Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 24 - The Short Voyage Home - full transcript

Gomer heads home to buy a gas station with his cousin Goober; Sergeant Carter goes with him. Gomer and the Sergeant run into pickpockets. In the end Gomer decides he's better off in the marines with the Sergeant to look after him.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Why, these monthly reports...

they can drive you
out of your mind.

Yeah, I'm getting so used

to doing everything
in triplicate,

I'm afraid to get
married and have kids.


I'll laugh later.

Right now, I've got
too much work to do.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
are you busy?

Uh, no, Pyle.

All these papers are
here because I want

to fold them up and make
paper airplanes out of them.

Of course I'm busy!

But it's important,
it's real important.

All right, Pyle, what is it?

Well, I've got a whole lot of
accumulated leave coming,

and I'd like a week
starting right now.

Are you kidding?

With all we've got to do?

You've got your nerve,
Pyle, it's out of the question.

But Sergeant...
I said forget it!

But Sergeant, something come up,

and I just gotta
have that leave.

Well, don't bother me.

Go talk to the chaplain.

Well, all right, Sergeant.

It's just that me and
my cousin, Goober,

got a chance to
buy this gas station,

and I was gonna go back
home and give him the money.

If I've got a good
business to go back to,

I might decide to get out of
the Marines when my hitch is up.

But if you won't
give me the pass,

I gotta figure
it's for the best,

and that's the
way fate willed it,

and I'll just go ahead and stay

in the Marines
like I'd planned to.

Thanks again, Sergeant.

Slater, did he
just... Pyle! Pyle!


Where were you running off to?

Well, you said you
was busy, Sergeant,

and maybe it's just as well.

Maybe I should just stay
on in the Marine Corps

and forget all about
going into business.

Wait a minute.

I didn't know it was
something important,

like a filling station.

You see, Pyle, you have a habit

of running the
important things together

with the dumb things.

Uh, Slater, get out of here.

Pyle, sit down.

There you go.

Now, tell me all about
what you're gonna do

when you get out of the Marines.

Well, there's this gas station

on the main road
right outside Mayberry.

Mm-hmm. Only it
don't do much business

'cause Old Man Murdoch's
kind of let it run down.

Mr. Murdoch, he's the owner.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, he's lost
a lot of business

on account of he's
mean-tempered and stingy.

He won't even give the
kids free air for their bicycles

or schedules to the high
school football games,

so naturally, the
kids tell their parents,

so the parents don't buy
any gas from Mr. Murdoch.

Oh, well, I don't blame them.

So, now, Mr. Murdoch
wants to sell it,

and Goober and me think
we can really make a go of it,

'cause it's an ideal
location. Yeah?

Only Mr. Murdoch won't
go through with the deal

unless we pay cash... That's
the way he is, you know?

So, I was gonna withdraw all my
savings and head on back home,

and that's what I
need the leave for.

Then, by all means,
you should have it.

Will seven days be enough?

You need ten?

Well, no, I think
seven will be enough.

Three days by bus going
and three days coming back,

and one for the transaction.

Good, go get packed,

get your money out of the bank,

and I'll have your
leave papers all ready.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

I can't tell you
how grateful I am.

Fine, now, go, Pyle.

You don't want to miss that bus.

Well, I'll be back soon,
Sergeant, and thanks again.

Go, Pyle, go, go, go, go!

All of it?


You mean you want
to take all of it out?

Yes, ma'am.

But you'll lose three
months interest:


I know, ma'am, but
it's real important.

Do you really think it's wise

to put all of your
cash in a business?

I just read that this year,

there have been more
bankruptcies than ever before.

Well, we hope
to make a go of it.

That's the way it always is.

One goes in with
such high hopes,

and so often, the
hopes are dashed.

Now, on the other hand, a
savings account is eternal.

Won't you think about
it, Gomer, please?

Well, me and Goober
really have our hearts

set on the gas station.

$1,682 in gas.

And with all this talk
about electric cars.

What's all that
commotion in the barracks?

It's like bees around honey.

Some of the guys found out

that Gomer's got
$1,600 in his kick.


Well, if I know Gomer,
he won't have it very long.

What are you talking about?

Well, all the guys are
hitting him with sob stories,

and Gomer's such a
soft touch anyway, Sarge.

By the time they
get through with him,

they'll have all his money,

and he can say good-bye
to that gas station.

Pyle! Pyle!

All right, you guys, out!

But Sarge... Out, out!

All of you out, you're a
bunch of crummy deadbeats.

Out! Get out of here.

Come on, move. Out, out.

Get out of here!

Pyle, have you still
got all of your money?

Yes, sir, but you
know, Sergeant,

a lot of those fellas

need that money a
lot worse than I do.

Pyle, if you gave
them all your money,

what would happen
to your gas station?

Think of what
you're jeopardizing.

Yes, sir, I know, but
when a fella comes to you

and needs braces
for his girlfriend's teeth

or money to make his
motorcycle payment,

it just makes you
feel that a gas station

ain't that important and
can wait another hitch.

Hmm? Don't say that.

Do you know how often
opportunity knocks?


And think of your
cousin, Goober.

Wh-What about him?

Is Henderson's
motorcycle payment

more important than
your own flesh and blood?

Now, think, Pyle, think.

I know, Sergeant, but when
somebody comes to you

in need, it's just kind of
hard to turn him down.

Turn him down, turn him down.

Now, when are you leaving?

In about an hour. Good.

I'll have your leave papers
ready... and don't talk

to anybody before you
leave, understand? Anybody!

Sergeant, but I don't think...

You see, you're talking, Pyle.

I said anybody.

Pyle's leave papers are ready

for your signature, Sarge.

And I am ready to
sign them, Slater.

I am ready to sign them.

Sergeant Carter, I'm
ready to leave now.

Oh, Pyle, we were
just talking about you.

Your leave papers are all ready.

Here, file this, Slater.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Now, remember
what I told you, Pyle.

I want to see you do
well on the outside.

You owe it to yourself,

you owe it to Goober,
you owe it to me.

Well, I'll sure do
my best, Sergeant.

Good, now, you go on that bus,

you keep that
money in your pocket,

and you don't talk to no
strangers no matter what.

Right, Sergeant, I'll see you.

Bye, Duke.

Have a good trip, Gome.

Good luck, Mr. Businessman.

Relax, Gomer, I'll pay
you back on payday.

What's that?

Sounds like the
vultures are back.

Boy, they're determined
to get that dough

out of Gomer before he leaves.

Pyle! Pyle!

It was nice of you to bring me

all the way down here, Sergeant,

but I don't really
think it was necessary.

Well, I do, I had to get you

away from them buzzards.

Oh, they was just
trying to be nice.

They just wanted to drive me

down here to the bus station.


Did you ever stop to figure out

why they were being so nice?

Uh, would you make him
out a round-trip bus ticket

to Mayberry, North
Carolina, please?

Hey, I beg your
pardon, Sergeant,

is that your jeep
parked right out front?

Huh? Uh, yes, sir, it is.

Well, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to move it.

It's parked in a loading zone.

Well, we'll just
be here a minute.

Look, Sarge, I'm trying
to give you a break.

If you don't move it,

I'm gonna have
to give you a ticket.

Okay, okay.

Uh, Pyle, where's
your bus fare money?

Right here in my pocket. Okay.

Now, buy your ticket,
don't talk to no strangers,

and keep that 1,600
bucks in your pocket.

I'll be right with you, Officer.

Remember, the only way

you're gonna get
to that gas station

when you get out of the Corps

is to be careful, you got that?

Yes, sir. Okay,
I'll be right back.

Uh, uh, young man,

can I see you for a minute?

Me? Yes, you.

Over here.

Well, yes, sir, just a minute.


What can I do for you, sir?

There is just one little word

I'd like to say to you. Sir?





Now, you look like a very
enterprising young man.

Tell me...

how much longer do you
have in the Marine Corps?

Well, it's funny
you'd ask me that,

because I'm gonna
be getting out real soon.

Good. Do you have any plans?

Well, yes, sir, I
was on my way back

to Mayberry now to
see about a gas station.

How many pumps?

There's two.

How would you like four?

Four pumps?

I can put you in four
pumps inside of a month.

Are you in the gas
station business?

Oh, my, no, no.

Chinchillas: raising them.

Big money in it.

One month in the
chinchilla business,

and you have four pumps,
maybe even a grease pit.

Well, I don't know nothing
about raising chinchillas.

Ah, but that's the
lovely part of it.

You don't have to.

The chinchillas know.

You mean there's nothing to it?


Again, the magic
word... chinchilla.


Four pumps would be a
whole lot better than two.

Goober would really like that.

What do I have to do?

Well, it just so
happens that in my car,

I have two furry
little moneymakers

that can be the beginning
of an empire, my boy.

The beginning of an empire!

Come along.


Where are you going?

We're going outside
to see some chinchillas.

You're what?

Sergeant, perhaps I
can interest you in...

In the chinchilla racket?

Chinchilla business, Sergeant.

Look, buddy, I don't
know what's going on,

but if you don't
get out of here,

I'm gonna call the cops.

Now, wait a minute... Police!

Good-bye, gentlemen!

Sergeant, you know
what that fella told me?

He said I could make enough

in a month raising chinchillas

to buy two extra
pumps and a grease pit.

Pyle, you idiot,

don't you know a con
when you see one?

Well, he was taking me outside

to show me those two
furry little moneymakers.

He was taking you outside
to hit you on the head

and take your 1,600 bucks,
that's what he was doing!


First call, Transcontinental
bus number three

leaving for Barstow, Needles,
Albuquerque and points east.

That's my bus.

I guess I'd better
get going, Sergeant.

It's really too bad

about that chinchilla
fella, though,

'cause I really like animals.

All right, Pyle, I
guess I'm gonna have

to take you out to the bus

and put you on it personally.

Well, it really ain't
necessary, Sergeant.

Ain't necessary?

Pyle, you're a sitting duck.

You're walking around with
1,600 bucks in your pocket!

Shh! Come on.

Well, Sergeant, I really...

Oh, I'm... excuse me, Marine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Chester, you ought
to look where you're going.

Are-are you all
right, young man?

Yes, ma'am, I'm fine.

Oh, my son is so careless.

He-he's always
bumping into people.

As a matter of fact,

we're on our way
to see a specialist

to cure him of
bumping into people.

Pyle, will you come on?

We ain't got much time.

Right, Sergeant.

Good-bye, ma'am,
and I hope the operation

turns out all right.

Another second,
and I would've had it.

Well, you're just not as fast

as you used to be, Mother.

Don't ever say that.

I've still got the touch.

Now, look, there's
$1,600 going on that bus,

and we're going to get it.

Thank you.

Go right on, please.

Thank you. Go ahead.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Your ticket, please.

No, I ain't a passenger.

I'm just seeing my
friend here on. Yes, sir.

Sergeant, I'll be all right.

Really, I will.

Well, it don't
hurt to make sure.

Now, let's find you a good seat.

Well, here's one. Yeah?

Uh, not there, Pyle.

That guy's got shifty eyes.

Uh, there.

Sit down there.

Sergeant, you're just
too suspicious of people.

Well, you have to be

when you're carrying
that much money on you.

Oh, hello, young man.

My, what a surprise.

We're traveling together.

Yes, ma'am, I guess so.

Chester, here are two seats.

Yes, Mother.


You're in luck sitting
in front of them.

They're the only two honest
looking people on the bus.

Here, here's your magazines.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant...
Here, let me pay you.

No, no, keep that
wallet in your pocket!

Now, look, Pyle, I
gotta leave you now,

so remember, don't be
your usual friendly self.

Just bury your face in
one of them magazines,

and keep it there until you get

to Mayberry, North Carolina.

But Sergeant,
Mayberry's a three-day trip.


Well, all right,
if you gotta talk

to somebody, you...

uh, maybe just
talk to that nice lady

and her son.

Well, I got to get
back to the base now.

I'll see you, Pyle.

Bye, Sergeant.

Is that seat taken, Marine...?

Yes, it is.

Well, why did you
do that, Sergeant?

I didn't like his looks.

He looked too suspicious.

Well, he didn't look
suspicious to me.

Well, naturally.

No one does to you.

Frankenstein could
sit down beside you,

and you'd invite
him home to dinner.

Excuse me, sir.


I wonder if I could ask
you to do me a little favor.

What is it, Sergeant?

Well, one of my men here

is making a
cross-country bus trip. Mm.

He's carrying an awful
lot of money on him.

He's going back to his
hometown to buy a filling station.

And I was wondering if,

well, you would sit
down here beside him

and sort of keep
an eye on things.

You know, with all the dishonest
people we got around these days,

you can't be too careful,
you know what I mean?

Oh, certainly, Sergeant.

I'd be more than
happy to sit with him.

Well, thank you, sir.

I certainly do
appreciate that, sir.

Well, good-bye, Pyle.

Bye, Sergeant.

Hello, Harry.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Okay, Harry, on your feet.

Put your hands up there.

Now to the front.

Good luck with the
gas station, Marine.

Nice to have met you, Sergeant.


Uh, what is this?

Who is he? What'd he do?

You name it,
Sergeant, he's done it.

I'm going with you, Pyle.

All the way to Mayberry?

Just the first stop or two.

Sergeant, it's not that I
don't enjoy your company,

but I don't really
think it's necessary.

Shut up, Pyle, and read.

Would you like a
magazine, Sergeant?

No, Pyle.

For me, there's a much
more important job.

What are you going
to do, Sergeant?

I'm gonna watch,
Pyle, I'm gonna watch.


15-minute rest stop.

Next stop Barstow.
Sergeant, Sergeant Carter.


We're at Pleasantville.

Are you gonna get off here?

Uh, I don't know. I'll see.

Well, I think I will.

I'd like to stretch
my legs a little

Well, I'll go, too.

If you'd like, ma'am,

I'll bring you a cup of coffee

so you don't have to get out.

Well, thank you, son,

but I'd like to get a
little exercise myself.


I almost had it.

All I needed was a couple
more seconds before we got here.

What are you talking about?


Somebody's going to see that.

What are we going to do?

The only thing we can do...

Lift it in the diner before
somebody else notices it.

Come on.

No, no, Pyle, I'll get it.

I don't want you
flashing your wallet.

Okay, Sergeant.

Excuse me.

Sorry. Well, that's all right.

Chester, you did it again.

Oh, I'm sorry, young man,

but you know about my son.

Yes, ma'am, I understand.

Excuse me.

Pyle... where is your wallet?

It's right here... Huh? Huh?

It's gone, Sergeant!

Of course it's gone.

It was sticking so
far out of your pocket,

that a baby could have
come along and grabbed it.

You took it?

Just to show you that
you don't even know

how to put the dumb
thing in your pocket.

All right, I got it, and
I'm gonna keep it,

and I am going with you.

But, Sergeant...
Pyle, don't you realize

what is at stake here?

Don't you know how
important this wallet is

and what it represents?

Dreams. Your dreams,
Goober's dreams, my dreams.

Uh, hopes... for your future.

Sergeant, I know all that and
I really will be more careful.

Well, forget it, Pyle, I'm
going with you and that's that.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

That's all right, madam.

Come on, Pyle.
Let's get on the bus.

See you on the bus.


Sergeant, I still don't know

how my pocket got unbuttoned.

That's your trouble, Pyle.

You never know what you do.

See, it's a good
thing I came along.

Now, at least you
know your wallet's safe.

That's right, Sergeant,
and I sure do appreciate it.

Come on, fellas, let's go.

Oh, wait a minute, driver.

That little old lady
and her son ain't on yet.

They're not going
any further, buddy.

Oh, are you sure?

Yeah, I just talked to them.

They're getting off here.

Come on, let's go.

Barstow, Barstow,
20-minute stop.

I still don't understand
why that little old lady

and her son got
off at the last stop.

Pyle, they probably live
out in the country someplace.

Forget about them and
worry about yourself.

Well, I'll be all right,
Sergeant, honest.

And you don't have to
go any further with me.

I didn't expect
you to go this far.

Well, I had to, Pyle. I
wanted to protect you.

But, Sergeant, I'll be
all right; honest, I will.

Now that I know what
you was worried about,

I'll really watch
it. Are you sure?

Yes, sir. If you'll just give
me back my wallet now,

you can head on
back to the base.

And I want to thank you
again for all your protection.

Okay, Pyle. Here's your wallet.

Something wrong, Sergeant?

You're all flushed,
Sergeant. Are you well?

Pyle, your wallet! It's gone!

It's gone?! Yeah, it's lost!

We lost a wallet!

Has anybody here found a wallet?

It had $1,600 in it.

It was the young
man's life savings.

He was going to buy
a filling station with it

in Mayberry, North Carolina.

Sergeant... Look, sir.

Sir, ma'am...
anybody, everybody,

we lost a wallet! Sergeant!

Don't panic, Pyle! Don't panic!

Where do you think you lost it?

"Lost it"?!

I didn't lose it!

Somebody stole it from me.

Somebody lifted it
right out of my pocket.

Really? That's right.

A pickpocket.

Now all we got to do
is retrace our steps

to figure out exactly
where it happened.

Now, let's see.

Who was riding
behind us on that bus?

Oh, yeah, I remember,

the little old lady and her son.

No, Sergeant.

They didn't get
back on at the diner.

And that's where I
gave you the wallet.

The diner! Right.

That's the last place
we saw the wallet

when I lifted it off of you

after the little old lady's
son bumped into you.

Yeah, the poor thing.

Then you put it in your pocket

and you went over to
pay the check. Right!

I was paying the check,

you were standing
right beside me,

and the little old
lady bumped into me.

The little old lady
bumped into me!

Pyle, it was them!

Come on. Taxi!


Taxi, taxi... taxi!


Where's the driver?

Where are we going, Sergeant?

Back to Pleasantville.

Maybe they'll still be there
waiting for another bus.

It's our only chance.
Don't worry, Pyle.

I'll get your money
back for you.


Sergeant, I was
just thinking. Huh?

Well, you know what they say,

maybe this whole thing's
just a blessing in disguise.

What? Well, if I don't have
a business to go home to,

then I won't get
out of the Marines

when my hitch is up,
and we'll still be together,

maybe for always.


Uh, taxi, taxi!

Sorry, bud, got
to go out on a call.

But we've got to get to
Pleasantville right away.

Yeah? Well, that's
just where I'm going.

I got to pick up a fare. Hop in.

Driver, stop!

Pyle, look!

Is that the fare
you're picking up?

I guess so.

They said it would be a
lady and a young man.

They want me to take them
all the way to Las Vegas.

They must be rolling in dough.

Get down, Pyle.

Pull up in front of the diner.

What? Just do as I
tell you. I'll explain later.

Las Vegas, Mac,
and make it fast.

All right, this is
it. Hold it, lady.

Good-bye, Mother.

Pyle, get her son! Chester!


Shame, shame, shame!

Hold it, lady.

$1,400, $1,500, $1,600...

It's all here,
every dollar of it.

Good. All right
you two, in the car.

We'll contact you when
the case comes to court.

It's hard to believe that a nice

mother and son like
that could go so wrong.

Well, maybe you'll
learn now, Pyle.

You cannot be too careful.

Hey, buddy.

How about my fare?

Oh, I'll take care of it.

No, let me handle it.

It's the least I can do.

What's the matter, Sergeant?

My wallet! It's gone!

That little old lady!

When we were
talking to the sheriff,

she must've lifted it! Sheriff!

Sheriff! Sheriff!

The way I got it figured,

Pyle is halfway across Arizona.

Closer, ever closer to that

beautiful little gas station,

further ever further
out of my life.

I'll tell you one thing, Sarge,

it's not everybody
that would go this far

just to get rid of a guy. Slater,
I was willing to cross country,

any country, to get rid of Pyle.

Don't you realize
what this means to me?


Once Pyle buys that gas station,

he's gone, Slater! Gone!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Pyle, what are you doing here?

You're just pulling
into Flagstaff.

Sergeant, after you
left me, I got on the bus

and I headed to Mayberry,
and I started thinking.

What kind of thinking?

Well, soul searching, Sergeant.

Soul searching...
Mostly about you.

Me? Yes, sir.

When I realized what
you was doing for me,

and how you'd
been protecting me,

and you kept me
from losing that money,

I realized as close as I am
to Goober, and even though

he is my cousin, he could
never give me the kind

of protection you give me
right here in the Marine Corps.

What are you saying, Pyle?

Well, as soon as
I realized all that,

I got off the bus
there at Barstow,

and I called up
Goober and I told him

if he wanted that gas
station, just go right ahead

and buy it. You mean...?

That's right,
Sergeant, I'm back!