling? Why, why?
How can I explain?
I have...responsibilities.
You and I. There is no-one else.
ANOTHER VENDOR SHOUTS
Do you mind awfully?
How many do you want? None.
Don't change your mind. We never
wanted any. You stopped me.
You were shouting in my ear.
Sorry(!)
Look, here's a 20. Now, shove off.
I've got my dignity too, you know.
He's gone.
Now, what is it you could never do?
Oh, what's the use?
Allow me to bear my sorrows alone,
whilst you...move on, like a bird,
to sunnier climes.
TOOT!
Novelty trumpets
and a balloon that makes a rude
yet entertaining sound.
PHTTT!
I can't bear it! I'm losing my mind.
How about the mini-dholki?
Annas for a blind man.
I must go! Leave me to my memories.
I have no limbs. Darling, you...
Of course you have limbs!
You're walking and carrying a stick.
How should I know? I'm blind!
Darling, you haven't told me why.
Ready for a cuppa now?
I couldn't bear...
MORE SHOUTS
Shut up!
TRAIN WHISTLE
My train!
Is this your carriage?
Yes. I'm up on the roof.
I'll give you a leg-up.
Goodbye, my darling.
I'll never forget you.
Goodbye!
You look like you could do
with a cup of tea, madam.
..Yes. Thanks.
Dad? Yes?
You know we're Muslims, right?
Ye-es.
Just checking(!) And I know
that thing you do with your hands
is really bad.
O-o-oh.
Look at your flies! Quick!
Oh! Hello!
Glad you could make it. Come on in!
Got held up at the golf course.
What is your handicap these days?
Still putting, I'm afraid!
Oh! Eccellente!
And this must be your wife, Veena.
Actually,
I prefer to be called Vanessa.
You didn't tell me
you had such a lovely wife, Surjit.
Still got the old charm,
you silver-tongued devil!
Incidentally, not Surjit -
it's St John.
At last,
I get to meet the lovely Mrs Kapoor.
Pronounced "Cooper".
Of course. Well, Shashi - Dinesh
has told me so much about you.
Actually, it's Charlotte. Dennis.
Please do pursue me
through into the parlour.
Pursue...
What a lovely home you have.
Well, an Englishman's home
is his castle, Dennis.
I know that.
So, what can I get you both
to drink?
I'd love a gin and tonic, thanks.
Me too.
St John, is that
Indian tonic water? Yes, it is.
Make it two Scotches and a soda.
Seen the cricket? Oh, shocking!
We haven't been playing well at all.
The cricketing world sees us
as a developing nation.
Of course they do. But the Indians
have been playing very well.
Well, we wouldn't know
about the INDIAN team.
Uh... A-Anyway,
I am more of a rugger man, myself.
Give me an oval ball any day!
..Why?
To play rugger with.
I knew that! I knew that.
So, Vanessa! I hear you're
rather a whizz in the kitchen.
Is that one of your famous...
curries I smell cooking?
No, it's roast lamb, roast potatoes,
roast vegetables and roast gravy.
Oh, traditional food!
How's that son of yours doing?
Subash, isn't it?
Sebastian!
He's spending some time abroad.
He's taken some time off
to go to India...
Why India, of all places?
He's gone to find his roots.
You know what youngsters are like!
He says we've lost our cultural
identity living in Chigwell.
Rubbish!
CRASH!
HINDI EXPLETIVE
Pardon?
Oh, my God!
It's...um, it's a brick.
There's a message tied to it.
It says, "Pakis go home."
ALL: Oh, quite right!
Thank you.
Hey, you like seafood -
am I right?
Yes!
I could tell
as soon as I picked you up. Oh?
Cos you smell of fish, innit?
Cheque, please!
HEAVY RAP BEAT
¦ Cuss when you're carnal
¦ Leave out the drama
¦ Just concentrate,
work on your karma
¦ Dur phite mou
¦ Tell you what you can
and cannot do
¦ If your auntie says, "Can't he
¦ "Hurry up and settle down
and make some money?"
¦ And your uncle says
¦ Do your studies
¦ We say, "Uncle,
¦ "Kiss my chuddies"
¦ We don't get vexed
by old Buddhist hex
¦ We got nothing
'gainst the opposite sex
¦ We try to and we fail to
¦ Flirt with a skirt
till they kick us where it hurts
¦ But we don't care,
cos we're a right pair
¦ We're street, we're safe
and we don't scare
¦ And even though
we're bruised and bloody
¦ We just say, "Kiss my chuddies"
¦ Yeah
¦ Work your bhodi
Work, work your bhodi
¦ It's a she and she's a fun Barbie
¦ Walk like a Punjabi
¦ People scare, need a change
¦ Start right here,
my pants have gone strange
¦ I'm no Khan, Smith,
Patel or a Singh
¦ Don't want to spend my life being
..this thing. ¦
¦ Ah-h-h-h-h... ¦
¦ In matters of the heart,
don't be hasty
¦ Just chill -
She'll think that you're tasty
¦ But if you get a girl
who's not chast-e
¦ She'll diss you good
and that's total basti
¦ Muffins in the house
¦ Lock up your daughters
¦ Ready to pounce
¦ Just like we oughta
¦ Massive funky geezers
¦ We take your biscuit
¦ Don't give a Rhesus
¦ Cha, man! Wicked!
¦ Mixed pakoras,
babes gagging for us
¦ Test and tosterone
More than the chorus
¦ That's what them like
¦ Act all shy
¦ Taks your cash and then say,
"Bye!"
¦ No pleasin', just teasin'
¦ Unless you're really brave,
don't seize 'em
¦ And if they look like a Teletubby
¦ Just say, "Hey!
Go kiss my chuddy"
¦ Over-achieving,
deep heavy breathing
¦ We think taking
is better than receiving
¦ Cool like the cat
¦ Check out the act
¦ A spoonful of goodness
in a bucketful of tat
¦ And we don't drink
¦ And we don't smoke
¦ If we do we get a thapaar
from the old folk
¦ Even though
they're black belt fuddy-duddies
¦ We just mime
Kiss my chuddies! ¦
Subtitles by Mairi Macleod
BBC Scotland - 1998
DOORBELL
Hello?
Hello! I'd like to talk to you
about Krishna.
Oh, yes?
Ever thought of becoming a Hindu?
Actually, I've always wanted to.
Well, you can't. Sorry!
Have a nice day.
Goodness gracious me!
I call this meeting
of Delhi Electronics to order.
We have a new man starting today.
A new man joining the team.
He is from England,
so let's be gentle with him.
His name is...um...
..J-J...J...
It's Jonathan. ..Junnuthan.
No... Sorry - it's Jonathan.
Yes...Janalayan.
No, no - Jonathan.
Jantawalla!
Jammu and Kashmir?!
I don't know - you English,
with your complicated names!
It's not complicated.
There's only three syllables.
Listen - Jo...
ALL: Jo.
..Na...
Na.
..Than.
Than.
Jonathan.
Jalawaya!
Haven't you got a short version -
Juna? No, it's Jonathan.
Jaggee.
Jonathan.
Muna. JONATHAN!
No need to get angry yar.
You're not in jolly England
any more, sipping tea
and doing the morrising dancing.
Why make everyone's life difficult
by giving yourself a silly,
hard-to-pronounce, for
All I'm saying is that my name's
not Jinuthan or Jandalayan
or Bunty or anything like that.
It is Jonathan.
It's quite straightforward.
It's just Jonathan.
OK, have it your way. But I don't
see you progressing very far
in this firm with a na
What do you mean? People might
think you're a troublemaker if you
keep your long-win
So, everyone, may I introduce...
Joginderpal Shivarama
Guruattimurthy.
Thank you.
Why don't we skip dessert
and get out of here?
Why? What have you got in mind?
Nothing.
It's just you're already quite fat.
Cheque, please.
What's the matter? You seem troubled.
Well, we're Sikhs, right? Mmm.
But what does that mean?
To BE a Sikh? How do I fit into the
hundreds of years of culture? How
do I apply th
Calm down.
It's very simple. Listen carefully.
You are a man, hmm?
You have a turban.
So you are a Sikh man.
Is that it? What about metaphysics
and ethics and philosophy?
Bupinder! Yes, Dolly, what is it?
He wants to know
what it means to be a Sikh.
You told him - man, pug, pug, man?
He wants more. More?
Listen to me, boy!
You got pug, you got man.
You put pug on man - Sikh!
Isn't there anything more? Look...
You have cup, you have saucer.
You have cup of tea.
Pug on man, you got Sikh.
Oh!
And that thing you do
with your hands...
very bad.
Good evening.
Welcome to the Albert Hall,
where we are privileged to witness
the first foreign concert
of the Calcutta Male Voice Choir.
The vocal techniques may sound odd,
but they evolved
over thousands of years.
And the conductor has taken
his position on the podium.
I understand that the choir
will be opening their programme
with their own unique version
of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
THEY COUGH,
TO THE TEMPO OF BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH
THEY SPIT
APPLAUSE
DRUM 'N' BASS TRACK
This club is massive, man.
Yeah, man. And it's
a fierce place to pick up...
BOTH: The rasmalai!
That's why I'm meeting Bindya here.
Bindya?
What happened to Juggy, man?
I ditched him. That geezer
is no longer in our crew.
Whoa!
So, who's in our crew, man? We are!
Cool!
But Juggy was our friend, man.
I've been thinking about our image
and he does not fit the picture.
He is total basti, man,
whereas we are cool. Cool.
What new image, man?
I've been listening
to that new Britpop leader -
Tony Blur.
He changed his image,
now he's Top Of The Pops, innit?
He's got a wicked, wicked, wicked
vibe, man!
We gotta redefine ourselves,
in order to attract middle ground...
Rasmalai!
..who previously did not trust
our policies, innit?
But it's tough on Juggy, innit?
That is the new us -
tough on Juggy! Whoa!
Tough on the causes of Juggy! Yeah!
But it sounds like we're abandoning
our traditional values, man.
Sitting with a bag of mixed pakoras,
listening to your one CD?!
Yeah.
You can keep those values, man.
Bhangramuffins deserve better.
The women will be all over us, man!
We'll be up to our necks
in a rasmalai landslide!
We'll experience a magic swing
to the left.
This sounds dangerous, man,
dangerous!
New Muffins, new danger.
Look, there's Bindya, man.
Check out the new image in action.
So, Bindya...
Whoa, Juggy...!
Juggy...!
It's back to my place, innit? Pick
up some mixed pakoras on the way.
INNIT?
I think it's just so great
that you're a doctor.
Cos I've got this rash...
Cheque, please.
HE SIGHS
What's the matter, son?
You look worried.
Dad, we're Hindus, right?
Correct.
And Hinduism goes back
thousands of years, right?
It stems from one of the earliest
civilisations on Earth, right?
Its religious texts are some
of the most complex discussions of
the human conditio
Right.
But what does it mean?
What does it really mean?
Ah, my son. You're indeed right.
It is a very complex and intricate
religion.
There are many gods and many texts.
But they all point
to one universal principle.
No beef.
What?
The non-believer says,
"Cheeseburger?" The believer says,
"No thanks." But, Dad...
"Tripe and onions?" "No!" Dad... And
that thing you do with your hands...
Very bad.
Miaow, pussycats!
It's Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten,
clawing through
the showbiz litter tray
to find you hot gossip to chew over
in the comfort of your living room.
Right, guess who's been invited
to the fabulous new premiere
of the latest Hollywood blockbuster?
Yes, me. That's right.
Everyone who's anyone will be there.
Brad, Kevin, Keanu...Brad...
and anyone who's not anyone
will just have to watch me mingle
with all the top cats.
It's showtime, pussycats. Miaow!
Sorry. We open at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning.
Oh, look!
There's the gorgeous Art Malik.
SCRATCHY SOUNDTRACK:
'Moviegoers! After tonight's feature,
'we offer you the authentic taste
of England, right here in India.
'Let our chef delight you
with traditional dishes, including
potatoes, chicken and peas!
'Just round the corner
from this cinema.'
LOUD BURP
Bombay is the restaurant capital
of India, so how come
every Friday night we end up h
Because that's what you do -
you go out, get tanked up on lassis,
then go for an English.
It's not Friday
if we don't go for an English!
Anyway, I love English food.
You just fancy the waiters, innit?
Hello.
All right, mate?!
We're ready to order now.
BURP!
Sir is feeling unwell?
Oh don't worry, he's never sick.
What's your problem? We come here
every week. You should be grateful!
Leave it. He's a mate.
COCKNEY ACCENT: You're my mate,
ain't you, Jam-es?
Jam-es is my mate.
It's James.
Jams. That's what I said, damn it!
Hasn't he got lovely pale skin?
Nice and pasty.
But you know what they say
about white men...
What are we having?
Jams! First off, we'll have 10... 12.
..12 bread rolls.
And bring some of that fancy stuff...
Butter.
Butter, yeah.
OK...
Main course.
What's the blandest thing
on the menu?
Scampi is particularly bland, sir.
I'll have that.
And bring a fork and knife!
I'll have the same as him. No!
Except I'm also going to have...
prawn cocktail.
You'll regret that in the morning!
Gammon steak, please.
Jams...
Give him the gammon,
but leave off all your crap.
No pineapple rings -
not in his condition.
I'll have the gammon,
but crap on the side, OK?
Nina? >
Um, could I just have
the chicken curry, please?
AW! What?
You've got to have
something English.
I don't like anything too bland.
Have something a bit bland. Jam-es,
what's not totally tasteless?
The steak and kidney pie
is only a little bit...
Steak and kidney pee, huh?
Have that.
But I won't go
to the toilet for a week!
Nina, that's the point
of going for an English.
What are you going to have?
Either the steak and kidney pee
or the cod mornay.
You have the cod, I'll have the pee
and we'll share.
Actually, I think that's how you're
meant to eat this sort of food.
OK. Two scampis, two gammon -
one with the crap on the side -
one cod mornay, steak and kidley pee
and chips...? Cha?
Twenty-four plates of chips.
You might have ordered too much, sir.
What? Hey! Clive of India!
Who asked you, eh?
Just bring us the bloody food
or I'll do a moonie!
So you must all be models, right?
What makes you say that?
Well, you're all pretty thick.
Cheque, please.
SITAR MUSIC
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
and welcome to this first symposium
on the Higher Consciousness,
transcendental tantric karmic...
this thing.
PING!
Tonight's lecture will be delivered
by His Most Serene Calmness,
the Guru Maharishi Yogi...
which is me! Hello!
Now, many people in the West think
that in my country - India -
because of our religions,
our history,
because of I don't know what...
that we are more in tune
with our spirituality, more at one
with the forces of Nature.
Well, we are!
So well done all those people
who said that.
One of the ways in which we gurus
like to express our spirituality
is in the form
of ancient Sanskrit Rags.
These are similar
to your Christian hymns
but they're more catchy tunes,
with more "ch-pow".
Tonight's recitation will be the
story of The Demon And The Mongoose,
which tells of the dilemma of a man
who has committed a terrible crime.
I will translate from the original
Sanskrit as we go along.
PING!
¦ Arta baningram ba baja-u...¦
Unable to face his friends, the man
is telling his mother of his crime.
¦ Devis fatum-m-m...
¦ Brushed latrine na-jatum-m-m...¦
PING!
Now, it seems what has happened
is that he has shot a man
in the head, from very close range.
The text does not specify the make
or calibre of the type of pistol,
but I would interpret
that it is a small gun,
possible a .22
or a Saturday night special.
Now, for the first time,
the text quotes the actual words
spoken by the man to his mother.
¦ Gavaskar Sunil na Botham
¦ Chunderinma Batman in Gotham...¦
Translated this is meaning,
"Mama, I just killed a man.
"Put a gun against his head,
pulled my trigger,
now he's dead.
"Mama, his life had only just begun
"Now I've gone
and blown it all away."
¦ Galileo, Galileo...¦
RP ACCENTS:
Darling, this is goodbye, unless...
Don't say it, my darling.
Don't utter another word.
You could change your mind.
It was never meant to be.
Just a brief sojourn
at romance's summer cottage.
< RAUCOUS SHOUTS
Fancy a cup of tea, sahib?
No, thank you.
Please, come with me, darling.
We could live elsewhere, where
we wouldn't be dogged b
I've got biscuit! No, I told you.
Why, darling? Why, why?
How can I explain?
I have...responsibilities.
You and I. There is no-one else.
ANOTHER VENDOR SHOUTS
Do you mind awfully?
How many do you want? None.
Don't change your mind. We never
wanted any. You stopped me.
You were shouting in my ear.
Sorry(!)
Look, here's a 20. Now, shove off.
I've got my dignity too, you know.
He's gone.
Now, what is it you could never do?
Oh, what's the use?
Allow me to bear my sorrows alone,
whilst you...move on, like a bird,
to sunnier climes.
TOOT!
Novelty trumpets
and a balloon that makes a rude
yet entertaining sound.
PHTTT!
I can't bear it! I'm losing my mind.
How about the mini-dholki?
Annas for a blind man.
I must go! Leave me to my memories.
I have no limbs. Darling, you...
Of course you have limbs!
You're walking and carrying a stick.
How should I know? I'm blind!
Darling, you haven't told me why.
Ready for a cuppa now?
I couldn't bear...
MORE SHOUTS
Shut up!
TRAIN WHISTLE
My train!
Is this your carriage?
Yes. I'm up on the roof.
I'll give you a leg-up.
Goodbye, my darling.
I'll never forget you.
Goodbye!
You look like you could do
with a cup of tea, madam.
..Yes. Thanks.
Dad? Yes?
You know we're Muslims, right?
Ye-es.
Just checking(!) And I know
that thing you do with your hands
is really bad.
O-o-oh.
Look at your flies! Quick!
Oh! Hello!
Glad you could make it. Come on in!
Got held up at the golf course.
What is your handicap these days?
Still putting, I'm afraid!
Oh! Eccellente!
And this must be your wife, Veena.
Actually,
I prefer to be called Vanessa.
You didn't tell me
you had such a lovely wife, Surjit.
Still got the old charm,
you silver-tongued devil!
Incidentally, not Surjit -
it's St John.
At last,
I get to meet the lovely Mrs Kapoor.
Pronounced "Cooper".
Of course. Well, Shashi - Dinesh
has told me so much about you.
Actually, it's Charlotte. Dennis.
Please do pursue me
through into the parlour.
Pursue...
What a lovely home you have.
Well, an Englishman's home
is his castle, Dennis.
I know that.
So, what can I get you both
to drink?
I'd love a gin and tonic, thanks.
Me too.
St John, is that
Indian tonic water? Yes, it is.
Make it two Scotches and a soda.
Seen the cricket? Oh, shocking!
We haven't been playing well at all.
The cricketing world sees us
as a developing nation.
Of course they do. But the Indians
have been playing very well.
Well, we wouldn't know
about the INDIAN team.
Uh... A-Anyway,
I am more of a rugger man, myself.
Give me an oval ball any day!
..Why?
To play rugger with.
I knew that! I knew that.
So, Vanessa! I hear you're
rather a whizz in the kitchen.
Is that one of your famous...
curries I smell cooking?
No, it's roast lamb, roast potatoes,
roast vegetables and roast gravy.
Oh, traditional food!
How's that son of yours doing?
Subash, isn't it?
Sebastian!
He's spending some time abroad.
He's taken some time off
to go to India...
Why India, of all places?
He's gone to find his roots.
You know what youngsters are like!
He says we've lost our cultural
identity living in Chigwell.
Rubbish!
CRASH!
HINDI EXPLETIVE
Pardon?
Oh, my God!
It's...um, it's a brick.
There's a message tied to it.
It says, "Pakis go home."
ALL: Oh, quite right!
Thank you.
Hey, you like seafood -
am I right?
Yes!
I could tell
as soon as I picked you up. Oh?
Cos you smell of fish, innit?
Cheque, please!
HEAVY RAP BEAT
¦ Cuss when you're carnal
¦ Leave out the drama
¦ Just concentrate,
work on your karma
¦ Dur phite mou
¦ Tell you what you can
and cannot do
¦ If your auntie says, "Can't he
¦ "Hurry up and settle down
and make some money?"
¦ And your uncle says
¦ Do your studies
¦ We say, "Uncle,
¦ "Kiss my chuddies"
¦ We don't get vexed
by old Buddhist hex
¦ We got nothing
'gainst the opposite sex
¦ We try to and we fail to
¦ Flirt with a skirt
till they kick us where it hurts
¦ But we don't care,
cos we're a right pair
¦ We're street, we're safe
and we don't scare
¦ And even though
we're bruised and bloody
¦ We just say, "Kiss my chuddies"
¦ Yeah
¦ Work your bhodi
Work, work your bhodi
¦ It's a she and she's a fun Barbie
¦ Walk like a Punjabi
¦ People scare, need a change
¦ Start right here,
my pants have gone strange
¦ I'm no Khan, Smith,
Patel or a Singh
¦ Don't want to spend my life being
..this thing. ¦
¦ Ah-h-h-h-h... ¦
¦ In matters of the heart,
don't be hasty
¦ Just chill -
She'll think that you're tasty
¦ But if you get a girl
who's not chast-e
¦ She'll diss you good
and that's total basti
¦ Muffins in the house
¦ Lock up your daughters
¦ Ready to pounce
¦ Just like we oughta
¦ Massive funky geezers
¦ We take your biscuit
¦ Don't give a Rhesus
¦ Cha, man! Wicked!
¦ Mixed pakoras,
babes gagging for us
¦ Test and tosterone
More than the chorus
¦ That's what them like
¦ Act all shy
¦ Taks your cash and then say,
"Bye!"
¦ No pleasin', just teasin'
¦ Unless you're really brave,
don't seize 'em
¦ And if they look like a Teletubby
¦ Just say, "Hey!
Go kiss my chuddy"
¦ Over-achieving,
deep heavy breathing
¦ We think taking
is better than receiving
¦ Cool like the cat
¦ Check out the act
¦ A spoonful of goodness
in a bucketful of tat
¦ And we don't drink
¦ And we don't smoke
¦ If we do we get a thapaar
from the old folk
¦ Even though
they're black belt fuddy-duddies
¦ We just mime
Kiss my chuddies! ¦
Subtitles by Mairi Macleod
BBC Scotland - 1998
DOORBELL
Hello?
Hello! I'd like to talk to you
about Krishna.
Oh, yes?
Ever thought of becoming a Hindu?
Actually, I've always wanted to.
Well, you can't. Sorry!
Have a nice day.
Goodness gracious me!