Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 7 - A Marriage of Convenience - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Ain't it thrilling, Sergeant?
Ain't it just too thrilling?

I mean, us being here in
Hollywood making a picture.

Yeah. Well, ain't you
thrilled, Sergeant?

Pyle, as far as I'm
concerned, it's a job.

We were sent here to
do a job, and that's it.

But, Sergeant,
ain't you thrilled

just being here in Hollywood?

Tinsel, Pyle, it's all tinsel.



Huh? It's tinsel,

it ain't real, it's all phony,

it's a Barnum &
Bailey world... it's tinsel.

Well, maybe so, Sergeant,
but don't you want to go

over to the commissary with
me and get some autographs?

Pyle, I told you I wasn't
interested in that sort of thing.

Hey, look, Sergeant,
there's Omar Sharif.

Where? Where?

That's not Omar
Sharif, you dummy.

Omar's doing location
shooting in Warsaw,

where he's the star of
The Paderoski Story.

Boy, what rotten luck.

Just when we really had a
great part all sewed up for you.

I could've doubled your
salary overnight. Really.



Did you explain that to
the Immigration Office?

Honey, the law is the law.

Your visa expires
next Wednesday.

You have to be out
of the country by then.

There's just one way you can
stay, and you know what that is.

I know, I know. Well,
then why don't you do it?

Marry an American.

What do you think
I've been trying to do?

All I'm trying to say is
that you can't be so choosy!

You're gonna have to take
anybody that'll have you.

What?

It's just a temporary
arrangement,

a marriage of convenience...
What's the big deal?

The big deal is
finding this dope

who'll let himself be used for
the temporary arrangement.

Golly...!

Excuse me for butting in,

but you're Pola
Prevost, ain't ya?

That's right.

I just knew it had to be you.

If it wouldn't be
too much trouble,

could I have your
autograph, ma'am?

Of course.

And would you make it
out to Gomer, Gomer Pyle.

I'm here with that marine
movie that they're making.

I see. You know, Miss Prevost,

I've seen just about every
picture you've ever been in,

and you know what, you're
even prettier in person

than you are up there
on the silver screen,

you really are.

You really think so?

I mean it.

You remember that picture
where you played the gypsy girl?

I just couldn't
believe the ending.

You know, where you...
where Rosanno what's-his-name

gave you up to
marry that rich girl.

I always felt
anybody'd prefer you.

You really felt that way?

Oh, yes.

Even though I understood
why he had to give you up.

You was kind of
representing evil, wasn't you?

What?

Oh, yes, yes, I was.

Then that's the way it
had to be in the picture.

But any other time, I'd say

that you'd be the one
that any man'd prefer.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, thank you
for the autograph.

I'll always treasure it.

Bye, now.

Hello. Front desk?

Uh, this is Sergeant
Carter in room 823.

I'm here with the marine movie.

Say, listen, I wonder if you
could give me some information

on that Hollywood
premiere tonight?

Oh, no, I didn't expect
to get a ticket to get in.

No, I was just
calling to find out

who could get me a bleacher
seat to watch the stars come in.

Uh, yeah, I figured that was
something I ought to look in on.

Oh, you don't?

I see. Well, who would?

Oh. Thank you.

Could I have that phone number?

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Uh, hold it, Pyle.

Operator, could I have 463-4699?

Sergeant, are you
going out this evening?

Yeah, I'm trying to get some
information on that premiere.

Oh, well, I saw a
sign down in the lobby

that said you could take
one of them bus tours...

No, thanks, Pyle.

You can ride with a
hundred other tourists

on a bus that drives
you past the theater.

Me, I've got my
own private contacts.

Hello. USO?

This is Sergeant Vincent Carter.

I'm here making a marine movie.

Say, I wonder if you could
give me some information

about that Hollywood
premiere tonight?

Excuse me, Sergeant,
my phone's ringing.

Well, what I want is a good
place near the curb to stand.

Huh? Oh, okay, I'll hang on.

Hello?

Uh, just a minute.

Private Pyle, this
is Pola Prevost.

My Pola Prevost?

Yes, darling.

We met at lunch.

You remember?

Golly...!

I sure do.

Tell me, Gomer, how
would you like to attend

a Hollywood premiere
with me this evening?

Well... why in the world are
you inviting me, Miss Prevost?

Oh, let's just say
that I like marines.

You do?

Well, uh, ma'am, would you
mind holding on just a minute?

What's happening?

I don't know.

I think he may have fainted.

Sergeant Carter... Well, what
time does the premiere start?

Sergeant, wait'll I
tell you... Hold it, Pyle!

Well, what time do
I have to be there?

But, Sergeant, I've got...

Pyle, I'm talking to the USO!

I'm sorry, will you
repeat that again, please?

Well, if it doesn't
start until 8:00,

why do I have to be there
at 5:00? But, Sergeant...

Pyle, will you get out of here!

Oh, that crowded, huh?

Oh, well, uh, okay,
I'll leave right now.

And thanks for the tip.

Hello, Miss Prevost?

I'm sorry to keep
you waiting, ma'am.

Um, that'll be just fine.

Where are we meeting?

Just be in front of
your hotel at 8:00,

and I will pick you up.

Ciao, darling.

She'll pick us up at 8:00?

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

We're gonna be picked
up at 8:00 by Pola Prevost!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Pyle!

Pyle!

Excuse me.

Pyle!

Hey!

Hey, cab!

Cab!

Follow that big black car!

Right up there!

Move it! Move! Move!

Right this way.

There we are. Grazie.

Why don't you sit there, Gomer.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Krasna. Yeah.

Hey, isn't this nice, huh?

Yeah, Harry. Thank you, dear.

Your waiter will be
right here, Mr. Krasna.

Thank you.

You like, yes? Golly!

Uh, champagne for everybody.

Do you have a reservation?

Huh? Uh, no.

I'll sit at the bar.

Uh, give me a beer.

Well, I want to thank you all
for this spectacular evening.

It's kind of like a Cinderella
story with me being the Cinderella.

It was Miss Prevost's...
uh, Pola's idea.

She liked you the minute
you walked up to the table

this afternoon to ask
for her autograph. Aw...

It's true, isn't it,
Pola? Tell him.

I have to make a phone
call. Will you excuse me?

Go on, Pola, tell him, tell him.

It's true.

You may not believe this,

but something
happened to me today

when you walked over to
my table in the commissary.

And tonight, sitting
next to you in the theater,

it seemed to be happening again.

Really?

Well, like what?

Like what?

Like love.

I might as well say it
right out... I love you.

Well... but you... you
don't even know me.

How well do you know
someone in a dream?

In the movie, you gave
me the top of the popcorn...

Where all the butter is.

I know it's a little thing,

but that's what
life and love is...

A lot of little things.

Shall I tell you
something, Gomer?

I could be very happy
with a man like you.

It seems crazy... we just met,

and already we're
talking marriage.

R-Really, Miss Pola, I
don't know what to say.

Well, we come from
two different worlds.

But you're in my
world now, Gomer.

Here, we act on
impulse and instinct.

But, Miss Pola, I'm...
I'm really very flattered,

but we just don't do
things like that back home.

You haven't even
met my folks yet.

I'll meet them, I'll meet them.

But even then we
couldn't get married

unless we found that we
truly loved one another,

through courting and...

and me asking your
daddy for your hand.

And... besides, I've
already got a girlfriend.

Oh...

Well, would you look who's here!

It's my Sergeant,
Sergeant Carter.

Do you mind if I
ask him over here?

Why not?

My goodness, what a surprise!

Pyle! How are you?

It's a small world isn't it?

Sergeant Carter, Miss Prevost.

This is Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter,
Miss Pola Prevost.

Sergeant Carter's as
big a fan of yours as I am.

Oh, really?

Well, everybody having fun?

Excuse me.

Um, Mr. Krasna, this is my
sergeant, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, how are you, Sergeant?

The sergeant's a big
fan of Miss Pola's, too.

Yes, sir, there's nobody
I'd rather have met

in all of Hollywood.

I mean it.

My all-time favorite.

Ah... that's nice.

Yes, sir, you're wonderful,

just wonderful. Well,

it's getting late, and I think

I should be getting
on back to the hotel.

Wh-Where are you going?

Do you have to leave so soon?

If he has to leave, he has
to leave, Harry. What? What?

Harry.

But you can stay,
Sergeant, can't you?

Huh?

Sure.

I'll see you in
the morning, Pyle.

Tell me how long
you've been a sergeant.

Good night,
Mr. Krasna, Miss Prevost.

Thank you for everything. Uh,
six years, a gunnery sergeant.

Pola really has a
weakness for marines.

Especially if they're sergeants.

Don't you, Pola? Tell
him about your weakness.

I have to make a phone call.
Will you excuse me a moment?

Tell him, Pola, tell him.

It's true.

You may not believe this,

but something happened to me

when you walked
over to the table tonight.

Pyle, wake up, wake up!

What, Sergeant?

Listen, Pyle, the
reason I woke you up

was to make sure I'm
not dreaming. Huh?

I mean, I am awake, right?

Yes, Sergeant.

Listen, Pyle, you're
not going to believe this.

It's crazy, just crazy.

It's Pola Prevost and
me... we're engaged.

Engaged?

Engaged!

I know it sounds crazy.
I just can't believe it.

It's the kind of thing a guy
like me just dreams about,

but, well, it's only
supposed to happen

in movies and fairy tales.

Sergeant, you just met her.

I know, I know, that's what's
so crazy about the whole thing.

Well, what about Miss Bunny?

Huh?

What about her?

Well, I always
thought that, well, you...

Yeah, well, this is different.

I don't know... I never really
asked Bunny to marry me.

And did you ask Miss Pola?

To tell you the truth, I
don't even remember.

There we were
talking one minute,

and the next thing... boom!

That's awful fast
ain't it, Sergeant?

Yeah. I'll tell you
something, Pyle,

these people in Hollywood
don't think like the rest of us.

They don't fool around.

They like you, they
marry you, just like that.

Why do you suppose Miss
Pola's so anxious to get married?

Huh?

Well, I don't know, Pyle.

She must have seen
something in me.

You know the kind of guy
she's probably used to...

Softies, pretty boys, phonies...

and then along
comes a guy like me

and she probably
says to herself,

"Yeah, that's what
I've been looking for.

"Somebody strong,
somebody powerful.

A kind of a tough
father figure."

Yeah, I can see
what she saw in me.

Then Sunday morning
after champagne,

we can fly to Las
Vegas and be married.

I still can't believe it.

You know, since last night
I've been walking on air.

We're trained to move
fast in the marines,

but, boy, this is
really something.

Yes, well... Oh, I
have to run, darling.

I'll stop by and see
you on the set later.

Come in.

Hey, Pyle.

Well, hey, Sergeant.

You want to see something great?

What you got?

Is that hot stuff? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, that guy was right.

Russian pajamas do
do something for you.

I saw Yul Brenner wearing
a pair in a movie once,

and he looked great.

And if he could look great,

think what they'll do
for me with all my hair.

Yeah, they're real
nice, Sergeant.

Gomer, you ready
to go to lunch...?

Oh, hi, Sarge. I didn't
know you were here.

It's okay. Come in, come in.

I was just showing Pyle
part of my trousseau.

Your what?

Well, uh, Pyle will explain.

Put these in my room, will ya?

I got to get out of here.

I got to pick up a pair of shoes

and a million and
one things to do.

Oh, uh, Pyle... if
Pola calls, tell her

I'll meet her in the
commissary for lunch,

if not a little later.

You got that?

Yes, sir.

I'll see you after while.

♪ I'm getting married
in the morning... ♪

What was that all about?

Gomer, what's going on?

Well, you know Pola
Prevost the actress?

Yeah.

Looks like the sergeant's
gonna marry her.

You're kidding?!

Well, isn't it strange, Duke?

First she asks me and then
she asks Sergeant Carter.

What does it mean?

One of two things.

She's either a
kook... or... Or what?

Or she's pretty cute and
she just needs a husband.

Huh?

Look, first she tries you

and then she goes
out after the sergeant.

She just needs a
husband... For a little while.

A little while?
What do you mean?

Well, she needs a
husband for some reason.

I don't know... maybe to
straighten out her income tax.

And when it's straightened
out, she dumps him.

Why I never heard of such a...

Well, maybe you
never, but it goes on,

and that's what's
going on right now.

I'm telling you, this chick
needs a temporary husband.

Duke, I just don't believe

that there really are
people in the world like that.

Let me ask you something, Gomer,

did you tell the Sarge
what you just told me?

I tried to, but...
well, it wasn't easy.

He just wouldn't listen.

Well then, I guess
he's just going

to have to learn the hard way.

He wakes up a few
months, or even a few weeks,

after the wedding and finds
a note pinned to his pillow.

Finito.

I know Miss Pola seems
kind of strange, Duke,

but... well, she
just never would do

an awful thing like that.

Okay, don't believe me, Gomer.

Wait and find out for yourself.

Hey, Duke, there's Mr. Krasna.

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, hello, Harry.

Where's the happy bridegroom?

He said he might meet me here.

He wasn't sure.

He had so many things to do.

Probably out shopping
for the honeymoon.

Please, not while I'm eating.

I told you to stop worrying.

We just need that
marriage certificate

to establish your new status.

In the meantime, you can
have a very severe cold.

The sergeant will
understand. You think so?

I know so. He's a very
understanding sergeant.

I'll see you later.

It couldn't have
worked out any better.

Excuse me, Duke.

Hey, Miss Pola.

Hello.

It's me... Gomer.
Don't you remember?

Oh, Gomer. Hello, Gomer.

I was just wondering if I
could talk to you for a minute.

Well, yes, what is it?

Well, Miss Pola,

it's about you and
Sergeant Carter.

I know how you all do
things on impulses and all,

but excuse me for asking...

Are you really sincere about
marrying Sergeant Carter?

Of course I'm sincere.

What makes you ask
a question like that?

Well, I just wanted to
tell you one thing, ma'am.

You're getting the
most wonderful man.

And you don't have
to worry none, neither.

This ain't gonna be just another
one of them Hollywood marriages.

No, sir, this is going
to be the real thing...

With kids and everything. What?

I'm sure the
sergeant's going to want

to start a family right away.

Now that he's
decided to settle down,

he's really going
to settle down.

Uh, yes, what... what
makes you say that?

Well, the sergeant ain't
the flighty kind, ma'am.

With him, it's for keeps,
through thick and thin,

forever and ever.

Just like they say in
the marriage vow...

"Till death do you part."

Yes, they do say
that, don't they?

Yes, ma'am, and the sergeant's

really one that
goes by the book.

And what better book is there
than where that came from...

"Till death do you part"?

Yes.

I mean it, really.

Why he ain't gonna
let you out of his sight.

He'll follow you to
the ends of the Earth.

And won't that be
comforting, ma'am,

to know that he's
always there...

Always, forever and ever,

"Till death..." Yes, I know,
"Till death do us part."

I must run, Gomer.

Excuse me.

I cannot tell you how
interesting it was...

This little talk we had.

Come in.

Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, what do you got there?

Well, I got the mail

and there was a package for you.

Huh?

Who's it from?

It's from Miss Bunny.

Must be another salami.

You keep it, Pyle.

Not that I don't want
it, but you understand.

Sure, Sergeant.

She's a nice girl... Bunny.

She's... Well, that was
nice of her to do that.

Sure was.

Hello, operator.

Give me 462-7399.

I wonder why Pola hasn't called?

I left her at least three
messages this afternoon.

This is my last night
as a bachelor, Pyle.

You realize that?

Hello?

Miss Prevost please.

Vince Carter calling.

Hmm?

She's not there?

What are you talking about?

Yeah... Yeah?

Yeah.

What happened, Sergeant?

That was Krasna, her manager.

Pola's eloped to Las Vegas

to marry her...
interior decorator.

It can't be true.

Why? Why?

Well, I don't know.

I don't get it. I
just don't get it.

Well, Sergeant,
these things happen.

And, well, maybe
it's for the best.

What?

Well, it could be.

Leastwise this shows you

that she's just the
marry-in-haste kind

and could be that's not exactly

the right kind for you.

In a way, I think
you're kind of lucky.

'Cause, well, it would
have been awful

if you had married her

and then she decided
on her decorator.

Actually, this is really not
too much of a surprise to me.

Like I've been
saying all along...

This town ain't for real.

It's tinsel, Pyle.

Tinsel places,
tinsel people... tinsel.

You was right all
along, Sergeant.

Yeah.

You know, Pyle,
I've been thinking,

there's a valuable
lesson for you

in this Pola Prevost thing.

There is, Sergeant?

That's right... resilience.

You got to have resilience.

You know, a lot of guys
would have fallen apart

over a thing like that.

Stayed down for the count,
you know what I mean?

But not me.

Oh, no, I'm not
about to fall apart.

And you know why?

Because I got
resilience, Pyle... lots of it.

Have a piece of salami.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Pyle, women are
like a bus schedule.

Sometimes you can depend on 'em,

but then other times,
you got to take a train.

No, sir, you can't
judge a book by its...

Hey, this is pretty good salami.

Good old Bunny.

There ain't nobody that
can pick a salami like her.

Not too hard, not too soft...

Hello.

Huh?

You're ready with
my call to where?

But I didn't place no call.

Pyle, did you place a call?

Hello.

Bunny?

Sure. Don't mention it.

Yeah, I just figured I'd call
to thank you for the salami.

Oh, yeah, Bunny,
everything's fine, just fine.

No.

Well, we saw a
couple of movie stars.

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