Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 5 - Show Me the Way to Go Home - full transcript

Gomer helps a drunkard home twice and is accused of getting him drunk.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

What time you got, Gomer?

11:25.

Boy, I hope that bus is on time.

I got to be back for
guard duty at midnight.

You know, Duke, we was in
that movie almost five hours.

I think them triple
features is just too much.

Yeah.

The stories get all mixed up.

Now, the first picture
I hardly remember.



That's because that
was a long time ago.

Oh, help me! Somebody
help me, please!

Anybody, help me!

Help! Help!

What's the matter, mister?

Oh. Oh, thank you very much.

You see, I'm, uh...

I'm a stranger in
this neighborhood,

and I seem to have gotten lost.

Holy cow! Is he smashed!

You see, my car is
parked across the street,

and if you could
take me to my car,

and open the door, and
start the engine for me,

I'll... I'll be able
to drive home.



You mean you're gonna drive?

Why, of course. I
have a driver's license.

I know that.

It's just that you don't
seem to be able to...

I've got an idea.

Why don't we drive you home?

Gomer, I got to get
back to the base.

I got guard duty.

Oh, that's right.

Well, I'll do it alone.

I'll drive you, mister.

Well, thank you, sir.

That's very kind. Most kind.

Gomer, come here a minute.

I want... I want to talk to you.

Look, there's no reason
for you do it either.

Don't get mixed
up with this guy.

But he can't get
home by hisself.

He's in no fit condition.

That's not your problem.

He got drunk on his own.

Let him get home on his own.

He's a stranger to you.

But he is a person,
and he needs help,

and I just can't ignore him.

Gomer, believe me. You
get involved with this guy,

you're going to have
nothing but trouble.

Here comes the bus.

Now, come on. Let's go.

He won't even know you're gone.
Come on. No. I'm staying here.

I'm going to try and
help that poor fella.

You go ahead. I just can't
leave him here like that.

Besides, I already offered.

Okay, Gomer, but I
think you're crazy to do it.

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Oh, hi.

You know the rest of the words?

Words? To what?

That song.

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

It's a beautiful song,

but I don't know
the rest of the words.

Well, don't you think
we'd better get started?

You want to take my hand?

Oh. Well, that's very nice.

Hey, what's your name?

My name is Harry
Purcell. What's yours?

Gomer Pyle. Gomer Pyle.

What's your first name?

Gomer.

Oh, Gomer! Gomer. Go...

♪ Gomer, Gomer, Gomer... ♪

♪ Sweetheart... ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Are we home, Gomer?

This is the address you said.

Is that your house?

Yeah! That's it.

That's my little castle.

Well, I've got to be getting
back to the base, Mr. Purcell.

Do you think you can
make it in all right?

Oh, now, listen.

You got to come in
and meet my wife.

Gomer, you're just
going to love my wife.

She's the sweetest little
woman you ever met in your life.

Her name is Iona.

It's an Indian name.
Means "little bird."

She's so sweet, and
I treat her like a dog.

Why do I do it?

Sweetest little
woman in the world,

and I treat her like a dog.

Harry Purcell treats
his wife like a dog!

I want the whole world to know!

Please, Mr. Purcell.

Come on. I'll walk
you to the house.

Mr. Purcell!

I don't know why they take
those running board off the cars!

That's the reason you fall down!

Come on, Mr. Purcell.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let's sing a song.

Mr. Purcell, it's
after midnight.

I ain't gonna go
unless we sing a song.

All right, but we can sing
while we're walking, okay?

That's a deal.

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ May you love me
forever and ever ♪

♪ Sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart... ♪

Hey, where you going?

I... There's where I live.

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Shh! Mr. Purcell...

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sw... art ♪

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Mr. Purcell? Huh?

You'd better be quiet.

You're going to wake your wife.

Well, I want to wake her!

I want you to meet Iona.

You're going to love
her, Gomer, certainly.

♪ Sweet... sweetheart,
sweetheart... ♪

Maybe I'd better
do that, Mr. Purcell.

All right. Fine.
There you go, Gom...

Shh! Good old Gom.

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

I think we ought to...

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Harry!

Oh, it's my baby!

Well, see, Gomer, this is Iona.

Harry, what happened?

Where have you been so long?

Well, I'll tell you, sweetheart.

You see, I was coming
back from the office,

I stopped off... Oh, wait!

First, I want you
to meet my friend.

Iona, this is Gomer
Pyle... A real gentleman.

How you do, ma'am?

What did you do to him?

Get him drunk? No, ma'am.

What do you mean, "No, ma'am"?

Look at you, both of you.

Clothes all messed up,
can't stand up straight.

Hey, he's got a beautiful voice.

Oh, yes. I heard his voice.

All the way out in
the street, I heard it.

And I'll bet the
neighbors heard it, too.

I don't know how I'm going to
look them in the face tomorrow.

Ma'am, I don't think
you understand.

Oh, I understand all right!

I know your type.

Spend all night in the bars,

just waiting for some poor soul

like Harry to come along
so you can sponge on him!

Yeah!

Mrs. Purcell,
that's just not true.

Oh, Harry!

I'll get you right to bed.

And you get out of
here or I'll call the MPs!

Yeah! The MPs!

Go on! Out! Out!

And you'd better
stop bothering Harry

or I'll take care of you!

I don't understand you, Harry.

Don't you know better
than to get mixed up

with these kind of people? Bums!

They'll take advantage
of you every time.

Come on, sweetie.

I'm too softhearted, I guess.

Oh, you sure are.

So she blamed you for
the whole thing, huh, Gom?

Well, didn't I tell you?

Didn't I tell you not to get
mixed up with that guy?

Trouble was, she just
wouldn't let me explain.

Gomer, the trouble
was, you shouldn't have

gotten mixed up with
that guy in the first place.

You should have just walked away

and left him where he was.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Duke.

Gomer, you'll
never learn, will you?

There's no such
thing as gratitude.

Pyle!

Pyle, come here
a minute, will you?

Hey, Duke, that
looks like Mr. Purcell.

Who?

The feller that I
took home last night.

Oh. What does he want?

This fella would like
to talk to you, Pyle.

Hurry it up, will you?

He's got to get back to work.

Right, Sergeant.

Hello, Gomer.

Hi, Mr. Purcell.

Golly! You look a lot
better this morning.

I'm sure I do.

I... I don't remember
too much about last night,

except your name and how
very kind you were to me,

so I wanted to come here
and thank you personally.

Oh, shoot. That was nothing.

I'm very embarrassed
about it, Gomer.

That sort of thing never
happened to me before.

But that's not what
I'm here to talk about.

Gomer, how about letting me
buy you a steak dinner tonight?

Oh, Mr. Purcell, you
don't have to do that.

Gomer, you did me a great favor.

I want to show my gratitude.

I was glad to help you
out, and you don't have to...

I won't take no for an
answer, Gomer. I insist.

I know a great
steak place in town.

They serve sirloins that thick.

What do you say, Gomer?

What time do you get through?
- 00 okay?

7:00 would be fine, I guess,
but you don't have to...

Fine. I'll pick you up right
here at the gate at 7:00.

See you, Gomer.

Bye, Mr. Purcell.

What did he want?

He wanted to thank me

for helping him out last night.

No kidding.

Yeah. And he wants
to take me out tonight

to a fancy restaurant and
buy me a big steak dinner.

I don't believe
it. It's the truth.

So you see, Duke, there
is gratitude in the world.

Well, maybe once
in a million years.

And it takes your
dumb luck to find it.

Yes, Gomer, Iona and I had
quite a laugh about it this morning.

So tell me, Gomer, I must
have been pretty funny, huh?

Well, you might call it funny.

Waiter, can I have another
one of these, please?

Mr. Purcell, you really
think you ought to?

Oh, now, don't you worry, Gomer.

You see, when I'm
eating, it doesn't affect me.

Last night, I drank
on an empty stomach.

Never drink on an
empty stomach, Gomer.

Waiter, make it a
double, will you?

Say, uh, Gomer, tell me.

Was I really singing in
front of my house last night?

Yes, you were.

Now, that's fantastic!

It's absolutely fantastic!

I don't think I ever did a
thing like that before in my life.

You see, it was just an
accident that I got drunk.

I don't think a thing like that

could happen again
in a million years.

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Aw, Gomer, you're an
old buddy, you know that?

You're a real buddy.

Here you go and
take me home again.

Mr. Purcell, do you
think that you could get in

all right by yourself tonight?

Frankly, I'm not anxious
to meet your wife again.

She's going to be awfully mad.

Oh, no, no. Not Iona.
You got her all wrong.

Why, she's the most sweet and
understanding woman in the world.

I tell you, this morning,
we laughed about it.

Laughed!

Besides, I can't
make it. I'm paralyzed.

Well, I'm not going in with you,

but I will walk you to
the door, and that's all.

If you don't come in,
Iona will be insulted.

She's the sweetest
little woman in the world.

Now, be careful not to
fall this time, Mr. Purcell.

Mr. Purcell...

I don't know why... why...

why they don't put running
boards back on cars.

It's silly.

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

Shh! Mr. Purcell, shh! ♪
Sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

What are you shushing about?

The neighbors.

Oh, I ain't going in.

Why not?

'Cause you don't like me.

That's not true.

Oh, yes, it is. You hate me.

You look down on me
just 'cause I'm a little...

No, Mr. Purcell.

Well, you sang
with me yesterday.

Why don't you
sing with me today?

Because you don't like me today.

That's not so.

Well, you'd better sing with me.

Otherwise, I'll know
you don't like me.

It's almost midnight.

If you don't sing with me,

I'm going to hold
my breath until I die.

Mr. Purcell... Mr. Purcell...

All right.

I'll sing with you.

Good.

But quietly.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Shh!

Real quiet. Yeah.

♪ Sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart ♪
Shh!

♪ Sweetheart... ♪

Mr. Purcell, you're going
to wake up the whole...

So, it's you again, huh?

You got your hooks
in him again, huh?

Iona, my little bird,
did you wait up for me?

That was very thoughtful.

I warned you to stay away
from Harry, and I meant it.

If you think I was talking just to
hear myself talk, you're mistaken.

But, Mrs. Purcell, it's not
like you think. You see...

Well, I'm not going to sit back

and let you get Harry
drunk night after night.

I know how to fix you.

I'm going to get
you off his back

if I have to go all the
way to Washington to do it.

You picked on the wrong
party, mister... the wrong party...

And you're going to find yourself in
plenty of trouble tomorrow. Plenty.

Come on, Harry. Harry?

Mrs. Purcell...
Harry? Mrs. Purcell?

Where did he go? Harry?

Harry! Mr. Purcell?

He disappeared
again, and it's your fault!

But, Mrs. Purcell, I didn't...

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sweetheart, sweetheart... ♪

Harry, where did you go?

What did you do to him?

You can't none of you keep
your hands off him, can you?

Come on, Harry. I'll get
you away from these bums.

And you get out of here!

You're in plenty of
trouble, mister. Plenty.

Come on, Harry.

Aw, go to sleep.

There's a dame in the duty
hut and she wants to see me?

Yeah, that's right, Sarge.
What does she look like?

Aw, forget it, it's not
that kind of a dame.

Oh, no? She's like
somebody's wife

and you feel sorry
for the husband.

Oh.

Yes, ma'am, what
can I do for you?

Are you Sergeant Carter?

That's right.

Well, I'm Mrs. Purcell.

Mrs. Harry Purcell.

Yes, ma'am.

Sergeant, you're going
to have to do something

about one of the
men in your outfit.

One of my men? Which one?

Well, his name is Gomer Pyle.

And if you don't do something,

I will. Pyle? What'd he do?

He's been getting my
husband drunk every night,

that's what he's been doing.

And Harry doesn't drink.

Pyle? I don't know where he met

my husband or how, but he's
attached himself like a leech.

And he's been using poor
Harry for a drinking buddy,

and Harry doesn't drink.

Gomer Pyle?

Are you sure you
have the right fellow?

I got the right
fellow all right.

Tall and skinny with a
stupid look on his face.

That's Pyle all right.

But his... Two nights

in a row he brought
poor Harry home drunk.

And Harry doesn't drink.

But Pyle...?

I can't believe it.

Are you calling me a liar?

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, uh, just
as far as I know,

Pyle doesn't even drink.

Doesn't drink?

That's a laugh.

I wish you could've seen
him in my living room...

Clothes all wrinkled, couldn't
even stand up straight.

Really? And the two of them

out on the street at midnight

singing at the
top of their lungs.

Pyle doesn't drink.

Harry doesn't drink!

Well, I don't know what to say.

I mean, I'll look into it.

You keep him away
from my husband.

Because if you don't,

I'm going to go to your colonel.

Oh... oh, well, don't do that.

I'm not a troublemaker.

But when I get mad,
Sergeant Carter,

you'd better watch out.

Maybe you don't care
about this Gomer Pyle,

but I care about Harry.

And Harry doesn't drink.

What do you make of that?

Gee, Sarge, I don't know.

Pyle?

She's got the
right guy all right.

I met this Harry Purcell.

He was down at the
fence asking for Pyle.

Well, maybe Pyle got
himself a drinking pal, that's all.

But he doesn't drink,
Boyle, you know that.

I never saw him drink anything
stronger than a vanilla malt.

Yeah.

Well, that's it.

Hmm, what's it?

Vince, you'd better
face something.

Pyle isn't a little boy anymore.

How long has he been in
the Marines, three years?

So?

Well, a guy can take
just so many vanilla malts

and then one day he's
got to decide to branch out.

Yeah, but Pyle?

Well, she saw him
with her own eyes

singing and staggering.

Looks to me like your
little boy has grown up.

But Pyle?

Sweet, innocent, homespun,
vanilla malt-drinking Pyle?

Pyle.

Oh, get out.

It's impossible.

Well, why is it impossible?

You heard that woman, she
saw him with her own eyes.

Ah... I don't know.

Maybe I ought to have
a talk with Pyle anyway.

I think you'd better.

That dame isn't kidding around.

He's grown up.

My boy has grown up.

What are you doing that for?

Why don't you use
a window cleaner?

Oh, I do, but for
the final polish,

nothing does it like
your own warm breath.

Only trouble is, after a
while, you get kind of dizzy.

Well, I'm all
finished with mine.

Hi, Sarge. Slater.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Stop that a minute, Pyle.

I want to talk to you
about something.

Yes, Sergeant?

Pyle, what did
you do last night?

Last night?

I went into town and
had dinner with a friend.

Uh-huh, and this friend's name

didn't happen to
be Harry Purcell?

How'd you know that?
I know. He was the guy

who came to the fence
asking for you, right, Pyle?

Oh, yes, Sarge, that's right.

Uh-huh, and when you guys
were having dinner last night

there was a little
drinking done, right?

And then when you took him home

there was a little singing
in the front of his house.

I'm afraid so, Sergeant.

And I feel real bad about that.

I mean, waking up
the neighbors and all.

Now you listen to me, Pyle.

You stay away from that guy, you
understand? Well, yes, Sergeant.

I don't care what
a great guy he is

or how much fun he is,
you stay away from him.

His wife is threatening
to go to the colonel

and I'm not getting into trouble

on account of you,
you understand?

Right, Sergeant.
That's an order.

You stay away
from Harry Purcell.

Two nights in a
row, his wife says,

he's come home in
the same condition.

And Harry doesn't drink.

Oh, hi, Gomer.

Gee, I haven't seen you
around for a couple nights.

Where you been?

Oh, well, I had some things
I had to take care of. Oh.

Hey, we got some
real good chili tonight.

Oh, fine.

Then I'll have some of that.

Oh, and would you fix me a
double rich butterscotch malted

with some extra whipped cream?

You know, Gomer, you ought
to leave your stomach to science.

I just can't sleep if
I go to bed hungry.

Gomer!

Mr. Purcell.

Hiya, buddy, buddy, buddy,
old buddy, how are you?

Hey, you know something?

I've been looking all over
for you, do you know that?

Mr. Purcell, you
been drinking again.

Gomer, you're right.

It relaxes me.

My, my, my... As
a matter of fact,

that's the reason I was
looking for you, Gomer.

I'm, uh, I'm too
relaxed to drive.

So I thought maybe
you could take me home.

No, Mr. Purcell. You
know, you're the best

little driver-homer
in the whole world.

Driver-homer Gomer.

Hey, that's funny.

Mr. Purcell... Well,
what was it, buddy?

I'm not gonna drive
you home again.

What?

Well, I can't.

I promised Sergeant
Carter that I wouldn't

and I'm just not
gonna do it again.

Why, Gomer, I'm shocked.

You mean you won't
help an old buddy?

But I did help you
twice, Mr. Purcell,

and it got all misunderstood.

I mean, your wife
got awful mad at me.

Iona?

Oh, you mean my lovely Iona?

Why, she never got mad
at anybody in her whole life.

In her whole life, she
never got mad at anybody!

She got mad at me.

And she said if she ever
saw me with you again,

she's gonna go see the colonel.

Aw... you know
your trouble, Gomer?

You're too serious.

Come on.

Come on, I'll show...

Mister... Play a little music.

That pretty?

Hey, come on, let's
you and me dance.

Oh, come on, don't be a
stick in the mud, Gomer.

You'll enjoy it.
You'll enjoy it.

I don't want to dance.
Just give it a try.

You sure you don't want a
sandwich or a cup of coffee?

I'm starved. No, Sarge,
I don't want anything.

But you go ahead in, I'll
see you back at the base.

Okay, Boyle, I'll see you.

Mr. Purcell, I don't
want to dance.

Just relax, Gomer,
relax. You're trying to lead.

Pyle!

Pyle, what do you
think you're doing?

I thought I told you to
stay away from this guy.

Hi, Sergeant. Well,
I tried to, Sergeant,

but I just couldn't help
it. Hi there, Sergeant.

Pyle, what are you trying to
do, get us both in hot water?

If his wife sees... What do
you say there, Sergeant?

It's like I tried to
tell you, Sergeant.

It's not my fault.

I told you I didn't want
you drinking with him.

But I hadn't been drinking
with him, Sergeant.

I just come in here and
ordered a butterscotch malted.

Yeah?

Yeah, he never drinks.

That's his trouble, Sergeant.

If he took a drink
once in a while,

maybe he'd be better off.

Huh?

Pyle, is that true, you
haven't been drinking?

Well, no, Sergeant.
You know I don't drink.

Goody-goody.

And you weren't drunk last
night and the night before?

Well, of course not.

Is that what you thought?

Well, shame, shame, shame.

Shame, shame, shame.

Then what's his wife
been beefin' about?

She just didn't know and I guess
she was jumping at conclusions.

Ah, yeah, that's my little girl.

She's always
jumping at conclusions.

She's a regular little
conclusion jumper.

You're a goody-goody.

Look, Pyle, you
get back to the base.

I'll take care of him.

But I just ordered a
butterscotch malted.

Oh, goody-goody.

Forget it, just beat it.

I don't want you
seen with this guy.

All right, Sergeant. Bye.

Bye, Mr. Purcell.

Good-bye, good-bye,
good-bye, good-bye.

See, I thought he'd never leave.

That goody-goody.

Now look, buddy, why
don't you just go home

and sleep it off, huh?

I can't drive.

Gomer was going to drive me home

and you sent him away, Sergeant.

Hey, how about you
driving me home, Sergeant?

In a pig's eye, I will.
I'll put you in a cab

and you can pick up your
car after you sober up.

Now come on. I ain't going!

Come on. I ain't going!

Now listen, I put a
quarter in this jukebox.

And I'm gonna stay here until
I get 25 cents worth of music.

So there.

Come on! You're a
goody-goody, too, you know that?!

There he is!

Here he is! Here's
that Gomer Pyle.

Oh, my goodness, Mrs.
Purcell... He's the one's been

getting my husband
drunk every night.

Where's Harry? What
have you done with him?

You mean
Mr. Purcell? Why, he's...

I know he's in town somewhere.

He didn't come home
for dinner tonight.

He's around here somewhere.

What'd you do,
leave him in an alley?

He probably rolled him
and left him in an alley.

Well, your husband
isn't actually with him.

There's nothing we can do.

We have no
control over civilians.

Oh, come on, Mr. Purcell,
come on. No, Sergeant.

'Fraid you're on your
own, Mrs. Purcell.

We can't go looking
for your husband

unless there's military
personnel involved.

But he is involved!

Well, he isn't now.

Now you tell me, where is he?

What have you done with him?

Good.

Driver-homer Gomer.

There he is!

Come on, come on.

You're too serious.

I knew it! It's you now, huh?!

You got him now, huh?!
Wait a minute, lady.

One bad influence
and then the other.

First the private and now
the sergeant. Hold it, lady.

You're jumping to conclusions.

Look what you did to him.

You got him so drunk,
he can hardly stand up.

I got him?! I was
just trying to help out.

Lady, there's something
you ought to know.

Your husband's a souse. A what?

Why you... first you get him
drunk and then you insult him.

Lady! Mrs. Purcell, he's right.

You're husband is a drinker.

And you, too!

I really have to laugh, Boyle.

You and your theory
about Pyle growing up.

I knew all the time
he couldn't be drinking.

Well, the way Purcell's
wife described it...

Yeah, yeah, I know.

"Harry doesn't drink."

Well, take it from
me, Harry drinks.

Oh, he drinks.

Pyle just gets into trouble.

Well, I was just going
along with what...

Speak of the devil.

Sergeant, boy, am
I glad I found you.

Could you give us a hand? Huh?

I was outside waiting on the
bus to take me back to camp

and along come
this car and it stalled

right there in the
middle of the street.

So I come looking
for some help...

Are you kidding me?

No, Sergeant, I...

So, a car stalled. What
do you want from me?

Let them call a garage
and get a tow truck.

But, Sergeant, this... Pyle, is
what is this stupid desire of yours

to get involved in other
people's problems?

One night it's a drunk, the
next night it's a stalled car.

But, Sergeant, I couldn't
refuse, you see, this is...

Oh, you couldn't refuse.

Come with me, Pyle. I'll
show you how to refuse.

He couldn't refuse,
Mr. Good Samaritan here.

Come on. But, Sergeant...

Right there, Sergeant.

Watch me, Pyle.

Just watch me and see
how easy it is to refuse

and not let everybody
take advantage of you.

Oh, hi.

Are you going to
help me, Sergeant?

That's awfully sweet of you.

Well, I... All it
needs is a little push,

and I'll be forever
grateful, Sergeant.

Well, don't just stand there.

Come on, push, push!