Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 6 - How to Succeed in Farming Without Really Trying - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Well, Mistress Mary, how
does your garden grow today?

Hi, Sergeant Carter,
Corporal Boyle.

Oh, the garden is
coming along just fine.

See those little leaves there?

Radishes.

And do you know what?

In about three weeks,

they'll be on our mess
hall table, ready to eat.

Think of that.

Little leaves, and
one day real soon,

there'll be a little
red crunchy feller.

Wonderful.

Pyle, you're a Marine
right now, not a farmer.

What should you be
doing right this minute

instead of standing
around here waiting

for a radish to be born?

Well, nothing, Sergeant.

I finished all my chores
back at the barracks.

Yeah? Absolutely.

You remember

that's the reason
I got permission

to have this here
garden in the first place:

as long as I wouldn't let it
interfere with my Marine work,

and I haven't let it interfere
with my Marine work.

You can be sure of that.

You better not, Pyle.

Let's go, Boyle.

Hey, Sergeant Carter?

Look here at my collards.

They're already up
out of the ground.

Did you ever taste collards?

Some people call
them tree cabbage.

They're the best
vegetable you ever tasted,

especially if you cook
them with a little ham hock.

How about that?

Come on.

Hey, Sergeant, look over here

at my watermelons.

Some of 'em are as big as
my fist in less than two weeks.

That's 'cause I raised
'em up on the mound

and treated them with
some special fertilizer.

MacEvoy's Super
Nitrate's the best.

Grandpa Pyle says it
gets to the roots faster

than anything else will.

Well, what do you know?

It gets right to 'em, huh?

That's right.

MacEvoy's Super Nitrate.

It's sold in all the
better feed stores.

Yeah?

And what do they
got to put over yourself

so I can get to you?

Huh? Pyle, permission
or no permission,

you get back to the
barracks like right now.

We got an inspection
in ten minutes.

Move it, move it!

Right, Sergeant.

Radishes, watermelons.

Brother.

Well, why does it bug you?

It just does.

A garden on a Marine base?

Did you ever hear of that?

What kind of job is
that for a Marine, huh?

Well, he says it's not
interfering with his duties.

You want to bet?

Besides, I've seen some
of Pyle's garden work,

and I don't like it.

Huh? What garden work?

That pumpkin he's got
for a head... I don't like it.

Not bad, Matthews, not bad.

Watch them corners.

Okay, Farmer Brown, let's
see how well prepared you are.

All right, Pyle, what is this?

Some kind of joke?

What's that stuff
you got in there?

Summer squash.

Summer squash and chard.

The chard is the one
with the little curly leaves...

Get it out, Pyle, get it out!

Well, I can't, Sergeant.

You can't?

Did I hear you right?

You can't?

On account of
they're heat-loving.

They're what?

That's right.

They need warmth and shelter

just like they was a
little baby, else they'll die.

Just one night
of frost will do it.

Honest, Sergeant, they'll die.

Really?

Well, we all have
to go sometime.

Please don't ask me to
take 'em out, Sergeant.

Pyle.

You wouldn't want
that on your conscience,

would you, if they died?

Don't worry about it, Pyle.

I'll see that your squash
gets a decent burial.

Summer squash!

There's a difference.

You see, you can tell the
difference by the leaves.

Knock it off! Just
get it out of here!

Yes, Sergeant.

And I'm sorry, I don't mean
for my garden to upset you

like it seems to.

I suppose you got a
horse and plow in here.

For the love of Pete...
Can you believe it?!

Can you believe it?!

All right, Pyle, that does it.

If you're going to act
like a knucklehead,

then I'm going to treat
you like a knucklehead.

No. Check that.

Like two knuckleheads.

But first, get that junk out
of your footlocker, but fast!

But Sergeant... Out!

Atten-hut!

As you were.

Afternoon, sir.

Afternoon, Sergeant.

Where are you taking those?

Well, out, sir.

Out? Where?

Just out, sir. Anywhere.

Don't do that.

Sir?

That's summer squash
and chard in there, isn't it?

That's what it
is, all right, sir.

Well, you set summer
squash out on the kind of nights

we've been having, and
they wouldn't stand a chance.

Sir?

Well, they'd die...
Every one of them.

That's what I told the sergeant.

Those were my exact
words, wasn't it, Sergeant?

How's your garden coming along?

Well, the watermelons

and the radishes
are doing real fine.

I think it's that
fertilizer I'm using...

MacEvoy's Super Nitrate.

Oh, it's a marvel.

Good.

By the way, Pyle, this
is Captain Shanley,

our Base Public
Information Officer.

Sir.

Pyle.

He heard about your garden
and wanted to take a look at it,

so he can send a photographer
down from the local paper...

You know, "Tough Marine
Cultivates Garden in Spare Time."

Captain Shanley thought it might

make a good
human interest story.

Well, yes, sir!

I'll be glad to.

It's right out here in
the back, right this way.

My, my, local newspaper!

I might even get you a natural
release on it; you never know.

Carry on.

Well, what do you say to that?

I say, "Don't put your
summer squash out

and always use
MacEvoy's Super Nitrate."

Where is Pyle? Gardening?

Right.

A farmer I got on my hands.

Can you believe it?

Not a Marine, a farmer.

Vince, its' with the
Colonel's blessings. Relax.

The colonel is a
gardener himself.

Yeah, but Pyle... Pyle,
of all people? Pyle?

What do you think? You
think he'll really grow anything?

Sure. Sure, he will.

I can just see what a
meathead like Pyle would grow.

Like a circular carrot,

or maybe a potato
with no eyes, just noses.

You can't tell... he sounds
like he knows what's he doing.

Sure! Sure! Just wait.

You mean you think
nothing will come up

the way he expects it to, huh?

I'll bet on it.

You give Pyle a watermelon seed,

and I'll lay you ten to one...

Wait a minute.

Wait just a minute.

Huh?

What you just said
about nothing come up

the way Pyle expected it to...

just gave me a brainstorm.

What do you mean?

Sure, it's a natural.

Hey, how would you like
to play a trick on Pyle, huh?

Like what, for instance?

You'll see.

All you gotta do is
go down to the market

and get the biggest
watermelon you can find...

One with a stem. Stem?

Right. And last, but not least,

get a big bottle of
vodka and bring it back.

Vodka?

I think I can understand
the watermelon,

but what's the vodka for?

Here, get it,
get it. You'll see.

There we go.

Just like the good old days.

It's called plugging
a watermelon.

So that's how it's done.

The cheapest party
a guy can throw:

two bits for the melon, a
couple bucks for the booze.

Presto! Instant refreshments.

Tastes wild, just wild.

I've heard of a Bloody Mary;
I've heard of a screwdriver,

but vodka and watermelon?

What do they call that?

Huh? It's the
all-purpose drink. What?

You can eat it, drink
it, wash your face in it,

and get smashed...
All at the same time.

That's beautiful,
Vince. Beautiful.

Yeah.

Now, see how the plug
fits back nice and neat...

you can't even tell
where it's been cut out.

Hey, you're right, I can't.

Now, we just set this bomb

in Pyle's watermelon
patch and wait.

Listen, Vince, I think
it's a funny gag all right,

but I'm not sure
I get the point.

What are you going
to accomplish with it?

What am I going to accomplish?

I'm going to accomplish the end
of Pyle's gardening, that's what.

Yeah? Yeah.

He just gets the
taste of a watermelon

that he grew; he wakes up drunk.

Pyle has never
been drunk before.

He wonders what hit him.

And I tell him he's
been poisoned.

I point out that's
the risk you run

when you grow anything
in this here soil around here.

Presto. End of garden.

Well, aren't you going
to a lot of trouble?

Why don't you just make
him give up the garden?

Why? He's liable to
complain to the Colonel.

Believe me, I'm going
this for his own good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Come on.

It's time to take
baby home to roost.

Golly!

Golly! Golly!

Sergeant Carter!

Sergeant Carter!

Here he comes.
Right on schedule.

Come on, come on, look busy,
like you don't know from nothing.

Wait till you see,
Sergeant. Wait till you see.

Huh? What's up?
Wait till I see what?

Just look at that!
Just look at that!

Pyle, where did you get
that? From the mess hall?

No. I found it out in
my garden this morning.

It was growing.

You're kidding.

No. I found it in my
melon patch, just now!

That thing grew in your garden?

Boyle, look at that.

Oh, boy, Pyle.

You really must
have a green thumb.

A green thumb?

A green arm... all the
way up to the shoulder.

There's just one
thing I can't figure out,

is how it grew so fast?

All the other melons
out there on the vine

are just about that big.

And practically overnight, too.

It don't make no sense at all.

Wait a minute.

I know what it is.

You do?

Sure. That Maclntosh stuff.

Huh?

Yeah, you know, that super-duper
fertilizer you've been using.

MacEvoy's Super Nitrate?

That's it.

I'll bet you instead
of spreading out,

it concentrated
all in one place,

so that only one melon
got all the vitamins.

Gosh, Sergeant, I don't know.

Sounds logical to me.

Of course, it's logical!

Let's face it, Pyle,
nobody is perfect

when it comes to
spreading fertilizer.

Not even a natural
born farmer like yourself

is perfect every
time out, right?

Well, no, sir, I guess not.

And this melon here proves it.

So there you are.

The only thing
that really matters

is that you've grown yourself
a prize-winning watermelon.

How about that?

Thank you, Sergeant.

And that's just the
way I want it to be.

I want you to be the first to
know anything I do, good or bad.

Good.

Yes, sir, Pyle...

It looks like you're
going to have yourself

some mighty fine
watermelon eating there,

so take it and enjoy yourself.

Sergeant, I want you
to have the watermelon.

Hmm?

On account of it's the only
way I can show my appreciation

for you being so
cooperative and letting me

have the garden
in the first place.

Oh, no, Pyle, I
couldn't do that.

This is your melon. You grew it.

It wouldn't' be right for me
to even take one bite of it.

And that goes for Boyle, too,
and the entire platoon, in fact.

So, you take it.

But, Sergeant...

The satisfaction is all
yours, Pyle, every bit of it.

Or should I say,
every "bite" of it?

But I'd feel a whole
lot better if you had it.

No, Pyle, I
wouldn't think of it.

Please, take it. No!

Please.

Pyle, I want you to
take this watermelon

and eat every bite of it
yourself, and that's an order!

I mean, well, it's
nice of you to offer,

but well, right is right.

Here, take it and eat
it in good health, Pyle.

Cheers.

I mean, enjoy it.

All right, Sergeant,
and thank you.

I only hope that
someday I can be just half

as thoughtful towards
you as you are towards me.

Yeah, well, uh...
the next melon, Pyle,

maybe the next one, okay?

I consider that a
promise, Sergeant, bye.

Bye. Bye.

Boy, he almost took
you with your own gag.

Yeah. You know, I
kind of hate to do it.

But like I said, it's
for his own good.

He not that hot a Marine

that he can afford to
start taking up hobbies.

Say, how much
time do you give it?

Hmm?

Well, he's curious.

I'd say it's a matter of minutes

before he starts eating
himself into a hangover.

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

I've been looking
all over for you.

Pyle!

Are you all right, Pyle?

I'm fine, just fine.

Are you sure?

Yes, sir, I never felt better.

Why? Do I look bad?

Huh? Oh, oh, well, no.

It's just, I thought,

after eating all that
prize watermelon...

Well, you know what they say.

The eyes are bigger
than the stomach.

Well, that's what I wanted
to tell you, Sergeant.

I didn't eat it.

You didn't? No, sir.

After I left you,

I got to thinking about
what you said, remember?

You said, "Right is right."

Yeah, yeah. So?

So, I got to thinking

about who above all else
deserved that watermelon

more than anybody, even me.

Who, Pyle, who?

The one man without who

I wouldn't even
have a garden at all.

You didn't?

Yes, I did.

I gave it to the colonel.

I couldn't think
of any better way

to show my appreciation.

What do you think, Sergeant?

Talk about a joke backfiring!

What are you going to do?

All I know is I got to
get that watermelon back

from the colonel, and fast.

What do you think will happen

when he gets a taste out of it?

I don't even want
to think about it!

Can't you guess?
You know the colonel.

He's death on any
kind of drinking. Yeah.

And a watermelon pumped
full of vodka is a lot of drinking.

Oh.

You wanted to see me, Sergeant?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Come on in, Pyle.

Hey, Corporal Boyle.

You know, Pyle, Corporal
Boyle and I were just thinking.

About what?

The mistake you made

giving that watermelon
to the colonel.

Mistake? But that
wasn't a mistake.

I wanted him to have it.

I know, I know.

Nobody's knocking your
motives, just your brains.

Huh?

Pyle, how could
you give it to him

without tasting it first?

You don't even
know what's inside.

Suppose it's rotten, or
yellow and black inside

and tastes like shoe
polish? What then?

Well, it looked like

a perfectly good
melon from the outside.

Pyle, you don't judge
a book by its cover.

You don't judge a
watermelon by its rind.

Remember, it was awful
big, and it grew awful fast.

I'd worry about that.

You would?

Sure would.

Might even be poisonous.

Poisonous?! Yeah, poisonous.

I just hope it ain't
too late to get it back.

Back?

Well, naturally.

Unless of course,
you want to run the risk

of having the colonel close
down your garden for keeps,

right after he's had
his stomach pumped.

Golly. I'd better get that
watermelon back right away.

Yeah. And the first place

we'd better look is
the Officers' Mess.

It's probably sitting in
the ice box there right now.

But, Sergeant, are
you going with me?

Well, sure, Pyle.

I don't want you to get
in a jam with the colonel.

Well, that sure is
thoughtful of you, Sergeant.

Yeah.

All I got to do is find a
melon with a plug in it.

It'll be a cinch.

Yeah. Well, you better
get it out of here. Huh?

I mean, I don't want to
serve the brass around here

any spiked watermelons,

or it will be my
head in the sling.

Okay, come on over here!

Okay, help yourself.

Just stay out of sight, huh?

I got an inspection due today.

Golly!

Ain't that a coincidence?

They must be planning
on serving watermelon

for dessert for the
men as well tonight.

What are you doing, Sergeant?

Huh?

Oh, I'm, uh, looking
for your watermelon.

What do you think I'm doing?

Well, they all look alike.

Yeah, well... Yeah.

I guess you're right.

I can't tell anything
by feeling them.

Oh, I know what!

I'll taste 'em.

And that way, if
they all taste all right,

then there's no problem.

Oh, good. I'll be glad to help.

I just love... No, Pyle.

Remember what I said
about it being poison?

Well, I can spot poison
faster than you can,

so if you'll just wait outside

and see that
nobody interrupts me,

everything will be okay, okay?

But, Sergeant...

Pyle, there are taste buds,
and there are taste buds.

Now, mine happen
to be razor shop.

That's why I can't stand
C rations, and you can.

Now, if you'll just do as I say,

we'll be in great shape, okay?

Well, yes, sir. I'll be
outside if you want me.

Huh.

How are you doing, Sergeant?

Did you find my watermelon yet?

No, I didn't.

And I'm not going to, either.

Because it's not in there.

Well, how do you know?

Huh? I just know.

Well, did you find a
particular one that tasted bad?

Huh? No, no, they're all fine.

Well, then, everything's
all right. Well...

Why, you miserable creep! Huh?

You cut open every one of
those melons, didn't you?!

If I get my hands
on you... You...

Where do you suppose that
melon could be, Sergeant?

I don't know.

I'm sure it's not in
the Officers' Mess.

Are you sure he
just didn't leave it

sitting there in his
office? Now, think!

Well, I don't know, Sergeant.

I left right after
I gave it to him,

and all he said was thanks

and how he'd better
get it on ice right away.

Well, he didn't
get it on ice... No!

What, Sergeant?

Someplace else he
could put it on ice.

Huh? His home.

His own home!

You're really sure my melon's

going to turn out
to be bad, huh?

No, no. This is just insurance.

In case yours turns
out to be rotten,

we'll put this one in its place.

Smart? Really is.

But now the whole trick
is switching the melons.

You better wait out here.

Oh, yes, Sergeant? What is it?

Watermelon for Colonel Gray.

Watermelon? Another one?

One's already been delivered.

Yeah?

The colonel sent
this over himself?

That's right.

Were you, uh, going to serve it?

That's right. Mrs. Gray's
having a luncheon.

I was about to
serve it for dessert.

Oh! Well, then,
I'm just in time.

You see, there's been a mix-up.

Mix-up?

Yes, ma'am, that's right.

That one's store-bought.

This is the one that
was grown right here

on the base by one of
the colonel's own men.

You see, it seems
there was a mix-up

right after it was picked.

Well, all right.

Yes, ma'am.

You should've seen how proud
the colonel was when he saw.

Sergeant.

Aren't you leaving one of those?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just wasn't thinking.

You did it, Sergeant.

You got my watermelon back.

I think so, Pyle, I think so.

With a little luck.

Looks perfectly all right to me.

Wouldn't it be funny
if it turned out to be

sweet and red and
juicy as any other?

What's wrong, Sergeant?

No. I picked the wrong one.

The wrong one!

Well, I don't
understand, Sergeant.

Didn't you go in there and...

You would, Pyle. You would.

You would have to stick your
big fat head in the window.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I really... Shh!

You.

Company B, Corporal
Boyle speaking.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

It's the colonel.

He wants to see Pyle
in his office right away.

He does, huh?

Yeah, he does.

Yeah, well, go tell Pyle

the Colonel wants to see
him in his office right away.

Just like that?

You've got
nothing to do with it.

Just throw Pyle
to the wolves, huh?

Look, Boyle, don't
give me that stuff.

You went on the gag, too.

Thought it was
pretty good, as I recall.

All right, but the gag didn't
work out the way you wanted.

So? So, you're going to let
him face the colonel alone?

What is he going to say?

I'll say it again.

I was doing it for his own good.

It was just a way of
getting him out of gardening

and back to being a Marine.

Look, if it had worked
out the way I wanted it to...

All right, all right.

I'll go see the colonel, too.

Maybe I can weasel-word
my way out of it.

My combat record and all.

Gunnery Sergeant Carter and Private
First Class Pyle reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, men.

I don't recall asking
you to come in, Sergeant.

Oh, I know, sir.

But I can explain everything.

Don't listen to him, sir.

It's all on me. I'm
the one to blame.

Sergeant Carter didn't
have nothing to do with it.

Blame? For what?

What are you talking about?

For the way that
melon tasted. Sir...

But the watermelon tasted fine.

In fact, according to
my wife, sensational.

Sir?

That's what I called
Pyle in to tell him.

Did you hear that, Sergeant?

They liked my
watermelon after all.

Liked it? They loved it.

Mrs. Gray said it was the
hit of the bridge luncheon.

It wasn't.

Do tell.

It was the first
time in seven years

that a bridge luncheon
ended with the girls singing.

Is that a fact? Yes.

I heard that when Major
Brady came to pick up his wife,

she actually danced
out to the car.

Do you hear that, Sergeant?

Do you hear that?

I grew as good a
watermelon as anybody.

Even better... how about that?

How about that?

Pyle? Yes, Sergeant?

I know, inspection
in 15 minutes.

I'm all prepared.

Okay, just as long
as you know, Pyle.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

How's our prize garden doing?

Oh, fine, sir, just fine.

Any more watermelons?

No, sir, but my cucumbers
is doing real good.

See? Oh, yes.

Notice, sir, the
way Private Pyle

has laid a mulch blanket
around the main stems.

Cuts down on his weeding time.

Really? Peat moss?

No, sir, it's... Leaf mold.

Plain, ordinarily leaf mold.

Right, Pyle?

Best thing in the
world for nutrients.

And this here sandy
soil, it's the only way to fly.

You mean it doesn't
choke off the feeder roots?

No, sir... Long as you
have enough irrigation.

The sergeant's right.
Absolutely right, sir.

Really, Sergeant, I
didn't peg you for the type

to take an interest
in this sort of thing.

Oh, yes, sir.

Like the colonel once
said to Private Pyle here,

"Every man should have a hobby."

And well, with
a garden like this

right in front of my nose, I
figured, "What the devil?"

I mean, what could be
more exciting than bringing

something like an
artichoke into the world?

Now, you take these
here perennial greens...

Excuse me, Pyle.

I grew these myself...