Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 5, Episode 25 - Proxy Poppas - full transcript

Gomer and Sergeant Carter help a fellow marine who's wife is having a baby.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

There, that does it.

Should be nice and sturdy now.

I sure appreciate it, Gomer.

Now, come on over
and have some coffee.

Ken's been trying all week
to put that thing together,

but he's all thumbs.

Well, it's just 'cause
he's so excited,

what with the new
baby coming and all.

Yeah. The closer it
gets, the worse he gets.

Let me do that, honey.

Now you shouldn't be
on your feet so much.

Why don't you sit down.

Is your back bothering you?

Oh, I'm fine.

Can I get you a
pillow or something?

No, thank you.

How's about some
soup? No, thank you.

I'm really fine,
honey. I'm fine.

Isn't she wonderful, Gomer?

Never complains.
Calm, collected.

If it wasn't for her, I'd
be a nervous wreck.

There's no reason to be nervous.

Didn't the doctor say
it'd be a week yet?

It could happen at any time.

You never know.

The coffee's
awful rich, isn't it?

You're drinking the cream.

Kenny, I really think we ought
to be getting on back to camp.

I still think I
should stay here.

Oh, honey, we have
been all through that.

Now I can't get any
sleep while you're around.

You keep waking me
up every ten minutes

to see if I'm all right.

But what if the
baby should come...?

I'll phone you.

Oh, please, honey,
just for tonight.

It'll be better for both of us.

Well, if you say so. Mm-hmm.

You know the phone
number, don't you?

I know it.

I wrote it down on a
piece of paper just in case.

All right? Okay.

Come on.

♪ I won't dance,
don't ask me... ♪

Come in.

Did my wife call yet, Sergeant?


You see, his wife's
expecting a baby,

and she was going
to... I know, I know.

No, she didn't call.

Are you sure?

I've been here all night.

There weren't any calls.

What are you doing back
here anyway, Johnson?

Why aren't you home?

Rosemary decided Ken
might as well stay here tonight,

since she could call
him if she needed him.

Okay, okay.

When she calls,
I'll let you know.

I said I'd let you know.

Oh, okay, Sergeant.

Thank you. Good night.

I'll be right with you.

To tell you the truth, Sergeant,

Rosemary thought he
should stay out here tonight

on account of he's so
nervous around the house

that she can't get no rest.

What's with him, anyway?

You'd think he was
the first guy in the world

to have a baby.

Well, it is kind
of a special thing.

Yeah, well, he better calm down

or he'll drive us all buggy.

Oh, he'll calm down, Sergeant.

I'm gonna see to it.

You watch, he'll
be just fine. Good.

Now get out of here.

Sergeant, are you
going to be wearing

a tuxedo somewheres?

Well, yeah. Why?

Don't you think I
can wear a tuxedo?

Well, yeah, you'll
look real fine in it.

Are you taking Miss
Bunny someplace?


The Cosmeticians'
Union is having

their annual installation
of officers tomorrow night

and Bunny's local is putting
her in as vice president.


I bet that's gonna be
some kind of big affair.

Yeah. They're gonna have
a polka band and everything.

Well, good night, Pyle.

Good night, Sergeant.

♪ I won't dance, don't ask me ♪

♪ I won't dance... ♪

Company B. Sergeant Carter here.

Oh, hi, Bunny.

Yeah. I picked
up the whole outfit.

It fits great. Yeah.

I come on a lot
like George Raft.

We'll be the best
looking couple there.

I heard the phone,
Sergeant! Tell her not to panic!

Is she okay?

I knew I shouldn't
have left her alone!

Hold it, hold it. Well,
can I talk to her?

Well, this ain't your wife.

This call's for me. For you?

Yeah, for me.

I live here.

Ken, Ken, wake up.

Huh... Huh?!

Listen, didn't the doctor
say that the baby was due

the third week of this month?

Yeah. What about it?

Well, today's the 15th.
That makes it the third week.

You're right, it
is the third week.

I suppose if anything was wrong,

Rosemary would
have called us, right?

Right... if she could call.

But suppose she couldn't call?!

Do you think she couldn't call?

I don't know.

But I better call
her and find out.

Well, the pay phone's
at least a mile away.

Well, what are we going to do?


We'll use Sergeant
Carter's phone.

He'll be asleep
and he won't mind.

We'll be real quiet.


Now dial quietly.

All right, all right.

All right, all
right, I'm coming.


Oh, uh, hi, Bunny.

Uh, no, that's all right.

No, I ain't annoyed.

What time is it anyway?


No, I was half up.

It's just that some joker
took my phone and, he...


You decided
against the red dress.

Fine, great. Okay.

Well, I'll call you
in the morning.

Good night, honey.

Good evening, sir.

What are you doing
out here, Sergeant?

I came out to
answer the phone, sir.

You prefer talking outdoors?

Well, it's kind of
hard to explain, sir.

You see, I was asleep,
I heard the phone

and I found it out here.

In the future, if you're
going to talk out here,

I suggest you dress in
something a little more appropriate.

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

Good evening, sir.

I guess it wasn't Rosemary

or the sergeant
would be here by now.

So let's go on back to sleep.

I can't sleep now.

I've got to make
sure that she's okay.

Well... Let's try
it again, Gomer.

The sergeant's probably
gone back to sleep.

I guess it'll be all right.

I can tell by the
sounds he makes

whether he's
really asleep or not.

It's okay now.

He's sound asleep.

Are you sure?

When he hits that
kind of long gargle,

he's sound asleep.

That's a sure sign.

I remember when we used to go

on overnight survival camp,

believe me, an earthquake
couldn't rouse him now.

All right, what's going on?!

Stay right where you are.

I sure don't understand that.

He must have changed
his sleeping habits.

So, you're the two jokers
that have been playing

hide-and-seek with
my phone, huh?

I could have figured.

Didn't I tell you guys...

Sergeant, it was an emergency,

and we just didn't
want to disturb you.

Gomer figured
the whole thing out.

We just know the
baby is on its way.

Pyle figured it out?

Yes, sir, you see I
started counting the days...

Yeah, Rosemary probably
needs me right now.

So, Sergeant, could I please...?

Yeah, go ahead.
Thank you, Sergeant.

Why don't you go down to
the gate and get a taxi, huh?

Good idea. Hold it!

I really appreciate
this, Sergeant.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Rosemary, Ken here.

Yeah, yeah, it's time, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

All right, good-bye.

I woke her up.


You see, Sergeant...
Out! But, Sergeant...

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out Out!

Now, you got that straight?

You will replace
every cracked insulator

on every pole from
here to the main gate.

Since you're so
clever with telephones,

this should be a piece of cake.

Now, you start
climbing, Johnson,

and, Pyle, you feed
him up the parts.

Sergeant, maybe I
ought to do the climbing

since Ken hasn't
been too steady lately.

Pyle, you will
do as you're told.

Him up, you down.

Now get going. But, Sergeant...

Him up, you down.

Yes, sir, him up, me down.

Pyle. Pyle. Pyle.


Pyle. Yates.

That's all, men.

Hey, Sarge, you seen Pyle?

He wasn't at mail call.

No, I got him and
Johnson on special detail.

They're replacing insulators
on the telephone poles.

Hey, don't you think that's
a job for the wiremen?

That climbing's kind of tricky.

All the better.

It'll keep their attention.

They won't have time
to think about babies.


Oh, hi, Gome. Here's your mail.

Thank you, Duke.

Sergeant... What is it, Pyle?

Well, I thought
you ought to know

before somebody else told you...

I mean about the accident.

What accident?

Sergeant, I never have disobeyed

one of your orders before,

but, well, you
remember what you said,

you wanted him up
and me down? Yeah.

Well, that's the
order I disobeyed.

It worked out me
up and him down.

I just felt Ken is too
nervous to be up there

so I climbed up the pole.

Come to the point, Pyle.

Well, one of the
spikes was loose,

and I fell down.

Well, you seem all right.

I'm fine. It's Ken.

But you were the one that fell.

Yes, sir, but I fell on Ken.

Is he okay?

I suppose so. At least
that's what the nurse said.


The one that took the X rays.

What X rays?

Well, on the way over
there in the ambulance,

the doctor said... You
called an ambulance?

Well, yes, sir, we had
to, on account of Ken

couldn't walk to the
hospital on that leg.

What leg?

The one he broke.

Johnson's leg is broken?

Yes, sir.

So he's gonna have
to be in the hospital

and he ain't gonna be able
to take care of Rosemary.

And that poor girl's all alone.

What are we going
to do, Sergeant?

Well, Slater, how do I look?

Fine. Okay.

You still think it's my fault
that Johnson broke his leg,

don't you? I didn't
say that, Sarge.

Yeah, but I know
what you're thinking.

The job should've
been done by wiremen.

Well, it was Pyle and
Johnson who goofed,

and nobody's gonna
make me feel guilty about it.

Whatever you say, Sarge.

Well, Johnson's wife must
have relatives to look after her.

They just moved
here... There's no one.

Well, she's got to have friends.

No, they haven't
been here that long.

Hey, Duke.

Hey, Gome. Hey, Sergeant.

Can I have an overnight pass?

I'd like to stay over at Ken's,

in case Rosemary needs any help.

Ken said he'd feel
a whole lot better

knowing I was there

since he's stuck
here in the hospital.

It's the least I can
do, since this never

should've happened
to Ken in the first place.

What's that supposed to mean?

Only that this whole
thing's my fault.

Okay, okay.

Just keep that in mind.

See? Pyle knows.

Thank you, Sergeant.

My, my, don't you look nice!

I hope you go out and
have the best kind of time.

Just enjoy yourself
up to the hilt

and have all kinds of fun,

and don't worry
one bit about things.

Just tell Miss Bunny, Gomer
said hey and congratulations.

Uh, are you going
over there now?

Yes, sir.

Well, uh, you need a ride?

Thank you, Sergeant, but
you don't have to bother.

Well, it's no bother.

It was nice of you
to stop by, Sergeant.

And I know Ken
will appreciate it.

That's okay, Mrs. Johnson.

Gee, it's, uh, too
bad about Kenny,

uh, at a time like this.

Well, to tell you the truth,

I'm not really surprised.

He's been so shook up,

he was almost bound
to have an accident.

And that's just what
it was... an accident.

But he'll have one of
those walking casts,

so he should be back
home by tomorrow.

Oh, you better get going,
hadn't you, Sergeant?

The sergeant's got
an installation to go to.

Oh, yes, well, go
ahead, Sergeant.

We'll be just fine.

You know, in a
way, I feel safer now.

I just couldn't depend on Ken.

But with Gomer, I am
in really steady hands.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, poor Ken.

He was gonna check the
road to the hospital tonight.

Check the road?

Recommended in maternity cases,

so you know the best
route to the hospital.

Sort of a rehearsal.

I can do that.

Wait a minute, Pyle.

How are you gonna get there?

I don't know, get
a taxi, I guess.

It would be better, though,

if we had a car,
wouldn't it, Rosemary?

Well, it would be better, but...

we'll call a cab.

A cab, huh?

Uh, tell you what,
I-I still got time.

I'll run you over.

Then you'll be able
to tell the cab the way.

May I use your
phone? Well, of course.

I just want to check with Bunny.

Well, there's no need
to bother, Sergeant.

We'll be glad to get a cab.

What are you, a
millionaire or something?

I said I'd run you over.

We'll go through
the whole thing,

and that way you'll
know exactly what to do.

Uh, hello, Bunny? Vince.

No, no problem.

I'm just gonna be a
little late picking you up.

Uh... I got to
straighten Pyle out

on this whole thing
with Mrs. Johnson.

You know how he's always
getting into things over his head.


It's 16 minutes door-to-door.

Not bad, huh?

Well, you sure this is the
way we should come in?

What are you talking about?

That's the door.

This is the hospital.

What do you want to
do, climb in a window?

Look, I gotta be
getting over to Bunny's.

Well, Sergeant,
maybe we should ask,

just to be sure.

Excuse me, Doc.

A woman's having a baby,

we bring her in
that door, right?

Uh, where is she?

Oh, we left her at home.

You left her at home?

Well, it didn't
seem any point...

Uh, this is just a
practice run, see?

For later when the
real time comes.

Anyway, this is where
we bring her in, right?

No, not exactly.

You don't bring her in here?

Well, not in this entrance.

The maternity entrance is on
the other side of the building.

This is the emergency entrance.

You mean you don't think

having a baby is an emergency?

Not usually.

This is reserved for
accident victims and, uh,

things like that. Fine thing.

A guy slips on a banana peel,

he gets right in.

But a woman having a baby,
she's gotta go clear around

to the other side
of the hospital.

Maybe there's a good
reason for that, Sergeant.

Why don't you go
to the maternity office

and let them explain
the procedure to you.

Well, thank you,
sir, we'll do that.

A fine way to run a hospital.

Next thing you know,

you'll be have a different
door for every disease.



I just got back from a
trial run to the hospital.

I thought I'd give you
a call before I took off.

Oh, she's fine.

She's asleep.

I know, I know, I'm gonna
get you there in time.

Bunny, will you believe me?

You're gonna get
installed tonight!


Gloria's wearing a red dress?

So, all right,

you wear a green
dress, it's just as good.

Sergeant, can I use the phone?

Pyle, I'm talking!

Well, when you get
through, Sergeant,

would you call Dr. Leon?

His number's right
here in this book.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're going now.

Well go! We'll get
a cab downstairs.

Will you go!

Huh? Oh, nothing.

Just you-know-who.

Anyway, I'm on my way.

I got everything
under control here.

It's all gonna go off
as smooth as silk.



Call the doctor?!

Wait for me!

Doctor, doctor...
What's the doctor, uh...

Leon. Leon.



At the hospital.

I know it's late,

but the baby started coming and,

well, naturally I
had to handle things.

Hmm? Believe me...

You're with Mrs.
Johnson, aren't you?

Oh, yes, sir.

She just had a fine baby girl.

They're both doing beautifully.

No, no, really, I did.

Hey, Sergeant,
did you hear that?

It's a baby girl. What?

The doctor says the baby's here.

Wait till Ken hears this.

Did you hear that,
Bunny? The baby came!


I think he said it was a girl.

Yeah, now look, here's
what I think we should do.

Hey, Ken, it's a girl. You grab
a cab, and I'll meet you there.

How much does she weigh?

I'll go find out. Just a minute.

Sergeant, I'm gonna find
out how much she weighs.

Uh, huh?

Oh, he's gone to find out.

This is Sergeant Carter.

Take it easy, will ya?

No, not you.

I got Johnson on the other...

Look, Johnson,
relax, she's fine.

Look, you'll make it
if you'll stop talking

and call a cab. Sergeant,

tell Johnson it's seven
pounds, eight ounces.

Seven pounds, eight ounces.

Seven pounds, eight ounces.

What color eyes?

I'll go find out.

Look, I'm sorry, honey.

No, not you, Johnson!

This place is a madhouse.

Look, I'm leaving right away.

Oh, boy!

Huh? No, Johnson.

I didn't say boy. It's a girl.

Color eyes?

He's gone to find out.

Right, grab a cab
and I'll meet you there.

No, not you, Johnson, you
stay right where you are!


What kind of dress
do I really like?

Blue. Blue.

Uh, red!

Uh, no!

Rosemary's baby
don't have red eyes!

They're blue!

Look, Bunny, we're wasting time.

I'll see you there.

everything is all right.


No, I didn't see her.

Pyle will see the baby
and he'll give you a call.

Boy, you should
have heard that guy.

I never heard such carrying on.

Well, you know,
after all a baby.

So a baby?

We were all babies once.

There are a million
born every day.

That's no reason for a man

to go completely
out of his head.

Look, uh,

I gotta get out of
here. Hey, Sergeant?

Huh? They said we
could see the baby

in a few minutes. Go!

I got an installation to go to.

Have a good time, Sergeant.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, are you gonna look at
the baby after all, Sergeant?

Well, I figured

since I'm Johnson's senior
noncommissioned officer,

I should check it out.

Oh, here she comes now.

Yes, it is.


Ain't she the sweetest thing?

That Ken's gonna be the
happiest man in this world.

Look at them little fingers.

Ain't they something?

Even got little fingernails.

Hey, look, she smiled at me.

She really did, right at me.

She barely opened her
eyes, but she smiled at me.

Didn't you smile at
your Uncle Vince?

Sure you did.

Did you see that, Pyle?

Did you see how she smiled at me

as soon as she saw me?

Well, to be truthful
with you, Sergeant,

she can't see yet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how do you
explain the smile?

I don't know.

She probably just
had a little gas.

But I'm sure Miss Bunny
would understand, Sergeant.

I never showed up.

That's what she understands.

But you could
just explain to her

how time just slipped by,

what with looking at the baby.

It's no use, Pyle, I
ruined her big night.

Knowing her,

she wouldn't even
answer the phone.

Hello, Miss Bunny?

Well, this is Gomer.

Well, I'm calling
you up to explain

why the Sergeant
Carter didn't get there.

Pyle, what are you doing?

I thought I told you...

It's Miss Bunny, Sergeant. Huh?

I told her about everything

and she understands completely.

But I think she'd kind of like

to tell you personal
like herself.


Uh... Hello?

Oh, hi, hon.


I knew you would, pussycat.

Of course I do.

Look, it's still early.

20 minutes.

Lover boy is on his way.

Sergeant, I know
I told you to dress,

but this is ridiculous.